aristotle is laughing

Utah To Pass ‘Basil Marceaux’s Law’

Never mind that textbooks already teach that this country is a republic:

A bill that would ensure Utah students learn the U.S. is a compound constitutional republic — not a democracy — has passed both Houses of the Legislature and is now headed to the governor for his signature. […]

The bill passed after weeks of debate over the differences between democracies and republics and whether socialism is a form of government or a philosophy. […]

Senate floor sponsor Sen. Mark Madsen, R-Eagle Mountain, said in some states children are being indoctrinated in socialism via some curriculum.

Good to see Utah putting a lot of effort into the important things. Will Basil Marceaux and Chuck Norris be at the bill signing? Or will they be enslaved at a traffic stop on the way there? [Salt Lake Tribune]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Troubledog

    Guess making schoolkids recite "…and to the Republic, for which it stands…" while staring at the flag wasn't clear enough?

  • Troubledog

    And also, if they want something to be in textbooks, they better send a delegation to make sure it's okay with the Texas State Board of Education.

  • nounverb911

    "Marceaux’s Law"
    Today we are all mimes.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Sounds like Utah Zion is full of land mimes alright, and to paraphrase Chris Hitchens they are easier to lay than remove.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Seriously….what's happening to this country? I don't even recognize it any more…

    • Weenus299

      Do you ever get the feeling your riding in a speeding car and a drunken Mel Gibson is the driver?

      At least if it were Charlie Sheen, we could all have a laugh before we all die horrible deaths.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It might be the time to pass a law to kick out states deemed too stupid to be in the Union.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The map would look like one of those 19th century maps of Africa, with only the coasts shown and "Terra Incognita" in the interior.

      • horsedreamer_1

        This is actually Barack Obama's 13 Point Plan to Destroy America.

    • Gopherit

      You'd be lucky to get a simple majority.

      • user-of-owls

        Oh, you'd get a "simple" majority for sure.

  • harry_palmer

    Fine, mak it a pure democracy – all the other shit was to appease the slaveowners and it's where the teabaggers get all their power.

    • moralturpentine

      Living in California I can assure you more democracy is not always a good thing.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Tupac's Max-Max-styled Nihiloscape from the "California Love" video was prescient.

  • GuyClinch

    The problem isn't children being indoctrinated with socialism, it's them being indoctrinated with balls-out teabagger stupidity.

  • SorosBot

    You often get libertarians, in their course of talking down at everyone else in their smug ignorant manner, explaining to people "we're a republic, not a democracy" as if they're being profound, and not just mouthing an empty truism over a semantic difference.

    • Troubledog

      sometard: This nation is being hijacked by socialists intent on redistributing wealth.

      me: Good thing the founders created a democratic system to prevent these sorts of things from happening.

      sometard (smugly preparing for the kill): This nation is not a democracy, it's a republic.

      me: You raise a distinction without a difference. The fact is that the nation called United States of America is a Republic, and its form of government is a representative democracy, in which people's local votes are represented by a group of electors who then vote for the President. The founding fathers understood that the common man was neither educated or wise enough to make such important decisions, and they specifically installed features including the Electoral College firewall and the six year terms of Senators to prevent the passions of the people misled and inflamed by jingoists and hatemongers from having any lasting effect.

      sometard: fuck you, you nigger loving faggot

      • SorosBot

        Yep; I've gotten pretty much just that a couple times while banging my head against the wall against the libertarians and wingnuts who compromise most of the commenters at Juli's new place.

      • emmelemm

        Well, he showed you!

      • CapnFatback

        sometard: fuck you, you nigger loving faggot

        When did you get into an argument with Bristol Palin?

      • MsQuasimodo

        The problem is, there was no check or balance to prevent uneducated, stupid, unwise "common men" from running for and getting elected to office. (And I think WI voters got a huge wake up call as to the immediate effect of this.)

    • snoopyfan2010

      What is the point of saying that anyway? Are they trying to say we shouldn't be able to vote?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Welcome to the Repeal the 17th Amendment Club.

  • undeterredbyreality

    "What we have here…is…FAILURE to commun'cate."

  • hagajim

    What? We teach kids in this country?

    • Jason_inthe_Peg

      They should learn to teach themselves rather then rely on others to do the teaching for them.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Shopping List (Exhibit ZZ-5314bajillion) says "NO"

  • Weenus299

    So they wouldn't go for the wording "Seriously Corrupted Democracy?" What happens in a couple of decades when it's a "Compound, Multilateral-Gynecological-Inferior Logistical-Dual-Quad-Positronic Constitutional-Dictatorship?"

