Everyone stop planning your Herman Cain inauguration ball! The 2012 Republican race for president has a second candidate! According to “confidants close to the former House speaker” (mistresses?), Newt Gingrich will announce his decision to form a presidential exploratory committee by the end of this week, which is approximately only a little more than a decade since he was last actually relevant to politics. Any Republican primary voter wishing to cast his or her ballot for Newt will have to send him a $50 donation and bag of Reese’s peanut-butter cups to be eligible for his “Newt’s Basic-Level Voter Club.” A $200 donation will get you into the “Newt’s Eagle-Level Voter Club.” And the “Newt’s Running Mate” package costs $50,000 and the access to a young woman who will have a month-long affair with him.
His advisors say a Gingrich campaign would tout his accomplishments as Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999 – most importantly under his speakership the budget wasn’t just balanced but generated more than $400 biillion in surpluses.
“I will run on the platform Al Gore ran on twelve years ago, because it was successful then and is refreshingly new now.”
Here’s your next president, being presidential:
We can’t wait to hear his presidential speeches. They’re going to be full of plugs for his dumb books. “It’s sad that these school shooters murdered so many of this community’s children, but I like to think these kids got to read some of my speculative fiction about a Civil War whorehouse before they died. It’s available on Amazon.” [ABC News]
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"And the “Newt’s Running Mate” level costs $50,000 and access to a young woman who will have a month-long affair with him."
Time for a new wife Newt.
The current have cancer?
No, no… not yet. The pattern is Newt takes up with a new chickie poo, then current spouse gets sick, then Newt leaves her and remarries in an indecently short period of time.
Would someone explain to him that he doesn't have to marry every woman he fucks?
So, he's like a marital parasite, is what you're saying.
"announcing the decision to form a presidential exploratory committee" is just code for an unemployed Republican politician looking for cash handouts…
I think in Newt’s case, you mean “hand jobs”, not “handouts.”
You'd think Newt had done enough exploring in his time, with or without a committee. How likely is it that this committee's findings will be "HELL NO: WASTE OF $$$"?
What a horrible greasy suckwad. I hope he kept his filthy hands (and other appendages) off that baby polar bear.
The bear looks terrified. Mother?! The greasy man, he scares me.
He's saying to it "If I become prez you won't have to worry about living…EVER"
ahh government shutdown FTW!!! This is perfect timing, and good news for McCain, of course.
Whoppers® are also made by Hershey and you've told quite a few to your wives.
And BK's Triple Whoppers with cheese quake when he walks by. Of course, that's because his heft registers a 2.2 on the Richter scale every time he puts his foot down.
It's hard to see how Newt can fail to oust Hopey. He's got a lock on the Southerners, right-wingers and bigots. So there's 20 percent of the vote already.
I'd like to think we'd have to subtract the portion of that population who remembers the political landscape prior to 2000, but that would be wishful thinking.
All fourteen of them, judging from the 2010 electoral results.
Sure, he's loathsome, dishonest and callous enough to snag traditional conservatives, but I'm not sure he comes off as unhinged enough to claim the Teabagger vote.
He's proven he can unhinge with the best of them.
Why doesn't that cunt Callista ever get him the exact kind of candy he likes? She's such a fucking bitch. I totally wouldn't blame him one bit if he cheated on her.
How dare she wear something he doesn't like? Why can't she wear something like this tender little trollpe right here? See, that's sexy, Callista.
If?
Well, hell. Thanks for ruining the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup for me, Jack.
Somehow, being given a Reese's egg by Callista Flockhart seems even creepier.
i got some reese's peanut butter hearts on clearance at k-mart yesterday. I ate half the bag, but that only cost me as much as a quarter bag. and no that's not what I am talking about, stoners.
You eat half the bag because you are a stoner? And that is what I'm talking about.
If it's any consolation, Reese's are actually made in Mexico now.
On what Holiday does one eat a peanut-butter T-rex egg?
easter. baby jeebus rode one to school, and it is a reminder of the "permanent conservative majority."
It will take more than one holiday to eat a peanut butter T-rex egg.
Unless you're stoned… or so I've heard.
Too bad that polar bear cub wasn't named Mohel and coulda made Newtie a neuter.
