THEY'RE A PHOENIX ARE YOU?  4:57 pm March 3, 2011

Government-Funded ‘Terrorism Experts’ Just Guys Who Hate Islam

by Jack Stuef

They're coming.As the weather gets warmer, it’s time for Americans across the land to go out in the sun, get (their scooters) some exercise, and return to hating Muslims, so here’s your third post of the day on this exciting, innovative movement. Our country, as we all know, is still pretty certain a terrorist attack is going to happen on domestic soil any second now, so it continues to throw money at programs that are pointless at best and, at worst, take attention away from real threats. Case in point: Nobody knows how much money the federal and local governments spend on unnecessary terrorism instruction for police officers in Podunk, USA. But because the money exists, there are people willing to call themselves “terrorism experts” and take it. People with mail-order diplomas and deep prejudices against and misconceptions about Muslims.

“When you have a Muslim that wears a headband, regardless of color or insignia, basically what that is telling you is ‘I am willing to be a martyr.’” There were other signs, too. “From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained. “Some of the Pakistani hijackers shaved their whole bodies in a ritual of cleanliness. If their lips are moving, these guys are praying. As they are walking through an airport, every second they’re going to be praying.”

Sure, whatever. “The Muslims who drive to the mosque in Fords are too afraid to blow themselves up. But you can spot the ones who are terrorists because they drive either a green 1997 Plymouth Breeze or ride around on a vicious dinosaur.” See, we could totally do this job. Give us defense moneys, pls.

The certification chairman for ATAB is a man named Keith Flannigan. Flannigan claims numerous qualifications: a BA from Kent State University in 2008, an MA in psychology from the University of Frankfurt, likewise in 2008, and a PhD in philosophy from Northfield University—once again in 2008. However, the National Student Clearing House, a degree-verification service, was unable to find record of Flannigan at Kent State, nor did the University of Frankfurt find any evidence of attendance. When queried, Flannigan claimed that we couldn’t find his records because Keith Flannigan is not his legal name. Flannigan may well have a doctorate, for what it’s worth, from Northfield University, as it is run by the University Degree Program, described by Chronicle of Higher Education as “the granddaddy of diploma mill operations.”

Let us trust this man with our security operations. He seems like a man we can trust.

But look what happens when an American Muslim security officer gets taught by one of these guys. Whoops!

The same month that Kharoba was being invited to incorporate his material into the FLETC curriculum, FLETC received a complaint from an Immigration and Customs Enforcement official named Muhammad Rana. Rana had been angered by course materials that included a handout describing “fundamentalist Muslims” as people with “long beards and head coverings” who, while “we call them radicals … are practicing true Islam.” Eleven out of fifteen members of the class submitted a letter in support of Rana’s complaint, and Rana took his case to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, which ruled in his favor.

Whatever happened to simple, instructional VHS tapes? Just get one guy who is a legitimate terrorism expert from the CIA or whatever, have him narrate a video with cheesy music and bad actors wearing Zubaz, and send it out to police departments across the country. Problem solved! Terrorism over! In conclusion:

[Washington Monthly via Wonkette operative "Abe R."]

 
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{ 192 comments }

walstib March 3, 2011 at 5:00 pm

So Mike Bibby and his headband wearing brethren in teh NBA had better look out!!

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Praise be to Allah that Hillary finally got herself a stylist, or they'd be insistin' that we got ourselves two Muslin terrorists in the White House!

Doktor Avalanche March 3, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Just two? *shakes head* Sooo, naive, pointing bear.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I remember that #23, brown-skinned dude who used to play hoop for Chicago used to wear a headband a lot.

I'm really surprised the Sears Tower is still standing.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 3, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Remember Terrorists/Muslims, Jesus loves you!

nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 5:01 pm

"or ride around on a vicious dinosaur.”
Just like Jeebus did.

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:09 pm

*His* dinosaur was *never* vicious. A little snippy at times, maybe, but that happens to the best of us.

LocalGirlMakesGoo March 3, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Obvs.

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 2:31 am

Trust me, Muscular Jesus' dinosaur was a bad-ass. He rode a vicious T-Rex.

memzilla March 3, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Nice Trifecta of Haytin' On Teh Muslins today, Jack. God Of Abraham FAIL.

Angry_Marmot March 3, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Just wanted to acknowledge your avatar. I Go Pogo!

