VISIONS OF AMERICA  2:29 pm March 4, 2011

575-Pound Arizona Anusburger Mascot Guy Dead At 29

by Ken Layne

Haha, the guy actually died, at 29, because he weighed 575 pounds.It seems we’re working on an “Arizona Trilogy” today, as part of “Trilogy Week” here at Wonkette. (Yesterday was “Americans Unleash Vile Hate On American Muslims” day. Did you enjoy that?) Anyway, the third of our Arizona Stories today concerns 575-pound Blair River, a shockingly fat person who occasionally worked as the spokesmodel for the “Heart Attack Grill,” an Arizona eatery dedicated to producing the vilest vats of pure grease and fat and sodium available anywhere. Imagine, you are an alleged human and you live in Arizona and you’re surrounded by the Arizona slob architecture of Pizza Hut/Applebee’s/Jack In the Box and you think, “What Arizona needs most is a restaurant that would aggressively serve even more disgusting piles of poisonous shit.” And then you find a morbidly obese person who is literally committing suicide in his 20s, with his insatiable appetite, and you turn him into a video joke/promotion for your restaurant. Anyway, the guy is dead “of pneumonia” at age 29. Congratulations, everyone.

From the Seattle PI:

Go to the website of the Heart Attack Grill, and you’ll see a video of Blair River, tossing away a pair of pants that don’t fit, having his waist measured and chomping down on a huge burger.

It was all for fun to promote the Chandler, Ariz., restaurant that sells huge burgers and french fries cooked in lard and celebrates the wretched excess that is the worst of the American diet.

It’s not so funny today. River, 6 foot 8 inches tall and weighing 575 pounds, is dead at age 29, the Arizona Republic reports.


What the hell is wrong with this country? [Seattle PI/The Awl]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 250 comments }

nounverb911 March 4, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Blair's ribs will feed the multitudes.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

He'll feed the five thousand with the lobes and the fleshes.

Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I dunno, isn't 575 lbs kinda small for beef cattle? He was barely veal; culled before his time.

emmelemm March 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Is this what Walt Whitman meant when he said, "I contain multitudes"?

Ducksworthy March 4, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Take that Michelle Obama! How many of your socialist vegetable eaters are willing to die for their cause?

Doktor Avalanche March 4, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Mr River is a true patriot who died in the line of duty opposing health nazis like MO. Semper Fudge, big fella!

Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm

How many of your socialist vegetable eaters are willing to die for their cause?

Probably not many, since the idea behind healthy eating is to, y'know, live.

DeeJayKitteh March 4, 2011 at 2:33 pm

He didn't die of a heart attack? Lame.

DeeJayKitteh March 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

O/T, but it's ironic that my p would get smaller on a post about America getting larger. Ah well, good thing I'm secure about the size of my p.

Schmannnity March 4, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Whew! For a second, I thought that was Gov. Christie.

spinozasgod March 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

or one of Huckabees spawn.

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm

We can hope.

Buckminster March 4, 2011 at 5:39 pm

And you thought that would be a bad thing?

EdFlintstone March 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

My sympathies to the pallbearers.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

He'll be lighter after they render him for some more french fry lard.

WhatTheHeck March 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Good god, Ed. I nearly exploded when I read that.
I have supersized your p's.

widestanceroman March 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

On behalf of 'C', 'S' & 'X', thank you.

Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

My sympathies to the pallbearers.

Eh, they'll manage well enough.

taylormattd March 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm

omg, I totally just peed my pants a little bit. Thank you.

BerkeleyBear March 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm

The casket in his case will have to be one of the Goliath models (I think that is the name, but it may just be superfattyjumbo box by now). Suckers basically can't be carried by human beings, so it'll be honorary pallbearers only.

SanfordandSon11 March 5, 2011 at 7:23 am

test 1,2,3

iburl March 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Truth in advertising, I guess. Now if only they would start a political party whose slogan is "Right Wing victimization fantasies… worth dying for."

Gopherit March 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

In all seriousness, there are almost no ambulances in Phoenix that could carry this guy to a hospital. The standard gurneys max out at 350 lbs. So thank you heart attack grill. Hope you have some place to stack the bodies of all of your "free" customers. Do you have a special drive thru for fatty scooters, too?

chicken_thief March 4, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Plenty of burial room in the Grand Canyon.

genxr March 4, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Enviro weenies won't let us drill him for oil!

