they're a phoenix are you?

Government-Funded ‘Terrorism Experts’ Just Guys Who Hate Islam

They're coming.As the weather gets warmer, it’s time for Americans across the land to go out in the sun, get (their scooters) some exercise, and return to hating Muslims, so here’s your third post of the day on this exciting, innovative movement. Our country, as we all know, is still pretty certain a terrorist attack is going to happen on domestic soil any second now, so it continues to throw money at programs that are pointless at best and, at worst, take attention away from real threats. Case in point: Nobody knows how much money the federal and local governments spend on unnecessary terrorism instruction for police officers in Podunk, USA. But because the money exists, there are people willing to call themselves “terrorism experts” and take it. People with mail-order diplomas and deep prejudices against and misconceptions about Muslims.

“When you have a Muslim that wears a headband, regardless of color or insignia, basically what that is telling you is ‘I am willing to be a martyr.’” There were other signs, too. “From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained. “Some of the Pakistani hijackers shaved their whole bodies in a ritual of cleanliness. If their lips are moving, these guys are praying. As they are walking through an airport, every second they’re going to be praying.”

Sure, whatever. “The Muslims who drive to the mosque in Fords are too afraid to blow themselves up. But you can spot the ones who are terrorists because they drive either a green 1997 Plymouth Breeze or ride around on a vicious dinosaur.” See, we could totally do this job. Give us defense moneys, pls.

The certification chairman for ATAB is a man named Keith Flannigan. Flannigan claims numerous qualifications: a BA from Kent State University in 2008, an MA in psychology from the University of Frankfurt, likewise in 2008, and a PhD in philosophy from Northfield University—once again in 2008. However, the National Student Clearing House, a degree-verification service, was unable to find record of Flannigan at Kent State, nor did the University of Frankfurt find any evidence of attendance. When queried, Flannigan claimed that we couldn’t find his records because Keith Flannigan is not his legal name. Flannigan may well have a doctorate, for what it’s worth, from Northfield University, as it is run by the University Degree Program, described by Chronicle of Higher Education as “the granddaddy of diploma mill operations.”

Let us trust this man with our security operations. He seems like a man we can trust.

Sponsored Video

But look what happens when an American Muslim security officer gets taught by one of these guys. Whoops!

The same month that Kharoba was being invited to incorporate his material into the FLETC curriculum, FLETC received a complaint from an Immigration and Customs Enforcement official named Muhammad Rana. Rana had been angered by course materials that included a handout describing “fundamentalist Muslims” as people with “long beards and head coverings” who, while “we call them radicals … are practicing true Islam.” Eleven out of fifteen members of the class submitted a letter in support of Rana’s complaint, and Rana took his case to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, which ruled in his favor.

Whatever happened to simple, instructional VHS tapes? Just get one guy who is a legitimate terrorism expert from the CIA or whatever, have him narrate a video with cheesy music and bad actors wearing Zubaz, and send it out to police departments across the country. Problem solved! Terrorism over! In conclusion:

[Washington Monthly via Wonkette operative "Abe R."]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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192 comments

    1. Extemporanus

      Praise be to Allah that Hillary finally got herself a stylist, or they'd be insistin' that we got ourselves two Muslin terrorists in the White House!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I remember that #23, brown-skinned dude who used to play hoop for Chicago used to wear a headband a lot.

        I'm really surprised the Sears Tower is still standing.

    1. PristineODummy

      *His* dinosaur was *never* vicious. A little snippy at times, maybe, but that happens to the best of us.

          1. Extemporanus

            ♪♫ It's like hair on your baby's face
            It's a moustache ride when you've already shaved
            It's the grooming advice that you just didn't take
            Who would've thought…it itches…
            ♪♫

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Winona Ryder, in that one scene in Little Women, where they're putting on a play?

      (Even w/the fake beard, highly bangable.)

    2. tessiee

      That guy down the street, what's-his-name… you know who I mean… the guy with the blue car.

    3. user-of-owls

      Someone (successfully) bloating his pee by casting this chum into the water?

      or, um, George Washington?

    1. gef05

      Ah yes. The color-coded system of terror. Also known as the Pantone of Panic. Does it even still exist?