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 5:23 pm

In the bloggin' biz, that's what's known as a "hate trick".

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Wait till they get to Satin's influence on our schoolchiyuldrunz.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I new it! Those Muslins wurship Satin! Jezus save us!

OneDollarJuana March 3, 2011 at 8:08 pm

That Satin, he's smooooth.

OneYieldRegular March 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Moving lips? So "Clutch Cargo" was actually a form of Muslim indoctrination?

jim89048 March 3, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Worst. Cartoon. Evar!

EdFlintstone March 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

You know who else had long hair and a beard…….

nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Johnny Damon.

Gratuitous World March 3, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Duane Allman?

DaRooster March 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Abe Lincoln?

Well, scragley hair…

SexySmurf March 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Willie Nelson?

memzilla March 3, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Rasputin?

metamarcisf March 3, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Carrot Top?

MinAgain March 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

ZZTop?

genxr March 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

2/3rds of ZZ Top?

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Wait, Frank Beard is no longer their drummer?!

ManchuCandidate March 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Tom Cruise

CapnFatback March 3, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Well, his beard has long hair . . .

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 2:34 am

FTW

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Relatedly: John Travolta.

(Long hairpieces count, right?)

tessiee March 4, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I thought John Travolta's beard was Kelly Preston?

LionelHutzEsq March 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Rush, circa 2112?

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I'm sure that Geddy Neal and Alex will be dead by then.

smokefilledroommate March 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Truck Driver?

SorosBot March 3, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Aragorn, son of Arathorn?

SayItWithWookies March 3, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Jim Caviezel?

undeterredbyreality March 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm
OneDollarJuana March 3, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Boy, do I get conflicted feelings from that photo.

GregComlish March 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Christine O'Donnell's unkempt vagina?

gef05 March 3, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Me!

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:11 pm

The Mormon Elders? Bob Marley? Frank Zappa?

Bluestatelibel March 3, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Rip van Winkle?

HempDogbane March 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Lee Greenwood?

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 2:35 am

Not anymore.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Winona Ryder, in that one scene in Little Women, where they're putting on a play?

(Even w/the fake beard, highly bangable.)

mumbly_joe March 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Gandalf?

mumbly_joe March 3, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Iron & Wine?

OneDollarJuana March 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm

That steak leftover from two weeks ago?

tessiee March 3, 2011 at 8:45 pm

That guy down the street, what's-his-name… you know who I mean… the guy with the blue car.

user-of-owls March 3, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Someone (successfully) bloating his pee by casting this chum into the water?

or, um, George Washington?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 3, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Some stuff in teh bottom of my fridge?

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Wonkette?

Radiotherapy March 4, 2011 at 3:22 am

Jack Stuef?

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 3, 2011 at 11:53 pm

jimbo's mom's date gunther?

gullywompr March 3, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Bruce Vilanch?

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 2:33 am

Johnny Depp?

All elderly Eastern European women?

Gratuitous World March 3, 2011 at 5:07 pm

For all domestic and international flights, the U.S. threat level is Brown, or Bullshit.

gef05 March 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Ah yes. The color-coded system of terror. Also known as the Pantone of Panic. Does it even still exist?

bureaucrap March 3, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I'm an expert in terrorism; I'm terrified by everything.

SexySmurf March 3, 2011 at 5:08 pm

From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips

Has he tried the men's room at the Minneapolis airport? Of course he has.

SorosBot March 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

He could also try visiting the Valley and our nation's proud porn studios.

metamarcisf March 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm

After some research, it seems that this "Keith Flannigan " is a professor emeritus at the University of Phoenix, where he also coaches their top 25 football team.

CapnFatback March 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Go, go, Fightin' For-Profits!

MinAgain March 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm

there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips

Ah, yes. The Competitive Swimmer Theory of Terrorist Profiling.

emmelemm March 3, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Yeah, I'm wondering how you casually observe a totally shaved body in a public place, especially considering that most religious Muslims, including the men, try to be covered from head to toe.

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Let's just say we don't want to push that inquiry too far, shall we? (reaches for brain-'n-eyeball-bleach)

bflrtsplk March 3, 2011 at 6:39 pm

My hair fell out after living downwind from the Indian Point nuke plant for six months and I move my lips when I read. Guess I better not walk through any airports.

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

BRAZILLIONZ DID 911!!

