poison garbage is patriotic

Earth-Raping Dictator-Supporting House GOP Brings Styrofoam Back

As the Founders intended ...“Foamed polystyrene” is a miraculous invention that manages to be completely awful through every step of its near-eternal “life cycle” — it is manufactured with petroleum that must be imported from Middle East dictatorships, toxic “styrene oligomers” migrate into the food it holds, it’s highly flammable and produces black poisonous smoke, and most of the 25 billion polystyrene cups tossed every year will take more than half a millennium to degrade. And that’s why the Republican-led House of Representatives made it an immediate priority to cancel the House cafeteria’s four years of biodegradable food and beverage packaging. It’s part of the GOP leadership’s “return to the mid-1990s” program. Nancy Pelosi sure was a yucky woman trying to do some sane environmentally-minded things, wasn’t she? Thank the American Jesus that woman is no longer in charge of anything. A disgusted House staffer has shared the following eyewitness report with your Wonkette.

From: ______@mail.house.gov
To: “tips@wonkette.com”
Date: Mon, Feb 28, 2011 at 9:38 AM
Subject: Bullshit styrofoam in the house cafeteria

Today the House cafeteria switched all the containers back from compostable and/or recyclable containers to styrofoam as another spit in the eye. This shit can’t be recycled, we are basically forced to throw Styrofoam in a landfill if we want to eat in the cafeteria.

Somehow this bothers me more than the EERE cuts.

Yeah, but the composting program cost money, and anything that costs money is very, very anti-American! Because money turns people into socialists and enviro-nazis or something. Also, the Koch Brothers say global warming is a Hoax! (Did you know the Koch Brothers literally bought an exhibit in the Smithsonian so they could make it say catastrophic climate change is just a happy part of every life here on Earth? It’s true! And it’s at the National Museum of Natural History, today! Kids, stop worrying! Another species might replace you in 165 million years! (Maybe a smarter species?)

It is morally okay to litter this Koch exhibit at the National Museum of Natural History with greasy styrofoam containers from the House cafeteria.

Anyway, more than a hundred American cities and counties have banned polystyrene food packaging — that means, “It’s illegal to use polystyrene food packaging,” because that is what people with brains do when they’ve recognized a problem, such as “the oceans are filled with bits of styrofoam coffee cups, forever.” And now the U.S. Capitol has proudly stepped back in time so that the fat-ass corrupt corporate lackeys of the Koch Brothers can report back to their masters that they really showed those treehuggers this time. [Washington Post]

It is also morally okay to pile up greasy styrofoam containers and coffee cups at the door of Boehner’s offices. Please send us pictures when you chuck your anusburger plate into the speaker’s lobby!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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189 comments

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And it would probably be even more appropriate to toss them into the Koch-funded propaganda display at the Smithsonian. Take a Sharpie with you and write "Die, Kochs, Die!" on the cup before you toss it, so folks know you're engaging in constitutionally protected political political discourse, rather than just littering.

      1. MarshallBanana

        Dammit, I'm recovering from the flu here and your comment nearly sent me into paroxysms of coughing.

  1. missemish

    Every day I'm more and more sure these people are so eager to get raptured they'll do anything to hurry the process along.

    1. Polythene Pam

      I'm really looking forward to the rapture, too. The world's going to be an amazing place when those people are all gone

  2. Boredw/Gravity

    Jeez, even McDonald's, for crying out loud, stop using that stuff for packaging. They don't even use it as food anymore.

      1. HistoriCat

        Alas – kids today will never the joy of a fast-food sandwich where the hot side is hot and the cold side is cold.

        1. Beanball

          I got into an argument in 1972 (!) with an employee at the MacPlace when I asked if she could just hand me the damn McMuffin (wrapped in waxed paper so OK) w/o the Styrofoam™. She kept telling me that MacClowns' rules didn't allow that. I demanded the manager, etc. I guess I came across as kind of a bully, cause the poor employee broke down in tears (yes I know, but I was an arrogant 20 yr old with little social acumen at the time). The mgr repeated the rules, I accepted the Styrofoam™ and proceed to throw it on his sidewalk on the way out.

