RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  2:06 pm March 9, 2011

More Blood For Oil, Please

by Benjamin Frisch

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 125 comments }

hagajim March 9, 2011 at 2:09 pm

It looks like an orgy of blurbs of stupidity!

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 2:33 pm

What Fresh Hell is this?

aguacatero March 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Also, David Broder died. About which I feel sad (really). Moderately sad.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I see what you did there.

Barbara_i March 9, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Phone sex orgy? Time to get some new batteries for my Huckabee.

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2011 at 2:12 pm

There are many ways to serve your country when duty calls. To some, enlisting in the Service to defend the Constitution is the way to do it. To others, writing songs about banging 15 year old groupies is the way to do it. Thank you for your Service Mr. Nugent.

Terry March 9, 2011 at 2:24 pm

He got a disability deferment due to having contracted cat scratch fever.

Redhead March 9, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Well, his general attitude seems to be, "I can so why not?"

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:57 pm

And to many, when duty calls the response is to kill Nazis on the PS3.

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

If I'm going to get my political opinions from a rock-&-roller it ain't going to be Sweaty Teddy it's going to be Lemmy!!!

LEMMY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Snoopy Snoopy Poop Doggy!

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I get my religious dogma from him….Ooops, I just punned.

johnnymeatworth March 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm

"My fellow Americans, I stand before you today a Damage Case."

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Nigel Tufnel, because there's a very fine line between clever and stupid.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Damn Yankees!

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

What, no quote from Newt about how he cheated because he just loves our country so much?

freakishlywrong March 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Well, he did fuck the country when he was speaker…just sayin'

mrblifil March 9, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Yeah, but that was a hate fuck. Don't think it counts.

Tundra Grifter March 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

When Col. Ollie North testified before Congress, was he on active duty with the Marines? Was he supposed to be wearing a uniform? That he loaded up with every medal he could find.

OneDollarJuana March 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

IIRC, no and no. But what's a little law-breaking to a traitor?

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I don't get it.
One minute you have some drooler screaming at Obama because he's doing nothing to help all those poor innocent people that are being killed by Qaddafhi, the next minute this drooler is screaming about killing all the Muslims because they want to take over the world.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 2:17 pm

"Balsamico Vinegar"

bflrtsplk March 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Un-Levin-ed radio.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 2:42 pm

It's Ash Wednesday, not Passover.

nounverb911 March 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Which Seder was the last supper?

mereoblivion March 9, 2011 at 2:49 pm

"The Lotza Matzoh Show," where crackers are always welcome. It's the yeast he can do for his country.

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 2:18 pm

You're right. We need to get him some sort of literacy HAZMAT suit.

bureaucrap March 9, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Mr. Frisch, I don't know how you do it, having the assignment of surfing the internet each day for the craziest of the crazy (how to judge among such an embarrassment of riches) and still maintaining sanity yourself. My toupee off to you.

As it happens, WaPo is looking for a new columnist as of an hour ago. If you ever start to get sick of this, you can apply.

Kidneys4Sale March 9, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Well, WaPo is qualified as a useless fucking smut-rag these days (all due respect to Gawker, Vanity Fair etc etc…fo realz, y'all) so the move would not be out of step with past developments among the Wonkette staff.

MistaEko March 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Much to Levin's chagrin, he will find that he is only talking to a Buffalo Beast editor with with a "multiply voice" filter on his skype.

KochFembot March 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Yeah, the Teacher's Union is protesting in Tennessee's state capitol and I heard a sound byte from a teabagger that said some nonsense about how public employee Unions are stealing money from the taxpayers because the taxpayers pay their salaries and some of their salaries pay the Union dues, so therefore that's taxpayer money somehow? These asswipes have themselves completely twisted in knots trying to justify their fake outrage. They are either paid directly from their corporate masters or they are a tool thereof (but they would never admit it). I'm sure the Koch brothers will have this sentiment spread throughout every state capitol (via their evil little ALEC project) so fast it will make our heads spin.

Sorry, next time I will try to bring the funny.

