Rev. Grant Storms is apparently well known in New Orleans for wearing stupid Bible-American-flag t-shirts, donning ridiculous 1980s pedophile/hipster glasses, and walking through Southern Decadence, the city’s annual gay festival, with a broom. Apparently, though, he does not do this during the city’s annual boob festival, Mardi Gras, so it’s the gays he has a problem with, not sex in general. Unfortunately for this preacher man, he was arrested at a public park Friday after two witnesses say they saw him sitting in his van “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down,” masturbating. An alternate lifestyle, if you will.
And now for the terrific alibi:
Storms told deputies he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom, the report said.
AIRTIGHT.
Look, we understand this man is sexually attracted to playground equipment. Some people are! We’re all different! But if he wants people to respect his unrequited love for merry-go-rounds, he needs to respect their love for members of the same human gender.
Also, why masturbate at the park during the day if you’re turned on by playground equipment? It’s covered with children, blocking one’s view of all the playground equipment’s naughty bits. If one comes at night, when nobody is around, one can probably have sex with all the playground equipment one wants. It’s almost like this guy was attracted to the children.
But we should be careful we don’t hold this arrest against people who are attracted to playground equipment as a group. Many lead quiet, upstanding lives and have compassion for gays and their struggle for equal rights. [Times-Picayune]
{ 202 comments }
New Orleans is getting so weird.
maybe he's a swinger…
Well, if it's [insert day of week], it must be skeezy jesus-lover right-wing republitard getting caught with his pants down!
I believe the Tea Party has found its man for the William Jefferson seat.
Grant Storms is obviously his porn name too.
And… this shocks no one.
When will the rest of society figure it out: The more someone freaks out about sex (especially gay sex) that they have more creepier, dirty and freakier sex (notice I didn't add the or.)
And… this shocks no one here.
When will the rest of society figure it out: The more someone freaks out about sex (especially gay sex) that they have more creepier, dirty and freakier sex (notice I didn't add the or.)
And… this shocks no one here.
When will the rest of society figure it out: The more someone freaks out about sex (especially gay sex) that they are into creepier, really dirty and freakier sex (notice I didn't add the or.)
And… this shocks no one here.
When will the rest of society figure it out: The more someone freaks out about sex (especially gay sex) the more they are into creepier, really dirty and freakier sex (notice I didn't add the or.)
He was probably there just looking for swingers.
Thus marking the first tiem in history that anyone in a van near a playground has been found doing something unsavory
Nothing to see here…just the same Republitard shit….between this tool and David Vitter Nawleans has the creep factor ratcheted way up. He hates the gayz cause he's a pedobear.
I would just note that it is always creepy male perverts who get arrested in public parks. Creepy female perverts OTOH insist on having a bed and a bathroom.
Homophobe tested, Pedobear approved.
To be fair though, those monkeybars were totally asking for it
It is the evening of the day
I sit and watch the children play
Smiling faces I can see
But not for me
I sit and watch
As I jerk off
getting?
Wacking off in the park is so 1980s
Looking at this man's picture, I am left with but one word…
DUH!
Did he snatch his rattling last breaths with deep-sea-diver sounds, while the flowers bloomed like madness in the spring?
Well, now we know how Storms will pass the time when he rolls his van to a stop on March 13th.
❖ Wave to everybody, look at a playground area that contains children playing,pull your zipper down, masturbate. BE SAFE!
Well, now we know how Storms will pass the time when he rolls his van to a stop on March 13th.
❖ Wave to everybody, look at a playground area that contains children playing, pull your zipper down, masturbate. BE SAFE!
Well, now we know how Storms will pass the time when he rolls his van to a stop on March 13th:
❖ Wave to everybody, look at a playground area that contains children playing, pull your zipper down, masturbate. BE SAFE!
Grant Storms is this generation's Pee Wee Herman.