Gopherit March 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Lol, that guy has great, big, clanking balls of steel, and is my new hero.

glamourdammerung March 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm
OzoneTom March 4, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I just saw an article that Dallas was having to upgrade their ambulance fleet to handle their super-size citizens.

And now I find out that a new Heart Attack Grill is opening in Dallas.

Who says that Texans can't be proactive?

emmelemm March 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Synergy!

not that Dewey March 4, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The standard gurneys max out at 350 lbs.

And require at least 4 ft of lateral clearance.

Cicada March 4, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Better that he die a FREE man at 29 than live under the rules of Moo-shell "I EAT RIBS" NObama the health NAZI!!!1!! USA!

memzilla March 4, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Imagine having been this guy's Hoveround-brand lard rover, whimpering in pain everytime he used it. I guess we'll copy the Egyptians (again) and bury it with him.

Come here a minute March 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

It's funny 'cause it's true?

DoktorZoom March 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

As I said in the other thread, The Onion is starting to feel kind of superfluous.

(Sorry for the multi-post. A little. But it seems related, you know?)

Steverino247 March 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

If you were half the man I am…

user-of-owls March 4, 2011 at 2:51 pm

…you'd still be grotesquely obese.

DoktorZoom March 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

EDDIE: What you two don't seem to realize is that inside of me, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out.

GRAN: Just the one, dear?

freakishlywrong March 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Arizona you say, eh? What the fuck is going on out there?

Progressiveinga March 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

FREEDOM…….fries.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

People's brains are fried from living in 120 degree heat?

twoeightnine March 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that's why this is going on.

DeeJayKitteh March 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Is Ken the official anus burger reporter? It seems like anytime there's a possible story about crap food, he's all over it.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I'm sure it's all over him, too.

glamourdammerung March 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I wonder how much they were getting on disability to help rail against the government trying to help people not die by 29.

jodyleek March 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Mmmm, beef n' lard. It's what's for din…thud.

DustBowlBlues March 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

You've made me laugh the hardest so far. Sarah Palin's war against healthy eating takes another victim. Please, lord, make him also a teabagger. I mean the political kind. The other is just–ick–why did I even think about it?

jodyleek March 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Thanks, Dusty!

Thankfully, the Grifter Queen's assault against nutrition is the only peep we've heard from her lately. Sarah Palin has become about as relevant as this guy's nuts past, oh, about the 300 lbs. mark.

Dashboard_Jesus March 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm

"It’s not so funny today. River, 6 foot 8 inches tall and weighing 575 pounds, is dead at age 29"

well I for one think it's pretty fucking funny (of course I'm a skinny little vegetarian hippie)

nounverb911 March 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I nominate "Soylent green" as the official Arizona state food.

genxr March 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Dang beat me to it. Do you think they showed him soothing images and played his favorite music while he ate?

Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Det. Thorn (gasping for breath): "You tell everybody. Listen to me, Hatcher. You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is high in trans-fatty acids!"

CrunchyKnee March 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Arizona tea baggers to create a memorial license plate for this guy in 3…2…1…

Tundra Grifter March 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Boy, that Jared thing at Subway turned out a bit better than this, didin't it?

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

This is good news for Jared.

[EDIT: Damn, Tundra Grifter, I hate when that "beaten by seconds" shit happens! I'd delete mine, but as I'm sure you can tell, I worked really, really hard on it.]

Tundra Grifter March 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm

X-Man: Leave it up! We can both bask in the glow of shared genius. "Great minds" and all that…

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Five Dollar Footlongs for everyone!

emmelemm March 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Fortunately, it's possible to upfist BOTH of you! Everybody wins, like in grade school.

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 6:17 pm

More like in the Special Olympics:

"I've got fist! I've got fist! I've got fist! YAAAYYY!"

Tundra Grifter March 4, 2011 at 8:28 pm

E: Like T-Ball!

I just figured out what you guys were writing about with all this "upfist" and "downfist." I thought it was some sex thing.

I'm bummed to be so slow and rather disappointed, as well…

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I sucked so bad at T-ball when I was a kid that I once got beaned in the head and ended up with a concussion and broken nose.

I was at bat.

Oh, and if it helps up the fantasizing factor for you any, use my preferred terms "lovefist" and "hatefist" when referring to one's "p-ness".

Tundra Grifter March 5, 2011 at 9:58 am

Speaking of P-ness, I think I'm going to be 90 before I hit 90.

