OF COURSE  3:13 pm March 9, 2011

Newt Gingrich Committed Adultery Because America Made Him Horny

by Jack Stuef

'Oh yeah, baby, oh yeah, you like when I stick it in your Mississippi? Yeah, does that make you wet? UHHHHHHHNGHHHHH.'Presidential candidate/kitsch 1990s artifact Newt Gingrich knows he’s going to have to explain why he had so many affairs when he was trying to remove President Clinton from office for getting a blowjob, and here’s how he explained it to CBN in what appears to be some kind of tractor shed for storing murder victims: “There’s no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” Ah, there you go! Newt was so horny for America he would have sex with anything, and probably even made his mistresses dress up in a map of the United States in the sack so he could act out his fantasy. Newt Gingrich will stop committing adultery as soon as this country stops looking so gosh-darn beautiful! It’s not his fault!

“I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down in their hearts hope there’s a forgiving God. Somebody once said that when we’re young, we seek justice, but as we get older, we seek mercy. There’s something to that, I think.

“I hope you can forgive yourself, God, for making this country so damn fuckable. Jeez Louise, this country is fucking hot! It’s actually your fault I had sex with women outside my marriages, because you shouldn’t have dressed up the United States in those skimpy borders. What am I saying? It’s not even wearing any clothes!”

Many politicians say they love this country. But few have the strength to admit to the U.S. they want to take it in the back room and cum on its face. THOSE POLL NUMBERS ARE GONNA CLIMB NOW! [CBN via TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 254 comments }

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Well, OK then. I'm buying that, big-time!

V572625694 March 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Really. What's the URL for his "exploratory" Web site. I want to give them my AMEX number right now, because there's no pre-set credit limit.

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Amen! What a Patriot!

PublicLuxury March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Well here's the proof. Some men will fuck anything!

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Well, his love is so big it takes a whole Country to absorb it.

PublicLuxury March 9, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Don't you mean 'Cuntry' Tommy?

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 7:24 pm

I actually considered that but reserve that word for special people; like Beck, O'Reilly, Limpbaugh, etc. Yes, it fits them well, gender aside.

Angry_Marmot March 9, 2011 at 7:35 pm

… And a Brawny® paper towel.

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 7:38 pm

At least.

nounverb911 March 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

"I do believe in a forgiving God. "
How about a forgiving ex-wife?

DaRooster March 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

He has only prayed for that.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Nah, but he does believe in their inherent expendability, however.

CookieGuggleman March 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Blowjobs happen.

MildMidwesterner March 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm

What else can one expect when Florida is just hanging there, all straight and long and surrounded by hot moisture?

CookieGuggleman March 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Newt is a pussy for America's Wang™.

x111e7thst March 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Not often enough.

Beowoof March 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Very true

CookieGuggleman March 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Married?

x111e7thst March 9, 2011 at 4:16 pm

If she won't dress up as US Amerikka I won't marry her.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Dick goes in, jizz comes out. Newt can't explain that.

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Never a miscommunication…

zhubajie March 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm

With SUN reporters?

outragedcitizen March 9, 2011 at 3:18 pm

"…probably even made his mistresses dress up in a map of the United States in the sack…"

Come on, baby, roll over and stick it in the air, I'm gonna fuck you in Texas!

FNMA March 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

And cum on your Dakotas.

OneDollarJuana March 9, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Oh baby! Suck on my Devil's Tower while I wallow in your Grand Canyon.

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Grand Tetons, baby….

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I'm gonna rub your purple mountain majesties above the fruited plain.

V572625694 March 9, 2011 at 4:05 pm

It's funny cuz it's true!

"The origin of the current name is controversial. The most common explanation is that "Grand Teton" means "large teat" in French, named by either French-Canadian or Iroquois members of an expedition led by Donald McKenzie of the North West Company"

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

So if Newt were a mountain, he would be Grand Derriere?

SexySmurf March 9, 2011 at 3:27 pm

"Who's a ho?"

"Idaho!"

Weenus299 March 9, 2011 at 4:23 pm

that's what Arkansas.

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Something tells me Newt is secretly longing for a big hard Florida in his mouth.

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Newt can act like he's into Virginias all he wants, but we know the truth.

LionelHutzEsq March 9, 2011 at 3:39 pm

But will she take it in her California?

