The Butt-Touching of Our 44th President

  barry can you hear me?

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz. It is the customary habit of your authoress to commence her weekly Barack Obama fan kkkolumn with various nasty comments about you, her loyal and handsome readership. This week, she wishes to begin in a spirit of love and compassion, for this is the way of the Christ. It is too bad you are such a piece of human excrement that she has to hold her nose while typing. Read on about the lewd things our president has done, if you even know how to read, you back-alley abortion of an American.

On Friday, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden met with Democratic governors. Why would anyone want to meet with these sociopaths on purpose? Flash-forward to :43 to watch Bammerz bro-hug Brian Schweitzer with a resounding backslap heard all the way to Schweitzer’s homeland of Montana. Montana is a state, and it has a governor, did you know? That governor is Brian Schweitzer. Do you see how it all connects? This is called “award-winning journalism,” and I’m bringing it to you even though I haven’t gone to J-school! If you do have a J-school degree, please use it to give yourself a thousand paper cuts, now.

On Monday, all the worthless leaders of America’s failed states appeared in one place for to hear the Michelle Obama and the Dr. Jill Biden say things to them about military families whilst looking distractingly sexy. Then Bammerz himself said some things. Probably Haley Barbour had to restrain himself from calling out “15 for the high-yella one!” and remarking to his neighbor, “He’s strong enough for the field but might make a real presentable butler. I shall ask Mother her opinion when we return to Mossy Oaks.”

Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary is silent on the topic of what happened Tuesday, which means, as always, that there were giant interracial orgies followed by the ceremonial burning of fetuses on the South Lawn.

On Wednesday, Michelle Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan read the filthy communist classic Green Eggs and Ham to a roomful of unsuspecting, innocent children. The only upside to this atrocity was that it induced vegan activists to commit suicide en masse all across the nation. It is a fact that these people’s farts are the reason hate still exists.

Alright, in all seriousness, please gaze upon the adorableness that begins at 2:28 when Michelle Obama greets the frenzied children in raver hats. Are they all jawing hard on ecstasy? Probably. But dear God, it is the cutest fucking thing.

Actual fap material: at 2:51, Barry gives Michelle an upper booty pat. He probably “meant” it to be just a lower-back thing, but careful analysis shows that he totally touches her butt. Huh huh. Huh huh. Butt. (Seriously, I am totally pro-Barry, but if he ever cheats on her I will vomit with anger.)

Other fap material: at 3:04, Joyce Carol Oates! She looks like Emily Dickinson reimagined as a Brooklyn hipster. At 3:05 witness Obama cheerfully greeting horrible human being Phillip Roth.

On Thursday, BamBam let an actual Mexican person enter his house. This would be President Felipe de Jesús Calderón Hinojosa. Somewhere, Jan Brewer’s dusty vagina bared its monster teeth and growled. Anyway, maybe they talked about Ciudad Juarez used to be relatively murdery like Newark but with really cheap Prozac and better Chinese food (your author has fond memories from when she taught high school with AmeriCorps near the Border and would get her brain drugs at an 80% discount!) and now it is so very murdery it is more like Camden?

Alright, faptards, have a nice weekend, whatever “nice” means in your hellish firepit of a town or metropolis. Your authoress will be judging this live literary fuckshow next Thursday night, and if you are unfortunate enough to live in the New York City or its surrounded cesspools, you might come to this. Haha, and on Wednesday she is doing red-carpet coverage for a comedic entity at the Roast of Donald Trump, hahahahhahah, what sorts of political questions should she ask Snoop Dogg? Put them in the comments, if you want to do at least one helpful thing today, you worthless fuckholes.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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144 comments

  1. Steverino247

    Ask Snoop Dogg why he risked his clean image by going on ex-con Martha Stewart's program.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Snoop, like all sensible people, has realized that "youth" has an expiration date. You can't stay relevant to the youth because they are a) young and stupid, and b) fickle, and c) fuckable. As most intelligent people age, they become a) older and wiser, b) cognizant of the fact that you shouldn't burn ALL of your bridges, and c) less fuckable. If you wish to gain respect instead of pity, you should follow in the footsteps of most intelligent people. Otherwise you risk becoming like Madonna or Hugh Hefner. Rich, famous, and pitiful.

