February 28, 2011

Black College Republican Sounds Like Thurston Howell III, Is New Carlton Banks

by Jack Stuef 11:45 am February 28, 2011

No way. No way. No way. This guy cannot be real. Listen to that voice! He has to be just messing with Republicans. Or he grew up in a place where there were no Republicans, and the kid learned how to be one from cartoons.

We don’t know how we missed this at CPAC. Maybe because we didn’t go to the Little Mr. Black Republican pageant? Well, we know who won. [Tyler Coates]

92 comments 3478 Views

{ 92 comments }

nounverb911 February 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

I'd say that Hermione Granger has cast a spell on him.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm: Stockholmius syndromicus!

[waves wand]
karen February 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm: I blame this kind of shit on Peeves.

freakishlywrong February 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

I was babysitting once when I was a teenager, and the baby was under one years of age. She had perfect diction and was convinced the moon was following her. Fucking freaked my ass out. This is actually waaaaayy more disturbing.

BaldarTFlagass February 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm: Almost as scary as babies whoring for financial advisors on television ads.
Lascauxcaveman February 28, 2011 at 7:04 pm: My daughter (at age 3) had perfect pronunciation, a fine, clear speaking voice, and a vocabulary that had her pre-school teachers constantly reaching for the dictionary, to make sure she didn't need to go on a time-out for potty mouth.

Now (at 15) she talks like a teenager and I can barely understand a word she says.

ttommyunger February 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

But he is a riot at parties, though.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I'll bet he never get's invited to the parties he really wants to attend. He just can't get past that paper bag taped to the door. Oh well, I'm sure standing outside with his nose pressed against the glass is just as fulfilling.

ttommyunger February 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I wish I could quit feeling sorry for Oreos like this one and Herman Cain and Michael Steele and Alan Keyes and Thomas Sowell and Ron Christy and Clarence Thomas…Wait, Clarence Thomas? No, I don't feel sorry for that cracker-wannabee at all, fuck him!

horsedreamer_1 March 1, 2011 at 9:20 am: At least Edmund Brooke got to bang Barbara Walters!

Dana Marschz February 28, 2011 at 2:42 pm

If he dances like Carlton too, then he's at the top of my invite list.

ttommyunger February 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm: Oh, you can tell by listening to him; he's got RHYTHM, Baby! I'm sure he dances like old people fuck.

MittsHairHelmet February 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

He must've gotten public speaking lessons from "the homeless man with the golden voice" Ted Williams.

snoopyfan2010 February 28, 2011 at 6:44 pm: Oooo…you beat me to it. But I like how you think……
Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:10 am: No, no no. This is far more bizarre. He's using an accent that hasn't been used in decades.
Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:10 am: No, no no. This is far more bizarre. He's using an accent and dictation that hasn't been used in decades.

PublicLuxury February 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

What the fuck is wrong with his voice? He sounds like Eddie Murphy imitaitng a white guy's voice.

Republitards are so cute and fun to watch. Just like it is fun to watch a building explode or dog ride a surf board.

BaldarTFlagass February 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

" Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe"

ManchuCandidate February 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I'd like to sell you some Orange Juice futures.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 28, 2011 at 12:35 pm

A republican's thinking is like a dog's riding of a surf board. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.

Lascauxcaveman February 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm: lol; paging Dr. Johnson…

Maman February 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm

He looks like Carlton too. But with glasses to make him look smarter.

DemmeFatale February 28, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Are we sure this isn't some Dave Chappelle performance art?

NewYorkJew February 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

"The students of today will be the leaders of tomorrow."

Immortal words! Remember that you heard them here first …

(And read Paul Krugman's column in the NYTimes today to see how well the conservative movement is serving "the students of today.")

V572625694 February 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Before mocking, think of all the action he must get at Tea Party events, though.

Guppy06 February 28, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Tea Party + "action" = Lemon Party

KenLayIsAlive February 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm: do not want.

KenLayIsAlive February 28, 2011 at 9:04 pm

If by action you mean elderly white people asking him if he is the bellhop, then yeah, probably so.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 28, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I'll save you all the bother of watching that by providing a brief transcript:

Yasaboss, yasaboss, yasaboss.

You're welcome.

edgydrifter February 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

If anyone ever wondered what would happen if George Will and Kirby Puckett had raised a child together, here is your answer.

RedneckMuslin February 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I couldn't understand anything he was saying. What accent was that?

jim89048 February 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm: I tried the beta closed-captioning and couldn't make sense of it that way, either.
problemwithcaring February 28, 2011 at 4:40 pm: Mouth-full-of-shit accent?
Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:12 am: I think it was "1940's New England Professor."

PabaBritannica February 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

It's Chapelle's Show newscaster Chuck Taylor with an exciting report on the racial draft!

CapnFatback February 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

C'mon, it isn't his fault that every seven minutes a black person is born without soul.

LionelHutzEsq February 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I wonder what Don Simmons has to say about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVJLG1gXtrU

Buzz Feedback February 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm: Two snaps and your backfield in motion!

JustPixelz February 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

He sounds so clean and articulate.

SorosBot February 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Urkel's managed to make his voice less nasal.

freakishlywrong February 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Banana in your tailpipe.

Buzz Feedback February 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Yes, but can he do the Carlton Dance?

Kidneys4Sale February 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I'm not prepared to pass judgment until Harry Reid weighs in.

jim89048 February 28, 2011 at 1:57 pm: He's too busy dissin' the hookers back home in Nevaduh.
Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:13 am: Harry gives him an A+ for his lack of a clear Negro dialect.

MinAgain February 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

In the talent competition at the Little Mr. Black Republican pageant, do the candidates break-dance or tap dance to the National Anthem?

Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:13 am: Yes

chickensmack February 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Of course he's conservative. Fundies are conservative, Nation of Islam is conservative, and only they wear those ties.

mereoblivion February 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Isn't this that guy the Cleveland Cavaliers discovered on the side of the highway?

Beattitudes February 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Dude sounds like gay howard cosell…..sorry couldnt make it through entire clip, my dog wouldnt stop whining for some reason

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

The Brown University I attended decades ago would not have had a place for these shmendricks.

During my freshman year, the resident counselor in the dorm expressed disappointment in my cohort for not doing enough acid. That's the university I have pride in.

Barrelhse February 28, 2011 at 12:52 pm

The fuckers should be sorry for denying me admission in 1968, then. Maybe they should apologize.

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 28, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I apologize on the University's behalf.

I also want to modify my previous comment to acknowledge that some prominent American conservatives have, in fact, attended Brown:

Bobby Jindal
*two* Watergate conspirators (Hunt & Colson)
George Lincoln Rockwell

trampndirtdown February 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm: I would like to say that as far as I'm concerned Emma Watson going to school at Brown totally makes up for any ratfuckers who may have attended.

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Correction: "…in which I have pride."

Gopherit February 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

He'll get laid some day, and that will go away…….like sci fi geeks and their star wars paraphernalia.

chickensmack February 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Neil. deGrasse. Tyson.

step lightly.

SheriffRoscoe February 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm: Yeah but Neil deGrasse Tyson has more sexiness and coolness in his little toe than this kid. Bet you thought you'd never hear that in your lifetime!

Cicada February 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Lay off the sci-fi nerds! For the record, I won't fuck a guy unless he has a deep appreciation for 70's science fiction and Firefly.

On the other hand, I have to agree that this guy probably hasn't seen a vageen since the day he was born.

Gopherit February 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm

There's a difference between having an appreciation for sci fi and having a nerdly masturbatorium filled with original star wars figures, comic books, and a sticky computer.

Cicada February 28, 2011 at 2:36 pm

There is?

Gopherit February 28, 2011 at 2:44 pm: remind me to bring some wet wipes if i ever visit your house.

ChurchofRealism February 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm

It's the fucking Mr. MovieFone Guy!!!

Teargaskov February 28, 2011 at 1:09 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLNPmQQlvak&fe...

Cicada February 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Tucker Carlson lent him that bow tie after a night of passionate lovemaking. And yes, Tucker did whisper "It's twue, it's twue."

introsp3ctive February 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

At the ball that took place after the speeches were finished, he entertained everyone with his beautiful rendition of "Chocolate Rain" An inspiration to us all…

fuflans February 28, 2011 at 2:16 pm

those are two of the most awesome ties i have ever seen.

EdFlintstone February 28, 2011 at 4:22 pm

That guy is a quadruple stuff oreo.

Hatrabbit February 28, 2011 at 4:44 pm

"My course has made a real splash on campus. It was originally going to be a three hour lecture Lovey, but things went south and it ended up going for a whole semester."

problemwithcaring February 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Un-ironic description of conservatism that focuses mainly on who is and who isn't conservative rather than about what conservative really means? Check.
Over exaggerating about both the predominance of liberal leadership on campus and, conversely, about the popularity of conservative ideas? Check.
Cognitive dissonance from the victimization narrative, wherein peacenik conservatives manage to prevail, despite extraordinary thuggish liberal tactics? Check.

I don't blame Wonkette for missing this. Shit's indistinguishable from 99% of every other conservatard fantasy.

metamarcisf February 28, 2011 at 6:23 pm

This guy is an authentic homeboy. I swear I remember him from season 1 of "The Wire"

Thedongsofwar February 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm

He does sound like a cartoon.

wegot2dobetter February 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Is this the blind KKK guy?

MilwaukeeKent February 28, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Nice young man. He'll go far in the Conservative Movement.

He does play golf, right? Good. If he learns to keep his mouth shut he could be the Next Clarence Thomas.

zhubajie March 1, 2011 at 5:41 am

You could probably still get away with that if you stuck to the more credulous Pentecostal churches!

Negropolis March 1, 2011 at 6:05 am

I had to stop 40 seconds in, mostly because I was laughing too hard, but also because I felt uncomfortable and sad for him. That's all kinds of self-hate, right there. He didn't just choose any generic white-guy voice. He went back in time for that gem, bless his heart.