fun with maps

Not Having a Passport Gives You Diabetes

Cue the banjos.
Hey, look what happens when you put together a map of the density of diabetics in the U.S. with one of passport ownership! (You get fired from NPR, is what happens.) Isn’t it funny how every map of the U.S. like these are basically the same? Somebody find us a map of dentists per capita so we can throw that up there too.

So what exactly is the problem here? Are type-two diabetics simply too heavy to be craned from their bedrooms and onto cargo ships leaving the country? Or does xenophobia make one eats lots of fatty food to calm one’s angry nerves? Yes.

UPDATE: Wonkette operative “Cody B.” sends us this:

We are so fired from NPR right now.

Exactly. [Boing Boing via @linernotesdanny]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. PublicLuxury

    If we hadn't made slavery illegal this wouldn't be happeining. It's all the 'browns' fault.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      So may I assume that every morbidly obese person I see has some African blood in them? Think we should tell 'em?

    1. Barbara_i

      I read that McDonald's is no longer the biggest restaurant chain in America. Now it is Subway, which is nice if you don't mind someone making a sub for you as if they were diffusing a bomb.

      1. SorosBot

        Considering how there's one every two blocks around here I'm not surprised; they're more ubiquitous than Starbucks these days.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          Or Walgreens. Can't pass a corner without a damn Walgreens on it. Guess that fits in nicely with the diabetes angle.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Around here, Walgreens and CVS seem to have come to a power sharing arrangement so that they alternate intersections. But when you add in every damn supermarket/Walmart/Sam's Club having a pharmacy, it is a pretty telling clue as to where the growth sectors of the economy are.

          2. Jukesgrrl

            Or in suburbs with divided highways, there are often TWO in a single intersection. Double your pleasure, drug, alcohol, and snack food fans!

      2. GuyClinch

        I'd rather have a bomb defused. Diffusing bombs usually mean I'm getting filled with shrapnel. Or is that what you meant?

      3. Krugmanic Depressive

        Subways multiply like roaches because the business model demands it. It makes it impossible to succeed as a one-franchise shop, but as you saturate a territory, you can eke out a livable existence. I read it in Fast Food Nation, because I am a liberal book-learnin' type

        1. BerkeleyBear

          At this point the franchisers demand it too. Most seem to want you to take multiple stores slots from the start, or at least prove you have the money to do so. Personally, having to make that kind of leap/exposure would lead me to open an independent instead of 3 chain operations, especially if I had something unique to offer.

        1. andrewdrinker

          OMG they have a Waffle House up in the People's Soclialist Republic of British Columbia?!?!?

          Oh wait, they're all smoking weed in Vancouver, that's why.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            But no Waffle Houses in West Virginia, properly. There locations near (Maryland, Kentucky, Pennsylvania), but not of, it.

      1. andrewdrinker

        Granted, Anheuser-Busch probably has some sort of contract. They were the sole provider of beer at the 2006 World Cup held in Germany. That must've driven some people nutty.

    1. mavenmaven

      Having lived in Europe for a while, its always amazing to see Merkins complaining about the chocolate isn't like Hershey's and why they have all those damned colored fruity ice creams instead of good old vanilla.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Vanilla? Most Americans I know wouldn't even eat vanilla ice cream unless you packed it with chunks of candy bar.

  2. baconzgood

    I bet the graph that shows people who say "Ameica is the best country in the WORLD" looks the same too.

          1. tessiee

            "If I wanted to look at poor people, rest assured that I'd do so through a powerful telescope" — Mr. Burns

  3. harry_palmer

    I think you have to fill out forms to get a passport. Meaning you have to know how to read.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      "Meaning you have to know how to read. "

      Thus explaining why fast food menus use pictures instead of words.

    2. Eve8Apples

      "Meaning you have to know how to read."

      It also explains why putting nutrition labels on food sold in the south is a waste of ink.

  4. SorosBot

    Let's also see maps of teen pregnancy rates, divorce rate, education level, belief that Jesus rode a dinosaur, NASCAR viewership, domestic violence rates, and pickup truck ownership.

      1. SorosBot

        Oh yes, I forgot that show; a great insight into the life of rednecks and their urban equivalents.

