arizona is full of good memories

Palin Starting To Tease About What Her 2012 Trainwreck Would Look Like

Giving the tundra a vacation from her?The Republican presidential race has barely even begun to receive any news coverage, but even that level of attention is bothersome to Sarah Palin, who is used to 50% of all political news being about her unemployed life. But Palin has figured out a way to redirect some of this attention back to herself without actually stepping into the race: leaking details about how her campaign would be run, if she actually decided to do it. And so we’re going to get stuff like this: IF Sarah Palin ran for president, she would base her operation in Scottsdale, Arizona, near Bristol Palin’s recently purchased foreclosed meth palace.

It’s not clear whether or not this was a purposeful leak to Ben Smith, but this teasing is an idea she’ll probably take and run with anyway.

But back to this Arizona thing, here’s why it’s perfect:

Basing a campaign there would be a provocative rejection of any lingering political cost from those who connect her harsh rhetoric and Gabrielle Giffords’ shooting — a traditional refusal to retreat.

Yeah, wasn’t that great? That Gabrielle Giffords almost got all of the attention herself when she was shot, but, luckily, Sarah Palin quickly found herself inserted in the story. That was a close call!

Next week we will learn Trig would be the campaign manager if she ran. The week after that, we will learn the firm that would create her campaign website would be a team of actual female grizzly bears. And the week after that, we will learn voters would still have to buy tickets if they wanted to hear her speak on the campaign trail. [Ben Smith]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Maman

    OMG! She has quit Alaska too?! How will she live without that sweet, sweet Federal swag handed out to each and every Alaskan resident? Will she get a job?

    1. riverside68

      No way she's giving up that oil money. AZ will be the office, AK the home. You don't have to live in AK to collect the money, it just has to be your "residence." See Emmanual and Chicago, Bush and TX etc etc.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Naw, the oil residuals checks only come to $1 or $2k a year; that 's chicken feed to a nationally successful grifter.

        Shorter Sara "Fuck AK, at least it's warm in AZ."

    2. occams8ball

      I was thinking about that fatal question "What newspapers do you read?" today and I wonder if she heard 'the plural you' thinking that Couric was asking about all Alaskans? Her answer would make sense then as long as one assumes Sarah to be a complete idiot, I guess.

  2. Chillwaver

    Though the teasing game will continue, the Twatty Grifter™ will not run. Not now, not ever. The gravy train she's riding is just too good to pass on (and this is also, too, amen why the troll is downfisting everyone again).

    1. Lazy Media

      She might "run," by announcing, qualifying for the primaries, and setting up a campaign committee to take in donations, which will be quickly laundered through an array of Palin-owned "consulting" firms, like Bristol's PR agency. As far as doing anything to try to get elected, no, she won't run.

      1. BarryOPotter

        In all honesty, that sounds like the Palin E-Z Grift Plan(TM) all wrapped up with a purty bow on it. Expect to be sued for unauthorized use of it in blog comments…

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        But she hasn't yet not denied that she isn't not running yet.

        Best send a large check to SarahPAC, to be on the safe side.

      1. Upfist Fairy

        Maybe Fox will let her keep her job since no one would take her presidential run seriously. However, that doesn't explain why they gave Newt and Rick the boot.

    1. DaRooster

      Give 'em a break… they couldn't count how many comments there were… they just started fisting in the "Boo" way…
      Nothing to add just down-fists.

    1. UpfistFairy

      Comments like this are why I created a damn account. Fuck her indeed. With all the trolly downfists.

    1. Gopherit

      Unlike Sarah, we're all retreating to Pima county…..and praying for the secession of Baja Arizona.*

      *(I really hate that name, but it could be called Fucksawtardistan, as long as we get away from the rest of the state.)

      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Flagstaff is pretty nice… I'd rather live there. Lots of trees and a nearby big hole in the ground.

        PHX will now have a big hole, but still no trees.

    2. Callyson

      For real. I lived in that state for three years (the BF had a job there), and while I enjoyed the weather I could not stand the right wing wackos…
      Sometimes I miss the BF, but news stories like this make getting over that breakup a lot easier…

    3. BerkeleyBear

      Personally, I'm waiting for the state to wind up being a real life version of "A Day Without a Mexican" and the ensuing culling of the craxy white herd when they try to do their own manual labor/gardening/dishwashing in the heat.

  3. OC_Surf_[redacted]

    Scottsdale, AZ huh?