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

…and then her PA opened the door and said, "Mind if I join IN?" And Newt said, "OH–OK!"

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm

No MO, no MO…

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 6:07 pm

But you're just in time for the OR-AL.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Newt Gingrich is Oklahoma sexual, and that's not OK.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Imma fill you with my Rhode Island, baby.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Newt Rhode Island hard and put her away wet.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm

She's gonna need a new jersey now.

Extempor[redacted] March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Delaware's next to nothin', so she's clearly askin' for it.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Tak it up the Chesapeake, you dirty, dirty whore!

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Who's you PA PA

thebeatgoeson08 March 9, 2011 at 4:38 pm

a million thumbs up for starting this thread!

hagajim March 9, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Is that the Yellow Hole of Texas?

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

"roll over and stick it in the air, I'm gonna fuck you in Texas!"

Looking back over the years 2000-2008, that has a certain karmic symmetry.

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 2:14 am

That's right, Michigan. Jerk me off just like your shape suggests, baby! Oh, yeah.

Barbara_i March 9, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Yeah, he's a real America loving patriot.
Give me lascivious or give me death!

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 3:19 pm

It was like a scene out of Crying Game when Newt saw Flordia for the first time.

EdFlintstone March 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Bend over America here cums Newt.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 4:12 pm

♪♫ Every time that flag's unfurled, he's coming on America! ♪♫

nounverb911 March 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

So is Newt forgiving himself going to help find a cure for cancer?

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:38 pm

He already forgave cancer.

prommie March 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Sounds right to me, whenever I work far too hard, things happen in my life that aren't appropriate. Sure, thats it, gosh darn it, whenever I sin, you see, my sinning is caused by my incredible excess of virtue. Yes, my worst trait, is that sometimes, I work too darn hard.

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Damn I'm using that in my next job interview.

"What is your biggest weakness?"

"Sometimes I work too hard. Then I bonk interns."

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I'm such a perfectionist that I have to tap all the ass in the office.

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Just a true workaholic, right?

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I love my jerb so much that all can think about is hookers and blow!

Buckminster March 9, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Wow, what's next? "I started a war in a foreign country and killed my neighbor and buried him in a tool shed, because that's what I do when I work too hard. "
Bullpucky!

zhubajie March 9, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Winter snowstorms

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Oh! I know exactly what you mean! I'm always having problems because, gosh darn it, I CARE TOO MUCH!

mereoblivion March 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

"As a person, I’ve had the opportunity to have a wonderful life, to find myself now, truly enjoying the depths of my life in ways that I never dreamed it was possible to have a life that was that nice.”
Newt, baby, you lost us at "As a person,"

OneDollarJuana March 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

“I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. "

Oops! Newt, today's brand of crazy-eyed, reality-denying, power-mad fundamentalist believes in the old school God. You know, the one who will kill off a man's entire family in gruesome, tortured ways just to get a sniveling, groveling wreck of a destroyed soul to give a bit of tearful praise. How forgiving do you think this God's going to be when he thought nothing of destroying an entire city or two just to teach one man an object lesson?

chascates March 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm

The same Loving Father who kicked billions of Adam & Eve's offspring out of the Garden of Eden for eating an apple. No Ayatollah can hold a grudge like that!

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Not just any apple but an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. That's the part that always got me.

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 2:26 am

Yeah, that always got me. They weren't just kicked out for being disobediant, but because they wanted to know shit. They wanted to be something other than aimless pleasurebots. The moral of that story pretty much sets the entire premise for Christianity, that wanting to know things (one of the things that makes us human) – the pursuit of knowledge – is an inherently depraved and jealousy-ladden pursuit. That we should have just been content with being and being taken care of.

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Newts' ok now. He's now on Pat Robertson's Magic Pancake diet. http://www.cbn.com/communitypublic/pancakes.aspx

Make sure you read the everything I just said about my magic pancakes is utter bullshit disclaimer in red.

poncho_pilot March 9, 2011 at 5:10 pm

a protein joke seems appropriate here.

edgydrifter March 9, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Most politicians are content to fuck us all collectively. Newt wants to do it one at a time, because he's a gentleman.

chascates March 9, 2011 at 3:22 pm

The dog ate my homework. My patriotism made me cheat on my wife.

moralturpentine March 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Sometimes, chascates, when a man and a country love each other very, very much the man has to proposition as many women as he possibly can for sex and then he has sex with as many as he possibly can, and that's how territories are made.

