Bigot-Swindling Adulterer Newt Gingrich Is Running For President

 
 Everyone stop planning your Herman Cain inauguration ball! The 2012 Republican race for president has a second candidate! According to "confidants close to the former House speaker" (mistresses?), Newt Gingrich will announce his decision to form a presidential exploratory committee by the end of this week, which is approximately only a little more than a decade since he was last actually relevant to politics. Any Republican primary voter wishing to cast his or her ballot for Newt will have to send him a $50 donation and bag of Reese's peanut-butter cups to be eligible for his "Newt's Basic-Level Voter Club." A $200 donation will get you into the "Newt's Eagle-Level Voter Club." And the "Newt's Running Mate" package costs $50,000 and the access to a young woman who will have a month-long affair with him.

His advisors say a Gingrich campaign would tout his accomplishments as Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999 - most importantly under his speakership the budget wasn't just balanced but generated more than $400 biillion in surpluses.

"I will run on the platform Al Gore ran on twelve years ago, because it was successful then and is refreshingly new now."

Here's your next president, being presidential:

We can't wait to hear his presidential speeches. They're going to be full of plugs for his dumb books. "It's sad that these school shooters murdered so many of this community's children, but I like to think these kids got to read some of my speculative fiction about a Civil War whorehouse before they died. It's available on Amazon." [ ABC News ]