    The place was created in 1960 by a bunch of developers to look like a old-fashioned wild west town.

    Contrived to the hilt.

    Palin will fit right in.

    1. tessiee

      Just think of all the taxpayer money she can spend on cowgirl boots and Western-style snap shirts to dress up as her new "mama coyote" persona.

  4. jodyleek

    And she's probably writing "President of All of Them United States, Sarah Palin" all over her notebooks. Isn't that cute?!?!!

    1. tessiee

      That will make a nice change from all the "Mrs. Vladimir Putin" and "Vlad & Sarah 4-eva!" doodles.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Got money I'll do anything for you.
      Got money just tell me what you want me to.
      Got money nail me up against the wall.
      Got money don't want everything he wants it all.

      Head like a hole.
      Black as your soul.
      I'd rather die than give you control.
      Head like a hole.
      Black as your soul.
      I'd rather die than give you control.

      Got money's not looking for the cure.
      Got money's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure.
      Got money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised.
      Got money's not one to choose

      You know who you are.

  5. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Oh look, only 6 comments in and downfister trool has already shown up.

    Sarah!, Sarah!, Sarah! shouted d.f. trool, as he divebombed the Wonkette commentariat from his subterranean lair in Mommy's house.

    1. SorosBot

      Mockery of their Queen seems to draw them even more than other posts; maybe it is Lou Sarah doing the downfisting.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      See, this is why I usually hold back, and comment later to protect my pee from the initial wave of down fisters.

      I tremble in fear at the mighty, vengeful wrath of Downfister Troll!

  6. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Oh please, oh please. This will make my ignorant, Phoenix-dwelling, tea-tarded in-laws sooooo proud. Whenever I'm dragged out there they can beam with pride at who their fancy new neighbor is.

    Surveyor marks for everyone! Right here, right on your foreheads. A little closer… yes, that's perfect: SMACK!

    1. V572625694

      "Stuff" in this case being extensive purchases at Nieman-Marcus, Saks, etc., paid with campaign money.

      1. Fare la [redacted]

        "'Embezzlement'? I have an Embezzler at home! It stuck those fancy pink rhinestones onto Bristol's jeans!"

  7. SorosBot

    Basing your campaign in Arizona just to rub it in Gifford's wounded face is a great idea, Sarah, downright Reaganite as he launched his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, celebrating the ideology of those who murdered three civil rights workers there.

  8. Steverino247

    The downfister is Sarah Palin. We already know she's the thinnest skinned politician in history, so who else could it be? Lou Sarah?

  9. Bezoar

    What I want to know is, (and I hope I'm the first to ask this), how did she get in to the Fortress of Solitude?

    1. Barrelhse

      I only wish she were in the Cone of Silence.

      ("Not the Cone of Silence, Max." *faceplant*)

  10. BombyMcGee

    I like that a "refusal to retreat" is now "traditional," like putting cheese on apple pie or going to the fair.

  11. Fare la [redacted]

    Great idea, Sarah. Basing it out of Arizona ranks right up there with the NRA holding their rally in Columbine, and remember what a success that was?

  12. OC_Surf_[redacted]

    Sarah and Cindy McCain can shop together, catch up on their lives, fondly remember how she destroyed her husband's chance of being President…

    1. trondant

      Yeah, it looks like Walnuts was too senile to scrape off his boots after the election and tracked bullshit back into his house.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I can see Sarah serving eight years, then refusing to leave office, void the election of her successor, & declare herself Empress of the Ameripalinian Crown.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Those terms are $650,000 a month, unlimited use of the private jet, unlimited shopping trips to Neiman Marcus for her and her family, a new snow mobile for Todd every month, her own production company, enough meth to keep everyone in Wasilla quiet, and nannies for all the illegitimate bastards grandchildren her kids keep popping out.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Hahahaha! You didn't get the downfist everybody else here got. The troll doesn't understand sarcasm!

    1. V572625694

      Really. In private emails, Alaskunt is probably not so fussy about grammar and spelling as she is in her public messages.

      1. PsycWench

        So I will have new examples of "word salad" to use in my classes when we're discussing schizophrenia and aphasias. Hurray!!!

  13. OkieDokieDog

    Nobody likes a tease, Sarah Lou, or Lou Sarah, or whatever your CB radio handle is this week.

