IBM Quiz-Show Watson Machine Hustles Members of Congress

by Jack Stuef 10:13 am March 1, 2011

IBM’s Watson machine was in Washington last night to glad-hand members of Congress and square off against them in a friendly game of Jeopardy!. Watson won, of course, because we’re talking about Congress, America’s affirmative-action project for dumb lawyers. But it was suspiciously close: Watson won $40,300 to $30,000 over Congress, and only because he swept a category on fashion that supplied over half of his total. In fact, in the round he played against the computer, Rep. Rush Holt of New Jersey beat it, $8,600 to $6,200. Of course, the machine was going easy on Congress so they wouldn’t get mad at it when it tried to smooth talk them into giving it a job ~~killing old people who cost the government too much money~~ in health diagnosis.

When given the clue, “Ambrose Bierce described this as a temporary insanity cured by marriage,” Watson beat both congressmen to the buzzer, answering confidently, “What is love?”

Then the machine probably played that “Night at the Roxbury” song, because it is an asshole.

After beating Watson by amassing “winnings” of $8,600 to $6,200, Holt expressed admiration for the machine, saying the technology has the potential to be extremely useful at times when tough decision-making is required in fields such as medical diagnosis, air traffic control or situations that require piecing together bits of knowledge.

OH, WHERE DID HOLT GET THAT IDEA? HMM. MAYBE THE FUCKING MACHINE TOLD HIM TO SAY IT? That machine is anti-union. It’s going to take all government jobs for itself even though it can’t spit out answers much better than Google.

Luckily, after Watson won and was about to take Congress’ money, a mustachioed gypsy playing an accordion barged in with his adorable dancing capuchin, distracting Congress from handing the machine all of our government contracts. Hooray! Watson can go fuck itself! Figure that one out, machine! [CNN]

158 comments 1770 Views

{ 158 comments }

Pragmatist2 March 1, 2011 at 10:16 am

You kidding me? The only reason the won was that staff answered the questions for them.

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 10:18 am

"Watson" has the same number of syllables and letters as "Skynet." Need I say more?

weejee March 1, 2011 at 10:20 am

Don't get nervous until the box can start thinkin' outside da box.

mereoblivion March 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

"It is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily."
"What is reality, Alex?"

baconzgood March 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

Answer:

A useless body that is only employed to rubberstamp corporate interests….

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

Hopefully the machines won't fuck up this planet as much as we have once they take over; they'd probably be a lot less cruel to people than humans, too.

Gratuitous World March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

fair enough, CNN – but are you sure you want to take this much time from your Charlie Sheen coverage?

Gratuitous World March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

fair enough, CNN – but are you sure you want to take this much attention from your Charlie Sheen coverage?

lefty74 March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

I'll try "anal bum cover" for $1,ooo Alex.
"An album cover" Watson?
Fuck you Alex.

lefty74 March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

"I'll try anal bum cover for $1,ooo Alex."
"An album cover Watson?"
"Fuck you Alex.!"

horsedreamer_1 March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

Nite at the Roxbury isn't half the picture The Ladies Man Movie is.

PublicLuxury March 1, 2011 at 10:23 am

Is the Watson, smart ass male machine with a low self esteem going to go over to Libya on a 'humanitarian mission' and challenge Qaddafi to a pissing match?

deanbooth March 1, 2011 at 10:24 am

Watson gets its facts from the internet. I'd like to see a Jeopardy with Liberal Watson vs. Conservative Watson, where the Conservative Watson gets its input from Conservapedia and Fox News.

BaldarTFlagass March 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

That's just what Frank Poole said, back in 2001.

Hera Sent Me March 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

Republicans will own the company that invented Skynet, thereby giving us terminators and Governor Schwarzenegger.

Hera Sent Me March 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

Republicans will own the company that inventes Skynet, thereby giving us terminators and Governor Schwarzenegger.

JustPixelz March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

After the contest, Watson became despondent over America's future. An ominous quiet filled the air as it considered its next steps.

Chillwaver March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Members of Congress need to go through "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" first.

Chillwaver March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Members of Congress need to go through "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" first.

Chillwaver March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Members of Congress need to pass the "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" questions first.

donner_froh March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Rush Holt–a self-contradictory name. Should you rush to get it done or should you just holt on for a minute?

chickensmack March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Glad no one in the meet-and-greet asked where Watson's components were made.

MildMidwesterner March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

"the technology has the potential to be extremely useful at times when tough decision-making is required "

Perhaps Congress should put Watson to the task of balancing the budget.

metamarcisf March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am

Our final Jeopardy answer:

He was the first president to accidently shoot himself while in office.

DaRooster March 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

When given the clue, “Ambrose Bierce described this as a temporary insanity cured by marriage,” Watson beat both congressmen to the buzzer, answering confidently, “What is love?”

Think the Repugs will use this against gays marrying?
"Well, if you REALLY are in love, why mess it up with marriage?"

Beowoof March 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

I guess we should start arming ourselves and learning martial arts, because the Matrix is starting fight .

Beowoof March 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

I guess we should start arming ourselves and learning martial arts, because the Matrix is starting to fight .

genxr March 1, 2011 at 10:30 am

Speaking of artificial intelligence, AP just broke the story that Wonkette reported last month. Brisket Palindrome has a book deal! It's called "Love at the Speed of Life." oh wait that's not it. It's even worse.

DaRooster March 1, 2011 at 10:30 am

The conservative Watson will win… it'll yell louder and then cry and run away…

… to grab it's guns.

SorosBot March 1, 2011 at 10:31 am

My big hope is that the first self-aware machine is one like Watson, developed for peaceful purposes, and not some DARPA-funded military robot programmed to kill.

cheaphits March 1, 2011 at 10:31 am