weiner on weiner

A Penis May Have Appeared On Fox News the Other Day

Like shooting puns in a barrel of dicks.
Yes, a lot of dicks appear on Fox News. But it’s unusual for a literal, anatomical penis to make to air on this teevee channel for families (70-year-old white people with bloodlust). In the background of that Megyn Kelly interview we posted yesterday, a man in a suit standing behind Weiner across the Capitol Rotunda unzipped his pants multiple times and stuck his hand in, giggling about it with his fellow frat lobbyists.

Watch beginning at the 0:50 mark to see this guy set down his folders, turned to the camera, and start rummaging around in his pants. It’s a little tough to see if any skin actually emerges. Thankfully. Unless you’re one of those people who are into disgusting middle aged men walking around the Capitol.

Keen-eyed Wonkette operative “Kate” writes, “Obviously you can’t touch anything in the Capitol, gross.” No kidding. Never work there, kids. It may look like white sandstone and marble, but the whole thing is just covered in semen. That’s the only reason to work in the Capitol: wanting to feel powerful so badly that you rub your genitals on everything there.

Let us know if you recognize this fellow, though.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • gabjoh

    You had to know somebody had that fetish.

  • DrunkIrishman

    What a coincidence, penis is Glenn Beck's nickname around the FOX News studio.

    • bflrtsplk

      In keeping with Faux policy of limiting syllables to one per word, that has been shortened to dick – small d.

  • Barbara_i

    Wow, that video had more Wang than the Shanghai white pages. Finally, something for the gal Wonkateers.
    Hey Lizzie, did ya see this?

    • Limeylizzie

      Hmmmm? I just got home so let me take a look .

    • karen

      Don't be assuming all of us gal Wonkateers enjoy the Wangs. Where's the wicked hot lobbyist ladies who get the congressmen to do whatever the corporate Koch whores want? C'mon now girls, set down your talking points and unbutton that blouse!

      • DeeJayKitteh

        Even if I did want to see wang (which I don't) I most definitely wouldn't want to see the wang attached to that pasty, doughy body.

  • GuyClinch

    He was simply adjusting his Koch-ring.

    • freakishlywrong

      I could suck that comment's koch.

    • gullywompr

      win.

  • Lazy Media

    Y'all aren't old, fat guys who wear suits, are you? If you're an OFGWWS, and your shirt pulls up, pretty much the only way to get it back into a decent condition is to drop the ol' zipper and yank down hard. That's what baldy appears to be doing here.

    I was hoping he would be doing the "finger out the fly" bit, but nope, he's just tidying up.

    • WIDTAP

      I'd have to agree. It looks like he doesn't notice that he is in line of sight of the camera and is using the pillar as cover from closer angles.

      That said, perhaps we can all agree what he was saying was "Nothing to see here!"

      • danceswithpalin

        I think that the "nothing to see here" comment tonight is the equivalent of the Rodney King "can't we all just get along." Thanks WIDTAP for your contribution to internet world peace.

    • DeeJayKitteh

      I know they got rid of the biodegradable kitchenware to cut back on costs, but I had no idea they also got rid of all the bathrooms in which these kind of shirt-pulling-down activities could be done in private.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Knowing my luck, I'd get the shopping cart this guy had just used at the grocery store.

  • MaxUdargo

    Hey, you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

    • proudgrampa

      You already have 116 of them. What? Oh. Never mind.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Megyn seems to instinctively pucker her lips around :50.

  • forgracie

    How's it hanging Congressman?

  • Gopherit

    Just try and keep shriveled phalluses off Fox "News". You just can't do it.

    And be fair to the guy. sometimes, the boys need a breath of fresh air.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    This is a very heterosexual moment. Srsly. Lots of guys do this and it's OK and normal and not gay.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Is that the transcript from Larry Craig's courtroom appearance?

  • Gopherit

    Can't we get a ball gag for Megyn Kelly?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe that's what the guy was reaching for.

    • nounverb911

      I just hope she takes a really long maternity leave starting next month.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Any kind of gag will work.

    • El Pinche

      I think duct tape would be better.

  • Barbara_i

    I wonder if Beulah Balbricker is going to have a line up to identify the offender?

  • jus_wonderin

    She's just as much the bitch as she was the first time around. Or is she the dick?

