good to see he's doing fine

Donald Rumsfeld On Facebook, Wants To Be On ‘America’s Next Top Model’

Both really good at torture.Donald Rumsfeld’s long career of public service is over and now he, like any retired grandparent/war criminal, spends a lot of time on The Facebook. For example: “I met Tyra Banks last night in Hollywood. She probably wouldn’t have to twist my arm to be a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model.” Yeah, Donald Rumsfeld made a career out of making poor decisions in the Middle East and torturing people, but his true love is FASHION. Also: “Believe it or not I just got an iPad. Now I need my 13 year old grandson to show me how to work it.” But Donald Rumsefeld isn’t just Fashion Grandpa. He is Fashion Grandpa With a Dark Past. So he’s posted a weird video Saddam Hussein gave him as a gift.

The U.S. giving support to Saddam Hussein? LIKE.
It’s not like Donald Rumsfeld has a little box stashed away of love letters and little knickknacks from his torrid affair with Saddam Hussein and knows the exact date of each item he received from him or anything. (This video: female soldiers biting off the heads off snakes as a crowd cheers. Umm, thanks, Saddam!)

The funnyman's people did kill Jesus.
Fashion Grandpa really loves meeting all his new friends on The Facebook. His goodness!

A poor man's Steve Brule
Rumsfeld also posts “Rumsfeld Rules” like he’s a more masculine Confucius or something. Rumsfeld Rule: Wait at least 30 minutes after eating before you waterboard.

Soul sisters.
Laaaaaaadies! They love Fashion Grandpa, oh yeah. They love him in their vaginas.

Internet high five, Erick!
Oh yeah? What word was that? “Peace”? “Discretion”? “Scrutinize”? “Death”? [Facebook]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. CrankyLttlCamperette

    And now I can't get that "I'm not your daddy, I'm your granpaw" song from the Geico commercial outta my head…

  2. Barbara_i

    They love Fashion Grandpa, oh yeah!
    He should market his own cologne that smells like the cross between torture and the lining of your grandmother's purse.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I cut out the middle-man & extract the essence of my Werther's Originals & make my own perfume.

  3. baconzgood

    "Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of America's Top Model."

    -Donald Rumsfeld-

      1. CliveWarren

        Since he learned it from RedState it must have something to do with goats and creepy musings about sex with minors…

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    Given a choice between putting Donald Trump or Donald Rumsfeld in the Quisinart on "Blend," I would have to vote for a bigger blender.

  5. CliveWarren

    "Hey, Tyra! This war criminal wants to have a picture taken with you."


    "Hey, View-Ladies! Torture Master General is asking if you'd like to plug his book!"

    "Why, certainly!"

  6. ttommyunger

    There's no torturing war criminal like an old torturing war criminal. Thinking of him with a child on his lap makes my nuts cross over.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    Next up: Dancing with the Stars where he has the other contestants water boarded if they score higher than him.

  8. SorosBot

    It's bad enough getting a friend request from your grandfather, it must be really embarrassing getting it when he's an internationally known and reviled war criminal. I'd accept a friend request from Charles Manson over Rumsfeld.

  9. Badonkadonkette

    She probably wouldn’t have to twist my arm to be a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model.

    Maybe…but to be on the safe side, she should probably just waterboard you.

  10. Sophist[ArsPunetica]

    My prediction: he'll get America's Next Top Model involved in an intractable war with Project Runway and then receive the Presidential Medal of Fashion for his invaluable service to the nation.

  11. Captain_Quark

    John Galliano is available, too. Maybe he and Rumsfeld can team up and bring some class to Tyra's little fashion show.

    1. Sophist[ArsPunetica]

      We do know of certain knowledge that Donald Rumsfeld is either a sex offender, or not a sex offender, or dead.

  12. user-of-owls

    Rumsfeld won't last long as a judge. He'll always vote for the Iraqi corpse or the hooded guy with electrodes attached to his genitals.

  13. harry_palmer

    Beware of ideas sold as bold, exciting, innovative, and new."

