eminemt domain

Alan Simpson Decries Grandchildren These Days, ‘Enema Man’

As everyone knows, high-profile old people Alan Simpson and Erskine Bowles have the ear of America. Their debt commission came up with a brilliant winning solution that is being implemented now, and everyone pays attention to them and their opinions on current twenty-first century society. For example, what is the problem with grandchildren and their Enema Man and their Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog? The least grandchildren could do is send Alan Simpson a thank-you note for his generation of politicians ruining the country forever.

The reason grandchildren keep their pants so low, of course, is so it’s easier for the federal government to fuck them.

“The sinful nature of the discourse is ‘cutting’ Social Security,” [Simpson] said. “We’re not cutting Social Security – we’re trying to make the stuff solvent for 75 years! And young people say, ‘Well, I know there won’t be anything there for me; I’m not worried about it.’ Well, I tell ya, when you waddle up to the window at 65 and you put 6.2 percent of all your jack in that thing, you’re gonna want something back!”

Wait a second, Alan, you’re saying Social Security is going to completely run out of money and offer no services but the government is still going to fund Social Security Administration offices just to be cruel? Actually, yeah, probably, they would do that.

Grandchildren of America, Alan Simpson is trying to help you keep your jacks. You don’t want to lose your jacks! Team up with him and pretend you have political power and can take on current politicians / whiny Baby Boomers. Hustle n’ waddle. [Po’o]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Beowoof

      I am pretty sure that at Alan's age an intimate connection with an enema is established daily.

  1. GuanoFaucet

    So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Gimme five bees for a quarter, they’d say.

    1. V572625694

      Finally looked that up and learned it was Grandpa Simpson. Now if only someone would explain "T".

      1. Barbara_i

        You mean when someone here post "T" as a response? One day Palin twittered one letter "T" and a shitlode of people reyweeted it like it was something noteworthy.

          1. Thurman Munster IV

            This is like the Prince Valiant comic. Every few months they do a recap just in case you missed something during the past 80 years of nothing happening.


      2. GuanoFaucet

        No one can explain the meaning of "T". It's one of life's mysteries, you know, like the tides.

    2. TanzbodenKoenig

      "it was nineteen dickety seven, they called it dickety cause the Kaiser stole the teen!"

      1. MarshallBanana

        No, no! The Kaiser stole the word "twenty". "Teen" was already taken by George "Goober" Lindsey.

  2. Beowoof

    Sure keep it solvent with out raising the taxes those poor rich people pay. I know that when you have to pay your taxes or buy a new G4 that the G4 should win every time and it helps supply union jobs.

  3. freakishlywrong

    The reason grandchildren keep their pants so low, of course, is so it’s easier for the federal government to fuck them.

    Best fucking line? Or best fucking line eva?

  4. Ducksworthy

    So the plan is still to eliminate taxation on all the now-pretty-much-all-Chinese-owned corporations and the top 1% of wealth holders who were smart enough to sell the US to the Chinese and then to pauperize the middle class to give them more money? OK, Same Old Same Old then

  5. baconzgood

    Did he actually talk about backward hats and baggy pants? WTF? When's the last time he actually looked at a kid 1992? Baggy pants? These kids listening to thier "To Ligit' To Quit" and that band Warrent.

      1. baconzgood

        I havn't seen anyone sport the sag for 2 decades. All the people who did sport it are now in thier mid 30s.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Ugh. Come visit my little backwater town. You still have 15 year old white boys slouching around, big pants falling down, long chrome chains dangling, hat-backwards, looking like total idiots, calling each other "cholo" or "dawg".

          It's even stupider than when I was in highschool in the late '70s when the "greaser" look came back for about 2 weeks.

          1. MarshallBanana

            Somebody should convince them that the new trend is zoot suits, and they should be calling each other "daddio". That would be "the bee's knees".