  • SexySmurf

    He's a lobbyist for the crabs industry.

  • nounverb911

    Did he get extra p points for playing with himself?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Hey, sometimes you just gotta give the old undercarriage a bit of the "How's your father?"

  • Barbara_i

    Penis goes in, penis goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. You can’t explain why penis goes in.

    • gef05

      "You can’t explain why penis goes in."

      I'm pretty sure I can.

      • DeeJayKitteh

        Because of Jesus. Obvs.

  • nounverb911

    "Let us know if you recognize this fellow, though."
    If it was orange, John Boner

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    "A dick on Fox News" is just the new way of saying "Dog bites man."

  • Come here a minute

    Fox News Baba Booey!

  • Extemporanus

    The fact that this act of pubic indecency occurred while Weiner was discussing Justice Long Dong Silver's lady problems makes it all the more not sexy.

  • SexySmurf

    Maybe someone asked to see his poll?

  • V572625694

    No way are you going to trick me into watching that Megyn-Anthony screaming match twice.

  • SorosBot

    It's OK; the dude's a lobbyist, so his non-metaphorical penis isn't big enough for the camera to see it.

    • widestanceroman

      You know who just returned to DC as a lobbyist? Read my screen name for a clue.

      • SexySmurf

        I didn't know the glory hole industry had lobbyists?

        • widestanceroman

          I think it's the other way around.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's John Ensign — he's required to make sure he knows where his dick is five times a day.

    • Extemporanus

      That would explain why Ensign nicknamed his dick "Lil' Mecca".

    • V572625694

      Part of the settlement, no doubt.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants
    • Extemporanus

      "Sheeeeeit, if this gon' be that kinda lobby…"

    • ttommyunger

      At least he isn't near.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Obviously anticipating some of those teabag folks rolling by on their scooters.

  • Chillwaver

    People dicking around on Capitol Hill? No fucking way!

  • fuflans

    oh troll, don't you have some cheetos to consume?

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Always seem to appear in the penis stories, don't they?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    A soft core flashing.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Look, congress is just awash with money. They're full up. Saturated. Now your thinking lobbyist, willing to go the extra mile, says to himself "look, if I want get that new loophole into the tax code, I might have to show Lindsey Graham a little skin".

    Viola. And that's how the sausage gets made. Or put in a Senators mouth. Whatever.

  • Extemporanus

    BREAKING: "A 'Palm Tree' May Have Appeared On Fox News the Other Day"

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Wow. If you're packing a palm tree, you can write your own ticket in Washington.

      • Extemporanus

        It's all about the CocoNutz™.

        • CapnFatback

          Funny, I thought the ones in the video were NillaNutz.™

  • harry_palmer

    Notice Glenn Beck has NEVER appeared somewhere else in the photograph while that guy whips it out. Coincidence?

  • harry_palmer

    That's not a guy's wicked peepee. That's Jack's email pal "explaining Louisiana history" to some school kids.

  • baconzgood

    "Hey Bill. You wanna see my impersonation of Clarence Thomas around a can of Coke?"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Up there in the capitol I believe the zipping and unzipping of the fly with jiggling is referred to as trolling for pages.

  • PublicLuxury

    So these two congressmen go into a bar. . .

  • undeterredbyreality

    Just more "palm trees" from Faux.

    Edit: Oh, hell, I didn't see Extemporanus' comment.

    • Extemporanus

      The world needs more palm tree jokes, not fewer.

      • bagofmice

        I a frond of this idea, especially if it comes with coconutz.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The new secret handshake of the House of Representatives majority whip.

  • mavenmaven

    Much like many of us, that guy was just fishing for p-points…

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    Downfist troll: Drop your dick and downfist deez nutz!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Everyone just got one back – upfisted the whole page

      • Extemporanus

        …and boy are my arms tired!

        *rimjob*

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          gotta get yer aerobics where ya can

        • 738838

          I think you mean rimshot. Unless you are a lobbyist.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    It was an act of respect. He was just trying to put a pube in his Koch before the Thomas tape ran.

  • PublicLuxury

    Was it a pissing match? Were they measuring their swords for a duel? Did they want to see it because it had a tattoo or some drippy disease? There are literally thousands of reasons to toss your junk around in the Rotunda.

  • LabRodent

    Fox News and Dicks. Who knew?
    Oooooh wait now i get it.

  • MinAgain

    First time wearing a thong, buddy?

  • WhatTheHeck

    most people who play pocket pool usually keep their hands in their pockets.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Now we know why Donald Trump hates to shake hands.

  • aguacatero

    Thank god the turkey shredder machine from the Palin video was nowhere on the scene, or this could have been an awful bloody tragedy.

  • SorosBot

    I am actually kind of surprised; when I read someone exposed themselves to Megyn Kelly on Fox News, I assumed it was Bill O'Reilly.

  • phlox✔

    You can have his penis when you pry it from his cold,dead hand.

  • XOhioan

    Forget him. The older woman (on the left, 0:40) is clearly taking a dump.

  • voodooeconomics

    Hey look a Dem on Fox news who happens to be named Weiner. Lets show him what we think of him, trying to torpedo our shaft mining operation.

  • Steverino247

    Man, it's taking forever to get to 100 p…

    • Extemporanus

      Changing your avatard to an unzipped fly would help make it easier to adjust your small p-ness.

      • Steverino247

        My p-ness is above average, my friend! 8)

        • Extemporanus

          Oh, I'm sure it is, you "grower-not-a-shower", you. Probably just a little chilly in here, is all…

          (Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually wearing a strap-on. Shhh!)

    • undeterredbyreality

      Upfisting on behalf of all former 99ers. (I've been up, down, all around.)

      Edit: "…on behalf of current 99ers…". All you gotta do is post too often and too late and too unfunny and you'll drop right down again. I gotta get a day job.

    • bitchincamaro2

      I prefer to hover forever in the mid-90's; there's much less pressure here.

  • gef05

    "Let us know if you recognize this fellow, though."

    If we limit the discussion to Republicans who have a record of cock issues, let's see what is on offer by way of culprit and how likely.

    Michael Steele. No.
    Roy Ashburn. Probably not – he at least admitted it.
    Mike Duvall. Possible. Keep him on the list.
    Paul Stanley. You never know.
    Mark Sanford. Keep him on the list.
    John Ensign. He just acts like a dick.
    Alan Berlin. Strong possibility. Although, the pecker didn't seem to be dressed up.

    Jesus – I give up. I've only gone back 12 months. What is it with these people and their cocks?

  • Fuck Toad

    Years ago, Fox News had a segment on that terrible internet porno menace where they had a graphic made up of various screenshots of porno sites.

    They airbrushed or blurred every nipple or wing-wang, except for one image where you saw a gentleman's thingy just completely poking into a lady.

    I have a clip of that somewhere around here. (Also, I have a clip of the Fox News bit.) I'm sure someone who isn't at work could find it on the liberal google with "fox news porn slip" or something.

    • gef05
    • bagofmice

      I don't think Fox News has ever been accused of censoring their dicks. Weiners…

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    My friend the lipreader told me he's saying –

    "Then Justice Thomas says…this is what us conservatives have to offer you…

    And Justice Sotomayor said that looks like a dick…only smaller"

  • not that Dewey

    I wish there were a TV channel consisting of nothing but "Things Lobbyists Do When They Think There are No Cameras Present". I would totally watch that.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Can't you just rent "Scarface?"

  • bitchincamaro2

    Maybe he works for the TSA.

  • King_Quaker

    The only thing I know for sure is that Megyn has recently had a cock in her mouth.

  • EdFlintstone

    Lets see, you're in the capitol, with a camera facing you, yeah perfect time for a discreet readjustment.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    But it’s unusual for a literal, anatomical penis to make to air on this teevee channel for families

    I'm sorry, but have you forgotten about Dick Morris?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    You know who else rummaged around and pulled out his penis on Fox News?

  • CUNextTuesday

    …walking around the Fapitol.

    /fixed

  • ttommyunger

    Must be one of those Eye-tal-ians; they can't talk without using their hands.

  • UW8316154

    Matthew Patterson, is that you?

  • Walkinwiddaking

    There must have been a Senator or Congressman in the area if he was grabbing for his package. Hey. Tell me I'm wrong.

  • denverite

    Hey! Great seeing Chris Dodd again!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Well, I guess we found out how often he thinks about touching his private parts.