Newt Gingrich Super Excited About 5,000 People Laughing At His Twitter

by Ken Layne 1:41 pm March 7, 2011

Unwanted bobblehead Newt Gingrich is as toxic to Republican primary voters as he was to his many dead ex-wives he divorced on their deathbeds in the hospital, so Newt must always try to find some “new metric” to show his “popularity” despite having no popularity. Twitter is perfect for this kind of thing!

Used mostly by creepy old white Republican men to text each other incomprehensibly, Twitter allows the used-up old GOP narcissist a way to feel “watched” again, by counting the number of “followers” on the Twitter account. No matter that 5,000 people glancing at a Twitter feed would hardly be what it takes to kick Newt up from last place in Iowa — even if they weren’t all ex-wives of Newt who have yet to die of the cancer. The important thing is that Newt is feeling happy, perhaps as happy as when one of his latest wives got him an Easter candy on Easter.

But there is another theory regarding Newt’s inconsequential Twitter audience: It’s just some Wonkette readers laughing at him, because he’s a pathetic toad neck glued inside a hair helmet.

Can you imagine anything more terrifying than a marriage proposal from Professional Widower Newt Gingrich? [Twitter/Twitter]

78 comments 3370 Views

{ 78 comments }

Hatrabbit March 7, 2011 at 1:46 pm

5,ooo fuck-bats can't be wrong.

ManchuCandidate March 7, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Charlie Sheen sez: WINNING!

Crank_Tango March 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

ASL? where all the white wimmin at? Is anyone in this chat room LOL ROFLMAO!

BaldarTFlagass March 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

If one hand faps frantically in the forest, does it make a sound?

MildMidwesterner March 7, 2011 at 1:49 pm: Does the Pope shit in the woods?

ifthethunderdontgetya March 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Haha!

4,950 hatefists for the Newtster.

P.S. he’s a pathetic toad neck glued inside a hair helmet.

Is it O.K. if I borrow that, Ken? For good porpoises only, of course.
~

chickensmack March 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm: God almighty, I have laughed far too much today.

cheaphits March 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"Can you imagine anything more terrifying than a marriage proposal from Professional Widower Newt Gingrich?"

The wedding night?

Beowoof March 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm: The swearing in of President Gingrich.
mereoblivion March 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm: The wedding night: "Piggly Wiggly" (stoled from the late Carnac, who's still more alive than Newt).

DaSandman March 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Newt is exploring peanut butter easter eggs and ways to trade in Calista as she is beginning to look a little too worn for a possible first lady. Radical grooming accident perhaps? Cancer has been done to death…

MinAgain March 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"She turned me into a Newt!"
"A Newt?"
"I got better."

freakishlywrong March 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm

HAHA!!! Oh, and wingtards, train wreck ChaCha Sheen has a bizillion followers as well; and probably not because he's popular with the peeps. Get it?

DCHatesMe March 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm

The internet needs more Tripod/Geocities web counters to tell us how popular Speaker Newt Gingrich is.

Wait, what year is it?

andrewdrinker March 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm: Newt is disappointed that he can't tweet in Comic Sans for the benefit of his teabagger constituency.

EDIT: good lord, does our breitbart friend really think it's that much fun to hit every single downfist on the internet?
HistoriCat March 7, 2011 at 11:11 pm: Poor Newt is still stuck in the 90s.

Barbara_i March 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Ah Newt, don't be sending your pasty white vampire bride out just yet to buy blackout curtains for the White House. If page views were the criteria for anything then Charlie Sheen just became the King of England this weekend. #tigerblood

Gorillionaire March 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I wish that an actual newt would start a Twitter account. That would be adorable.

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm: Hey, I'll bet the GEICO lizard has one.

OurHoboSenator March 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Meh. Chuck Grassley has over 26,000 Twitter followers

GRsly 4 Prsnt!

Troubledog March 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I'd rather have five thousand people laugh at my twitter than laugh at my johnson.

mereoblivion March 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm: Pictures or STFU.

iburl March 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I was one of the 5000 people and believe me, it was for the laughs only.

Barbara_i March 7, 2011 at 10:20 pm: I just checked out the ShouldTrumpRun website and it has half a million visitors.

i_like_tigers March 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Newt is not a hypocrite, and I am not a crook.

Clancy_Pants March 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Batshit Bachmann has 36,707. The Newster doesn't stand a chance.

Tundra Grifter March 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

James Wolcott called Rudy Giuliani a "presidential delusionist."

That fits Ole Newt.

chickensmack March 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

You can only get an accurate count of his ex wives, but among those followers, the number of people he slept with while married may be a bit fuzzy.

TheSheriffsNear March 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm

"because he’s a pathetic toad neck glued inside a hair helmet."

It's word-imagery like this that makes Wonkette the most-checked bookmark in my days of white-collar debt slavery.

That and the sweet, sweet vitriol.

OneYieldRegular March 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Unfortunately for Newt, 4,862 of the visitors were mis-directed herpetologists specializing in the study of Salamandridae.

aguacatero March 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm: Q: What's the one member of Salamandridae that can give you herpes?

donner_froh March 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Looks like 2012 is shaping up to be Barak Obama against Charlie Sheen.

SexySmurf March 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Duh, winning the future.

gef05 March 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Bitchin. Barry knows a thing or two about tigers and tiger blood, being Kenyan and all.

I KNOW TIGERS DON'T LIVE IN AFRICA THANK YOU IT'S HUMOUR OR SOMETHING

emmelemm March 7, 2011 at 5:56 pm: Tigerz do live in Indonesia though kthxbai

Maman March 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Can you imagine telling your folks that you are marrying Newt? Its a wonder that they don't kidnap those girls…

PublicLuxury March 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm: When I broke the news to my parents they had me hospitalized and declared incompetent. Talk about intolerant!

MinAgain March 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

But really…how many of those were school kids doing research on amphibians?

gef05 March 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm: Ok. I laughed out loud at this.

Extemporanus March 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

LEROY THE NEWT HAS A POSSE

SorosBot March 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It doesn't matter how much the general public ignores the irrelevant man, CNN and the like will still keep repeating what he says as if he's important.

BlueMonkeh March 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm: hey – there's good money to be made perpetually running for president

how in the hell do i get his gig?

DangerHelvetica March 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Just 66,857,039 more and he's got the presidency locked up!

fartknocker March 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Newt

The only reason I went to your website was to look at the pictures because your section on policy was about as weak as the all you can eat buffet at Tiny Wong's Asian Buffet. In fact, I hate Tiny Wong, so you now know my thoughts about your policy proposals.

PublicLuxury March 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Mittens and teh Donald have used Newt's hair as an example to live by.

Allmighty_Manos March 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Now that I'm pretty sure that Obama is going to win, I look forward to next year's GOP presidential primary, which will be "hilarious"

Beowoof March 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

This hypocritical bastard should have been sent to the Dog Track a long time ago. That anyone still listens to him is amazing. That the news media keeps putting him on tells me it is run by old white men with an agenda.

CapeClod March 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I think Newtie and Limbaugh have a bet over who can marry more women. Newt has to work harder, though, because his women won't leave him out of sheer physical revulsion…for some reason.

LionelHutzEsq March 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

This is nothing, you should see how many people are checking out his Match.com personal.

Oblios_Cap March 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

You laugh, but that's almost 1,000 a day since Thursday!

Newt's mother should have given him a name that more accurately described him like "Toad" or "Shithead".

aguacatero March 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Ladies! As Shakespeare said (about this truly Shakespearean oaf) while playing with his "make up your own Shakespeare quotes" fridge-magnet game that one time:

Beware the Eye of Newt!

BlueStateLibel March 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Thanks, very cute…so many of those titles look like they were generated by either mustache Friedman or David Brooks.

Gopherit March 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I didn't realize it before, but Callista "50 ft of garden hose" Gingrich looks like a poor man's Cindy McCain. Look out, John!

undeterredbyreality March 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm: So once he gets nominated *gag* he can pick the poor man's Sarah Palin (aka Michelle Bachmann) as Veep.

Winning.

4TheTurnstiles March 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Papist! Grand Dragon Drudge Alert: This man seeks to build an America that bows to a Roman emperor of Santorum and Circumcision!!!1!

PubOption March 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I understand Newt has become a catholic. It should make future divorces more difficult.

Rosie_Scenario March 7, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Not really. Annulments are available to those who in power/ with powerful friends, etc. Just ask Joseph Kennedy III and Rudy Giuliani.

__kth__ March 7, 2011 at 6:23 pm: 'zgunna say: in what universe is being a wealthy powerful Catholic an impediment to dumping your wife?

andrewdrinker March 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Wow! 5000! At this rate, he might even do as well as Mike Gravel in the presidential primaries!

undeterredbyreality March 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Well, if you had a series of 5000 tubes hooked up to you…

Oops. Wrong Alaskan. Speaking of Alaskans . . .

genxr March 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

…or a write-in for Charlie Sheen.

andrewdrinker March 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm: Naw, Charlie Sheen is gonna win this bitch, hands down!

Sheen/Trump 2012!

Gopherit March 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Say what you want to about Gravel, he had the best damned commercials ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rZdAB4V_j8

WiiTheSheeple March 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

hey kids. I made a name just for hatefisting and creepily following assholes on lightfart!

crank.

donner_froh March 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Can you imagine anything more terrifying than a marriage proposal from Professional Widower Newt Gingrich?

Meeting his family?

Mahousu March 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I just checked Twitter, and the top trending tag was #bootyappreciationday. How this fits with the Newt is left as an exercise for the reader. (Hint: unlikely to involve appreciating his booty.)

DonnyKerabotsos March 7, 2011 at 2:45 pm

"Retweeted by 1 person."

That about says it all.

mavenmaven March 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Many of the subscribers to Newt's account were likely actually looking for this one http://twitter.com/thegeicogecko

mourningnmerica March 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Truly, if Newt were a horse, he would have been put down a long time ago.

EdFlintstone March 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

You would think "explore Newt" would deter everyone.

Redhead March 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Well at least Newt has ex-wives and Wonketteers and other REAL people reading his feed, even if they are laughing, instead of 5,000 fake profiles for his alternate personality(s).

jim89048 March 7, 2011 at 3:38 pm