Senate Dems, keepin' it real

  • The Senate is expected to vote today on a bill that would extend funding for the federal government for two additional weeks while also cutting four billion clams from current spending levels. Senate Democrats are “conceding defeat this time,” but vow to say mean things about John Boehner before voting on a similar bill two weeks from now. “I don’t like this death by 1,000 cuts, but I also don’t want a government shutdown,” says Senator Barbara Mikulski (D-MD), who will most likely vote today to die by 1,000 cuts. (Cutting Pro Tip: It’s “down the highway” not “across the street.”) “Democratic senators suggested Tuesday they would win — next time.” Yes. Yes, of course. [The Hill/CNN]
  • A Pakistani cabinet minister was assassinated, apparently because he opposed the country’s strict blasphemy laws. (At least we know Raymond Davis didn’t kill him?) [BBC]
  • The nonstop earthquakes ravaging Arkansas are “very possibly an after effect of natural-gas drilling,” according to naive “earthquake experts” unfamiliar with Hugo Chavez’s Earthquake Machine. [Fox News]
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  • Texan_Bulldog

    Me thinks the AR earthquakes are more likely due to meth labs or moonshine stills blowing up. Besides, Arkies are so damn dumb they probably just think God is hiccuping.

  • Pragmatist2

    I believe that Napoleon said this first. Right after Waterloo.

  • Does anyone remember when the Demrats in the Senate fought the GOPers on anything?

    Yeah, me neither.

    • Terry

      Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

      Yeah, I don't think the GOP'ers were really fighting back much on that one.

    • BerkeleyBear

      They fought damn hard to be first in line to sign off on an extension of the Bush tax cuts, it seems to me.

      Actually, one of the fun parts of the Senate used to be that no one really fought anyone. Hell, the Union Senators gave a polite send off to their colleagues when the South seceded – you'd think that would be an apt moment for some fighting and perhaps a punch or two, but nooooo.

    • crybabyboehner

      When they call me and ask for moolah, I will say, "Next time!"

    • DemmeFatale

      Yesterday in the car, I heard a conservative voice on NPR dripping with sarcasm, spewing nonsense like "Obamacare" and talking about this "dog gone legislation." He could barely contain the rage and disdain he was feeling. I assumed it was an idiot Representative or Governor.
      I quickly changed the station, (and may I say, thank God for old school Rod Stewart).
      I was shocked when I saw later that it was Orrin Hatch. I know he's a douchebag, but I thought he knew better than to act like this.

      • DemmeFatale

        Yay! My measly p-ness has drawn the attention of a downfister!

        (Must have been "douchebag.")

    • MaxUdargo

      One of the great things about being a Democrat is the certainty. You always know that after a little perfunctory posturing and meaningless talk, the Democrats will "compromise" by giving the Republicans everything they demand with curly fries and ketchup.

  • Mumbletypeg

    It’s “down the highway” not “across the street."

    This is good information for Xtine OD's next Brazilian, Wags.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Whoops. Just looked up the meaning of this expression… I had figured "Cutting Pro Tip" meant like for cutting hair at an angle rather than straight across? But now I understand.

      • BerkeleyBear

        So Riley's a cutter, huh? I had him pegged as anorexic/body dismorphic owing to the unwanted advances of Breitbart, but didn't realize he had gotten into cutting.

  • A Democratic senator who attended a Tuesday conference lunch said colleagues “vented” over cuts in the House bill.

    That's the way to show true leadership: venting (crying like a baby) in a private meeting while the GOP kills dead everything you are supposed to stand for.

    • BeWoot

      Too true. "Floor debate" in the modern senate means a polite discussion of linoleum versus tile, usually near the bar at a corporate reception.

    • BarryOPotter

      …show true leadership: venting (crying like a baby)

      Why restore cuts when venting about how mean the other kids are is so readily available? Because the former would require backbone and action, while for the latter, tear ducts and tissue is more than what's required, plus it might get you a pitty handy under the table…

  • Schmannnity

    When Democrats were real men who knew how to run government and get things done:

    • No kidding. Mansfield was Senate Majority Leader from 1961 to 1977 and was responsible for a lot of great legislation. He managed to deal with Democratic senators who racist dogs and saber-rattling warmongers without simply handing the Republicans everything they wanted.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Umm, back then a big block of the GOP was for a lot of the good things that liberals wanted, like the Civil Rights Act. And Dems were for bombing the shit out of Vietnam despite it being a quagmire. So arguably the hard part of his job was getting Dems to do the right thing by handing the GOP what it wanted – like the EPA.

  • Barbara_i

    We should have a rally on March 13th and drive our cars to the nearest highway and step out, whip out our Chapsticks and tell the politicians that America likes to be kissed before we get screwed.

    • freakishlywrong

      Or just rent Hummers and drive around and just cold slam in to anything parked by the side of the road. (With handicapped plates, of course).

      • OneDollarJuana

        Especially if they are waving.

  • noodlesalad

    Stop fracking the Ozarks and get back to the basic biofuel, Moonshine. We're all gonna need some with the way the gubmint is headed.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You do realize that if the gubmint ever gives up corn subsidies the price of 'shine is going waaay up. Kinda like gas now.

  • Senate Democrats further vowed to send sternly worded letters to the editor of major newspapers around the country.

    "This will show them that we mean business, this time!", ululated Senate Minority Majority Leader Harry Reid. "Perhaps they'll even print one!"

    • PsycWench

      Then they're calling their dads, and possibly taking their balls and bats and going home.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Well, look at Egypt and Libya. It's hard to stand up against your oppressors.

  • President Boehner is running this country into the fucking ground.

    • hagajim

      What do you expect at Boehner to do besides pound you down?

      • SorosBot

        Knock you up? At least if you're Bristol and refuse a condom.

    • jim89048

      Maybe it's high time for Joebiden to get in there and shake things up.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    What the fuck did AR do so bad that God is pissed off at 'em? How much gay restroom sex is there in Little Rock?

    • SorosBot

      This is Arkansas, one of the most gay-hating states in the union; so the answer to "How much gay restroom sex is there in Little Rock?" is a hell of a fucking lot of it.

  • Blendergoathead

    I guess I've been paying too much attention to people actually *fighting* the dictators and the rightwing corporate thugs to even notice that the Senate Dems are still a bunch of pussies.

    Thanks for the reminder.

  • "Remember it's sometimes best to retreat and live to fight another day." –
    George Armstrong Custer (Democratic Representative to the Dakota Territories, 1876)

    • FNMA

      Custer also said, "Hurray, boys! We've got them. We'll finish them up and then go home to our station."

  • mereoblivion

    Huck's already blaming the earthquakes on Kenya . . . wait, Indonesia, or I mean the Indonesian part of Hawaii.

  • SorosBot

    Is the Democratic Senators being spineless wimps who give the Republicans everything they want actually news?

    Here I thought cancer-giving water was the big negative side effect of Frakking; but no, it's even worse.

  • MildMidwesterner

    Congressional Democrats make the Pittsburgh Pirates look like winners.

    • Doktor Avalanche

      Hey now! Dems might be gutless worms and bootlicks, crawling on their bellies for Republican scraps, but let's not say something we can't take back like comparing them to the Pirates (oh god…I just puked a little on my keyboard typing that word).

    • GlowneyHouse

      As a lifelong devotee of the team of Wagner, Traynor, Kiner, Stargell, Mazeroski and the beloved Roberto Clemente, just remember that no matter how outgunned and underfunded the Bucs are, they at least win a third of their games every season.

  • Schmannnity

    Little Rock leveled by the latest quakes. Experts put the damage in the hundreds of dollars.

  • "This is a concerted campaign to slaughter every liberal, progressive and humanist voice in Pakistan.

    Substitute "the United States of America" for Pakistan in the BBC report and you have the perfect description of Glenn Beck's TV and radio shows.

    • SorosBot

      These guys would put anti-blasphemy laws in the books if they were in charge. Hell, fucking Ireland and Britain still have anti-blasphemy laws; stupid antiquated countries, blasphemy is a completely victimless crime, and tell your stupid Jesus and Mohammad to go fuck themselves.