2.0: Well, that worked out well! Wish I'd thought of that before…

baconzgood March 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Lard Fries? I know I can snark the hell out of that but *sigh*…..lard fries (shaking my head in disbelief)….

Progressiveinga March 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Right up there with deep fried oreo cookies. Makes my gall bladder hurt just thinking about it.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Or the Scottish delicacy of deep fried Mars Bars (what we call Snickers).

jus_wonderin March 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Honey, I wouldn't stand that close to him. He's bound to mistake you for vittles.

Cicada March 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

If he's looking for a snack at this point, it's going to be braaaaaaiiiiiiins.

Jason_inthe_Peg March 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm

She's stuck by the gravitational pull.

Barbara_i March 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

My heartfelt condolences go out to his family.

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Bwahahaha, good one!

Oh…I read that as "condiments", not "condolences".

user-of-owls March 4, 2011 at 2:53 pm

My lungfelt condolences also go out to his family.

problemwithcaring March 4, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Stomach-felt?

danceswithpalin March 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Anus-felt? (I am afraid I will burn for that one.)

Cicada March 4, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Only if you ate spicy food for lunch.

not that Dewey March 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

In all fairness to Mr. River, each inch of height accounts for ~10lbs of weight. So, if he were average-height, he would only weigh about 475lbs.

Carry on.

Lascauxcaveman March 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

"Average*" height/weight

* a word that comes with an asterisk, in America.

PuckStopsHere March 5, 2011 at 8:46 am

I've always said, "I'm not fat, I'm too short. If I were 8'6", my weight would be PERFECT.

WhatTheHeck March 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

He ain't ‘loving it’ no more.

widestanceroman March 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Lard Libel!

I do not want to know what gets done with the body, but I know it will involve a lot of cheese.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm

According to Glenn Beck, the "pneumonia" was a cover; he was poisoned by Michelle Obama's Communist-Nazi-Jewish-Muslim conspiracy to support her socialistic "healthy eating" conspiracy.

DustBowlBlues March 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Glen is charting it on his chalkboard as we snark.

Schmannnity March 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Exactly! Let the marketplace decide how fat is too fat and how much is gluttony.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Darwin should determine that, but somehow a lot of the obese manage to find other fat folk to fuck and reproduce while still teenagers, young enough it hasn't killed them yet.

prommie March 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I mentioned this when the republicans reintroduced styrofoam in the congressional cafeterias. They are motivated almost entirely by spite and resentment. There is nothing that they are really FOR, so much as they are against anything that intelligenty, rational, cultured, educated people are for. We say that people should conserve gasoline, they buy V-10 pickup trucks, we say they should eat healthy, they start eating at the Heart Attack Cafe here, and die of fatness at 29. We could use this, we should start insisting on gun safety.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

They already have their knees a-jerkin' to extremely modest gun-safety proposals. Example, we ask simply that gun dealers try just a little bit to keep weapons out of the hands of homicidal maniacs and Arizona passes laws that let anyone carry a concealed weapon just about anywhere. Pure spite.

DustBowlBlues March 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Excellent idea. Reverse psychology. Let's start it right here on wonkette–quick, everyone, start an interwebs campaign. We'll call it, say, hey–how about:
DEMOCRATS OPPOSE RUSSIAN ROULETTE GAMES.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Propose a bill to outlaw sitting in a running car in a closed garage; say it's to save fuel so they don't catch on.

genxr March 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

to fight global warming we must outlaw by Presidential decree, running a hose from your tailpipe to the driver's seat.

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:22 pm

"They are motivated almost entirely by spite and resentment. There is nothing that they are really FOR, so much as they are against anything that intelligenty, rational, cultured, educated people are for. "

*bows in awe of prommie*

mumbly_joe March 5, 2011 at 9:57 am

Today's Republican Platform: The opposite of whatever Democrats want, updated daily.

glamourdammerung March 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm

As I said before, we need to tell them to not drink bleach.

gef05 March 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Errr… is that photo and ad-line real – anyone know? Or did Ken 'shop it?

Ken Layne March 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Real, all real. These are the video promotions this guy did "for laffs" (profit for the restaurant) before he died at age 29.

gef05 March 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Jesus H Fucking Christ.

mourningnmerica March 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Rockpile – "Seconds of Pleasure" – 1980 – Cut 5

"You let a knife and fork dig your grave…"

bumfug March 4, 2011 at 3:39 pm
ManchuCandidate March 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

"I've eaten things you people wouldn't believe. Quituple Anus burgers made from the most disgusting roadkill. I watched pounds of potatoes glitter in the fat in the deep fryer. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die. "

baconzgood March 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Blade Runner win!

