the special people

BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public

God hates Trigs.Today, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to protest soldiers’ funerals, because we have this principle in America called “free speech.” Or rather it would have been unanimous, if the Court didn’t have remarkable civil-liberties troll Samuel Alito sitting on it. In Alito’s dissent, he said the protest amounted to “fighting words.” We have no idea how that differs from “fightin’ words” as in “them’s fightin’ words,” which we always thought were legal, albeit not too bright for a fella like yous, but we assume it’s a meaningless term Sam Alito just made up so he could give the government more power over speech. Anyway, the important takeaway is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates Soldiers” in public, but private citizen Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all.

We the Sarah.
Who is this “we” she’s talking about? All her Twitter accounts? Sarah Palin invokes God every five seconds she’s in the public. She can say anything about God she wants to, and she does. But she gets jealous when she hears other people talking about the god that loves her the most of all. God doesn’t hate gays. He hates people who don’t like Sarah Palin. [NYT/Twitter]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. weejee

      Aren't they kinda like a carpenter's square? But instead of checking to see if yer sticks are set right, you use the public square to true out the grifter.

    2. MrsBiggTime

      Bristol had more of a public triangle, and when Levi saw it he said "Oh My GOD!" so does that count?

    3. V572625694

      She means the mall, which of course isn't public at all. And by "invoking God's name" she's really dog-whistling "crucify muslins."

  1. GunTotingProgressive

    So, the whole "under God," "so help me God," "In God We Trust" thing is illegal?

    1. SorosBot

      There's a little thing called the First Amendment the government is kind of violating there.

  2. Gratuitous World

    as long as she makes this about herself my world isn't turned upside down.

    In related news, SCOTUS unanimously upheld Sarah's 'persecution complex' in the landmark case Palins v. Earth.

  3. Beowoof

    You know some one needs to keep her from twating, every time she does it, she sounds stoned or retarded or both.

  4. greengeekgirl

    So, clearly, Palin doesn't want anybody but her and people she approves of to be able to invoke God's name, at the time and place she deems appropriate. Fitting.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    She might not feel like she can say "god" but she doesn't seem to be restricted from using the other million words in the English language…repeatedly and very badly.

    1. GuyClinch

      HAHAHA. Thanks Barb, I now have almond fragments stuck in BOTH nostrils. Gonna have to do some spelunking to get those out.

  6. mereoblivion

    My oldies station just announced they can't play "God Only Knows" because Fred Phelps told them that God hates the Beach Boys.

  7. OkieDokieDog

    So does this mean that Alito is one of dem dere act-e-vist judges that Sarah and God hate?

    1. Negropolis

      It always makes me think of the Superman ice cream as had as a small child in Detroit. Mmmm…ice cream….

  8. Zombie_Reagan

    It's just Sarah Palin that can't say "God's name in [the] public square."

    LouSarah is not affected by this ruling.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Now every time a Phelps freak whinges,
      another counterprotest-angel will get fitted w/ megawings

    2. bumfug

      Then they could use the case against Wisconsin protesters and anybody else they want to fuck with. Precedent is a bitch.

  9. nounverb911

    The time has come for some good old fashioned wrath of God from Jeebus in the form of a localized earthquake and an F5 tornado. Better duck and cover Topeka.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    You logged onto the Facebook
    Like you were walking into the White House
    Your fake glasses are perched below your nose
    Your scarf it was apricot
    You had one eye in the mirror
    As you watched yourself gavotte
    And all the girls dreamed that you'd be their preznit
    You'd be their preznit, and

    You're so vain
    You probably think this case is about you
    You're so vain
    I'll bet you think this case is about you
    Don't you? Don't you?

    1. Gunner Asch

      And Wonkette educates this rube once again. All these years I assumed she was saying "cavort". Of course, when my daughter and wife said something about Sex and the City I thought they were talking about Sesame Street. Too much time behind an M-60.

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    Does Fred Phelps really have to draw those stick figures with hott bubble butts on his hate signs? Kind of just draws your eye right to it, amirite?

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      My eye was first drawn to the fanny pack and couldn't really move on from there.

    2. Cicada

      Fred Phelps clearly wants to bite into that hott muscular man-ass like a ripe summer peach.

  12. JoshuaNorton

    we can't invoke God's name in public square

    Hey there, Miz Sarah. You might want to take a gander at Matthew 6:6 next time you're thumbing through the bible. If you don't like it, take it up with the original author.

    1. chickensmack

      She has the freedom of expression, so she's going to express all over your repressive ass!

  13. 4TheTurnstiles

    Hi Sarah,

    No one gives a shit about your cult. Jesus said not to make a show of our godliness so quit praying for attention in public, thou hypocrite. And since you can afford health care, do something about that beam in your eye…


  14. SorosBot

    Funny that Sarah condemns the Phelps' for picketing soldier's funerals but not the funerals of gay people.

  15. metamarcisf

    Who do I have to fuck to get Sarah Palin's name off the internet, the TV, the papers, the radio, the tweeter, forever? And ever. Amen.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Let's hope her star is (finally!) fading.

      (But of course, this means desperation for the ol' attention-whore.)

      1. chickensmack

        I bet — at first — he thought he was the shit. I mean, beauty queen! traveled the countryside! college graduate! television personality! and the "I'm fucking one hot ass woman" which is so desperately important at one time.

        Don't you know that deep down inside, he really hates living in this crazy bitch's shadow?

  16. the_problem_child

    You know, $arah is an expert on first amendment issues. We know this because she disagrees with Scalia, Roberts, Thomas and Kennedy, but agrees with Alito, the true expert on first amendment rights for corporations.

    Wait, what?

  17. EdFlintstone

    Well Sarah, god got 'palinized' and trademarked his/her name so you'll have to cough up some coin to use it.

  18. Redhead

    Okay repulitard morans – "fighting words" may be used later by the police in trying to sort who gets charged for what after the actual assault started by those "fighting words," but they are legal. Just as saying "God" is legal as long as A – you're not an elected official or B – you're an elected official but you're using it in some capacity other than "My God is the only right God and all others are wrong and I'm going to put you in jail if you don't pray with me to my God."

    Sarah, you are not an elected politician or a government employee and do not in any manner represent the US government in any way, shape or form, so there is no chance that any sentence you utter could somehow violate the separation of church and state or equate establishing an official national religion. You're in the clear. PS -Be sure and tell Lou and all your other personalities.

  19. petehammer

    I don't want to be "that guy" but "fighting words" is a legitimate legal term for speech not protected by the 1st Amendment. While it sounds dumb, it is a kind of term of art.

    1. SeanMEnright

      Thanks for being that guy so I didn't have to. It's from Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire.

    2. Ruhe

      While I thank you for the clarification sir your wonky use of the wonkish phrase "term of art" is itself fightin' words.

      1. Cicada

        To be fair, this is Wonkette not…er…Colloquiallete.

        Man, that sounded so great in my head.

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      I'm waiting for the Ohio legislature to subpoena some semen. That's the next logical step, after all.

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        Chris Lee was probably just "subpoenaing some semen" from those trannys is all. Why is Gawker trying to destroy congressional hearings on abortion?

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    Fighting words

    Nope. Nothing too vague or legally ambiguous about that terminology, Sammy.

    1. SeanMEnright

      It's actually language from a First Amendment supreme court case. Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire. Not that his application is correct.

    2. ttommyunger

      Actually those two words are firmly ensconced in the Georgia Statutes and do justify physical attack from the intnded recipient of said "Fighting Words". I hear Banjo Music, do you?

  21. Mumbletypeg

    Please, Sarah. The Court's ruling on free speech has as much to do w/ your Godbabble as Jake & Elwood's mission had to do with God.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Hey, elitist – don't think you can fool Sarah Palin with all your fancy legalese subtleties.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    You know it's a bad day for conservatives when their sharpest minds can't even find a way around the first amendment.
    Oh, and Sarah — you can invoke God in public — you just (and this is more of a limitation than a prohibition) can't do it without sounding like a sanctimonious idiot.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      you can invoke God in public — you just (and this is more of a limitation than a prohibition) can't do it without sounding like a sanctimonious idiot.

      I need to use that for my email sig file!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Go to town — the more I'm quoted, the more likely my hadith will be taken seriously. But I've said too much already.

  23. el_donaldo

    Palin says she can't say God in the public square.

    But Bristol says, "Oh God oh God oh God yes right there."

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Really? I would think Brissie is more of a vacuously stare at the ceiling while chomping her wad of gum type of gal, maybe mumbling ohgodohgodwhatevs.

  24. fuflans

    why is that dude on the left checking out his own butt under the picture of gay gay sex next to the poster suggesting you 'love thy neighbor'?

    i'm getting very mixed messages here.

  25. Barbara_i

    I can't get drunk enough to get into the mind of Sarah Palin. That, and it's pretty crowded in there with all of the voices in her head. I "think" she is talking about how her ilk want to carve the ten commandments on federal buildings, etc. and people balk about it.

    1. nounverb911

      She should start by tattooing the 10 commandments on her forehead (backwards so she can see them in the mirror).

      1. Barbara_i

        You know what I am talking about, right? There are people who don't like the little manger scenes that are put up in public and blah, blah, blah. I think she's miffed about this.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          There's plenty of that in the front yards in all the subdivisions. Well, not the Jewish subdivisions.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      I'm guessing you can't get stupid enough to get into that dunce's mind either.

    3. SorosBot

      The fundies often like to claim they're discriminated against when they're prevented from ramming their religion down everyone's throats; look how they characterize the ban on forced prayer in public schools as a ban on praying in public school.

    4. V572625694

      Just because you haven't drunk enough to get there doesn't mean you should give up. I know I haven't.

      But my guess would be she's talking about oh-so-tasteful nativity scenes on the lawn at City Hall.

      1. Barbara_i

        I just hauled some ice and some oats sodas up to the loft, thanks for the reminder. I want to apologize in advance if I drunk dial you tonight. I just wanted to be able to tell you that I "love you man, you made something of yourself!"

          1. V572625694

            You've got a comment up there ("special needs mom") with 91 upfists as of 2:37 PM Pacifc. I'm in awe.

          2. Barbara_i

            The dark whorey underworld of nighttime will come soon and the trolls will fix that, trust me.

  26. JustPixelz

    I guess Sarah Palin™ is having a little trouble understanding the "plain language of the Constitution" her TP'ers love so much.

    Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

    The government is restricted*, not the people. Why is that distinction so difficult for so many TP'ers?
    * does not apply to muslins in Tennessee

    1. el_donaldo

      And just maybe that lack of distinction might help explain her belief that constitutionally protected free speech means that nobody should be allowed to criticize her.

  27. refudiatedness

    I am disappointed that Alito made such an obvious grammatical error in a SCOUTS brief. The actual phrase is "Demz fightin' words". Alito's version fails to close the anaphora.

  28. OneYieldRegular

    Obviously the solution is to stop these godless activist Justices like Scalia and Thomas.

  29. Snarke_Diem

    In Lou Sarah's world, she alone decides what the First Amendment means. The Supreme Court = Satan's Court.

    1. V572625694

      Hope they also outlaw April Fool pranks, hand buzzers and holding two fingers up behind someone else's head in a group photo.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        They'll take away my Whoopee Cushion when they pry it from my cold dead fingers. Or pull my finger.

      2. ChessieNefercat

        There goes the back page of the comics I grew up with (do they still feature sea monkeys, fake dog poo, and x-ray glasses)?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Bob & Brian don't know where to come down on this. On the one-hand, they're toadies of the Ayn Rand Right — particularly Nelson, that lumpen shit-sack — but on the other, they think Steve Czaban is hilarious.

    2. Beowoof

      Just the type who wouldn't like Crank Yankers on Comedy Central. See too much of themselves in Special Ed.

    3. DashboardBuddha

      [ring ring]


      Hi…is your refrigerator running?

      Um, yes.

      That's great because we all know that global warming is a hoax so turn that sucker up!

  30. seppdecker

    Yes Sarah, Jesus knows that the President (the guy who kicked your ass) never mentions "God" in public, or uses phrases like "God Bless America" which have become part of the culture, even if most people hate you crazy, witch-burning, anti-masturbation, gay-persecuting, cross-lovin' cult.

    BTW, them's fightin' words.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Ooh, you said jeeezus. Are you in a public square?

      By the way, I agree with every word of your post.

  31. widestanceroman

    You know, since protesting at a funeral is now a freedom, ol' Fred is getting on in years and I do hope the girls TURN. IT. OUT. for the occasion.

    Gawd Hates Tawd, too, also.

  32. Weenus299

    OK hear me out:

    What if Truck died while serving in Iraq? And the Phelpsers go hauling up to Alaska to "God Hates Fags" all over his service?

    Could both parties cancel each other out, with shotguns and molotov cocktails?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Hopefully, Jesus would just rapture all their asses straight to hell. They could duke it out for all eternity. Jackasses, every last one of them.

    2. LakeAfflicted

      I think that the Phelps family and the Palin family would realize that, though they may have their differences of opinion, they showed up at that funeral for the same reason: the cameras.

  33. Gopherit

    If anyone is an expert on hate speech combined with xtian values/words it's Sarah. Don't worry, Sarah…..even the ACLU will let you spread Jesus-libel, just don't do it on our dime. Derp.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      No, no, no, she doesn't believe God hates soldiers. Judging by her stupid squawk about DOMA, she's fine with God hating fags. See, she's all about nuance, you betcha!

  34. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm thinking that Fox News or Tucker Carlson needs to unleash one of their stars to track down these people who are hovering around The Quiting Governor and preventing her from mentioning God.

    Of course, it will probably just turn out that Todd likes to place a ball gag on her when they have sex.

    1. genxr

      It's a special shock collar produced by Secular Socialist Collective Industries, LLC. One mention of religion and ZAP!

  35. inapewetrust

    she makes a good point though – we need to get back to good old-fashioned common sense america, where people were free to talk openly about how they rely on a huge invisible ghost to solve all their problems. nowadays, if a person speaks such basic truths, they will have their civil rights trampled on by "jokes" and "not being taken seriously".

  36. personman2

    The god that Palin is always yammering about said that gay people should be given the death penalty (Leviticus 20:13). The church that she calls wacko is just protesting, which is pretty mild compared to what the Bible actually says.

  37. JoeBiteme

    The lack of self-awareness and inability to recognize irony (even in it's most obvious forms) displayed by these people has got to be some sort of milestone.
    I mean, surely we're in unchartered territory here, right?

    Anyone? Is this thing on?

  38. MinAgain

    Sarah apparently hasn't attended a state school sporting event in a while, because the designated clergy won't shut up about God at the beginning of the game I've attended.

  39. harry_palmer

    I don't know about the public square, but when Tawd's at the motel banging his hookers, you can hear him yelling God's name all the way out in the parking lot.

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Does LouSarah count? Or any of the other citizens of the United States of Sarah (=real Murka)? (I can never remember, is slutty teen Bristol a real person or just another of Sarah's "personalities"?)

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Not. Sarah's allergic to the mere word "Job." She sees it and thinks "work," something she's not interested in.

  40. user-of-owls

    It's about goddamn time the Court protected the rights of deranged extended families to use funerals as a vehicle for teaching basic principles of geometry.

    I submit to the Court as Exhibit One the photo of a sign held by the educators that is labeled "El Casin." The obvious illustration of primary geometric shapes such as isosceles, rhombuses and 'doggy-style' clearly indicates plaintiff's underlying intent.

    1. V572625694

      Acceptable beliefs:

      (1) Communion wafers and wine literally become the flesh and blood of Jebus.
      (2) It's okay to sexually torture little boys because, hey, everybody else is doing it and it didn't happen all that often and the Pope didn't know about it and we'll go broke if we have to settle all these lawsuits.

      Unacceptable belief: Gratuitous war is an abomination that punishes those who carry it out, even innocently.

  41. chickensmack

    What's she bitching about? A church has the freedom to say what they want.

    If she wants to debate the value of what they're saying, then she should also be prepared to debate this whole zombie Jesus / invisible friend / Creationism thing. And I bet she'll think her side's opinion is immutable.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Or she would if she had ever in her uneducated, unread life heard the word immutable. I'm sure she would think it means "can't be muted." In her case, sadly true.

      1. chickensmack

        You're goddamn right. It's only been 607 days since she announced quitting government work, and 848 days since we told her ignorant ass "You can't have veep, either."

  42. BaldarTFlagass

    I've been around the world several times in my half-century on the planet, but I've never seen a square one. Triangles aplenty, and some amorphous blobs, and some shorn to a squeaky clean, but never a square. Must be more rare than a four leaf clover.

  43. spinozasgod

    I believe those "fine" Americans of the Westboro Baptist Church are using the word "god" quite a bit on their "freedumb of speech" signs that they proudly carry in the "public square" .

  44. GOPCrusher

    God remembered to sign the paperwork when he/she sent it in to trademark his/her name, you stupid box.
    But seriously, isn't Bible Spice afraid of alienating her "base" by calling the Westboro Baptists a "wacko" church?

  45. donner_froh

    Wonkette can be a harsh mistress. If I never read the words Sarah Palin again it would be fine. However Wonkette, in her/their/his wisdom has decreed that this blot upon the nation's must be held accountable for her constant disgusting misuses of language, attacks on basic American rights and general mopery.

    And without the collective political wisdom of Wonkette and its commentators there would be no path through the fearsome forest of political life, 2011. So I have Wonkette in my twitter twatter and whenever that pixie-eyed young thing shows up I clickity click to see what new outrages have been committed. Putting up with the Palin brood is worth the otherwise delightful views of the Wonkette empire.

    Metaphors by Mix-Master.

  46. elfgoldsackring

    I bet Wasilla has a beautiful public square. I'm picturing a piazza of impeccable Palladian proportions, surrounded by ancient, honey-colored, shuttered buildings, with elegant locals strolling through in the balmy early evening air, or stopping for an aperitivo in one of the vine-dappled cafes. And some hideous dishevelled twunt off to the side, screeching about gawd and ripping her clothes, as people benignly smile.

    1. zhubajie

      One day, in Oxford, Ohio, I walked to the liquor store, bought a quart of black rum and walked home, brown paper sack under my arm. As I approached the square at the center of town, I heard noise, and I walked through, I saw a choir, and a preacher, preaching away. He seemed pretty excited. I went on home. Later, I was told the preacher had gotten real excited when he'd seen this sinner walk by with a liquor bottle under his arm!

    2. Negropolis

      Wasilia has a shoulderless, walkless highway lined with parking lots with buildings incoincidentally behind them.

  47. glamourdammerung

    Palin is clearly referring to that time she said "god" in the public square and the government death panel came and executed her.


  48. mavenmaven

    wacko "church"
    Its wacko primarily because as opposed to proper churches, it doesn't believe that Alaska is the holy ground that will be spared after Armageddon when all the rest of the world is damned to eternal hellfire. Other than that, there's no difference between her church and theirs on points of theology.

    1. LakeAfflicted

      Other than the disagreement about whether God ought to be thanked for providing dead soldiers, there's really quite a lot of common ground there in general.

  49. Slim_Pickins

    She's just afraid of a lightning strike if she invokes god's name in public. There is a simple avoidance procedure — just holdup a one iron. As Lee Trevino once remarked, "not even god can hit a one iron."

  50. Beowoof

    Didn't Sarah have a whacko Pastor come her church? I do believe he was from Africa and didn't like the gays too much either. I guess that's different Sarah, liked him.

  51. Gleem_McShineys

    Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public

    I'm assuming this someone is from her team, yes? Trying to keep her stupid malformed retarded words from angering the gods and inciting a hail of lightning bolts, locust storms, or an angel blowing a horn to knock her privacy fence down?

  52. ttommyunger

    I've got to tell 'ya. It's getting so bad I don't even want to fuck her now, not even a little bit. Not even if she promised not to speak.

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      welcome to the dark side tt…she's always seemed to me as being that "talkative" cashier at Safeway. Polyester and Aquanet and stretchmarks.

  53. PublicLuxury

    Sarah seems overly distraught. Perhaps it's her coffee? She should be drinking Sanka Brand decaffeinated coffee.

      1. PublicLuxury

        Definitely. You are correct. I yield to your superior wisdom on decaffeinated products

  54. AutomaticPilot

    But she did invoke "God" in a public square of sorts – I mean, isn't the Twatter a huge electronic public square? She must not be too afraid of getting arrested.

  55. Pithaughn

    Also. Silly me, my first thought was "effective use of twat limit on # of characters". Then the ghost twat realzation sank in to it there out in my brain having thoughts.

  56. lulzmonger

    Worst case of BS-addiction I've ever seen. Can't even go 140 keystrokes without shovelling more bullshit … a few more years of chasing the Bullshit Dragon & she won't even be able to say her own name or what year it is.

  57. Negropolis

    "God hates, fags."

    See what a comma can do? Just like "No Money Down!" can become "No, Money Down!"

  58. chascates

    I don't know how anyone can go on about how mentioning God (Judeo-Christian, preferably evangelical Protestant) is somehow prohibited from the 'public square'. Palin, Bachmann, Huckabee, and even Gingrich can't shut up about the deity and religion (their's) in general. The cause of all our ills is our supposed 'turning away' from someone the great majority of Americans believe in (at least when asked in a poll) and the solution is to embrace Him according to our self-appointed political saviors. Your mileage may vary depending on creed, current level of anxiety, etc.

    Czechoslovakia is supposed to have the world's largest percentage of atheists, almost 39 percent of the population. For those thinking of moving to an area where there are less believers here is a map of the United States broken down by county:

    Most of Alaska looks headed for brimstone.

    1. Negropolis

      Georgia is surprisingly uninfested, as is West Virginia. My Michigan (at least the Lower Peninsula) is rather empty, too, by comparison, and Southern Ohio blows my mind. I wonder what exactly goes on in Southeastern Ohio/West Virginia/Eastern Kentucky (some of the reddest, most conservative areas east of the Mississippi) where people would indentifiy as not having a religion? I mean, this is the heart of Appalachia. Only as Appalachia delves into its southern region does religious indentification seem to shoot up.

  59. Tundra Grifter

    I guess Duh Gov'Nuh hasn't been listening. Of course the name of God can be mentioned in the public square.

    I'll bet when she gives a speech members of the audience quite often can be heard to exclaim "She said what? Good Lord!"

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