WHY IT'S NOT A REAL STATE  11:56 am March 3, 2011

Junior Sen. Daniel Akaka, 86, Not Seeking Re-Election After Just 20 Years In Senate

by Jack Stuef

Hawaii Democratic Sen. Daniel Akaka will not seek re-election in 2012, the fifth Democratic or Democratic aligned incumbent to bow out already this election cycle.

Way to cut and run, Akaka! At 86, you’re probably the second- or third-youngest person in the entire Congress!

You shouldn’t be allowed to leave the Senate until you’re dead. And you shouldn’t be allowed to die until you’ve spent at least two full terms in the hospital unable to vote on any legislation.

Enjoy actually having a retirement like a real human being, asshole. [WP]


Hola wonkerados.

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GuyClinch March 3, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Wait, we have senators from Hawaii??!? That not even a part of the U.S. America!

nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I always thought Hawaii was in Kenya.

JimmyCarlBlack March 3, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Exactly. Who can forget the Mau Mau Rebellion, when the residents of Maui ungratefully rose up against their U.K. British masters.

PristineODummy March 3, 2011 at 6:38 pm

That's MauMaui to you, white Black man.

MildMidwesterner March 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Does this mean there is yet another octogenerian senator with a black mistress?

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 4:13 am

Yeah, it's right off the coast there in the Indian Ocean and is routinely molested by Somali pirates.

Barbara_i March 3, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Time to go home, open your bible and cram for your finals. Feel free to Take McCain with you on the way out.

metamarcisf March 3, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Where's the birth certificate?

SorosBot March 3, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Thank Akaka and his fellow Hawaii Senator for keeping the current Senate from being 100% white.

nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

"You shouldn’t be allowed to leave the Senate until you’re dead. And you shouldn’t be allowed to die until you’ve spent at least two full terms in the hospital unable to vote on any legislation."
Does being brain dead count? Most of the senate would qualify already.

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Hate to see these Democratic "Young Guns" bowing out so early in their careers.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 3, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Probably quitting to become a lobbyist for the Pineapple-Industrial complex.

V572625694 March 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Statesmen/Philospher-Kings from HI specialize in bringing home military pork, and have been extremely successful at it!

imissopus March 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Ike warned us to watch out for Big Pineapple.

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Pretty sure they don't grow pineapple commercially in HI anymore, what with those "American" workers demanding more than $1/hr like they get paid in Central America and whatnot.

I blame the unions, of course.

arihaya March 3, 2011 at 8:50 pm

when we were ruled by Peanut-Industrial complex we got a nice peace treaty for Israel,,,

so bring on the Pineapple-Industrial complex !!

MsQuasimodo March 7, 2011 at 12:21 am

It overlords the undersea housing construction and loan industry, providing overpriced, shoddy housing with balloon mortgages to small sea creatures living in places like Bikini Bottom.

neiltheblaze March 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Imagine his frustration, though – 86, and still a "junior". Maybe by retiring his acne will clear up.

Texan_Bulldog March 3, 2011 at 12:18 pm

This is good news for John McCain! Come on…now he can be the oldest living fossil in the Senate, right?

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

John McCain is alive? I thought he was some sort of mummy…

GOPCrusher March 3, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Brendan Fraser is on line 1……..

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 4:47 am

That's good for John McCain. I'm sure he's hoping to pull in some of the Egyptian-American vote with that stunt.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 3, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Sounds like impeachment will be on the table in 2013.

Heckuva job, President Obama!

Just remember, you and your Bush's third term Administration spent four years asking begging for it. And I'm sure your new best friends forever, Dana Milbank, Matt Bai, etc. will totally have your back. That's what they're known for!

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 4:48 am

Huh? What does this have to do with Obama? Did I miss something?

ttommyunger March 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Thank God he's leaving. I have five dogs and a cat and every time I said this crusty old fuck's name I coughed up a hair ball. He's fucking worthless anyway.

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Lots of people get their hairballs the old fashioned way. Just sayin'. Licking your cat is so 'new age'.

ttommyunger March 3, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Show me a man who won't lick a pussy, and I'll have his wife.

BaldarTFlagass March 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Off topic, but now that Kosovan Muslim dude has killed some airmen in Germany, shouldn't we invade and occupy Kosovo?


nounverb911 March 3, 2011 at 12:36 pm

No, Germany. Real Merikans can actually find it on a map.

LionelHutzEsq March 3, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Plus they have good beer. From now on, we should just invade countries with good beer or wine.

BaldarTFlagass March 4, 2011 at 7:19 am

If that's the case, I move that we invade Scotland, for the delicious single malt stuff.

MsQuasimodo March 7, 2011 at 12:23 am

There's lotsa Germans, and beer, in Wisconsin. Just sayin'.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

They're just like Yugoslavia, we were just waiting for them to discover oil.

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 4:49 am

Did this guy forget that we leveled Belgrade for his people?

RedneckMuslin March 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm


DashboardBuddha March 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I once took a ka ka and I called it George.

(I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I'm at work and I'm transcendentally bored.)

inapewetrust March 3, 2011 at 12:35 pm

oh snap – this is the very moment hawaii's notorious arch conservatives have been waiting for

Weenus299 March 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

He will soon die of a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack.
We oughta know by now.

NorbertsRevenge March 3, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I seem to remember Selleck as a tennis-playing Reaganite prick; maybe Roger E. Mosley is available?

Lascauxcaveman March 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I hope whomever is running the biggest medical marijuana dispensary in in HI throws his hat in the ring. He should have a war chest that'll stand up to any Republican in the state.

Schmannnity March 3, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Big relief to Inouye. Akaka always asking, "Are we there yet?' "How much longer?" and "I gotta pee."

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr March 3, 2011 at 1:14 pm

what does lou sarah have to say about this quitter?

Come here a minute March 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

He's just quitting so he can say yes to appearing on Dancing With the Stars!

walstib March 3, 2011 at 1:44 pm

fucking quitter

off with his head

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm

He's retiring in order to spend more time with his urologist.

SexySmurf March 3, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I heard he only became a Senator so he could get lei-d.

PublicLuxury March 3, 2011 at 2:36 pm

He has a new reality show coming out on TLC, Daniel Akaka's Hawaii.

hagajim March 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Isn't Hawaii some islands in the Caribbean?

LionelHutzEsq March 3, 2011 at 5:28 pm

The terrible shame is that he was just getting a handle on the job.

Hatrabbit March 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm

He was happy to keep his snout in the trough, until the cash ran out and it became a piss-trough.

savethispatient March 3, 2011 at 7:34 pm

He's just hoping to lock in his retirement benefits while the going is good. By 2013, even the Congress might have to cut their plan…

Negropolis March 4, 2011 at 4:58 am

Surely, this makes him the Sarah Palin of Hawaii, right? Speaking of which, can you imagine how much more chill Sarah would have been if she'd grown up in Hawaii?

cheaphits March 5, 2011 at 11:10 am

Senators come, Senators go…who can explain it?

donner_froh March 6, 2011 at 12:36 am

Makes sense–Daniel Inouye, the senior senator from Hawaii, is 87. And since he survived getting shot to hell during World War II Inouye will probably live forever. Or at least longer than Akaka, the other Daniel.

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