          (I'm still conflicted if that last act was a good thing or a bad thing.)

          Anyway, it was twenty years or so before I stepped into another McAnus.

  3. mavenmaven

    The resurrected polystyrene cup, that can never be destroyed or die, is symbolic of White American Jesus, who will appear upon earth and fix all our sanitation problems, but He will only reappear when all education and social welfare programs are slain.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    If I was a bartender at a bar in DC that catered to Republican congresscritters, all their drinks would get the special secret "dick swizzle" before being served to them. But first I would go out and contract a horrible STD.

    1. Ken Layne

      Just give 'em a "liberty swindle" instead: Make his drink as ordered, collect his money, and then punch his teeth down his throat and give the drink to somebody who deserves it.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I prefer to use one of those heavy-duty "cheater pint" glasses; the ones with the really thick glass on the bottom and a 14 oz. capacity (12 oz, if you give it a head.)

          Aw, who am I kidding, I just aim for the throat, not the teeth. I can't stand the sight of blood.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        and then punch his teeth down his throat

        Use your penis: you'll get a returning customer and a good chance to contract that STD at the same time!

      2. Rotundo_

        I think a two foot long length of 3/4 inch galvanized pipe or a good sized tire iron would get the job done while minimizing the risk of damage to ones' knuckles. If applied correctly, it also quiets them down considerably after the first dose if they make too much noise gargling blood and their teeth. They aren't worth the effort or concern of a fair fight anymore.

        1. HistoriCat

          Bah – you need to do it the Chicago way. They put one of your people in the hospital with no insurance, you put one of theirs in the morgue. Did no one listen to Sean Connery?

    2. Terry

      The way some of those upright Christian family guys drink, your peter would fall off and be permanently preserved from the alcohol like that frog you dissected back in 7th grade.

    3. ttommyunger

      Good luck with that Baldar, I've been trying my best for years and years and all I've been able to come up with so far is Crabs and the Clapp. Signed: "Still Tryin' in Atlanta"

    4. OneDollarJuana

      I know from personal experience that there is some kinda chemical in some lemon-flavored tea that I had in a styrofoam cup once that dissolves the plastic. Find that chemical and put it in each Lemon Drop that they order! I know, I know, the Lemon Drop is a girlie drink, but it's apparent that Republican Congressmen are kind of soft inside no matter how butch and gruff they are on the outside.

  5. Beowoof

    Really, the republicans are real assholes, your're kidding. Why take care of the planet, Jebeeus will be back soon to fix shit these republican bastards destroy.

    1. freakishlywrong

      We have an entire major political party of U.S. America that is made up, to a person, entirely, of assholes.

  6. walstib

    You need the styrofoam to make the homemade napalm… come on folks, calm down this is just a nod to their Brothers in Arms/Militia supporters…

    Sheesh. You folks will politicize anything!

    1. NeedsWants

      Well it is consistent with their 2nd amendment policies (the right to destructive weaponry of any kind) so I guess I'll cut them some slack. Curse you, conservatives! You're always one step ahead of us.

    2. Terry

      Homemade napalm is called a "Carolina pancake" around here. I learn that from a friend years ago who at the time was a fireman. People would toss that crap on the firefighters as they ran into buildings responding to alarms. Wish I was kidding about that.

  7. Dudleydidwrong

    Does anyone know if using that shit causes some of the icky evil chemicals to enter the body of the user along with the food? If so that would be the only good news. You gotta hand it to the Rethugs–when common sense dictates doing something they will always do the opposite.

    1. Mahousu

      Sure it does. Try this experiment: Weigh a styrofoam cup on a sensitive scale. Then fill it with hot water and let it sit for a couple of hours. Dump out the water, let the cup dry thoroughly, and then weigh it again. Multiply the difference by 365, and you have a styrofoam cup user's average annual intake of various miscellaneous chemicals (styrene, ethylbenzene, pentane, who knows what else). Officially these are at non-toxic levels, of course, but I'd personally rather do without them.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Non-toxic, maybe, but not safe in any real sense. Especially if you microwave the container (you aren't supposed to but people do – myself included). Given what we know now about soft plastics and birth defects (creepy, creepy stuff) this is not a tone any responsible employer should be setting.

        Then again, they are Republicans, so responsibility would be expecting too much.

    1. GregComlish

      The McDLT was the only adequately segregated burger ever sold in America. God did not intend for the mixin of the fixins.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      I just wish they'd bring back the Bonus Jack. Oh, it is back. Well, I guess they're good for something!

    1. SmutBoffin

      Johnny Boner is participating in a "pre-enbalming" service, where they render his skin leathery and saturate his internal organs with chemicals that don't biodegrade.

      But he will look great when they put him in the pyramid they are building for him on the site of Lincoln Memorial.

    1. NeedsWants

      Corporations using mushrooms is change I can get behind. Just make sure they leave a few for the rest of us.

  8. SmutBoffin

    If G-d didn't want us to have foamed PS packaging, he wouldn't have made the dinosaurs, killed the dinosaurs, turned them into hydrocarbons, revealed the secrets of chemistry to a buncha Frenchmen in the 18th century, and given the Western world the political, economic, and military might to exploit these resources as He intended.

    QED, libtards.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, he's the easy-to-refine light sweet crude that oilmen love so much, rather than the heavy sour crude that's such a bitch to turn into gasoline and plastic gewgaws.

      2. SmutBoffin

        This is a popular misconception. Jesus was a dinosaur rancher, it's true, but he actually rode around in an extended cab pickup that his dad got for him.

      3. NeedsWants

        Just his old robes and stuff. You could be burning Jeebus fuel in your car right now!

        Hey, where did this giant handbasket appear from? Oh, well might as well get in it.

  9. RedneckMuslin

    The earth is not going to be here in half a millennium anyway so why worry? Rapture anytime now peoples. Rapture me up, Scotty.

  10. V572625694

    I really can't enjoy any meal unless it's served in styrofoam clamshells and consumed with plastic knives, and forks whose tines break off in the food, and garnished with some sauce-like substance squeezed out of a foil packet you need tin snips to open. Then you clean up with a tiny paper napkin, and suck your watery Diet Coke out of a (guess-what) cup through a polystyrene straw. Mm-mmm good, and you know it's safe cuz the clerk left a little bit of paper on the straw.

    1. NeedsWants

      If your food packaging waste isn't at least double the size of what you ate, then you're not doing your patriotic duty.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      I think fast-food burgers are the "Jell-O 1-2-3" of entrees, with liquid, solid, and foam phases all in one ready-to-eat package!

    1. V572625694

      Smoking on the House floor would be awesome. They might even let Barry hang out there once in a while.

      1. Extemporanus

        Oh, have I ever. They're one of the few perks of working in a stockroom (free razor blades being another.)

        At a retail job I had a little more than ten years ago, the stockroom manager—who happened to be one of Shepard Fairey's roommates at the time, and no slouch in the tagging arts—used to lick one end of a peanut (which turned it into starchy superglue), and then stick it on the wall to create these cool, whitehead-like portraits of his co-workers.

    1. emmelemm

      My mom's cat fucking loves the biodegradable, melt-down when ya lick 'em packing peanuts. It's CRAZY.

      Seriously, she eats them.

  11. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    This is just like when they ripped Carter's solar panels off the White House roof and then used them to bludgeon some spotted owls to death. Why do it? Because it gives liberals a sad, which is an end in itself, apparently.

    1. GOPCrusher

      It's like these morons that take great pleasure in announcing to the world that they are stockpiling incandescent light bulbs.
      Despite the fact that they would save money on their electric bill, they would rather do something to piss another human being off.