Doktor Avalanche March 3, 2011 at 6:14 pm

He's gotta have some way to relax in his free time, if you know what I mean *wink

ManchuCandidate March 3, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I'm more qualified to be a "terroizm hexpurt" than these fuckers because I've read Huntington (ass) and Bernie Lewis (he reads well, but an ass on TV) plus I eat Halal meats from time to time, make Hummus and my neighbor is Pakistani and play Counterstrike on line.

V572625694 March 3, 2011 at 5:54 pm

What Went Wrong was an interesting book.

AngryBlakGuy March 3, 2011 at 5:59 pm

…your neighbor is "Pakistani"(pronounced: OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!!!!)?! I already know he must always play with the Terrorist class!!!

gef05 March 3, 2011 at 6:02 pm

You terrify me.

TheMightyHaltor March 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm

A BA, MA, and PhD all in the same year? Who is this guy, Doogie Howser?

ManchuCandidate March 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Sheldon Cooper

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I wonder if he got his dissertation and his thesis mixed up when he defended them. Wups!
Lucky for him Delta has a direct flight from Cincinnati to Frankfurt, otherwise the commute might have killed him.

Doktor Avalanche March 3, 2011 at 6:16 pm

That could explain his interest, or 'manhunt' if you will, for hairless dudes.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm

A BA, MA, and PhD all in the same year?

All three degrees most likely purchased with grant money from Homeland Security, because, by golly, we need some "terrorism experts" and we we need 'em right now!

Dudleydidwrong March 3, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Sarah Palin did it. Wait! No, she got one degree in sixteen years and six sort-of institutions of "higher" learning. But that must qualify her as a terrist x-purt. She can see terr-rists from her house, betcha.

tessiee March 3, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Well, he got the BA for drawing "Sparky", the MA for drawing "Mittens", and the PhD for drawing "Mr. Bunny Rabbit", so really, the majority of the year was occupied with the search for matchbook covers.

donner_froh March 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

"But because the money exists, there are people willing to call themselves “terrorism experts” and take it. People with mail-order diplomas and deep prejudices against and misconceptions about Muslims."

I can get a few mail order degrees by tomorrow and I have deep prejudices against and misunderstanding of whichever group is currently on someone's hate list (Mormons, fashion designers, readers of Red State–you name it).

I can haz monies?

tessiee March 3, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I have neither deep prejudices nor a mail-order diploma, but I am perfectly willing to fight against terrorism by reading library books and drinking coffee. For a bonus of one month's salary, I'll also fight terrorism by petting the neighbor's cats.
Hello?
Anyone?
*crickets chirping*
*muffled cough from back of auditorium*

CalamityJames March 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Jeebus hates downfisters.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 3, 2011 at 5:33 pm

It's really more that he loves upfisters:

Blessed are the p's-makers, for they will be called sons of God. — Matthew 5:9

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Alla y'all's talk about fisting is giving me a longing.

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm

It is not that unusual to get ALL your degrees in the same year. Many under grads are working on their MA and PhD while struggling to get that BA and support a family of 27. It is very common. Nothing to see here.

CapnFatback March 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm

When queried, Flannigan claimed that we couldn’t find his records because Keith Flannigan is not his legal name.

His real name? Ibrahim Abdullah.

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Why is this bad? Sarah Palin went to five schools.

ManchuCandidate March 3, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Howdy Downfister. How are you doing? How was your week long meal? Did you have to shit a lot?

Still kind of pissed we make fun you don't you. Where are your friends from Bitpart land? I sure would like you to knock down my pee score. I don't want to be in triple digits anymore. Too much pressure.

FlownOver March 4, 2011 at 2:35 am

Is that who I should blame for my intractable double-digit pee? 'Cause the only alternative would be that my stuff just isn't that good, and surely that can't be right.

Redhead March 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Because a guy who was able to finish his undergraduate, masters and doctorate courses in a year was DEFINITELY going to a real school and not a diploma mill that teaches three-week long "courses."

SorosBot March 3, 2011 at 5:28 pm

And they were in unrelated fields. How many classes did he take? All of 'em, Charlie.

Extemporanus March 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

And they were on unconnected continents, too.

