parsin'

Journalism Suggests Sheila Jackson Lee Is a Murderer

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Dun dun dunnnn!Today The Daily Caller, for some reason, has a long profile on all the objectionable things Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee has done over the years. It is a lot of things! Why is it that people with power are so commonly awful and so rarely humble? Humanity sucks! But there is evidence Jackson Lee is especially awful: Staffers in other offices say they hear screaming and crying coming from behind Jackson Lee’s closed doors and are afraid to loan her office a knife. Is Sheila Jackson Lee torturing people in her office and eventually murdering them? Probably, according to The Daily Caller!

He laughed. “We would never leave a knife around when the congresswoman was here,” he said. As Stephens put it, “that’s when it all clicked that they are really afraid of her.”

Where does she hide the bodies? Does she eat them?

Not surprisingly, Jackson Lee has one of the highest staff turnover rates in Washington. Over the last ten years, at least 39 staffers have left within one year. Over that time, Lee has employed at least nine chiefs of staff, eight legislative directors, and 18 schedulers or executive assistants, according to records of federal disclosure forms published by the website Legistorm. Nine staffers left within two months, 25 within 6 months.

Wow, she murders ’em pretty quick! Just can’t wait to murder them.

There is some other stuff in here about Jackson Lee showing off her hubris, calling staffers “stupid motherfucker,” taking garlic tablets, and making people wait. But none of it is as good as the murder. We can read between the lines and are glad this “The DC” reporter was able to avoid getting murdered before filing this story.

Former aide Michael McQueery said his experience with other “difficult” bosses on the Hill prepared him for how to handle Jackson Lee. “I’ve worked for two other members. They did the same thing,” he said.

All members of Congress are murderers? [Daily Caller]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Hey, lets not give murderers a bad rep by comparing to them to members of Congress, have some decency Jack.

  • SorosBot

    There's something about the hue and tone of the Daily Tucker article that makes me suspect their coverage of Jackson Lee is colored by some bias that's slipped under its' skin.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Someone is being an uppity Negress (& for once, it isn't Michelle).

    • Cicada

      Are you implying that Tucker Carlson might be using the Daily Caller to push some sort of agenda?!?!?

      That is simply unbelievable! I say good day to you sir!

      Good. Day.

      • SorosBot

        Well of course Tucker has an agenda; I think it's to make the bow tie fashionable again.

        • GOPCrusher

          Did it ever go out of fashion?

  • nounverb911

    "All members of Congress are murderers?"
    Well, if Rand Paul lost a patient, it was the patient's fault for seeing him.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    She seems nice in a Lizzie Borden kind of way.

  • Boredw/Gravity

    She may not be a murderer, but the fact that she holds Barbara Jordan's old seat is a major embarrassment.

    • Terry

      Ain't that the friggin truth.

    • __kth__

      iirc, Lee beat incumbent Craig Washington in the Dem primary, in a race in which she was regarded as the more Establishment-friendly candidate (1994, a pretty dark year for America in general).

    • DaRooster

      John Wilkes Booth

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Makes sense to me. The use of three names instead of just two usually indicates a homicidal maniac. John Wayne Gacy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Henry Lee Lucas, Sheila Jackson Lee.

    • nounverb911

      Ayn Rand Paul

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      Richard Bruce "Dick" Cheney…oh wait, that's 4…he must be even worser

    • user-of-owls

      Oh yeah, smartypants? Then tell me what Hitler's middle name was? Hmmm?

      • BarryOPotter

        Rufus? Reginald? Rupert? Rudyard? Remus? Regulus? Rigel? R…

        • Moonbat

          Wodewick!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He was so bad, they named him twice: Adolf Adolf Hitler.

        • user-of-owls

          The Third!!

        • bumfug

          That's nothing! Sirhan Sirhan's middle name is fucking Sirhan.

      • nounverb911

        Galliano

      • the_onceler

        cohen?

      • GOPCrusher

        Godwin?

      • Negropolis

        Goldblatt?

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Don't forget Barack HUSSEIN Obama. And Sheturnedmeintoa Newt Gingrich

    • OneDollarJuana

      Three names are also used for pretentious authors.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        How about the pretentionous "First Initial-Middle Name-Last Name." I've got a couple buddies that do that; "J. Michael Hoosits" and such. I like to give them shit about how that looks real doooooshy.

    • V572625694

      People who use three names are properly referred to as "trinomials." Many are women who have married, but want to keep their options "open," if you know what I mean.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    c'mon, murder is also illegal in Remulak, a small town in France.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Why does the world need to acknowledge the existence of Tucker Carlson, or his crappy little right-wing pile of shit blog?

    Oh right, the little, bow-tied dickhead-dweeb/frozen food empire heir recently hired Mickey Kaus, world renowned blower of goats.

    Never mind.
    ~

    • Terry

      From wee Tucker's wikipedia page:

      "Tucker Carlson is the elder son of Richard Warner Carlson, a former Los Angeles news anchor and U.S. ambassador to the Seychelles who was president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and director of Voice of America.[3] His mother is Patricia Caroline Swanson (born 1945), former wife of Howard Feldman and an heiress to the Swanson food-conglomerate fortune.[3][4] He has a brother, Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson.[5][6] A great-uncle was Sen. J. William Fulbright.[4]"

      Two points:
      1. Jeeze, where did Tucker go so wrong? He has some accomplished relatives. A solid family business. Head of Public Broadcasting and VOA. A senator who opposed McCarthyism and favored international exchanged (fellowship named after him because of it). Then there's Tucker. Best known for wearing a bow tie.

      2. Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson? Buckley? Those parents named one son Tucker and the other Buckley? The parents deserve a good thump on the noggin for that, I swear.

      • GOPCrusher

        Ambassador to the Seychelles?
        LOL!

    • the_onceler

      Ah, Mickey Kaus is there now? Another reason to avoid going to their website.

  • Barbara_i

    One of her staffers overheard her saying that the movie, "Silence of the Lambs" wasn't nearly as funny as the book.
    "it takes the lotion and puts it in the basket!"

  • undeterredbyreality

    She's obviously an alien–note the conehead. And it's not really murder if they die on the alien examination table.

  • http://wonkette.com i_like_tigers

    It's not just knives you should keep away from Congress, also pens, carrots, etc…..

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Multiple downfisters! Oh, I'm feeling faint!!!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      I saw that. Sigh. Guess I'll get around to upfisting everyone "next time."

  • freakishlywrong

    There's an asshole here, cold murdering y'alls peeness. I will commence with fisting.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      SJL's got her entire staff online downfisting us right now.

    • PsycWench

      If it wasn't for calling out downfisters I'd still be at 101p

    • OneDollarJuana

      Downfist. Upfist. Downfist. Upfist. Downfist. Upfist. Downfist. Upfist.

      OOPS! Sorry. ; }

      • YasserArraFeck

        Fist goes up, fist goes down. Who can explain it?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Fist goes up, fist goes down. Explain, please.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    poor dumb bastard works for a murderer AND his name is mcqueery? this world is hard.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    That photo of her also makes her look a lot like Gwen Ifil, another stone cold killa.

  • Radiotherapy

    We already knew she was a baby killer. So no big whoop

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Well, at least the press corps is concentrating on important news like unsubstantiated rumors and gossip.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Well, now you've done it. You lured me into rewarding *ucker Carlson with a page view.

    To quote Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, "You stupid m*th*rf*ck*r."

    • Angry_Marmot

      Wait, are the "stupid motherfuckers" stupid fuckers, or do they only fuck mothers that are stupid?

  • PsycWench

    If this is what holding a seat in Congress does to a normal woman, God only knows what would happen if Sarah Palin won such a seat..before she quit, of course.

    • Terry

      I think Sarah is on course to become an arch-villan. She currently has a secret sub-Arctic lair, build courtesy of Fox News. She's fond of those severe looking jackets. She wears iconic hairstyles and glasses. All she needs is an oversized black chair and a fluffy white cat to pet.

    • Halloween Jack

      I'm not sure that she was ever normal.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    OK. Other members of Congress are nice to their staff while kicking Real Americans™ in the balls and/or ovaries with their votes. Cut Planned Parenthood funding. End Sesame Street. Repeal Health Insurance Reform. "So be it."

  • freakishlywrong

    Sheila is going to need that knife when the teabillies get around to passing that law allowing them to carry guns in congress.

    WHERE ARE THE JAWBS?

  • nounverb911

    "Nine staffers left within two months, 25 within 6 months. "
    How many has Tucker Carlson gone into through?

  • chickensmack

    Your story becomes a bore when a dude named McQueery says "she ain't the only one." Pick another week when Charlie Sheen isn't melting down, and you may impress someone.

    • SorosBot

      Charlie Sheen is just a victim of the Jewish 9/11 Conspiracy, just like Mel Gibson and Michael Jackson, at least according to our (and many other IntenseDebate using sites') resident insane conspiracy theory troll:
      http://intensedebate.com/people/ryanshaunke6216

  • PsycWench

    “We would never leave a knife around when the congresswoman was here,”
    And you would have a knife in your office to leave around, why exactly?

    • nounverb911

      It's easier to hide than an axe.

  • AtwatersGhost

    I guarantee she's got at least 3 knives hidden in that B-52 parked on her head.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Well sure — for defense against the spiders.

  • Guppy06

    "All members of Congress are murderers?"

    Well, which mass-murdering bill did she vote for, "authorization for the use of force," or death panels?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Well, maybe one.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I think a large portion of politicians (mainly GOPers, Teabaggers, Christian Conservative dickwads & vagwads, and Blue Dogturd Dem knuckleheads) are sorry assed mofos. So that makes me a killer too, I guess.

    Yay!

  • LabRodent

    She added Lee so as not to be confused with the other crazy Jackson family. Im looking at you Latoya.

  • ny35mike

    i know a number of former staffers and they are more afraid of what THEY will do to HER if knives are left around

  • Blendergoathead

    Mmmmm… fisting.

    Wait, what?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Can you imagine having Tucker Carlson for a boss–trust fund kid who has never done an honest day of work in his life… He'd call you into the office & be a smarmy, passive aggressive tool and you'd have to clinch your fists and grit your teeth in order to keep from leaping on him & strangling him with his bowtie. Not worth it; I'd rather be flipping burgers at Burger King.

    • bumfug

      Oh, come on, strangling him with his bow tie would definitely be worth it.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Obviously, the screams were from her stylist, Pierre, "Madame! You must wear the little bow tie on ze hair for "Ze Zippy" look!"

    Her reply: Does it hurt when you pee air, Pierre? Bring me the fish bubbler catheter!"

  • mumbly_joe

    Ms. Jackson Lee was also unavailble for comment about allegations that she had yet to stop beating her husband.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Sounds like an episode of True Blood to me.

  • SorosBot

    And you know who else has called people "motherfucker"? Hint: it's every modern native speaker of the English language!

    • An_Outhouse

      Arianna Huffington?

    • lulzmonger

      Martha Stewart?

    • DangerHelvetica

      Tommy Wiseau? Sort of.

      • SorosBot

        You are lying! You are tearing me apart, Danger! Oh hai doggie.

      • mumbly_joe

        Ot, but BTW, I just wanted to comment and (upfist!) on account of your new avatar; it's really good to know that I'm not the only person who reads MSPA obsessively, and that there's at least one other person who knows what I'm talking about when a reference inevitably slips through to my posting here.

        /ot , but still MSPA

        Yeah, I'm pretty sure we can safely conclude that Ms. Jackson Lee's use of the word "MoThErFuCkEr" proves that she's a mass-murderer.

        • DangerHelvetica

          You know, at first I thought the icon was too nerdy for Wonkette, but then I just kind of figured that someone looking angrily at a computer was something everyone here could identify with.

          And then I realized that "too nerdy for Wonkette" was an absurd thought anyway.
          HONK

    • GOPCrusher

      Victoria Osteen?

      • Angry_Marmot

        That would be kinda hot.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The Houston Democrat addressed one of her employees as "you stupid motherfucker." And not just once, but “constantly,” recalls the staffer, “like, all the time.”

    In Jackson Lee's defense, all the other times she was probably directing this at John Boehner.

    • Negropolis

      Regardless, that's a pretty fucking awesome power trip. If I worked for her ass, I'd be giving it right back.

      "you stupid motherfucker" is actually a term of endearment in the black community, so should they be so lucky as to be called that is what I say.

  • kissawookiee

    Well, at least the garlic tablets prove pretty clearly that she's not a vampire. Lycanthropy is still on the table.

  • glamourdammerung

    Tucker better hope she is not the type to call her friends to beat up homosexuals in public toilets like that one guy was.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    There is a lot of swearing, crying and poopy diapers coming out of David Vitter's office. Where is Tucker Carlson's in-depth coverage of that?

  • DangerHelvetica

    Well, she does represent Texas's 18th congressional district including the very, very urban Houston inner city (no I will not let this joke go)

    Oh, and screaming and crying seem like pretty appropriate reactions to working in congress.

  • problemwithcaring

    Not surprisingly, Jackson Lee has one of the highest staff turnover rates in Washington.

    Meanwhile back here in reality, David Vitter actually shitted on a prostitute, then lazily staged her murder as a suicide, and no one in the media cares.

  • SilverTsunami

    A bad boss! That never happens in the private sector.

  • sezme

    Murder is bad I guess, but DC gossip without assfucking is like a potato without salt.

  • lulzmonger

    But he was totally exonerated by a coroner-crony who proved his innocence with an incompetent autopsy! Besides, he was in at least two different places at the time, neither of which was his office. What more do you libs want???