Terry March 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

The real conspiracy is that some of those unionized public employees use their salaries (from the taxpayers!) to buy vegetables, clearly in support of Michelle Obama's subversive agenda.

undeterredbyreality March 9, 2011 at 3:19 pm

They are either paid directly from their corporate masters or they are a tool thereof (but they would never admit it).

It isn't that they won't admit it–they're too fucking stupid to even realize what tools they are.

Allmighty_Manos March 9, 2011 at 2:24 pm

If Mark Levin calls you next week, don't blame me ok.

Chillwaver March 9, 2011 at 2:24 pm

"Hey Ted, how many ee-lee-guls have you killed lately? What? None? Pussy!!!"

chickensmack March 9, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Just remember that the circle jerk won't begin for Republicans until quarterly profits for Exxon and Chevron are announced.

Until then, they shout from the ramparts, the parapets and battlements with all their might, "Buck Ofama."

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Both the Nuge and The Mute Marine? Ben, you've really doubled down on the crazy today.

karen March 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

A man who uses balsamic glaze on his Huckabee instead of KY?

nounverb911 March 9, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Needs more santorum.

WhatTheHeck March 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

To win the war on terrorism, we have to drill over there before we are forced to drill over here. Or translated from the original Arabic, it means record profits for the oil companies today and in the foreseeable future.

gef05 March 9, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Oliver North
Ted Nugent

I've just seen all I need to see about the state of the Right in America.

harry_palmer March 9, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Ted Nugent's mistake was thinking that learning those 3 chords makes him a genius.

OC_Surf_Serf March 9, 2011 at 2:29 pm

As a Detroit native, fuck you Ted.

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 2:58 pm

That's a big 10-4 up fist from a guy who's bought drugs in Detroit.

OC_Surf_Serf March 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Thanks.

BTW, You can buy a great upfist in the Cass Corridor.

Your Welcome.

Negropolis March 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

The Cass Corridor isn't quite is weird as it used to be, but it's still weird enough. It's one of the last places in the city where you can rent an apartment by the day, week, and month, though, the Yuppies are starting to encroach.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Nugent's article in infuriating. First he says we need to kill border crossers because of fear the horrific drug violence in Mexico could spill over here; um, he just pointed out why there are so many people trying to escape from Mexico to the US, and this shit would have us just straight up murder them. Then, he uses the analogy of armed intruders breaking into your house to kill your family, which is exactly what happened to a Mexican-American (citizens, by the way) family murdered by racists stirred up by bigots like him.

So fuck off with the sort of rhetoric that was directly responsible for the murder of a nine year old girl, you vile flaming piece of shit.

freakishlywrong March 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

What percentage of real 'Muricans know who Shawna Forde is, ya think?

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:18 pm

The scarier question is, how many of them do and think she's a hero?

weejee March 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Intern Benjamin, are you following OSHA guidelines for trolling teatard sites?

fuflans March 9, 2011 at 3:55 pm

benjamin won't be safe for much longer:

Congressional Republicans are promising to scrub the government for what they say are "job killing" regulations. One of their primary targets is the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, or OSHA.

Republicans say OSHA enacts expensive rules without regard to their effect on business. They've proposed cutting its budget this year by 20 percent, a reduction the director says would be devastating to the agency's efforts to protect worker safety.

this is of course a quote from bagger slandering NPR.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

How dare that socialistic OSHA prevent business from maiming and killing their workers in ways that slightly hurt profits! Fuck, they really are trying to turn this country back to 1890.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Oh, for the love of…

The corporate dickweeds have been whining about some variation of, "But we can't stay in business if we don't beat our slaves!", like forever. You'd think they'd at least get some new material:
http://www.leftycartoons.com/a-brief-history-of-c

genxr March 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Needz moar blood fur cheezburger

KenLayIsAlive March 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Ted always shows up to the intellectual gunfight with a rubber dildo.

genxr March 9, 2011 at 2:39 pm

As a guitar player, too. Why can't he grow old with dignity, like Alice Cooper?

andrewdrinker March 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

This is true. Both are conservative Christians. Ted spouts vitriol on a regular basis, Alice just talks about the good ol' days on Fresh Air with Terry Gross.

