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Famous Slug Dick Morris Would Like You To Know Some Things

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Dick Morris is impressive not because he incarnates everything disgusting and amoral about American politics (though he does do that), but because he’s proved once and for all that even a common slug can have a successful career in human political consulting. Even more impressive: he’s written tons of books, including his new call-to-arms, Revolt! How to Defeat Obama and Repeal His Socialist Programs: A Patriot’s Guide, co-written with his wife Eileen McGann (who apparently stuck around). It’s full of useful advice for the GOP, and you know what that means: toe-sucks galore!

It never ceases to amaze your reviewer how people manage to keep these policy proposal books going over the space of hundreds of pages. Most of them (Newt Gingrich is a master of the genre) secretly yearn to be bullet point presentations. Dick’s book could have gotten all of his points across in about 15 pages of bullet points, instead of the ten billion pages (we think; we’ll confirm the page number later) it takes to get through this beastly thing.

Dick wants the American people to oust popularly-elected socialist Baron Barack von Obama in 2012. He also wants you to know all about his Important Thoughts About Everything.

Dick on sexism:

Nobody has been as universally—or as unfairly—savaged by the mainstream media as Sarah Palin. Her baptism of fire stands as the greatest example of sexist bias in the history of modern so-called journalism.

Nevertheless, Dick isn’t sure that Sarah Palin is the woman to save the nation in 2012:

Palin did herself no favors when she abruptly resigned as governor of Alaska. She looked like a quitter. And she never adequately explained her decision.

He’s not sure about Mike Huckabee either, even though “a better, kinder, nice man never walked the earth” and Huckabee’s “entire record of courageous leadership is totally overlooked by the secular, anticlerical, leftist media.”

Just who is Dick’s choice to topple Obama and restore our national dignity? As he writes, in an abrupt and distressing shift to the third person, “Newt is Dick’s personal favorite.”

What else can a reader pull out of this bag of Dick?

Dick on the regal Sean Hannity:

Unlike a lot of on-air commentators, Sean doesn’t need to examine talking points or feeds from the national party to know where true conservatism points. He just looks within himself. His own values system is so attuned to the political compass of our time that he doesn’t need to reason out his position. It springs from within him…

He did not compromise or equivocate in the face of the national lurch to the left in 2008. From the moment the ballots were counted, he called himself the leader of “the conservative opposition in exile” and, like the fallen monarch of a nation the Nazis had overrun, waited patiently until the moment for his return arrived.

People will actually pay money for this book.

Revolt! How to Defeat Obama and Repeal His Socialist Programs: A Patriot’s Guide by Dick Morris and Eileen McGann, Broadside Books, 352 pages, $14.20

Thanks to Wonkette operative “Itz Mei”

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111 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Step 1: Hire hooker and lick her feet.
    Step 2: Incite Sedition by writing shitty book that claims it does not
    Step 3: Get money for more feet sessions
    The End

    1. Cicada

      Of course there's always plan B:
      Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
      Step 2: Put your foot in the box.
      Step 3: Make her open the box.
      Step 4: Explain how toe-sucking is the last bastion of free expression in NObama's Socialist America.
      Step 5: Profit!!!!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I never really got that toe-sucking thing. As a Republican, you'd think he'd want to lick fewer toes and dick more ass.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      Rex Ryan has offered to take Dick Morris off our hands & make him the Jets assistant head coach.

  2. Barbara_i

    Hey Dick, why do you feel the need to defend Sarah Palin? I've seen the woman unhinge her jaws to be able to swallow her prey whole. She doesn't need you to help.

  3. SorosBot

    Palin didn't "look like" a quitter, Dick; she quit, meaning she IS a quitter. What's next, Mike Huckabee "looked like" a morbidly obese fundamentalist? Catholic priests "look like" pedophiles? Jeffrey Dahmer "looked like" a serial-killing cannibal?

    1. widestanceroman

      No, no, no. WALNUTS set us straight on this quitting smear; "she didn't quit, she just changed priorities."

  4. harry_palmer

    The book he really wants to write: Revolting! How De Feet of Obama Appeal to Fetishist Golems: A Pay-for Sex Guy's Guide by More of a Dick.

  5. Weenus299

    "secular, anticlerical, leftist media."

    I don't know, I'm a Christian, love-the-religion fourth-estater who thinks Hucky may be a nice guy, but his ideas on governing and on presiding over a fucked-up nation happen to be pocked with God-Jesus hokum bullshit to get voters attention.

