rumors on the internets

More Blood For Oil, Please

  • Ted Nugent: What’s the point of treating illegals humanely when you can stone-cold murder them? [Washington Times]
  • Americans for Prosperity and radio host Mark Levin are having a phone-sex orgy on March 14, perhaps you would like to join in? [AFP]
  • “COLLECTIVE BARGAINING” is thievery from the “TAXPAYERS” to the “UNIONS.” Hurry, take a “STAND!” [Bill Balsamico]
  • Oliver North proves you can only defeat terrorism by illegally selling them guns. [Patriot Action Network]
  • Obama is sabotaging America by refusing to go in and kill a bunch of Mooslims for oil, blah, blah, blah. [Personal Liberty Digest]

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

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Hola wonkerados.

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125 comments

  1. DerrickWildcat

    There are many ways to serve your country when duty calls. To some, enlisting in the Service to defend the Constitution is the way to do it. To others, writing songs about banging 15 year old groupies is the way to do it. Thank you for your Service Mr. Nugent.

  2. baconzgood

    If I'm going to get my political opinions from a rock-&-roller it ain't going to be Sweaty Teddy it's going to be Lemmy!!!

    LEMMY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. BornInATrailer

    What, no quote from Newt about how he cheated because he just loves our country so much?

  4. Tundra Grifter

    When Col. Ollie North testified before Congress, was he on active duty with the Marines? Was he supposed to be wearing a uniform? That he loaded up with every medal he could find.

  5. DerrickWildcat

    I don't get it.
    One minute you have some drooler screaming at Obama because he's doing nothing to help all those poor innocent people that are being killed by Qaddafhi, the next minute this drooler is screaming about killing all the Muslims because they want to take over the world.

      1. mereoblivion

        "The Lotza Matzoh Show," where crackers are always welcome. It's the yeast he can do for his country.

  6. bureaucrap

    Mr. Frisch, I don't know how you do it, having the assignment of surfing the internet each day for the craziest of the crazy (how to judge among such an embarrassment of riches) and still maintaining sanity yourself. My toupee off to you.

    As it happens, WaPo is looking for a new columnist as of an hour ago. If you ever start to get sick of this, you can apply.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      Well, WaPo is qualified as a useless fucking smut-rag these days (all due respect to Gawker, Vanity Fair etc etc…fo realz, y'all) so the move would not be out of step with past developments among the Wonkette staff.

  7. MistaEko

    Much to Levin's chagrin, he will find that he is only talking to a Buffalo Beast editor with with a "multiply voice" filter on his skype.

  8. KochFembot

    Yeah, the Teacher's Union is protesting in Tennessee's state capitol and I heard a sound byte from a teabagger that said some nonsense about how public employee Unions are stealing money from the taxpayers because the taxpayers pay their salaries and some of their salaries pay the Union dues, so therefore that's taxpayer money somehow? These asswipes have themselves completely twisted in knots trying to justify their fake outrage. They are either paid directly from their corporate masters or they are a tool thereof (but they would never admit it). I'm sure the Koch brothers will have this sentiment spread throughout every state capitol (via their evil little ALEC project) so fast it will make our heads spin.

    Sorry, next time I will try to bring the funny.

    1. Terry

      The real conspiracy is that some of those unionized public employees use their salaries (from the taxpayers!) to buy vegetables, clearly in support of Michelle Obama's subversive agenda.

    2. undeterredbyreality

      They are either paid directly from their corporate masters or they are a tool thereof (but they would never admit it).

      It isn't that they won't admit it–they're too fucking stupid to even realize what tools they are.

  9. chickensmack

    Just remember that the circle jerk won't begin for Republicans until quarterly profits for Exxon and Chevron are announced.

    Until then, they shout from the ramparts, the parapets and battlements with all their might, "Buck Ofama."

  10. SorosBot

    Both the Nuge and The Mute Marine? Ben, you've really doubled down on the crazy today.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    To win the war on terrorism, we have to drill over there before we are forced to drill over here. Or translated from the original Arabic, it means record profits for the oil companies today and in the foreseeable future.

  12. gef05

    Oliver North
    Ted Nugent

    I've just seen all I need to see about the state of the Right in America.

  13. harry_palmer

    Ted Nugent's mistake was thinking that learning those 3 chords makes him a genius.

        1. Negropolis

          The Cass Corridor isn't quite is weird as it used to be, but it's still weird enough. It's one of the last places in the city where you can rent an apartment by the day, week, and month, though, the Yuppies are starting to encroach.

  14. SorosBot

    Nugent's article in infuriating. First he says we need to kill border crossers because of fear the horrific drug violence in Mexico could spill over here; um, he just pointed out why there are so many people trying to escape from Mexico to the US, and this shit would have us just straight up murder them. Then, he uses the analogy of armed intruders breaking into your house to kill your family, which is exactly what happened to a Mexican-American (citizens, by the way) family murdered by racists stirred up by bigots like him.

    So fuck off with the sort of rhetoric that was directly responsible for the murder of a nine year old girl, you vile flaming piece of shit.

