human mysteries

Anti-Gay Lady Doesn’t Know Ladies Can Have Butt Sex, Too

Not an entrance!There are no pressing issues in Colorado, so the state Senate is hearing public testimony regarding “civil unions” (butt sex). That’s why this scary old lady from the “Eagle Forum” decided to lecture lawmakers on the proper use of the anus and the sphincter — and by “proper,” she definitely does not mean she’d like anybody sticking their whatzit in that business! This is why American Jesus-God made butts tight and, we guess, vaginas all loose and floppy? Is it possible this lady needs an emergency medical exam instead of dangerously sitting around the Colorado State Senate? The video answer may surprise you!

Not really, the video will just give you the willies:


Please nobody tell this lady that ladies can also have the butt sex. [Box Turtle Bulletin via Wonkette tipster "Luke"]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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188 comments

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      hahahhahahaha…I couldn't even get past the headline, alt-text photo and first paragraph w/out falling out of my chair laughing (and of course everyone in office just HAD to rush in to what happened! :)

      1. GOPCrusher

        I can't see how those people can just sit there and listen to Grandma talk about buttsechs without recreating the Porky's scene with Beulah Ballbricker asking for a police lineup to identify Tommy Turner's dick sticking through the wall of the women's shower.

  1. Crank_Tango

    Well ladies. It's International Women's Day, AND Mardi Gras, so let's break out the beads and have a good time. No chance of being an unwed mother if we do the buttseks, also.

      1. Crank_Tango

        well see you GET the beads for taking off that hot hot purple suit. Or is it just a burlap bag dyed and made to look like a jacket. Either way.

  2. Beetagger

    "The anus is not an entrance. It is an exit." I have this embroidered on a beautiful needlepoint by my grandmother.

    1. riverside68

      What's the Enema Man got to say about Anus: extrance or exit?

      Purple lady strikes me as big on enemas, but I'm just takin a shot in the dark.

    2. Extemporanus

      My wife's birthday is coming up — do you think your grandmother could make a needlepoint fucksaw cozy for me that reads "The anus is a revolving door."?

  3. Barbara_i

    "vaginas all loose and floppy?"
    How did we go from having to use K-Y Jelly to Poligrip, all of a sudden?
    I'm going to go play some mahjong and work on my Kiegel exercises.

      1. Barbara_i

        I am playing the generic Pogo version "mahjong" They spell it this way to avoid having to pay for any ancient Chinese secret copyright infringements. No, it doesn't help.

      2. Iam_Who_Iam

        I imagine if you were to use the most unique part of your anatomy to move the tiles, yes. Embarrassing when you lose a tile though.

        Seriously, imagine the talent required.

        [and btw, LeAlbatross FTW]

  4. SmutBoffin

    …the anus is an exit, it is not an entrance…THIS IS SCIENCE…

    Really? I must have missed that day in butt-science class.

    1. MinAgain

      I went to a southern high school. There was no butt-science class, but we did have a spitting area.

    2. Negropolis

      Since when do conservatives care about science? Oh, yeah, when they think it helps them with their hateful arguments.

  5. donner_froh

    "We should tell the truth about fornication and sodomy"

    Sounds like a good thing for the Colorado state senate to spend their time doing. If our elected officials can't inform us about sodomy who are we supposed to count on–the Catholic church?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      The truth is that while RepublicanChristianStraightOneManOneWomanMissionaryUpstandingCitizens say they never engage in sodomy and fornication, chronic scandals on the Right prove that they engage in it more than one might think possible.

  6. Troubledog

    Buttsex? Here's two tickets to that thing you like. The tickets are now diamonds. I'm on a horse.

  7. Hatrabbit

    I'd take her testimony more seriously if she wasn't sitting on a Dr Huckenbecker patented 'Vibrating Butt-Plug Chair' while she gave it.

    Just sayin'.

    1. jus_wonderin

      And it would be funnier if she road it like a the mechanical bull scene from Urban Cowboy.

  8. JadedDissonance

    All this talk of Exits and Joseph Stalin has permanently removed my mind from the gutter.

  9. fuflans

    i wish we had gotten to hear what stalin had to say about MA teaching kindergartners to be homosexuals.

  10. edgydrifter

    Brown starfish and floppy beef curtains. Economy? War? Fuck those–we've got to stay focused on the important issues.

  11. MildMidwesterner

    Ken — I think you're mistaken about the ladies and the buttsex. I've asked plenty of ladies if we could have buttsex, and the answer was always an emphatic, "No!"