Keep fucking that merry-go-round…
I hate to have to admit this, but as a lifelong believer in Mule-Whipping, I can almost understand rubbing one out in a van in public IF YOU ARE IN YOUR FUCKING TEENS, FER CHRISSAKES! This Dickwad looks to be in his fifties or sixties, he wasn't trying to beat down a persistent boner so he could think straight for five fucking minutes, he was doing something completely pervy. No wonder I've completely given up referring to any "Man of the Cloth" as "Reverend". I would search is house really closely, especially the basement or crawlspace.
He prematurely shot his load on what was supposed to be a dry run, so I'm afraid he's got somewhat of a mess on his hands.
It was recess time for him and he was just having his turn at the peter-totter
Amateur.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
Amateur.
But seriously folks, this is nothing compared to what I'm positive Bryan Fischer is up too. Allegedly.
He's anti-catholic too? Seems to me he's got alot in common with catholic priests.
He should have been listening to the Meat Puppets instead of playing with his meat puppet.
"Some things will never change…"
Looks like the Almighty has taken a literal meaning to Rev's name and granted a storm. Maybe he'll get a new name at the Angola State Penn cornholeateria – Jungle Jim.
And "tornado slide" is just another way of saying "cock tease."
If the Jungle Gym had some semblance of modesty, this would not be happening. It is as if the Jungle Gym wanted it. Needed it. Craved it. Jungle Gym's are the problem.
Wow, I thiought this kind of behavior was limited to homophobic members of Congress.
Back in the day, New Orleans was a fine place to hang your thong, but then the Republican National Convention came to town. We used to be able to hang with the ladyboys, flame-eaters, and goths, without fear of being accosted by some weirdo thumping his bible. or whatever. Last time I was there someone tried to "save" me. shudder
It's a treat to beat your meat, when you're standing in the street.
…and this surprises no one. The more these guys wave their arms and yell and scream about gays or sex, the freakier they are in their own lives. It never fails.
He denies masturbating, says he was 'polishing his moral compass'.
Storms denied masturbating, said he was 'polishing his moral compass'.
Reverend Storm, my friend, don't start away uneasy when the cops come to bust your ass.
"he decided to urinate using a bottle"
With vigor.
Old Grant was Rev-ving up while watching the sensuousness of the slide, the whirling,rhythmic route of the merry-go-round, the back-and-forth movement of the swings (Oh, oh, oh!) and the stretchiness of the jungle jim. "Children? What children? This equipment is bad enough and should be banned. Yes, that's my next project–getting all this dirty stuff removed. Liberals put it there…oh, oh, oh." (Now where's my bottle…? Damn! That Pepsi bottle wasn't empty yet…)
He had to PEE, people; you all are so judgmental. Who hasn't had to pee in their chester molester-looking van, pull over in front of a crowded playground full of children and pull out their dicks to pee? Elitists…
Grant Storms loves the little children, all the children of the world! Be they yellow, black or white, he just wanks off at their sight, Grant storms loves the little children of the world! (cue everything is beautiful by Ray Stevens…).
He has to drive a van to accommodate his “wide stance.” Duh.
i was thinking more aqualung.
now THIS is a wonkette news story.
Why do dirty van perverts always look so unkempt in their mug shots? You'd think if you were going to rub one out in public you'd at least get dressed up for the occasion; treat it like a date, if you will.
C'mon, cops! This was just his tribute to the late Jim Croce:
"If I could save piss in a bottle,
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to stuff my stiff pole in a teenage asshole
And pretend that I'm straight as I do…"
Poor Paul Reubens. Geez, all he he did was wax the dolphin in a XXX theater. WHich is the purpose of such theaters, I'm led to believe.
I guess he had some ultimately tame dirty pictures too.
Poor Paul Reubens. Geez, all he he did was wax the dolphin in a XXX theater. Which is the purpose of such theaters, I'm led to believe.
I guess he had some ultimately tame dirty pictures too.
Same thing happened to me in Vegas a few years ago, late night on the strip. Dude, go hang out in Colorado Springs with the rest of your kind.
This is totally reasonable, you guys! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to piss in a bottle when you have a raging hard-on from watching kids play?
I'm certain nothing other than 'how to pee in a bottle in a van near the playground' will show up on his computer, assuming it gets confiscated. Certain.
