america's greatest eunuch

Creepy Nerd Ross Douthat Gets All Horny Over Idea of Monogamy

'Like the shy one, at some orgy ...'For some reason, the New York Times employs a weird boy-child who is utterly obsessed with the sex he never gets to have — and this guilt-plagued onanist writes his embarrassing tripe on the op-ed page, where adults are supposed to write about World Events or whatever. (Why do we subscribe to the NYT, again? Oh right, we don’t.) So, here is orc-nerd Ross Douthat shaving his hairy palms again so he can type more horny wingnut drivel about how some people who have sex somewhere may be having sex in a way that now suits Ross Douthat.

Ugh, why is Douthat paid to write about people having sex? Probably just to drive us bonkers, the same way David Brooks is paid to write about “what’s cool” and Thomas Friedman is paid to type about the round flat world that baffles him unless he’s golfing. Douthat should really be put in a special home for this particular unseemly obsession with people who manage to find other people to hump on:

But there are different kinds of premarital sex. There’s sex that’s actually pre-marital, in the sense that it involves monogamous couples on a path that might lead to matrimony one day. Then there’s sex that’s casual and promiscuous, or just premature and ill considered.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, shut up and stop masturbating on everybody, again. Time to re-read The Hobbit for the twelfth time this year, so far! [NYT]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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135 comments

  1. Steverino247

    It's a dangerous business, Ross, going out your door. So, go back inside and jerk off some more.

  2. V572625694

    I'll bet that one girl who laughed at Ross for not being able to get it up that time at Harvard is sorry now.

  3. EdFlintstone

    "Casual and promiscuous or premature and ill considered", sounds like Sarah and Bristol's alternate twitter names.

  4. fusillijerry

    I don't understand the bigger concepts. I will try in the early morning. But look at this:

    "Then there’s sex that’s casual and promiscuous, or just premature and ill considered."

    I say, teach about and enable birth control. Without unwanted outcomes, this idjit's commentary will be increasingly viewed as hysterical and irrelevant.

    1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

      I'm getting the 'never passed the anal stage of childhood development' and 'aroused by dead bodies' vibes from him.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      He looks like an Eagle Scout I knew, once. An Eagle Scout with a penchant for supporting Republican policy in high-school, only to turn into an "anarcho-syndicalist" with an hankering for on-the-job larceny (stealing medium-end electronics, mostly) for personal use.

      Basically, then, no difference. Just a slight tweaking of the ideology he cited to justify his malfeasance. (From Gingrich to Chomsky.)

  5. bagofmice

    His kind of premarital sex was the Right kind of premarital sex. Not like those Harvard sluts.

  6. ShaveTheWhales

    So there's known pre-marital sex, and known non-pre-marital sex, and unknown non-marital sex, and

    Oh fuck it.

  7. harry_palmer

    The guy can't admit that a girl's biscuit grosses him out, and the sister of the dude he had a crush on told all his friends, so he tried to humiliate her in the Atlantic. Or, he's just a douche hat.

    But I wish you could have found another expression than "Ross Douthat shaving his hairy palms" – my avatar feels tainted.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Ross Douthat just longs for the day when he wasn't the only virgin in the room. So dear young people: don't listen to idiots like ol' Ross here, and be smart about sex, but have as much with as many partners as you care to. Really, if you're going to listen to Douthat about sexual mores, you may as well go completely over the cliff and start taking advice from the pope.

    1. trampndirtdown

      Careful man the troll is enamored with either the NYT, Douhat, or possibly non-partner sex. At any rate he doesn't like your comments any.
      On second thought maybe he's just into fisting.

      1. Iam_Who_Iam

        Dammit, I wanted to read that but the link won't work. Is it me or is your linky thing broken? Whatever, now I'm probably doomed to hell cuz I totally thought it was cool to for us married folk to enjoy sex.

          1. thebeatgoeson08

            Holy Bologna. What a bunch of crap. You just know he gets off thinking about naughty married people indulging in lustful sex acts. Must spend a lot of time in confession!
            He is describing the sex life of about .00001% of married Catholics. And of course, the views of Catholics who can't get laid (Kathryn Jean Lopez).

          2. MsQuasimodo

            Funny. I used to use the same arguments against my alcoholic, sociopathic ex-husband when he raped me and sodomized me regularly. Those arguments didn't sway, him, either, but the eventual divorce and me moving across the country to get away from him did. Also, stopping being catholic helped, too. Witches rule!

