Meanwhile, John Boehner Is Crying About Stupid Things

by Jack Stuef

Keith Ellison captured everyone’s attention today by shedding tears when he told the story of a Muslim first-responder who died on 9/11. But don’t forget about John Boehner! He’s crying too! About, uh, Australia.

Just scroll down this BBC article featuring happy photos of Barry Obama playing catch with the prime minister of Australia, then:

I JUST LOVE AUSTRALIA SO MUCH YOU GUYS

This is how you do it, Keith Ellison. Amateur. [BBC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 74 comments }

MittsHairHelmet March 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I like to imagine Boehner with sad clown makeup.

chicken[redack] March 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I think of Boehner in Gene Simmons makeup.

[redacted]drinker March 10, 2011 at 2:11 pm

How does he not have bronzer all over his shirt collar?

elviouslyqueer March 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I like to imagine Boehner with sad assclown makeup.

/fixed.

Barbara_i March 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

This guy is a walking ad for Paxil. Makes you wonder if he goes home, puts on a Bjork record and cuts himself.

Sophist [teadacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Bjork? That's way too good for him to like. Probably My Chemical Romance or Linkin Park. And he's a republican, so he probably has someone he pays to do his cutting for him, like how they used to have whipping boys for royalty.

OC_Surf_[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Swandress and the Sugarcubes are way too hipster…maybe the audio book of Infinite Jest?

Sophist [teadacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm

What's the audio equivalent of a velvet Elvis with sad-clown makeup? Because I pick that.

OC_Surf_[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Celine Dion singing Tom Waits?

Jerri March 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I believe that would be Lightning & Thunder, the husband and wife Neil Diamond/Abba tribute band.
http://www.songsungblue.com/index.php

(By the way that site apparently plays music at you. Sorry.)

Native_of_SL_UT March 10, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Suddenly Blue October's Hate Me started playing in my head.

Sparky_McGruff March 10, 2011 at 9:01 pm

He's a walking ad for rehab. I'm pretty sure he's crying because he's a teary drunk. He has four or five "cocktails" (Old Grandad, hold the ice) with lunch (a handful of corn-nuts), chain-smokes half a dozen cigs, and then he gets all moody on the house floor. As a bonus, it helps give him his nicotine-stained/liver-damaged color!

Come here a minute March 10, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Hey, it's just because he's so patriotic! (This excuse works for Republican crying or infidelity.)

hagajim March 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I guess crying because you're so passionate is better than screwing over your wife….maybe.

freakishlywrong March 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Oy. What an embarrassing tool. PMS. Every day with this evil clown.

nounverb911 March 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Boner wishes his tan was as red as Julia Gillard's blazing red hair.

SmutBoffin March 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

That's a rage-cry. Did some lobbyist not give him a cookie stuffed with $1000 bills at lunch?

freakishlywrong March 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

A temper tantrum.

CliveWarren March 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Oh, come on. This is a low blow. Everyone knows his tan is actually Australian.

Sophist [teadacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Is he fighting back tears, or does he just have gas?

Billmatic March 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Ah seems everyone beat me to the fart jokes.

OC_Surf_[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

He's just farted

harry_palmer March 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Somewhere, a poor person must have gotten a warm meal. It tears him up to think it.

Fare la [redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

"[sniff] That could have been mine."

freakishlywrong March 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

A child got a free lunch at school..

MinAgain March 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Boehner's slowly changing color from Oompa-loompa orange to burnt sienna. That can't be healthy.

nedbeaumontjr March 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I believe slate blue comes next in the progression, but since he's an R, he'll have to stop here.

CliveWarren March 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

He uses too much turpentine… Linseed oil tastes like crap.

wee[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

An orange crocodile complete with crocodile tears? There's something about that flitting in my olde mental file cabinet hard drive. Didn't NOVA or mehbe Marlin Perkin's Wild Kingdom do a special on the orange crocs crocks of the Ohio River? Help me out here fellow oldes.

nounverb911 March 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Boner is turning into a walking billboard for side effects of Restasis.

"The most common side effect is a temporary burning sensation. Other side effects include eye redness, discharge, watery eyes, eye pain, foreign body sensation, itching, stinging, and blurred vision."

freakishlywrong March 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm

foreign body sensation? Yep.

chicken_thief March 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm

WTF is Restasis made from – Jack Daniels?! Pretty much the same side effects…

BaldarTFlagass March 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Burning Sensations? "Pablo Picasso" was one of my favorite tunes on the Repo Man soundtrack.

EatsBabyDingos March 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm

He was only five foot three
girls could not resist his stare

Nobody called Pablo Picasso an asshole

And the classic "Let's start a war. It can start in Camboooodieeaaaa"

BaldarTFlagass March 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

But it seems everyone is calling John Boehner an asshole.

not that Dewey March 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Well his skin would turn the color of a… uh… tangelo?

el_donaldo March 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I don't think he's crying. PM Gillard's speech was apparently about the U.S. having "a friend down under." Looks to me like Boehner's taking that moment to get reacquainted with one. Wink wink.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I didn't know that Boehner was a Muslim.