      1. LibrulEleet

        My research generally confirms your observation that fuckability is inversely proportional to age, especially where the fucker's age is assumed to remain constant. However, the effect is less pronounced where the ages of both the fucker and the fuckee are increasing at the same rate.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Green eggs and ham are the "Groundhog Day" of food. Eat 'em, puke 'em. Hmm, they look just the same. Eat 'em, puke 'em. Hmm, they look just the same. Hey, when do I get the girl?

      1. DoktorZoom

        Would you puke them from a car?
        Would you puke them fast and far?

        Would you puke them from a plane?
        Would your puke stream down like rain?

        Would you puke them from a boat?
        Would you puke and watch it float?

        I'll puke them anywhere I am
        I cannot hold the, Sam I….GRUUAAHHHGGGHHHHHHHH

  2. aisai

    Silly Obama, you don't reform a states's education system by lifting the cap on charter schools. You do it by firing half the teachers, crushing the rights of those that remain and cutting huge amounts of funding to an already underfunded system.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes…and the key to good school reform is to double the size of classrooms for those teachers whom you haven't fired but keep making overtures that you will soon fire. Because as we all know…fear of losing your job coupled with 60 kids in a class that fits 30 is the very best way to get educators to perform. You have seen the way toward fixing our education system…lord political Jedi.

      Oh and you forgot one more thing….lifting the means testing from vouchers. Nothing says you care about educating the poor more than diverting barrels of cash from underfunded, financially strapped districts for at-risk kids to the much more deserving and at-risk wealthy children to attend private school (especially because of that private tuition being a write-off to begin with). Scott Walker isn't a Koch tease, he's a flat out shameless Koch whore…

      1. OhNoGuy

        Don't forget the guns! Guns, guns, guns for everyone. Classroom discipline will become faster, easier and more final. The phrase "firing teachers" will have new meaning!

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Silly aisai, charter schools have the desired result of firing half the teachers and crushing the rights of those that remain. They were invented to get around the teacher's unions, living wages, reasonable requirements for working conditions and wages, and, best of all, to create schools that keep the riffraff out, simulating private schools but retaining public funding. School vouchers, on the other hand, are mainly intended to subsidize Christian madrasas.

  3. harry_palmer

    You taught high school and all you needed was Prozac? I suppose they'd help as long as you washed them down with tequila. And you were teaching Mexicans, not Texicans.

    1. Guppy06

      I'm still convinced that a battery of anti-PTSD drugs should be a part of school lunch programs.

    2. Janinthepan

      I've drink more heavily now as a high school teacher then I ever did in college. Oh, and zannies help too.

  4. PublicLuxury

    Green Eggs and Ham farts are the absolute worse. Terror babies entering the public terrorist training schools across the nation eat them on Can't Read Across America Day. God save the Queen

    1. ttommyunger

      Never forget; there is more room on the outside than there is on the inside….Words to fart by.

  5. weejee

    We fix green eggs & ham with green milk every Highest of High Holy Daze. You know the one when Erin goes braless, Erin go bragh or sumpthin'.

  6. AutomaticPilot

    Haley Barbour was disappointed he didn't get close enough to fully examine Obama's teeth.

  7. PsycWench

    The next time Mr. PsycWench embraces me and pats my butt, it will count as a role-playing sex game.

      1. PsycWench

        do you call him mr. psycwench?
        *big grin*
        No. I have some special names that I call him at special times, though.

  8. Crank_Tango

    what's all this about J-school? Can't we say jew anymore? Is this what Dirty Rick Sanchez was talking about?

  9. karen

    You stay in those fancy areas like NYC and DC, aren't you the least bit interested in, say…Northeast Ohio? I mean, we're famous and all now, with our O.J. Simpson inspired "If the fetus doesn't kick, you must acquit!", don't you wanna come visit?!!?!?!

  10. waitforsugar

    Dear Ms. Benincasa,

    You had me at worthless fuckhole. I officially love you now.

    Kisses,
    wfs

  11. SayItWithWookies

    For someone who managed to get the Secretary of Education gig, Duncan sure isn't that good at reading in public. Fortunately Michelle knows how to take the reins when it's necessary.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Well, I think it's been necessary for quite a while to give that left rein a long hard constant pull to counteract Mr. O's tendency to drift to the right.