  1. SexySmurf

    From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips

    Has he tried the men's room at the Minneapolis airport? Of course he has.

  2. metamarcisf

    After some research, it seems that this "Keith Flannigan " is a professor emeritus at the University of Phoenix, where he also coaches their top 25 football team.

  3. MinAgain

    there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips

    Ah, yes. The Competitive Swimmer Theory of Terrorist Profiling.

    1. emmelemm

      Yeah, I'm wondering how you casually observe a totally shaved body in a public place, especially considering that most religious Muslims, including the men, try to be covered from head to toe.

      1. PristineODummy

        Let's just say we don't want to push that inquiry too far, shall we? (reaches for brain-'n-eyeball-bleach)

      2. bflrtsplk

        My hair fell out after living downwind from the Indian Point nuke plant for six months and I move my lips when I read. Guess I better not walk through any airports.

    2. Doktor Avalanche

      He's gotta have some way to relax in his free time, if you know what I mean *wink

  4. ManchuCandidate

    I'm more qualified to be a "terroizm hexpurt" than these fuckers because I've read Huntington (ass) and Bernie Lewis (he reads well, but an ass on TV) plus I eat Halal meats from time to time, make Hummus and my neighbor is Pakistani and play Counterstrike on line.

    1. AngryBlakGuy

      …your neighbor is "Pakistani"(pronounced: OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!!!!)?! I already know he must always play with the Terrorist class!!!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I wonder if he got his dissertation and his thesis mixed up when he defended them. Wups!
      Lucky for him Delta has a direct flight from Cincinnati to Frankfurt, otherwise the commute might have killed him.

    2. Doktor Avalanche

      That could explain his interest, or 'manhunt' if you will, for hairless dudes.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      A BA, MA, and PhD all in the same year?

      All three degrees most likely purchased with grant money from Homeland Security, because, by golly, we need some "terrorism experts" and we we need 'em right now!

    4. Dudleydidwrong

      Sarah Palin did it. Wait! No, she got one degree in sixteen years and six sort-of institutions of "higher" learning. But that must qualify her as a terrist x-purt. She can see terr-rists from her house, betcha.

    5. tessiee

      Well, he got the BA for drawing "Sparky", the MA for drawing "Mittens", and the PhD for drawing "Mr. Bunny Rabbit", so really, the majority of the year was occupied with the search for matchbook covers.

  5. donner_froh

    "But because the money exists, there are people willing to call themselves “terrorism experts” and take it. People with mail-order diplomas and deep prejudices against and misconceptions about Muslims."

    I can get a few mail order degrees by tomorrow and I have deep prejudices against and misunderstanding of whichever group is currently on someone's hate list (Mormons, fashion designers, readers of Red State–you name it).

    I can haz monies?

    1. tessiee

      I have neither deep prejudices nor a mail-order diploma, but I am perfectly willing to fight against terrorism by reading library books and drinking coffee. For a bonus of one month's salary, I'll also fight terrorism by petting the neighbor's cats.
      Hello?
      Anyone?
      *crickets chirping*
      *muffled cough from back of auditorium*

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      It's really more that he loves upfisters:

      Blessed are the p's-makers, for they will be called sons of God. — Matthew 5:9

  6. PublicLuxury

    It is not that unusual to get ALL your degrees in the same year. Many under grads are working on their MA and PhD while struggling to get that BA and support a family of 27. It is very common. Nothing to see here.

  7. CapnFatback

    When queried, Flannigan claimed that we couldn’t find his records because Keith Flannigan is not his legal name.

    His real name? Ibrahim Abdullah.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Howdy Downfister. How are you doing? How was your week long meal? Did you have to shit a lot?

    Still kind of pissed we make fun you don't you. Where are your friends from Bitpart land? I sure would like you to knock down my pee score. I don't want to be in triple digits anymore. Too much pressure.

    1. FlownOver

      Is that who I should blame for my intractable double-digit pee? 'Cause the only alternative would be that my stuff just isn't that good, and surely that can't be right.

  9. Redhead

    Because a guy who was able to finish his undergraduate, masters and doctorate courses in a year was DEFINITELY going to a real school and not a diploma mill that teaches three-week long "courses."

