GOTTA GET PAID  1:04 pm March 1, 2011

Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show

by Ken Layne

Because attention whoring on the teevee for a few weeks will not pay your grocery bills for the next five years like this PAC will!Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage! Maybe even a few hundred bucks! And she would just say whatever popped up in her weird head — masturbation, “dates” beneath Satanic alters, other witch issues. But, apparently, Christine O’Donnell had a brief moment of self-awareness today and sent out this press release saying she wouldn’t continue her reality-teevee comedy career by appearing as the “new Bristol Palin” on the program Dancing With the Stars. The press release was actually just an email from her ridiculous attempt at starting a Political Action Committee to pay her mortgage and Zappos’ bills. Wait a minute, could these things be related in some way?

With O’Donnell, the “tea party” finally got a semi-telegenic new personality who was so vapid and idiotic that not even Fox News offered her a talking-head contract. At least Sarah Palin got elected to local and state office, right? Because Sarah Palin understood she would have to look like she had done something in life before she could cash in and become Alaska’s insane Queen of Mean, on Facebook. O’Donnell has actually never done anything, not in her entire life — unless you count serving a couple times as Bill Maher’s airhead comic relief, about 15 years ago.

So now that the Delaware Masturbation Witch is once again standing at the chasm of another several decades of life without any ability to make a living, she listened to the only people keeping her from homelessness (her Facebook fans who send her a few bucks now and then on the Paypal). And those people said she should not do Dancing With the Stars because that would, if it’s even possible, further reduce her human dignity/ability to get a few people to contribute to her PAC so she can still go to Olive Garden now and then.

February 28, 2011 8:30 PM (Wilmington, Delaware) — Christine O’Donnell released the following statement on her decision to decline the opportunity to participate on Season 12 of Dancing with the Stars:

“I’m honored to have been invited to participate in one of the few uplifting TV shows out there. The physical challenge made it all the more appealing. Meeting challenges head-on makes us stronger. Yet, for now, I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

“Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time. It’s humbling to have an opportunity to write a book that tells their story.

“It is my hope that this book will serve as a clarion call to my fellow citizen-activists by taking the reader beyond petitions and protests and articulating not just what we should do, but why we must do it.

“My goal is for the book and the new PAC I’m starting to serve as resources to activate and motivate those in this middle-class movement who worked so hard to launch the new revolution. If either of these projects were further along, I would be lacing up my dancing shoes right now.”

Most sincerely,

Christine O’Donnell

Uhh, we just did an image search for Dancing With the Stars, and none of the women have laces on their shoes. God, what is wrong with her? [Christine PAC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 135 comments }

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"clarion call" = "dog whistle"

smokefilledroommate March 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

"supper triangle"

chicken_thief March 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Speaking of triangles – did she mow that snatch thatch yet?

MoeDeLawn March 1, 2011 at 2:05 pm

She must obey me: Moe De Lawn!

bflrtsplk March 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm

clarion call = dinner bell

V572625694 March 1, 2011 at 1:06 pm

She probably was afraid they'd make her wear a costume that would reveal the secret shame of her hairiness "down there."

And ha ha, "Bill Maher's comic relief." Good one!

Oblios_Cap March 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

So it's going to be either a pop-up book or a coloring book?

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

manga.

OneDollarJuana March 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

What's the problem? Three pages, max. "I ran" "I said stupid shit" "I lost, big time"

Fare la Volpe March 1, 2011 at 1:32 pm

That's not the way she remembers it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO-qNf00kvw

user-of-owls March 1, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Scratch 'n Sniff.

nounverb911 March 1, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Cook book.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

hellbabe March 1, 2011 at 10:12 pm

the challenge is to find someone who will ghost write it for a couple of oreos and half a flat beer.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Give her time, she'll be back…

Fare la Volpe March 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Like herpes.

OneDollarJuana March 1, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Like Newt . Oh, same thing.

Ducksworthy March 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

If you mean pus filled vesicles on the genital mucosa, then yes.

user-of-owls March 1, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Oh, "back."

I thought you said, "she'll be on her back."

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 1, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Only if there's a Satanic altar near by.

chickensmack March 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Then she turned off her laptop, laid down on someone's couch, and went to sleep.

JadedDissonance March 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time.

For some reason, the "This is because" line evokes the archetype of a highschool dropout trying to type a letter of intent on the basement couch.

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Darlin', you're the north side of 40, probably not in the best of shape to be going on a dance show. Plus, you and your partner would probably get all tangled up in that fecund growth twixt your legs and go splat on national TV. You probably made a good decision, for once.

bumfug March 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Not in the best of shape? Next to Kirstie Alley she'd look like Isadora Duncan! Hmm, maybe I'll send her that scarf my sister knitted me for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Negropolis March 2, 2011 at 1:35 am

You forgot Wendy "Godzilla" Williams. How she'll be light on her feet being that top heavy will be quite a sight.

bumfug March 2, 2011 at 1:49 am

I always thought she looked like a tranny; fucking RuPaul looks more authentic.

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Dancing? That sin lies along the path that leads to the evils of masturbation, fornication and cohabitation, woman!

MinAgain March 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

She's only declining to participate, because the DWtS people wouldn't let her dance skyclad, as all the best witches do.

ManchuCandidate March 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I guess they wouldn't let her dance in a ladybug suit.

Smitros March 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Dang. And that was precisely what I was hoping to see.

baconzgood March 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I'll find Dancing With the Stars difficult to masterbate to now.

Barbara_i March 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I just read that Kirstie Alley is going to be on this season. I don't even have a penis and I can feel something turtling up inside of me at the thought.

baconzgood March 1, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Verrrrrry difficult now.

Oblios_Cap March 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Mayve she can go on Dirty Jobs and let Mike Rowe give her a Brazilian…

OneDollarJuana March 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Actually, I was thinking of the large animal veterinarian episode.

prommie March 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I would pay for that one. I really would, they could make that a pay-per-view event, and I would pay to see Mike Rowe give this lady a brazillian. You know she has the caged monkey going on, the full Demi Moore horror show.

jus_wonderin March 1, 2011 at 3:19 pm

A thatched hut on the plains of the Serengeti?

Schmannnity March 1, 2011 at 4:09 pm

May be a job for Axe Men

Barbara_i March 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"to get a few people to contribute to her PAC so she can still go to Olive Garden now and then." She likes to call her contributors her endless "soup, salad and bread stick" meal.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] March 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Well, duh! Everyone knows that Xtine is only interested in dancing with herself.

GuyClinch March 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Turning down Dancing with the Stars to focus on your book? Come on, Christine, we all know you're holding out for "Flavor of Love" so you can get funky with Flavor Flav.

chascates March 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Plus she dances like Kathryn Jean Lopez.

trampndirtdown March 1, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Drunk and crying?

LionelHutzEsq March 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Great. Now what am I going to maturbate to on TV?

Fare la Volpe March 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Scrambled porn, just like any other decent, red-blooded American.

prommie March 1, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Scrambled pron? Damn, thats downright 70s, its so old. Red-blooded American's fap to YouPorn, now. And there is always Fleshbot!

And there is always that Denise Richards reality show, whats it called, "hot old bimbo?"

Fare la Volpe March 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

My fellow citizen-activists

Is that what the Koch bros are calling themselves these days?

Chillwaver March 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Oh, Christine… Real Grifters™ always start something and then quit half way (or lose). You are not even trying, darling!

bitchincamaro2 March 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I've decided to "sponsor" her future commercial endeavors by donating to her account in that micro-lending bank, Skiva. Now the bitch owes me.

Schmannnity March 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Not enough Satanic worship dances.

LionelHutzEsq March 1, 2011 at 1:48 pm

She turned them down after she found out that she couldn't kill a goat at the end of her dance.

Guppy06 March 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Paying unwed teenaged mothers to dance is now "uplifting?" I have a fantastic new business model to explore! Wait until the zoning board hears about this!

OneYieldRegular March 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

On the bright side, this opens up a DWTS slot for Rand Paul.

nounverb911 March 1, 2011 at 1:33 pm

and his mother Ayn.

NorthStarSpanx March 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm

He says he's perfectly happy to go back to being a government doctor, he's trying his best as a freshman Senator to get his constituency to arrive at Buyers Remorse – the way Wisconsinites are now.

SayItWithWookies March 1, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Rand declined on account of having two right feet.

LionelHutzEsq March 1, 2011 at 3:20 pm

But who will dance to Aqua Buddha now?

nounverb911 March 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"It’s humbling to have an opportunity to write a book that tells their story."
Another million monkeys, another million typewriters, are there really that many monkeys left?

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times."

Stupid monkey, try again!!

mavenmaven March 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time. "

Finally, the endless discrimination against rich white people has come to an end and rich white people were given the vote.
Also, thanks to the repubs, foreign money found itself engaged in our civic process for the first time.

beer4prez March 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I thought she had gone away.

ManchuCandidate March 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
And any old PAC will do

I want some millions of dollars
I wanna never stop running
Get a brazillian (wax) and TV time
Yeah, I guess I want a job
All the men come to these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
And any old PAC will do

smokefilledroommate March 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Funny hairy clown tries to be serious book clown; rejects offer to be beloved teevee dancing clown.

SheriffRoscoe March 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage!

Pudding cups!

prommie March 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm

That would be a great nickname for the kind of nice, friendly, slightly chubby girl that everyone in the dorm has sex with but noone wants to be seen with.

prommie March 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I'm going to send out a press release just to give the press ample warning that I am not going to accept the Best Actor Oscar next year when it is awarded to me.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Yet, for now, I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

Google tells me that there are 733,000 results for poop art.

Already.
~

jim89048 March 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I can't decide if this proves she is, or is not, a babtist.

owhatever March 1, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Everyday Americans must now turn to Sharon Angle or Meg Whitman to fill Bristol's dancing slippers. They must pack on a few more pounds first.

LabRodent March 1, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"One of the few uplifting shows on television" will be shouted by
the masses in the year 2525. God help us all.

Extemporanus March 1, 2011 at 1:33 pm

The news that Christine O'Donnell will not be appearing on Dancing with the Stars I'm sure is in no way related to the fact that Christine O'Donnell can't dance and is not a star.

Oblios_Cap March 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Like that stopped BrisTool!

Extemporanus March 1, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Tush-é!

baconzgood March 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

A book about the 2010 election…..If I taught a political science class and some one turned a paper on the 2010 election I'd give them a D. It really wasn't that significant of an election. It was a mid-term.

SayItWithWookies March 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Hey, she did accomplish at least one thing — she got a Democrat elected to the Senate.

bumfug March 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

She's afraid people will notice that she has, incredibly, less class than Bristol.

widestanceroman March 1, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Who's gonna make Brisket look thin now?

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:32 am

Willow

metamarcisf March 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

So this is her way of rejecting them before they could reject her, adding even more humilation to her sorry life. On the other hand, Maher still has a few shows left to do – she'd be great

PublicLuxury March 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

When I see Xtine, I want, nay need to masturbate.

hollywooddood March 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm

She can't hide her gigantic ass in those dancing costumes. And she's shithouse stupid, also.

JoshuaNorton March 1, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Dancing With the Stars

If ever a show could be sued for false advertising..

Of course, if they were truthful and called it "Dancing with the World's Biggest Nobodies" it would never have made it past the first season.

More of a "Who's That?" than a "Who's Who".

SayItWithWookies March 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Are you saying Ralph Macchio isn't a star? All I'm saying is that neutron stars count too — you know, they're the burned-out husks of once-bright stars that are now spinning darkly in a vacuum, recognizable by their occasional shots of noise.

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Now many of the people who've appeared on that shows were stars. Sure, they were stars a long, long time ago; but they still were famous, once.

bordo2 March 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Who is writing Christine O'Donnell's book? I hope it's the same idiot who wrote Sarah Palin's book. Lord knows this empty-headed kook cannot string more than four words together.

Texan_Bulldog March 1, 2011 at 1:49 pm

What about the poor slob who has to write Brisket Palin's memoirs?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/01/bristol-

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:33 am

Maybe someone's come up with a computer program to write pols' books. Take all the cliches from the other pols' books and put them together randomly!

Come here a minute March 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Wait a minute…

Uh, no, that's not what we pay Wonkette for. If Wonkette had waited before publishing the Louisiana statue/Wikipedia story, it wouldn't have received that fabulous email from the Louisiana lobbyist/ombudsman.

LionelHutzEsq March 1, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Poor, poor Christine. Still holding out for the remake of Bewitched.

Swampgas_Man March 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm

OK, but could someone PLEEEEEEASE explain WTF any of this has to do w/ Jack Skellington on her PAC frontpage?

Native_of_SL_UT March 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I'm pretty sure that appearing on DWTS would have hurt her chances to be on The Biggest Loser.

outragedcitizen March 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

"Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight." The Joker

Allmighty_Manos March 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Isn't she in major debt? I think a bankputcy judge should force to participate.

Native_of_SL_UT March 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

And speaking of "Reality TV", whatever happened to Fox's "Who Wants to Fuck My Sister?" I thought for sure that would be on by now.

Steverino247 March 1, 2011 at 2:09 pm

It's on right after, "You Want to Fuck My Mother, Mister? She's a Virgin!" at 9 o'clock.

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:35 am

With tips on how to fake virginity?

FlownOver March 1, 2011 at 2:25 pm

And here's your host, Trig Palin!

Swampgas_Man March 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

OK, I'll grant you all of this if only SOMEBODY can please explain WTF Jack Skellington is doing on her PAC frontpage!

Pragmatist2 March 1, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Garrison Keillor syas that Lutherans are opposed to people having sex standing up because it might lead to dancing. Probably this is related to that.

timbo71351 March 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

That dumb bitch wasn't any more asked to be on Dancing With the Stars than I was.

Captain_Quark March 1, 2011 at 2:06 pm

The real reason is that Christine O'Donnell is actually a transvestite, and trannies only dance in solo routines. How do we know that Christine is a tranny? Well, the stage name "Christine O'Donnel" is an anagram of "Neil N. Christnoodle". And if you check the Book of Revelation, you'll see that the advent of the end times involves "The noodle of Christ, rising to smite the unbelievers who have defiled the holy city and followed the Kenyan Usurper Antichrist."

The thought of a rising, throbbing noodle of Christ dancing on prime time TV would, however, be quite a sight.

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:35 am

Is that in the Pastafarian Bible?

Gopherit March 1, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Jesus Christ. Why can't we get any of these scumbag, lying fraudsters IN JAIL? Shut up, Christine! Shutupshutupshutupshutup!

There. I feel a little better.

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many American high-profile media figures are self-important egotistical dumbasses with no knowledge of history who are quick to engage in hyperbole to exaggerate their own importance, and many everyday Americans are morons who believe what these people say.

NorthStarSpanx March 1, 2011 at 2:23 pm

". . .motivate those in this middle-class movement who worked so hard to launch the new revolution," only to have the wingnut rooky leaders roll back their collective bargaining rights.

I sure hope they don't catch on before my book goes on sale. . .

user-of-owls March 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Christine plans to adapt Mssr. Storm's alibi in a more gender-appropriate way.

It involves lunch in the park, a dropped bratwurst that slips inter her underwear and the inexplicable lodging of said wurst six inches into her bush.

Weenus299 March 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Well, I hope she uses this occasion to drag her deep woods vagina all o'er America, with some sort of motorhome tour tee vee show.

Oh wait, we have Larry the Cable Guy for that shit.

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:37 am

Televangelist, on TBN late at night.

BornInATrailer March 1, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Welcome to the Cankle Show

gurukalehuru March 1, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Speaking of DWTS, the title of Bristol Palin's memoir (Not Afraid to Suck) has been revealed. That's the subject of my latest blog at http://www.gurukalehuru.com

Barbara_i March 1, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Her book should have been called "Chicken Soup for the Knocked-Up, Drop-Out Soul" or "Shit My Mom Says"

Ancient_Hackery March 1, 2011 at 2:19 pm

A book? Just yesterday, saw SP's "America by Heart" book at the thrift store. Got the pic right here on my dumbass phone. Somebody actually bought that tome and recycled it in a New York minute!

Christine's book might surpass that record.

GOPCrusher March 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Glad to know that I'm not the only person that shops at Dollar General.

buford2k10 March 1, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Darn, Does anyone have a un-mutilated, unstained photo of her? I was planning a whole season of bliss.

tiredalways March 1, 2011 at 2:22 pm

This is definitely good news for Todd Palin.

FlownOver March 1, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Would that be Jonathan "Satanic" Alter?

tiredalways March 1, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I am not sure why nobody has mentioned the word 'Witch' so far and so, even though there is absolutely no context to the topic whatsoever ~ here we go 'WITCH'

tiredalways March 1, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Knowing her, she might be planning a presidential run herself..

tiredalways March 1, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I think she is getting ready for the next season of Bachelor or Bachelorette considering how she is 'THE VIRGIN' out there am sure guys would love her.

Snarke_Diem March 1, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Christine ain't no Brisket.

She's you.

SanfordandSon11 March 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Shouldn't this person be in prison by now?

GOPCrusher March 1, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Not sure which is sadder.
The fact that DWTS is going into it's 12th season or some publishing company is going to pay Brisket Palin to write her memoirs.
Eating a 9mm bullet sounds better every day.

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I just saw the announced line-up of "stars", and they are so irrelevant Christine would fit right in. There's only four I've heard of, and three of them have not done anything since the 1980 or early 90s.

Flat_Earther March 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Can we assume that her announcement about being invited to DWTS was premature? I am betting yes.

Flat_Earther March 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Would she have waxed the beaver if she had gotten on the show?

MissTaken March 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I'm not a dancer.

I'm you.

Bezoar March 1, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I think I learned 2 things reading this post;
1 – Bill Maher is to Christine as John McCain is to Sarah, and
2 – Christine is to Sarah as Salieri is to Mozart

Did I get that right?

Zombie_Reagan March 1, 2011 at 4:12 pm

How on Earth is this woman's PAC still active?

(and by "PAC" I don't mean "vagina".)

ttommyunger March 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

The real reasons:
She walks like she's behind a fucking plow, fer Chrissakes.
She's built for Pro Football, not Pro Dancing.
She has no rhythm whatsoever, being exceptionally and fatally white.
She is fearful of falling; which would require sliding her over a manhole to get her on her feet again.
She was not actually invited, except in her own mind.

zhubajie March 2, 2011 at 7:42 am

Maybe like she's pulling the plow?

ttommyunger March 2, 2011 at 11:08 am

She's got the glutes for it, fer sure!

JackObin March 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I remember when most aspiring dancers had long, thin, "dancers" legs. Now they seem to be shaped like Larry Csonka.

sportshort March 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

If this airhead bubble wrap is so against Big Government, stay out of it.

trampndirtdown March 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm

I have a sad now. i was hoping to watch Xtine follow in the hammer's footsteps, go on dancing show, then go to prison for fraud.

rocktonsam March 1, 2011 at 10:53 pm

good decision hun.

finally some integrity.

Negropolis March 2, 2011 at 1:37 am

She can't dance, because as a witch, she'd enchant on television, and that'd be too obvious.

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