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 2:27 am

FTW

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Newt Gingrich only fucked Lady Liberty in the ass out of a deep-seated sense of patriotism.

BarryOPotter March 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

deep-seated sense of patriotism.

So, what you're saying is that Lady Liberty has some junk in the trunk and once she was backing that stuff up, Newt did what a ho gonna did…

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm

She was asking for it. She shows way too much wrist out there in the harbor.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

And then he pulled out and came on her face because of an overzealous work ethic?

RedneckMuslin March 9, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Well, we need to cover up our penis (Florida) sos he doesn't get so horny.

Thurman Munster IV March 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm

He had affairs because he was working too hard, but that couldn't be forgiven for Clinton. Looks like someone didn't give up hypocrisy for Lent.

Tengu March 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm

"In conclusion you see that I care so much about America that I HAD to cheat on my dying wife… um OK, so vote Gingrich."

poncho_pilot March 9, 2011 at 5:11 pm

San Dimas High School football rules!!!

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:49 pm

That would have been a lot better if his last name was Quimby.

doxastic March 9, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I worked really hard today. Time to go cheatin!

LabRodent March 9, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Why must i feel like that , why must i chase the cat…Aint nuthin but the patrotism in me..

SexySmurf March 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

North Dakota is too flat. Colorado on the other hand, I would love to tap those Rockies.

Tundra Grifter March 9, 2011 at 3:34 pm

SS: Perhaps you are thinking of the Grand Tetons. (Look 'em up!)

OkieDokieDog March 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

And the God-fearing bible humpers will eat this crap up. — He's admitted his sins and if God forgives him, then so will I. God bless you, Newt.

Well I don't buy it. Newt you old nasty horn toad, fuck off.

BarryOPotter March 9, 2011 at 3:44 pm

He'll fool some, but not everyone. To Newt, God's forgiveness is a sure thing, but the horny toad has to do more than just pray if he wants man's votes. What's the word I'm looking for to describe this situation?

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I can't take much more of this.

CookieGuggleman March 9, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Oh, he's just getting started.

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Not, say, a year and a half more?

undeterredbyreality March 9, 2011 at 3:46 pm

No, he won't last that long, but he'll be laughing all the way to the bank the whole time.

BarryOPotter March 9, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I can't take much more of this.

Just relax. You're doing fine, champ…

Angry_Marmot March 9, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Isn't this just a reminder of the First Noble Truth?

mausgeo March 9, 2011 at 3:27 pm

My fantasy too – screw the country as often as possible

assistantatlas March 9, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Isn't it nice that you have something in common with the Koch brothers…

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Not their bank balance, unfortunately.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:27 pm

So we should forgive Newt for cheating when it was because he was working so hard at trying to fuck over the American people along with leading a destructive witch-hunt against the President? Um, no.

jus_wonderin March 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Wait, wait, whoa wait, whoa! I did everything I could to not look sexy for Newt. Seriously. I was begging him to cut off MY arm to get him out of my bed.

chickensmack March 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It's fortunate you believe in a forgiving God, Newt. Now let's find out if your previous wives — and your children from those patriotic Fuck-O-Rama marriages — forgive you.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Now I understand the conversion to Catholicism; Newt figured he really needs the advantage of a god that will always forgive any sin as long as you tell them to a priest and then recite the prescribed number of Hail Marys.

chickensmack March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

At least he has forgiveness goin' for him. Sex ain't free, y'know.

edited for niceties.

ChurchofRealism March 9, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Can't he just get a jizz sock, like the rest of us?

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Today, we are all Newt's jizz sock.

Gleem_McShineys March 9, 2011 at 7:29 pm

That's later, when he names a VP candidate.

Radiotherapy March 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

He he had a flag pin stuck in his 3 inch pencil dick too.

chickensmack March 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Also, as an atheist, I couldn't care less if your imaginary friend said "Tabula rasa" or not. And there's more of us nowadays, so keep pandering, asshole.

Billmatic March 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

It's so sad that I get less action than Newt Gingrich. T_T

gurukalehuru March 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

“I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. "

An understanding God, maybe not so much.