    1. Redhead

      GED certificate (as opposed to college degree). amount of cheetohs and beef jerkey purchased. percent of annual income spent at WalMart.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I actually had to tell someone to go to the Post Office to get passport forms yesterday. He kept putting off getting the forms because he thought he had to go to the DMV for some reason.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          No, just a kid at Best Buy in Austin. At least he's smart enough to want to get out of this country for a little while…

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Americans are pretty geographically challenged. Maybe he thought one could DRIVE to Europe.

      1. Chillwaver

        As a matter of fact it is, but I'm happily married…sorry darling…have you tried Craigslist yet?

  5. Barbara_i

    Yikes, that state up there to the upper right is about to be renamed "Fat-Ass-Achusetts" Bristol should buy a summer home there. (with cash)

  6. Troubledog

    There's also a high correlation between swallowing saliva and stomach cancer. But only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

    – rip George Carlin

  7. Weenus299

    How comes we can't deport fat people? They don't fit the Emma Lazarus perameter for residency anyway.

    1. V572625694

      "Wretched refuse of your teeming shore" pretty much hits the mark. Wheezing to breathe free…

      1. Weenus299

        I thought those were marks of fly-waisted mill jockeys who breathed in too much coal smut in Yurpean factories.

        Could it be so wide — wide reaching as to encompass the huffing masses wheeling on scooters, yearning to eat meat?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Having spent a good deal of my childhood as well as a significant part of my adult life overseas, the ignorance of the typical American vis-a-vis the rest of the world never fails to leave me speechless. Fuckers live in Disneyland.

    1. Weenus299

      The fully armed Disneyland, where everyone has a 9mm and is just beginning to exhibit symptoms of a nervous breakdown.

      It kind of makes me want to eat some Bojangles and be done with giving a fuck.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I once stood in the entrance line at the Louvre and listened to the Texan in front of me give a loud lecture on how the French should study at the Disney management school to learn how to make line-waiting more palatable. "Don't they have some of them mimes? They should get 'em to come out here and do some entertainin'." I swear. I actually moved to the back of the line, lest someone think I was in his party.

  9. DaRooster

    Other maps to go along-
    Teen pregnancy?
    Family secks?
    Real Mericuns?
    They don't have passports because "There ain't nowhere else gooder than the good ol' USA… GO JUNIOR!"
    "Bring the truck around, We're goin' to the Titty Bar!"

  10. harry_palmer

    "Isn’t it funny how every map of the U.S. like these are basically the same?" And the Koch Bros/ Republican Party are slowly succeeding in their bid to turn the rest of US America into this same 3rd-world paradise.

  11. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Why would I want to go to Italy when I have a perfectly good Olive Garden right here?

    1. DemmeFatale

      Yes, and why would my Aunt Betty leave Fresno, CA to see a castle, (we lived in England), when she could just go to Hearst Castle?
      Or Solvang, (when we lived in Denmark)?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yes, I'm sure they've put him in a very nice retirement mansion. Or should I say our tax dollars have put him in a very nice retirement mansion, since I suspect most of those people aren't paying for their own insulin.

  12. mnotrtoo

    …, fat, dumb, low life expenctancy, lean heavily on federal government support, corrupt, higher divorce rates, higher teen pregnancy, …

    Man, passport renewal is coming up. Gotta get that thing out before a hurricane hits that house.

    1. tessiee

      "lean heavily on federal government support"

      …while complaining about those *other* people (if you know who I mean) getting it.

  13. PocketsTheClown

    Where's the map of most camel bucks redeemed, elitist editor? Don't see marlboro miles either, Mr. Writeypants

  14. SorosBot

    Apropos of nothing, why do women who have just given birth and are out on maternity leave feel compelled to come to the office with the screeching annoying little thing?

      1. SorosBot

        I like kids – once they're old enough to actually have a personality and do stuff Newborns though? They just either sleep or cry and they all pretty much look the same, and I'm not gonna drop all pretense of working, run over and coo, probably in embarrassing baby talk, just 'cause there's a baby in the office.