LionelHutzEsq March 9, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Clearly all of the above is NPR's fault.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Obama's responsible for ruining our country's attempt to reach oil independence? And I always thought that was the oil companies and the auto manufacturers. Thanks, Personal Liberty Digest, for opening my eyes to the truthiness.

I see PLD also has a section on alternative medicine. They don't need no science-based shit medicine or single payer health care, nosiree Bob!

freakishlywrong March 9, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Gawd will provide.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:42 pm

See if you can spot the cognitive dissonance in these two paragraphs from the article on that anti-personal liberty site:

"The Middle East, with two-thirds of the world’s oil reserves, is in revolt. Some have blamed President Barack Obama for inciting chaos in Egypt; once an American pillar in the region.

Others have criticized the President for not clamping down on Moammar Gadhafi, the supreme leader of Libya for 42 years, who has created chaos and killed Americans."

They're not even trying to pretend that they just reflexively oppose whatever Obama does, are they?

As for the rest of the article, it's just "Obama's also destroying America by not devastating its environment, PS by stock in my company, it's gonna be worth a lot soon"

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Some blame Obama for what happened. Others criticize Obama for what didn't happen. We report, you decide.

No, that's pretty much how they've always reported the news.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

"Some have blamed President Barack Obama for inciting chaos in Egypt"

Well, I'm sure *some* blame President Obama when their pickup trucks won't start, but not to get *too* far off topic… I tried to picture how he could possibly "incite chaos in Egypt", and all I could come up with was the President standing on top of the Sphinx, yelling in a guido accent: "YO, EGYPT!! YOU SUCK!!", and that made me smile.

Gopherit March 9, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I really miss the days when Ted aimed his intellect appropriately by making commercials for Energizer Batteries……even then, his hatred of the brown came through loud and clear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_78Csv5iOoE

Gopherit March 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I think all of Wonkette should call in to help Americans for Prosperity celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day: http://www.steakandbjday.com/ Sodomy for you and me!

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Thank you for informing me of that Gopher….That's cooler than International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Chillwaver March 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Isn't "Bill Balsamico" what you get from the fermentation of Santorum?

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I am not SURPRISED to go to this "BILL BALSAMICO" guy's WEBSITE and see that he is a FAT GUY with a thick "MUSTACHE", standing in front of what looks like HIS BAR, which has a big RACIST SIGN up that doesn't make too much "SENSE". I am PLEASANTLY "SURPRISED" to see most of the COMMENTS are correcting his BLATANT UNTRUTHS that he probably picked up from "TALK RADIO".

andrewdrinker March 9, 2011 at 3:15 pm

And, seriously, I bet he really is YELLING each CAPITALIZED WORD.

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I also WONDER what the difference "IS" between the CAPITALIZED and "CAPITALIZED IN QUOTES" emphases, along with the RED versions of BOTH that I "CANNOT" replicate here on WONKETTE.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:25 pm

The "QUOTATION MARKS" are for greater "EMPHASIS" because he's "STUPID".

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Ted Nugent…Chuck Norris…Victoria Jackson? These are your reps right wing? Really?

BklynIlluminati March 9, 2011 at 3:06 pm

The league of stupidity to the rescue!

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I smell a movie! The League of Extraordinary Morans

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Where's Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Hey you forgot some of their biggest name starts, like Stephen Baldwin, Kirk Cameron, Gopher from The Love Boat mentioned earlier, V.I.C.K.I.E. the girl robot, and that dude who played Faceman on the A-Team.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Pat Sajak!

Lost_Teabaggers March 9, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Haha you mean a child who grew up playing (badly) an emotionless robot on teevee is a wingnut? Well slap my ass and the call Suzy that's imcrebidle!

SorosBot March 9, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Not just a wingnut but a fundie preacher like Cameron, I've heard.

