why you should only sleep with crazy teabaggers

Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described

Quickcrete.Congratulations to Lillian McEwen, that woman who was finally able to overcome years of terrible embarrassment about having sex with Clarence Thomas to write a book about it. D.C. Unmasked & Undressed is the title of this newly released memoir, because the people who write tell-all memoirs are weirdly terrible at this part of marketing. Obviously this book should be entitled What Clarence Thomas’ Dick Looks Like and How He Uses It, as that’s the only reason why anyone would buy it. Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts? Like “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.” What?

McEwen gushes over Thomas’ prowess and “fantasy [package],” describing his body as “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

He was a “national treasure,” she said, one she shared with other women in ménages à trois and in a voyeuristic pleasure palace. And she described her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.”

Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it. And then we will have to kill ourselves, because why are we thinking about Clarence Thomas’ boner? This is all gross. [AFRO]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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162 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "He was a “national treasure,” "
    Can we put him on permanent display in the Smithsonian?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Apparently we'll need to put a bit of extra space between his crotch and the glass.

  2. ifthethunderdontgetya

    …with a “strong interest in pornography.”

    Not to mention, thinking same goes better with Coke™.

    Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it.

    I'm thinking of a number greater than zero…
    ~

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Wow! We thought Ginny was pissed at Anita Hill. Me thinks Lillian is going to be getting more than a phone call from Ginny…maybe a horse head or severed body part.

    "…her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.” Guess that's how he's managed to stay married to Ginny for so long.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Seriously. Screw you, Jack. It's Mardi Gras. I'm supposed to be out there consuming my weight in pancakes and bourbon and now all I wanna do is puke and then roll into the fetal position. You couldn't have waited one day? ONE DAY? This would have made the Ash Wednesday fasting so much easier…

  4. GuyClinch

    "Strong interest in pornography". Finally, something wonketteers and Clarence have in common!

    1. jqheywood

      Of course he has a strong interest in pornography.… How can he know it when he sees it if he hasn't seen it all?

  5. ablington

    Awww, my eyeballs just pushed themselves out of their skull sockets and rolled at top speed toward the paper shredder. Come back, eyeballs, come back! There's more Clarence Thomas porn to read!!

  6. MozakiBlocks

    It's currently taking every ounce of self-control I have not to begin projectile vomiting.

    I think I need to lie down.

  7. Captain_Quark

    Velvet-covered cement: now there's a fetish for you. Although Velveeta-covered cement is probably even weirder.

  8. baconzgood

    "Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?"

    Why do you dislike us so much Jack?

  9. BarackMyWorld

    I want Thomas off the court as much as anyone, but proving perjury at this point isn't worth it. You might also be opening the doors to reliving the Lewinski scandal (which conservatives will argue was EXACTLY LIKE the Thomas/Hill scandal).

    1. Preferred Customer

      You know, until I read this thread, I used to think that there was nothing in the world I wanted to think about less than Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Boy, was I wrong.

  10. freakishlywrong

    I'd have preferred if her sex history with Clarence had been titled; Unknown & Unknown

  11. widestanceroman

    I thought her book was called, 'Blown and Unblown.' [thanks, I'll be here all week, etc.]

    That's one hell of a phrase, velvet-covered cement, but we've all seen his face before.

    What I want to know is if he's as quiet in bed as he is at work.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          I'm not totally convinced Bristol knows what causes babies with her mom constantly babbling about gifts from Jesus, etc. She probably just thinks she needs to stay away from spicy food or some stork knocked her up immaculately in her sleep.

    1. Negropolis

      I was thinking the same thing. And "a strong interest in pornography"? Is there any other kind of interest if you're in to pornography?

  12. Come here a minute

    coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.

    What the fuck is "yada yada yada"-ed out by the ellipsis?

    Never mind, I'm sure I don't want to know.

  13. Barbara_i

    Yuck, "coffee bean" I need a Silkwood shower now and a latte of brain bleach to get this image out of my head.

  14. SorosBot

    Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew….

  15. Terry

    I think McEwan and Ginny Thomas need to appear together on Montel to discuss this whole matter.

  16. Hatrabbit

    Thanks Wonkette. If anyone needs me I'll be in the kitchen, scrubbing my brain with steel wool.

  17. LabRodent

    Really! I'll be in the Lab drinking random beakers of foamy shit until i get that image out of my head.

  18. CapeClod

    You can fight all these unwanted images by imagining you are covering Thomas with cement, laying velvet over it and standing on the spot while drinking a cup of coffee.

    And if anyone prints a porno tell-all about Newt Gingrich, I will tell you up front that WE DO NOT WANT!!!

  19. mavenmaven

    I think a conservative think tank conference co-hosted by Thomas and Ross Douthat is in order. Moderated by Bristol Palin.

    1. Negropolis

      WWJD, what would Juan do?

      What would he say? Well "Would you like to see a donkey show?"

    1. tessiee

      "Look at the other justices. Now back to me."

      [small voice]
      I'm sorry, Old Spice Guy. I'm really sorry. Call me.

  20. hagajim

    Thanks Jack…if anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom passing some coffee bean velvet colored cement….or what I like to call a Clarence.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Double thanks, actually. My doctor wants me to take a med called Maloxicam for my back. One of the side effects is "excrement like ground coffee". The "coffee bean velvet colored cement" comment pushed me back to the ibuprofin/ice side of the field.

  21. MinAgain

    You know what's wrong with that picture of Justice Thomas? The eyes don't follow you around the room.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    Ms. McEwen also said that things got bad between them when Clarence stopped drinking. Nothing good ever comes from stopping drinking.

    Just look at GWB.

  23. DoktorZoom

    Long Dong Thomas: Legally Debriefed

    Deep Injunction

    Amicus Curiae Benefactum (Friend of the Court With Benefits)

    I am Curious (Coffee Bean)

    If It Pleasures The Court

    1. GuyClinch

      "If It Pleasures the Court"

      Have you any idea how many internal organs I just ruptured trying not to alarm the whole quiet office with quaking laughter? Anyhow, WIN

      1. MozakiBlocks

        The only upside to being unemployed is reading Wonkette in the privacy of my own home and laughing like a baboon on a three day nitrous oxide bender.

    2. tessiee

      Um… bang that gavel… um… and you fuckin girls thought my gavel was big…
      I got nothin' here.

  24. Blendergoathead

    Oh, for fuck's sake. Jack, was this really necessary? Those of us on the west coast are barely awake (and slightly hung over), and you throw this in our faces? Jesus.

  25. Gopherit

    A national treasure? Maybe we can put his dick on the other end of the reflecting pool…..right in front of Honest Abe…..just looking down, confounded on the two phallic symbols of our great country.

  26. Jerri

    Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?

    Bleh. You couldn't have waited to post this until after International Women's Day?

  27. BornInATrailer

    Who knew I'd be pining for those screechy hateful Muslim protest videos so quickly?

  28. Preferred Customer

    I believe that there already is one, actually. I think it is called Dark Justice. I cannot google this to confirm, because I do not want to be fired instantaneously.

    I will now retreat into a lengthy period of atonement for a) living in a world where someone has made a Clarence Thomas porno, and b) knowing the title of said porno. I wish things were different. I really do.

    1. DixieWrecked

      I can't find a reference to it, so less atonement for you. Or more atonement, since you imagined it.

    2. Gorillionaire

      You are correct. None other than Sean Michaels portrays the great SCOTUS icon. I would tell you some of the snappy dialogue but I probably watched it with the sound off.

  29. Extemporanus

    To everyone who read my comment about this last night and completely emptied their stomach of its contents before reading about it again this morning, I have but one thing to say:

    You're welcome.

  30. Tundra Grifter

    Just who does Lillian McEwen think she is, Jessica Cutler?

    Without all the drugs, of course…

  31. Buckminster

    "coffee bean…velvet covered cement?"
    This is why most people should forget about erotic writing. They simply suck at it.

  32. ttommyunger

    He may not be speaking much, but I know what he's thinking: "I have a lifetime appointment, motherfuckers, suck on that!"

  33. DaSandman

    So is that why Ginny is so bat shit crazy. She's being slowly fucked to death by Justice Coffee Bean…

  34. fuflans

    that lead-in header should read:

    'why you should only the title of this post and never ever read the content.'

  35. walterhwhite

    Thomas' body is like "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

    I think she got his body confused with his brain.

  36. JackDempsey1

    Kudos to Judge Thomas and his performance, which has been positively likened to "National Treasure."
    This contrasts nicely to the movie title that the describes the typical sexual performance of his fellow male Americans, "The Fast and the Furious."

  37. mrblifil

    However randy he may be, he's not much fun at a gang bang. While the other 8 dudes go to town, his willie just sits there in flaccid quietude.

  38. tessiee

    Now all we need is for the audio version of the book, to be read in a "Love Master"/Barry White type voice.

  39. PalinPussyPower

    Pics or it didn't happen, lady. Also too, you'll be hearing from Ginny any minute now.

    1. SorosBot

      Any day now? Nah, she'll be getting an angry drunk dial from Ginny in about twenty years.

  40. natoslug

    There must be a simpler way to write that he was highly toxic to be around — like a bag of cement, and hung like a cofee bean — small, misshapen and best if tossed in a grinder. Oh wait, there it is.

  41. Passionphd

    Jurisimprudence?

    Or perhaps an educational video, "A SCOTUS guide to discharging your caseload"

  42. PubOption

    The third person would have to be Scalia. Otherwise Thomas wouldn't know what he is supposed to do.

  43. Extemporanus

    Twelve Angry Inches

    Oral Arguments

    The Juror's Box

    The Legal Anal-ist

    Brown-Eye Object

    The Peephole's Court

    Legally Boned

    The Verdick

    Judge Judy

    Oh wait, one more:

    Just Ass Clarence Thomas

  44. Rotundo_

    I don't know-since he is usually quiet and decorous about things he may be quite the yodeler when in flagrante. He might not have much to say on the bench, but in the sack, he probably fires off some shit that would even shock our not too delicate sensibilities.
    Eww.

  45. ChessieNefercat

    This reminds me of a story a co-worker told me about really expensive coffee. Hmm, yes, yes, the google confirms that the priciest coffee available is made from beans pooped out by weasel-like animals called civet cats.

    Poop, coffee beans, weasel-like, all the essential elements of a Clarence Thomas sex story.

  46. PublicLuxury

    Makes me hungry.

    Chocolate covered cum filled . . . coffee? cookie? Ah hell, you decide.

  47. Blendergoathead

    Looking back at today's trauma, I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this…

    … it could've been worse. It could've been Scalia.

  48. imissopus

    This is by far the most disgusting, whimper-inducing, makes-me-want-to-claw-my-eyes-out thread we've had on Wonkette in a long time. Well done, all.

  49. XOhioan

    I'm thinking about other Justices in a whole new way:
    cappuccino naugahyde-covered drywall
    marshmallow velour-covered fibrofil
    banana dupioni-covered synthetic down

  50. Worthly Wokette Skum

    … describing his body brain as “a coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

Comments are closed.