Ken Layne March 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Oh man don't spoil Batty's speech with *this* foul story ….

Ducksworthy March 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Attaboy Roy!

Rotundo_ March 4, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Only in place of the dove Roy Batty releases in the movie, the big guy releases a minute long wet fart, and then the bird flies away.

crybabyboehner March 4, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Lard Runner.

NorbertsRevenge March 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

There is simply not enough upfistage available for this remark.

gef05 March 4, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Batty: "C'mon, Deckard. Show me what you're made of."
Deckard: "Lard."

Steverino247 March 4, 2011 at 7:41 pm

That was brilliant, Manchu! I'm in the process of watching all the versions of BR on my Blu-Ray player now.

(Too bad they cut the shots of Sean Young's breasts…)

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 8:49 pm

She do have some killer ta-ta's (No Way Out).

crybabyboehner March 6, 2011 at 9:54 pm

the crazy ones often do …

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 8:50 pm

That……Hurt!

baconzgood March 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

575lbs at 29 and dead? Who'da thunk it.

bureaucrap March 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

That basically means that he gained 20 lbs per year, every year. Quite a growth spurt. At that rate, I'd be weighing in at around 1000 lbs right now.

fuflans March 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

the AZ trilogy is just like 'the godfather'.

only with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

DustBowlBlues March 4, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I disagree. Have you seen Sophia Coppola anywhere?

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:24 pm

So then, like Godfather 3?

x111e7thst March 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The mobility scooter that could carry him thru Walmart has not been made. What a man!

Captain_Quark March 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I that hear Jared Loughner is unemployed. Maybe he could be the "other Jared" in a Heart Attack Grill ad campaign to combat those Commies at Subway. He'd need to gain some weight, though.

iburl March 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Somehow, I'm sure S___h P___n will find a way to blame this jerk's death on Michelle Obama.

gef05 March 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

He was probably doing that leftist elitist thing – "walking".

Ducksworthy March 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I like that. So SP is the name that must not be spoken.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Just like G*d. Or is it Y***h?

iburl March 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

More like M***** F*****.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I thought more like V-ld-m-rt.

Tundra Grifter March 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

Actually, I'm waiting to form my opinion about all this until I learn how it impacts the life and times of Duh Gov'Nuh. Like everything else on the face of this earth (and above it and under it, because obviously that's God's plan), it's all about her.

Let me go see if I have a Tweet from the Twat…

edgydrifter March 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm

1980: "Pneumonia" = AIDS
2010: "Pneumonia" = Rupturing your stomach with a basketball-sized bolus of cheezgravy and ground skin
I prefer our old euphemisms, but I'm old fashioned like that.

Ducksworthy March 4, 2011 at 3:09 pm

GOP Senator John East died of carbon monoxide inhalation in his garage in 1986. He did not have AIDS.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 3:32 pm

"Pneumonia" also = the predictable result of a lifetime of heavy smoking and drinking while eating ribeye steaks and baked potatoes slathered with butter and sour cream topped with a sprinkle of chives and Parmesan cheese. And don't forget to butter the steak and bring me a fresh martini!

Gorillionaire March 4, 2011 at 3:39 pm

If your heart is stressed to the max every time you stand up and if your diet turns your stomach into a grease pit then every time you lie down you have reflux and your heart isn't strong enough to push the fluid out of your lungs and presto – you've got pneumonia. Fat person aspiration pnuemonia.

SayItWithWookies March 4, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"I believe the memo was titled, 'Cholesterol determined to strike inside aorta.'"

Come here a minute March 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

And Condoleeeeeezza's voice echoes in my brain all over again.

jus_wonderin March 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

SHOES!!!!

trampndirtdown March 6, 2011 at 12:27 am

Paging Dr. Feragamo

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:38 pm

TOO SOON!!!

Steverino247 March 4, 2011 at 7:42 pm

OK, you've found a pair of jeans big enough to cover your ass. Now, get out of here!

user-of-owls March 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

The Arizona trilogy beats the living shit out of Der Ring des Nibelungen cycle.

Rock on Wotan!
Rock on Fricka!