  • Callyson

    Not a democracy? OK, then I guess Reagan's quote on that point will have to be paraphrased:
    "A compound constitutional republic is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man."
    Yeah…that's catchy…

    • Weenus299

      Indeed. This Compound Constitutional Republic by the people, of the people and for the people shall not perish until next week.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What? No "I thought we were an autonomous collective" yet? Y'all are slipping.

    • jqheywood

      You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. …

    • Troubledog

      Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

  • OzoneTom

    I thought that the United States is a constitutionally limited representative democratic republic.

    • MinAgain

      Show-off.

  • edgydrifter

    If this means no more Utah traffic stop slavery, I know where I'll be riding next summer. If we still have fuel then. Or states.

  • Gopherit

    If we did what the right wing really wants and allowed bible study in school, wouldn't teaching the gospels be the same as teaching socialism? Goddamn it. time to revise the King James version again.

    • SorosBot

      They're already doing that: (warning, this is a link to Conservapedia, NSFS (not safe for sanity): http://www.conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_P

      • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com andrewdrinker

        Oh good! So they're going back to the original Aramaic, Hebrew and Greek and translating from there?

        Oh, they're not?

        Pussies.

  • ttommyunger

    Just sitting on my nuts here wondering where will all this take us and when and how will it end?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Like in Dr Strangelove and Reservoir Dogs, everybody dies in the end

      • ttommyunger

        Not looking too bad now, either.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      I'm guessing "to a civil war" and "badly".

      • ttommyunger

        Well, considering I reside in the belly of the beast (Gawgia) I guess I'll be one of the early casualties.

    • PublicLuxury

      Why are you sitting on your nuts? Shouldn't your nuts be in a dish?

      • ttommyunger

        If you prefer.

  • OurHoboSenator

    Thank you, Utah. You make Ohio look sane.

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com andrewdrinker

      Good lord, you're right. Not even George W. Kasich can top that one.

  • Guppy06

    Does the law also require teaching that libertarian political diamond thing, too?

  • MinAgain

    Compound constitutional republic? Does that mean we should be earning interest on the Bill of Rights?

    • chickensmack

      To hear Teabaggers, you'd think they're entitled to fucking royalties on it.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well now that they have that all straightened out they can get on to other important stuff like mandatory firearms for all students K-12 and declaring that God is not a women.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    But how will Utah work in the imperial reign of Dick Cheney?

  • user-of-owls

    You can't fool us, Utah. This is nothing more than a stimulus bill for unemployed Political Philosophy PhDs.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    The competition for the most dumbass state grows even more intense. WS and AZ's early lead may be threatened. Crowd favorites like MS, TX, LA, AL, OK , NV, SC, IN, SD and GA are pushing hard as UT begins a surge.

    It's still a close race with more strong entries on the way.

  • GregComlish

    Yeah! FUCK Democracy and FUCK those who would defend it

  • gullywompr

    Word roots have consequences.

  • snoopyfan2010

    Christ! Help us!

    • Moonbat

      Christ: Man, I told you what to do already. Be cool unto each other. Take care of the poor. Don't be such jerks.

      Y'all can't handle that, I can't help you. Sorry.

  • Moonbat

    Canada, definitely.

  • DaRooster

    Why do the "Rights" always think we should invade places and teach them about Democracy?

    • MsQuasimodo

      But if the "people" rise up and overthrow their dictator in favor of a democracy, it's … suspect, & prolly communist, because the neocons didn't invade with billion dollar military contracts, and the US corporate interests might get thrown out with the old dictator.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Take the govt out of education. Put the govt into education. Which is it, tea fuckers?

  • horsedreamer_1

    I accept no proclamations of the "State of Utah".

    Deseret will rise, again!

  • Jukesgrrl

    According to FOX News, my party — that would be the DemocRAT Party — is not democratic either, but rather Socialist. Or, let's make that Socialist LABOR, since labor is all the rage these days (yea Wisconsin!), AKA Marxist, AKA Communist … and as we all know, those terms are also interchangeable with Nazi and Fascist. We use language so creatively in the U.S. of Twitter, even the Utah legislature can't refudiate our word salad. Not to mention, Utah expects school students to be able to SPELL "constitutional-republic"?? Duh.

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com andrewdrinker

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. It's a "republic" (read: Republican) and not a "democracy" (read: Democrat). Aren't you clever.

  • __kth__

    Silver lining: this Mark Madsen is *not* the ball of zaniness that was part of the Lakers supporting cast in the Shaq-Kobe days. Because if that guy had become a teabag flagbearer, I would definitely have had a sad.

  • fishskicanoe

    Canada won't let me in. I'm too old and poor.

  • natoslug

    It's high time we embargo Utah. No more internet porn until they back down on this stupid shit. Considering their consumption rate, I give them 3 days.

  • aqua_buddha

    Really puts the final over in Flyover.

  • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    The goldfinch flag is next