Lost_Teabaggers March 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Attack of the loser 80's stars? Except Stephen Baldwin is a loser in any decade…

Lost_Teabaggers March 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Hey…I heard somewhere that Mickie Rourke and Chris Walken are both wingnuts? Could someone point me to some further proof? I don't give a shit about Rourke…but I still enjoy Walken's schtick from time to time so I'd rather have it not be true.

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Needs more TEABAG!

DashboardBuddha March 9, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Referring to Bill Balsacko's sign.

Jesus Rascalling Christ. First Americans were too bloated and lazy to actually walk…now they're too "disabled" to dial one?

MinAgain March 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Americans for Prosperity and radio host Mark Levin are having a phone-sex orgy on March 14, perhaps you would like to join in? [FAP]

Fixed that for ya.

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 2:58 pm

You know, Ted, I'd be bitter and hateful too if the Blacks in my school had taken my lunch money and the girls had laughed at my tiny penis; but then nobody took my lunch money and I don't have a tiny penis, so fuck you, sicko.

widestanceroman March 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Optimist: he'll die in his own vomit eventually.
Pessimist: how much longer do we have to wait?

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Realist: He'll die peacefully in his sleep at 97.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

David St. Hubbins: They think it was someone else's vomit.
Derek Smalls: You can't really dust for vomit.

Lost_Teabaggers March 9, 2011 at 4:40 pm

You're forgetting the most hilarious Nuge episode of all…how he dodged Vietnam service. It seems our intrepid racist, gun totin' toughguy here smeared his own feces and literally peed his pants before going before the draft board so he could get an exception for being nutters. A hilarious all too true story of Mr. Nugent…especially the smearing of his own feces upon his person.

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

He really needs to be formally Crowned as Queen of the Fucking Douchebags.

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

If for no other reason than how much it would infuriate Silly Sarah.

ttommyunger March 9, 2011 at 7:35 pm

I really feel he would beat her out in real douchebaggery.

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Hmmm…I wonder if she mentioned that Wyoming has recently had worse smog levels than LA or that they've halted fracking in North Louisiana due to the earthquakes there.

OneDollarJuana March 9, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Lou Sarah clearly can't do the maths. Based on our current consumption of oil and our latest estimates of Alaskan reserves we have about a month and a half's worth in AK.

nounverb911 March 9, 2011 at 3:00 pm

"NUGENT: Outgunned is a choice"
Teddy, how many of the guns the Messicans were using were legally purchased in Arizona?

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 3:01 pm

"Nuge/North 2012"

baconzgood March 9, 2011 at 3:02 pm

You know who else is having a phone-sex orgy with Mark Levin…

genxr March 9, 2011 at 3:03 pm

She's right. Alaska is alone in having billions of barrels left. The rest of the nation is tapped dry.

So with those few billions left, and we consume how much each day? I'm sure she did the math and concluded we will *never* run out of oil. Never.

OneDollarJuana March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

The latest estimate is less than one billion (from last October, by the USGS).

tessiee March 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

The women in that family seem to be notoriously bad at math, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Redhead March 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Is anyone else seeing a "Commit to Use Birth Control: 'I like sex but I'm NOT ready for a baby!'" petition on the side of this page?

Wrong target audience! Wonketteers for the most part are the ones who SHOULD be reproducing, not the mouth-breathing, scooter-riding, gravy-chugging, anus-burger-eating, racist-e-mail-forwarding fundie-retard tea baggers who reproduce at a disproportionately high rate!

Not to mention Wonketteers are MUCH more likely to actually understand how sex and birth control work, and already be using birth control where appropriate.

MinAgain March 9, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Collective bargaining is small potatoes, dude. You want to see real thievery? Check out the amount of money the federal government is paying out in corporate farm subsidies. That's 8th Commandment kind of stealing.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Corporate farms keep plenty of illegal aliens gainfully employed and spreading that wonderful e-coli.