    The other observations from the Troll of Toesuck I blythely ignore.

  6. metamarcisf

    People will not actually pay money for this book. People will be given this book when they subscribe to enhanced websites linked to tripe like Townhall and American Spectator. The book will end up as a NY Times bestseller which will be used to sell the next book in this endless shit-fest of right wing fecality.

  7. DonnyKerabotsos

    Ugh!

    If Sean Hannity knows what's good for him, he'll keep his shoes laced up very, very tightly.

  8. widestanceroman

    Does this mean Palin can focus on becoming that drunk spectacle of a thing no one wants to be photographed with now? I hate seeing her held back from her density in life.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Even if she were a dude, Sarah Palin would still be a stupid cunt. So is Dick Morris.

  10. deanbooth

    If I were endorsing Newt, I'd go to third person, too.

    Compare: "My name is Dean Booth, and Dean Booth is an alcoholic."

  11. x111e7thst

    Dick morris sounds like an obscure and nasty food item from Knifecrime Island. Kind of like haggis or spotted dick.

  12. OneYieldRegular

    Jesus is *not* going to be happy about being relegated to second place in the Best Kindest Nice Person to Ever Walk the Earth category behind Mike Huckabee.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    Nobody has been as universally—or as unfairly—savaged by the mainstream media as Sarah Palin. Her baptism of fire stands as the greatest example of sexist bias in the history of modern so-called journalism.

    I agree. The way the Press treats her like what $arah says is important (or even has any meaning) and glosses over her glaring character flaws is nothing short of sexist.

  14. JustPixelz

    REVOLT!

    I'm disconcerted (and unsurprised) by the right's willingness to throw around seditious language like "revolt" as the path to getting the public policies they want. "Second Amendment remedies", "don't retreat, reload", sniper-scope targets on maps, "who's going to shoot Obama?".

    Hey DIcky! Be careful what you wish for. If you think taxes are high, wait'll you see what your revolution costs.

    We have elections, not barricades in this country. The Founders didn't want another revolution, so they made two year House terms.

    1. SorosBot

      Well at least he didn't do anything else irresponsible like compare losing an election to being conquered by Nazis , and implicitly comparing Obama to Hitler, or anything.

      Oh, wait…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I have been in you, baby
      And you
      Have been in me
      And we
      Have be
      So intimately
      Entwined
      And it sure was fine

  15. prommie

    Whorey whoring whore, isn't he? This is a semi-intelligent man, he is educated, he understands politcs and government, this is no pigfucking dirt-ignorant teabagger, no fucking dumbass shit for brains like Palin. Oh yes, he is the slimiest of all toe-sucking slugs, but he's not a retard, by which I mean, he is not a teabagger, he is a grown-up person who knows that Obama has no "socialist" agenda. Yet here he writes this book in which he adopts every meaningless canting meme of the teabaggers, in which he blows every dog-whistle (and dogs, too, probably), in which he waves the Gadsen Flag and screams "The President is Near," and screetches about socializms and precious liberties like a common Palin, and you know, you just know, that he knows better. Its the most brazenly cynical effort to cash in by just shouting back at the retards what they want to hear, even though he knows its bullshit.

    Charlie Sheen's whores are a more honest and honorable group of people than this fucking lispy whiney toe-sucking whoremongering whore.

    I want to start a band called "Charlie Sheen's Whores," can anyone play or sing?

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I play a basic bass. But I refuse to be one of Charlie's Whores. I would, however, be one of Charlie's Whores whores (not the porn star one, but the other one, preferably. She seems nice.)

    2. mereoblivion

      "can anyone play or sing?" Does it matter?

      Charlie Sheen is a more honest and honorable group of people than this fucking lispy and so forth . . .

    3. jodyleek

      Yeah, I sang with small-time bands in and around Minneapolis for seven years. And, I'm a chick. So, when do we start rehearsing?

  16. SorosBot

    It's a bit ironic for a man who went from working for Bill Clinton to being a corporatist economic conservative to a full-on, fundamentalist-supporting teabagger to praise Hannity for refusing to shift with the political winds.

    1. Rotundo_

      A windsock of a man. Puffed up on the air currents of the day, flapping around and full of nothing. If I could figure out a way to tie in toesucking whores into the mix, I'd have a nice description of Dickless Morris. I just can't think of a way to segue from windsock to toesucking whore officianado. I feel strangely defeated, soleless and callus.

  17. TanzbodenKoenig

    If you read that part about Sean Hannity closely, you can almost hear him fapping while he writes it

  18. Come here a minute

    Huckabee did himself no favors when he abruptly stopped being a fat pig as governor of Arkansas. He looked like a quitter.

  19. mavenmaven

    …like the fallen monarch of a nation the Nazis had overrun, waited patiently until the moment for his return arrived…

    Yes, Newt is our Nicolae Ceauşescu.

    1. mereoblivion

      Without the cool 50's hair. But does this mean he'll find himself at the wrong end of a firing squad some blessed Christmas morning?

  20. JustPixelz

    "[Sarah Palin's] baptism of fire stands as the greatest example of sexist bias in the history of modern so-called journalism."

    The greatest. Really? How about this gem from the 2008 campaign:

    Morris diagnosed Clinton’s tears as genuine. “That is a breakdown,” Morris told Hannity. “You have to understand the sense of arrogant entitlement that she brought into this race… When that sense of entitlement breaks down, the emotions just come flooding out of her.”

    (Note to Dick Morris: Sarah Palin™ is not going to blow you. You still have to pay someone else for that.)

  21. DaSandman

    I refuse to take political commentary from a reptile who can demonstrate his mad perv skillz by unhinging his jaw like a python and sucking the whole foot.

    While Calista Gingrich does his ass with the business end of a fire hose. Which is how she met Lil' Newt. And makes 5k a gig on the Repug house party circuit.

  22. LouBristol

    I thought the greatest example of sexist bias in the history of modern so-called journalism was John "the metro" Kerry.

  23. PsycWench

    Most of them (Newt Gingrich is a master of the genre) secretly yearn to be bullet point presentations.
    Most of them originated as Power Point presentations. Copy, paste, insert excess verbiage and some questionable anecdotes, a little name-dropping and -> book.
    It's not like the teabaggers are going to pay for a Power Point presentation, you know.

  24. BornInATrailer

    Who will read this? Is it possible those robo-people that troll forums handled by some persona management software have gained sentience and they are the target audience?

    What are you doing with my Freedumbs, Dave?

    1. Rotundo_

      Not a soul will read this turd seriously: Most copies will end up on 'bagger bookshelves as some sort of half-assed attempt to pass for literate and well read muricans patriots. Then they will end up in the dime a bag book sale at their rummage sales along with the Billy Basses and platinum edition trucknutz.

  25. Terry

    Old Dick Morris' political associations do seem to drift on the wind, following along with whomever or whatever is currently hot.

  26. Chillwaver

    "Revolt! How to Defeat Obama and Repeal His Socialist Programs: A Parrot's Guide."

    There, fixed. Btw, that's one long ass title…I bet he has small feet and drives a Hummer….

  27. The_Great_Gazoo

    Dick Morris's mouth fungus broke through the blood-brain barrier a long, long time ago.

    1. prommie

      Gazoo, the original "shark-jump," haha. Are you telling us that there is a downside to toe-sucking?

  28. neiltheblaze

    Every time Dick Morris sucks the big toe of a hooker, he's leaving some little boy's penis alone.

  29. philpjfry

    Just when you think there is a limit to what jackoffs like this will do for money. I guess if you are a conservative it is easy to swallow (pun intended) your self respect and shill any old piece of shit for money. Now it is time for a few martinis.

  30. undeterredbyreality

    Dick's history, like his analysis, is a bit suspect. Which monarch was it that returned to rule Germany after Hitler was defeated? And how'd that work out for him?

    It looks like Hannity's gonna be waiting a long time for his moment to return to arrive.

    Newt=lizard.
    Dick=dick.
    Also.

    1. Pithaughn

      It was a clever way to work "nazi" into the storyline though. Never hurts to accuse the President of the United States of America of being a Nazi if you are trying to keep the wool pulled over your mark's eyes.

  31. donner_froh

    Huckabee’s “entire record of courageous leadership is totally overlooked by the secular, anticlerical, leftist media.”

    Anti-clerical: so huck is either a worker who types, files and keeps adds stuff up or he is a member of the clergy. Fuckface Morris doesn't know the difference between anti-clerical and anti-religious. Total idiot.

    There are other words with which Morris isn't familiar like loyalty, reticence and good taste but we already knew that.

  32. DaRooster

    "Sean Hannity is SO CUTE and I hope he calls me back… is there something on my nose?"

    You are a Dick, Morris!

  33. JoshuaNorton

    Newt, I think you’re cute.
    Former speaker of that house of ill repute.

    In my personal Oz, you are my wizard.
    Your ma took one look and named you after a lizard.

  34. PhilippePetain

    Chapter 27: Now Let Me List the Least Kindest Mean Persons

    Conservative writing outline:
    The Good People
    The Bad People
    Kill

  35. notreelyhelping

    Dick Morris courageously continues to remain as relevant and up-to-date as a Commodore 64.

  36. Limeylizzie

    I would like Dick Morris to know some things about Limeyizzie, she has rather attractive feet and was once offered money by a passing pedestrian if he coud suck aforementoned feet and he would pay her money, Limeylizzie will never let Dick Morris anyway near her feet.

  37. Slim_Pickins

    Why is the book sooo long? Does the phrase "If you can't convince them, confuse them," help?

  38. mumbly_joe

    Wait, so Katie Couric was being sexist, for acting like Sarah Palin was an adult human in politics, and asking her questions appropriate for the position in government she was seeking, rather than softballing her because she's a woman? I suddenly stand corrected, about all of feminism, and by Dick Morris of all people, who is totally not hate-fixated on Hillary Clinton, by any stretch of the imagination.

    (Condi vs. Hillary is great, because it proves that he "gets women" in that his thesis that only a black woman could beat Hillary, who is herself a woman, but white. Tokenism isn't a form of sexism, right?).

  39. ttommyunger

    Again, the Koch Brothers will be a couple of million lighter after forking it over for several boxcars full of Morris' latest printed bowel movement so that it may sit on the best seller list somewhere, so; he's got that going for him, which is nice. On the other hand, I'm afraid Wonkette will be hearing from Mr. Sluggo Slugg's attorneys. I am no Slug lover, but the comparison of Dick Morris to a Slug is an affront to slimy, disgusting slugs everywhere and cannot stand. I personally have known several slugs in my lifetime and would frankly prefer to kiss each and every one on the mandible rather than shake hands with the aforementioned "Dick".

  40. Tundra Grifter

    Wonkette shouldn’t make fun of an author with the established track record of Dick Morris.

    In "2010; Take Back America he documented how Barack Obama could be defeated.

    In "Condi vs. Hillary, The Next Great Presidential Race" he predicted who would run in 2008.

    In "Vote.com; How Big-Money Lobbyists and the Media Are Losing Their Influence, and the Internet Is Giving Power Back to the People" – well, that title speaks for itself.

    Except it didn’t quite prove out, so Dick wrote "How Obama, Congress, and the Special Interests are Transforming…A Slump into a Crash, Freedom into Socialism, and a Disaster into a CATASTROPHE."

    Wonkette dares to mock an author who wrote those books!

    By the way, the entire set can be purchased in hardcover on Amazon for less than five bucks.

    1. SorosBot

      How can you change "freedom into socialism" when they are compatible ideas covering two separate government concerns; one social, the other economic? Next: how the Obama turned arithmetic into grammar.

  41. Mahousu

    “a better, kinder, nicer man [than Mike Huckabee] never walked the earth”

    Headline: Mike Huckabee "better than Jesus," claims Dick Morris

  42. MinAgain

    She looked like a quitter.

    Because she is a quitter. And that hedge right there exemplifies what is wrong with everything that Dick Morris' says.

  43. Dudleydidwrong

    "He just looks within himself." When his head is firmly and far up his ass, what else could he see?

  44. mumbly_joe

    when a woman wants to be President, she shouldn't complain based on gender. I'm going to go home because the big boys are picking on me. What happens when the boys in the Middle East or the boys who run Russia or the boys who run China start picking on you? Are we going to have a President of the United States saying the boys are picking on me? This is what [she] always does. Whenever she gets under fire, she retreats behind the apron strings.

    -Dick Morris, talking about someone not named Sarah Palin.

  45. MadBrahms

    As a proud member of the UC-Santa Cruz community, I take offense at your characterization of Morris as a "slug". Slugs are beautiful, kind creatures. Morris is more like of an earwig, I think. Nobody likes earwigs.

  46. BarackMyWorld

    His own values system is so attuned to the political compass of our time that he doesn’t need to reason out his position.

    I've honestly never actually seen anyone seriously try to rationalize someone not using their brain before.

  47. CUNextTuesday

    "he doesn’t need to reason out his position. It springs from within him…"

    Like vomit. Or intestinal gas.

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