colonials

Mike Huckabee Knows Barack Obama Grew Up In Kenya

HUCKABEE: I would love to know more. What I know is troubling enough. And one thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, very different than the average American. When he gave the bust back to the Brits –

MALZBERG: Of Winston Churchill.

HUCKABEE: The bust of Winston Churchill, a great insult to the British. But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather.

So, uh, the British were a bunch of imperialists. They called themselves an “empire.” Their queen called herself an “empress.” HOW DARE OBAMA SAY THE BRITISH HAD COLONIES? HOW DARE HE LIVE IN THAT PLACE HE DIDN’T LIVE?

The sun never sets on stupid. [Media Matters]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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179 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Huckabee, why is it that you won't give Barack the benefit of the doubt? That cop killer you pardoned sure got his from you.

    1. glamourdammerung

      That one is actually defensible. Wayne Drummond's pardon on the other hand, shows why Huckabee is either too stupid, too petty, or both to hold any office.

      Siding with Mubarak against the President of the United States just to get in petty jabs, siding with a serial rapist against the then-President for the same reason. Anyone else notice a pattern?

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes, it's amazing the capacity these asswipes have for pandering to the lowest common denominator. Oh, and Huckster…last I checked US history doesn't exactly flatter the British until WWI so maybe your idiotic Anglophilia is a bit misplaced. I love it, admitting imperialists were imperialists of all the nerve! This dumbass cracker needs to be tossed into George Dubya's texas chili and never be heard from again. Next thing you know Obama will be calling Rome the Roman Empire and Huckster will REALLY get pissed because theyse the ones what legitimized Xtian!

  2. the_onceler

    Yeah, how dare a country fight to gain independence from the British Empire! Oh, wait…

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Yeah, but we were angry about taxes, not about being put in concentration camps and tortured and stuff, so we were justified.

        1. Lost_Teabaggers

          I know, right…you hit the nail on the proverbial head…it's amazing how African, Mexican and South American independence movements have been portrayed in this country…If anything, the Egyptian democracy movement has it kind of good; Republicans are only being mildly assholish to them compared to how our right wingers treat other "non-whites". Of course with Africa we have direct complicity in the Dutch murder of Patrice Lamumba, showing how much we really care about democracy and stuff. I guess you're ready for and deserving of Democracy so long as you're white and ready to let the US make you a client state…..

  3. walstib

    More importantly how dare a former fattie speak at all.

    He's worse than former smokers…

    Sheesh dude, eat a cheeseburger or sumpin… Just shut it.

  4. nounverb911

    "their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours"
    Huckles doesn't like the fact that the Whites came out on the losing side in the Mau Mau revolution.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      I love it. "Our view". "The British" were offended.

      Does Huckabee know the world population is actually somewhere north of the three white conservative oafs he thinks it is?

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        I just find it hard to believe that my view of the Mau Mau revolution might be challenged.

        1. KenLayIsAlive

          I know. African revolutions occurring thousands of miles from our shores always seem so cut and dried. Just look at Glenn Beck irrefutable perspective on Egypt. I mean, who could argue with such a cogent, nicely drawn, and multi-chalkboarded argument?

  5. DaRooster

    "…probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather."

    Yeah, they persecuted your Great-Great Grandfather… Dick!

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah god forbid Obama be told about what actually happened before Gary North or some other Christian reconstructionist douche can pretend it was one big kumbaya in Kenya until the darkies got tired of the freedom being exported by the wonderful British colonists. Seriously…Huckleberry, go eat a dozen donuts and let the adults speak.

      Oh, and I love the umbrage about the Churchill bust…Winston Churchill has ALWAYS been more popular amongst dumbass conservatives here than in the UK. That he was immediately repudiated as PM post-WWII is always conveniently left out of their gay hero worship….

  6. PublicLuxury

    The bust was on loan dumb ass fucker-bee. Get with the fuckin' progarm. Plus.. eat the corn from my shit, too , also you betcha.

      1. Hatrabbit

        It's popcorn squirrel and cornhole-corn every Sunday night at the Huckabee's.

        Yeeeeeee-Hah!

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Well, both are full of dark skin, barely dressed savages boiling over with sexual, animal magnetism.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Wow. Just wow. I'm not saying Huckabee's Wall of Stupid shouldn't be knocked down, but I just can't help sitting here in silent wonder for a few minutes first.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I agree. Which point to rebut him on? The fact that Merkuns should be anti-imperialist, especially against the British, otherwise we'd still have the Queen on our money like the canadians. Or the fact that his supposition for O's hatred for the Brits is based on no facts at all.

  8. OkieDokieDog

    Hey Mikey! Quit humpin' that bible. You're wastin' some of God's precious seeds. Isn't there some young thing you could be impregnating?