      P.S. Tell Moses, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard and Zoroaster to go fuck themselves too (sadly Hinduism has no central figure to blaspheme).

      • Ducksworthy

        Blasphemy is claiming that Gawd wants to cut taxes or claiming Gawd is telling you to vote for the GOP. Using Gawd's name in vain to gain political points with the ignorant and superstitious is blasphemy.

      • Negropolis

        I don't know. Jesus was pretty cool, as was the Buddha, but yeah, the rest can go fuck themselves to the tune of one hand clapping, I says.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Look. This is all part of God's Plan ©. God's Plan ©

    • arihaya

      FOX News and wingnut radio hosts will surely reduce the news to: "evil Muslims kill Christian" ,,, despite the fact that Pakistani wingnuts also assasinate moderate Muslims politician like Gov Salman Taseer

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dang, I was hoping for a few days off. Stupid Democrat surrender monkeys.

  • How much does one of those earthquake machines cost? Just wondering.

    • It's not an ACME product right?

      • That's the one the shakes Wile E. Coyote to death while the roadrunner speeds by on the perfectly flat unbroken desert. Acme products never fail.

    • Weenus299

      Consult SPECTRE.

  • slithytoves

    Congress is in session?

  • JackDempsey1

    "Senate democrats"
    "cutting four billion clams from current spending levels"

    References to TWO invertebrate species in the same post. Coincidence?

  • Pakistani cabinet minister murdered for not being fundie enough… Operation Rescue approves of this.

  • dogscantlookup

    Democratic politicians smell more and more Vichy to me
    "I'd Like to Buy the World a Koch and get sum o that money"

  • freakishlywrong

    I have GOT to renew my passport.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Better hurry before the govt shuts down and all the State Department folks are sitting at home on furlough.

  • mereoblivion

    Dianne Feinstein tries to quote Falstaff: "The better part of pallor is concession."
    But just think, after the du$t clears we'll have . . . patent reform!

  • Redhead

    "Cutting Pro Tip: It’s “down the highway” not “across the street.”"

    Come on Riley. We all know the repubs aren't REALLY trying to kill themselves/the country, they're just doing it for the attention.

    • BarryOPotter

      Equating politicians with attention whores only proves that one whore can have many flavors…

  • user-of-owls

    Future historians will be forgiven when they attempt to deduce the priorities of the American voting public by looking at what the incoming Republican majority acted on first. They will inevitably conclude that conducting the "Peoples' Business' meant giving voice to the demands of untold millions by de-funding telepromters and restoring toxic plastics to the House cafeteria.

    "What do we want? STYROFOAM! When do we want it? NOW!"

  • chickensmack

    Does anyone see the disconnect in a Fox story that talks about a man-made misadventure?

    Also, winning story comments, c/p: "THis fraking stuff sounds like a brillant idea. With all the lubricating of plates going on, spinning off small quakes, that should defuse the tension underground so that large, destructive quakes are a thing of the past in that area."

    That's the New Madrid Seismic Zone, you cockhound. And note that he's implying that causing earthquakes is a good thing. Maybe he's the only Christian who's head-on looking forward to the antichrist — unlike all his pussy brethren.

    • FNMA

      Plate tectonics is merely a theory.

    • Weenus299

      "fraking." I love it. I'll be he fuks his sister every morning.

      Plates can't just lubricate themselves, you know.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well T Boone Pickens says fracking is perfectly fine, so it must be, right? I mean, just because it used to be done out in the middle of nowhere and now we are using it in highly populated areas (and actually witnessing the impact on aquifers) doesn't mean we can't do it exactly the same way, does it?

      Next on Fox – Why depleted uranium is such a great asset in the war on Afghan forest overgrowth.

  • Arkansans better go back to drilling nothing but their little sisters.

  • user-of-owls

    Before the recent economic boom, Brazilians used to say, "Brazil is the country of the future and it always will be."