ShaveTheWhales March 6, 2011 at 2:32 am

At least it's shorter. So far.

imissopus March 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

That actress has a look that says "I'm the understudy, he already ate the first actress who had this role."

Also, is this one of those small businesses I'm told we need to give tax breaks to? Because I can think of many business plans that don't involve YOUR PRODUCT GIVING MASSIVE HEALTH PROBLEMS RESULTING IN DEATH TO YOUR CUSTOMERS, YOU FUCKING LOONS!!1!

mumbly_joe March 5, 2011 at 10:00 am

John Boehner's former tobacco overlords beg to differ, sir.

imissopus March 5, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Yeah, but I don't think those qualify as small businesses.

PsycWench March 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I'd like to think this will start a conversation about nutrition the way that the suicide of a gay kid started a conversation about gay bullying. But I doubt it.

problemwithcaring March 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

LouTwat Sarah has spoken: "An individuals actions stop and end at that individual!" Unless they commit blood libel against Trig. Then it's on.

HistoriCat March 4, 2011 at 8:09 pm

"It Gets Bigger"

Monsieur_Grumpe March 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm

On his tombstone.

His mother always said he was a good eater.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Or

He lived large

jus_wonderin March 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Sadly, they will have to bury him in two plots. Sorry Granny, Bubba needs the room.

MiniMencken March 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Not so funny when it's your own spokesmodel, is it, Heart Attack Grill? On the other hand, I have been told by a heroin addict that when news of a death by overdose goes around the user community, the typical comment from the listening junkie is "Where'd he cop?"

DaSandman March 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Was he a lost Huckabee son?

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm

He was two of the lost tribes of Israel.

DaSandman March 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

He was Pluto reclaiming his rightful place in the solar sysyem

Clancy_Pants March 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Do you ever wonder what would've happened if Cass Elliot gave her ham sandwich to Karen Carpenter?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Are you Steven Wright?

jus_wonderin March 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I think I saw that episode of Quantum Leap.

Neoyorquino March 4, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I have to 'borrow' that for my next Facebook status . . .

Steverino247 March 4, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Well, since Karen's dog was allegedly always trying to bury her, I doubt the handoff would have been successful.

chickensmack March 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Everything is automated and mass produced these days. What, with your cars for transportation, your boxed mashed potatoes, and Caterpillar hearses/front-end loaders.

el_donaldo March 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

He's mostly fat. They should recycle him.

iburl March 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

You could use the body for fueling those liberal elitist northeastern oil heaters and sell his clothes to Quadaffi to live in when he accepts his friend McCain's invitation to move to Arizona.

comrad_darkness March 4, 2011 at 9:39 pm

"Rendering" is the verb you are looking for.

48 mpg in a diesel with some filtering.

chicken_thief March 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Is that "Heart Attack GRILL" or "Heart Attack GIRL"? Anusburger with lard fries, large coke, a pack of smokes and HER would kill most of us. But what a way to go…

baconzgood March 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I know. They're Lucky Stirkes too. The worst smokes in the world.

freakishlywrong March 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Arizona. A million ways to die.

Mumbletypeg March 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Can't thumb this enough.

MinAgain March 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

It 's like someone sprayed my keyboard with Snark-Be-Gone, because I'm really struggling to find something funny to say. This is horrific.

baconzgood March 4, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I'm in the same boat. What the fuck? Lard fries? I could usually hit that one a mile away but for some reason it makes me want to weep.

OneDollarJuana March 4, 2011 at 3:39 pm

McDonald's won its reputation for good fries in the days when they were hand cut in the store (I watched 'em do it) and deep-fried in beef tallow. It was the beef tallow essence that they tried to emulate by adding some beef "flavor" to the fry recipe, the one that got them sued by the vegetarians a few years back.

DustBowlBlues March 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

You're a better person than I.

I'm about to head out to a beekeepers's conference but WTF? Who is that Martin Bashir guy and why isn't David "You're Welcome" Schuster on at this hour?

What have they done with my pretend boyfriend? Did he get a gig doing the local weather in Walla Walla, or what?

BaldarTFlagass March 4, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Arizona for the Friday Hat Trick of Death and Stupidity. Yay.