    Dumb hillbilly lard ass mofo.

  9. PublicLuxury

    Hey, Fucker-bee, where's your birth certificate? We aren't sure you were actually born. We suspect you were hatched in a sub chamber of Barbara Bush's honey pot.

      1. Extemporanus

        TRUE FACT: Back in frontier days, "honey pot" was a sweetly sardonic euphemism for an outhouse, and more specifically, for the sub-board dung bucket that collected one's ass offerings.

        “Honey dippers”—not to be confused with "The Honey Drippers"—had the at-one-time enviable task of servicing said crap baskets: Before gold mine owners got wind of their grift and began ordering all honey pot contents be searched by hand, honey dippers used to smuggle nuggets out in the piss-soaked shit.

        The More You [Wish You Didn't] Know!

      1. PublicLuxury

        Oh. Jesus H Christ on a waffle. WTF. Ish. eeeeeewwwwww. There goes Mr. Luxury's sexual opportunity tonight.

        1. Barbara_i

          Thanks for the heads up, PublicLuxury. I'm full of pizza rolls and Dr Pepper and would like to hold them down.

        1. EdFlintstone

          Hey it does go with Bab's blue hair color. I'll have you know my wife saw that at work on another girls cell phone and told me to google the term when she came home. The horror!!! Those disgusting chicks. I thought it was right up wonkette's alley of learning new terms. It has made me muffin adverse though. I was in process of editing my post and doing my first hyperlink when the replies came and prevented it.

        1. problemwithcaring

          And that $140 million for "volcano monitoring" that Jindal was categorizing as government waste was, of course, used for seismic monitoring and mapping.

          What you *don't* know can kill your dumbass.

  10. mavenmaven

    Lets face it, all of these current teabaggers would have been anti-revolution in 1776. @#$%ing loyalist tories all of em.

  11. dogscantlookup

    Huck is a hillbilly that eats squirrels, what does know about Britain?
    Or America

  12. widestanceroman

    I want him to run just so the stress triggers out of control eating binges. I want this man to go Full Metal Creosote for the length of the cycle and then lose by a landslide.

    Yes, I would cook this man dinner, just to watch him explode.

    Oh, and I think what he said here was 'anti-colonial' for those who don't understand hyphens.

  13. EdFlintstone

    Huck its what you don't know that's troubling the rest of us. You know what's troubling me? That Huckabee grew up in a satanic cult that regularly burned bibles and committed human sacrifices. Now you may say, but Ed there's no evidence of that. That may be true but it's still "troubling."

      1. CalamityJames

        You heard wrong. Those were Cheese Nips, not to be confused with hairy-chested gingers.

  14. Naked_Bunny

    You'd think the Brits would want Churchill's bust back so it could be buried with the rest of him.

      1. user-of-owls

        This faux-politeness is something you often see in 'preachers.' If it was anyone else, they would have said, "WInston's tits."

  15. tribbzthesquidz

    Huck and Bachman must have had the same history class with Professor Pullitoutyerass.

    1. chickensmack

      Hell no. Per liter is cheaper. Average of 84 cents, versus three something per gallon!

      1. jim89048

        But think how many more miles you could go on an Imperial gallon vs a US gallon, or gawd-ferbid, a soshulist liter!

  16. Callyson

    "The bust of Winston Churchill, a great insult to the British."
    So hard to keep up with wingnuts these days! I thought they loved Churchill for his tough stance on the Soviets, and also that quote about how someone over 40 who is not a conservative has no brain. Bet he'd take that comment back if he came back from the dead and saw what today's crackpot righties are like…

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Evidently Churchill never said that. No one can find it any place in his speeches or writings. Saying evidently originated with a Frenchman (Guizot, 18th century) and has been cribbed by various people (Charles Kraut-shit-hammer) but wasn't said by Winnie.

  17. aguacatero

    This guy leads an actual double life. He goes on the Daily Show and acts like an affable and sorta hep closet moderate, some sort of popular, band-playing middlebrow dean at a community college. And then he goes on redneck radio and says crazy teabag birther backwoods baptist deep fried squirrel shit.

    This is actually pathological. Choose a side of our late-1850s style cultural divide, we're at war. Also, does he not know about modern electronic recording capabilities?

    1. ttommyunger

      He knows his specific audience. He, like the Apostle Paul, wants to be all things to all people, so he can spread the Gospel of Hucksterism far and wide. 'Course Huck's got about as much in common with Paul as I do, but what the Hell, go for it, fatso!

    2. BerkeleyBear

      To answer your question, I supply the following evidence:

      1. He was governor of Arkansas, for which literacy of any kind is generally not seen as a plus (Bill was an exception)
      2. While governor, he ordered a Quad-wide to serve as his official residence while the Gov's mansion was repaired (not kidding – it was an Indiana "manufactured home" (trailer) on a grand scale)
      3. He currently works for Fox News.

      So no, he has no idea that anyone can take his various statements and compare them for consistency/logic/facts.

    3. BarackMyWorld

      "…crazy teabag birther backwoods baptist deep fried squirrel shit."

      I'm planning to use this phrase in a real-world conversation at the earliest convenience.

  18. mumbly_joe

    Folks, you heard it here first: If Huckster had his way, he'd give the British back all of their colonies, presumably because he hates America.

  19. chickensmack

    Are they talking about O'Bama I or II? The former did grow up there. The second, well, we like to antagonize white people by gleefully saying it out loud, along with "Allahu Akbar!" and "Alayhi s-salām."

  20. bumfug

    Huckabee is a bible-thumping douchebag. The fact that he's got this reputaton for being the "reasonable" Republican just shows how totally fucked up the rest of them are.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      That reputation seems about as well earned as McCain's "maverick" status – and about as likely to hold up to the rigors of running for the GOP nomination.

      I mean so far he has said abortion is the number 1 issue for him as a wannabe President, that poverty can be solved by making poor women (read black) marry their baby daddies and this shit. At this rate, by the time they get to actual campaigning he's gonna be wearing a white hood and burning "welcome crosses" on the South Lawn of the White House.

      1. bumfug

        When were you at Berkeley? I was booked a few times at the Sunday night comedy shows at the Bear's Lair back in the '80s. Hosted a halloween party/costume competition there one year, good memories.

  21. MinAgain

    Empire, schmempire. Don't confuse Huckabee with facts. They make him nervous, and when he's nervous, he eats. Oh, God, does he eat.

  22. Weenus299

    George Washington, Daniel Morgan, Thomas Sumter, Francis Marion were all unamerican for attacking British movements, also too.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    You know who else had fits of Anglophilia that led him to do and say stupid things?

  24. PresBeeblebrox

    Great! If you liked the 2008 GOP primary, you'll love 2012. Huckleberry against Mittens, Godfather Q. McPizza, Lou Sarah, and Newton Leroy Gingrich. Which one will move to the right faster?

  25. mumbly_joe

    You know who else probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather?

      1. mumbly_joe

        Also, too, Lincoln. Whose father was a British citizen (arguably, being born at the height of the Revolution), so WHERES THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

  26. LionelHutzEsq

    Growing up in the United States, Huckabees' view of the American Revolution is decidedly anti-British.

    What is wrong with the man?

  27. Redhead

    And one thing that I do know is his (Huckabee's) having grown up in Arkansas, his view of logic and reasoning, for example, very different than any person with more brain cells than Trig.

      1. Schmannnity

        Actually, it's "Thank God for Mississippi." Otherwise, it would be dead last in everything.

  28. LionelHutzEsq

    But then if you think about it, his Huckabee's perspective as growing up in Kenya Arkansas with a Kenyan Arkansan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution War of Northern Aggression in Kenya the United States is very different than ours sane people's because he probably grew up hearing that the British North were a bunch of imperialists socialist who persecuted his grandfather.

    1. Slim_Pickins

      This is truly inspired! My only quibble is that it was probably his great, great grandfather that was oppressed. (Or maybe his great, great great grandpapy, given Arkansans proclivity for early fornication).

  29. TanzbodenKoenig

    I liek Huckabee, eh's a pretty cool guy. He slanders teh President, and is not afraid of anything.

  30. Steverino247

    The Mau Mau Oath (according to Huckabee):

    I, Barack Obama, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

  31. blogslut

    Poor Mike. It's that awful Ann Dunham's fault. If she had just gone to Jesus school and married some nice white minister, she wouldn't have led a life so confusing to a simple boy with a glandular condition.

  32. V572625694

    Huck, Huck, dial the crazee down a notch or two until you complete your life's mission of denying the nomination to Mittens. After that, anything goes.

  33. ttommyunger

    I can just imagine President Huckabee incorporating the Cracker Barrel Menu for all State Dinners and all of us wondering what breed of White House Dog his son will strangle next. Good times!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      But will he pick the dry as dust cornbread or the muffins that stick in your gut like lead? Enquiring colons want to know.

    2. Schmannnity

      Strangling aside, would be nice to see a Coondog or Bloodhound instead of Bush's Scotty or Obama's Portuguese Water dog.

      1. ttommyunger

        Or better yet, a pound dog of no particular pedigree right out of the DC Pound, or even better, TWO.

  34. MinAgain

    We already had one president who was practically dating the British prime minister. We don't need another one.

  35. aguacatero

    One big takeaway I had from the excellent FDR bio, "Traitor to His Class": FDR had quiet contempt for Churchill's ugly, racist, imperialist side and was constantly refusing to legitimize the Brits in India. (Also, FDR distinguished, in terms of their congruence with US interests, between Churchill's war aims of (1) saving Europe from totalitarian domination, and (2) preserving the Empire).

  36. Lazy Media

    That traitor Obama! Trading in a bust of American hero Winston Churchill for one of that weirdo foreign commie Abraham Lincoln! He makes me SO MAD!!!11!!!11Eleven!1

  37. alaninthecastro

    Huckabee's spokesman says Huckabee mis-spoke, confusing Kenya with Indonesia (a common problem — both have brown people!). He meant to say that, having spent ages 7-10 in Indonesia, the young Obama developed a highly critical analysis of Dutch imperialism, and consequently views the War of Spanish Succession in a much different light than real Americans.

    1. problemwithcaring

      So does that mean Obama grew up with his "Indonesian" father and grandfather in Hawaii or that he grew up with his Kenyan father and grandfather in Indonesia?

      1. alaninthecastro

        As Obama has made clear many times, it means he grew up on the planet Krypton, with his father, Jor-El.

    2. not that Dewey

      And then Obama returned that bust of Willem Drees, causing much consternation among conservatives.

  38. Mahousu

    Random Wikipedia quote: [E]lectric shock was widely used, as well as cigarettes and fire. The screening teams whipped, shot, burned and mutilated Mau Mau suspects, ostensibly to gather intelligence for military operations and as court evidence.

    Yes, I suppose the Kenyans might have had a slightly different viewpoint on this from the British.

  39. Snarke_Diem

    I can't believe that HUCK wasted a perfectly good opportunity to snark on Barack and Michelle for not getting an invite to William and Kate's wedding. I mean, only royals are being invited, no other world leaders, but the facts never stop the HUCKSTER.

  40. MadBrahms

    "Ah, yes, a bust of the man whose colonial forces *literally tortured my grandfather*, literally. That'll go great over there by the ficus."

  41. LetUsBray

    I'd love to know more about Hucklenuts' crackpot religion. What I know is troubling enough.

  42. gullywompr

    I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

  43. Slim_Pickins

    There are two parts to the Huck's claim: 1. Obama was raised by his father and grandfather, 2. In Kenya. So by claiming that he was raised in Kenya was a simple misstatement, his flacs have cereated a logical contradiction, which shouldn't be a problem for a birther since there is no evidence his father and grandfather were ever not in Indonesia, that in and of itself is evidence that they were there. QED

    I think Obama's real problem is he spent much of his adult life in Chicago, which does not have Walmarts. Who can you be a true American if you don't shop at Walmart?

  44. XOhioan

    DAMN! They are GOOD! Huckles did that meme connector in record time:
    1. Barack Obama grew up in Kenya (truth not required)
    2. His father and grandfather were Kenyan
    3. The Mau Mau revolution (which featured well-publicized atrocities against whites) was in Kenya
    4. Barack rejects conservative love-object, Winston Churchill.

    Take-away: Barack Obama will kill white people and is also a fascist.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Is the reason the conservatives love Churchill [full disclosure: I graduated from Winston Churchill High School in Texas (!)] so much because he bombed and gassed Iraqis back in the 1920s? It's just a guess.

  45. chascates

    The Churchill bust was on loan from the British government. They offered to let Obama keep it but he declined, saying he preferred a bust of an America, Abraham Lincoln.

    Bush was loaned the bust after 9/11 and he thenceforth compared himself to Churchill. I think that's why Barry didn't want Winston staring at him in his office.

  46. Negropolis

    Translation: He's not one of us. **wink, wink**

    That is all kinds of tangled racism and xenophobia, right there.

    Southern Baptists are the best Baptists.

  47. zhubajie

    Lots of Britons don't like Churchill. That's why they voted him out, as soon as they could, post-WW II.

  48. weejee

    Looks like thinkin' not gonna be part of the Grand Olde Party's party in 12.

    Nope, just go into the political barn, reach down and grab a pile of whatever and fling it at the barn wall. If it sticks, you got yer shtick. If not, ramble around for another nice pile, scoop it up, fling away, and see if this time you get a sticky shtick. In computer terms this is what is known as an endless doo loop and I mean every oh.

  49. SilverTsunami

    But he did live in Indonesia for a while. It's in his book. You know, the one that other guy wrote.

  50. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes and Mittens, too…remember Fuckabee and Mittens hate each other so in a competition to pander for lunatics Mittens will don one of the English safari hats, grasp a 30 ought 6 and proclaim he's going hunting to stop that Kenyan from ruining America…. your move, Huckster.

  51. Negropolis

    I know that's right; Bush played Blair like he did his ex-girlfriends. It was really kind of pitiful.

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