Tuesday, while your Wonkette was working to bring the world “important” hilarious news about the pathetic Sarah Palin “Lou Sarah” account, we also threw up an account of somebody visiting the Louisiana Capitol building and finding a statue of the state’s first governor accompanied by a framed print-out of the governor’s Wikipedia entry. Apparently this became an issue in that state that is best known for hurricanes hating it and for its current governor hating volcano safety, because we had a lot of Louisianans visiting this site to leave us angry comments. Now, after an investigation, the state House of Representatives says somebody broke into the thing next to the statue, pulled out the original biography, and stuck in the two Wikipedia pages. And some random Louisiana lobbyist is giving us a lecture about ethics because we didn’t fly to Louisiana with our pal Encyclopedia Brown and investigate the matter ourselves.
from: Matthew Patterson
to: jack@wonkette.com
date: Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 2:38 PM
subject: Louisiana capitol Wikipedia pagesJack,
You might want to research a story a little before you run with it. Apparently your only source was the mysterious “Lisa B.”
Check out this article from today’s Advocate.
http://www.2theadvocate.com/news/Stumped-House-officials-remove-Wikipedia-biographies-from-statues-.html
Turns out, there used to be an authentic biographical sketch in that kiosk. However, someone broke into the kiosk, stole the sketch, and inserted the wikipedia page.
Also, I can personally attest that this was not done in 2009. I spend the majority of every afternoon in that rotunda while the legislature is in session (I’m a lobbyist). I’ve read those plaques at least a half-dozen times. The most recent was when I read it to a class of kids last year. That’s spring 2010. And that wikipedia entry wasn’t there.
Before you bash the capitol of a state, please verify your facts. When you are satirizing in The Onion, we all know that you made up the story. However, please don’t pass this kind of stuff off as reality.
We apologize to this lobbyist for not being as ethical as he is. We are sure he works hard at his job making sure companies don’t have to deal with government regulation when they set children on fire. (Or is he working for the hurricanes? Yeah, those hurricanes seem pretty successful. He’s probably working for Big Hurricane when he stands around the Capitol hassling elected officials.)
And we shouldn’t pass on some information about Wikipedia pages being displayed in this state capitol building as reality, even though it was reality, because there were Wikipedia pages being displayed in this state capitol building.
Next time we copy-and-paste an amusing first-person account and photos e-mailed to us from a reader visiting Louisiana, we promise to go there and work hand-in-hand with the lobbyists of that state for four days to figure out why the things in that first-person account existed. Then and ONLY THEN will we post about it.
This lobbyist gentleman can now return to milling about this building all day, doing devious things with state legislators, and creepily reading things to children walking by as if he works there.
(We left his full name in there because he hated the relative anonymity of “Lisa B.” You’re welcome, sir!) [The Advocate]
{ 464 comments }
Naughty, naughty, Wonkette.
You should always check your sources — in person — because they might be politicians, lobbyists or any of several other species of congenital liar.
Besides, it's hard to receive a furtive restroom handjob from your [politician/lobbyist/congenital liar] source over the internets.
So, uh, in all fairness, Wonkette did sort of imply that Louisiana did it as a state.
And again, in all fairness, Wonkette does sort of espouse this anti-south viewpoint- not even as a consequence of some sort of liberal lean. It's not too far away to say that Wonkette as a whole hates southerners. And cue the waterfall of "BUT TEH SOUTH IZ DUMB/BACKWARD/RACIST" comments.
Am I saying that Wonkette is anything approaching a Legitimate News Organization(TM)? No. Am I saying they should give a shit about the south? Not really. Am I saying they are maybe hypocritical when they pretend to give a shit about opposing baseless hatred and then turn around and go OH WAIT YOU'RE ALL SHITKICKERS SOUTH OF THE MASON-DIXON? Yes, actually, that is exactly what I'm saying.
But hey, you gotta keep face when idiots like Scotty boy in Wisconsin can do so under plain and damning evidence. I understand. It would be a little much for Wonkette to oh I don't know edit the headline with a little (UPDATE: jk not really) because after all they have a readership to give kneejerk rant-fodder to and a little thing like unfounded assumptions can't get in the way of ad revenue.
Tell him to spank his inner moppet, yank the live craw daddy out of his lobbyist ass and suck it! Suck it, I said! This man is not a Wonkateer and cannot abuse Jack. That is our chore, ya'll.
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Wait, a Lobbyist is giving you an ethics lecture? A Louisana lobbyist?
Self-awareness is almost completely dead in this country.
You can't make this stuff up! Unless it's for The Onion!
truly something Mr. Jack needs to cherish. Imagine being able to tell his grand babies, "Once, I was lectured on ethics by a lobbyist, a Louisianna Lobbyest!"
He don't know Jack, like we know Jack.
please don’t pass this kind of stuff off as reality
Where's this Mathew P been the last few years? Reality is created by tweeters.
Someone broke in, stole the original and replaced it with a Wikipedia printout? You want us to believe that really happened? Sir, you insult us which is OK cause we're going to insult you.
According to his story, it sounds like nobody noticed until Lisa B and Wonkette pointed out the change. That doesn't make Louisiana sound any better, really.
I think just about everything good that can come out of Louisiana (jazz, gumbo, and pictures of titties) already has. The only good thing left is that it is washing into the Gulf.
Problem is, the part with all those great things *is* the part washing into the gulf; the rest is Mississippi West, for all intents and purposes.
Yes, it's a great thing that it's only been up, what, a year?
Nothing makes LA sound better, after the music stops at around 5 a.m.
A Wonketteer would have replaced it with someone worth breaking and entering for.
Actually many of my comments made more sense and had fewer typos when initially written. However, a Louisiana lobbyist snuck in and switched words and letters when no one was looking, making me look like the dingbat that I'm not. I think.
This museum display is a stub. Please help Wonkette by elaborating on it.
Wow, you got a lobbyist lecturing you on ethics! Did this lobbyist also state where he earned his master's degree in ethics? I'm guessing from somewhere in Arizona.
University of Phoenix has a masters program?
University of Phoenix has anything you have the money to pay for. PhD in nuclear physics, anyone?
ROFLMAO!
I can haz a BA is BS, 2?
"Thanks for the B! I'm pissed off! Heh heh…"
University of Phoenix RULES!
Matthew Patterson doesn't realize the Wonkette creates its own reality.
Louisiana is the Crayfish state.
Nice email,
Governor Jindal"Matthew Patterson."Jack, expect a lifestyle lecture from Charlie Sheen soon.
Yes and I will be givng you cookery lessons, followed by a talk on dental care.
I will provide advice on financial planning and parenting. I'm gooder at that than anyone!
Whoa, check out the comments on the old article; I can't believe so many people created new intensedebate accounts just to troll that one single post, days after it went up.
Oh, and downfist us along the way; I see a lot of regular commenters with -1/-2 comments there now.
Whoa SB, there was a lot of downfisting too. The trolls were on that like corruption on Louisiana politics. I expect we'll get more of the same here.
Especially since it's Friday. Trolls really come out of the woodwork on Friday night.
The casual encounters must slow down on Craig's List then.
Thats when they get their Internet Beer Muscles.
No social lives, except for licking Breitbart's toes.
Wow, that was a fun ride. As somebody who cringes every time his home city of Chicago gets hammered here, and who has even written a whiny defense of it once or twice in these spaces, I must say these Looziantards are extremely touchy.
See, I spend a non-trivial time actively trying to egg Wonkette on into full-blown DC/NYC feud. But, that's probably because I can take these sorts of things in good humor, because I know that my hometown is better than all of yours. I don't really need to spend my time on this vulgar political penis joke blog site for children defending my city's existence.
Total ups to our shared homeland, my friend. I hope you're a White Sox fan, but I like you here even if you aren't.
35th and Shields is (was) hallowed ground.
P goes up, P goes down… never a miscommunication… how does it work?
You're not kidding. I hadn't read that page yet but I went back and upfisted all the good guys (lots of Louisiananans (?) bitching back there. What's that adage about the South being a day late and a brain short?)
Even by Southern standards Louisiana is in a class by itself. We get a lot of bleed-over in Houston from Louisiana people – I think its keeping Houston from becoming truly civilized.
Crap, it's Friday night and the trolls will be here to downfist us. Quick, let's all change our avatars to Louisiana friendly ones. Might I suggest Drew Brees? Oh, and post some Louisiana friendly stuff.
You know, that Emeril Legasse is quite the stud. I wonder if he'd be interested in a three way? *shiver* I just three up a little in my mouth.
I used to date a lovely guy from Lousiana once. He was quite the dashing gentleman and usually remembered to take the dishes out of the sink first before he peed in there. (too much?)
I hear Britney Spears was runner up to Governor Jindal in the Louisiana Roads Scholar Program.
Don't you mean Rhodes Scho…. oh.
And the fat guy? The chef on the Hoveround? Love him. LOVE HIM!
Ahh, Paul Prudhomme. He came up with the concept of "blackened" That was a great food trend in the 1900's and has been beaten to death since then with blackened redfish, blackened prime rib and blackened Whitehouse. I was thrilled for the cous cous phase until I got tired of it a day later. Now cupcakes are on their way out and I say "buh bye!" Pie is back, bigger and better than ever!
"blackened whitehouse" heh, heh
I never cook without his "Meat Magic" and "Fish Magic" seasonings blends by my side. I mean that for when I take up cooking one of these days.
I dunno, looks like most of the negative pee territory is now held by the concern troll brigade. That, or we're far better at counterfisting than we thought.
Jesus, that older post itself has 18570 Views! I guess we all learned something we never wanted to: Trolls have some weird masturbation rituals.
"Laissez les bons temps rouler!"
Good times roll in LA my ass. Give the rightwing fuckwads what they deserve and beg for: Laissez Faire.
Or as they say on the LA shore, "BP-style."
Congratulations on hitting the 100p level! It may not be much solace living in the Okie panhandle but you're the heavy Wonkette hitter in that area!
Hey, I need some p-love. I hit 100, then lost my sense of humor for a while and now I'm back to 99. Damn it.
And oh yeah, I'm livin la vida louisiana, too.
I'll follow you around and thumb you for a while.
Isn't that illegal in Utah?
Done. A high-thumb (my own interpretation of intense debate high five) and a reply. Hope you can rejoin the century club.
Thanks to all you lovely p-ers. This explains the golden showers dreams I had last night.
I find myself often with not much to say. I have phases when I has more sadz than funny or insightful. I still read and hit the thumbs buttons but I regularly have nothing to add. I've also thought about "friending" some of you guys who like to post on the evil facebook. I don't know. I really don't care about the peez. I would still be here doing my one-handed reading if it were the old steam-powered Wonkette commentz seckchun.
I thought the big lezzie faire was in Michigan.
They can all just move to Alabama instead. Same thing. No taxes, no services. Suck it up and smell the paradise, baby.
At least you didn't get the LGBT lecture from him: http://www.lsureveille.com/opinion/thin-pink-line...
I'm getting a 404 on that link.
It's working now… must have been all the early morning Wonkette traffic!
OH! Sorry that I forgot to mention this earlier to you guys, but…
Anyone who's experienced unexplained shrinkage of their p-ness over the last couple days is strongly encouraged to pay the original Louisiana post a visit.
It's like the entire thread was overrun by an army of overly earnest, under educated, Lorena Bobbit admirerers. Not for the faint of heart…
I felt like I had a strange crude oil and asparagus taint going on lately…
Both of those things are known to make one's 'p' stink.
I noticed the carnage late last night: I was just lazily jackin' off to the two 100-plus upfist-getting comments I'd inexplicably whipped out over the last two days, fantasizing about making it a hat trick with a third one today (alas…), when all of a sudden…BAM! a motherfucking minus sign just cold stops me in my faps!
Sadly, it may be quite some time before I'm able to get it up again.
Fappin' to the Metrics™
RadioDude – I just noticed & now salute your 3-digit p-ness.
It's a palindrome, also. Color me jealous.
Fappin' to the Metrics™ always results in dewy decimal places between my digits.
Yeah, it really "gets under my skin" that someone is a crybaby and has nothing better to do with their failure of a life then to troll here.
But at least it keeps them busy instead of out screwing up assassinations of our political officials.
That's the thing about emails that I don't like. You don't get the tear stains from the sad writing you about his butthurt.
CBC radio did a whole segment on this the other day on "As it Happens." So 10 other Canadians have already had a laugh at their wikipedia kiosk.
Carol Off FTW!!!
Hey,
This is Lisa B.'s travel companion.
Yes, it seems most plausible that someone printed out a Wikipedia page in 2009, waited a year, then put in the pedestal under plexiglass next to the statue at the state capital. The date on the printed page is December 31, 2009. This is how we knew when it was put up.
Also the seating map for the State Senate has not been updated since last election/session.
Kathleen Babineaux Blanco is listed as the governor from 2004 – BLANK (As is the governor before her on their official engraved portraits)
It seems most likely to me that they have no historians and no one is doing the most BASIC of upkeep to their state capital building.
Lisa B and I stand by our account!
They're so cute at that age. Lobbyists are to ethics what the World Wrestling Federation is to sports.
"Apparently your only source was the mysterious “Lisa B.”
Oooooooo Mysterious? Me intrigued. Is she like one of these dark, long legged euro-chicks that hang around baccarat tables at Monte Carlo in slinkey black dresses. Call Me Lisa, I'm in the book.
Lisa
Daughter of Anna.
Such skullduggery! Huey P. Long would never had stood for such a lapse in ethics. For shame, Wonkette. For shame.
"When you are satirizing in The Onion, we all know that you made up the story."
Damn. So they finally figured out that The Onion is satire.
Fortunately, though, it appears that anything satirical outside the confines of The Onion still can't be recognized as satire, so we're safe.
The Onion wasn't satire when I wrote for it, buddy.
In fact, it was UW-Madison's finest coupon source.
mr. zweibel, it is an honor, sir.
doubtfully yours.
I can assure you that the honor is all mine, kind sir, though the venerable name of "Zweibel" is, quite correctly, not.
When I first moved to Madison a little more than twenty years ago—back when (to recall but a few booze-soaked bygones) Badger Liquor's hand painted signs were the most sublimely snarky shit in the whole wide world, State Street Arcade let certain regulars run a fap tab, and pre-fire Paul's Club had yet to be defiled by new furniture, frat boys, and a front fucking window—The Onion essentially was an indispensable, oversized, b&w collection of coupons separated by a "Cut Here"-style dotted line from its newspaper-y top half of still-developing satire and Madison-centric silliness. But that was a very long time ago, and—because contributors were rarely, if ever, credited—you're entirely justified in being doubtful of my conveniently unconfirmable comment.
Shit. That came across as really pedantically defensive, didn't it? Not my intent at all, but I'm sorry just the same. What I really want to say to you, quite sincerely, is this:
Thanks.
Your first-person accounts, photos, signs, and unflagging advocacy on behalf of all those pissed Isthmus unionists have been invaluable and deeply appreciated by me as well as many, many more of your fellow Wonketteers. I don't know whether or not you're planning to attend the mandatory house cleaning (mass arrest?!) at the Capitol this afternoon, but if so, best of luck, dress warm, and please know that this ex-Madisonian will be with you in spirit while imbibing copious quantities of the same.
thanks. i only wrote 'doubtfully yours' as a delicious pun after googling the zweibel to confirm the spelling and realizing 'zweibel' is furry for 'onion' and 'doubt'.
and those coupons were important, dammit!
ah, state street arcade. the joy of seeing out-of-towners w/ kids who said 'ooh an arcade! can we go?' and watching them take one whiff near the door and skedaddlling. now it's a fancy shoo store.
but seriously, thank you for your kind words. they are truly appreciated.
i'm thinking of buying a bottle of tequila and giving all the capitol campers shots when they come out. these people (possibly) haven't had a drink in days! they must have the dt's!
I really don't like The Onion but I like Wonkette. Why?
There has never been a more appropriate username for such a comment.
They won't accept my offer of "Area Man Buys Area Rug," that's why.
Yeah, they haven't caught on to Colbert yet, fortunately.
Isn't Snark a (very special) subset of Satire?
I think it's more that they share a subset.
Very Venny.
Snark is like the cool, hipster cousin of satire. He's always wearing skinny jeans, and he teases satire for being too traditional and uptight. Satire usually responds passive-aggressively in kind.
I certainly don't come here for " The Ethics".
…and I don't hang around and snuggle afterwards
You can't put your Ethics in me…
well maybe just the tip of Ethics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsNJdAzY4KA
0.12
I do, however, stay for the pie.