    1. SorosBot

      And they were in unrelated fields. How many classes did he take? All of 'em, Charlie.

  10. PresBeeblebrox

    Sounds as credible as the mail-order Witchcraft Expert whose testimony put the West Memphis 3 on Death Row in Arkansas. According to that genius, if you wear "black dungarees", paint yr. nails black, and have tattoos, you're into Witchcraft. That would put about 2/3 of Portland in thrall to Satan, I think.

        1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

          A college roommate of mine did his internship and psychiatry residency in Portland ME. He talked about ER cases like patients with light bulbs stuck in their rectums as being common. So yes. Lord Satan is venerated in Maine, too.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      They can use riot film from Attica. Not only will it show "liberals" rioting, it will prove that they are also criminals who should be locked up.

    2. Radiotherapy

      This might help too:
      At a news conference in Kent, Ohio, on Sunday May 3, 1970, the day before the Kent State shootings, Gov. Jim Rhodes said of the Kent State protesters:
      "They're worse than the Brownshirts, and the Communist element, and also the Night Riders, and the vigilantes. They're the worst type of people that we harbor in America."[

  11. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    “…there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained.

    Wait, was this from his terrorism seminar or his personal add on Craigslist's m4m section?

  12. Giveusabob

    I hear Yusuf Islam (aka Cat Stevens) also wears a headband and has been known to sport long, flowing locks. Goodness! I just realized I was recruited as a Martyr when listened to "WIld World" so many years ago!

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    Personally, my only information for what is happening in the Muslim world is what Glenn Beck has devined from his visions. Anything else is suspect.

  14. sezme

    Some of you seem to think he's unqualified for his position. He was hired because he's a Christian™. Duh.

  15. genxr

    Shaved and moving lips is what I always look for too! Wait, are we talking about the same thing?

  16. hagajim

    people with “long beards

    Sheeiiit! I didn't know that Rutherford Hayes was a Muslin! And, Grant, Garfield, Lincoln and Harrison to boot. Almost like the Masonic Preznits. All of them were pretty bad Preznits ceptin' Lincoln – but he freed the colored people we used to be afeard of before we found the Muslins.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Hmmm. It just occurred to me that we bought all those colored peeple from the Muslins, well not me but the rednek states. So what if they're actually a giant sleeper cell. I had a vision of that showing up on Beck's blackboard. So. Never Mind.

    2. DoktorZoom

      Not to mention President Doug Wobble, President Geoffrey Risenburg, and President Geoffrey Savinkus. But not President Buddy Knox, who only had sideburns.

  17. genxr

    "If their lips are moving, these guys are praying. As they are walking through an airport, every second they’re going to be praying.”

    I wasn't praying, I was just muttering to myself about how much I hate teh muslins.

    1. jus_wonderin

      ..spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon…

    2. BerkeleyBear

      See, I'm praying all the time in the airport too – namely that I'll get to my flight without having to deal with the TSA guy who just had this "course" and is hopped up on Red Bull and the hope of making a takedown.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, I've met idiots like this — they will tell you authoritatively that some shit crazier than most of what's been refuted on Snopes is absolutely 100% true. Ten years before Dubya saved the world from Saddam Hussein, they were telling anyone who would listen that he had poisoned villages secretly to test chemical warfare technologies and that dozens of Iraqi wells had chem-bio shells and manufacturing equipment hidden in them, just ready to be put on SCUD missiles and fired at Israel. They're the grandchildren of John Birchers and the speakers at the DA convention in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

    1. SorosBot

      Hell, a lot of them still subscribe to the Birchers' "Fluoride in drinking water is Communist mind control!" bullshit.

  19. MadBrahms

    "If that Muslim is on a treadmill with his headband, it's because he's training to blow up the New York Marathon"

  20. AngryBlakGuy

    …honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone driving a "Plymouth Breeze" if they decided to strap 30lbs of C-4 around their waste and turn themselves into red mist! Actually, I may encourage it!!!!!!

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    I thought Frank Abagnale Jr. was in retirement from all that pretending-to-be-someone-he-wasn't.

    1. PublicLuxury

      He is out and working for the FBI, right? Last I heard anyway. We used to pen pals but then he dropped me for a sexier pen pal.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Hell, he's been out of prison since 1974. He gave a talk at my high school back in '76.