    To this day, Joe Starbuckorough completely loses his shit if anyone so much as mentions her name. Nothing suspicious about that at all, nope.

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, Gary Condit didn't actually kill anyone, but Joe Scarbourough might have?

      Is this like the Teabaggers calling Obama a fascist, communist, totaliitarian, un-American Mau-Mau for the last two years, only for Scott Walker to attempt to restrict severely the freedom to assemble of his constituents & ram down the throats of the Wisconsin Democratic Senators an end to collective bargaining & give-back to Koch?

  • teebob2000

    Why is it you NEVER see young boys around Jonathan Strong?? I wonder if it's because the young boy network got word out that he enjoys diddling them in his spare time? I dunno! No idea.

  • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

    Yes, and those "garlic tablets' just pushed her over the edge.

    • natoslug

      Tucker must be pro-vampire. With all her garlic tablets, the only thing she's killing is the undead. And maybe anyone standing in front of her.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Over the last ten years, at least 39 staffers have left within one year.

    I wonder the language in which this was written before being machine-translated into Lower Slobovian and then into English.

  • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

    In fairness, who hasn't killed a coworker? My former receptionist was a total bitch who was just BEGGING for it. What?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Thank you, Wonkette, for having the policy, and thank you, Jack Stuef, for carrying it out so well, that allows me to get the sense of an article from the foaming at the mouth right wing press without actually having to click on the link and read it.

    If they did nothing else the Wonketteers would deserve ten blog of the year awards for this service to humanity.

    Tucker Carlson is the kind of person who would cause mass boycott of family Thanksgiving if he were a tag a long brother-in-law.

  • glamourdammerung

    Anyone else wonder how this compares to Bachmann? Especially since everything I looked merely suggested it was high, yet had no numbers.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    There is some other stuff in here about Jackson Lee showing off her hubris….

    Congresswoman Lee, call people motherfuckers if you want to, but I think we all agree that nobody wants to see your hubris.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Trendy Man: Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
      Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody.

  • Mahousu

    I'm sorry, but Sheila Jackson Lee will never be able to match Shelley "Dracula Cunt" Gibbs. Anyone who can have Tom DeLay's entire staff — yes, Tom Delay's — quit on her must be something special indeed.

    • Limeylizzie

      Oh my god, how come I never heard of this woman before, it must have been before I started sleeping with the Wonkette. I am literally weeping with laughter.

  • XOhioan

    Wish she had eaten Ralph Nader when she had a chance. http://www.pressaction.com/news/weblog/full_artic

  • SorosBot

    Next thing you know some socialist is going to suggest that there is something called selection bias and the higher rate of conviction for drug offenses among black people does not actually reflect a higher rate of drug use, which is must the same across the races.

    • Redhead

      But that can't be true, because if it were, it would give the teabaggers one less reason to hate Obama!

  • GOPCrusher

    Or just finished watching Snakes On A Plane.

  • hauntedteacozy

    OBVIOUSLY she murders and eats people, as she is a member of the Reptilian Race (like RUMSFELD) and won't even answer questions about them – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn5ZeZMCnOY

  • Rotundo_

    Tucker Carlson: The journalistic equivalent of a fart at the table during the evening meal in a monastery in which all have taken a vow of silence.

    • glamourdammerung

      That would imply he at least served some kind of useful function.

  • ttommyunger

    When asked for comment by your friendly Wonketeer, Joe Scarborough replied:"Killer?" he sniffed dismissively. Bitch hasn't made her bones! Sure, she'll cut you, but she hasn't killed anybody yet, Piker!".

  • piniella

    THIS IS A GREAT ARGUMENT FOR FEDERAL EMPLOYEE UNIONS. In other words, J.S. Mill was correct: Conservatives are STUPID

  • Negropolis

    She's a known Black and an openly practicing woman

    I like.

  • Negropolis

    Really, is Sheila Jackson Lee gonna' have to cut a bitch, up in here, or what? Don't y'all know who the fuck this woman is? She's a motherfucking congresswoman, that's who, and a strong, very, very urban woman at that. So, show some motherfucking respect for your motherfucking congresswoman, your stupid motherfuckers.

  • largefooted

    Meh. I've heard loud moaning coming from Lorretta Sanchez's office.

  • Halloween Jack

    I don't think that the Daily Caller is being hyperbolic at all; I read stories about her ridiculous treatment of her drivers (including the thing about driving her one block) and the African-American hurricane names years ago. Wikipedia also says that she said, in 2010, that South Vietnam was still an independent country. Houston deserves better.