JoshuaNorton March 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Would you like fries with your myocardial infarction?

bureaucrap March 4, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Just out of curiosity, does Heart Attack Grill serve diet drinks? If so, why?

problemwithcaring March 4, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Diet drinks, lettuce and tomato are banned. Also there is a Lard-Fry "all you can eat" bar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koxRy4asAAc&fe

mumbly_joe March 5, 2011 at 10:13 am

Jegus McFuck. I mean, look, I'm slightly on the heavy side, being too lazy to exercise, and I've been known to enjoy a good anusburger in my day, but that shit doesn't even look good. And broiling the whole burger in lard? How is that appetizing to anybody, anywhere?

I think the Heart Attack Grill is possibly the best example of the difference between enjoying food, and enjoying gluttony. I like food, and for that reason, knowing that this place exists profoundly depresses me.

KenLayIsAlive March 4, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Of course not, why try to compete with the top-selling pint glass full of vegetable oil?

Gopherit March 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

This poor fat bastard dies, but Rush Limbaugh continues to waddle and pant. There is no real justice in this universe.

DerrickWildcat March 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Yeah…even so…I'm gonna pass on this one.

ph7 March 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

What's wrong with a culture that celebrates the continued excesses of a man clearly on the path of self destruction? #winning #tigerblood

DeeJayKitteh March 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Nicely done. You are a total rockstar from Mars.

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I see what you did there.

BZ1 March 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Spokesperson for the “Heart Attack Grill" is too grisly to contemplate…

DoktorZoom March 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

OK, fuck, I'm convinced. Getting off the computer and heading to the gym RIGHT NOW.

SorosBot March 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

The last words said to him were: "and finally, monsieur, a mint; it's wafer-thin."

problemwithcaring March 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

That doctor in the commercial has more credentials than Rand Paul though.

Jerri March 4, 2011 at 3:09 pm

This is just sad.

CalamityJames March 4, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Ok, on occasion, I do love to feel completely disgusting and indulge in deplorable food items, generally while as high as Benincasa claims to never be, but what the fuck?!

metamarcisf March 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm

One more reason why Arizonans should have the right to carry deadly weapons into public places.

Tundra Grifter March 6, 2011 at 12:53 pm

metamarcisf:

Ten bucks says hamburgers have killed more Americans than .38's and .45's.

metamarcisf March 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Tarzan & Cheetah try to see "Heart Attack Grill" on computer thing but get this:

The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to maintenance downtime or capacity problems. Please try again later.

Why Wonkette crash server. Palin girl want job there.

Tarzan, Cheetah & Palin, Attys at Law

glamourdammerung March 4, 2011 at 3:16 pm

We need to acknowledge that Sarah Palin is the real victim here.

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

*scuffling toe shyly on ground*
I… I think I love you.

Hatrabbit March 4, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Arizona. Come for the bullets, stay for the lard fries.

mourningnmerica March 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

"B-M-I….B-M-I…B-M-I…"

donner_froh March 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

He will be buried in a 20 foot container. The pallbearers will drive Kalmar Heavy Duty Lift Trucks the same model used to lift him from the toilet every few hours. River will be sorely missed by the region's material handling rental industry.

bflrtsplk March 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

How exactly did this guy get, um, around?

user-of-owls March 4, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Many moons ago when I worked in a grey iron foundry in Easton, Massachusetts (remember those child labor photos with soot-raccoon faces? that was owls!), we had 30 minutes for lunch. There was no prohibition about on-the-job drinking, the assumption being that if you were cool being loaded around molten metal, who are we to argue?

During those 30 minutes, there was absolutely heroic intake of food (these were Portu-geese whose wives made two-foot long sandwiches; quota: two), beer (lightweights would do two tall boys, men would do up to six) and smokes (it varied, but the grand champion would rip through a half pack of Pall Mall no filters).

But did they up and die like our lardo spokesman? Well, yes, they did. Vaya con dios Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, Manny, Freddie, Jose and Chucky. Oh, and Little Black Joe.

jus_wonderin March 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

"Jose, Jose, Jose, Manny, Freddie, Jose and Chucky. Oh, and Little Black Joe"

But their last album together was kick ass!!!

Negropolis March 5, 2011 at 2:00 am

I was waiting for an uplifting poignant moral, and well, not so much.

KenLayIsAlive March 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Hopefully Westboro can picket his funeral with signs that say "God Hates Fudge"

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 5:42 pm

If they said "God Hates Fats", they'd only have to change one letter on the signs they have already.

Weenus299 March 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

This is our attack plan. We can't get them to vote for their best interests, so we feed them everything they want.

DerrickWildcat March 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I'm not entirely convinced that she is an actual Nurse since I can't see if she is wearing high heels, stockings and garters.