    Isn't that exactly what he set out to do at the DoD? He laughed at old ideas like we'd need more troops, or don't start a land war in Asia, or torture is against everything we stand for …

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Beware of ideas sold as "bold,innovative, exciting, and new"? Like the total transformation of the military that Rummy was going to implement when he became SecDef and spent the first nine months of his administration muscling grumbling generals out of the way over?

  15. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I like snakes, not the human kind. I am not pleased to witness those women chomping on live snakes. This makes me hate Rummy just a little bit more and I didn't think that was possible.

  16. Tommmcatt

    As you know, you go on TV with the judges you have, not the judges Donald Rumsfeld might want or wish to have at a later time.

  17. DerrickWildcat

    Remember when Tyra put on that fat suit and walked around in the normal world looking normal for 3 hours? Yeah it blew her mind that normal people lived that way. She cried and showed empathy towards normal people (her audience) for a little while. She was so inconsolable that she got on her jet and flew to Mallorca for a week just to get herself together. She's one of us.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Yeah, Donald Rumsfeld made a career out of making poor decisions in the Middle East and torturing people, but his true love is FASHION.

    From what I hear, there is not that much difference between the two.

    However, there is a real chance that the girls on ANTM will greet him as a liberator.

  19. MrsBiggTime

    Great, now I'm going to have to put up with his FarmVille updates: "Donald ran over a bunch of ducklings with his tractor! Donald just traded weapons for fertilizer!"

  20. prommie

    This is how Hitler wished he could spend his golden years, dandling children on his lap, writing his memoirs, fondly reminiscing about his crimes to an adoring and greatful Nation.

  21. SorosBot

    Just saw a headline (no story yet) on that we don't have David Broder to kick around anymore.

  22. SmutBoffin

    This Saddam fellow sounds like a bad-ass dude and someone who would make a good ally to help protect our interests in the region.

    Is he available, do you think?

  23. GodShammgod

    Only the good die young. Like all the soldiers Rumsfeld helped send to their graves.

  24. Callyson

    I can hear Naomi Campbell now…
    "What, I got bad press for sitting next to a dictator and Tyra gets away with coddling up to Rumsfeld? At least I got some diamonds out of it…"

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Like Hitler wanted to be a painter, Rumsfeld just wanted be a judge on America's Next Top Model.

    (Note to wingnuts: not calling Rumsfeld a dictator or a Nazi/fascist. I am, however, calling him a warmonger.)

  26. hagajim

    If Rummy is on America's Top Model and one of the models is sent home….does he blow them away with an RPG? That would be unique.

  27. LouBristol

    It wld've been nice if Rumsfeld, Saddam, Gaddafi etc worked off their feelings for one another on facebook instead of dropping bombs on random camel grazers.

  28. pinkocommi

    I guess now that Rummy has finished his career as a war criminal he can devote himself to his true passion…. pedophilia.

  29. lulzmonger

    There are known war-criminals & there are unknown war-criminals …

    Beware of ideas sold as "bold, innovative, exciting, and new" … like the Geneva Convention or the Magna Carta.

  30. owhatever

    Too bad Rummy didn't have Saddam as a Friend back in the day. They might have texted and avoided the recent unpleasantness.

  31. DahBoner

    Well this is nothing new.

    On the morning of September 11, Rummy was pretending to be on SCRUBS instead of being available to give the order to scramble the fleet of F-16's just 10 miles west of the Pentagon….

  32. cheaphits

    And Charlie offed less than 10 people…most of them indirectly. Rummy's responsible for tens of thousands…probably hundreds of thousands.

  33. Negropolis

    Awwww. That picture with Tyra makes him look like an adorable, little grandpa.

    Speaking of Tyra, someone needs to bottle her essence, because whatsoever that animates her like that has to be more powerful than meth.

  34. GrippoMarx

    Dr. Evil recasting himself as a warm and fuzzy grandpa? Now that's a tough act! "Here Kid, have an butterscotch and let me show ya' this box of skulls once given to me by the ruling junta in Myanmar!"

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