  12. freakishlywrong

    She just needs someone to wiggle it around in her feces. She'll come around. (I have barfed several times today).

  13. forgracie

    Any bets this woman is in favor of limited government when it comes to WIC or Headstart?

  14. donner_froh

    The state senator facing the camera seems to be thinking either "If I sneak out of this a bit early I can stop for a quick fornication and sodomy session with a constituent" or "I blew all those rich donors for this?

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    I refuse to watch that video. But good to see everyone in CO has jobs & health care since they are taking up time with this issue of vital importance.

  16. V572625694

    Legimaslators love to talk about buttßechs and kiddie porn and other things they can punish severely because it doesn't cost anything to pass such laws. Financing schools in poor neighborhoods…why would they want to vote for that?

    As George Carlin said:

    "Our thrust is to prick holes in the stiff front erected by the smut dealers. We must keep mounting an offensive to penetrate any crack in his defenses so we can to lay to rest his dominant position. We want him hung and we want fast action. Let's get on him. Let's ram through a stiff bail law..so it will be hard for him to get it up. We've got to come together so we can whip this thing into submission. It'll be hard on us, but we can’t lick it by being soft!"

        1. tr[edacted]down

          As a Pole I find this offensive. Now where did you want me to dig that ditch, and why do I have to stand in it? Hey what are you going to do with that machine gun? Oh!

  17. Clancy_Pants

    Nice thing is they heard this testimony and were still able to move the Civil Unions bill out of committee. What's Michele Bachmann's mom doing in Colorado, also.

  18. HempDogbane

    OK, I'll do it. "Eagle Forum Lady, ladies can have the butt sex, too. But yes, of course Eagle Forum Jesus wants the dude/dudette to pull out right now and never enter there again."

  19. hagajim

    "We should tell the truth about fornication and sodomy"

    It's a lot of fun and we will all have plenty of time to practice – because there are no jobz!

    1. MadBrahms

      Well, especially considering that there are so many synonyms for "awesome" (the truth about fornication and sodomy)

  20. Sophist[ArsPunetica]

    You know what, lady, I'll do you one better. After that video I'm thinking we should just ban all sex, everywhere, forever. Let the cockroaches have a go at running the show.

  21. weejee

    Phillthis Phyllis.

    How can this crone still be around? She was an olde when I was in college in Illinois and I'm and olde now. Least she is consistent though. She's still a large pain in the anus. Take it out Phyllis, take it out.

  22. CliveWarren

    A vagina is an exit and an entrance… I mean that is the reason it is flanked by those flappy saloon style doors, right? I'm not a vagina expert, by the way. But I install a mean door if necessary – one day that will be considered sexy…

  23. franco_pinyon

    Hahahaha.. Man! The folks who get all steamed up about teh geyz get crazier and crazier. Sheesh!

  24. 4TheTurnstiles

    "You say you can't live with what you been through…
    But lady, you can be an asshole too–
    You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you–oo,
    But don't fool yourself, girl, it's winkin' at you…"

  25. SorosBot

    The truth about fornication and sodomy is that they're fun, so I'm surprised this woman who seems to hate sex so much wants to tell the truth about them.

  26. chickensmack

    I don't know a lot — and Charlie Sheen As God knows I'm no hedonist — but how exactly would ladies have teh buttsecks?

    I think of two improperly placed parentheses. )(

    I am just not worldly enough, perhaps.

      1. chickensmack

        DING!

        Thank you for the clarity. And if you're reading, "4TheTurnstiles," FUCK YOU for engraving that John Goodman shit on my head.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      Imagine a woman who looks like John Goodman pegging a woman who looks like a unitarian minister, because she is one, and then…

      try to erase that from your mind

  27. Tundra Grifter

    You be the hen
    And I'll be the rooster.
    Anything we do
    You're gonna get use to…

    PS: Today we're all Jessica Cutler. Or, at least, 100% behind her.

    1. mrblifil

      Hey Mickey!
      Now when you take me by the ***
      Who's ever gonna know?
      Everytime you move I let
      A little more show
      It's something we can use
      So don't say no Mickey

      So c'mon and give it to me anyway you can
      Anyway you wanna do it
      I'll take it like a man
      But please baby please, don't leave me in the dam Mickey

  28. Hatrabbit

    If God didn't want people to have butt sex he wouldn't use little sphincters to stop them, he'd insert bright red hexagonal stop signs up our butts, and have warning whistles and things.

    And he'd say in the bible: "Listen to the shrivelly old lady in the purple jacket about anal sexnstuff. What she said, FTW!"

