why it's not a real state

Junior Sen. Daniel Akaka, 86, Not Seeking Re-Election After Just 20 Years In Senate

Hawaii Democratic Sen. Daniel Akaka will not seek re-election in 2012, the fifth Democratic or Democratic aligned incumbent to bow out already this election cycle.

Way to cut and run, Akaka! At 86, you’re probably the second- or third-youngest person in the entire Congress!

You shouldn’t be allowed to leave the Senate until you’re dead. And you shouldn’t be allowed to die until you’ve spent at least two full terms in the hospital unable to vote on any legislation.

Enjoy actually having a retirement like a real human being, asshole. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. JimmyCarlBlack

        Exactly. Who can forget the Mau Mau Rebellion, when the residents of Maui ungratefully rose up against their U.K. British masters.

      2. MildMidwesterner

        Does this mean there is yet another octogenerian senator with a black mistress?

      3. Negropolis

        Yeah, it's right off the coast there in the Indian Ocean and is routinely molested by Somali pirates.

  1. Barbara_i

    Time to go home, open your bible and cram for your finals. Feel free to Take McCain with you on the way out.

  2. SorosBot

    Thank Akaka and his fellow Hawaii Senator for keeping the current Senate from being 100% white.

  3. nounverb911

    "You shouldn’t be allowed to leave the Senate until you’re dead. And you shouldn’t be allowed to die until you’ve spent at least two full terms in the hospital unable to vote on any legislation."
    Does being brain dead count? Most of the senate would qualify already.

    1. V572625694

      Statesmen/Philospher-Kings from HI specialize in bringing home military pork, and have been extremely successful at it!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Pretty sure they don't grow pineapple commercially in HI anymore, what with those "American" workers demanding more than $1/hr like they get paid in Central America and whatnot.

      I blame the unions, of course.

    3. arihaya

      when we were ruled by Peanut-Industrial complex we got a nice peace treaty for Israel,,,

      so bring on the Pineapple-Industrial complex !!

    4. MsQuasimodo

      It overlords the undersea housing construction and loan industry, providing overpriced, shoddy housing with balloon mortgages to small sea creatures living in places like Bikini Bottom.

  4. neiltheblaze

    Imagine his frustration, though – 86, and still a "junior". Maybe by retiring his acne will clear up.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    This is good news for John McCain! Come on…now he can be the oldest living fossil in the Senate, right?

      1. Negropolis

        That's good for John McCain. I'm sure he's hoping to pull in some of the Egyptian-American vote with that stunt.

  6. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Sounds like impeachment will be on the table in 2013.

    Heckuva job, President Obama!

    Just remember, you and your Bush's third term Administration spent four years asking begging for it. And I'm sure your new best friends forever, Dana Milbank, Matt Bai, etc. will totally have your back. That's what they're known for!

  7. ttommyunger

    Thank God he's leaving. I have five dogs and a cat and every time I said this crusty old fuck's name I coughed up a hair ball. He's fucking worthless anyway.

    1. PublicLuxury

      Lots of people get their hairballs the old fashioned way. Just sayin'. Licking your cat is so 'new age'.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Off topic, but now that Kosovan Muslim dude has killed some airmen in Germany, shouldn't we invade and occupy Kosovo?


      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Plus they have good beer. From now on, we should just invade countries with good beer or wine.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          If that's the case, I move that we invade Scotland, for the delicious single malt stuff.

  9. DashboardBuddha

    I once took a ka ka and I called it George.

    (I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I'm at work and I'm transcendentally bored.)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I hope whomever is running the biggest medical marijuana dispensary in in HI throws his hat in the ring. He should have a war chest that'll stand up to any Republican in the state.

  10. Schmannnity

    Big relief to Inouye. Akaka always asking, "Are we there yet?' "How much longer?" and "I gotta pee."

  11. Come here a minute

    He's just quitting so he can say yes to appearing on Dancing With the Stars!

  12. Hatrabbit

    He was happy to keep his snout in the trough, until the cash ran out and it became a piss-trough.

  13. savethispatient

    He's just hoping to lock in his retirement benefits while the going is good. By 2013, even the Congress might have to cut their plan…

  14. Negropolis

    Surely, this makes him the Sarah Palin of Hawaii, right? Speaking of which, can you imagine how much more chill Sarah would have been if she'd grown up in Hawaii?

  15. donner_froh

    Makes sense–Daniel Inouye, the senior senator from Hawaii, is 87. And since he survived getting shot to hell during World War II Inouye will probably live forever. Or at least longer than Akaka, the other Daniel.

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