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm

yeah, god is definitely looking down and saying what the fuck newt. Seriously.

doxastic March 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

What I look for in a presidential candidate is a old white asshole who doesn't seek justice.

Sophist[ArsPunetica] March 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Then you, my friend, are spoilt for choice.

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Where does Newty Toot imagine sticking his "dick" in US America?

I'm betting Tejas.

Texan_Bulldog March 9, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Stop blood libeling Texas!!!!11!

MozakiBlocks March 9, 2011 at 3:32 pm

The new Wonkette diet.

Eat. Read the latest post about Republicans and their wacked out sexual preferenes and mores. Immediately lose whatever you ate.

Get a book and infomercial deal immediately fellas and you could be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

jus_wonderin March 9, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I lost five pounds on Tuesday, alone.

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Amen to that. I'm still trying to bleach my brain from some of those mental images….

Thurman Munster IV March 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Wonkette could even start buyin' itself some governors with that kind of cash

Callyson March 9, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Wish that diet plan worked for me…sadly, whatever food I lose is counter – balanced by the alcohol I consume…

SenileAgitation March 9, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Newt believes in a forgiving God. If you believe in God, you should forgive Newt for his trespasses. The adultery doesn't matter anymore, because he said "sorry" and God said "No sweat, sonny, go and sin no more, if you can manage that. I know you've been really busy." Once again, Newt has made a convincing presentation and deserves to be President. That dancing older Palin girl would make a good running mate.

Thurman Munster IV March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

As long as Newt doesn't work too hard as prez, Callista won't have anything to worry about.

FNMA March 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Except remaining cancer-free.

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

OT – but today's news has given me the vapors. I found this to be amusing:
http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Oh I hope those atheists are getting some real money from the Rapture-believing fools.

zhubajie March 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm

A few years ago, some German Lutheran priest was baptizing the pets of his older congregants. His bishop did not approve.

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Did his boss work at the bishopric?—

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

See, Newt didn't do anything wrong — wrong things just happened using his body and brain. If patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, the passive voice isn't too far behind.

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Indeed. "Mistakes were made", etc.

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

That's just about my favorite comic ever. I had it hanging on a wall years ago…

EdFlintstone March 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

So wait, now that he's remarried again and is supposedly monogamous, we can only conclude that Newt has lost his wood for America—-FAIL.

Schmegeg March 9, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Well, now I am conviced. It is NEWT. But I bet as soon as he is sworn in, he is off for a fling with Canada.

Jason_inthe_Peg March 9, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Oh no.

We have our own dicks screwing us with their conservative fundamentalist hypocrisy.

No matter how bad our bad boys we don't two time them up here.

Rosie_Scenario March 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Photo of Newt right after he won the Preakness.

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Thumbs up for you!

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Puh-leeze! His old, fat ass gets winded taking the Vicky's Secret catalogue out of the mailbox!

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Ah the old Republican motto: When we enter government we seek justice. When we are forced to leave in disgrace, we seek mercy.

Sophist[ArsPunetica] March 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Is "mercy" slang for a lobbying gig at Raytheon?

philpjfry March 9, 2011 at 3:38 pm

How long did it take to come up with that excuse? They must have worked a good half an hour on that one. Time for more sexy but sech after all that hard work.

DaRooster March 9, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Come on people. Newt said he made mistakes, with his out loud voice. That means he will never do anything, like those things he has done numerous times because he didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings, again. (Until there is a good opportunity and he can blame all the hard work)

Vote for the Newt 2012! He cares and… likes to fuck! WHO'S NEXT?!?

pinkocommi March 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Newt is proving once again that politicians are whores. Quick! Someone make a blingee of Newt holding a sign "Will work for blowjobs."

bumfug March 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

America was asking for it, her with her purple mountains majesty and those fruited plains.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Newt will make her white with foam.

mereoblivion March 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

And let's hear it for Amber Waves in "Boogie Nights."

sezme March 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

It's in bad taste to blame the victim…

CapeClod March 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

And Newt's forgiving God said: "Are your shitting me? Really? You're serious?"

harry_palmer March 9, 2011 at 3:41 pm

"Not God’s understanding?" What, it's all too complicated for Him? Or you're hoping he doesn't figure out you're full of shit? Or that the simpletons that lap this shit up never find out that both you and God are long-term cons? Help me here, Neuter.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 6:57 pm

What, Newt's the first male slut ever? If there is a God, He understands Newt only too well.

aguacatero March 9, 2011 at 3:41 pm

This story — like Dick Cheney shooting the old man in the face — should be off limits for Wonkette and its lesser imitators such as the Daily Show. Picking fruit that hangs this low (if you will) will make you out of shape, and you'll have to use a Virtual Rascal.