  14. Sue4466

    I'm starting to think Sarah has an intensedebate account too. Given her unemployment status, she does have the time to be here downfisting any comments about her.

  15. baconzgood

    Sarah likes the idea of an AZ base because AZ is full of crack pot-meth-gun toting-racist-hicks, but Sarah…..There are Messi-cans there…..You know "Browner" people. They're icky. Try Alabama instead.

  16. Barbara_i

    Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall when she asks John to be her Veep? Sarah and Cindy would have to travel to the hospital in the same ambulance to get Cindy's size 7 Jimmy Choo out of her ass.

    1. OC_Surf_[redacted]

      WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COMMENT?? Downfisters and lost comments, WTF?

      REPOST: It will be nice that Sarah and Cindy McCain can go shopping at Fashion Square, share stories about what successful and beautiful daughters they raised, remember fondly how Sarah destroyed any chance Cindy's husband had of being President…

  17. ttommyunger

    Only the Alaskunt could scare the middle enough to vote for the black guy again. Remember, Dubya is just a distant memory now, a bad dream; nothing to frighten voters away from all things Republican. Barry's election was the result of a perfect storm which acted in his electoral favor. Only Sarah can save his black ass, assuming it is worth saving….Frankly, I've been wondering about that lately.

  18. genxr

    If she really wants to get her message across, she could hold a campaign rally in the Safeway parking lot.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    She would have liked to testify at Peter King's hearings today and taken her obligatory shot at the Muslims, but then she found out that testimony at hearings is not compen$ated, and they don't have the bendy straws there either.

  20. Chillwaver

    The best part about the Downfisting idiot is that for every donwfist, we get at least 10 upfists from fellow Wonketteers. So thank you very much, you fucking Troll!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It sure motivates me to upfist a lot more than I would ordinarily. I mean, my metric is normally "makes me laugh a laugh that makes an audible sound." But VD Troll makes me pass them out like candy.

  21. donner_froh

    Palin must be suffering particularly severe withdrawal symptoms just now–not only the first gas pockets in the GOP swamp are beginning to bubble up for 2012 but Peter King has jumped to the head of the crazy line.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      The squalidrons of flaketards who do, though, will be polluting AZ's highways/ roadsides this Sunday more than just about anywhere else.
      Congrats, Arizona.

          1. Barbara_i

            Yeah, it will be a nice little treat for her to go for a ride after she is done handwashing Sarah's delicates. I just hope that she has the common sense to take the crockpot, half filled with moose stew, out of the kitchen sink first. The idea is to get the moose stew stains OUT of the silkies and not to add more.

  22. Sophist [teadacted]

    Has she revealed what the campaign-derailing political scandal that sunk her candidacy would be, if she ran?

      1. Barbara_i

        Bah ha ha, the downfister brought me to a zero on that one. Hey, I said it and I laughed. You can't take that away from me dickhead!

  23. Boredw/Gravity

    No, but she can see the 18th green. Take up golf, Sarah — show the political system some mercy and leave it alone for a little while.

  24. chickensmack

    Now the World's Worst Mother™ may — like Poppy did in 1992 with Texas — adopt a whole goddamned state.

    An aside to Gopherit, who lives in Arizona: This will make you a stepchild to a trophy wife.

    1. Gopherit

      Meh. She won't even be in the top ten of idiot fucktards in this state. Come here, Sarah. You probably think you'll be coming to Galt's Gulch, but you won't be anyone special here. We have retards to spare.

  25. SenileAgitation

    More importantly, she could renew her warm mentor-mental case relationship with Senator McCain, the desperate geezing hypocrite local patriot who first recognized her ambition qualifications and brought her to the gravy trough our grateful attention. Plus, you can see Mexico from AZ. If she were to consider serving her country in this manner.

  26. randcoolcatdaddy

    I don't know why, but lately when someone mentions "Sarah Palin", I keep thinking of Saran Wrap.

    1. Barrelhse

      Yeah, and for some reason "Saran Wrap" made me think of a dry-cleaner bag over her head.
      I like this game.

  27. OneDollarJuana

    I'll betcha if the IRS cares to take a look at Lou Sarah's returns, there's a bit of "rent" being paid to Bristol for use of the house as a "campaign" office, and that there is a commensurate write-off against Lou Sarah's taxes.

    1. berkeleyfarm

      Oh, I'm sure if the PAC/other finances were examined with the searching eye, there would be a lot of … "improprieties". Anyone who thinks Bristol was paying for her three bedroom condo, car, and live-in babysitter out of her own money?