    1. LesBontemps

      To remind you that even though she's not at work, she's not on a fucking vacation, etiher, and stop piling shit up on her desk goddammit it ain't your fucking storage closet.

      Or so I've been told.

    2. widestanceroman

      For some reason, I tend to talk to babies as if they were pets, so I avoid the visits and the mom's reaction to my asking the lil tyke 'who's a good puppy?'.

    3. Janinthepan

      I'm more irritated when the 16 year old drop out shows up at school to show off her baby like a new outfit, and then leaves it with the office secretary so she can say hi to her friends. Ten teen moms at the high school I teach at, out of 150 girls.

  15. The_Great_Gazoo

    Why would anyone ever want to leave Mississippi? Especially considering the availability of dialysis machines per capita when compared to, say, Paris?

    1. Barbara_i

      Why would anyone ever want to leave Mississippi? It happens all the time. The population stays that same because every time a woman gets pregnant a man leaves town.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    You can be sure that most of the passports issued to Mississippi residents are for oilfield workers who applied for them when hired on for jobs in Alaska.

  17. baconzgood

    In fairness to Mississippi, I've been there several times and felt I needed to use my passport to enter that 3rd world country of hicks.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I spent the 9th grade in Biloxi. They had just gone to forced desegregation, but the folks there were no fools, they bused all the white kids from the air force base to the poor black school. Having just spent 3 years in Turkey, that bus ride down Division Street on the first day of school was quite an eye-opener. Much more depressingly impoverished than anything I had seen in Turkey. So yes, third world is quite an appropriate descriptor.

  18. LabRodent

    Type III diabetes is on the way. I love the way the fat guy says diabetes on those commercials. Is he that oatmeal guy. Oh sh*t my minds straying again…………………

  19. PublicLuxury

    Is there a correlation between all you can eat buffets and Diabeetus and passports and gun ownership in the map of the USA?

  20. natoslug

    Awesome! I can now ignore my doctor and continue to ignore exercise and a healthy diet. Passports also cure high blood pressure, right? Or is the only cure for that having the teens move out?

  21. ManchuCandidate

    Shockingly, I'm NOT shocked.

    I'm betting if you superimpose these maps with strength of opposition to mild healthcare reform that passed, it would almost line up with these maps.

      1. emmelemm

        For which you used to just need a driver's license, but now you actually need a passport.

  22. Pithaughn

    Take away Colorado's mountain towns (young fit educated) and we are as dark as GA. My western Rerul area was dominated by the KKK until the 1950's. Acutal KKK political party winning elections.

  23. mereoblivion

    So if we pop over to the Isles this summer we won't be surrounded by enormous-assed American racist dickwads, just chinless brown-toothed limey ones? Sweet!

  24. Sue4466

    Ironically, the places with the lowest passport numbers are the places you'd most want to leave. Maybe irony is the wrong word, pathetic, that's it.

    1. Weenus299

      Every day here in SC, I hear a little whisper of hopelessness creep into each day's voice.

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      I'm from Wisconsin — it's all "Coming soon to a state near you!" It's like something out of Kafka; One morning I woke up in Wississippi…

      Stupid is on the move, heading north.

  25. widestanceroman

    The rumor that our FLOTUS forced the air industry to charge by the pound has resulted in a drop in long distance travel by the folks in those states.

    I totally want credit for starting that rumor, too.

  26. Terry

    Yeah, dentristry tracks the same pattern:

    Loss of natural teeth:

    Amount of physical exercise:


    Per capita lynchings:

    Per capita number of prisoners:

    % of college degrees:

    There are more on that site, but I'm tired and depressed from listing them.

  27. genxr

    This map shows where we should have been building the fence all along. Or maybe a fence is not necessary as they don't travel further than a hoveround can go on a single charge.

    If I say, "Stay home and die, you fat conservative ass" would that be considered a pejorative or statistical analysis?

  28. hagajim

    Can we overlay a map of scooter sales on this please? Also – the Biggest Loser thanks the CDC for providing it with a nice recruitment map.

  29. ttommyunger

    Not only keep a valid one, I don't leave the fucking house without it… I know, but just because you're paranoid doesn't mean your aren't being followed. The lack of curiosity on the part of the average American about things that don't impact him personally is gobsmacking. Someone important once said, "War is how Americans learn geography.".