DonnyKerabotsos March 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Poor kid is probably up to her neck in student loans and it was either this or porn.

PabaBritannica March 4, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Btw, I remember going to the website of this place years ago out of amusement. I mean, I grew up eating shitty food. I ate lard. But I also was forced to help my dad pick vegetables, play soccer, and do chores. What I'm trying to say is that we need to just say "fuck it" to this "healthy diet" stuff and instate universal work camps for all under the age of 18.

Neoyorquino March 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm

It's all fun and games until the myocardial infarction. Then it's hilarious . . . reminds me of the "Especial" at Lute's Casino in Yuma.

prommie March 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

You know the best replacement possible, the perfect fit, would be Chris Christie.

trampndirtdown March 6, 2011 at 12:44 am

I was thinking about the Hucklefat twins

GodShammgod March 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

"an Arizona eatery dedicated to producing the vilest vats of pure grease and fat and sodium available anywhere"

I thought the entire state of Arizona was dedicated to producing the vilest vats of pure grease and fat. Or maybe they just send them to Washington and/or the statehouse.

Buzz Feedback March 4, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Blair, I served with Walter Hudson, I knew Walter Hudson, Walter Hudson was a friend of mine. Blair, you're no Walter Hudson.

DonnyKerabotsos March 4, 2011 at 3:48 pm

From the Arizona Republic:

Restaurant founder Jon Basso said he got to know River, first as a customer at the restaurant before working with him after he became the grill’s spokesman.

“Cynical people might think this (River’s death) is funny,” Basso said.

No Joe, what cynical people would do is take a dangerously unhealthy person and exploit them in a funny-to-the-guy-who-wrote-it advertising campaign in an entirely unnecessary effort to get Americans to eat even more than they already do.

prommie March 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm

And whats really the saddest, most pathetic, disgusting, and idiotic thing about this is, the french fries cooked in lard. That is sooooo fucking gross.

French fries are supposed to be cooked in beef tallow. This is 100% true and not at all made up, the perfect french fries are cooked in rendered beef fat, and thats why Macky-Ds were always the best fries, they put a beef flavor extract in their frying oil until just a few years ago when some vegan assholes raised holy hell because there was "meat" in their french fries. Way to fuck it up for everyone, Vegan assholes!

mumbly_joe March 5, 2011 at 10:29 am

Also, fries cooked in duck fat are fucking amazing, but difficult to find outside of the occasional upscale steakhouse. Still, if you have a local grocery with an actual butcher, and want to try this at home, and aren't afraid of coming across as an obnoxious foodie, it's seriously worth the effort.

I actually think the burgers broiled in lard might beat the fries in the grossness department. Lard does have a culinary place, but it's mostly restricted to Mexican food (and I guess English food, if it weren't for the fact that English food is terrible). And even then, it's mostly used like shortening, not like oil, not that hamburgers need an additional swabbing of either, honestly. Stop being terrible and ruining food, Arizonassholes.

bflrtsplk March 4, 2011 at 3:59 pm

But is this good for John McCain?

Lazy Media March 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Eh, 6-8 guys are like Great Danes. If they make it past 50, it's a miracle, fat or not.

That said, that joint is disgusting. Here's a tip, fellas. If a hamburger is too tall to physically fit in your mouth, you will regret eating it. Not so much for the eventual heart attack as the immediate acid reflux.

/The lard fries are OK, though; nothing all that bad about lard in moderation.

mavenmaven March 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

This is proof that handguns don't kill people.

__kth__ March 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Live fast, die young, leave a mammoth corpse. He's a rebel!

__kth__ March 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

ok, whoever downfisted: if you are really, really offended, I do apologize. The object of my snark was the assholes running the Heart Attack Grill, not this unfortunate young man. Sorry if that was unclear.

But if you are a downfist troll: what do you hope to accomplish by downbumping indiscriminately? I admit that I have little enough to live for that I actually follow that aggregate score next to my handle. But I'm only comparing myself to the other Wonketeers, not participants at other IntenseDebate sites (least of all that archipelago of virtual Superfund sites, BigGovHollyetc.com). So what's your point, exactly?

donner_froh March 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Is the health professional with the skin tight vinyl uniform offering the guy a pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes as well as the milkshake?