      I mean, a number of Sarah's spiritual advisors were among the group that worshipped the Wall Street bull, and they are definitely among the wackier strain of "name it and claim it"/"blab it and grab it" dominionists that think that they are doing God's Work to seperate unbelievers from their money (and put it in their own pockets).

      The kicker is that Palin's probably politically immune from an audit at the moment. So the IRS is going after hairdressers and pizza boys instead.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      A wounded duck only flies one way — into the hands of a defensive back for a team contesting a match with whatever team Brett Favre quarterbacks.

  28. V572625694

    She doesn't have to do anything in my book, but the possibilities open to her are tantalizing.

    1. tessiee

      I will look forward to her buying a Candidate Kit from Acme Corporation, and when she pries the crate open with a crowbar, it will contain a giant magnet, which will then pull her into a rock wall/onto train tracks/off a cliff.

  29. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Palin Starting To Tease About What Her 2012 Trainwreck Would Look Like

    You would think she would have learned from Bristol what happens if you tease too much.

    1. jus_wonderin

      In Sarah's mind (<<??) she would be Mother President to the Nation. She would give birth to a new style of governance that would be at 'tarded as Triglet.

  30. Barbara_i

    Sarah is going to be really busy making up names and writing glowing letters about herself to the editor of the Arizona newspapers.

  31. Callyson

    On the positive side, perhaps she will come down with what many newcomers to the desert get:
    Valley fever is a fungal infection caused by coccidioides (kok-sid-ee-OI-deze) organisms. It can cause fever, chest pain and coughing, among other signs and symptoms.
    Not a fatal disease, mind you, but it can last for weeks…long enough to distract the Quitter from Wasilla into doing something else…

  32. widestanceroman

    I can see it now, she'll pretend to get shot and be crippled with amnesia, just like every other soap opera hag has to do to stay on the air.

    Also: upfist orgies rock!

    1. chicken[redack]

      Speak for yourself. At first, they're great… all posts appear, including replies.

      Later on, as more users post and reply, I must adjust my glasses to look for red reply links, expand them, and check the upfist color code. What's worse? Sarah Palin stories gobble up our collective fervor to out-smartass one another in our matriarchal hatred of Miss Absolute Zero.

  33. BombyMcGee

    If she runs, the resulting swarm of reporters will definitely be good for the Scottsdale economy. Especially purveyors of liquor and donuts.

  34. JustPixelz

    How nice that Sarah Palin™ is moving to AZ to be near her daughter and grandson! I'll bet they're humbled by her unselfishness. Also shocked.

  35. BaldarTFlagass

    I might have to re-examine and adjust my standards. However, I'm a bit worried about getting carpal tunnel syndrome in my upfist finger.

  36. hagajim

    Just what Arizona needs, another batshit crazy politician (apologies to Gabby)…but what with Jan Brewer, Walnutz and that wingnut sherriff….how many other shitheads does this state need. Remember, ol Timmy McVeigh made his home in the desert state as well.

  37. mourningnmerica

    Oh, great. Now Tawd is going to have to find a new, compliant, overweight, aboriginal type to make the sexy with. What a bother. I bet he is dreading making the hole tripp.

  38. jq[redacted]heywood

    Excellent point…I hadn't thought of that. I wish this Intense Debate thingy had a "New!" flag for things I hadn't yet read.

  39. BaldarTFlagass

    What, looking for the real killer quitter on our nation's finest golfcourses? Or getting busted in a Sarah memoribilia heist?

  40. aqua_buddha

    Hard to figure out how this Playtime Candidate thing is going to work itself out.
    She can't reasonably expect a nomination in the current climate, not even with a wack coalition of toothless olds and wholesome american gun-racists …
    As a non-contender, she can't really expect a whole lot of anyone to care once 2012 is over, and she didn't run, or win, or place, or show, or anything at all.
    The money may be okay for the moment but it isn't all that fat, and could dry up quick.
    So either it's the role of spoiler with a possible no-chance third-party candidacy meant to throw mud in every direction, ala a kind of national, wackadelic Sharon Angle / Christine O'Donnell strategy.. or it's just not a strategy. She's running in a squirrel's treadmill where she's dead if the wheel stops.