Careful not to spray the windshield, there Rev , 'cause, you know what they say: Jerk offs don't kill people. People who jerk off on the windshield so they can't see that school crossing full of kids kill people.
Don't masturbate and drive: This message brought to you by Mothers Against Driving Masturbating Ass Dicks (MADMAD).
Was he carrying an empty leash, asking the kiddies if they would help him to find his lost puppy? I think not!
Could be he'd just an Art Lover.
Go down two comments.
I wonder if this incident caused his p-score to go up or down.
More like Jimmy Swaggart.
The closest Pee Wee ever came to moralizing was when he stuck his fingers in his ears and yelled "I know you are, but what am I"
It's fucking Louisana people!
He's laying the groundwork for a run for governor.
He just couldn't afford Vitter's huge disposible diapers. A little public stroke don't cost a nickel and show you're serious about your political career.
It's fucking Louisana people!
He's laying the groundwork for a run for governor.
He just couldn't afford Vitter's huge disposible diapers. A little public stroke don't cost a nickel and shows you're serious about your political career.
And no live boys or dead girls to explain is a plus.
Perfect! Next time my beloved mother asks me "why haven't you been to church since 1989?" I can share this story with her.
From now on I submit that the term Man of the Cloth simultaneously to a man's profession as to the hankie he keeps in his left hand while his right hand spanks the monkey as gazes upon unsuspecting school children from the semi-privacy of his van/the confessional/pup tent.
From now on I submit that the term Man of the Cloth refer simultaneously to a man's profession as to the hankie he keeps in his left hand while his right hand spanks the monkey as gazes upon unsuspecting school children from the semi-privacy of his van/the confessional/pup tent.
My guess is that Jefferson's seat is a little old for Storms.
He had the leash wrapped around his neck.
He picked the wrong alibi. Heaven knows that the NOLA police are well acquainted with what public urination looks like, as are many of the city's citizens for that matter. One Mardi Gras season teaches you that.
Will this guy go the Jimmy Swaggart route and cry about having sinned or will be take the Vittor approach and embarass his wife then pretty much act like nothing really happened?
Just this one?
Honk the horn and wait for the media to show up. Mission accomplished!
I always thought see-saws were kind of erotic.
Now known as "The Masturbation Guy", this activist has fatally succumbed to the fate forewarned by Ted Haggard
You said today's secret word! Now everyone scream real loud! Aaaaaaaa!
So a simple "because it's a stupid waste of time" won't satisfy her?
When my (Catholic) wife and kids ask me that question, I go easy on them and say, "Do you really want to have this discussion?"
They know me to be a pretty bluntly honest guy, so it turns out they don't.
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
Also too: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_170_14-tourism...
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
Also too: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_170_14-tourism...
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
Also too: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_170_14-tourism...
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
Also too: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_170_14-tourism...
I want to know how much candy he had in the van.
Also too: http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_170_14-tourism...
Also, too, Cracked.com may have to add to this list in the near future.
Playground equipment isn't even mentioned!
Mickey's Big Mouth. Problem solved.
That Mickey's is so hot!
Obviously, he hates gays because they don't make more little kids for him to beat off to.
Am I the only one who sees the obvious defense? He has asserted that exposure to homosexuality leads to other perversion – children, animals, playground equipment – and he has spent years exposing himself (pun intended) to the homosexual agenda. If you attend a gay pride parade, even with the purest of intentions (what did he do with that broom, anyway?) you run the risk of being corrupted. Thus, he has proven his point.
And that's why we can't allow gays to marry. The end.
That's not funny… because someone's probably saying it seriously right about now.
Be sure to copyright this before Rick Santorium steals it.
And the candy in the van was… was… 'cause he just found out he's diabetic!
The chloroform and ropes? Don't ask.
oh dear. i just can not stop laughing. Wonkettes is gonna be the death of me.
Won't tell.
Don't you know any fundamentalists? They never give up. She'll ask me that question until she dies.
But he wasn't siting on a park bench though.
"There are no upcoming Meetups."
In my experience, if it goes up, there is no p until it goes down again. A paradox, no?
It CAN flow when it's up, it just hurts.