PresBeeblebrox March 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Sounds as credible as the mail-order Witchcraft Expert whose testimony put the West Memphis 3 on Death Row in Arkansas. According to that genius, if you wear "black dungarees", paint yr. nails black, and have tattoos, you're into Witchcraft. That would put about 2/3 of Portland in thrall to Satan, I think.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Which is just silly. Everyone knows it's closer to 4/5.

undeterredbyreality March 3, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I didn't realize Maine had such a vigorous Satanic following…

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 3, 2011 at 7:37 pm

A college roommate of mine did his internship and psychiatry residency in Portland ME. He talked about ER cases like patients with light bulbs stuck in their rectums as being common. So yes. Lord Satan is venerated in Maine, too.

LionelHutzEsq March 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Well, good, Fox News now has a use for their old 1960s riot footage.

nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Just as soon they edit out all of the palm trees.

OneDollarJuana March 3, 2011 at 8:13 pm

They can use riot film from Attica. Not only will it show "liberals" rioting, it will prove that they are also criminals who should be locked up.

Radiotherapy March 4, 2011 at 3:27 am

This might help too:
At a news conference in Kent, Ohio, on Sunday May 3, 1970, the day before the Kent State shootings, Gov. Jim Rhodes said of the Kent State protesters:
"They're worse than the Brownshirts, and the Communist element, and also the Night Riders, and the vigilantes. They're the worst type of people that we harbor in America."[

smokefilledroommate March 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

"Flannigan" has a BS in just about everything.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

“…there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained.

Wait, was this from his terrorism seminar or his personal add on Craigslist's m4m section?

Giveusabob March 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I hear Yusuf Islam (aka Cat Stevens) also wears a headband and has been known to sport long, flowing locks. Goodness! I just realized I was recruited as a Martyr when listened to "WIld World" so many years ago!

V572625694 March 3, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Not to mention Al-Ivia Newton-John

not that Dewey March 3, 2011 at 10:16 pm
LionelHutzEsq March 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Personally, my only information for what is happening in the Muslim world is what Glenn Beck has devined from his visions. Anything else is suspect.

neiltheblaze March 3, 2011 at 5:25 pm

This country is becoming too stupid to breathe. And get off my lawn!

sezme March 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Some of you seem to think he's unqualified for his position. He was hired because he's a Christian™. Duh.

genxr March 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Shaved and moving lips is what I always look for too! Wait, are we talking about the same thing?

hagajim March 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

people with “long beards

Sheeiiit! I didn't know that Rutherford Hayes was a Muslin! And, Grant, Garfield, Lincoln and Harrison to boot. Almost like the Masonic Preznits. All of them were pretty bad Preznits ceptin' Lincoln – but he freed the colored people we used to be afeard of before we found the Muslins.

Ducksworthy March 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Hmmm. It just occurred to me that we bought all those colored peeple from the Muslins, well not me but the rednek states. So what if they're actually a giant sleeper cell. I had a vision of that showing up on Beck's blackboard. So. Never Mind.

OneDollarJuana March 3, 2011 at 8:17 pm

And Gabby Hayes! And Isaac Hayes (well, the beard anyway)!

DoktorZoom March 4, 2011 at 12:37 am

Not to mention President Doug Wobble, President Geoffrey Risenburg, and President Geoffrey Savinkus. But not President Buddy Knox, who only had sideburns.

genxr March 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

"If their lips are moving, these guys are praying. As they are walking through an airport, every second they’re going to be praying.”

I wasn't praying, I was just muttering to myself about how much I hate teh muslins.

jus_wonderin March 3, 2011 at 5:45 pm

..spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon…

BerkeleyBear March 3, 2011 at 5:47 pm

See, I'm praying all the time in the airport too – namely that I'll get to my flight without having to deal with the TSA guy who just had this "course" and is hopped up on Red Bull and the hope of making a takedown.

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 11:53 am

On the other hand, if Newt's lips are moving, you know he's lying.

SayItWithWookies March 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Yeah, I've met idiots like this — they will tell you authoritatively that some shit crazier than most of what's been refuted on Snopes is absolutely 100% true. Ten years before Dubya saved the world from Saddam Hussein, they were telling anyone who would listen that he had poisoned villages secretly to test chemical warfare technologies and that dozens of Iraqi wells had chem-bio shells and manufacturing equipment hidden in them, just ready to be put on SCUD missiles and fired at Israel. They're the grandchildren of John Birchers and the speakers at the DA convention in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

SorosBot March 3, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Hell, a lot of them still subscribe to the Birchers' "Fluoride in drinking water is Communist mind control!" bullshit.

bumfug March 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm

So the only people who are ideologically sound have teeth like a meth fiend?

tessiee March 3, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I think there's a bit of overlap in *that* particular Venn diagram!

MadBrahms March 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

"If that Muslim is on a treadmill with his headband, it's because he's training to blow up the New York Marathon"

BarackMyWorld March 3, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Boom shocka locka shocka locka shocka locka…

bumfug March 3, 2011 at 6:36 pm
ManchuCandidate March 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Downfister mad!!

AngryBlakGuy March 3, 2011 at 5:43 pm

…honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone driving a "Plymouth Breeze" if they decided to strap 30lbs of C-4 around their waste and turn themselves into red mist! Actually, I may encourage it!!!!!!

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I thought Frank Abagnale Jr. was in retirement from all that pretending-to-be-someone-he-wasn't.

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 5:57 pm

He is out and working for the FBI, right? Last I heard anyway. We used to pen pals but then he dropped me for a sexier pen pal.

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Hell, he's been out of prison since 1974. He gave a talk at my high school back in '76.

CalamityJames March 3, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Let me get this straight. Three different "degrees" in one year, and an outright xenophobic hatred of Muslims. Who the hell cares about Newt, this guy is the only true possible candidate for President.

Barrelhse March 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Great career op for any out-of-work Wanketeers. Anyone?

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm

The husb likes me shaved with my lips moving. Most men are appreciative of moving lips. Muslins are no exception. In fact they hate teh hair sooooo much Barack Hussein Obamar demands they cover their head with fancy scarves. Everybody knows that Obamar is a muslin, Kenyan, Communist, Marxist, Chinese, Liberal, potato farmer, drug addict married with children homosexual. Suck that xtians.

emmelemm March 3, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Potato farmer?

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Yes, the naughty tuber that grows underground under nefarious conditions and is eaten by the truckload by poors.

fuflans March 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm

k. time for a cocktail.

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 3, 2011 at 11:54 pm

i don't understand the idea that sometimes it is not time for a cocktail.

fuflans March 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm

also, i think today is officially lily allen day:

fuck you, fuck you very very much
cause we hate what you do
and we hate your whole crew
so please don't stay in touch.

Doktor Avalanche March 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

But those are white peeple, duh! They cain't be terrists.

mumbly_joe March 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm

This. I'm pretty sure the term SorosBot was searching for was "lone nut" or "guy with an understandable grievance actually" or "actually, this one friend from high school who hasn't seen him in years said he smoked pot, so he must be a liberal".

Bluestatelibel March 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm

"If their lips are moving, these guys are praying." Or maybe just using hands-free cellphone, same thing.

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Wow, the less I comment here, the bigger my p's. That's incentive.

jim89048 March 3, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Table candles?

jim89048 March 3, 2011 at 6:47 pm

All this time I was thinking the reason all those rednecks moved away from me at the Waffle House in Mobile AL was because I was a dirty hippie, now it turns out it was because I was a Muslin?
Long hair: check.
Long beard: check.
Shaved everywhere else not covered by long hair and long beard? Oh, hell no.
Moving lips? I WAS EATING MY WAFFLES, YOU ASSHOLES!

bumfug March 3, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Razor blades! Poison! Hangin' ropes! Get yer razor blades, poison and hangin' ropes right here! Ya can't give in to complete despair without yer razor blades, poison or a hangin' rope!

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi March 3, 2011 at 6:49 pm

yep yep

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 6:57 pm

OT, but Anna Marie Cox was just on Cenk Uygur's show talking about potential Republican presidential candidates. Not a single word about buttsechs. My disappointment is palpable. But I was only listening, not watching, so maybe she sent out some hand signals or something (the hand moving up and down vigorously or something).

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 3, 2011 at 11:55 pm

no mention of teabagging either?

El Pinche March 3, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Didn't stop me from fap fap fap'ing.

Angry_Marmot March 4, 2011 at 5:29 am

I can has loop of Anna Marie Cox moving her hand up and down?

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 11:56 am

Heh, heh, you said Cox.

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Well, I see the "Arrogant Progturds" changed it's moniker to "ProgtardsFearDissent" today. Wonder what the odds are that it's our hit-and-run downfister? Every time I see that happening, "Eleanor Rigby" starts playing in my head.