    1. SorosBot

      Better than that; with the Snoopy Snoop Poop Dogg and "enema man", he's made complaints about not getting thank-you notes, modern fashion and modern music that's actually ten years old. Are we sure Simpson is not Dana Carvey reviving his Grumpy Old Man SNL character?

      1. bflrtsplk

        Alan Simpson is Bart and Lisa's illegitimate gay half-brother who was sent to live "with relatives."

    2. freakishlywrong

      Again, best line ever:

      The reason grandchildren keep their pants so low, of course, is so it’s easier for the federal government to fuck them.

  6. SorosBot

    At 65? The age is already raised to 67 for anyone who won't be eligible for Social Security soon, Reagan did that; and these dipshits want to raise it to 70 except for the current olds and near-olds. Aside from that, can anyone translate the rest of "when you waddle up to the window at 65 and you put 6.2 percent of all your jack in that thing, you’re gonna want something back!” from Old to English? "of your jack", what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

    1. V572625694

      Allow me to translate in the kind of unbearably condescending voice ex-Senator Simpson would use:

      If you had an elitist W2-style "job" you'd know that Uncle Simpson takes 6.2% of your income up to $100K or so to contribute to the non-existent Social Security trust fund. Your law-abiding employer would contribute the other 6.2%. This is called "FICA" for unknowable reasons. They also take 1.5% for the Medicare they hope you'll die before you qualify for, unless Rand Paul converts it to a system of worthless vouchers. Your employer would match that too. So your effective tax rate on the first dollar you earn is 15.4%. Whereas the tax on what we no longer are allowed to call "unearned income" (dividends and interest) is a job-destroying 15%. Do you see how unfair this is to the coupon-clipping set?

      You're welcome!

      1. SorosBot

        I still don't understand what "waddle up to the window" and "percent of your jack" are supposed to mean. Seriously, jack is a proper name, a tool for changing a tire, and a kind of old-time toy; what the fuck is it supposed to mean in this context?

        1. V572625694

          It’s Assplain-It Day on Wonket! As I recall it, “jack” was, like “simoleans” or “do-re-mi,” a colloquialism for money. “The window” here reflects Simpson’s apparent misconception that Soshecurity recipients must go to some government office, probably the Post Office, to get their monthly payment.It’s been while since Alan has lived among the serfs and proles.

          1. SorosBot

            Someone should tell Alan that the Post Office makes deliveries these days. Jack for money is one I've never heard before.

            Luckily for him he was on Fox, where most viewers will be familiar with slang from the 1890s.

      2. tessiee

        "This is called "FICA" for unknowable reasons."

        Federally Increased Cash Abstraction"?

    2. freakishlywrong

      It means; "Thanks for putting all your money in for all those years expecting horrible old goblins such as ourselves to actually honor such a contract. You're all fucked. Now go die, and die quickly".

    3. Cicada

      I just can't get that worked up about raising the age cap. 70 actually makes sense, given current lifespans. The average retirement age is 67 in the US already. My parents are both planning on working as long as possible, and my great aunt just retired from her job at age 72. She had the option of retiring at 65 with a full pension (yay unions!), but she didn't want to.

      It would be nice if all of the boomers would retire earlier and make room in the job market for us younger folks, but I don't think that's going to happen unless SS pays a whole hell of a lot better than it does currently. Also, thanks to modern medicine those broken hips aren't killing them off like they used to. Damn you, science!

      ETA: I'm upfisting everyone because of the lurking panty sniffer. Ironically, that guy is probably causing pee-score inflation overall. Keep it up, trolly! I want to reach those sweet, sweet triple digits.

      1. SorosBot

        Lifespans have only increased for the upper class since the 1950s; for the middle and working lass, they've been stagnant. Similarly, people retire at 67 from desk jobs; people in physically intensive work usually have to retire much earlier. Raising the retirement age completely fucks over the working class who most need Social Security.

      2. tessiee

        "It would be nice if all of the boomers would retire earlier and make room in the job market for us younger folks, but I don't think that's going to happen unless SS pays a whole hell of a lot better than it does currently."