That would be a serious violation of nurse/hooker ethical standards.

proudgrampa March 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

If they cremate him, that oven is going to EXPLODE. Assuming they can fit him through the door.

glamourdammerung March 4, 2011 at 4:52 pm

So does this mean our resident troll is not going to post anymore?

KenLayIsAlive March 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Wow, did he die in the restaurant? You'd think all those trained nurses could have helped save him.

moralturpentine March 4, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Dulce et decorum est pro anusburgers mori

ClownCrusade March 4, 2011 at 5:28 pm

So why did they want to kill this guy? Was he part Messican or something?

Tundra Grifter March 4, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Of course anyone over 350 pounds eats for free. You think some snot-nosed teenager dragging down five bucks an hour is going to tell a man mountain he has to PAY?

Amo_of_Bogio March 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Evolution in action – I pray to Satan he hasn't already reproduced, unlikely as it seems.

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 8:57 pm

To do that, someone would have to liberate an erect penis from underneath one or more of those folds of fat….unlikely at best.

El Pinche March 4, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Dr. Jon/ Dr. Paul 2012

mariser March 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm

pneumonia as the immediate cause of death – his lungs collapsed and couldn't get back up.

cheaphits March 4, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Only it's quadruple anusburgers and Faux News –

Histories repeats itself only worse – televangelists instead of orgies – birthplace of plutocracy instead of democracy, sad, sad stuff.

owhatever March 4, 2011 at 6:08 pm

One more thin mint? He looks like one of the Huckabees.

cheaphits March 4, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Ever hear of Andre the Giant? I'm sure he could get on the outside of a bunch of food too, but he was an amazing drinker, check this –

http://www.drunkard.com/issues/10_06/10_06_andre_

SaintRond March 4, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Oh, Jesus.

sezme March 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm

This is one of those times when you're supposed to sniff through your tears, "At least he died doing what he loved."

Seanibus March 4, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Funny that you should say that it is "not so funny today," because it was not so fucking funny yesterday when the big fat tub of goo was still alive.

Troubledog March 4, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Taken from us so soon. He had so much to give the world.

JoeBiteme March 4, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I hate my state. That is all.

gullywompr March 4, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Wow! Didn't see that coming…

Gleem_McShineys March 4, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Ok, looks like my idea for opening that "I Heart Tumors" cigarette & uranium store in Arizona was NOT just the pot talking after all!

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Diners at this Death Emporium can, if they listen closely, hear the Burgers and Fries yelling "Gangway, Motherfuckers!" as they bypass the digestive tract and head straight for the Arteries.

comrad_darkness March 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Satire remains dead.

comrad_darkness March 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm

It's funny how the Right is pro corn syrup and trans fat suicide but they'll scream in your face if you insist terminal cancer patients have the right to die.

LINdaLINgle March 4, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Their website says, "jokingly" says, Side effects may include "mild heart attack". Hilarious.

Can't believe it's still up with him commenting. Almost like he is still with us. (sob)

iburl March 5, 2011 at 12:13 am

9 months until Xmas, how many customers will live? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daE4EsMoCwU&NR

arihaya March 5, 2011 at 5:20 am

the Dr Jon fellow in the ad is strikingly similar with Jared Loughner in appearance…

scary

Soylent Green March 5, 2011 at 9:42 am

the end of the trail for Arizona's state representative,

PublicLuxury March 5, 2011 at 9:50 am

My sympathy for his family and friends. My prayer is that the Heart Attack grill close their doors. What a sick nation.

PublicLuxury March 5, 2011 at 9:51 am

Can you bring your gun into the restaurant? It might be a quicker way. . .

Walkinwiddaking March 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm

News flash. If you are a fat slob and you choose to live like one, chances are you're going to die at an early age.

Rotundo_ March 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm

And in other news, municipal water usage and sewage treatment budgets are projecting in the black this year as usage drops 10% with Blair's passing.

horsedreamer_1 March 5, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Fat didn't start in U.S. America c. 1999.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Lambert

Negropolis March 6, 2011 at 11:52 pm

But, damnit, if we're not prepared and willing to end it, here.

ShaveTheWhales March 6, 2011 at 2:37 am

Too tall.

MrFizzy March 6, 2011 at 9:48 am

He should donate his shirt to Christo – maybe he could drape the Grand Canyon with it.

MistaEko March 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

575 lb guy dead of pneumonia?

Well, I guess they got Al Capone on tax evasion.

HistoriCat March 4, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I feel you bro – we white males are always being kept down by the man.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: