the senate lives of sexers

Senator of Sex John Ensign Not Going To Do It Again (Run For Re-Election)

Hit it and quit it.Once upon a time, married Sen. John Ensign had sex with a lady who was not a man and was also the wife of one of his aides. Unfortunately for his re-election prospects, Ensign did not wear a diaper, as far as we know. And because the U.S. Senate is somehow yet another day care for trust-fund children, this one a full two or three steps beyond grad school, Ensign’s parents gave the woman and her husband a bunch of money and hoped they would shut up about it. It still got out. Years later, he Senate Ethics Committee is still working on a “preliminary inquiry” into whether this broke the law. But John Ensign says he’s retiring, so the door is open for a true forthright, up-from-the-bootstraps Nevada senator: Sharron Angle. Nevada is a terrific state full of terrific politicians.

He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.

How romantic. [USA Today]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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125 comments

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm thinking even if Ensign isn't interested in running for Senator again, his hair should at least start an exploratory committee. That is one senatorial looking 'do.

  1. PublicLuxury

    Come on Chicken Lady Lowden (who can't pay her campaign bills) it's your turn at bat.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Oh, she can pay them. She is merely choosing not to. Personal responsibility!

      1. SorosBot

        She thought she could pay them, but for some reason the electric and phone companies refused to take payment in chickens.

  2. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Gotta' spend more time with the ol' family routine… that and whores which are legal still!

  3. Hatrabbit

    No wide stance? No interns? diapers? rent boys? what kind of a disgrace does this disgrace think he is.

    Damn right you should resign. Your brand of 'disgrace' is so lame, you're a disgrace to the disgraceful party that nurtured you, and believed in you.

    1. JoeBiteme

      If Chris Lee taught us anything, it's that a quick uneventful "retirement" is usually the tip of a decidedly androgynous iceberg…

      1. Negropolis

        Quick? This shit's been dragging on for years, now. What this retirement amounts to is that even the Nevada GOP (a bunch of slimely, mafia-influenced casino bosses) won't touch his radioactive ass.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      I know! Republicans were hoping for like animal sex (Neal Horsely) or something even better (two wetsuits + concrete dildo + asphyxia = religious right hall of fame) what kind of boring, utterly conventional pervert does this pervert thinks he is? I mean…in order to be a Republican and be re-elected you have to commit an utterly depraved sex act from the Vitter school….my guess is, if this pussy reconsiders it will be because he was busted for molesting 15 cub scouts and raping a Beagle…he'll return into high standing both as a family values candidate and a fiscal conservative.

  4. PublicLuxury

    Obtuse Angle should toss her petticoat into the ring. She's always good for a laugh.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Oh please, please let Sharron Angle run. That combined with the hilarity of the Republican presidential primaries will be just awesome. Surely someone can talk Christine O'Donnell into running for something, too.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Judging by the composition of the Tea Party they could pick someone even crazier and funnier than Sharon Angle this time 'round. Think of the possibility of the first scooter candidate for senate? He/she could be a straight shootin' scooter ridin' Tea Bagger with a mouth full of fried chicken and a heart o' gold having as their one issue would consist of replacing all mentions of "black" as a personal description into the N-bomb and allowing corporations to flat out formally own people (aside from legislators and lobbyists, that is). Not to mention the lil' scooter license plate and bumper stick potential (the Koch suckers would provide the funding and graphics) Republicans would swoon at such a candidate, surely.

  6. mourningnmerica

    I have seen pictures of his mistress, and I can say uniquivecally, that of all the jobs I have ever had, I would have traded any them for a 6 months with her. God, I feel so base and worthless admitting this to my fellow Wonketeers, but, hey, have you seen her? Schmokin'…

      1. PalinPussyPower

        Cindy's cute but if you're going to get your parents to pay for some pussy wouldn't you find someone in the twentysomething category? Maybe she's tucking some dick. Otherwise I have a hard time believing this is a legitimate Republican scandal.

        1. OneDollarJuana

          I think it is legitimate. Trying to go one step further in Republican scandal is becoming almost impossible these days, as the bar gets lower and lower. It's practically impossible to wallow low enough to get under it. I think Ensign's just tired and decided to just have a boring standard affair.

    1. bumfug

      You're shittin' me, right? She's a fucking conehead for christ's sake. OK, you could fit three dicks in that mouth, but still…

      1. EdFlintstone

        You have redeemed my faith in "standards". Looks like a Bachmann clone and Michele does zip for me.

        1. andrewdrinker

          Michele Bachmann only does it for me when she gets SUPER CRAZY. I had to clean the ceiling off when she said the founding fathers ended slavery. And that whole thing about gettin' all McCarthy on the media to smoke out the liberals – HAWT!!!!

    2. V572625694

      Not sure I quite understand your hymn of praise to Cindy. You'd trade a lifetime of work for six months with her? What would you trade for a year? And Ensign's mommy and daddy bought her off for $96,000 (the maximum allowed tax free under the law), if I'm not mistaken. How does your offer compare?

    3. ttommyunger

      Dunno. If you're goin in that hole, might want to put on some skis, just to be on the safe side.

  7. PublicLuxury

    Is Newt from Nevada? He's got the hair and the reputation to win it all in Nevada.

  8. PalinPussyPower

    Does this mean it will no longer be profitable to be his mistress? Because that was my next business venture. Fuck you, liberals, for hurting small businesses.

    1. assistantatlas

      Well….except for the whole "parents paying her off like an expensive whore" angle. Can you imagine asking your parents to give $96,000 to your mistress? I'm single and avoid talk of my sex/romantic life as much as possible….I can barely muster the strength to assure them I haven't caught the ghey. I'm pretty sure the only reason my parents would give a girl I was dating money would be to pay for an abortion*.

      *and then probably only if she was a Gentile.

    1. Negropolis

      Bingo. And, he couldn't get his daddy to wrangle anymore questionable casino funds for his hopeless endeavor, this time.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    He'll probably take a job lobbying for the Nevada whorehouse industry, which if I recall correctly is being targeted by Harry Reid. It's a natural fit, right?

    1. Callyson

      He would have more credibility than most lobbyists:
      "I'm not just a lobbyist for Chicken Ranch – I'm also a client"

  10. freakishlywrong

    Gaaahh! That oily, unctuous picture made me physically ill. The alt-text kept the gag at a minimum.

  11. MinAgain

    OTOH, his coiffure is thinking about throwing its hat into the race for president, because even John Ensign's hair would be a better presidential candidate than Rick Santorum.

  12. MissTaken

    Since the story did get out did the woman and her cuckolded husband have to give the money back to Ensign's parents?

    I have a "friend" who is exploring some money-making opportunities and is curious.

  13. undeterredbyreality

    Ha! I originally read that blockquote as "He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Lost Viagra."

  14. SmutBoffin

    …the U.S. Senate is somehow yet another day care for trust-fund children, this one a full two or three steps beyond grad school…

    Hey. That hurt.

  15. phlox✔

    Any world where cuckolding an employee is unethical is a world I don't want to live in.

  16. OkieDokieDog

    I hear that God needs more Teevee Vandal-ists. He looks like he'd be good at taking SS monies away from the old ladies.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      The ORU Chair in Teevee Fake Healings is open, right?And that Hobby Lobby twit will keep ORU financed. (How many millions did that dick put into that place? What a way to use your charity budget. I repeat: he's a dick.)

      1. OkieDokieDog

        I was flipping through the tv stations the other night and guess who I saw? Yep. Junior is still scamming the old, sick & dimwitted outta their cash. He paused long enough to tell that his skank wife would be in Florida or somewhere in April to scam more money. Then I changed the station. Ever noticed how many religious stations we have around here? One is three too many.
        I can't remember the amount that guy paid – but it was BIG millions.

  17. Redhead

    That man and his sex scandal were FAR too normal to be running for election this time around.

  18. baconzgood

    No, no, no, no on this Sharon Angle schtick!!!!! I'm finished snarkin' on her and Christine "She turned me into a Newt" O'Donnell. Sharon, you can't be an attention whore anymore. You don't have the endurance to sustain the "bitch" like Sarah.

    We came, we saw, and we snarked you.

  19. SorosBot

    Our Senate are supposed to be the ones taking bribes, not the bribers themselves (or have mommy and daddy bribe for them); Ensign, you're doing it wrong.

  20. Extemporanus

    Does anyone remember which Wonkette post inspired me to drunkenly desecrate this dumb photo of Count Ensignula

    Its disturbing lack of context is making it rather difficult to masturbate to.

      1. Extemporanus

        I know, right? If I was going for some cereal sex offender thing or something, Frank N. Berry probably would've made for a better mash-up.

        Oh well, it was poorly done a long, long time ago when this whole quasi-sordid little now-over story broke, so trying to recall why is a pointless exercise. And yet…why?!

  21. jim89048

    At least this will save him the embarrassment of losing to angle; there was no doubt here in Nevaduh that she was gonna teabag him.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      In forty-nine of the fifty states. In South Dakota, if you try any funny business, you can get shot.

  22. donner_froh

    He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.

    In a slightly better world the next sentence would be: Senator Ensign will then surrender to the U.S. marshals service and by processed for arrest on charges of aggravated mopery.

  23. mumbly_joe

    Please. Everyone knows that living off the government dole is only a "liberal" thing if you're brown.

  24. SaintRond

    Committing adultery is like sharing a condom with another man. And going down on somebody's wife is like letting a guy come in your mouth. It's just unacceptably gross.

    I don't feel comfortable having sex with a woman who's just been fucked by someone else. It doesn't seem sanitary.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Whoa. Why the downs thumbing? Are you a troll, and therefore are not being ironic or snarky?

    2. ttommyunger

      Soooo, you only feel comfortable fucking women no other man would fuck? And what is a sanitized fuck? Wait, "Saint"! I get it now, sorry.

        1. ttommyunger

          Nobody is first, except for one dumb struggling dipshit. After that, it's all seconds. Face it, when you kiss a woman on the mouth, it is an open gut with shit on one end and spit on the other. Group situations are distracting to me, anyway; can't do my best when distracted. Like the FBI, they are highly overrated, in my view.

          1. SaintRond

            Awful sentiment and one I don't begin to share. And this is from Saint Rond, whom you might look up. He was the patron of Juliette in the De Sade novel of the same name.

          2. ttommyunger

            What do you expect from an awful guy? Is Saint Rond a boy-fucker like so many of them? Think I'll pass.

          3. SaintRond

            I was being polite, but now I don't have to. When you talk about women you sound like a syphilitic old serial killer – same mindset regarding females. And regarding "boy-fuckers?" Oh, dear… You mean, there might be gays on this site?

            So please, take your nasty, senile old ass somewhere else. You most assuredly do not belong on Wonkette.

          4. ttommyunger

            So, Wonkette is for the “Polites” only? Would that be anything like “Politically Correct”? There must be a Wonkette I don't know about. Note: Women are all females, at least the ones I've known, also, boy fuckers are not gay, they are perverts and criminals, asshole. And don't get your hopes up getting me to obey your orders about where to go; I just don't think you carry enough Stripes for that slot. Your serve, sweetie.

  25. neiltheblaze

    I do understand why Ensign felt the need to give up his Senate career. What I don't understand is why David Vitter never did.

      1. neiltheblaze

        That works for me – except I thought they were all Evangelicals and against kinky sex involving hookers and poop and urine encrusted diapers. But I guess not.

    1. assistantatlas

      Why Diaper Dave is still a Senator…
      1) The hooker was female
      2) Unlike Nevada, Louisiana politics is uncompetitive, especially since Karl Rove destroyed New Orleans

  26. horsedreamer_1

    First elected to the House in 1994, another proud signatory to the Contract on America.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Excellent, the way you remembered to replace that preposition with the proper one.

  27. Callyson

    He will formally announce his plans at the federal courthouse in Las Vegas.
    And then what? Because if he hurries, he might be able to catch a flight to Iowa and join the freak show at that GOP forum…
    What? He's a more cerdible candidate than most of them…

  28. LionelHutzEsq

    He is undoubtedly announcing at the Federal Courthouse so that he has some protection from Sharron Angle and her posse exercising their Second Amendment remedies.

    1. Negropolis

      You don't know much about Federal Courthouse security in Las Vegas, huh? Truly, it is the Wild West, out there.

  29. DustBowlBlues

    Wait just a gdamn minute. (I'm not taking the Lord's name in vain until I find out if I'm dying).

    His C-Street special friend, Spooky Doktor Tom Coburn, a OB-GYN specialist who helped broker the money deal, claimed "Doctor-Patient" confidentiality as his reason for not cooperating with the Ethics investigation.

    I, for one, will not be satisfied that the truth is known until we get the results of Ensign's pap smear.

  30. hagajim

    had sex with a lady who was not a man

    Now that is some good Stuef, Jack….but seriously, why retire Johnny? Are the teabaggers angry that you didn't hang your ballsack in their mouths? John Ensign would have been #winning if he had used his God given right as a Nevadan to just pay a hooker to keep her mouth shut, instead of paying a whore who didn't!

  31. x111e7thst

    All Sharron Angle needs to do to lock up the nomination is make a passionate speech on the evils of masturbation.

  32. DaSandman

    Our straight, gay and trans brothers and sisters wouldn't have this piece of hypocritical Santorum on a big cash bet. He's leaving the Senate only to get his freak on with oil covered ducks furnished by BP and lower level mollusks. Basically he wants to fuck oysters and clams and shit.

    This is the GOP.

  33. Rotundo_

    Maybe Ensign feels like it's time to go back into the family business, since the presidential thing likely wouldn't happen for him. Not so much due to the affair, as the wonder of having Daddums and Mum writing the checks to shut the pair shut up. That was waaaayyyyyyy more humiliating than getting caught. The only thing more humiliating than that would have been Ensigns' mother prying him off the little lady and slapping him vigorously and then mopping his genitals dry and kicking his ass out of the room physically.

  34. metamarcisf

    Shocking news. A month ago I was in town and invited to a Ensign 2nd amendment rally at a Vegas gun store. Wha' happened?

  35. Boojum_Reborn

    You know, if my wife ever catches me banging a hooker, I'll just do like David Vitter and threaten to beat her stupid. I mean, if I did that kind of thing….

    Is this mike on?

  36. Negropolis

    This has probably been the most awkward and pitiful fall we've seen in some time. I don't know how to snark about this one.

  37. lulzmonger

    The REAL Story = Ensign wasn't allowed to run under a GOP ticket due to their "kill hookers, rape children & munch scat or GTFO" minimum requirement for 2012 nomination.

    Romney? Gingrich? Palin? Huckabee? ALL GOOD TO GO.

  38. ttommyunger

    The good news is that the Battle of the MegaTwats for his vacated Senate Seat will be full of barnyard animals and masturbatory fantasies. It will be a fucking gold mine for snark addicts.

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