        Or if companies got the bright idea of laying off people when they get close to retirement age… oh, wait, that's already happening.

        1. Cicada

          This is another way unions are helpful. But hey, the Wall Street Journal says unions are obsolete so what the fuck do I know?

      3. GOPCrusher

        My father retired at 59 1/2 and is currently approaching 71. He was a union machinist that worked for a Canadian owned firm that was smart enough to know that when you sign a contract promising a pension for your employees, that meant you don't use the money to invest in garbage technologies or give yourself a bonus and then complain that the union is driving you out of business.

      4. Rotundo_

        A lovely thought if you have had the good fortune to work in something other than manufacturing, construction, or other labor intensive occupations where you are essentially a husk by the time you slide under the wire at 65 and croak a few years later. For those who have done manual labor for those years 67 is a stretch and 70 just won't happen. Might as well hand them a pistol with a round chambered and say Here's your retirement plan asshole and let them pop a round through their noggin.

    1. Rotundo_

      Alan is ten times the asshole Bill is on his worst day. Bill can at least honestly say he *was* funny.

    1. Rotundo_

      Visual cues: Get up and look in the mirror and see shit. Rinse lather repeat for how many decades. He should go back to Wyoming and start kicking his barn cats in the ass and bitching about kids these days in a quieter locale.

  7. trampndirtdown

    Brave brave Alan Simpson bravely suggests raising the eligibility requirements for his grandchildren. Because you know if he suggested raising requirements immediately the teatard army would send in the attack rascal's.
    Edit; I almost forgot fuck Neil Cavuto in his fat face.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Exactly. Start with the CURRENT recipients, then, maybe, I'd accept that you actually had a pair.

  8. Captain_Quark

    Enema man did make a great commercial for Chrysler.

    Imported from Detroit, yo!
    Enema man gonna make you go!
    You gonna catch what Detroit pitch!
    Learn to be this Chrysler's bitch!
    You gonna take it in the ass an like it!
    Automotive enema, no more bike shit!

  9. PublicLuxury

    Cute. I just love when the really olds try to use 21st century lingo. They sound so silly. They're just so cute at that age.

    1. DonnyKerabotsos

      Yeah, adorable. Alan Simpson sounds like he's been surfing on the intertubes again.

  10. PublicLuxury

    I didn't know that Alan SImpson was a Pedobear! You must pay attention when the Pedobear talks of fucking your grandchildren.

  11. LabRodent

    If he would have said WU TANG then and only then would i have given him a pass. The olds gotta luv em.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      A shout-out to those hep cats all groovin' to that smooth Sam Cooke would have been appreciated.

  12. An_Outhouse

    The AARP has found its spokesman -at least until McCain retires and is available. They put the Old in GOP.

  13. BarackMyWorld

    My thoughts on the deficit commission: Anyone advocating tax cuts to balance the federal budget shouldn't be listened to.

    1. Cicada

      Oh you crazy liberal! Don't you know that tax cuts for the wealthy summon the Debt Fairy, who sprinkles magic job dust all over the land? Look how well it has worked for the last decade!

  14. Doktor Avalanche

    Between 'Enema Man' and 'Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog' I'm wondering if Grampa Simpson didn't write that Walmart shopping list. Sure, it looked like illiteracy but it could be senility.

  15. DashboardBuddha

    We were white, privileged old men who mocked younger people for not trusting us with their money while we rat-fucked them…and we liked it!

  16. SorosBot

    I do wonder if there's some projection of personal issues in Alan's claim that most old people hate their grandchildren today.

    1. HuddledMass

      So what is it with metamarcisf and his/her/its permanent p-score of -113?

      Is it a special dispensation from Ken instead of the banhammer? Or is it like the tides that no one can understand … ?

      1. SorosBot

        His low P comes from commenting on Breibart; why it has been going down so slowly is up to the mysterious ways of the P calculations.

  17. hagajim

    grandchildren keep their pants so low, of course, is so it’s easier for the federal government to fuck them

    And they do the Enema man – so they'll not get any poopy on Uncle Sam when he's screwing them.

  18. Troubledog

    Actually, I like Alan Simpson. He's funny and witty and has some balls. Even if he's perpetuating the misconception that Social Security is some kind of personal savings account where you put your own money in and take your own money out. Those are called IRAs. Social Security was never intended to work that way.

    And 6.2 percent? He must be smoking Dutch cleanser. When you combine the "entitlement funding" deductions, it's 7.65 percent on the first $106K of annual income.

    For those of us unfortunate / stupid / ignorant enough to be self-employed it's worse. Idiots like me, who are allegedly the backbone of the American economy. We get to pay double that. We get to pay 15.3%. They call it a "self-employment tax" but of course it's just me picking up the half normally paid by the employer.

    Revenue based problems can only be fixed in two ways. You increase revenue, and/or you decrease expenditures. So, in this case, raising that cap from $106K to, say, to $250,000 – wow, everything is fixed forever, boom, end of story.

    But as that would be an effective tax increase of 7.65 percent on all employers with employees that make between $106K and $250K, it's simply taboo. So they decrease expenditures by raising the retirement age, capping COLAs, and other silliness, which will ultimately end up in a default situation.

    At that point there will be pressure for the government to step in and fund it from general revenues. Expect a civil war. Nobody wants to take care of their own aged relatives, and when gramma and grampa have to move in with you, it makes you think maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to have the wealthy pay a little more.

    The fix is to raise the ceiling. Or hipsters like Alan Simpson might call it "raising da roof yo".

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Don't forget means testing. It just chaps my hide that rich fuckers like Alan Simpson get SS benefits. I don't care if they put money in, if they're rich, they should be happy and forgo the SS bennies. Just like me contributing my taxes for schools. My kid is out, but paying for other kids makes life here a bit better for me.

      1. SorosBot

        The problem with means testing is that if the rich and upper middle class didn't receive Social Security benefits it would be a lot more politically feasible to cut benefits or even eliminate the program entirely. I say eliminate the $106K cap and make the rich pay their fair share.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          The other problems with means testing are (1) it makes the whole deal more complicated than it already is — how often do you re-evaluate the "means"? What are the limits? Welcome to loophole city.

          (2) There aren't that many folks who would fail a means test, unless you set the bar really low (of course, that would never happen). If you excluded, say, 5% of recipients, you might cut expenditures by 7%. If you excluded 10%, I guarantee you'd be cutting out people for whom SS is non-negligible.

  19. DustBowlBlues

    Fuck old fucks and Republicans. I've got to ruin my own Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, by serving a fund raising chili dinner at church to raise money to pay for the nutrition site to feed the old fucks that voted for the fucking Republics in the first place and I've got to do it among fucking Republics who went on an anti-union screed last night and I'm waiting to go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if I've got something deadly going on inside me (and will probably just have to go to a specialist anyway so I still won't know if I'm dying of whatever) and I VOTED FOR DEMOCRATS, GDAMMIT so why the fuck do I have to go help these people?

    It's a rainy gloomy day and as a Democrat who thinks taxes should be paid and defense should be slashed and the wars (and war funding) should be ended and who votes that way I should have the right to stay home in the gloom and feel sorry for myself and worry about my doctor's appointment tonorrow.

    Which is why there is no justice. And it's a bitch being a Christian. And I could stay on wonkette all day and continue my pity-whore commenting, but NO! I have to go make up for teabagger stupidity.

    The end.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Hey — sorry about the doctor thing. You have my good wishes and thoughts and prayers, etc. And you are spot-on correct about the 'Baggers who are really screwing up life for the decent Christians (especially when the 'Baggers believe that they really ARE being all Christian-y). It kinda makes you wanna go all un-Christian-y and throttle the living daylights out of them. But, alas, no. Hope the event tonight goes well. Sorry for lack of snark…

    2. jim89048

      The small valley town I live in is frequently referred to as "Little Oklahoma", so I know a bit about your social surroundings. Also being able to watch your dog run away for 3 days due to flat, featureless topography. And I have a doc's appointment tomorrow to have a look at abnormalities in a test of my naughty bits. Solidarity!

    3. Rotundo_

      You are in our thoughts and prayers, Do know that by going out and doing something to make it better, you are a better person. The people in the trenches out there are always the ones I am in awe of. Anyone can scribble out a check and walk away, but the people who amaze me are the ones busting their asses at dinners, bake sales, clothing drives, stuffing envelopes that make things happen. Thank you for helping feed people, some of whom may be idiots, but for helping feed the idiots too.

    4. An_Outhouse

      You just described my life. I would say 'fuck the olds' but that makes me nauseous to think about. Instead we make nutritious meals for them because we like to cook. Also, we're going to heaven and they're not. Also.

  20. mumbly_joe

    So, I guess this answers the Sara's question about what she should ask Snoop Dogg about, tomorrow.

  21. mumbly_joe

    So the way to "save" Social Security is to raise the retirement age so much that the poors, who only live a whopping one year longer than they did in 1929, never live long enough to collect. Am I understanding that right? I'm sure changing social security so that most of the poeple who would need it most die before they're eligable is not the same as what Simpson is depicting here, and not the same to such a degree that it could be considered a "baldfaced fucking lie", by some.

    1. Rotundo_

      Why yes, that would be it. Rich well connected former senator advocates for fucking the poor, film at eleven.

  22. The_Great_Gazoo

    "Douche Yourself"
    By Enema Man

    You better douche yourself to the music, the moment
    You own it, you better hold it to you let it go
    Take one shot, two shots, but do not miss your chance to blow
    This opportunity comes once you let the douchebag flow

    The shit's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
    This crap is mine for the taking
    Make me clean, as I move toward a new low-flow toilet
    It only grows harder, only grows hotter
    He blows it all over…

  23. GregComlish

    Yeah I remember Enema Man. He was huge during that late-nineties sodomy craze. Course, E.M. never would have made it big if it weren't for the trailblazers like "Public Enema" and "Niggers with Analfixation"

    "Yo Sodomize the Police!"

  24. ttommyunger

    Alan Simpson must be smart, he's been a grifter from day one and avoided not only prosecution, but public detection. Too bad he's such a fucking douchenozzle.

  25. Buckminster

    All because he never got a thank you for that crappy sweater? Why does this old man hate the children?

  26. mavenmaven

    Eminem and Snoop Dog? I guess his grandchildren must be white kids living in Long Island.

  27. tessiee

    "Wait a second, Alan, you’re saying Social Security is going to completely run out of money and offer no services but the government is still going to fund Social Security Administration offices just to be cruel? Actually, yeah, probably, they would do that."

    Quite the quandary Alan is posing here. He's guessing that the government is going to do something that inconveniences a lot of people and makes absolutely no sense… OK… *but doesn't benefit the richest 1% to the detriment of everybody else*?? I for one am baffled.

  28. Gold_ManSacks

    I am proposing a constitutional amendment that would forbid anybody over 60 from being elected to public office and all people over 80 be put down to save the children.

  29. bumfug

    "Back in my day we didn't have enemas. Oh, no, we had to shove a garden hose up our ass and it hurt! But not as bad having it licked out of our bunghole by a poop-dog."

  30. Negropolis

    The reason grandchildren keep their pants so low, of course, is so it’s easier for the federal government to fuck them.

    Truer words have never been spoken. You ain't never lied, Wonkette. "The easier to fuck you with, my dear", indeed, Little Wonk Riding-in-the-Hood.

    BTW, I'd not at all be surprised to find that there is already a rapper named Enema Man.

  31. Negropolis

    I can't believe we have to listen to these guys because, supposedly, where about to be incinerated by a debt bomb. Everybody panic! I just love Republicans, if it's not an existential external threat they just shift it to a domestic one. We'll be back to terrorism before you know it.

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