    1. fuflans

      benjamin won't be safe for much longer:

      Congressional Republicans are promising to scrub the government for what they say are "job killing" regulations. One of their primary targets is the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, or OSHA.

      Republicans say OSHA enacts expensive rules without regard to their effect on business. They've proposed cutting its budget this year by 20 percent, a reduction the director says would be devastating to the agency's efforts to protect worker safety.

      this is of course a quote from bagger slandering NPR.

      1. SorosBot

        How dare that socialistic OSHA prevent business from maiming and killing their workers in ways that slightly hurt profits! Fuck, they really are trying to turn this country back to 1890.

    1. andrewdrinker

      This is true. Both are conservative Christians. Ted spouts vitriol on a regular basis, Alice just talks about the good ol' days on Fresh Air with Terry Gross.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    Obama's responsible for ruining our country's attempt to reach oil independence? And I always thought that was the oil companies and the auto manufacturers. Thanks, Personal Liberty Digest, for opening my eyes to the truthiness.

    I see PLD also has a section on alternative medicine. They don't need no science-based shit medicine or single payer health care, nosiree Bob!

  16. SorosBot

    See if you can spot the cognitive dissonance in these two paragraphs from the article on that anti-personal liberty site:

    "The Middle East, with two-thirds of the world’s oil reserves, is in revolt. Some have blamed President Barack Obama for inciting chaos in Egypt; once an American pillar in the region.

    Others have criticized the President for not clamping down on Moammar Gadhafi, the supreme leader of Libya for 42 years, who has created chaos and killed Americans."

    They're not even trying to pretend that they just reflexively oppose whatever Obama does, are they?

    As for the rest of the article, it's just "Obama's also destroying America by not devastating its environment, PS by stock in my company, it's gonna be worth a lot soon"

    1. genxr

      Some blame Obama for what happened. Others criticize Obama for what didn't happen. We report, you decide.

      No, that's pretty much how they've always reported the news.

    2. tessiee

      "Some have blamed President Barack Obama for inciting chaos in Egypt"

      Well, I'm sure *some* blame President Obama when their pickup trucks won't start, but not to get *too* far off topic… I tried to picture how he could possibly "incite chaos in Egypt", and all I could come up with was the President standing on top of the Sphinx, yelling in a guido accent: "YO, EGYPT!! YOU SUCK!!", and that made me smile.

    1. baconzgood

      Thank you for informing me of that Gopher….That's cooler than International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

  17. SorosBot

    I am not SURPRISED to go to this "BILL BALSAMICO" guy's WEBSITE and see that he is a FAT GUY with a thick "MUSTACHE", standing in front of what looks like HIS BAR, which has a big RACIST SIGN up that doesn't make too much "SENSE". I am PLEASANTLY "SURPRISED" to see most of the COMMENTS are correcting his BLATANT UNTRUTHS that he probably picked up from "TALK RADIO".

      1. SorosBot

        I also WONDER what the difference "IS" between the CAPITALIZED and "CAPITALIZED IN QUOTES" emphases, along with the RED versions of BOTH that I "CANNOT" replicate here on WONKETTE.

  18. DashboardBuddha

    Ted Nugent…Chuck Norris…Victoria Jackson? These are your reps right wing? Really?

    1. SorosBot

      Hey you forgot some of their biggest name starts, like Stephen Baldwin, Kirk Cameron, Gopher from The Love Boat mentioned earlier, V.I.C.K.I.E. the girl robot, and that dude who played Faceman on the A-Team.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Haha you mean a child who grew up playing (badly) an emotionless robot on teevee is a wingnut? Well slap my ass and the call Suzy that's imcrebidle!

      2. Lost_Teabaggers

        Attack of the loser 80's stars? Except Stephen Baldwin is a loser in any decade…

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Hey…I heard somewhere that Mickie Rourke and Chris Walken are both wingnuts? Could someone point me to some further proof? I don't give a shit about Rourke…but I still enjoy Walken's schtick from time to time so I'd rather have it not be true.

  19. DashboardBuddha

    Referring to Bill Balsacko's sign.

    Jesus Rascalling Christ. First Americans were too bloated and lazy to actually walk…now they're too "disabled" to dial one?

  20. MinAgain

    Americans for Prosperity and radio host Mark Levin are having a phone-sex orgy on March 14, perhaps you would like to join in? [FAP]

    Fixed that for ya.

  21. ttommyunger

    You know, Ted, I'd be bitter and hateful too if the Blacks in my school had taken my lunch money and the girls had laughed at my tiny penis; but then nobody took my lunch money and I don't have a tiny penis, so fuck you, sicko.

    1. widestanceroman

      Optimist: he'll die in his own vomit eventually.
      Pessimist: how much longer do we have to wait?