      1. MarshallBanana

        Actually, the all-out banning of incandescent bulbs has seemed to me like the wrong way to go — a sales tax on them, akin to existing "vice taxes," would've worked far better. That way we'd make money on the idiots stockpiling bulbs!

  12. V572625694

    Same thing with the folks whose employers make them pickup highway trash. The roadside doesn't seem littered until you start looking and realize it's just fairly evenly distributed., but there's plenty of it. Some people — many people, apparently — think the world is their personal trashcan.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Dixie makes foam cups, too. I've got a huge stockpile of foam and plastic cups, pretty much all with the Dixie brand on them.

          I run a little hotel in a tourist town, and people leave whole packages of that shit (and other stuff) behind if our hotel happens to be the last stop on their Great Northwest Vacation.

          I haven't bought mustard in 6 years, and I actually use quite a bit of mustard, on hamburgers, polish dogs, and delicious sammiches I make at home. Plastic cutlery? I've got 50 pounds of it, in every shade of the rainbow.

          And those styrofoam coolers? I've got about 14 of them, I try to give one away every time a guest asks me where he can buy bagged ice. So anyway, some of it is getting recycled.

    1. SorosBot

      But see, we can always grow new trees; paper just doesn't have the same "Fuck you, environmentalists" message.

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    One side favors a thing that can only be used once, the other prefers something that can be reused over and over. Tell me, which side is "conservative" again?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Conservative ≠ conservationist. This was clear enough to me when I was a tadpole reading Ranger Rick Magazine.

    2. Beanball

      Well, garbage is garbage, but paper is made of trees and trees actually do grow on trees and kinda rapidly degrades, whereas Styrofoam™, not so much.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    As a geologist, I take the long view. In 400 or 500 million years, all the present continents and the landfills and all the other shit we have cluttered them up with will have finally been subducted into the asthenosphere as a result of plate tectonics. Problem solved!! Well, except the Pacific Trash Vortex, which by then will have become the Oceanic Trash Vortex and will have achieved consciousness.

    1. Terry

      And on the plus side in areas not subducted, future geologists…way future geologists… will be a easily identifiable geologic layer filled with plastics to define the Age of Man.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        It'll be like the Cretaceous-Tertiary (K-T) iridium boundary we use today to define the point when the asteroid struck just before the last great extinction event.

      2. zhubajie

        Archaeologists, too. Plastic is as typical of our age as pottery is of the Neolithic!

    2. SorosBot

      And hey, the Sun is going to swallow the Earth when it expands into a red giant in about five billion years, so why should we care about preserving the planet?

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    Oh no. Another first person account from a Wonkateer. I hope you guys have learned your lesson and sent a reporter to personally investigate this before some Styrofoam lobbyist sends you a nasty letter.

  16. weejee

    BTW, in the next couple of weeks, Barry's Bolshevik Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius may declare styrene a carcinogen. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it Mr. Streaker Boner.

  17. jodyleek

    Les Freres Terrible a la Koch probably made money on the paper cartons anyway, so I say boycott that freaking place and make your own lunch. Mark Bittman would agree, wouldn't he Ken?

  18. WhatTheHeck

    Banning styrofoam cups is a job-killer. And as far as the environment is concerned, when Jesus returns, he will burn all those cups in hell and thus save us from our trash.

  19. Extemporanus

    I've gone on more than a few of those depressing Bataan beach marches myself (though mostly for the free syringes and cocaine, because I am a poor).

    Everyone not familiar with the amazing work of British artist Stuart Haygath should definitely check it out. Without the generous contributions of assholes such as these, his Earth-rape assemblages would not be possible.

  20. Worthly Wokette Skum

    Not saying there's a connection, but this happened just days after a lobbyist provided several key GOP reps with polystyrene sex suits.

  21. PsycWench

    From my brief experience in my 20's, cocaine is a lot like budget cutting…the idea sounds great but reality is both numbing yet anxiety-provoking.