    Yep, that's what he'd do.

  29. Oblios_Cap

    I refuse to comment on this woman's views on buttsex until Enema Man weighs in with his thoughts on the subject.

  30. prommie

    "The anus is an exit, not an entrance."

    "The unwed mother rate is 40%"

    I'm confused; you'd think she'd be in favor of more rump-wrangling, as it would keep down the unwed mother rate?

    1. FlownOver

      And he said unto them, "Verily I say unto thee, confuse not the morans with REASON, lest they cease to provide unto thee all that hilarious shit."

    2. GregComlish

      Seriously. Every good Christian girl knows that the vagina is a sacred site, while the ass is made for EZ Ridin'.

    3. natoslug

      She continued on to discuss tightness — I think what she was trying to say was that kids today need to stick with oral. With anal, you run the risk of accidental vaginal penetration.

          1. inedal

            how about Oral Roberts?
            in case any of you young kids don't remember, during those clinton-intern oral days, Gore Vidal gave the most moral
            response to this Constitutional Dilemma by saying-
            better to have oral sex in the white house than Oral Roberts in the oval office.

  31. Steverino247

    She is opposed to buttsecks because her followers would have to remove their heads first and they might like the view.

  32. JoshuaNorton

    I'm sure that no matter where you stuck it on her, it would have all the traction of a glass of warm water.

    Just sayin'…..

  33. V572625694

    OT, but too too juicy: James O'Keefe just punked NPR. That is to say, he got their bigshots to say the teabaggers are racists.

    Can we check w/Juan Williams on that one? Oh that's right: he got fired. Maybe Susan Stanberg has an opinion.

    1. karen

      Oh goodie, they'll take shit from all sides for speaking the truth.

      My sister became a teabagger, and I swear to zombie jesus every time she takes her kids to the goddamn doctor she deems it necessary to say "I like Dr. SuchandSuch, even though he probably wants to kill us all or bomb a building." And that's regardless of the fact that the man is from India, but he's a brown so it counts all the same. These people are racist, xenophobic slobs, and they deserve to be called out on it.

    2. mumbly_joe

      Breaking news: NPR is full of liberals! Possibly because conservatives all want to destroy it! And also are in fact, racist, xenophobic slobs.

      Also, it's kinda hilarious how it's being presented on the right-wing blogs: Pimpbagger posed as part of a "Muslim Brotherhood front group" Read: "As part of a generic and innocuous-seeming Muslim group, but we're all racist, xenophobic slobs"

      1. mumbly_joe

        Speak of the slob and he does downfist, apparently. DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT DOWNFISTING IS WRONG, BECAUSE OF SCIENCE?!

  34. freakishlywrong

    Don't think it's your chest cold, Manchu. Reading about Clarence Thomas's chocolate concrete stiffy and this dowager's floppy vajayjay could give you phenomena. Take care.

  35. PalinPussyPower

    I will be inserting my computer mouse in my anus before I send this woman an email. I will let her know that the mouse was Christened by my ass. I might even provide her with video evidence. For science.

  36. doxastic

    If the video of your speech ends up titled "Testimony About the Anus," and you are not in fact a proctologist, something has gone very very wrong.

    1. SorosBot

      Now, I think we can also expect good testimony about the Anus from the honored lord Sir Mix-a-Lot.

      1. MissTaken

        Yesterday was Booty Appreciation Day after all. I'm sure Sir Mix-a-Lot raised a few in honor of them.

  37. Maman

    Hmmm, my kids went to the wrong kind of school then. There was no kindergarten sex ed there… but I will admit to explaining the birds and the bees before my girls were 12 as puberty was already well under way..

  38. Oblios_Cap

    The burning question that has yet to be asked is:

    "What impact will this have on the nation's supply of Anusburgers?"

  39. Maman

    Dear Ken, Re: "Anti-Gay Lady Doesn’t Know Ladies Can Have Butt Sex, Too"….. shhhh. Let's keep it a secret or everyone will want too…

  40. MooseDroppings

    Since I have nothing to do this afternoon guess I'll edit this video and make it look like this old bag is testifying in front of a group of children. Bet nobody's thought of that ….

  41. GregComlish

    If we don't teach our kids the truth about butts in school, then they will end up being taught by the media, by rappers like Mister Enema and Poopy Snoopy Dog and God knows who else.

  42. widestanceroman

    It would be swell if Kirk Cameron was teaching Banana 101 right next to her.

    Hell, it would be even sweller if both these lessons were being given by mimes.

