The Butt-Touching of Our 44th President

It is the customary habit of your authoress to commence her weekly Barack Obama fan kkkolumn with various nasty comments about you, her loyal and handsome readership. This week, she wishes to begin in a spirit of love and compassion, for this is the way of the Christ. It is too bad you are such a piece of human excrement that she has to hold her nose while typing. Read on about the lewd things our president has done, if you even know how to read, you back-alley abortion of an American.

On Friday, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden met with Democratic governors. Why would anyone want to meet with these sociopaths on purpose? Flash-forward to : 43 to watch Bammerz bro-hug Brian Schweitzer with a resounding backslap heard all the way to Schweitzer's homeland of Montana. Montana is a state, and it has a governor, did you know? That governor is Brian Schweitzer. Do you see how it all connects? This is called "award-winning journalism," and I'm bringing it to you even though I haven't gone to J-school! If you do have a J-school degree, please use it to give yourself a thousand paper cuts, now.

On Monday, all the worthless leaders of America's failed states appeared in one place for to hear the Michelle Obama and the Dr. Jill Biden say things to them about military families whilst looking distractingly sexy. Then Bammerz himself said some things. Probably Haley Barbour had to restrain himself from calling out "15 for the high-yella one!" and remarking to his neighbor, "He's strong enough for the field but might make a real presentable butler. I shall ask Mother her opinion when we return to Mossy Oaks."

Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary is silent on the topic of what happened Tuesday, which means, as always, that there were giant interracial orgies followed by the ceremonial burning of fetuses on the South Lawn.

On Wednesday, Michelle Obama and Secretary of Education Arne Duncan read the filthy communist classic Green Eggs and Ham to a roomful of unsuspecting, innocent children. The only upside to this atrocity was that it induced vegan activists to commit suicide en masse all across the nation. It is a fact that these people's farts are the reason hate still exists.

Alright, in all seriousness, please gaze upon the adorableness that begins at 2: 28 when Michelle Obama greets the frenzied children in raver hats. Are they all jawing hard on ecstasy? Probably. But dear God, it is the cutest fucking thing.

Actual fap material: at 2: 51, Barry gives Michelle an upper booty pat.He probably "meant" it to be just a lower-back thing, but careful analysis shows that he totally touches her butt. Huh huh. Huh huh. Butt. (Seriously, I am totally pro-Barry, but if he ever cheats on her I will vomit with anger.)

Other fap material: at 3: 04, Joyce Carol Oates! She looks like Emily Dickinson reimagined as a Brooklyn hipster. At 3: 05 witness Obama cheerfully greeting horrible human being Phillip Roth.

On Thursday, BamBam let an actual Mexican person enter his house. This would be President Felipe de Jesús Calderón Hinojosa. Somewhere, Jan Brewer's dusty vagina bared its monster teeth and growled. Anyway, maybe they talked about Ciudad Juarez used to be relatively murdery like Newark but with really cheap Prozac and better Chinese food (your author has fond memories from when she taught high school with AmeriCorps near the Border and would get her brain drugs at an 80% discount!) and now it is so very murdery it is more like Camden?

Alright, faptards, have a nice weekend, whatever "nice" means in your hellish firepit of a town or metropolis. Your authoress will be judging this live literary fuckshow next Thursday night, and if you are unfortunate enough to live in the New York City or its surrounded cesspools, you might come to this. Haha, and on Wednesday she is doing red-carpet coverage for a comedic entity at the Roast of Donald Trump, hahahahhahah, what sorts of political questions should she ask Snoop Dogg? Put them in the comments, if you want to do at least one helpful thing today, you worthless fuckholes.