  12. Sophist[ArsPunetica]

    Yes, but it looks like leprechaun piss instead of horse piss. Vive la différence!

  13. Barbara_i

    Ask Snoop who he thinks is the biggest "piece of shizzle" Newt or Huckabee? Then ask him if he would enjoy seeing Martha Stewart, gluing pine cones to Donald Trump's head?
    Also, is it true that Donald compulsively washes his hands for 10 minutes after being in contact with non-billionaires?

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      I saw him on the street once. He has like… I struggle to describe his hair.

      The color of a creamsicle, the texture like the wispy strands along the edges of a heavily used piece of felt in a children's craft class, and sitting there on his head with all the grace of a passed out man covered in vomit and slumped over on a park bench.

      It was all very strange.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Like a well-chewed bagpipe that one might find washed up on the beach. Or so I imagine.

  14. el_donaldo

    If there is not any Michelle Obama/Jill Biden lesbian fanfic, there should be. In fact, in a little bit, I think I can guarantee that there will be.

  15. smokefilledroommate

    Ask Snoop if he thinks the Teabaggers ♪♫ got-to-hear-the-shit on W-BALLS, W-BALLS, W-BALLS! ♪♫

  16. gef05

    Michelle and the kids with the hats. Michelle looks gorgeous. The kids in their hats are gorgeous.

    Barry shaking Philip Roth's hand. That ROCKS.

    The butt grab. Dammit. Not good enough Baz – NEEDS MORE GROPING.

    Political question for Snoop Dog. "Seriously, when are you going to stop it with all this fucking shizzle business?"

  17. Tommmcatt

    It is too bad you are such a piece of human excrement that she has to hold her nose while typing

    God that is hot.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Rice too – at least in the 40s when they started destroying beer to cut down on how buzzed workers could get on their lunch hour.

      1. weejee

        Adolphus Busch of Buttwiper fame also founded the Lone Star Brewing Co. down in Tejas. They sent a sample of their flagship brand LSD to the lab for testing (and no you sillies not the hippie thing but Lone Star Draft). Results came back that Adolphus' horse had diabetes.

        1. V572625694

          True story: I once talked to an engineer who'd been invited to The Brewery (as they call it in St Louis) to interview for a job. They were showing him layout drawings for a proposed process piping thing, and the guy he was talking to got called out of the room to take a phone call. When he came back, he asked my acquaintance, "Can you make it work with 12-inch pipe?"

          "Sure," my guy said. "I'm an engineer. I can make anything work."

          The Brewery dude yelled back into the adjacent room, "Okay, buy it!"

          "What was that about?"

          "A box car full of 12–inch stainless steel pipe."

          Oh, and the "beechwood aging" they brag about? The beer sluices through a trough of beechwood chips for about 15 seconds on its way to the bottle. Yummy!

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Green Eggs and Ham is the ultimate Socialist book. I'm surprised that the 'baggers and FOX News have not demanded that it be the only book permitted in our schools.

    In the book, the noble, nameless individual, clearly a John Galt figure, is attacked by the government (Sam-I-Am/Uncle Sam), who continues to try to force him to eat "Green Eggs and Ham," undoubtedly as part of a plot by Muslims to impose Sharia Law. Sam is joined in his pursuit by other icons of the Left, a train (Union Labor), a goat (Agricultural Subsidies), a fox (Liberal Hedonism), who continue to force the individual into a situation where he has no choice but to accept the government handout and loose his individuality. In the end, he is swept over and almost drowned by Liberalism, and left nothing more than another cog in the creation of the greater Caliphate.

    While Atlas Shrugged does touch on many of the same themes, it is Seuss's literate writing style, coupled with a better sense of plotting, that brings the point home. I am sure that if he doesn't become President, Newt Gingrich will help put together the movie version, staring Mel Gibson.

    1. PsycWench

      Dr. Seuss' style lends itself well to the other side though:

      The teabaggers surged
      toward Palin, their queen
      They like how she's purty
      They like how she's mean

      They bitch about the price
      of anus burgers and cakes
      and how they saw someone with food stamps
      once buy Frosted Flakes

      They don't care if the poor
      go hungry and shoeless
      they think we all agree with them
      My God, are they clueless

  19. fuflans

    if barry ever cheats on michelle i'm pretty sure michelle will cut him to the death with a can opened can lid – or blunt teaspoon – before anybody can even think of vomiting.

    but i totally agree with sara sentiment.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'm thinking back on what Whoopi Goldberg said about Lionel Richie's wife. "You know Linda got dressed. Got her hair done, got her nails done. Then beat Lionel's ass so bad he thought he was back in the Commodores."