  43. Extemporanus

    Keep the non-stop string of sexxxy stories comin', Wonkette…I'm almost there!

    FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP!

  44. The_Great_Gazoo

    Colorado can now replace all "Keep Out" signs with pictures of sphincters. And "Exit" signs with pictures of anuses.

  45. Blendergoathead

    Well, given the choice between buttsecks and eliminating collective bargaining for public employees, at least Colorado picked the buttsecks. Hurrah!

  46. aguacatero

    The editing of the video doesn't allow us to know whether her reference to Stalin is intended to be negative — perhaps because of the Man of Steel's notorious coddling of homosexuals — or positive (because of his role in building the Koch fortune).

  47. mumbly_joe

    So, here's my issue: the line in that sacred book of ghost stories that is interpreted as saying "no butt-fucking" is the part that says you shouldn't lie with a man the same as you would with a woman, right?

    I'm asking, because if people like this nutcase are so sure ladies don't do ass fucking, then how is it actually a sin, come to think of it?

    Also, while we're on the topic of SRS THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS, is it really "spilling your seed upon the earth" if your partner swallows? What if you spill your seed upon their chest? Is that okay?

    Oh, and one last question: why would any God worthy of veneration and respect be so fucking obsessed with where we put our genitals and whom we let touch them, rather than, say, with making sure we're all decent people to each other?

  48. XOhioan

    A sphincter is supposed to keep shit inside until it is appropriate to release it. Now I know that Colorado senate committee hearings are a good place to do that.

  49. Tommmcatt

    Baby, the anus IS an entrance when I am involved. You should be so lucky, by the way.

  50. andrewdrinker

    I had to go stare at the cover of the April 2011 issue of Glamour (Kate Winslet!) in order to try to erase everything that had entered my mind while watching that video and reading all of your comments.

    Kate's doing her best, but it's just not erasing everything.

    1. CalamityJames

      It seems rather obvious that you are a married man, or perhaps you have an unhealthy fascination with the Lady Winslet. Either way, talking about some old's lack of butt sechs is probably the closest you'll get to luvin' teh muffin'. I weep for you. While I have butt sechs.

  51. Ducksworthy

    So. The mouth is the entrance. And the anus is the exit. That Long Dong Silver must be truly extraordinary, Mrs. Shitflie.

  52. ttommyunger

    The only thing more embarrassing than being the buttsecks lady would be sitting as a member of her audience; but then they were all politicians, so they're immune to the embarrassment thingy, right? I'll bet her Bridge Club thinks she is just the Cat's Meow, though. Brave lady. Now please haul your wrinkled pee-crusted snatch back to your McMansion and change your husband's diaper, he's starting to stink.

  53. BTWBFDIMHO

    The anus is not an entrance. It is an exit.
    And, if the 2012 elections were held today, Santorum would lead all the exit polls.

  54. JoeBiteme

    I'm sure her grandkids are thrilled that she was speaking for herself AND them. Nothing smooths out those rocky pubescent years like your grandmother testifying before the state legislature about santorum…

  55. zappadoo76

    This is actually the clearest, most succinct explanation of HIV anal sex transmission I have ever heard. Rosina Kovar (that's her name) for President of Anuses!

  56. jim89048

    This old woman would succumb to the vapors if she ever googled Faye Kane.
    You're welcome, btw.

  57. UW8316154

    I'm withholding any comment until I find out what Sarah Palin thinks about buttsechs.

  58. Gleem_McShineys

    The old lady is totally correct. It isn't an entrance, because you aren't STAYING THERE FOREVER, just for a little while.

    Thanks for the clarification, Granny Futtbuckz!

  59. PublicLuxury

    I like her wig. It makes me think of Newt, Mittens and John Ensign in one thought.

  60. PublicLuxury

    Is there a line for butt secks? I'm always in the wrong line at the DMV so I want to make sure I'm in the right line.

  61. neiltheblaze

    I bet this woman has started every sexual encounter with her husband with "We're doing this to have a kid, right?"

  62. Negropolis

    Does this hag not know that the human body can eat from both ends? This old bat needs to get hip to the stylings of Enema Man

  63. TheMeatmaker

    Actually, the sphincter's more there to hold things in, not to keep them out. So maybe she just favors sex in the but of you squeeze hard and leave it in a long, long time?

  64. ThGr8Communic8r

    Tee-hee-hee-heee … She said, "I don't think we should go down that road." … Now that's FUNNY!!!

    1. mourningnmerica

      Finally. 200 comments before anyone even mentioned the funniest line in the whole (hole) thing. I salute you.

Comments are closed.