oh god the kangaroos and the koalas and the boomerangs just so beautiful

Meanwhile, John Boehner Is Crying About Stupid Things

Keith Ellison captured everyone’s attention today by shedding tears when he told the story of a Muslim first-responder who died on 9/11. But don’t forget about John Boehner! He’s crying too! About, uh, Australia.

Just scroll down this BBC article featuring happy photos of Barry Obama playing catch with the prime minister of Australia, then:


This is how you do it, Keith Ellison. Amateur. [BBC]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barbara_i

    This guy is a walking ad for Paxil. Makes you wonder if he goes home, puts on a Bjork record and cuts himself.

    1. Sophist [teadacted]

      Bjork? That's way too good for him to like. Probably My Chemical Romance or Linkin Park. And he's a republican, so he probably has someone he pays to do his cutting for him, like how they used to have whipping boys for royalty.

      1. OC_Surf_[redacted]

        Swandress and the Sugarcubes are way too hipster…maybe the audio book of Infinite Jest?

        1. Sophist [teadacted]

          What's the audio equivalent of a velvet Elvis with sad-clown makeup? Because I pick that.

          1. Sophist [teadacted]

            Oh sweet Dagon! You win (if that's the right word for it).

            (p.s. Apology NOT accepted.)

    2. Sparky_McGruff

      He's a walking ad for rehab. I'm pretty sure he's crying because he's a teary drunk. He has four or five "cocktails" (Old Grandad, hold the ice) with lunch (a handful of corn-nuts), chain-smokes half a dozen cigs, and then he gets all moody on the house floor. As a bonus, it helps give him his nicotine-stained/liver-damaged color!

  2. Come here a minute

    Hey, it's just because he's so patriotic! (This excuse works for Republican crying or infidelity.)

    1. hagajim

      I guess crying because you're so passionate is better than screwing over your wife….maybe.

  3. SmutBoffin

    That's a rage-cry. Did some lobbyist not give him a cookie stuffed with $1000 bills at lunch?

  4. MinAgain

    Boehner's slowly changing color from Oompa-loompa orange to burnt sienna. That can't be healthy.

    1. nedbeaumontjr

      I believe slate blue comes next in the progression, but since he's an R, he'll have to stop here.

  5. wee[redacted]

    An orange crocodile complete with crocodile tears? There's something about that flitting in my olde mental file cabinet hard drive. Didn't NOVA or mehbe Marlin Perkin's Wild Kingdom do a special on the orange crocs crocks of the Ohio River? Help me out here fellow oldes.

  6. nounverb911

    Boner is turning into a walking billboard for side effects of Restasis.

    "The most common side effect is a temporary burning sensation. Other side effects include eye redness, discharge, watery eyes, eye pain, foreign body sensation, itching, stinging, and blurred vision."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Burning Sensations? "Pablo Picasso" was one of my favorite tunes on the Repo Man soundtrack.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        He was only five foot three
        girls could not resist his stare

        Nobody called Pablo Picasso an asshole

        And the classic "Let's start a war. It can start in Camboooodieeaaaa"

  7. el_donaldo

    I don't think he's crying. PM Gillard's speech was apparently about the U.S. having "a friend down under." Looks to me like Boehner's taking that moment to get reacquainted with one. Wink wink.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    How can u just see me crying?
    Alone in an orange world ? (Orange world)
    Maybe I'm just 2 big of a douche
    Maybe I'm just like my father 2 true
    Maybe you're just like my mother
    She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)
    Why don't you guys just realize that
    This is what it looks like
    When Dicks cry

  9. widestanceroman

    You have to respect and admire whoever is randomly watering down his breakfast Gin Smoothie, cuz it really fux with this head–every time!

  10. XOhioan

    Australians like to drink. People drink at bars. John Boehner's parents owned a bar. The young Cinderfella had to sweep the floor in the bar <sniff..> …<<SOB!>>>

    You see how that happens.

  11. Gopherit

    Boehner, with all due respect, there's a readily defined line between being emotionally available and having an estrogen producing lung tumor. Go see your doctor, man.

  12. karen

    The only way that picture could be any better is if someone caught it on video and we could make the best blingee .gif EVER.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I have been feeling rather blingee-deprived lately in my sojourns on teh wonkett. Sadly I am without the knowhow to render those sparkly-magic send-ups.

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Let's send Boehner to Saudia Arabia to hold man hands (like W when he was down with King paulaAbdul), they can have a good cry, watch "Terms of Endarment" with a whole box of Kleenex in one hand and a box of Godiva in the other.

    And then do something girly tomorrow.

  14. Native_of_SL_UT

    Thank God this isn't an international publication. We wouldn't want our embarrassments to be shared with the rest of the world.

  15. imiss[redacted]

    Jesus Christ, he's the same color as that suit she's wearing.

    I want Boehner to give the Miami Heat a pep talk before their next game. The locker room will flood.

  16. GuyClinch

    Wait a minute, I know that look on his face. That's the look of a man breaking in a new butt-plug.

  17. Serolf_Divad

    Oh, God, I think we've all just been handed a picture of Boehner's "hate fuck" face. And me, at work, with no alcohol to numb the senses!

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    But, he is human and he needs to be loved.

    And nobody does, ergo tears of self pity.

  19. Steverino247

    The House will be in order while the lyrics to "Melancholy Baby" are read into the record.

  20. proudgrampa

    What's really scary is that this obviously depressed (and depressing) person is only a couple of heartbeats away from the presidency.

  21. horsedreamer_1

    This violates the Nelson Principle ("only doves cry"). Unless — is a chicken-hawk a kind of dove? Vaguely, maybe?

  22. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Dude just looks like the Grinch. A big orange Grinch. Only this Grinch steals everything and doesn't have any kind of heartwarming epiphany. Or any kind of heart.

  23. bokonona666

    He wasn't actually crying. You see, he had hidden a peanut butter sandwich in his mouth before her speech and those things sure get sticky.

  24. Callyson

    "She (Gillard) delivered the same message in her speech to business leaders and to the US Congress: embrace the difficult financial and economic reforms that will make your nation more resilient."
    Come on, Julia, you had to know Boneheader was going to sob over *that* message…

  25. BlueStateLibel

    To me, he looks exactly like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. And I think what actually happened was that he was told "only one cig break per hour."

  26. ttommyunger

    Hahaha! Silly Wonkette. What you can't see is Eric Cantor Cantor under the desk. Boehner is whispering, "No teeth, no teeth!".

  27. MittsHairHelmet

    Another win for the internet.

    That picture is pretty close to what i was thinking.

Comments are closed.