gotta get paid

Christine O’Donnell Bravely Refuses To Be On TeeVee Dancing Show

Because attention whoring on the teevee for a few weeks will not pay your grocery bills for the next five years like this PAC will!Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage! Maybe even a few hundred bucks! And she would just say whatever popped up in her weird head — masturbation, “dates” beneath Satanic alters, other witch issues. But, apparently, Christine O’Donnell had a brief moment of self-awareness today and sent out this press release saying she wouldn’t continue her reality-teevee comedy career by appearing as the “new Bristol Palin” on the program Dancing With the Stars. The press release was actually just an email from her ridiculous attempt at starting a Political Action Committee to pay her mortgage and Zappos’ bills. Wait a minute, could these things be related in some way?

With O’Donnell, the “tea party” finally got a semi-telegenic new personality who was so vapid and idiotic that not even Fox News offered her a talking-head contract. At least Sarah Palin got elected to local and state office, right? Because Sarah Palin understood she would have to look like she had done something in life before she could cash in and become Alaska’s insane Queen of Mean, on Facebook. O’Donnell has actually never done anything, not in her entire life — unless you count serving a couple times as Bill Maher’s airhead comic relief, about 15 years ago.

So now that the Delaware Masturbation Witch is once again standing at the chasm of another several decades of life without any ability to make a living, she listened to the only people keeping her from homelessness (her Facebook fans who send her a few bucks now and then on the Paypal). And those people said she should not do Dancing With the Stars because that would, if it’s even possible, further reduce her human dignity/ability to get a few people to contribute to her PAC so she can still go to Olive Garden now and then.

February 28, 2011 8:30 PM (Wilmington, Delaware) — Christine O’Donnell released the following statement on her decision to decline the opportunity to participate on Season 12 of Dancing with the Stars:

“I’m honored to have been invited to participate in one of the few uplifting TV shows out there. The physical challenge made it all the more appealing. Meeting challenges head-on makes us stronger. Yet, for now, I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

“Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time. It’s humbling to have an opportunity to write a book that tells their story.

“It is my hope that this book will serve as a clarion call to my fellow citizen-activists by taking the reader beyond petitions and protests and articulating not just what we should do, but why we must do it.

“My goal is for the book and the new PAC I’m starting to serve as resources to activate and motivate those in this middle-class movement who worked so hard to launch the new revolution. If either of these projects were further along, I would be lacing up my dancing shoes right now.”

Most sincerely,

Christine O’Donnell

Uhh, we just did an image search for Dancing With the Stars, and none of the women have laces on their shoes. God, what is wrong with her? [Christine PAC]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  • BaldarTFlagass

    "clarion call" = "dog whistle"

    • smokefilledroommate

      "supper triangle"

      • chicken_thief

        Speaking of triangles – did she mow that snatch thatch yet?

        • MoeDeLawn

          She must obey me: Moe De Lawn!

    • bflrtsplk

      clarion call = dinner bell

  • V572625694

    She probably was afraid they'd make her wear a costume that would reveal the secret shame of her hairiness "down there."

    And ha ha, "Bill Maher's comic relief." Good one!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

    So it's going to be either a pop-up book or a coloring book?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      manga.

    • OneDollarJuana

      What's the problem? Three pages, max. "I ran" "I said stupid shit" "I lost, big time"

    • user-of-owls

      Scratch 'n Sniff.

    • nounverb911

      Cook book.

      Double, double toil and trouble;
      Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

      Fillet of a fenny snake,
      In the cauldron boil and bake;
      Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
      Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
      Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
      Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,
      For a charm of powerful trouble,
      Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

    • hellbabe

      the challenge is to find someone who will ghost write it for a couple of oreos and half a flat beer.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Give her time, she'll be back…

    • Fare la Volpe

      Like herpes.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Like Newt . Oh, same thing.

        • Ducksworthy

          If you mean pus filled vesicles on the genital mucosa, then yes.

    • user-of-owls

      Oh, "back."

      I thought you said, "she'll be on her back."

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Only if there's a Satanic altar near by.

  • chickensmack

    Then she turned off her laptop, laid down on someone's couch, and went to sleep.

    • JadedDissonance

      Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time.

      For some reason, the "This is because" line evokes the archetype of a highschool dropout trying to type a letter of intent on the basement couch.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Darlin', you're the north side of 40, probably not in the best of shape to be going on a dance show. Plus, you and your partner would probably get all tangled up in that fecund growth twixt your legs and go splat on national TV. You probably made a good decision, for once.

    • bumfug

      Not in the best of shape? Next to Kirstie Alley she'd look like Isadora Duncan! Hmm, maybe I'll send her that scarf my sister knitted me for Christmas a couple of years ago.