    1. mereoblivion

      At first I thought you wrote "in the 20's" and figured you were a time traveler. But no–you tried it the same decade (of your personal strifespan) as I.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I was generally pretty receptive to the idea of recreational drugs when I young and indestructible. But cocaine was by far the most disappointing thing I actually tried. Like I needed to be more of an impatient, twitchy, selfish bastard than I already was?

  22. mereoblivion

    Coulda swore those were baby seals. But then I spent as much of the 80s as possible in a stupor of H.S. Thompsonesque proportions.

  23. LionelHutzEsq

    You try cutting a hole in the bottom of some wimpy, biodegradable container, or in a good, sturdy styrofoam container, and sticking your dick in it, and see which one you can get your intern to grab onto.

  24. Terry

    Some cities employ skimmer boats that collect some, but not all, of the trash that washes into adjacent rivers or bays via the storm drains each time there is a heavy rain. They collect a lot, but barely a fraction of what washes down.

  25. PabaBritannica

    If my agency brings this shit back, I'm going to feel morally obligated to save all the trays I can, chop them up into confetti, and hold a super happy birthday party at the Smithsonian Koch Brothers Exhibit. You're all invited!

  26. MommysFetusJar

    "We got a thousand points of light
    For the homeless man
    We got a kinder, gentler,
    Machine gun hand
    We got department stores
    and toilet paper

    Got styrofoam boxes
    for the ozone layer

    Got a man of the people,
    says keep hope alive
    Got fuel to burn,
    got roads to drive.

    Keep on rockin' in the free world,
    Keep on rockin' in the free world
    Keep on rockin' in the free world,
    Keep on rockin' in the free world."

    See, Neil knew this would happen.

    1. Ken Layne

      "I'm stubborn as those garbage bags
      that time cannot decay
      I'm junk, but I'm still holding up
      this little wild bouquet."

      - another Canadian (Bieber?)

  27. LionelHutzEsq

    Of course the joke will be on us, as the Republicans will be able to keep warm by the mounds of burning Styrofoam, while the rest of us freeze in the coming apocalypse.

  28. Weenus299

    Without it, how could we protect all of those slave-made laptop computers and iPhones and Droids and all from the rigors of shipment?

  29. mrblifil

    Smarter species to come? No way to know. What we do know, according to Gerald Edelman, is that the human mind developed a physical mutation of the brain that allowed consciousness to process the unfolding of time. This brain development is thought to be unique in nature. A lobster's brain lives purely within the present moment, much like that of the average Red State commenter.

    Until the hominid brain became capable of this ability to be self-aware within time, all of existence was perceived along the lines of the "if a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it" question.

    Given the length of time and number of accidents that were required to create this awesome capability within humans, it's not likely anything will come along to replace it once the styrofoam kills us all. But it will have been a great run while it lasted.

  30. SheriffRoscoe

    Tell him that, when it comes out the other end, it will probably be just the same as when it went in.

  31. ttommyunger

    But the Jerbs! Just think about all the Jerbless Styrofoam workers who will be given their valuable and well-paying Styrofoam-Making Jerbs back. Remember, the Republitards ran on creating Jerbs.

    1. DemmeFatale

      But, the dishwashers! Who will think of the DISHWASHERS!!??

      (Maybe they can get jobs at the Styrofoam factory.)

  32. freakishlywrong

    Take heart, OneYield. Here in Floridumb, our felon of a Governor has defunded the coastal cleanup program

  33. HurricaneAli

    And there is a fine line between making the right choice and looking like an asshole. Now, the Republicans already look like huge ass-wipes by doing this, but if some staffer with a shred of environmental conscience tried to bring their own gear and use it at the cafeteria they would be called out for being an effete snob. Also, too, you have to take into account how much of a hassle it would be for the cafeteria people to put up with people bringing their own plates and containers through the line.

    Gah. I am now obsessed with the House cafeteria's set up. Please, do not tell me how this cafeteria is set up or it will trigger my eco-OCD.