Extempor[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Well, John Boehner is a tear-ist, so…

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

The scary thing is, Boehner only cries when he has an orgasm.

ManchuCandidate March 10, 2011 at 1:20 pm

How can u just see me crying?
Alone in an orange world ? (Orange world)
Maybe I'm just 2 big of a douche
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 true
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)
Why don't you guys just realize that
This is what it looks like
When Dicks cry

widestanceroman March 10, 2011 at 1:21 pm

You have to respect and admire whoever is randomly watering down his breakfast Gin Smoothie, cuz it really fux with this head–every time!

XOhioan March 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Australians like to drink. People drink at bars. John Boehner's parents owned a bar. The young Cinderfella had to sweep the floor in the bar <sniff..> …<<SOB!>>>

You see how that happens.

Gopherit March 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Boehner, with all due respect, there's a readily defined line between being emotionally available and having an estrogen producing lung tumor. Go see your doctor, man.

hagajim March 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I think Boehner believes they made him "Weeper of the House"

karen March 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm

The only way that picture could be any better is if someone caught it on video and we could make the best blingee .gif EVER.

Mumbletypeg March 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I have been feeling rather blingee-deprived lately in my sojourns on teh wonkett. Sadly I am without the knowhow to render those sparkly-magic send-ups.

EatsBabyDingos March 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Let's send Boehner to Saudia Arabia to hold man hands (like W when he was down with King paulaAbdul), they can have a good cry, watch "Terms of Endarment" with a whole box of Kleenex in one hand and a box of Godiva in the other.

And then do something girly tomorrow.

Native_of_SL_UT March 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Thank God this isn't an international publication. We wouldn't want our embarrassments to be shared with the rest of the world.

imiss[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Jesus Christ, he's the same color as that suit she's wearing.

I want Boehner to give the Miami Heat a pep talk before their next game. The locker room will flood.

Extempor[redacted] March 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Bloomin' onions!

[redacted]drinker March 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Ham Biscuits!

GuyClinch March 10, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Wait a minute, I know that look on his face. That's the look of a man breaking in a new butt-plug.

Oblios_Cap March 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

There's no drunk like a melancholy drunk!

Serolf_Divad March 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Oh, God, I think we've all just been handed a picture of Boehner's "hate fuck" face. And me, at work, with no alcohol to numb the senses!

deanbooth March 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Lascauxcaveman March 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

But, he is human and he needs to be loved.

And nobody does, ergo tears of self pity.

Steverino247 March 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

The House will be in order while the lyrics to "Melancholy Baby" are read into the record.

proudgrampa March 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm

What's really scary is that this obviously depressed (and depressing) person is only a couple of heartbeats away from the presidency.

Texan_Bulldog March 10, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Someone better be taste testing Joe Biden's food!

Golfing_OJ March 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

[Terminator]
Good afternoon. Are you the legal guardian of John BONER?
[/Terminator]

horsedreamer_1 March 10, 2011 at 2:38 pm

This violates the Nelson Principle ("only doves cry"). Unless — is a chicken-hawk a kind of dove? Vaguely, maybe?

CrankyLttlCamperette March 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Dude just looks like the Grinch. A big orange Grinch. Only this Grinch steals everything and doesn't have any kind of heartwarming epiphany. Or any kind of heart.

bokonona666 March 10, 2011 at 3:20 pm

He wasn't actually crying. You see, he had hidden a peanut butter sandwich in his mouth before her speech and those things sure get sticky.

Callyson March 10, 2011 at 3:28 pm

"She (Gillard) delivered the same message in her speech to business leaders and to the US Congress: embrace the difficult financial and economic reforms that will make your nation more resilient."
Come on, Julia, you had to know Boneheader was going to sob over *that* message…

BlueStateLibel March 10, 2011 at 4:06 pm

To me, he looks exactly like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. And I think what actually happened was that he was told "only one cig break per hour."

ttommyunger March 10, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Hahaha! Silly Wonkette. What you can't see is Eric Cantor Cantor under the desk. Boehner is whispering, "No teeth, no teeth!".

MittsHairHelmet March 10, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Another win for the internet.

That picture is pretty close to what i was thinking.

ghblowhard March 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Will his passion for America lead to extra marital affairs too??

Limeylizzie March 10, 2011 at 8:39 pm

What a fucking cunt, pull yourself together .

Crank_Tango March 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

The Smiths or GTFO!!!

horsedreamer_1 March 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Can't be worse than ScarJo singing Waits.

Sophist [teadacted] March 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Oh sweet Dagon! You win (if that's the right word for it).

(p.s. Apology NOT accepted.)

Jerri March 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

They're pretty amazing, aren't they?

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