Tundra Grifter March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

At the risk of sounding serious, I think (once again) Ole Newt got it backwards.

When we are young, we ask for mercy when things go sideways because we figure the world is against us and it just isn't fair.

When are are old, we realize the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. We seek justice because we know that the world isn't fair; it's up to us to do our best to change it. And we come to realize that we have brought most of our troubles upon ourselves.

Correctly perceiving that it generally isn't the other guy's fault, we seek justice because we understand and willingly accept personal responsibility.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Your average conservative argues the complete opposite of this. Justice is for stupid young idealists, mercy is a literal Hail Mary for the old and resigned.

superdave March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

How deluded and narcissistic has Newt got to be to seriously believe he could win the Presidency? Or even the Republican nomination? The mind boggles. It's hard to imagine a more flawed candidate.

LowProfileinGA March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Lacking media reports of infidelity, one can conclude Newt has been faithful to his 3rd wife. Why does Newt hate America??

privatejoker77 March 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Ah yes, let's just forget the late 90s.

mourningnmerica March 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Had I known that hard work led to an increased libido and more pussy, I would not have wasted my life slacking, as I have done.

Newt really is, perhaps, the sickest fuck to ever grace the American political scene. He gives me the deep, deep willies.

lulzmonger March 10, 2011 at 3:38 am

I think your willies are justified: he's amoral as hell & too smart for anyone else's good.

thebeatgoeson08 March 10, 2011 at 8:48 am

I don't think I want Newt's willy anywhere near me, deep or otherwise. I think he's too fat for that to happen anyway. Thank Jeebus.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

We've come (heh) a long way since Carter's heart full of lust.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

For a breezily fecund recap of Newton Leroy's ongoing game of musical vaginas, here's local girl-made-good Juli Weiner last August at aptly-named Vanity Fair:
http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2010/08/an

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Back dat AZ up… back dat AZ up..

LionelHutzEsq March 9, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Newt is sure he will get God''s forgiveness, as the last time he was banging an intern, he made sure to use God's name a lot.

Redhead March 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm

"he explained it to CBN in what appears to be some kind of tractor shed for storing murder victims:"

See, if this were on Faux News, the viewers wouldn't be able to understand the difference between satire, snark and seriousness and would hear Palin's followup comment (always, "don't retreat, reload!") and be at Newt's home with loaded shotguns demanding to know where the bodies are hidden in the shed.

Or not, since it's Newt and apparently he can fuck anyone he wants and it's okay because his name has an "R" next to it and he said "God" five times in four sentences.

weejee March 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm

If hypocrisy was a capital offense, Newtie should look to movin' to Illinois, who just abolished the death penalty (huzzah), or one of their 14 cousin states that have given-up the noose, so to speak.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Can we give him the chair just for making me picture him having sex?
/Sideshow Bob shudder/

Callyson March 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Well, I for one will never be able to listen to "America the Beautiful" without LMFAO…

bflrtsplk March 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

A Newt is a slimy reptile. Simple, but it says it.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Ahem, it's a slimy amphibian.

undeterredbyreality March 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

“I found that I felt compelled to claim that I would seek God’s forgiveness so all those fundies out there would send money to me. Not God’s understanding , because that would be asking way too much even for them to accept, and "understanding" isn't exactly part of their strong suit, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe it's very important to pretend that I believe in a forgiving God. "

Fixed.

the_problem_child March 9, 2011 at 3:55 pm

First mistress was named Justice, and the second named Mercy?

I'm not buying it. The second looks more like a Cindy.

DustBowlBlues March 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm

For all the wonkeratti who bought into my self-motivated, two day self-pity-whoremongering frenzy: I'm healed. No shit. Problem bump vanished. No sign of any problem.

