THE SENATE LIVES OF SEXERS  2:47 pm March 7, 2011

Senator of Sex John Ensign Not Going To Do It Again (Run For Re-Election)

by Jack Stuef

Hit it and quit it.Once upon a time, married Sen. John Ensign had sex with a lady who was not a man and was also the wife of one of his aides. Unfortunately for his re-election prospects, Ensign did not wear a diaper, as far as we know. And because the U.S. Senate is somehow yet another day care for trust-fund children, this one a full two or three steps beyond grad school, Ensign’s parents gave the woman and her husband a bunch of money and hoped they would shut up about it. It still got out. Years later, he Senate Ethics Committee is still working on a “preliminary inquiry” into whether this broke the law. But John Ensign says he’s retiring, so the door is open for a true forthright, up-from-the-bootstraps Nevada senator: Sharron Angle. Nevada is a terrific state full of terrific politicians.

He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.

How romantic. [USA Today]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 125 comments }

4TheTurnstiles March 7, 2011 at 2:49 pm

did this perfect-hair John also fuck Rielle Hunter / Lisa Druck?

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I'm thinking even if Ensign isn't interested in running for Senator again, his hair should at least start an exploratory committee. That is one senatorial looking 'do.

4TheTurnstiles March 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

It's called The Packwood…

buford2k10 March 7, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Bachmann????

chickensmack March 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

VITTER: "Pussy."

Gopherit March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

If you can't take the heat stay out of the diaper.

Negropolis March 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

More like "if you can't take the smell…"

PublicLuxury March 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Come on Chicken Lady Lowden (who can't pay her campaign bills) it's your turn at bat.

glamourdammerung March 7, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Oh, she can pay them. She is merely choosing not to. Personal responsibility!

SorosBot March 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm

She thought she could pay them, but for some reason the electric and phone companies refused to take payment in chickens.

glamourdammerung March 7, 2011 at 5:06 pm

No, seriously. She is worth around 50 to 200 million dollars and not paying a few hundred grand of debt.
http://www.lvrj.com/news/campaign-debts-dogging-l

Negropolis March 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

FTW

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Gotta' spend more time with the ol' family routine… that and whores which are legal still!

Hatrabbit March 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

No wide stance? No interns? diapers? rent boys? what kind of a disgrace does this disgrace think he is.

Damn right you should resign. Your brand of 'disgrace' is so lame, you're a disgrace to the disgraceful party that nurtured you, and believed in you.

JoeBiteme March 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

If Chris Lee taught us anything, it's that a quick uneventful "retirement" is usually the tip of a decidedly androgynous iceberg…

Negropolis March 7, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Quick? This shit's been dragging on for years, now. What this retirement amounts to is that even the Nevada GOP (a bunch of slimely, mafia-influenced casino bosses) won't touch his radioactive ass.

mereoblivion March 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

If you don't crave the meat
Drop out of the mission.

Lost_Teabaggers March 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I know! Republicans were hoping for like animal sex (Neal Horsely) or something even better (two wetsuits + concrete dildo + asphyxia = religious right hall of fame) what kind of boring, utterly conventional pervert does this pervert thinks he is? I mean…in order to be a Republican and be re-elected you have to commit an utterly depraved sex act from the Vitter school….my guess is, if this pussy reconsiders it will be because he was busted for molesting 15 cub scouts and raping a Beagle…he'll return into high standing both as a family values candidate and a fiscal conservative.

MistaEko March 7, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Now there's a Nevada senaor that needs to man up

PublicLuxury March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Obtuse Angle should toss her petticoat into the ring. She's always good for a laugh.

Texan_Bulldog March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Oh please, please let Sharron Angle run. That combined with the hilarity of the Republican presidential primaries will be just awesome. Surely someone can talk Christine O'Donnell into running for something, too.

SorosBot March 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Either Angle or the chicken lady returning would be fun.