      • Negropolis

        You forgot Wendy "Godzilla" Williams. How she'll be light on her feet being that top heavy will be quite a sight.

        • bumfug

          I always thought she looked like a tranny; fucking RuPaul looks more authentic.

  • SorosBot

    Dancing? That sin lies along the path that leads to the evils of masturbation, fornication and cohabitation, woman!

  • MinAgain

    She's only declining to participate, because the DWtS people wouldn't let her dance skyclad, as all the best witches do.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I guess they wouldn't let her dance in a ladybug suit.

    • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

      Dang. And that was precisely what I was hoping to see.

  • baconzgood

    I'll find Dancing With the Stars difficult to masterbate to now.

    • Barbara_i

      I just read that Kirstie Alley is going to be on this season. I don't even have a penis and I can feel something turtling up inside of me at the thought.

      • baconzgood

        Verrrrrry difficult now.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Mayve she can go on Dirty Jobs and let Mike Rowe give her a Brazilian…

    • OneDollarJuana

      Actually, I was thinking of the large animal veterinarian episode.

    • prommie

      I would pay for that one. I really would, they could make that a pay-per-view event, and I would pay to see Mike Rowe give this lady a brazillian. You know she has the caged monkey going on, the full Demi Moore horror show.

      • jus_wonderin

        A thatched hut on the plains of the Serengeti?

    • Schmannnity

      May be a job for Axe Men

  • Barbara_i

    "to get a few people to contribute to her PAC so she can still go to Olive Garden now and then." She likes to call her contributors her endless "soup, salad and bread stick" meal.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Well, duh! Everyone knows that Xtine is only interested in dancing with herself.

  • GuyClinch

    Turning down Dancing with the Stars to focus on your book? Come on, Christine, we all know you're holding out for "Flavor of Love" so you can get funky with Flavor Flav.

  • chascates

    Plus she dances like Kathryn Jean Lopez.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Drunk and crying?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Great. Now what am I going to maturbate to on TV?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Scrambled porn, just like any other decent, red-blooded American.

      • prommie

        Scrambled pron? Damn, thats downright 70s, its so old. Red-blooded American's fap to YouPorn, now. And there is always Fleshbot!

        And there is always that Denise Richards reality show, whats it called, "hot old bimbo?"

  • Fare la Volpe

    My fellow citizen-activists

    Is that what the Koch bros are calling themselves these days?

  • Chillwaver

    Oh, Christine… Real Grifters™ always start something and then quit half way (or lose). You are not even trying, darling!

  • bitchincamaro2

    I've decided to "sponsor" her future commercial endeavors by donating to her account in that micro-lending bank, Skiva. Now the bitch owes me.

  • Schmannnity

    Not enough Satanic worship dances.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      She turned them down after she found out that she couldn't kill a goat at the end of her dance.

  • Guppy06

    Paying unwed teenaged mothers to dance is now "uplifting?" I have a fantastic new business model to explore! Wait until the zoning board hears about this!

  • OneYieldRegular

    On the bright side, this opens up a DWTS slot for Rand Paul.

    • nounverb911

      and his mother Ayn.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        He says he's perfectly happy to go back to being a government doctor, he's trying his best as a freshman Senator to get his constituency to arrive at Buyers Remorse – the way Wisconsinites are now.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Rand declined on account of having two right feet.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        But who will dance to Aqua Buddha now?

  • nounverb911

    "It’s humbling to have an opportunity to write a book that tells their story."
    Another million monkeys, another million typewriters, are there really that many monkeys left?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times."

      Stupid monkey, try again!!

  • mavenmaven

    "This is because so many everyday Americans found themselves engaged in the civic process for the very first time. "

    Finally, the endless discrimination against rich white people has come to an end and rich white people were given the vote.
    Also, thanks to the repubs, foreign money found itself engaged in our civic process for the first time.

  • beer4prez

    I thought she had gone away.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
    And any old PAC will do

    I want some millions of dollars
    I wanna never stop running
    Get a brazillian (wax) and TV time
    Yeah, I guess I want a job
    All the men come to these places
    And the men are all the same
    You don't look at their faces
    And you don't ask their names

    I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    I'm your private campaigner, a campaigner for money
    And any old PAC will do

  • smokefilledroommate

    Funny hairy clown tries to be serious book clown; rejects offer to be beloved teevee dancing clown.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Delaware clown-fish Christine O’Donnell used to go on the teevee all the time because hey, free snacks backstage!

    Pudding cups!

    • prommie

      That would be a great nickname for the kind of nice, friendly, slightly chubby girl that everyone in the dorm has sex with but noone wants to be seen with.

  • prommie

    I'm going to send out a press release just to give the press ample warning that I am not going to accept the Best Actor Oscar next year when it is awarded to me.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Yet, for now, I have another challenge before me; to complete a book that tells the story of the 2010 election cycle with the dignity and respect it deserves.

    Google tells me that there are 733,000 results for poop art.

    Already.
    ~

  • jim89048

    I can't decide if this proves she is, or is not, a babtist.

  • owhatever

    Everyday Americans must now turn to Sharon Angle or Meg Whitman to fill Bristol's dancing slippers. They must pack on a few more pounds first.

  • LabRodent

    "One of the few uplifting shows on television" will be shouted by
    the masses in the year 2525. God help us all.

  • Extemporanus

    The news that Christine O'Donnell will not be appearing on Dancing with the Stars I'm sure is in no way related to the fact that Christine O'Donnell can't dance and is not a star.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Like that stopped BrisTool!

      • Extemporanus

        Tush-é!

  • baconzgood

    A book about the 2010 election…..If I taught a political science class and some one turned a paper on the 2010 election I'd give them a D. It really wasn't that significant of an election. It was a mid-term.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, she did accomplish at least one thing — she got a Democrat elected to the Senate.

  • bumfug

    She's afraid people will notice that she has, incredibly, less class than Bristol.

  • widestanceroman

    Who's gonna make Brisket look thin now?

    • zhubajie

      Willow

  • metamarcisf

    So this is her way of rejecting them before they could reject her, adding even more humilation to her sorry life. On the other hand, Maher still has a few shows left to do – she'd be great

  • PublicLuxury

    When I see Xtine, I want, nay need to masturbate.

  • hollywooddood

    She can't hide her gigantic ass in those dancing costumes. And she's shithouse stupid, also.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Dancing With the Stars

    If ever a show could be sued for false advertising..

    Of course, if they were truthful and called it "Dancing with the World's Biggest Nobodies" it would never have made it past the first season.

    More of a "Who's That?" than a "Who's Who".

    • SayItWithWookies

      Are you saying Ralph Macchio isn't a star? All I'm saying is that neutron stars count too — you know, they're the burned-out husks of once-bright stars that are now spinning darkly in a vacuum, recognizable by their occasional shots of noise.

    • SorosBot

      Now many of the people who've appeared on that shows were stars. Sure, they were stars a long, long time ago; but they still were famous, once.

  • bordo2

    Who is writing Christine O'Donnell's book? I hope it's the same idiot who wrote Sarah Palin's book. Lord knows this empty-headed kook cannot string more than four words together.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      What about the poor slob who has to write Brisket Palin's memoirs?
      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/01/bristol-

    • zhubajie

      Maybe someone's come up with a computer program to write pols' books. Take all the cliches from the other pols' books and put them together randomly!

  • Come here a minute

    Wait a minute…

    Uh, no, that's not what we pay Wonkette for. If Wonkette had waited before publishing the Louisiana statue/Wikipedia story, it wouldn't have received that fabulous email from the Louisiana lobbyist/ombudsman.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Poor, poor Christine. Still holding out for the remake of Bewitched.

  • Swampgas_Man

    OK, but could someone PLEEEEEEASE explain WTF any of this has to do w/ Jack Skellington on her PAC frontpage?

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I'm pretty sure that appearing on DWTS would have hurt her chances to be on The Biggest Loser.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    "Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight." The Joker

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Isn't she in major debt? I think a bankputcy judge should force to participate.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    And speaking of "Reality TV", whatever happened to Fox's "Who Wants to Fuck My Sister?" I thought for sure that would be on by now.

    • Steverino247

      It's on right after, "You Want to Fuck My Mother, Mister? She's a Virgin!" at 9 o'clock.

      • zhubajie

        With tips on how to fake virginity?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And here's your host, Trig Palin!

  • Swampgas_Man

    OK, I'll grant you all of this if only SOMEBODY can please explain WTF Jack Skellington is doing on her PAC frontpage!

  • Pragmatist2

    Garrison Keillor syas that Lutherans are opposed to people having sex standing up because it might lead to dancing. Probably this is related to that.

  • timbo71351

    That dumb bitch wasn't any more asked to be on Dancing With the Stars than I was.

  • Captain_Quark

    The real reason is that Christine O'Donnell is actually a transvestite, and trannies only dance in solo routines. How do we know that Christine is a tranny? Well, the stage name "Christine O'Donnel" is an anagram of "Neil N. Christnoodle". And if you check the Book of Revelation, you'll see that the advent of the end times involves "The noodle of Christ, rising to smite the unbelievers who have defiled the holy city and followed the Kenyan Usurper Antichrist."

    The thought of a rising, throbbing noodle of Christ dancing on prime time TV would, however, be quite a sight.

    • zhubajie

      Is that in the Pastafarian Bible?

  • Gopherit

    Jesus Christ. Why can't we get any of these scumbag, lying fraudsters IN JAIL? Shut up, Christine! Shutupshutupshutupshutup!

    There. I feel a little better.

  • SorosBot

    Many referred to the 2010 elections, and all the activity leading up to them, as the start of the Second American Revolution. This is because so many American high-profile media figures are self-important egotistical dumbasses with no knowledge of history who are quick to engage in hyperbole to exaggerate their own importance, and many everyday Americans are morons who believe what these people say.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      ". . .motivate those in this middle-class movement who worked so hard to launch the new revolution," only to have the wingnut rooky leaders roll back their collective bargaining rights.

      I sure hope they don't catch on before my book goes on sale. . .

  • user-of-owls

    Christine plans to adapt Mssr. Storm's alibi in a more gender-appropriate way.

    It involves lunch in the park, a dropped bratwurst that slips inter her underwear and the inexplicable lodging of said wurst six inches into her bush.

  • Weenus299

    Well, I hope she uses this occasion to drag her deep woods vagina all o'er America, with some sort of motorhome tour tee vee show.

    Oh wait, we have Larry the Cable Guy for that shit.

    • zhubajie

      Televangelist, on TBN late at night.

  • BornInATrailer

    Welcome to the Cankle Show

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Speaking of DWTS, the title of Bristol Palin's memoir (Not Afraid to Suck) has been revealed. That's the subject of my latest blog at http://www.gurukalehuru.com

    • Barbara_i

      Her book should have been called "Chicken Soup for the Knocked-Up, Drop-Out Soul" or "Shit My Mom Says"

  • Ancient_Hackery

    A book? Just yesterday, saw SP's "America by Heart" book at the thrift store. Got the pic right here on my dumbass phone. Somebody actually bought that tome and recycled it in a New York minute!

    Christine's book might surpass that record.

    • GOPCrusher

      Glad to know that I'm not the only person that shops at Dollar General.

  • buford2k10

    Darn, Does anyone have a un-mutilated, unstained photo of her? I was planning a whole season of bliss.

  • tiredalways

    This is definitely good news for Todd Palin.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Would that be Jonathan "Satanic" Alter?

  • tiredalways

    I am not sure why nobody has mentioned the word 'Witch' so far and so, even though there is absolutely no context to the topic whatsoever ~ here we go 'WITCH'

  • tiredalways

    Knowing her, she might be planning a presidential run herself..

  • tiredalways

    I think she is getting ready for the next season of Bachelor or Bachelorette considering how she is 'THE VIRGIN' out there am sure guys would love her.

  • Snarke_Diem

    Christine ain't no Brisket.

    She's you.

  • SanfordandSon11

    Shouldn't this person be in prison by now?

  • GOPCrusher

    Not sure which is sadder.
    The fact that DWTS is going into it's 12th season or some publishing company is going to pay Brisket Palin to write her memoirs.
    Eating a 9mm bullet sounds better every day.

  • SorosBot

    I just saw the announced line-up of "stars", and they are so irrelevant Christine would fit right in. There's only four I've heard of, and three of them have not done anything since the 1980 or early 90s.

  • Flat_Earther

    Can we assume that her announcement about being invited to DWTS was premature? I am betting yes.

  • Flat_Earther

    Would she have waxed the beaver if she had gotten on the show?

  • MissTaken

    I'm not a dancer.

    I'm you.

  • Bezoar

    I think I learned 2 things reading this post;
    1 – Bill Maher is to Christine as John McCain is to Sarah, and
    2 – Christine is to Sarah as Salieri is to Mozart

    Did I get that right?

  • Zombie_Reagan

    How on Earth is this woman's PAC still active?

    (and by "PAC" I don't mean "vagina".)

  • ttommyunger

    The real reasons:
    She walks like she's behind a fucking plow, fer Chrissakes.
    She's built for Pro Football, not Pro Dancing.
    She has no rhythm whatsoever, being exceptionally and fatally white.
    She is fearful of falling; which would require sliding her over a manhole to get her on her feet again.
    She was not actually invited, except in her own mind.

    • zhubajie

      Maybe like she's pulling the plow?

      • ttommyunger

        She's got the glutes for it, fer sure!

  • JackObin

    I remember when most aspiring dancers had long, thin, "dancers" legs. Now they seem to be shaped like Larry Csonka.

  • sportshort

    If this airhead bubble wrap is so against Big Government, stay out of it.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    I have a sad now. i was hoping to watch Xtine follow in the hammer's footsteps, go on dancing show, then go to prison for fraud.

  • rocktonsam

    good decision hun.

    finally some integrity.

  • Negropolis

    She can't dance, because as a witch, she'd enchant on television, and that'd be too obvious.