  34. undeterredbyreality

    Gov. Walker's crosseyedness is just a physical manifestation of all rethuglican short-sightedness. The absolute Bizzaro thinking of all of these focking eejits simply blows my mind. Has karma taken a sabbatical, or just been laid off?

  35. hagajim

    What are we gonna do when these fucks destroy the planet before Jeebus is ready to rapture us? Anyone thought of that?

  36. Tundra Grifter

    It wasn't enough they had to bring back this plastic crap just to show the world they're back in charge.

    They had to lie about it and claim the biodegradable forks didn't work. Well, here in Northern California we've had them for years and they are very strong and function quite well.

    Of course, we know how to use them…

  37. sportshort

    Fuck the future! Live for now! And by the way, use DDT on the White House grounds and make sure the asbestos fireproofing is put BACK IN. Michele must now wear pantyhose as well. That about covers it. Oh, and start the reruns of "Leave It To Beaver" on every channel, every day, constantly. I don't know why they EVER canceled that show.

  38. SorosBot

    Remember how George H.W. Bush promised to be "the environmental President"? Sure, it was mostly just lip service, but he did sign the amendments to the Clean Air Act that helped end the hole in the ozone layer and acid rain. It's sad that today's Republicans are so bad it makes me nostalgic for that guy.

  39. prommie

    The GOP's public policy is based entirely on childish resentment and petty hatefulness. They don't even care about this stuff, I am sure, its just "you commie tree-huggers gonna tell me I can't have styrofoam? Fuck you, we're gonna make it mandatory to put styrofoam in everything!"

  40. DaRooster

    Perhaps we could dump the Bros. Koch in a rotting watermelon on a toxic beach somewhere?

    When I was doing my time (stupid kids) I was fortunate enough to get on the "Road Crew" (because it was better than sitting around). After one day of picking up trash along 5 miles of road I made a vow to take better care of my trash… people used to "drop" Js for us… that wasn't a bag of coke though.

  41. OneDollarJuana

    Are you allowed guns in the House yet, or are you still restricted to beating your opponents with canes?

  42. Lost_Teabaggers

    What can they say? Republicans are just a bunch of cocksuckers who ruin this planet just to spite those who care about saving it. Not to mention, they're gay for the KKKoch money as well. What I'd like to do is put a landfill on Rush Limbaugh's and the Koch brothers properties and fill it with shit like this. Watch, the justification will be some synthesis between "communists hate free markets" and the "terrorists win", or whatever Frank Luntz's fat, useless waste of protoplasm ass can come up with to dogwhistle dumb whitey that only minorities will be hurt by these products.

  43. PublicLuxury

    Well, now LISTEN. The fundie Jeebus dictated that ALL things in the world were put there by him for the fundies to use. Jeebus requires that Styrofoam plates and containers be used because the fundie Bible says so. So just shut up about it. Any good Jeebus fear x-tian would use the cups and plates and containers and like it.

  44. glasspusher

    All hail the mighty styrene oligomerarchy! Now I get to find out how many chemists there are on this site…

  45. philpjfry

    Did these assholes have any reason for going back to plastic that lilves forever, besides just being assholes. No. Apparently just being an asshole is a good enough reason. Fucking assholes.

  46. glamourdammerung

    Pelosi and Obama, you could easily end our long national torment.

    Please come out with a brave stance against drinking bleach and let the conservative trait of placing pettiness over logic work for "WE THE PEOPLE".

  47. XOhioan

    Also, if you are dining near a Republican congresscritter, it is OK to rub a piece of dampened styrofoam between your fingers over and over, trying to get the squeak just right.

  48. mumbly_joe

    Just be glad they didn't go with their first proposal, which was to make it out of subsidized tobacco, shredded union cards, and pulped puppets from PBS shows.

  49. foothandman

    It's actually a “return to the 1850s” program. We're just seeing the early phases.

  50. donviti

    thanks for reminding me that despite both sides being in the bag for Corporations, there really is one side that is more idiotic than the rest

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