      I'm guessing something similar, only with the Presidenct winding up thinking his name is Barry again and he's hanging out on the North Shore getting stoned.

    2. sezme

      And yet, Michelle is constantly cheating on Barry with me (in my fap-dreams). And he just sits there and takes it in the name of "bipartisanship."

  20. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    "Probably Haley Barbour had to restrain himself from calling out “15 for the high-yella one!” "

    once again, you have straddled the line between offensiveness and hilarity highly successfully.

    now fucking donate!

      1. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

        trust me, there are lots of bad, bad things running through my head right now imagining this, but i can't write them. and i suspect that i'm not even close to what ye olde strom would say in public.

      2. WriteyWriterton

        "Abaduh Abaduh Abaduh Abaduh Abaduh Abaduh Abaduh"? Oh, you mean before he was completely senile/President Pro Tem of the Senate?

  21. donner_froh

    Our goddess Sara and Jane Bussmann on the same stage at the same time is almost too fabulously pulchritudinous and insanely funny to imagine.

  22. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    i hope you get a national medal of arts for this. from the looks of them, i could probably whip one up out of tin foil, gold spray paint and rags. roth and oates must be so proud.

  23. ttommyunger

    Reading about all this wasted motion and foppery once again reenforces my good feelings about my reply when asked to run for public office some forty years ago. Without hesitation or thought, I laughed in his face.

  24. James Michael Curley

    Even if he wash them with Brillo right in front of me, I would NOT shake hands with Phillip Roth.

  25. fuflans

    oh the people you see @ west wing week in review
    the stars and the pols and the aides that you screw
    the Mexican president and children in hats
    and then dogs and republicans (wearing those spats).
    union disaster, barbor and jowls, butt patting prez
    and those governor’s howls!
    like a lion we enter the third month (that’s march)
    with our sara the queen of wonkette brand snark starch.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Are you still subject to the restraining order in re school playgrounds? I know I am.

  26. neiltheblaze

    Shit. Sara, for a second there I thought you were serious and weren't going to insult us.

  27. eastgermanautos

    I love that needy little creature at 2:35, reaching out to embrace our first lady. please, in your next article, some videos of kittens, koalas, baby turtles victoriously reaching the ocean. thank you.

  28. WhatTheHeck

    I write from my hellish firepit of a town in the true spirit of love and compassion to ask, was this column ghost written? I mean, you started off so lovingly nice to us, your loyal and handsome readership. Please don't confuse me like that again. Kbye

  29. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Ms. Benincasa, first, you put the passion back in The Passion of the Christ.

    Second, your channeling of Governor Barbour was uncanny. How does a Yankee girl know such things?

    And third: "Mr. Dogg, the Obama administration has employed monetary policy, and more specifically quantitative easing, as a tool to stimulate economic growth and to modulate aspects of market forces that are at odds with the need for expanded lending and job growth. If you had the opportunity to slip it to First Lady Michelle Obama, would you be more predisposed to powder your motherfucking nose or stoke the weed furnace, yo?"

  30. The_Great_Gazoo

    I told Haley Barbour that, for the high yella one, I'd see his fifteen and raise him thirty. He passed. Said he already had an upstairs Negro. Seriously.

  31. GhostBuggy

    I like your Benincasa, but not your Benincasans. Your Benincasans are so unlike your Benincasa. Also.

  32. Extemporanus

    You should ask Mr. Dogg whether it's like this, like that, or like this, and, uh…which takes precedence: his money, or his mind?

    Then you should give him a terrorist booty pat, whip out your tit with the Tupac tattoo, bogart his indo, Rascaljack his moms, and low-ride the muthafuckin' shit outta there, ho.

      1. Extemporanus

        "With so much drama in the L-B-E, it's kinda hard bein' Mistah D-A-R-CEE."