No, I would search his hard drive.
Goes without saying, sadly.
Honestly, the only thing that prevents me from addressing them as “Shaman” when meeting one, is the off-chance one might really be a sincere apostle.
Needz moar Craigslist shemale hookups.
Ah, be quiet. You old guys are just jealous of him because he still has enough hormones raging in him to get it up!
(To the tune of the old Robin Hood theme song)
Pedobear, pedobear
Jerking near the park.
NOLA cops bust his ass,
"I did it on a lark."
Jerking night and day
While the children play
Pedobear
Pedobear
Pedobear
And he'll have a story about how there were black men in the public bathroom, but he was out of $20s to buy his safety, so that's why he had to do what he did, right?
"An alternate lifestyle," Jack? Alternate to what?
If masturbating in a park is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
He should have plenty of time to masturbate to gym equipment when he is in prison.
More likely, he'll be masturbation equipment to a guy named Jim.
Hey, wait a minute!
First day of March and we already have our first hypocritical perv of the month! Woo hoo.
I pee'd into a cup while sitting in my car once. I was fortunate though, to be sitting in bumper to bumper traffic behind a 5-car pile-up, where no one would mistake my activities for pedophilia.
I never took you for a necrobear, Sheriff.
A full bladder and carnage are the ingredients for a hard-as-blue-steel boner, Extemp.
Along with a bright yellow leather sofa, they're also the ingredients for a Max Hardcore porno shoot.
Or, uh, so I've heard…
Try a funnel and a rubber hose through one of the rust holes in the floorboard, I hate to stop to piss. If you're really hung you don't need the hose…
How come cars don't come with the "relief tubes" they have in airplanes?
Got mine rolled up under the seat. Be polite and wash it out from time to time if you carry passengers…
Let he who is without van shit the first Storms.
Hopefully it wasn't one of those vans that has had the interior door handles removed. Creepy.
He's gonna rock out with his cock out!
I'm tired of people like this defaming the proud vanning tradition in this country. Look, there's just no way to get a functional waterbed into a station wagon. I know. I've tried
The bunion-american has returned!
Not as much fun as living in a van by the river.
Imagine the police reports!
Oy, if I get that boy, I'm gonna stick him in the house of detention.
Oh, that's okay. It's just children. GEEZUZ!!!!
These "sex-obsessed prude is really sex-obsessed perv!" stories always make me a little embarrassed that my own sex life is WAY less imaginative.
If Detroit had a nickle for every photo ever taken of the Michigan Central ruins, it could've been lovingly restored like 4 times already. Extra points for "ruin-porn", JD.
I was about to rail against the main-stream-media, and then I wondered why wingnuts always added a superfluous hyphen to a well-respected, compound word. I realized that the word "mainstream" is too long and includes too many dipthongs to be comprehended on their reading level. They do better with reading the words on television commercials. Monosyllabic "New!" and "Free!" and "Now!" and "NOBAMA" [here I digress, No-Ba-Ma would be appropriate, but the colloquial interpretation and communication of that term tends to slur into one quickly barked syllable of hatred and vitriol].
He just needed to jump-start the old flow, see. Plumbing ain't what it used to be, is all.
He'll still beat Newt in primaries. But Vitter better think of something fast!
Self induced Santorum perhaps.
He'll be the one handing out free, pre-opened 'Go-gurts' to the kiddies.
You maroons never report the REAL story. All of those so-called "children" were Muslim extremists and the good reverend was just pointing out the spot for a cruise missile strike. The God, speaking from a burning bush at the playground, told him to do this.
Muslim terror anchor babies. Louie Gohmert was right!
Man of the Kleenex
As we were wandering through the park,
Jacking off preachers in the dark,
If Stormy Grant can take it
So can you.
And it was pointing due north!
"Hey, little girl…wanna sip of urine?"
KID TOUCHIN: UR DOIN IT RONG!!
Glenn Beck's opening segment tonight.
"Conclusive proof that liberals hate families; how Nanny Michelle's anti obesity campaign has forced children to play outside, where they tempt freedom loving urinators everywhere with their playground antics."
Insert blackboard chart linking ACORN, George Soros and the price of gold to Obama's healthy schools bill and the rate of arrests for public urination.
He got jungle gym fee-vah! He got jungle gym fee-vah!
More than three shakes is a sin!
I was going to say, anybody having the courtesy of using a bottle this close to Mardi Gras should be given a goddam medal.
Where's the meth? What kind of boring, doesn't rise to the Christian Preacher Standard pablum is this? Call me when a Jesus person is fucking a goat while stabbing a girl scout and shooting up a speedball, at the same time. Not this tame, vanilla pedophilia shit. Man, Wonkette is slipping.
If stuff like this didn't happen, they'd have to make it up.
Now I know what the opening segment of the Savage Love podcast will be next week.
Motherfucker just flat out STOLE my porn name.
Flogging the Bishop
Polishing the Pole
Buffing the Helmet
I've heard it called all of these things, but "urinate using a bottle" is a new one for me.
Katrina couldn't knock that guy out of residence?
And have FUN!
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
"Mom, on Sundays I take my van to the playground."??
Was he tapping his foot?
Say what you like about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones when children are present.
me thinks Reverend Faphead has been forsaken by his gawd.
Which gawd?
This guy and his son used to show up at my college in PA every fall with a collection of fundamentalist groups that would stand around on campus and yell at us about various things. During one of the summer semesters, another member of their group was arrested and convicted of propositioning a teenage boy in the town where my school was. (http://thedp.com/node/41181) The other fundamentalists never believed it and they offered a reward for evidence that would exonerate him.
My favorite part was being called a whore for wearing a skirt that only went to my knees.
Slut.
"Brother Stephen" is even *more* pedobearish! My god, does everyone in this church look like they came straight off of a wanted poster?
Also, skirts are slutty, but pants would've been worse, because, you know, lesbian and all. Basically you should just never go out in public. Barefoot, pregnant, kitchen, you know the drill.
I was getting an education, so I was obviously some kind of sinner.
Hey now – we have no proof she's a slut. Did you try offering her money? If she accepted, then she's a whore; if not, she's a slut.
Your move, Vitter.
And really really strong hooks on the wall.
Not to be a jealous alterboy, but plenty of Catholic priests enjoy raping little girls as much or more than little boys.
If only there was a god……..
"He who sits in the heavens laughs them to scorn" -Ps. 2
I don't know nothin' 'bout jerkin' it to no babies!
I gar-un-tee!
I think a frog just got my throat.
He might have gotten Uromysatisis poisoning had he held it in.
♫ ♪ Your sperm's in a bottle/Your ass is in the clink ♪ ♫
is there even one of these haters who aint a perv?
Sitting on the park bench
Eyeing little girls with bad intent
Snot running down his nose
Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes
Heeeeeeeey Aqualung
The only possible worse bad habit than public masturbation is murder.
Is there any other time?
Double entendres are the best entrendres.
FTW
Stormy Daniels, right? She's Louisiana's most famous storm, well, besides Katrina.
Too soon?
Well, except that Paul Reubens is insanely talented, but yeah, other than that…
True story: had a Mormon friend when I was growing up who turned out to have a dad with a secret cabinet in his office with S&M gear.
He was a single dad.
So what? It's N.O. after all…
Why are these fuckers so predictable? And what made them all hate adult female vagina with such tenacity???
It's the whole 'original sin' thing, if not for mama's hooha daddy'd never beat the shit out of us with a razor strap 'cause we're bad children…
If some female pedophile had shown me what to do, back when I was 13, my life would have been better!
Usually preachers can find lots of of-age partners in their congregations, too.
I would suppose that would be their prime hunting ground, considering their elevated status among that group. The average fool knows better than to fuck the goose that's laying the Golden Eggs.
Preachers rival politicians in their professional attractiveness. Oneguy I know calls it “the fence post affect.” Put a Roman collar on afence post and women will go for it.
hard to figure which is harder, Chinese Arithmetic or a Preacher's Dick.
I would expect that public urination is a crime in itself, most places in the USA!
his pants were not down. only his zipper!
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