      1. tessiee

        David St. Hubbins: They think it was someone else's vomit.
        Derek Smalls: You can't really dust for vomit.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      You're forgetting the most hilarious Nuge episode of all…how he dodged Vietnam service. It seems our intrepid racist, gun totin' toughguy here smeared his own feces and literally peed his pants before going before the draft board so he could get an exception for being nutters. A hilarious all too true story of Mr. Nugent…especially the smearing of his own feces upon his person.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Lou Sarah clearly can't do the maths. Based on our current consumption of oil and our latest estimates of Alaskan reserves we have about a month and a half's worth in AK.

  22. nounverb911

    "NUGENT: Outgunned is a choice"
    Teddy, how many of the guns the Messicans were using were legally purchased in Arizona?

  23. genxr

    She's right. Alaska is alone in having billions of barrels left. The rest of the nation is tapped dry.

    So with those few billions left, and we consume how much each day? I'm sure she did the math and concluded we will *never* run out of oil. Never.

    1. tessiee

      The women in that family seem to be notoriously bad at math, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  24. Redhead

    Is anyone else seeing a "Commit to Use Birth Control: 'I like sex but I'm NOT ready for a baby!'" petition on the side of this page?

    Wrong target audience! Wonketteers for the most part are the ones who SHOULD be reproducing, not the mouth-breathing, scooter-riding, gravy-chugging, anus-burger-eating, racist-e-mail-forwarding fundie-retard tea baggers who reproduce at a disproportionately high rate!

    Not to mention Wonketteers are MUCH more likely to actually understand how sex and birth control work, and already be using birth control where appropriate.

  25. MinAgain

    Collective bargaining is small potatoes, dude. You want to see real thievery? Check out the amount of money the federal government is paying out in corporate farm subsidies. That's 8th Commandment kind of stealing.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Corporate farms keep plenty of illegal aliens gainfully employed and spreading that wonderful e-coli.

  26. BklynIlluminati

    Nugent thinks if he talks loud and fast like his bad guitar playing everything will be alright. Doesn't anyone at WaPo edit this shit and say hey Ted this is a bunch of strawman bullshit you need a better cognitive argument?

    1. poncho_pilot

      the Nuge, like some other dinosaurs, is thought to have a second "brain" in his tail. it's possible that one of the times he was jumping over a pit of fire on stage he acquired brain damage. sadly, no one noticed a difference.

  27. GeneralLerong

    Meanwhile, up here in Arkansas North, our nebbishy gov is trying to _reduce_ taxes on the oil companies. Y'know, so they will maybe, maybe, toss some more jawbs our way.
    The oil companies remain cryptic and noncommital, apart from running expensive ads that say "Taxes bad! Oil companies good!"

    So I come here to Wonkette to cry in my beer. I think I'll go and click on all the ad links to help y'all keep the bar open.

  28. Extemporanus

    Though on the other hand, Nugent probably wouldn't have gone off the rails quite so often were it not for Blades.

    1. johnnymeatworth

      Yes, a platform of relaxed speed limits and stricter immigration laws. Perhaps Sebastian Bach could be named Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare for his landmark "Cherry Pie" school lunch initiative.

      1. emmelemm

        I believe it was Warrant who gave us the estimable "Cherry Pie". Lead singer – Jamie Lane? I forget…

        1. johnnymeatworth

          Jani Lane. You may remember him as the Chairman of the Fed when he piloted the "Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich" economic stimulus package….

  29. DahBoner

    I only wish Ted Nuggent would take a STAND against raping underage Asian exchange students….

  30. Oblios_Cap

    That sorta looks like it could be a Pink Floyd tune. (I've been listening to "Animals" a lot lately)

  31. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes….isn't it fucking lovely that public employees always fall under intense SCRUTINY with debt while the GOP just voted down cutting 33 billion in SUBSIDIES to trillion dollar profits over the past decade BIG OIL? Isn't it great that GOPer pols always vote themselves PAY INCREASES while cutting SALARIES for everyone else? Sort of like how corporate CEO's somehow find a way to accord themselves giant BONUSES (whether the company makes money or loses money, also) after cutting JOBS? MAYBE BF Bill (mullestache) Balsamico should look into THAT FACT instead.

  32. poncho_pilot

    "3. Remember in the movie 'Hoffa', the movie ended when Hoffa was waiting in the parking lot of a restaurant and he disappeared at the hands of 'HIS TEAMSTER BROTHERS'? that was awesome."

    he's Chris Farley? movies=IRL.

  33. Steverino247

    For more on Ollie North, may I refer you to COL David Hackworth's take on him:
    http://www.airborne-ranger.com/ranger/wannabees/O

    Well worth distributing widely.

    On a different note, I was very sorry to hear of Hackworth's demise. He had some kind words for me when my son was wounded and they helped boost our morale during a very dark time.

    OK, now back to the snark, bitches!

  34. jus_wonderin

    Of course all of these issue are intricate. I for one am glad to have a president that doesn't jump in guns blazing, balls to the Mission Accomplished sign.

  35. Swampgas_Man

    It always amazes me that Wonkette expects me visit sites like Malkin and Wash. Times, as if I'm a hooer for any psycho's opinion.

Comments are closed.