  9. smokefilledroommate

    He looks like a human fart. He really does. And I don't want to read about the sexual non-quests of a fart.

  10. glamourdammerung

    My understanding is that Ross Douthat is a Catholic. Good thing the Catholic Church has not had any sort of long, ongoing scandals of a sexual nature, especially something worse than anything involving consenting adults, or he would have to write endlessly about it.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, now. I was raised Catholic, and kept my virginity an embarrassingly long time, and I turned out OK.

      So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know what Douchehat's excuse is.

      1. glamourdammerung

        If one writes that criticism of the Church for shielding pedophiles from the law is unfair, they really lack any moral standing to whine about what occurs between consenting adults.

          1. glamourdammerung

            The Protestants are not in the same situation of someone literally being their god's voice who can make a rule with and expect it to be enforced with minimal questioning at most.

          2. zhubajie

            On the contrary, I spent many years in the born-again ghetto. Everyborn-again preacher, esp. the Pentecostals, is even more the Voice ofGod. Remember how Bush claimed God told him to invade Iraq,Afghanistan, etc.?Note that I've given most of religion up. The last time I didanything religious was to burn incense and kowtow to a dragon-god.

          3. glamourdammerung

            Yeah, but the Catholics have a pretty clear hierarchy that is not in present in other Christian sects. While they have some leadership obviously, they simply do not function as a monolithic entity. I am not saying they should not tell their people to lay off the child rape, just pointing out that they do not have a leader with sway over the entire group instead of a church here or there.

          4. zhubajie

            When small-f fascism comes to the US, it'll come in protestantfundamentalist garb. You should fear Pat Robertson, John Hagee, et al.far more than you should Josephy Ratzinger.

          5. glamourdammerung

            Evangelicals are clearly more of a threat to the American system. But that hardly means the Catholics are not an international pedophile enabling ring in their current form.

          6. MsQuasimodo

            I willingly burn incense and say nice things to the dragon-god overlords! At least they leave no doubt when you are being smited with fire.

    2. Wadisay

      I for one would like to see him go down the road of, it's OK for priests to bugger the altar boys if they intend to gay-marry them.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Or the road of "anyone that rapes children is out, period". I fail to see how that could possibly be seen as an extreme or even unreasonable stance.

        1. MsQuasimodo

          Which explains why the church does not even recognize marriage-rape or forced reproduction as crimes against humanity. Because women aren't fully human, and if a woman doesn't want it all the time the way her husband wants it, she is defective and mentally ill. And she is a forced-pregnancy baby machine. Raping children? Meh. They asked for it. It's probably all written down in one of the lesser-known encyclicals or statements regarding the roles of priests and laity. Authoritah!

  11. harry_palmer

    Dear troll,

    Downfisting our comments means you're on the side of the New York Times, which means you support same sex marriage and Obamacare. Now Sarah Palin will never fuck you when you bump into her at CPAC, like you've been fantasizing. Nice going.

  12. Kidneys4Sale

    Ross. Stop wearing your work polo to the bar after you leave the office. Eleventy-Bajillion percent more women (so, at least 3 + a tranny) will jump on you, I promise.

    Much Love.

    Signed,
    A nerd who used to wear many polos, but now several trannies instead.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    Aw, Cardinal Douie is back! I've missed his "more-Helen-Bonham-Carter-than-thou" smirk.

  14. el_donaldo

    The nice thing about Ross is he shows us that once you peel the all that crazy off the conservative movement, what you're left with is a bunch of socially inept weirdos who think sex is icky.

    1. cheaphits

      So they either indulge in the kinkiest, weirded-out sex imaginable for the thrills or have a drawerfull of soggy socks and a chip on their shoulder.

      Or both…or none.

      In any case they sure as hell aren't the ones I want dictating my sex life.

    2. Ducksworthy

      What you're left with is a bunch of socially inept weirdos who think sex with women is icky. Actually, it women, and their women parts, that they think are icky. Little boy parts not so much.

    3. MsQuasimodo

      This applies to conservative catholics, too – I went to a college full of 'em. (shudders at the thought) And strangely enough, a few years after I graduated some of the seminiarians/priests were busted for – wait for it – child molestation.

  15. tbogg

    I'm a fairly happy guy so I've got some leeway when it comes to that "the more sex with other people you have, the more depressed you will become" thing. Is there some kind of meat thermometer I can use to know when it's time to stop?

    1. mereoblivion

      I've got a little red button in the middle of my forehead that pops out when the end is near. Scares people at first but most of them get over it.

    2. MsQuasimodo

      Women just need the thermometer that warns them they are about to screw a loser or douchebag, so STOP NOW.

  16. Mumbletypeg

    Mr. Douthat simply does not care for a good time. Loves pontificatin', wants more domesticatin', but in all likelihood needs a round of old fashioned fornicatin'.

  17. imissopus

    Ross, trust me: being the sensitive, caring guy who is only concerned for the well-being of these young women will not get you laid more.

  18. imissopus

    Could someone hurry up and invent a lifelike promiscuous female robot that Neckbeard could fuck so he'll stop splattering his repressed Catholic guilt about sex all over the Times editorial page?

    1. MsQuasimodo

      Canonically speaking, is sex with a robot "sex"? Or is it more properly a form of masturbation or onanism? Can sex with a robot lead to procreation? If sex with a robot leads to orgasm, and cannot impregnate the robot (or Douchebag) then it is unlawful, unless he marries the robot. But, marriage has to be between a "man and a woman." Suppose it's a female sex robot? Well, can she conceive? (No, putting a little baby doll inside her doesn't count.)
      (sigh) It is so fucking hard being a loser conservative catholic when nobody will date you or screw you.

  19. BeWoot

    I always love it when the Times runs the tag "Ross Douthat is off" on weeks when we don't have his column to skip over. Invariably, my first thought on these welcome occasions is, Ross Douthat is always off.

    Just imagine the meeting where the editorial board decided that giving Ross many, many pennies for his thoughts was a good idea. "Well, that whole Billy Kristol thing was an embarrassment. And Dave Brooks is just not quite spongy enough. So let's hire Ross! He's too flaccid to offend anybody … and part of our job on this planet is making readers think, 'What? Why?'"

  20. problemwithcaring

    Yes! Finally, confirmation from my hero/sexual-spiritual guide Ross Douchebag, that I can get all the dick I want – and it's not "promiscuous" as long as I act like this sucking and eating raw will lead to marriage one day. Phew!

    Goodnight all – I got some ill-considered fucking to do.

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    Think about it: Pudding cup beard, doughy body, thinks sex is icky…., Let's get him together with Christine O'Donnell and they can masturbate together and stop bothering the rest of us.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Don't they have editors over there? Or are they deliberately letting him hang his ass out the window?

  22. SayItWithWookies

    By the way, Douthat's piece was not nearly the worst appearance today by a sexually underdeveloped conservative NYT columnist. If you watched Charlie Rose interview David Brooks this evening about Brooks' new novel, you saw one for the ages. Brooks basically expounded on his book, which is a neurosciency tech-savvy allegorical utopian vision of the emotionally vacant bobo by an author who unironically claims to know nothing about science, who cited two-dozen quasi-mystical examples of how willpower alone determines success and how real leaders see into the essence of things with gut-level unalytic decisions that tap into some deep unconscious, and who created these soulless exemplars of his vision of success because (and I'm not making this up) he can't think in abstract terms, only concrete ones. David Brooks is the fucking Babe Ruth of lack of self-awareness.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      If Force of Will were enough then every bayonet charge, every MBA that ever lived and every pass that anyone ever made at someone would have been a success.

      1. Beanball

        According to Barbara Tuchman, Force of Will was the bedrock of French strategy during WWI. And we all know how well that worked out.

        1. ManchuCandidate

          About as well as Renya Mutaguchi's 15th Army did in Burma in 1944.

          Who is Renya Mutaguhci? He was the David Brooks of Japan who wrote this gem of military history:

          "The struggle has developed into a fight between the material strength of the enemy and our spiritual strength. Continue in the task till all your
          ammunition is expended. If your hands are broken fight with your feet. If your hands and feet are broken use your teeth. If there is no breath left in
          your body, fight with your spirit. Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat."

          He only lost 50000 out of 65000 troops mostly due to starvation/disease.

          1. cheetojeebus

            David Brooks and Ross had a similar experience as children, having been publicly humiliated by their mother's, perhaps for making dirty in their knee britches, they retreated to their rooms to stare longingly at a small bobble head doll of William Buckley. It's lips parted and a tiny darting tongue, only it's tip appearing, rocking hypnotically, The Rosebud of their future. And they fapped, boy did they fap.

    2. doxastic

      Conservative social commentary always reads like shitty anthropology written by lizard people who haven't quite figured out how Earthlings do it.

  23. Negropolis

    Is this guy wrangling for some pity-sex, because if I didn't know better, I'd swear this guy was wrangling for some dirty, no-strings-attached pity-sex.

    1. inedalo

      pity-sex is better than no sex, but i doubt if Doubt-Hat (Douche-Hat?) can handle it.
      he needs to work through his guilt; perhaps one of those Japanese girl-dolls that can be inflated will wean him from his terrible anti-sex trip. he needs to read Wilhelm Reich.

    1. mereoblivion

      People who can't write interviewing people who can't fuck for people who can't laugh.

  24. proudgrampa

    What? Did he have a point he was trying to make?

    Is he a sexually-repressed altar boy or something? I don't get it. Why is the NYT wasting ink on this guy?

  25. doxastic

    It is better to be silent and thought a virgin, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    Can someone let Katherine Jean Lopez know that her knight in shining armor/Prince Charming has arrived?

  27. Beowoof

    Ross last I checked people really like sex, even conservatives who like really kinky sex. Your preaching will not change that so go out and get laid.

  28. neiltheblaze

    Ross writes this bunk for the NY Times to make me feel better about my sex life. I just know it.

  29. randcoolcatdaddy

    Is this some kind of plot by a plant at the NY Times to make the Washington Post op-ed page look relevant?

  30. Pop_Socket

    I wish I got paid that much for spewing my rationalizations because I've talked myself into things a lot worse than some pre-marital nookie. And much more coherently.

  31. OneYieldRegular

    What I don't understand, reading this, is how Frank Rich managed to stay on at the NYT until just last week. I'd have jumped into the Hudson months ago.

  32. Allmighty_Manos

    Douthat's claim to fame was writing a book saying that the GOP might want to consider actually giving a shit about the endangered species known as the American middle class. Of course the big problem for him is that the GOP is run by people who are either

    A: Plutocrats who want the US to resemble a giant Central American banana plantation, circa 1890
    B: Pudgy middle American white folks living off of disability whose major pressing concerns revolve around Kenyans, Mexicans and the price of gold.

    Ain't exactly a fertile field there for a young wanna be GOP thinker. So he's stuck writing creepy pieces about sex for the NYT. So sad.

  33. Trannysurprise

    Poor Ross. He failed to mention the other kind of sex where the tranny he picked up at the Tool Box vomits on his Spider Man sheets. Hawt.

  34. mereoblivion

    Ross feels much calmer this mornin'. Pope Bendaprick read the piece and emailed some handy dispensation to keep doing it till he needs glasses.

  35. El Pinche

    George Will using vibrators, Horny Clarence's chocolaty cementy cock, and now Blackwolf the Honkeymaster is talking about matrimonial beast fucking …. I think I'm going to soak my eyes in ammonia for a while.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      Blackwolf the Honkeymaster

      LIGHTNING BOLT!
      LIGHTNING BOLT!
      LIGHTNING BOLT!!

      JIZZY SOCK!
      JIZZY SOCK!
      JIZZY SOCK!

  36. MozakiBlocks

    Poor Ross. Somebody, somewhere is having a better time than he is. And in public.

  37. SaintRond

    His photo seems a bit like a variation on that Steve Carrel poster for "The 40 Year Old Virgin." I can't look at it without laughing.

    1. Jerri

      It always makes me think of Ricky Gervais as David Brent. It's his 8×10 photo that goes along with promo stuff for his album of sexy jams.

  38. PartyMarty

    Wow, he looks like the chubby eunich version of Mac from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

  39. An_Outhouse

    The 'special home for this particular unseemly obsession' is called a seminary ( or semenary – for obvious reasons).

  40. Slim_Pickins

    For purposes of discussion, wouldn't his column be considered kiddie porn in Michigan? (vide supra).

  41. Chet Kincaid

    Ross Don'touchthat is just pining for the Old Hypocrisy of the Fabled '50s, when everyone did everything they do now, except they lied about it and kept it out of media and entertainment. He probably brings himself to climax imagining himself as Don Draper's new secretary.

  42. sportshort

    I was hoping to meet someone here in the comments section. Besides myself, I mean. On second thought, I look pretty good. Mmmmm. C'mere, me. Oh believe me, I will definitely respect you in the morning. Once I'm over the dry heaves.

  43. Kidneys4Sale

    In case you're wondering, the substance dripping out of my nose is (primarily) Mountain Dew. Handsomely done.

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