This is what comes up when you Google "stupid things Newt Gingrich did".
http://mediamatters.org/research/201009130054
Shit, that's a long page . . .
How happy for Newt to have photographic evidence that there is, indeed, a creature whiter than he.
Today we're ALL someone who…
A) shuts down the government because we can't sit closer to Clinton on Air Force 1.
B) makes our wife sign divorce papers while she is in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery.
What? Calista put a peanut butter egg in his Hershey highway?
I'll never understand why people twitter this shit.
Sounds like Newtie is in to coprophilia.
Well, he does love the shit that comes flying out of his giant mouth.
Fish gotta swim, Twats gotta Tweet.
Funny that he's not touting his experience that he's most remembered for wasting everybody's time and money in a witch hunt against the President that ended up in a bullshit impeachment over a blowjob during which he was cheating on his second wife with Callista there in a repeat of what he did to his first wife.
But he did explain it, as I recall. His argument was, basically, that he was hypocritically going after Clinton for cheating while himself cheating on his wife because he, Newt, was more important than God. I find that persuasive.
And the serial adulterers and cancer victim abusers go running for the polls…
Of course the one most important thing to remember is that "Murica" doesn't elect fat people. Hear that Huckster, hear that tubby NJ governor?
We don't elect fat people. We eat them under the guise of "99 cent burrito"
Has Bristol okayed this yet?
Yes, we're just waiting on the Beib-ster now.
What kind of newt wears a suit and a tie
And frightens small children as he rushes by?
But we admit that his suit suits him good
Much more discreet than a sheet and a hood
A newt may be cold-blooded but he won't go to extremes
And you can trust a newt to be exactly what he seems
Newts are sorry if you're sad; they're happy if you're gay
But Gingrich is perverse, and worse, he's proud to be that way
Gingrich the Newt is puffed up like a toad
So full of himself that he's bound to explode
And then we'll raise up our tails in salute
A fitting tribute
To that horse's patoot
Gingrich the Newt
http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/austin-lounge-lizar...
His advisors say a Gingrich campaign would tout his accomplishments as Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999
I thought his "distant past" doesn't matter?
most importantly under his speakership the budget wasn’t just balanced but generated more than $400 biillion in surpluses.
This is a typo that represents the "j" taken out by the fact-checker.
He's going to party like it's 1994!
Great. I'll be fourteen again: competitive in my rotisserie baseball league, listening to Pearl Jam's Vs., & touting the brilliance of The Road to Wellville.
Kids.
Didn't failed, scandal-plagued political hacks used to fade into obscurity at some point? Since when does being a miserable bastard like Newt entitle you to a lifetime of besmirching the TeeVees with your pasty visage?
because he is the absolute worst and stupidest "history" professor in history?
Personally, I'm looking forward to a Gingrich/O'Donnell ticket.
I wish you were right, but I think this is a "be careful what you wish for…" type of ticket.
Rosie?
This is good news for Barack Obama.
It was time.
Every Republican who forms an Excavatory Committee is good news for that man.
"Infamy Newt"…good description.
this is good news for john mccain.
The new meme is: "This is great news… for Herman Cain!!!"
I bought 5,000 copies of his d*&% novel and he still wouldn't let me borrow his girlfriend, not even for one hour. Cheapskate.
He likes to hang on to his girlfriend. You should have asked for his wife – probably would have driven her over for you and said not to worry about giving her back.
If only that polar bear was a little bit older, 10 feet taller, and very, very hungry.
Jesus, he's getting sizeable. His next wife may have to lift his panniculus to suck him off.
"panniculus" – I <3 that!
His last wife went missing under there some time in 1999.
I upfist you so much for that funny.
Alas, we were both downfisted by the lurking troll. Why does he hate us so much? Is it because we don't share his taste in scat-play? One can only wonder.
It's because he hasn't been sexed by The Newt.
Best reason I've seen yet for shutting down the government.
Time to get some noise-canceling headphones if he's going to be out there any more than he already is. That smug little fat pig's voice just utterly kills my ears.
Then you'll absolutely love the primary debate season.
I wonder how much "Newt's Turkey-Level Voter Club" is?
$3.99 on white bread
'Announcing a decision to form an exploratory committee' is considered throwing your hat into the ring? Whatever happened to 'I'm running for President in 2012'?
It's been a century since America elected a big fat guy as president. Maybe Newt thinks it's an idea whose time has come again. Instead of electing someone who we'd like to be like, we'll elect someone we are like.
On the bright side, this may foretell a Too Much Joy reunion:
Didn't he give some kind of entrepeneurial award to a titty bar in Dallas a while back, with the same kind of result?
Certainly not! It was a "gentlemen's club".
I'd rather vote for a dinosaur that keeps Newt's skull in its office.
“I will run on the platform Al Gore ran on twelve years ago, because it was successful then . . .”
So, he's admitting Gore was the successful contender in 2000. 'Bout fucking time.
And, no, I can't let it go.
Can't wait to see all these assholes rip each other apart during the campaign.
Ripped assholes…how hawt
Considering Republicans have spent the past 10 years claiming there was never a surplus, he's going to have a rough time in the primaries.
Aren't there already something like 20 Reeps running in 2012?
How is FOX news going to choose its next blabbermouth, er, commentator, from all of the soon to be also rans? They can't hire *all* of them…
No, after this freak show of a primary, some of them will have to get a real job…you know, one with actual responsibilities…
Well, I can dream…
Hell – most of them already work for Faux in some stupid capacity or another
What does the Donald have to spew about this?
"forming a comittee" means "I need a dick…Dick Cheney, the only person with less of a heart than I."
His mother shoulda killed him as an eft.
zoology major, huh?
crossword puzzles!
Okay: Winglike, 4 letters, starts with 'a,' a word only used in crosswords?
alar.
I almost said "aunt", but that's one of the 4-letter words ending in "u-n-t" meaning female.
republicans: always restoring dignity to america.
"She turned me into a newt! . . . And I forgot how to get better."
It BELONGS in a MUSEUM.
It being both the T-Rex skull and Newt's career.
Newt just has to name Xtina as his running mate – because every witch need an eye of Newt…
This guy and his team aren't even creative enough to come up with themed donation levels – Basic, Eagle, and Running Mate?! WTF, Fig Newt? Maybe the plan is to save all the heavy thinking and good ideas until after the election?
With so much dirty laundry, he's a shoo-in. He is what passes for a deep thinker in the GOP-Fox-Tea Party.
I'm looking forward to this. This is going to be F.U.N., not FUN like parking your car on the side of the road and being obnoxious, but F.U.N. in that he will crush Sarah Palin. Old coot philanderer spanks Sarah on national teevee.
He likes Reese's peanut butter cups because they're from child slave labor.
Of course, those west African laborers have more emotional development than this one here. Will this be our first (admitted) special-needs president?
Is Xtine going to be his running mate? He will need some of her witchcraft to get his lazy white bread ass off the ground. Running on a failed career is always a good political choice.
Plus, it will allow her to get on the Grifter Gravy Train big time, like Sarah, also, too.
I think he can count on losing the Japanese vote.
The Newt announces he will explore running for president: Quick-cue the music: "Send in the clowns…don't bother, they're here…" Wait, wait. Must not insult clowns, clowns are nice people except that evil one who kills…send that one in…The Newt: Just when you said it couldn't get any lower than a scumbag, the ultimate scumbag announces…
Little Polar bear, you have the perfect chance to bite Newt in the balls. Do it.
And not a single fuck was given that day.
I have a slogan for him:
"Newt Gingrich: Too old to get it up anymore"
He's just trolling for the next Mrs. Newt.
I am about to announce the formation of an exploratory committee for my campaign for the Republican nomination. Like Newt I am overweight (although not close to the swollen rotundity of Gingrich). I have been married for over 20 years so I am far behind him in the all important "discarded wives" category. I do have some pretty dumb ideas though and would be happy to match them against whatever Newt is thinking about since it is always dumb.
On second thought I will skip it. Newt is too fat, too and too stupid for an ordinary citizen to catch up with.
It's gonna be Gingrich-itus til your teeth fall out! Oh, please, please, please let him be the R candidate. You darn tootin' I like that Newt 'un.
Oh, looks like the trolls have been stealing p-points again. Its either the Newt people or the anti-Japanese elements of the tea party.
I worked in Congress when he was Speaker of the House.
He was always placing his BFF's as expert witnesses in Committee hearings, got them to Washington to be all important like. We had to make them feel smart and act like they were such a big d'il.
It's fun to be important in Washington, D.C., especially when you are from Georgia.
They did not have a football helmet big enough for his fat head.
So now we all have to suffer.
My god, there's nothing worse than a "new convert." Newt is now more Catholic than the Vatican itself.
Gingrich: ". . . . a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
No wonder life feels so shallow. I've never even *seen* a giraffe.
Is there a Mistress Level Club? One where he pays for your apartment?
So now Newt is claiming responsibility for the surplus that the right vehemently denied ever existed from about, oh, 2000-2009?
Disconnected lizard guy still haz disconnect
I have a wholenew admiration for Newt now that I know he only swindles bigots.
Conservatives like my parents "forgave" Newt long ago for being such a pig with women, but would jump at the chance to give Bill Clinton a lethal injection for Monica Lewinsky. #gophypocrisy
If God really loves us, Newt will arrange for a mud wrestling cat fight between Palin and O'Donnell for the VP spot. Oh please. Oh please.
Now and then, I hear Newt speak and I think he's making sense. Then I slap myself to wake myself up!
Go on Newtie, keep scarfing that chocolate Calista is feeding you. You know it's good for you, plus you could use a few more pounds to beef up your gravitas. It's not like she's intentionally trying to set you up for that Coronary you wake up screaming about with the cold sweats every other night. She doesn't want you dead, she loves your self-centered egomaniacal ass with all her adulterous little heart. Bet on it.
Looks like someone never got better.
it was such a nice bear. I had him mounted in my office where i can look at it. Such a waste to have these animals running around.
Never in the Twenty-first Century was there a more dynamic and exciting candidate. I pray that the Republicans will see the wisdom of letting him be their candidate. I hope that the moment when he dances the (very timely) Twist at one of the Innaugural Balls will be televised live. This is a moment that I live to savor.
Fat…check
Stupid…check
Southern…check
Newt Gingrich is Sarah Palin with larger breasts. How can he lose?
Newt Gingrich isn't just a terrible politician, but he's a terrible person as well.
OK, this might be TL/DR, but it's a good Newt story.
I had a pal, now sadly deceased, who worked for the Republicans in Orange County, CA. (She had lovely manners, unlike a lot of the current crop. We always talked about cooking, not politics. I miss her.)
Back in the fall of 1998 (I forget if it was after that election … now that was a crazy lame-duck session), D. got a phone call. It was Newt or some proxy, on the line, summoning her to a meeting in D.C. Now it's a royal PITA to get between The Orange Curtain and DC, and it was holiday season, and oy. But the boss said go so she went.
Meeting starts and Newt asks her, as their ear on the ground well outside the Beltway, what she had heard/thought public opinion was about pursuing impeachment for Bill Clinton. She told them in no uncertain terms that the numbers were overwhelmingly against it, people were tired of it, they didn't want to hear about it, they were against going further, it was time to move on. Newt looks her in the eye and says "Well, we're going to go ahead with it."
D's response: "Next time you're not going to listen to my advice, could you at least do so over the phone?"
As we know, Newt was out on his ass shortly afterwards.
So, Newt, I hope D. makes an appearance to give you the real skinny from beyond. She gave you good advice last time, that you ignored to your peril.
Philandering Catholic who "wrote" a book?
I think the Kennedys might give Newt their endorsement (due a typographical error).
Newt Gingrich
a fine piece of
neocon trash
From the annals of Wikipedia, after which I DEMAND to see his birth certificate:
A newt is an amphibian of the Salamandridae family, although not all aquatic salamanders are considered newts. Newts are classified in the subfamily Pleurodelinae of the family Salamandridae, and are found in North America, Europe and Asia. Newts metamorphose through three distinct developmental life stages: aquatic larva, terrestrial juvenile (called an eft[1]), and adult. Adult newts have lizard-like bodies and may be either fully aquatic, living permanently in the water, or semi-aquatic, living terrestrially but returning to the water each year to breed.
Or maybe he has and our comments have triggered PTSD.
…stands for "Pick this Southerner, dickheads."
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