Tundra Grifter March 3, 2011 at 7:13 pm

In this same vein, it turns out much of what we've heard, read and seen about law enforcement "profilers" is pure BS.

I highly recommend "Dangerous Minds" by Malcolm Gladwell (yes, that Malcolm Gladwell). Fascinating!
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/11/12/071

Blendergoathead March 3, 2011 at 7:19 pm

At least the "muslim headband = martyr" is a concept these knuckledraggers can easily retain in their lizard brains. I'd love to see them try to grasp the "[whatever color] bandana + [right/left] rear pocket = type of gay" code I had to learn when I moved to the Castro. That shit took *years* to figure out.

natoslug March 3, 2011 at 7:43 pm

MYGAWDTHETERRISTHAVETOOKENOVERMY7-11!!!1!!one!WON!!!!

Ugh March 3, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I guess the real question is why are we spending government money to train cops to be racist assholes? It's like teaching Newt Gingrich how to be a sleazebag.

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 3, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Q: How can you tell that a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving, his body is shaved, he is wearing a headband, he has a long beard, and the ACLU and the UN and the SEIU are in league with radical Islamists to impose Sharia law schools on personal liability attorneys.

jim89048 March 3, 2011 at 7:55 pm

While we're on the subject of terrists: Que Sirhan Sirhan…

zhubajie March 4, 2011 at 4:20 am

One would think SS would be a Rep hero for killing a Dem.

Troubledog March 3, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Who isn't looking for a shaved body and moving lips?

Troubledog March 4, 2011 at 12:43 am

Now I have a Bon Jovi song stuck in my head.

Troubledog March 4, 2011 at 1:05 am

Shave your body and move your lips
Talkin' to Allah while your heartbeat rips
Back at the madrassa, you used to be so shy
But you'll show them all when you kiss them goodbye

Whoa! He's a loaded gunnnnnn…
Whoa! There's nowhere to run
Ahmed's got the Semtex
On Flight Ninety One

Just like Glenn Beck and O'Reilly claim
You give Islam a bad name
(Bad name)
Your Sharia law makes you play this game
You give Islam a bad name
(Bad name)

tessiee March 3, 2011 at 8:47 pm

"“From the perspective of operational security, there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips,” he explained."

Well, no WONDER it's not working! That's not a terrist, it's porn!

Mahousu March 3, 2011 at 8:49 pm

So counter-terrorism education is about as accurate, and as effective, as D.A.R.E. Except it doesn't encourage kids to turn their parents into the police, so it still has a ways to go.

Tundra Grifter March 3, 2011 at 10:24 pm

When I first heard that I thought it was a joke. Then a good friend of mine told me his daughter had caught him with a joint and was blackmailing him.

Is this a wonderful country or what?

fuflans March 3, 2011 at 8:51 pm

hey! where is the wonkette coverage of the northwestern university live sex demonstration of a motorised sex toy in a lecture hall?

this has been a particularly hard day and i think we've earned it.

Come here a minute March 3, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Great training class! [Gives thumbs up.] Aces!

Come here a second March 3, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Amen!

user-of-owls March 3, 2011 at 9:26 pm

You want to know something that's curious. For better or worse, I work on political violence as a career. No, not in the applied but rather the academic sense, sorry. So here's the odd thing: professional bomb makers do, in fact, shave themselves completely clean. They also assemble their diabolical machines while completely naked. Why? In a word, friction. Static electricity is not your friend if you're fiddling with PETN.

Oh, and you'd really best get yourself seriously slick if you want to go retro and play with fulminating silver. Ah, that's the stuff if the capitalists come at you with congreve rockets, comrade!

Tundra Grifter March 3, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Didn't the British use Congreve Rockets at the Battle of New Orleans?

Now, of course, to call the British Imperialists is a bad thing. Just ask Mike Huckleberry…

BarackMyWorld March 3, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I guess President Obama was on the phone with the DHS in that video, evidently.

iburl March 3, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Ironically, these are the only government jobs that the GOP approves of. I don't know what "ironically" means.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 9:45 pm

WHAT? OMG, then this is a photoshop!? I'll never trust the internets again!

But that bit about the Bulls having a headband ban is interesting, considering the idea of those things is to keep the sweat out of your eyes, and basketball players tend to sweat, on occasion.

Eh, eff Chicago, anyway. Eff the NBA.

[/disgruntled ex-Supersonics fan]

AddHomonym March 3, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Jack, if we are going to have to watch some 90s hippity-hop video, why can't it be that "let me clear my throat" song? That was awesome. http://bit.ly/3uBZsb

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 4, 2011 at 12:00 am

thanks. love the highest rated comment "This was the Shit. This was when it was REAL" damn skippy son.

Jukesgrrl March 4, 2011 at 12:00 am

So … every time I see a "Jesus Loves You" bumper sticker and it makes me seriously consider running into its owner on purpose … and my lips are moving because I'm muttering "goddamit, godamit, godamit" under my breath … and I'm sweating because I have repressed anger … I'm a terrorist and I can expect to be whacked? Well, I may as well start wearing my keffiyeh again.

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 4, 2011 at 12:25 am

you know the word "keffiyeh". i guess you didn't go to northfield?

The_Great_Gazoo March 4, 2011 at 12:11 am

They are all from Orange County, CA, yes?

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 4, 2011 at 12:12 am

speaking of terrism, the capitol in madison has been officially cleared of "slobs" and "abnormal" people (thx glenn grothman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbKIeuL3GhM).

i marched w/ over 5,000 nurses today up state street to the capitol. then, suddenly, one of the doors opened. oops! a bunch of people went in (not i, alas). hours later they left. some lawyers came and went. at one point, there were 21 protesters in the capitol and, oh, i don't know, 10 times as many law enforcement officers. seems a bit silly, if'n you ask me.

so the capitol has been cleared after 17 days of camping inside. some folks are still camping outside.

a judge ordered the capitol remain really real open to the public during normal business hours. but people can't stay there overnight.

we are expecting the largest crowd ever this saturday. over 70,000.

there are some who say we won. there are some who say we lost. i don't know. all i can tell you is this shit ain't over yet. we are not leaving. we will not be intimidated. we are working on recalls of republican state senators. we have inflatable goddamn palm trees. we have crazy beast people. we have thousands of people who have never protested before. this shit ain't over.

DoktorZoom March 4, 2011 at 12:27 am

Love the inflatable palm trees! I certainly hope that Grothman pays at the polls for that "slobs" idiocy–the arrogant prick.

Solidarity from Boise, ID, where the legislature is also preparing to throw teachers under the bus. Again. And then run the bus back and forth until they're good and squashed.

El Pinche March 4, 2011 at 2:23 am

Shit aint over until Walker is impeached. That asshole needs to be deported back to the Republic of Retardanica.

Radiotherapy March 4, 2011 at 3:36 am

N_I_C, Oh how I wish i was retired or a "job creator" person and could come up there and support you guys.
Is there anything we can do to help?

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm

you can donate $ to the teachers assistant association https://secure.actblue.com/page/taa-pac or the group that is trying to recall the republican state senators http://www.recalltherepublican8.com/.

or! since we are all cosmic hippies here, you can send us good vibes.

thank you and thank you and thank you.

alaninthecastro March 4, 2011 at 1:26 am

I always move my lips while walking through airports. I am saying, "Get me the fuck out of this airport."

James Michael Curley March 4, 2011 at 6:12 am

This Flannigan knows about which he talks! He, is a graduate of Kent State where a line of heavily armoured terrorists lead by that fundimentalist radical Dickni Xon shot down four students in 1970.

You can always tell a radical muslin terrorist because they have an X in their name.

proudgrampa March 4, 2011 at 7:12 am

I propose a new national holiday: National Shave Your Body and Move Your Lips Day! Now that's kinky!

randcoolcatdaddy March 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

"there are two things I am always looking out for: a shaved body and moving lips"

Well, you've pretty much described most analysts on Fox News right there…

ttommyunger March 4, 2011 at 11:58 am

I'll move my body, but as little as possible. Nope, no shaveee the lips, sorry. BTW, we are doomed.

ShaveTheWhales March 4, 2011 at 2:18 am

But he haz no beard.

Extemporanus March 4, 2011 at 2:59 am

♪♫ It's like hair on your baby's face
It's a moustache ride when you've already shaved
It's the grooming advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought…it itches…
♪♫

smokefilledroommate March 4, 2011 at 3:17 am

The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm!!

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