BklynIlluminati March 9, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Nugent thinks if he talks loud and fast like his bad guitar playing everything will be alright. Doesn't anyone at WaPo edit this shit and say hey Ted this is a bunch of strawman bullshit you need a better cognitive argument?

poncho_pilot March 10, 2011 at 3:57 am

the Nuge, like some other dinosaurs, is thought to have a second "brain" in his tail. it's possible that one of the times he was jumping over a pit of fire on stage he acquired brain damage. sadly, no one noticed a difference.

GeneralLerong March 9, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Meanwhile, up here in Arkansas North, our nebbishy gov is trying to _reduce_ taxes on the oil companies. Y'know, so they will maybe, maybe, toss some more jawbs our way.
The oil companies remain cryptic and noncommital, apart from running expensive ads that say "Taxes bad! Oil companies good!"

So I come here to Wonkette to cry in my beer. I think I'll go and click on all the ad links to help y'all keep the bar open.

Extemporanus March 9, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Though on the other hand, Nugent probably wouldn't have gone off the rails quite so often were it not for Blades.

RedneckMuslin March 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Bill Balsamico had his 15 minutes of fame and he used it like this?

undeterredbyreality March 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Nugent v. Enemaman: Detroit battle of the stars! Who would win?

SenileAgitation March 9, 2011 at 3:35 pm

He should run for President with Sammy Hagar as running mate.

johnnymeatworth March 9, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Yes, a platform of relaxed speed limits and stricter immigration laws. Perhaps Sebastian Bach could be named Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare for his landmark "Cherry Pie" school lunch initiative.

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I believe it was Warrant who gave us the estimable "Cherry Pie". Lead singer – Jamie Lane? I forget…

johnnymeatworth March 9, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Jani Lane. You may remember him as the Chairman of the Fed when he piloted the "Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich" economic stimulus package….

emmelemm March 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Jami, Jani… girls names anyway!

(Thank you, btw.)

DahBoner March 9, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I only wish Ted Nuggent would take a STAND against raping underage Asian exchange students….

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2011 at 3:52 pm

That sorta looks like it could be a Pink Floyd tune. (I've been listening to "Animals" a lot lately)

chascates March 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

The trifecta would be eating a steak, getting a blow job, and saying 'Ar, ARR!"

FlownOver March 9, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Here we have definitive proof – cat scratch fever is nothing more than Early Onset Alzheimer's.

Lost_Teabaggers March 9, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Yes….isn't it fucking lovely that public employees always fall under intense SCRUTINY with debt while the GOP just voted down cutting 33 billion in SUBSIDIES to trillion dollar profits over the past decade BIG OIL? Isn't it great that GOPer pols always vote themselves PAY INCREASES while cutting SALARIES for everyone else? Sort of like how corporate CEO's somehow find a way to accord themselves giant BONUSES (whether the company makes money or loses money, also) after cutting JOBS? MAYBE BF Bill (mullestache) Balsamico should look into THAT FACT instead.

poncho_pilot March 10, 2011 at 4:00 am

never trust a man named after a vinegar.

poncho_pilot March 9, 2011 at 5:20 pm

"3. Remember in the movie 'Hoffa', the movie ended when Hoffa was waiting in the parking lot of a restaurant and he disappeared at the hands of 'HIS TEAMSTER BROTHERS'? that was awesome."

he's Chris Farley? movies=IRL.

Steverino247 March 9, 2011 at 5:46 pm

For more on Ollie North, may I refer you to COL David Hackworth's take on him:
http://www.airborne-ranger.com/ranger/wannabees/O

Well worth distributing widely.

On a different note, I was very sorry to hear of Hackworth's demise. He had some kind words for me when my son was wounded and they helped boost our morale during a very dark time.

OK, now back to the snark, bitches!

jus_wonderin March 9, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Of course all of these issue are intricate. I for one am glad to have a president that doesn't jump in guns blazing, balls to the Mission Accomplished sign.

Swampgas_Man March 9, 2011 at 7:48 pm

It always amazes me that Wonkette expects me visit sites like Malkin and Wash. Times, as if I'm a hooer for any psycho's opinion.

Swampgas_Man March 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm

He's responsible for the most important salad dressing for REAL Americans.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: