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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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206 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    That's not a grocery list it is just one giant vowel movement. What is "cedar cheese?" "bag of ice" maybe they should learn the secret recipe for that.
    She forgot "lard" for sexy time.
    8 D-cell batteries for my Huckabee.

      1. cheaphits

        I agree –

        Get rich quick scheme of the day – A Sexy Time Fun Pak

        1. A huckabee
        2. Tube of santorum
        3. One pair of rubber "mittens".
        4. A bachman plug.
        5. And pawlenty of D cell batteries.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      I've heard of "hard cheese", but cedar cheese? You cut off a slice with a sawzall?

    1. JoeBiteme

      Along with the "3 ketchups" listed.
      Was the author hoping for three distinct varieties or just a shitload of Heinz?

    1. el_donaldo

      That got me, too: 3 little disposable packs? 3 different ketchups (including one catsup)? One ketchup for each member of the household, so it never has to leave the side of the plate?

      What does it mean?!?

    2. Iam_Who_Iam

      Puhleese… you elitist aholes probly use tomato sauce, but us reel ‘mericans use katchup for everything from s’gettti sauce to chili to mom’s homade hamburger helper. And who in the hell gave you’all permission to post my grocery list?!!111!!?

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    "Winnies thot dog buns" has an almost Proustian vibe to it.

    À la recherche du Whitebread perdu

    1. MissTaken

      I really thought it was 'winnies that dog bons'. It took me way too long to translate into English.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        "Thought Dogs slathered in (mus)turds"
        Unintentional insight into the Real Merkn mind.

  3. harry_palmer

    White Kasuls and hamburger meet. They'll have to stop at KFC for a double down while they're waiting for maw/ sis to cook it.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Now, be fair–they spelled "meat" with an "a"; it's just really crappy handwriting (I read it as "meet" too, but then I looked closer). When you're on the line between a "D" and an "F," every point on the spelling test counts.

      1. MsQuasimodo

        Careful – what with no jerbs, home foreclosures, et alia, some of us out here might be trapping squirrels for food.

  4. hagajim

    I love me some bannas and cedar cheese…especially when I have some nice surgered cool aid to drink with it….holy tardshit Batman…this country is in deep trubble!

  5. OkieDokieDog

    Ketchup IS a mellowing agent.

    Too bad whoever wrote this forgot to add: giGenTiC boxx uf them RUbbrrs

  6. ttommyunger

    These people have money? Jerbs? Must be on Food Stamps. Please, tell me they are on Food Stamps or some kind of Government Relief. I don't want them serving me food or fixing my fucking car, please.

    1. chickensmack

      …or managing my hedge fund.

      Or, for that matter, driving on my roads or preaching in my churches.

      Or fucking.

    2. tessiee

      They had to quit their jerbs so they would have more time to go to Teabagger rallies and protest big guvmint.

  7. JoeBiteme

    "Tamatoes" huh? Could this be the Quayle family's grocery list?

    (By the way, I'll fully admit I had to check that spelling three times to ensure that I misspelled it correctly)

  8. SorosBot

    I'm running low on food myself, and think I'll pick up some stuf to make speggtti, cakes we like and cerail for you and kids tonight.

    1. PsycWench

      I particularly like that he/she specified "cakes we like". It's important to point that out, otherwise they might buy something unliked.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        There is cakes we like, and cakes we eet but dont like as much, and cakes we dont like.

        Still eatum.

        Diabeetus is hard work!

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    Also interesting to see the only non-food item on the list are those chemical hand warmer packs*. I wonder if this person is stocking up for a polar expedition, perhaps?

    *That's what is meant by Hot Pockets, right?

    1. DaRooster

      There are hardly any food items on there, most of this shit will withstand a nuclear attack and never rot…

      "Hawwt Pockeeets"- Jim Gaffigan

      1. Dr_Zoidberg

        So, that means these people will re-populate the earth after the coming apocalypse?

  10. Billmatic

    Ok fellas. My grocery lists are always hastily scrawled and terribly spelled. Yesterday I actually wrote "toofpix" on it. I think I've shown myself to be fairly literate 'round these parts, so lets pretend this person is too…I mean…tamatoes?

    But why do you need instant potatoes and a bag of potatoes?????

      1. Iam_Who_Iam

        My all time Farside favorite: "Go back to sleep Chuck. You're just havin' a nightmare- of course we are still in hell."

  11. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Oh lordie, and they have kids! At first I thought perhaps a child had written this but that last line definitely indicates that an "adult" wrote this list. I mean, "white kasuls?" IT'S WRITTEN ON THE DAMN BOX! COPY IT FROM THERE!

    I genuinely fear for this country.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      Took me like 10 minutes to even figure out what the hell that meant, and I live next to a white castle.

      God. Frozen white castle. from a box. No wonder they need all that ketchup.

      Those sliders are comparatively expensive, yet people buy it when they could get twice as much hamburger meat, buns, an onion, and some cheese for the same price. Oh, I forgot the pikkles.

      1. tessiee

        Well, to be "strickly" accurate, they do also have hamberger meet, cedar cheese, frys, and pikkles on the list. Maybe the white kasuls are to eat while they're waiting for the regular hambergers to cook?

        1. KenLayIsAlive

          Haha. You're absolutely right.

          In fact, they're probably some billionaire capitalists reverse engineering the sliders in an effort to start a profitable Chinese chain of hamburger joints called "White Kasul".

          He just misspelled everything because his monocle was all foggy.

          1. mildlysore

            I dare say, when will Jeeves return with our gravy packs? The ambassador will be here post haste.

  12. SheriffRoscoe

    This shopping list was composed by a member of the faculty of one of our nation's finest home schools, obvieuslee.

  13. edgydrifter

    On one hand, the author spelled "tomatoes" correctly. On the other hand, OMFG you stupid cow-whore–you misspelled "stuff." STUFF, for shit's sake! And "castle." And "sugar." Oh, my brain. Sir or madam, kindly hit your head with a hammer (or should I write "hamur" so you will understand) until you are dead or no longer an imbecile, whichever comes first.

    EDIT: Ho-ly shit. S/he didn't even spell tomatoes right. Got "taco" and "gravy," though, so way to go USA!

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Market it by the squeezable pint, maybe consider a free mobility scooter caddy, and you're printing effin money.

    1. tessiee

      This could be our Rosetta Stone moment to despairing for an entire civilization.

      Fixed that for ya.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    The fruits listed there at the top of the page were probably written down by some Soros-backed anti-TeaTard spy. No Real Merikan would eat all that hoverround food and also buy stuff that healthy.

    She spelled "Anusburgers" wrong, too.

    1. Ken Layne

      The fruits were scrawled hastily at the top of the list, after it was finished. It's as if some semblance of *guilt* struck this person just before they dispatched the spouse/first dude/old lady/whatever to WalMart. Maybe Oprah was on — you know *something* was on the teevee, constantly, day and night — and this parent person realized maybe the kids would like a special treat to go with their cerail.

      1. not that Dewey

        I once heard Oprah tell one of her guests that the lettuce garnish on her bacon cheeseburger DID NOT constitute a proper serving of vegetables. The guest was astonished.

      2. Jukesgrrl

        I guess you don't know about the recipe where cut-up fruit is mixed with miniature marshmallows and coated in a mixture of mayonnaise, sugar, and maraschino cherry juice (to add a festive pink color). Sprinkles on top: optional. It's a lovely side dish to serve with taco salad and counts as a vegetable in certain circles.

        1. not that Dewey

          Ambrosia salad! Food of the Gods! (I've seen the fake-coconut-shavings variant, as well.)

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      My wife is still pissed that I came home with only 2 ketchups because I lost my list.

  15. widestanceroman

    I proofread for a living and cannot decide whether I've got job security for life or am now a dinosaur.

    The War on Literacy has been won. This is truly awful.

  16. DaRooster

    Yes, of course one "musturd"… otherwise all this shit will remain in you for-fucking-ever and you'll never be able to eat a bunch of GARBICH forever ugin.
    And you no wii lyk tamatoes and so much we nead and tham twys… with bannas!

    FUK!

  17. Weenus299

    Beautiful. I say this as a collector of other people's discarded shopping lists. You can really get a bead on America by going over used shopping carts and parking lots. I encourage the lot of you to do so.

  18. Weenus299

    I sense this person just got his/her/their tax refund. The 3 ketchups and the "biscuts and gravy packs" was the clincher.

  19. cheaphits

    Well, at least they are from Kink City – I mean, Bi Sluts is underlined (can you get those at Walmart?) and poppers = Amyl Nitrate – hell, those folks may need a high calorie intake.

  20. user-of-owls

    True Story! Mrs. Owls is Korean (w/out the hyphen) and her grasp of the English language was, shall we say, tenuous when we were first married. One day as I was leaving she gave me a shopping list. I'd told her I needed razor blades, which she duly noted on the list. The first item: chaser blaze.

    1. tessiee

      It's one thing to not have English as your first language, and quite another not to *have* a first language.

  21. andrewdrinker

    Okay, I have to admit that our shopping lists are complete insanity, but we do that on purpose. Sometimes every single word on the list will be pluralized ("Honey, I think we're out of toilets papers."), or half of the list will be in German. Once in January, the word "dip" was placed after every item. Mmmmm, unsweetened soymilk dip….

    1. tessiee

      "Sometimes every single word on the list will be pluralized ("Honey, I think we're out of toilets papers.")"

      "Yous is outs of toilets papers" — Construction worker guy on Futurama

  22. MiniMencken

    Yesterday, as I was driving down from my Bernard Maybeck-designed house in the Berkeley hills in the Tesla, on the way to lunch at Chez Panisse with my old Jungian therapist, to discuss an upcoming Planned Parenthood fundraiser, I was briefly troubled by a premonition that America was becoming a class-bound society. This gave me a tiny frisson of discomfort similar to the one I experienced just now, reading that shopping list.

    1. tessiee

      What a recherche coincidence! The other Ph.D. candidates and I were discussing this very topic over our arugula lattes just yesterday. Then we all went out and performed an abortion under an endangered tree on an Indian reservation.

      1. MiniMencken

        Arugula lattes! I must ask Alice Waters to make me up one of those at my next luncheon at Chez P.

    2. mayor_quimby

      You sure has a lotta expensive soundin' words in that elitist head of yours. You probably got gay married just for the hell of it, didn't you?

  23. deanbooth

    You spell tamatoes
    I spell tomatoes
    You spell patatoes
    I spell potatoes
    Patatoes, potatoes
    Tamatoes, tomatoes
    Let's call the whole thing off.

  24. HistoriCat

    Well my daughter insists on that approach but she's 3. I'm hoping she'll outgrow it.

  25. problemwithcaring

    "cakes we like"

    Someone either really loves their spouse and knows them well, or they really love a certain kind of cake.

    Anyway, I withhold any more jokes about this person until I know more about their politics and can inspect their truck for nutz.

  26. Gleem_McShineys

    You ain't even have to write down "Brawndo for you an the grass" hunny, I rememberts good!

  27. Steverino247

    I used to work part-time at a bank. One day a guy comes in from the local bakery with the following list of rolled coins for change:

    4 Koras
    5 Dims
    3 Nicos
    5 Penis

    Keeping a straight face, I told him I only had one of those items and would need to get some more for him.

  28. donner_froh

    It is hard to spell words right: popcikles, cerail, spegtti. But how do you misspell a brand name for a product that you have had in your house and used for your entire life: Coolaid?

    1. maureenn

      What's awesome is that they've actually corrected the spelling from 'kool' as it is misspelled in the brand name to 'cool' as god intended it to be. I wonder if they did that on purpose, in a fit of pique about how misspelled brand names are the downfall of our society…

    2. mayor_quimby

      The local food-like products dispensary in my corner of the hood actually has "Koolaid" on one of their aisle signs.
      This is where I would normally say as Chris Rock says "black people are the only people that hate black people more than white people. "

  29. DaRooster

    No, no… I finally got it…
    She is sending her husband to the store and he don't read no good no how.
    I feel much better now that it was written this way on purpose.

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      Wally-world iz in the dry countie… gotta drive down thru Dribblesville to the next countie for our licksquore and wizkey.

  30. nounverb911

    Didn't Reagan designate Ketchup as a vegetable in 1981?
    (Of course that was before he became one himself.)

  31. thebeatgoeson08

    I was shopping with my daughter when she was about 5 and she was holding my list. When I looked at it , there was an entry that said DEAD CAT. It was her idea of a joke. But at least she spelled it correctly!
    I do have a friend, however, who is quite intelligent and can't spell to save his life (shugar for sugar). But I don't think you'll find instant potatoes or white castle or hamburger helper on his list.

  32. doxastic

    For the writer, the world of words must be like being surrounded by vaguely familiar hieroglyphs.

  33. __kth__

    Also, 2 packs "apeace" isn't bad for that much food. Unless you look at it as, they are going to eat all that stuff in the time it takes them to smoke 2 packs of cigs. Which one is the independent variable? More journalism, plz.

  34. Jukesgrrl

    No reminder to stop at the medical marijuana outlet on the way home? Maybe that's a given.

    1. tessiee

      "No reminder to stop at the medical marijuana outlet on the way home?"

      They stopped there immediately before making this list.

  35. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    years ago, in my bleak, bleak moments while living in south bend, indiana, i would often think to myself 'if this whole city was nuked and burned to the ground with me in it, the world wouldn't miss it.' that's sort of how this list makes me feel.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      How is it that your p is still only 92?! You must have gotten 92 fists on EACH of your recent posts from the labor front.

  36. CliveWarren

    This isn't a shopping list… I'm pretty sure this is a part of Bristol Palin's University of Arizona application. I believe they asked the applicants to submit an essay.

    "Who would you invite to your dream dinner party ". 1000 words or less, please…

    She aced the word limit part. And "Cedar Cheese" isn't a typo – it's how she signs her letters and paintings.

    May she and her kids enjoy many happy cerails…

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      Dr. Pepper, none of that cherry or diet shit. OMG, I totally understand this list. Kill. Me. Now.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      I bot tamatoes but fergot patatoes 'n' surgar for the coolaid. Next time I only do an half bag of cirstal beefour I goe shoping.

  37. GregComlish

    I have a totally different take on this. I was pleasantly shocked to discover that all four items at the top of the list referred to actual healthy foods, two of which were properly spelled. In my opinion, you guys have succumbed to the soft bigotry of too high expectations.

  38. jus_wonderin

    Folks, you are looking at this all wrong. The list was written so the five year old could comprehend and do the shopping while Mom took a disco nap in the van before her next “client”.

  39. mosaickmind

    Hubby must be perty to smart. Doesn't even have to know what is needed to make spegetti or taco salad. But I guess he could look at the back of the hamberger helper or manwich (which man?) I didn't know it takes 3 instant potatoes to make a bag of potatoes either
    3 ketchups for 3 bags o fries?..and more tamatoes. Got the veggies covered…

  40. guymartini1984

    The misspellings are offensive and all, but judging by the food items indicated, I seriously pity the poor plumbing in these 'people's' home.

  41. DahBoner

    "Wal-Mart brings guns back…Wal-Mart's ready to do battle on prices"

    You guys cover me while I make a run to Costco. I think K-mart is sneaking up behind us…

  42. FlexPerks

    'Any man who can think of only one way to spell a word can't be very intelligent'
    -Andrew Jackson

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