    Curious how that came to mind while reading about the Senate Democrats.

  • Doktor Avalanche

    I can't tell anymore if Dems are trying to fool us or convince themselves that they might have access to the spines they sold to get elected. River in Egypt, cream puffs!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Jeez. Riley fights Breibart off harder than the Dems fight the Rethugs. And we all know Wags still ends up in a lot of pictures with his "buddy".

    You do know the difference between pals and buddies, dontcha Riley?

  • Ruhe

    Budget problems are real. Republicans have fake solutions. Democrats have no solutions. Net result? Boehner declaring "half your base belong to us."

  • iburl

    "Next Time" has a much more realistic ring than "Change you can believe in" anyway.

  • Weenus299

    Scene: Subject A coming to inside of a wrecked red convertible GTO, a fire still smoldering under the hood. Beside Subject A is a deceased Subject B, a hooker, with a smoking revolver in her hand. Subject A realizes blood is coming from his lower abdomen. The landscape is an unfamiliar part of country, far different than from what he's ever seen: bloated vegetables hanging off of giant treelike plants, but otherwise desert scrub. Bluelights flash on and off around the immediate area. Subject A opens his mouth:

    "Man, next time I swear I'm going to quit Charlie Sheen. For good."

    And also, too, I noted: Facebhookers.

  • The Horses of Helios?

  • Dudleydidwrong

    What would happen if the Democrats in the US Senate and House would follow the lead of the Democrats in the Wisconsin Senate and slip away to an undisclosed location somewhere outside of the country, say Newfoundland or St. Helena island? Would they be missed? Would their absence be even noticed? Nah. Wuss city…

  • user-of-owls

    Could we take up a collection and buy the Democrats some current tense?

    • But we're still trying to come up with money for all those spines.

      • user-of-owls

        Ok, then how about we send 'em a Mac 'n Cheese Pizza?

  • Hey I just noticed you made it to 100 congrats.

  • mavenmaven

    It could well have been Raymond Davis. The Republic has been cloning assasins now for several years and soon will have an entire army ready for deployment.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That being said, it wasn't as bad as the cross-border Mennonite hellhole that is Seminole TX. At least you could buy booze.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I don't have any snark for the Democrats. It's been smothered to death by my utter contempt.

  • MathIsHard

    Wait a second, that's not how it goes!

    First, Bammerz says "We had a deal at 1%! Shut it down!", then he and his entourage walk to the Capitol to see the Speaker of the House, who ignores them, then…[reading script]…stuff happens…and then the Democrats win. These guys need to watch more West Wing.

  • LetUsBray

    But the next round of fund-raising appeals from our heroic Dems will proceed apace: "We don't know how the Rethugs' dicks ended up in our mouths again. But if you send us a C-note, we swear we'll make sure it doesn't happen any more. Gradually."

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Gee, thanks Democrats. I've always wanted two decades of recession and unemployment at Great Depression levels. I just knew I could count on you working with Republicans to really deliver on my dream of scrounging for food in an alleyway.

    • jim89048

      I just wish it had happened when I was still young enough to recover from it financially.

    • GOPCrusher

      Dumpster diving is hard on the old bones.

  • hagajim

    What does pussy smell like? When it's Harry Reid it's definitely stinky!

  • arihaya

    Senate Democrats Promise To Fight About the Budget ‘Next Time’

    Mark Anthony said something similar like that too in Egypt,,,

  • BlueStateLibel

    Yawn, the sun comes up, Dems concede defeat, what else is new?

    • LetUsBray

      And never a miscommunication. Unfortunately.

    • Negropolis

      Tide goes in, tide goes out…

  • "Next time". Gettin' a little backed up, aren't you, you rat bastards?

  • CalamityJames

    Sun comes up, sun goes down. Can't be explained.

  • PabaBritannica

    I'm sending Mulder and Scully blingies to everyone as my new email sig.

  • Negropolis

    It's so sad to hear Mikulski utter such a defeatist line; she's usually much more fiesty. Republicans are the party of false choices, and the Democrats are the party of accepting them. :(

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