    Well, I suppose in a culture that views bizarre stoneagers like Newt, Buchanon and Dick Morris as worthwhile, she figures she has a few years on the milktrain. Breaking : Next hour, on Hannity: Sarah Emphatically Agrees With Sean That Obama Is Not Only Horrible But Also Black, By The Way. Keep it right here on Fox.

    1. tessiee

      "Hard to figure out how this Playtime Candidate thing is going to work itself out.
      She can't reasonably expect a nomination in the current climate"

      You're giving her a lot of credit to assume that she remembers what an election is, much less cares one way or the other. She's old news in Alaska, so she's moving to another state full of dumb hicks so she can be the center of attention there.

  41. Rush_Oxycontin

    I hope she moves in next door to McCain. He is the one who unleashed her on the world.

  42. Eve8Apples

    When she isn't out verbally masturbating on the campaign trail, she can while away the hours shooting Messicans from a helicopter.

  43. Barrelhse

    I predict some Van Flein sightings in the area. He's kinda like stink on shit with that family.

  44. deanbooth

    I wouldn't call her base in Arizona a traditional refusal to retreat. Like most criminals, she's returning to the scene of the crime

  45. MegPasadena

    Some say she might try to run for Jon Kyl's senate seat.
    It will be fun to see her run against Giffords.
    Or she is just waiting for McCain to die so Jan Brewer can appoint her.

  46. MegPasadena

    To extend her foreign affair credential, she will now start watching Mexico from her house.

  47. qwerty42

    Courtesy Andrew Sullivan who based it on an article from John Phillips on why Palin should be the GOP nominee:

    If the GOP is going to lose, why not go out with an emotionally satisfying bang?

  48. AnotherAlaskan

    Hey, troll, I see your downfist and raise you an upfist for everybody.

    As it happens, today I shall be in the neighborhood of Ranchero de Palins. I think I'll make a drive-by sneer.

  49. jus_wonderin

    Ya know, you'd think she would go ahead and announce. She's has to have worn out all those RNC clothes by now.

  50. JoeBiteme

    Well, that does it. I love my parents, but they'll just have to come visit me in DC, 'cause I'm never taking the elevator down to Arizona (aka "Hell, Level 7") ever again.

    The whole fucking state has become a magnet for non-traditional chromosome configurations…

  51. tessiee

    "But back to this Arizona thing, here’s why it’s perfect:

    Basing a campaign there would be a provocative rejection of any lingering political cost from those who connect her harsh rhetoric and Gabrielle Giffords’ shooting — a traditional refusal to retreat."

    Look, you guys, I'm totally in favor of a "Sarah Palin is so dumb that…" joke meme — but dammit, I'm not willing to put *impossible* amounts of effort into making up jokes that are worse than her actual behavior!

    I mean, if there's a joke that tops, "Sarah Palin is so dumb that she thinks running her campaign from the site of a shooting that she helped enable makes her look blameless instead of tone-deaf and callous", it will take a greater mind than I have to think it up.

  52. natoslug

    NOOOOOOOOO! I'm sorry, Soros, but I accidentally thumbed you the wrong way. I'll make up for it elsewhere, I promise. We need bigger thumb icons for those of us who haven't updated our prescriptions lately. Um, that's eyeglass prescriptions. Although I am sure other prescriptions would help as well.

  53. DREGstudios

    The public is finally coming around to seeing the true Sarah Palin. Instead of smiling and nodding while talking about murders and national tragedies, she should have shown some humility. I was compelled to create a visual commentary of her political rhetoric and its effects on my artist's blog at… Drop by and let me know what you think.

    1. cheaphits

      I got lost there for almost an hour. My compliments – loved the artwork, but found the text just as compelling, a tip of the pith helmet for the piece on Hunter S. Thompson.

      Anyone who comes here should go there.

  54. JackObin

    Palin's 2012 campaign will look just like America!. To wit; stupid, vacuous, inane and a strange, blank stare when confronted with big words.

  55. lochnessmonster

    I still think they had Bristol buy it but it's really McCain and Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin's love shack!

  56. MiniMencken

    On the positive side, Maricopa is a day's scenic drive to all of the fine legal brothels around Las Vegas. And we Enquirer readers all know how Der Todd goes for das Mädchen…

  57. The Pissed Off Tree Rat

    Hello. My name is The Pissed Off Tree Rat. Any chance a Libertarian can get a comment posted here, or is that forbidden? It seems that's the case so far.

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