    1. Pithaughn

      The few times it has been asked for, I hand over my international drivers lic to our local traffic officers. No tickets, warnings only. My theory is; they have never seen one and just are too lazy to find out what is the official protocol for the document.

      1. ttommyunger

        When in doubt, avert eyes/ignore. One very rarely comes upon an intellectually curious civil servant.

  30. prommie

    IQ, educational achievement, income, divorce, teen pregnancy, VD, murders, rapes, gun ownership rates, the distributions of ALL these things, it never varies, the fucking Bible Belt, the red-state heartland of Amurrica, is the land of murder, wife-beating, diabetes, ignorance, syphillis, illegitimate children, xenophobia, cowboy hats, nascar fans, and dropping out of high school. And pig-fucking, never forget the pig-fucking.

    How dare we elitists look down on them

  31. SheriffRoscoe

    The northern tip of Maine has the diabeetus too? Ay-yuh, hahdly makes sense. Must be puttin' too much sugah in tha flapjack battah.

  32. MarshallBanana

    I think this is the best argument AGAINST socialized health care I've ever seen.

    Cause, basically, I've had it. Let them all die.

  33. jim89048

    I almost got a passport once when my girlfriend's dance troupe got a gig on a Caribbean cruise ship and she wanted me to go along. We broke up, so I never turned in my app. If it ain't gonna help get me laid, what the fuck good is it, anyway?

  34. SheriffRoscoe

    Counter intuitively, when rednecks get passports for the first time they often break them in with a trip to Cancun. And they have their bright, shiny new passports all ready to go. Often those of us who are flight crews are asked to help them with their landing cards and immigration and customs documentation, questions arise like, "it says here passport number and date of issue…..where do I find that?…." Oh, but they have some of the words and phrases they'll be using memorized. ¿Dónde está el bar? and ¿Dónde está el bathroom? They're so cute, you almost wish they'd never grow up.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Another favorite:
      "Family name? What's that?"
      "It means 'Last name'."
      "Hmmph. [Grumbles] They could've just said 'Last name' and saved all the confusion."

  35. Eve8Apples

    The good news… The fatasses also oppose health care reform which means the diabetes will wipe them off the planet. Additionally, they're too stupid and lazy to fill out a passport application which means they won't be able to get socialized medical care overseas.

  36. widget12

    Why do those maps show the epicenter of conservative fucktards, or is that my imagination running wild again?

  37. VaWyo

    I bet the passport numbers were even worse before a passport was needed to go to Mexico or some of the Caribbean nations.

  38. sezme

    Having to buy two airplane tickets for one ass inhibits the desire to travel abroad. QED

  39. HateMachine

    I literally just got back from the post office to pay a hojillion dollars for expedited passport service when I saw this. Sometimes I just love you so much, Wonkette. And those times are all of the time.

    1. emmelemm

      Wow! I'm wondering how Wyoming and North Dakota came off so well. Must not have polled any Native Americans, I'm guessing.

      Interesting map, anyways. Thanks.

  40. quintanus

    Since marx layed out the concepts, one of the signatures of being part of the petit bourgeois, or the 'creative class' as it has more recently been called, has been disgust for the lower classes.
    Just like with that guy yesterday who posted the shopping list of crap food found at Wal*mart for everyone to laugh at, this map serves as a psychological vehicle for you to assert security in your class status. And you are falsely blaming poor people in Mississippi for our country's problems, even though they are peasants and it's all a distraction from the real power structure. Do you think everything would be perfect if the poor could be vaporised?

  41. mog253

    And I live in DE and have passport AND diabetes. Shows what them eeelitist science folks know.

  42. AntonovBureau

    You know, this information actually is positive in my view. The urban legend I had always heard was that less than 10% of Americans had passports. And judging by ~90% of the population, I had naturally assumed that number to be correct.

  43. AntonovBureau

    Question: if you are in the military, do you need a passport? All the wars may explain why the numbers are 'too' high?

  44. Jukesgrrl

    I just found my misplaced passport. I guess I can now eat anything I want for dinner.

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