        - Mr. Darcy, Gin & Prejudice

  33. Negropolis

    To kind of put the violence of Juarez into perspective, they nearly have as many murders in one or two months as Detroit has in an entire year, and the Detroit metropolitan area is nearly twice the size of metropolitan Juarez. Alos.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Don't forget the beheadings and acid baths. For those special moments when merely shooting a rival 40 or 50 times isn't enough!

  34. bflrtsplk

    Ask Snoop if he and the McDonald plan to swap hair styles when Doggy Dogg makes his appearance on the special celebrity edition of The Apprentice.

    1. Come here a minute

      As for artwork, the Texas landscapes that dominated the walls in the Bush years were gone with Obama's inauguration. Swapped back in were traditional Oval Office paintings including Childe Hassam's "The Avenue in the Rain," an impressionist view of New York's flag-bedecked Fifth Avenue, and Norman Rockwell's colorful "Statue of Liberty."

      What do I win?

        1. V572625694

          A diós, Suze! You inspired some wonderful music but were, if your interview w/Terry Gross is any guide, otherwise uninteresting.

  35. littlebigdaddy

    I don't know bout Haley's mama, but I bet his wife would be totally down with Obama as a member of the "inside staff."

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Nahh…Barry is too uppity and Haley still knows the stories about how his grandaddy dealt with Kunta Kinte; yes Roots is considered a comedic family film to the Barber family. Haley likes his slaves the way he likes his pork: submissive for when he gets a bit too much moonshine in him and wants to listen to the romance of Pat Boone songs nearby his favorite Sow, Patsy. Then, just like with Patsy when they get old enough…bacon.

  36. Lost_Teabaggers

    I go through a relatively abuse free week (I'm not married yet, thank god) just so I can be fresh and pure for Sara to immasculate me. Thanks for keeping our egos in check you fiery locked big breasted goddess, you; and yes, we can feel the love in every contempt-filled reference.

  37. Lost_Teabaggers

    Speaking of Haley Barbour…conservatives are dancing the tango with white power these days even more than usual; they're literally the election of Sarah Palin as president away from shaving their heads, wearing suspenders and listening to oy. This cnn article is hilarious because of just how soft and whiney most white people are (present company on this site excluded) and how they love to equivocate themselves to actual abused minorities. "Oh noes we can't call black people monkeys and not be condemned, it's like being actually beaten with nightsticks!" Seriously though, I am white (of Irish-German descent) but I just spent a literal hour of my time abusing these honkeys on Cnn.com because they just don't get white privilege, the fucking evolution-suspect inbred, teabaggin' southern morons. Anyway, here's the article and I'd like to invite any of you civilized failed back alley abortions to go on to the site and abuse these pathetic racist bitches…god I fucking hate wingnuts. http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/12/21/white.persecutio

    1. WriteyWriterton

      "…civilized failed back alley abortions…"
      I believe my restaurant pager just went off. Our table's ready, honey!

    1. Negropolis

      Scott, this is Scott Rasmussen. Take the goddamned hint, already, ok?

      Does he not know that it's a huge deal for Rasmussen Reports to even ask a question like this?

  38. DahBoner

    You ain't seen ass grabbing until Ole Newtie the GOP sleazy lounge lizard seizes power…

  39. HurricaneAli

    @sara – please ask Snoop Dogg if he was indeed the inspiration for Flava-Flav's exuberant lyric, "'cause everything you eat's got Flava." I don't know if this is true (or even a rumour) but it would be fun to see where it leads!

  40. imissopus

    Probably Haley Barbour had to restrain himself from calling out “15 for the high-yella one!” and remarking to his neighbor, “He’s strong enough for the field but might make a real presentable butler. I shall ask Mother her opinion when we return to Mossy Oaks.”

    I wish I had written that, you talented bitch.

  41. BarackMyWorld

    I don't know how Benincasa can talk about butt touching without feeling like a big tease.

  42. pooniska

    Venezuela makes all conflicted parts of the world look like hapless pikers with wrist rockets and pea shooters. 14,000 homicides last year out of a population of 28,000,000 Meanwhile President Chavez runs his mouth all day on TV instead, of, i don't know, doing some chief executive type shit. Now he has his tongue all the way up M. el Qaddafi's bung hole, which will distract him from things like, geez, i don;t know, paving the streets of the towns in the interior, stopping corruption in Customs.

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