Lost_Teabaggers March 7, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Judging by the composition of the Tea Party they could pick someone even crazier and funnier than Sharon Angle this time 'round. Think of the possibility of the first scooter candidate for senate? He/she could be a straight shootin' scooter ridin' Tea Bagger with a mouth full of fried chicken and a heart o' gold having as their one issue would consist of replacing all mentions of "black" as a personal description into the N-bomb and allowing corporations to flat out formally own people (aside from legislators and lobbyists, that is). Not to mention the lil' scooter license plate and bumper stick potential (the Koch suckers would provide the funding and graphics) Republicans would swoon at such a candidate, surely.

mourningnmerica March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I have seen pictures of his mistress, and I can say uniquivecally, that of all the jobs I have ever had, I would have traded any them for a 6 months with her. God, I feel so base and worthless admitting this to my fellow Wonketeers, but, hey, have you seen her? Schmokin'…

cheaphits March 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Matter of opinion, I guess. Is she his wife's sister? Here's a pic –

http://graneyandthepig.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/p

PalinPussyPower March 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Cindy's cute but if you're going to get your parents to pay for some pussy wouldn't you find someone in the twentysomething category? Maybe she's tucking some dick. Otherwise I have a hard time believing this is a legitimate Republican scandal.

OneDollarJuana March 7, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I think it is legitimate. Trying to go one step further in Republican scandal is becoming almost impossible these days, as the bar gets lower and lower. It's practically impossible to wallow low enough to get under it. I think Ensign's just tired and decided to just have a boring standard affair.

SorosBot March 7, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Eh, she looks kind of average in that pic.

Steverino247 March 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

All the Stepford Wives look that good.

bumfug March 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You're shittin' me, right? She's a fucking conehead for christ's sake. OK, you could fit three dicks in that mouth, but still…

EdFlintstone March 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

You have redeemed my faith in "standards". Looks like a Bachmann clone and Michele does zip for me.

andrewdrinker March 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Michele Bachmann only does it for me when she gets SUPER CRAZY. I had to clean the ceiling off when she said the founding fathers ended slavery. And that whole thing about gettin' all McCarthy on the media to smoke out the liberals – HAWT!!!!

OneDollarJuana March 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm

"fit three dicks in that mouth"

Now you're talking Republican dalliance!

Negropolis March 7, 2011 at 11:57 pm

FTW.

What a great way to measure a mistresses worth, mouth-to-dick ratio.

V572625694 March 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Not sure I quite understand your hymn of praise to Cindy. You'd trade a lifetime of work for six months with her? What would you trade for a year? And Ensign's mommy and daddy bought her off for $96,000 (the maximum allowed tax free under the law), if I'm not mistaken. How does your offer compare?

kittenbomb March 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm

She's got those buggy Bachmann eyes. She practically looks like she's being choked.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

Dunno. If you're goin in that hole, might want to put on some skis, just to be on the safe side.

memzilla March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Even though this a**hat retires from the Senate, Nevada will not lose a whore.

PublicLuxury March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Is Newt from Nevada? He's got the hair and the reputation to win it all in Nevada.

PalinPussyPower March 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Does this mean it will no longer be profitable to be his mistress? Because that was my next business venture. Fuck you, liberals, for hurting small businesses.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 7, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Well that was a disappointingly normal sex scandal.

Ducksworthy March 7, 2011 at 4:55 pm

If you ignore the MMF and DP aspects, yes.

assistantatlas March 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Well….except for the whole "parents paying her off like an expensive whore" angle. Can you imagine asking your parents to give $96,000 to your mistress? I'm single and avoid talk of my sex/romantic life as much as possible….I can barely muster the strength to assure them I haven't caught the ghey. I'm pretty sure the only reason my parents would give a girl I was dating money would be to pay for an abortion*.

*and then probably only if she was a Gentile.

randcoolcatdaddy March 7, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Couldn't get the parents to pony up for the Presidential campaign, eh?

Negropolis March 7, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Bingo. And, he couldn't get his daddy to wrangle anymore questionable casino funds for his hopeless endeavor, this time.

EdFlintstone March 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

So how much money will it take to get Angle the nomination? I'll do what I can.

BaldarTFlagass March 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

He'll probably take a job lobbying for the Nevada whorehouse industry, which if I recall correctly is being targeted by Harry Reid. It's a natural fit, right?

Callyson March 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm

He would have more credibility than most lobbyists:
"I'm not just a lobbyist for Chicken Ranch – I'm also a client"

XOhioan March 7, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Would have been a lot cheaper than the affair.

freakishlywrong March 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Gaaahh! That oily, unctuous picture made me physically ill. The alt-text kept the gag at a minimum.

Hatrabbit March 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Sharron Angle will run for sure, I'd bet my hen-house on it.

MinAgain March 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

OTOH, his coiffure is thinking about throwing its hat into the race for president, because even John Ensign's hair would be a better presidential candidate than Rick Santorum.

OneDollarJuana March 7, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Nicer-smelling, too.

LabRodent March 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Do all republicans go to the same hair stylist or is it a perv thing.
Both?

freakishlywrong March 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

That and those beady eyes. Like a doll's eyes. A crazy doll.

DashboardBuddha March 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Chuckie?

MissTaken March 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Since the story did get out did the woman and her cuckolded husband have to give the money back to Ensign's parents?

I have a "friend" who is exploring some money-making opportunities and is curious.

undeterredbyreality March 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Ha! I originally read that blockquote as "He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Lost Viagra."

mereoblivion March 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

What happens under Viagra stays under Viagra.

Negropolis March 8, 2011 at 12:00 am

Until it cums out…

SmutBoffin March 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

…the U.S. Senate is somehow yet another day care for trust-fund children, this one a full two or three steps beyond grad school…

Hey. That hurt.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Those Ph.Ds in English Lit won't pay for themselves, right?

Steverino247 March 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Don't let an ethics panel hit you in the ass on the way out!

phlox✔ March 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Any world where cuckolding an employee is unethical is a world I don't want to live in.

imissopus March 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

The terrorists have already won.

OkieDokieDog March 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I hear that God needs more Teevee Vandal-ists. He looks like he'd be good at taking SS monies away from the old ladies.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 5:26 pm

The ORU Chair in Teevee Fake Healings is open, right?And that Hobby Lobby twit will keep ORU financed. (How many millions did that dick put into that place? What a way to use your charity budget. I repeat: he's a dick.)

OkieDokieDog March 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I was flipping through the tv stations the other night and guess who I saw? Yep. Junior is still scamming the old, sick & dimwitted outta their cash. He paused long enough to tell that his skank wife would be in Florida or somewhere in April to scam more money. Then I changed the station. Ever noticed how many religious stations we have around here? One is three too many.
I can't remember the amount that guy paid – but it was BIG millions.

chickensmack March 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I hear Callista will be available soon.

Redhead March 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

That man and his sex scandal were FAR too normal to be running for election this time around.

baconzgood March 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

No, no, no, no on this Sharon Angle schtick!!!!! I'm finished snarkin' on her and Christine "She turned me into a Newt" O'Donnell. Sharon, you can't be an attention whore anymore. You don't have the endurance to sustain the "bitch" like Sarah.

We came, we saw, and we snarked you.

James Michael Curley March 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

So John Ensign becomes John Chief Petty Orifice

mereoblivion March 7, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Admiralble!

DerrickWildcat March 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I heard there's a few openings at Fox.

SorosBot March 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Our Senate are supposed to be the ones taking bribes, not the bribers themselves (or have mommy and daddy bribe for them); Ensign, you're doing it wrong.

Extemporanus March 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Does anyone remember which Wonkette post inspired me to drunkenly desecrate this dumb photo of Count Ensignula

Its disturbing lack of context is making it rather difficult to masturbate to.

baconzgood March 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Count Cockula? No wait that only would have worked if it was the cerial box dude.

Extemporanus March 7, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I know, right? If I was going for some cereal sex offender thing or something, Frank N. Berry probably would've made for a better mash-up.

Oh well, it was poorly done a long, long time ago when this whole quasi-sordid little now-over story broke, so trying to recall why is a pointless exercise. And yet…why?!

jim89048 March 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

At least this will save him the embarrassment of losing to angle; there was no doubt here in Nevaduh that she was gonna teabag him.

Beowoof March 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm

What did Mom and Dad cut off his nookie allowance.

prommie March 7, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I thought what happens in your employee's wife, stays in your employee's wife.

horsedreamer_1 March 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

In forty-nine of the fifty states. In South Dakota, if you try any funny business, you can get shot.

donner_froh March 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm

He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.

In a slightly better world the next sentence would be: Senator Ensign will then surrender to the U.S. marshals service and by processed for arrest on charges of aggravated mopery.

andrewdrinker March 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm

What happened in Vegas stays in the newspapers.

WIDTAP March 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Cry not for John Ensign – not when there are two new openings at FoxNews.

BklynIlluminati March 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Every time i see the word ethics makes me laugh harder.

mumbly_joe March 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Please. Everyone knows that living off the government dole is only a "liberal" thing if you're brown.

Tommmcatt March 7, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I read that as "Run for Re-erection" at first.

nounverb911 March 7, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Ensign can always get a job as a casino greeter.

El Pinche March 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Dancing with the Stars is waiting for you. Run to it, John . It's calling you.

SaintRond March 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Committing adultery is like sharing a condom with another man. And going down on somebody's wife is like letting a guy come in your mouth. It's just unacceptably gross.

I don't feel comfortable having sex with a woman who's just been fucked by someone else. It doesn't seem sanitary.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Whoa. Why the downs thumbing? Are you a troll, and therefore are not being ironic or snarky?

SaintRond March 7, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Just feeling reflective today, I guess.

El Pinche March 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Fist up for making me all tingly down there.

Negropolis March 8, 2011 at 12:03 am

Hail germophobes! They are the most faithful partners.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

Soooo, you only feel comfortable fucking women no other man would fuck? And what is a sanitized fuck? Wait, "Saint"! I get it now, sorry.

SaintRond March 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

I'm simply saying that in a group situation, I like to be first.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

Nobody is first, except for one dumb struggling dipshit. After that, it's all seconds. Face it, when you kiss a woman on the mouth, it is an open gut with shit on one end and spit on the other. Group situations are distracting to me, anyway; can't do my best when distracted. Like the FBI, they are highly overrated, in my view.

SaintRond March 8, 2011 at 11:55 am

Awful sentiment and one I don't begin to share. And this is from Saint Rond, whom you might look up. He was the patron of Juliette in the De Sade novel of the same name.

neiltheblaze March 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I do understand why Ensign felt the need to give up his Senate career. What I don't understand is why David Vitter never did.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I'll take a guess! How about because southerners are dumber than a stump?

neiltheblaze March 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm

That works for me – except I thought they were all Evangelicals and against kinky sex involving hookers and poop and urine encrusted diapers. But I guess not.

assistantatlas March 7, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Why Diaper Dave is still a Senator…
1) The hooker was female
2) Unlike Nevada, Louisiana politics is uncompetitive, especially since Karl Rove destroyed New Orleans

horsedreamer_1 March 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm

First elected to the House in 1994, another proud signatory to the Contract on America.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Excellent, the way you remembered to replace that preposition with the proper one.

Callyson March 7, 2011 at 3:59 pm

He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.
And then what? Because if he hurries, he might be able to catch a flight to Iowa and join the freak show at that GOP forum…
What? He's a more cerdible candidate than most of them…

LionelHutzEsq March 7, 2011 at 4:07 pm

He is undoubtedly announcing at the Federal Courthouse so that he has some protection from Sharron Angle and her posse exercising their Second Amendment remedies.

Negropolis March 8, 2011 at 12:07 am

You don't know much about Federal Courthouse security in Las Vegas, huh? Truly, it is the Wild West, out there.

DustBowlBlues March 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Wait just a gdamn minute. (I'm not taking the Lord's name in vain until I find out if I'm dying).

His C-Street special friend, Spooky Doktor Tom Coburn, a OB-GYN specialist who helped broker the money deal, claimed "Doctor-Patient" confidentiality as his reason for not cooperating with the Ethics investigation.

I, for one, will not be satisfied that the truth is known until we get the results of Ensign's pap smear.

hagajim March 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

had sex with a lady who was not a man

Now that is some good Stuef, Jack….but seriously, why retire Johnny? Are the teabaggers angry that you didn't hang your ballsack in their mouths? John Ensign would have been #winning if he had used his God given right as a Nevadan to just pay a hooker to keep her mouth shut, instead of paying a whore who didn't!

x111e7thst March 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm

All Sharron Angle needs to do to lock up the nomination is make a passionate speech on the evils of masturbation.

baconzgood March 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I find the thought of that difficult to masterbate to.

chascates March 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

This is good news for that crazy lady.

DaSandman March 7, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Our straight, gay and trans brothers and sisters wouldn't have this piece of hypocritical Santorum on a big cash bet. He's leaving the Senate only to get his freak on with oil covered ducks furnished by BP and lower level mollusks. Basically he wants to fuck oysters and clams and shit.

This is the GOP.

Rotundo_ March 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Maybe Ensign feels like it's time to go back into the family business, since the presidential thing likely wouldn't happen for him. Not so much due to the affair, as the wonder of having Daddums and Mum writing the checks to shut the pair shut up. That was waaaayyyyyyy more humiliating than getting caught. The only thing more humiliating than that would have been Ensigns' mother prying him off the little lady and slapping him vigorously and then mopping his genitals dry and kicking his ass out of the room physically.

metamarcisf March 7, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Shocking news. A month ago I was in town and invited to a Ensign 2nd amendment rally at a Vegas gun store. Wha' happened?

Boojum_Reborn March 7, 2011 at 7:07 pm

You know, if my wife ever catches me banging a hooker, I'll just do like David Vitter and threaten to beat her stupid. I mean, if I did that kind of thing….

Is this mike on?

Negropolis March 8, 2011 at 12:12 am

This has probably been the most awkward and pitiful fall we've seen in some time. I don't know how to snark about this one.

lulzmonger March 8, 2011 at 6:30 am

The REAL Story = Ensign wasn't allowed to run under a GOP ticket due to their "kill hookers, rape children & munch scat or GTFO" minimum requirement for 2012 nomination.

Romney? Gingrich? Palin? Huckabee? ALL GOOD TO GO.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Good stuff! I use it on my pubes.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

The good news is that the Battle of the MegaTwats for his vacated Senate Seat will be full of barnyard animals and masturbatory fantasies. It will be a fucking gold mine for snark addicts.

comrad_darkness March 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Not running again? Let me guess, his parents ran out of bribe money.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

What do you expect from an awful guy? Is Saint Rond a boy-fucker like so many of them? Think I'll pass.

SaintRond March 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I was being polite, but now I don't have to. When you talk about women you sound like a syphilitic old serial killer – same mindset regarding females. And regarding "boy-fuckers?" Oh, dear… You mean, there might be gays on this site?

So please, take your nasty, senile old ass somewhere else. You most assuredly do not belong on Wonkette.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 2:46 pm

So, Wonkette is for the “Polites” only? Would that be anything like “Politically Correct”? There must be a Wonkette I don't know about. Note: Women are all females, at least the ones I've known, also, boy fuckers are not gay, they are perverts and criminals, asshole. And don't get your hopes up getting me to obey your orders about where to go; I just don't think you carry enough Stripes for that slot. Your serve, sweetie.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: