Newt Gingrich’s people wanted everyone to know yesterday that he was definitely about to announce he’s running for president, for realz this time. But then they looked into the paperwork to file an exploratory committee and realized it’s going to be hard to figure out exactly how many money-making schemes he has going these days and exactly how to arrange the documents so nothing too embarrassing comes out about the schemes. (Newt has to be hoping he doesn’t own any Libyan mail-order bride companies and isn’t the sponsor of something called the “Adultery Foundation Awards.” Both are distinct possibilities.) So he will only run for president IF and when these schemes can be carefully assembled into an FEC bento box.
One Republican with knowledge of the situation told Score that Gingrich is likely to confirm his “intention to announce,” but not actually unveil an exploratory committee. ABC reports Gingrich may use the term “explore phase” rather than “exploratory committee” – another way of stopping short of a full-scale announcement. The reason: Untangling the web of business and political groups Gingrich is involved in has proven complicated and he’s not in a position just yet to take a more formal step toward running.
Get it together, sources (zoo animals) close to Newt Gingrich. Newt is going to “confirm” his “intention” to announce? He’s been doing that approximately forever. [Politico via Salon]
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Fox has suspended Newter and Santorum as they are hinting at a 2012 run and will therefore soon have no special correspondents at all.
Nonsense. All of Fox's correspondents are "special".
Dang, beat me to it. Their correspondents arrive on the scene in a short bus. They don't play well with others and say, "Ow, he hit me! He hit me!"
And that's why they have to wear those hockey helmets.
And wet suits too?
So what about Huckabee and Palin?
Gingrich and Santorum were daring to challenge the Palin/Huckabee ticket that Fox has chosen. Shame on Newt and Rick. Where is their Patriotism?
via Politico:
With the suspensions, the network has taken its first big step to address mounting concerns that it could run afoul of campaign finance laws and journalistic ethics by continuing to keep on its payroll people who are maneuvering to run for president. But the suspensions of two contributors also leads to questions about three others on the Fox payroll — Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin and John Bolton — who are also weighing White House bids.
“As soon as each of them shows some serious intention to form an exploratory committee, we would take the same action,” Brandi said of Palin, Bolton and Huckabee.
Oh pleasepleaseplease let them all run…
"the network has taken its first big step to address the mounting concerns that it 'could' run afoul of campaign finance laws and journalistic 'ethics' by continuing to keep on its payroll people who are maneuvering to run for president." Bahahahaha. I can't believe anyone said that with a straight face.
After saying that the Fox spokesperson went home, poured a mason jar of brandy and sat in the corner, weeping.
And, exactly what ethic code over at FOX requires them to stop paying people to agree with them just because they are ready to announce their intentions to explore running for President? Or are running for President? Or are President, for that matter?
Hell, from what I can tell, they pay Sarah Palin tons of money just to show up and agree with Sean Hannity and to have Greta Van Susteren stock her. Where can I get that gig? (All right, I have a conscience, so it would be hard to agree with Sean Hannity, but you get the point).
After all, conservatives don't usually watch Greta Van Susteren unless of course our dear Sarah is on. The closeted ones are too busy secretly watching CNN to oggle Anderson Cooper.
Gingrich must have been eyeing Ailes’ wife.
Or Murdoch's, who's rather hot.
Isn't Wendy the mother of anchor babies?
Has Rupert managed to conceive with Wendy? We'd heard that he couldn't make it "all the way" before falling noisily asleep . . . so do tell!
I'm thinking it would be like they take care of these things with elephants: Stick a electrical probe up his ass and he fires off a load and then they turkey baster the trophy bride. Problem solved through modern zoological methodology. I don't know which job would be worse, probe operator or catcher. It would probably pay pretty well though.
Hopefully Fox suspended their medical benefits too. Better watch out Mrs. Newt.
Newt: "I'm defnintely thinking about announcing, but first I have to clean all the skeletons that you don't know about out of my closet….ought to take two years or so."
Suggest changing alt-text from "Newt's latest mistress" to:
<–Cheetah | Cheater–>
Excellent.
<–Serval | Self-Serving–>
I would have guessed you'd more likely find Newt with a cougar in his lap, but there you have it, a cheetah. Or an ocelot? What is that thing?
<–Big Pussy | Bigger Pussy –>
With all the zoo photo ops, I am starting to believe that he is part salamander.
He's like an unemployed, disgraceful Marlin Perkins. Mutual of I'm-a-ho's Wild Sleazedom.
Nope, just 100% zoophile.
More like a howler monkey.
That is an insult to all lung skinned amphibians every where. You can't compare a space lizard to something that evolved naturally on this planet. Just saying. Also there are more the one species of space lizards those that try to out breed the rest and those that try to get us to destroy ourselves.
"ABC reports Gingrich may use the term “explore phase” rather than “exploratory committee” – another way of stopping short of a full-scale announcement."
If Newt got into this much foreplay in the bedroom, he wouldn't be running through so many wives and divorces.
If Newt got into this much foreplay in the bedroom, he wouldn't be running through so many wives and divorces.
Maybe he's as horrible at it behind closed doors as he is in front of cameras… "Call it whatever you want, Newt, I'm still not feeling it…"
Well, since we're attributing stuff to the Politco's daily win, looks like Fox thinks Newt's a runnin'. Oh, and Santorum:
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0311/50505.h...
Aaaand I'm not the only one to bring this up. Oh well.
Are you sure that Fox didn't suspend Santorum because he ruins every chair he sits in?
the thing is most people try not to imagine the fecal matter on fox if we can help it but yes the Santorum is leaving via the back door.
ftw
I read that as Newt's santorum was running and thought to myself: "TMI, Blogslut! TMI!" Of course I misread it, but it's still gross.
Ah, yet another photo in the "Endangered Animals Newt Gingrich Has Eaten" series.
Of course, it all depends on what the meaning of the words 'is' is.
Can he at least hypothetically confirm the tentative planning for the exploratory committee? Or is that asking too much?
Murdoch finally googled Santorum and found out what he hired.
At least he knows what that stain on his pants is called.
according to newt, this is an impeachable offense.
Newty's such a Koch Tease.
the web of business and political groups
Looks like he has the "illegally imported live animals to be turned into offal" part of it down pretty well.
Newt is the master of suspense
He's baiting us!
Don't you mean suspenders?
Hey being chick banging machine, such as Newt should not preclude him from running. Being a slimy right wing douche bag should disqualify him.
A t-bone to the cat if it sprays Newt.
*spays*
/fixed
And he refuses to campaign in any state other than Florida.
I submitted two definitions of "gingrich" to the Urban Dictionary last week, and am still waiting for them to pass editorial review.
They're such fussy lexicographers!
In other news, the Cane Toad Anti-Defamation League has taken out advertisements in major newspapers across the country in an effort to halt the spread of spurious rumors:
To wit: Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh are not cane toads (also known as the Giant Neotropical Toad or Marine Toad). The Cane Toad is a poisonous amphibian invasive specie; of particular concern is that its toxic skin kills many animals—native predators and otherwise—when ingested.
On the other hand, Rush and Newt are slimy human beings who spread toxic noise.
~
In lieu of flowers at my funferal, please donate to the CTA-DL.
That is one scary looking pussy. And I'm not talking about the stuffed cheetah.
Well, it's not like he has a chance of actually winning, or anything.
So why is he even bothering?
It's a living.
To boost book sales?
In other news, Reese's stock went up.
He wants to announce early to give all the fundies time to get the outrage out of their systems due to the bible verses he's broken, repeatedly, while simultaneously being a standard bearer for Christian family values. By the time Mittens and Huckleberry and Snowbilly point their righteous fingers at him on the debate podium and call for his death by stoning, as prescribed in the scriptures, Newt will be able to relax, safe in the knowledge that the public believes in a forgiving God.
Ahhshit..the fucking alt-text!
Despite his appalling lack of character and general scumminess, Gingrich is easily smarter than the rest of the GOP's presumptive nominees (Palin, Trump, Bachmann, Huckabee, Romney, Santorum, etc) put together. Campaign season is becoming one long commercial for antidepressants.
That Newt Gingrich is a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in ranch dressing and cheese grits.
And Reese's for dessert!
Ocelot a dirt to sweep under the carpet.
But in the end we'll ferret out the truth 'bout all his lion and he'll be shunned as if he were a leopard.
Win of the day!
Booooo!
heh.
Are you serval?
I can't wait to see all the lynx to his ne-feral-ous business dealings.
Ocelot of pussy for one cat to handle.
Best of day.
The fuck is this? Gene Shalit Night at The Wonkette?
Newt's had years to move the bodies of the prostitutes in the Nevada desert and shuffle his money around in the offshore accounts. I think he's as prepared as he will ever be to run.
With the price of trucking these days, prostitute corpses are the most cost effective form of compost we can get out here.
I think the Newt has figured out a way to still cash in on "running" without having to actually run and God Forbid, govern.
He could have just asked Sarah Palin,no need to figure anything out.
He does seem to be following her lead, and perhaps a bit peevishly, annoyed with himself for not having perfected the technique himself.
You don't have to be as careful with the money if you don't win. See The Producers for an example of this principle in action.
It's hard to track down all the former mistresses, and even harder to decide pay off vs. disappear.
These hateful blowhards really need to get out of the conservative brass band media machine every once in a while. Newtie is one of the most universally loathed politicians in Dumberica. Even conservatives hate him.
He's only trying to use the Sarah Palin Method™ of Fleecing the Rubes©. He's realized that you can't actually come right out and run if you want it to work properly.
Until he can get this shit resolved, he will continue posing with zoo animals, talking about dinosaur skulls and tweeting inane conversations he had with his 8th wife, Calypso.
Because that’s real Presidential, y’all.
Newt goes in, Newt goes out…
….and i don't want to know why
And nobody can explain it. Nobody really wants to.
Sometimes an unanswered question hangs heavily in the air, while history itself makes pause. Faint hearts yearn for a champion to step forward and fearlessly prick the despot’s glassy bubble of invulnerable hubris with a rhetorical épee. The very angels of liberty hold their breath.
Then there are the times when you're just listening to the masturbatory ego stroking of a deluded fartsack with a microphone.
A wonkette steps forward to prick the gassy fartsack and the very angels of liberty hold their breath.
Brilliant and brillianter.
In other words, he's not really running for President but once again trying to get attention so he can sell his books despite having been irrelevant since 1998.
He's trying to decide whether he will be running from his wife or for President.
"If I was a lying thieving sonofabitch with ties to quasi-racist groups I want to be able to plausibly deny any connection that some socialist bastard has the nerve to throw in my face as I'm winding up my alternate reality platform speech. Once we have hammered out the language of that universe, which we will all travel to, colonize and begin breeding, I will perhaps, maybe, if you're good and don't ask me too many questions, explore the chance of something approaching what everyone is saying about me."
He'll save America from it's certain cataclysmic destruction when he's damn good 'n ready…and not a moment before!
Newt's voice is the male (minus actual testosterone) equivalent of Palin's screech for me, the reaction is the same. I get the same fight or flight instinct from it, but with Noot, there's the added chagrin of why the hell is he still talking after resigning in disgrace a generation ago?
…"exploratory phase" = does anyone have photos of Newt doing a double fist masturbation session in front a children's playground or "Chuck-E-Cheese"?!?!?!?
I'm thinking a couple of fingers would do the job for Newt. He makes an "OK" sign and goes to town.
…sorry, I was assuming that Newt was of the "African American" persuasion when it came to that "area"!
…and Trolls, where would "Wonkette" be without them?!
Adultery Foundation Awards
Not only am I the founder… I'm also a member!
-Newt.
Perhaps Newt can take all of his "scheme" generated paperwork and process it into a fine slurry which then gets infused with the highest quality Chinese dietary melamine and then this combination is used to form endearing commemorative Newt bento boxes which are then sold to raise campaign funds. So he would be using the raw material of his schemes to create yet another scheme which could aid him in perpetrating his great final scheme.
He needs a big "exploratory instrument." Maybe the "Washington Monument Colonoscopy" would quiet him down.
The sad thing for the GOP is that it just goes down hill from here.
I agree with Manchu. Koch tease. Gnut clearly has not received the Koch support he was expecting as has decided a little more fluffing is required.
Hey Newtie: What if George Bush had formed an exploratory commitee to invade Irag? Would we be the super-power we are today? You think about that, fat boy.
With both Neutron and Huckit waddling towards their certain announcements its not surprising the Southland has been having a little geological rock & roll. That's a fair bit a lard movin' about. Maybe the could get the pride of Bootheel Mo, ultimate mound of sound to join them in suburban Cairo, Illinoize. That would be New Madrid, Moe, and see if together they could get a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.
"Untangling the web of business and political groups Gingrich is involved in has proven complicated." Translation: trying to extort donations from a few more strip clubs by offering them bogus entrepeneurial awards before people start paying attention.
Well when some politcos do some polling they go to guys like Nate Silver. Guys like Newtie go for the cuties when they want some polling.
Ignorance is on the rise. do de doo! That being Snog song "On the Rise"
Gods I am bored.
lulz lulz lulz
Newt is that guy who doesn't realize that the whole neighborhood finds him repulsive and creepy.
Hammer, meet nail-head!
And the cancer. Don't forget the cancer.
To think there's been occassional movements to draft this skidmark to run for President. I know the self awareness commodity amongst wingnuts ran out long ago…but who in their right mind would WANT this loathsome little postule for President? I'm more intested in studying the psychology of his supporters then anything else…should I just chock this up to more gullable authoritarian idiocy?
Newt has to be hoping he doesn’t own any Libyan mail-order bride companies..
Newt: Libyan Mail Order Brides For Men – I'm not only the president, I'm also a client!
In other news, I'm thinking about considering taking a shit later today, if everything lines up right.
WIN
Newt's problem is that, for much of his life, he was the smartest guy in the room. Unfortunately, "the room" was the history faculty lounge at Kennesaw State College, or someplace similar.
And in his Sunday School class at First Baptist Church of Obesity.
santorum running down his legs mistaken for a run for the presidency?
I like Fig Newtons. I used to addicted to the cranberry newtons. Now I'm just back to like the regular fig kind.
The raspberry ones are crack I swear to god.
Is Newt standing next to the missing lynx?
Amazingly, as soon as this picture was snapped, both creatures lifted their legs and licked their asses contemplatively.
Newt: Newt is in.
Callista: Newt is not in. Get off me you fat fuck.
Word is out that Newt is going to go into the exploratory phase. Not actually forming an exploratory committee, but into that phase.
Is this like exploratory surgery? We don't know just how ugly it's going to get, but we know it's nasty enough to have to go in?
Could Ole Newt be a bit more hesitent? He was much more confident when he was telling his wives to hit the bricks…
3/3/2011 Update: Ole Newt announes the launching of…his website! This translates to "Send me your money, Suckers!"
Nobody said pimpin' was easy.
"Hmm … throw my hat in the ring, or get to the safe-house & call my lawyer? Exploratory committee, or plead the Fifth?"
GINGRICH 2012: HE WON ON APPEAL!
So, they are saying that the guy is so potentially financially (i.e. morally and ethically) compromised that even Fox News won't have his fat ass? I think he's gonna need a bigger platform.
Actually, I think the problem is that he has to get his wives in order before he considers such a run.
So, he's being interviewed by the Koch Brothers…er…the Republican Party, right?
BTW, you guys got give him some time. Newts are cold-blooded motherfuckers, and require some time to animate.
Only as white as Barry Hussein, though.
It's a win all around – Wendy catches a break from having him inside of her, which must be something like a near-death experience.
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