  22. CalamityJames

    Let me get this straight. Three different "degrees" in one year, and an outright xenophobic hatred of Muslims. Who the hell cares about Newt, this guy is the only true possible candidate for President.

  23. PublicLuxury

    The husb likes me shaved with my lips moving. Most men are appreciative of moving lips. Muslins are no exception. In fact they hate teh hair sooooo much Barack Hussein Obamar demands they cover their head with fancy scarves. Everybody knows that Obamar is a muslin, Kenyan, Communist, Marxist, Chinese, Liberal, potato farmer, drug addict married with children homosexual. Suck that xtians.

      1. PublicLuxury

        Yes, the naughty tuber that grows underground under nefarious conditions and is eaten by the truckload by poors.

  24. fuflans

    also, i think today is officially lily allen day:

    fuck you, fuck you very very much
    cause we hate what you do
    and we hate your whole crew
    so please don't stay in touch.

    1. mumbly_joe

      This. I'm pretty sure the term SorosBot was searching for was "lone nut" or "guy with an understandable grievance actually" or "actually, this one friend from high school who hasn't seen him in years said he smoked pot, so he must be a liberal".

  25. Bluestatelibel

    "If their lips are moving, these guys are praying." Or maybe just using hands-free cellphone, same thing.

  26. jim89048

    All this time I was thinking the reason all those rednecks moved away from me at the Waffle House in Mobile AL was because I was a dirty hippie, now it turns out it was because I was a Muslin?
    Long hair: check.
    Long beard: check.
    Shaved everywhere else not covered by long hair and long beard? Oh, hell no.
    Moving lips? I WAS EATING MY WAFFLES, YOU ASSHOLES!

  27. bumfug

    Razor blades! Poison! Hangin' ropes! Get yer razor blades, poison and hangin' ropes right here! Ya can't give in to complete despair without yer razor blades, poison or a hangin' rope!

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but Anna Marie Cox was just on Cenk Uygur's show talking about potential Republican presidential candidates. Not a single word about buttsechs. My disappointment is palpable. But I was only listening, not watching, so maybe she sent out some hand signals or something (the hand moving up and down vigorously or something).

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I see the "Arrogant Progturds" changed it's moniker to "ProgtardsFearDissent" today. Wonder what the odds are that it's our hit-and-run downfister? Every time I see that happening, "Eleanor Rigby" starts playing in my head.

  30. Blendergoathead

    At least the "muslim headband = martyr" is a concept these knuckledraggers can easily retain in their lizard brains. I'd love to see them try to grasp the "[whatever color] bandana + [right/left] rear pocket = type of gay" code I had to learn when I moved to the Castro. That shit took *years* to figure out.

  31. Ugh

    I guess the real question is why are we spending government money to train cops to be racist assholes? It's like teaching Newt Gingrich how to be a sleazebag.

  32. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Q: How can you tell that a lawyer is lying?

    A: His lips are moving, his body is shaved, he is wearing a headband, he has a long beard, and the ACLU and the UN and the SEIU are in league with radical Islamists to impose Sharia law schools on personal liability attorneys.

    1. Troubledog

      Shave your body and move your lips
      Talkin' to Allah while your heartbeat rips
      Back at the madrassa, you used to be so shy
      But you'll show them all when you kiss them goodbye

      Whoa! He's a loaded gunnnnnn…
      Whoa! There's nowhere to run
      Ahmed's got the Semtex
      On Flight Ninety One

      Just like Glenn Beck and O'Reilly claim
      You give Islam a bad name
      (Bad name)
      Your Sharia law makes you play this game
      You give Islam a bad name
      (Bad name)

  33. tessiee

    "“From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained."

    Well, no WONDER it's not working! That's not a terrist, it's porn!

  34. Mahousu

    So counter-terrorism education is about as accurate, and as effective, as D.A.R.E. Except it doesn't encourage kids to turn their parents into the police, so it still has a ways to go.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      When I first heard that I thought it was a joke. Then a good friend of mine told me his daughter had caught him with a joint and was blackmailing him.

      Is this a wonderful country or what?

  35. fuflans

    hey! where is the wonkette coverage of the northwestern university live sex demonstration of a motorised sex toy in a lecture hall?

    this has been a particularly hard day and i think we've earned it.

  36. user-of-owls

    You want to know something that's curious. For better or worse, I work on political violence as a career. No, not in the applied but rather the academic sense, sorry. So here's the odd thing: professional bomb makers do, in fact, shave themselves completely clean. They also assemble their diabolical machines while completely naked. Why? In a word, friction. Static electricity is not your friend if you're fiddling with PETN.

    Oh, and you'd really best get yourself seriously slick if you want to go retro and play with fulminating silver. Ah, that's the stuff if the capitalists come at you with congreve rockets, comrade!

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Didn't the British use Congreve Rockets at the Battle of New Orleans?

      Now, of course, to call the British Imperialists is a bad thing. Just ask Mike Huckleberry…

  37. iburl

    Ironically, these are the only government jobs that the GOP approves of. I don't know what "ironically" means.

  38. Lascauxcaveman

    WHAT? OMG, then this is a photoshop!? I'll never trust the internets again!

    But that bit about the Bulls having a headband ban is interesting, considering the idea of those things is to keep the sweat out of your eyes, and basketball players tend to sweat, on occasion.

    Eh, eff Chicago, anyway. Eff the NBA.

    [/disgruntled ex-Supersonics fan]

    1. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

      thanks. love the highest rated comment "This was the Shit. This was when it was REAL" damn skippy son.

  39. Jukesgrrl

    So … every time I see a "Jesus Loves You" bumper sticker and it makes me seriously consider running into its owner on purpose … and my lips are moving because I'm muttering "goddamit, godamit, godamit" under my breath … and I'm sweating because I have repressed anger … I'm a terrorist and I can expect to be whacked? Well, I may as well start wearing my keffiyeh again.

  40. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    speaking of terrism, the capitol in madison has been officially cleared of "slobs" and "abnormal" people (thx glenn grothman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbKIeuL3GhM).

    i marched w/ over 5,000 nurses today up state street to the capitol. then, suddenly, one of the doors opened. oops! a bunch of people went in (not i, alas). hours later they left. some lawyers came and went. at one point, there were 21 protesters in the capitol and, oh, i don't know, 10 times as many law enforcement officers. seems a bit silly, if'n you ask me.

    so the capitol has been cleared after 17 days of camping inside. some folks are still camping outside.

    a judge ordered the capitol remain really real open to the public during normal business hours. but people can't stay there overnight.

    we are expecting the largest crowd ever this saturday. over 70,000.

    there are some who say we won. there are some who say we lost. i don't know. all i can tell you is this shit ain't over yet. we are not leaving. we will not be intimidated. we are working on recalls of republican state senators. we have inflatable goddamn palm trees. we have crazy beast people. we have thousands of people who have never protested before. this shit ain't over.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Love the inflatable palm trees! I certainly hope that Grothman pays at the polls for that "slobs" idiocy–the arrogant prick.

      Solidarity from Boise, ID, where the legislature is also preparing to throw teachers under the bus. Again. And then run the bus back and forth until they're good and squashed.

    2. El Pinche

      Shit aint over until Walker is impeached. That asshole needs to be deported back to the Republic of Retardanica.

    3. Radiotherapy

      N_I_C, Oh how I wish i was retired or a "job creator" person and could come up there and support you guys.
      Is there anything we can do to help?

  41. alaninthecastro

    I always move my lips while walking through airports. I am saying, "Get me the fuck out of this airport."

  42. James Michael Curley

    This Flannigan knows about which he talks! He, is a graduate of Kent State where a line of heavily armoured terrorists lead by that fundimentalist radical Dickni Xon shot down four students in 1970.

    You can always tell a radical muslin terrorist because they have an X in their name.

  43. proudgrampa

    I propose a new national holiday: National Shave Your Body and Move Your Lips Day! Now that's kinky!

  44. randcoolcatdaddy

    "there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips"

    Well, you've pretty much described most analysts on Fox News right there…

  45. ttommyunger

    I'll move my body, but as little as possible. Nope, no shaveee the lips, sorry. BTW, we are doomed.

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