I spent yesterday working at a chili dinner at my UM church that lost money and members (in reverse order) because we didn't hate the gayz all to raise money to feed the old fucks who voted for teabaggery and got what they voted for: lost funding for the old fucks nutrition site. And I was really pissed that it is so hard to be a real Christian because 3 guys were bad mouthing unions the night we sat up for the dinner but I went anyway, though I was worried about having cancer and though the old teabagging fucks had it coming but because it's a bitch to be a Christian, worked my ass off, including donating a big carrot cake I made myself as well as a Coconut Macaroon Pie I'd made myself. (From scratch! Take that, Betty Crocker).

Then my liberal UM pastor served me chili and I was healed! By using perfectly rational logical reasoning, I take this to mean that God loves Democrats, mainstream United Methodists and gays. And, of course, since that's the case, it must mean that she hates Southern Baptists.

Thanks to all the wonkeratti's good wishes and chants to the Moon Goddess and Lord of Nihilism, or whatever most liberals worship.

MissTaken March 9, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Yay! Very glad to hear all is good again.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Yay!

undeterredbyreality March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Told you it was nothing more substantial than Beck's BS. Glad to hear it, DBB.

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Rock on!

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Snark off….happy happy joy joy, for realz.

sezme March 9, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I'm very happy for you, Dusty, but I though only Unitarian ministers could do faith-healing.

chascates March 9, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Good news! About all of my family has leaved the UM because they were 'too liberal and in bed with the World Council of Churches'. And the Baptists never had as good a feed as my hometown church's 'Groundhog Day all-you-can-eat Sausage and Pancake Supper!

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Do tell! My minister used to offer to wash our feet as a gesture of goodwill/ Christ-emulating/ somewhat-healing service on Maundy Thursday. I bet he'd be surprised how many of us would opt for the chili-& cornbread cure instead.
Srsly, why give your pastor all the credit. You gave as well as received, there's bound to be something cleansing in that selfless act. (mmmm… homemade carrot cake..)

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Glad to hear it. Life would be dimmer without your comments.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I'm happy to hear you are in good health!

As for your latest radio theater reading from the Dust Bowl, all I can say is, you have the patience of Shirley Sherrod, to put up with those old teabagging bastards.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:02 pm

"Then my liberal UM pastor served me chili and I was healed!"

Did it have melted cheese on top? Because melted cheese will cure pretty much anything, up to and including heartbreak.

Glad to hear you're feeling better, tho.

Texan_Bulldog March 9, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Glad you're back & healthy. I've missed you & continue to be in awe that you can live in OK & not go insane or shoot some of the dumbest people to walk the face of the earth. I know–I was raised there but got out as quick as I could!

ShaveTheWhales March 9, 2011 at 9:43 pm

This week has been short of good news so far, so it's nice to hear some that matters.

Sorry about the old teabagging fucks.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I expected him to say he did not cheat, he merely "mis-penetrated, mis-thrusted, and mis-ejaculated," but did not cheat in God's eyes.

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Why does Newty Toot hate US America? He blames her for all his problems. Fuck it or pull out, NEWT!!*

*Seriously, way to be part of that culture of personal "responsibility."

fuflans March 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm

whoawhoawhao nobody's seducing anybody in that get up newt.

MissTaken March 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I must admit that yesterday's Sexy Wonkettathon did make me all tingly in my lady bits. Is that similiar to Newt fucking everything in a skirt while married because of Sexy America? Hmm.

__kth__ March 9, 2011 at 4:02 pm

America, me love you long time!

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Oh, very nicely done, very nicely done.

Buzz Feedback March 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Oh Merciful Lord, please spare me and taketh Newtie away.

Regards,
B. Feedback

LiveToServeYa March 9, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Well, if hard work caused all those affairs, he'll have to slack off when he's president so he can avoid jumping every intern that passes in front of him.

bumfug March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

As diseased as America is, Newt will be cheating on her soon.

efenhel March 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Uhh, doesn't that kinda make the Newtster gay? I mean America's a guy right? How else do you explain ole Florida just hanging down all flaccid like? Well and plus he is a republican… Just saying…

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Maybe he's out trolling with Chris Lee (R-Trannie/Cross Dresser) looking for Chicks with Dicks.

MissTaken March 9, 2011 at 4:17 pm

And didn't we recently learn that Wisconsin is literally fisting America?
http://wonkette.com/439954/wall-street-journal-go

efenhel March 9, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Yes, by what used to be called the America Fist Crowd, now they just usually stick to tea bagging.

jqheywood March 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

So, is Louisiana teabagging Mexico?

efenhel March 9, 2011 at 4:28 pm

In Newts wet dreams…

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Florida is America's ill-fitting strap-on.

efenhel March 9, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Ill fitting for who? Too big for Newt you suppose? Maybe?

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 5:58 pm

If Florida is America's ding-a-ling, that makes Alabama/Georgia/Mississippi the balls, right? (Ew.)

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

You now Bill Clinton is watching all the people who persecuted him being taking down by sex scandals/hounded for them from his presidential center in Harlem, chomping on one of his cigars and just laughing his ass off.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I'd imagine so.

Someone really needs to get a quote from Bill on this. I'd like something short and sweet that makes for a good sound byte/video clip/slogan/campaign button. Like "Really? That's funny.." followed by a chuckle in classic I-feel-your-pain Clinton voice.

LionelHutzEsq March 9, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Or, at least, chomping on some ass and laughing one of his cigars off.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

God doesn't want the homos to marry but he's OK with Newt's cancer/MS wife disposal greased with infidelity.

I'm starting to dislike this God fellow.

chickensmack March 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

better than "Cunt" for the Callookalikesta.

PublicLuxury March 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Did he use 'force' when fucking America? Did he drug America with ecstasy? Did he fuck his home state? Isn't that incest, Georgia?

sezme March 9, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I always suspected that Newt's Christian faith was just a convenient façade. Infidels fuck for America; true believers fuck for Jesus.

Also, it's cute how someone who claims to believe in a supreme omnipotent, omniscient, omnicreative being somehow thinks that he's somehow too complicated for that being to understand. Yes, Newt, your sex-drive is probably the most complicated thing about you.

PublicLuxury March 9, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Did he use 'force' when fucking America? Did he drug America with extasasy? Did he fuck his homestate? Isn't that incest, Georgia?

SenileAgitation March 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

"…things happened in my life that were not appropriate". Hooray. Another example of the Republican invented passive voice excuse, from the days of Reagan ("mistakes were made") on. Newt, those things didn't "happen in your life". You did them. And proved yourself unfit to lead in the doing. Please go back to the lobster pound.

JustPixelz March 9, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Ya gotta love a religion that lets you fuck up (literally) like Newt and then says "all is forgiven" by a few Hail Marys. I'd find that theology more compelling if I saw the same forgiveness from its adherents.

Gopherit March 9, 2011 at 4:12 pm

He liked it so much, he sought god's forgiveness over and over again. The fucking and blowjobs were just incidental. You can't ask for forgiveness without blowing a few loads, eh Newt?

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:05 pm

If Jesus died for our sins, do we dare make his sacrifice meaningless by failing to commit them?

MissTaken March 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm

It makes me sad/frustrated/disgusted/angry to realize that this bloated lizard's arse gets loads more sexy time than me.

I guess I'm just not patriotic enough.

mereoblivion March 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm

129 comments and nothing about how Newt looks like he just got lei'd?! This really is becoming a classy joint.

cheaphits March 9, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Newt looks old, slack-jowled and tired in that pic though, doesn't he?

randcoolcatdaddy March 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

"I do believe in a forgiving God."

If Zeus has any sense of humor, Newt will be irrevocably impotent within six months.

Karma_Suture March 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm

oh oh ow ow ow….
THAT HURT!

Slim_Pickins March 9, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Over work usually leads to "Not tonight, dear, I'm too tired." Newt IS truly exceptional.

Trannysurprise March 9, 2011 at 4:26 pm

From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to "Newt's Corner." Your either in my corner or your with the trolls.

mavenmaven March 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm

"as we get older, we seek mercy sex from ever younger women"

MistaEko March 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm

"Somebody once said that when we’re young, we seek justice
pussy, but as we get older, we seek mercy DIFFERENT pussy. "

that's better.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2011 at 6:28 pm

My best lady friend once said to me with disdain that guys who say they "love all women" really mean they love all kinds of pussy. I sang in reply, "old pussy, young pussy, pussy that climbs on rocks…" and she joined in with, "fat pussy, skinny pussy, even pussy with chicken pox!" We used to love cracking each other up, which was her substitute for letting me hit it.

user-of-owls March 9, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Newt, having fucked America, is obviously in violation of the well-established legal principle of Supreme Court Justice Nancy Reagan which stipulates, "Just Say No Means No."

prommie March 9, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Beck is such an Adonis that there is no possibility his thought processes have been affected by people taunting him for being ugly.

carlgt1 March 9, 2011 at 5:07 pm

ugh are we also going to have some fat right-wing ho come out and talk about Newt's "national treasure"?

Gleem_McShineys March 9, 2011 at 7:54 pm

"uncooked bacon … burlap-covered tofu brick"

m_supercomputer March 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

I like how he includes the line about things 'changing' for people when they get older, like he was just a young naif when the affairs happened. Newsflash, Newty: you were 50 goddamned years old when you cheated on your second wife while prosecuting another man for his affair. If you had a lack of maturity at the time, it's not because you were just too young to know better, it's because you, personally, are just terrible.

LionelHutzEsq March 9, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Drill. baby, drill.

franco_pinyon March 9, 2011 at 5:12 pm

If Newt, God forbid, ever got to be preznit he might have to work even harder. No telling how many extra women he would have to boink to keep up with the job.

He might even need a voluptuous Ukranian nurse, or two.

JackObin March 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Well, what woman could resist fucking that fat, nauseating pile of bile? Maybe some chicks just dig multiple chins and small penises.

hagajim March 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm

So why didn't Newt just grab a map and start to fap….fap faP fAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAPFAP FAP FAP FAP…..ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Thanks Uncle Sam….

karen March 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I think you're giving ol' Newt a little too much credit. It would be more along the lines of …FAP FAP FAP awww already?

assistantatlas March 9, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Fucking New Testament forgiving God….where's the smite-y, Old Testament God when you really need him? Seriously, God, it's Newt Gingrich. I think we both know he deserves more than a little smiting.

Eve8Apples March 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I just told my boss I was going to piss away the rest of the week by reading Wonkette. I am afraid that if I work too hard at this job I love so much, I'm gonna get real hot and horny and screw the support staff and the cleaning crew. Then I'll have to convert to Catholicism because they embrace and forgive sick fuckers like me.

JustPixelz March 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Way ahead of you on that wonkette vs work continuum

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Good God, don't tell him about Alexis Texas!

comrad_darkness March 9, 2011 at 6:02 pm

He focus group tested this excuse, didn't he?

comrad_darkness March 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

" I do believe in a forgiving God. "

Christianity, giving evil losers an pansy-assed out for 2000 years.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Vomitorium.

zhubajie March 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm

She's sobered up, realized what's happened.

JustPixelz March 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

She is basking the glow of Newt's sincerity.

cheaphits March 9, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Or he will continue to fuck everything he can get drunk enough.

DahBoner March 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Well at least he wasn't wearing a diaper or giving bj's in airports like his GOP peers…

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I thought it was cum dumpster

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 2:03 am

The only way Newt will stop cheating on his wife (and mistresses) is, of course, when America gets non-sexy lady-cancer.

berkeleyfarm March 10, 2011 at 2:13 am

Lent Confession: Newt, you are so doing it wrong.

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 2:35 am

Come, you guys. You're not being fair. Newt was adulterating for freedom (Fucking for Freedom)! I say unto you, have you never lusted after someone after viewing a particularly curvacious map of America?

bflrtsplk March 10, 2011 at 3:38 am

Hey baby…. What's a country like you doin' in a place like this? Ya come here often? What's your sign? Haven't I seen you some place before?

Anthr_DCLwyr3d March 10, 2011 at 9:47 am

I love America so much…oh god…yes…just like that…oh. my. god…oh read me the bill of rights again…slowly…oh..oh…oh god oh GOD yes yes YES!!

Was it good for you America?

BTWBFDIMHO March 10, 2011 at 9:56 am

Really? Then I'd rather vote for Tiger Woods.

zhubajie March 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm

In that photo, Newt looks like he's borrowed the dress from the dowager in A Night At the Opera.

brucemajors March 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

Newt Gingrich explains why gay men are so promiscuous: denied their ability to express their patriotic passion by joining the military, they must instead resort to sex.

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Elephant Butte

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm

He would be the Grand Cheats-on (his wives).

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