When the fuck did we have pie?!
And what is this ethics business?
I came here for the waters.
I was just misinformed…
i came here for the fucking free pizza from ian's dammit.
I come here for Wonkette's sexy in-your-face interface, but I stay for the biting and cogent political commentary. Oh, also to follow the daily lives of the Palin spawn. Also.
But, ethics? Ethics can suck my left nut; that's what ethics can do.
Louisiana:
LOCK YOUR SHIT UP.
Your loser bontempi brulay (or whatever) attitude is raisin' my insurance premiums, and makin' you look a fool.
Sincerely,
Arkansas
Wow, them Louisianans sure got in a tizzy over that. Better not tell 'em somebody removed their justice system and replaced it with the fucking Napoleonic Code.
Let alone "parrishes" instead of counties, and faggoty French-style surveying instead of good old American townships, sections and ranges.
They're a touch sensitive, no? Hell, I'm from New Jersey–you can all knock this lame-ass state all you want.
If there's one thing Chris Christie has done for New Jersey, it's to make himself an easier target for bashing than your state. I'll bet you ungrateful libs haven't even thanked him for it either.
"…easier target for bashing"? You couldn't miss him in the Meadowlands with your eyes shut and your ears stuffed with cotton.
I would say that okies have been made fun of so much, that we're beyond offended except, of course, for the 'tards who make up most of the state, but then I remembered the sincere person who tried to defend "the lot of good people" who lived in the state the weekend the Republic lege tried to undo the fun online vote to make a Flaming Lips song the state rock song.
Throwing up a defense on the woket of a state like Oklahoma or Louisiana makes you look as retarded as your state.
What the hell?! Dipshits are upset about Creeping Sharia, and a WHOLE STATE has been under a Frenchy legal code for centuries?! Outlaw jambalaya and crawfish etouffee!! Dump all your Satanic Zatarain's into the nearest body of water or set it on fire!! Women with those oppressive "Mrs. Brees" NFL licensed jerseys are now BANNED from wearing them in public!
You know who else "spends the majority of every afternoon in that rotunda while the legislature is in session"….
Pigeons?
Rent Boys?
Every union member in Wisconsin?
Pedobear, waiting for the field trip buses?
Wisconsin's Democratic state senators?
Chris Christie? Wait, he is the rotunda.
Next, someone's going to break into that kiosk and replace the authentic biograhical sketch with a copy of the ten commandments
Wow, and to think I almost didn't have anything to do this weekend….ROAD TRIP!
Just to let you know, the past few nights I've been listening to "Trout Mask" before going to sleep. Must be why I feel so inspired.
It would be funnier to replace the Ten Commandments (which I'm sure are on display somewhere in the Louisiana Capitol, thanks to the no-longer-extant line between church and state) with 10 of Jesus' most commie-hippie-pinko sayings.
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
I didn't know Jeebus was a hippie and a nudist.
He says the birds are scrounging.
Man…I loves me some good bible verse.
"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; "
Riiiight. So, I'm paying out of pocket to see a chiropractor in a sort of medical hail mary pass because I can't afford actual health care. But I'm not worried about my life…nope.
And once again, the irony of creating a graven image of the commandment which expressly forbids graven images will be lost on the fundies.
As portrayed in the movie Jesus Camp, when the children were taught to revere a cardboard cutout of George Bush.
I keep waiting for them to circumcize their hearts, as St. Paul commands. Few will survive.
Leave the authentic biographical sketch, take the kiosk.
Ignatius Reilly is a lobbyists now?
That deserves a double fist as Louisiana is demonstrating themselves as a Confederacy of Dunces.
He was so angered by this whole incident he felt his valve closing.
The Wikipedia page was probably more accurate than the original.
Wouldn't surprise me as I am sure it is another duty of the LSU receivers coach to write that shit.
Seems a little mean-spirited to divulge the full name of the NAMBLA lobbyist. This is going to put a crimp on story-time.
It took eleven months to locate a staffer literate enough to confirm these were not the original documents.
Which implies this would be the second time someone came in and snatched their shit. Must be a crime problem in Jindal's America.
Any Louisiana based Wonketteers want to volunteer to swap out the wikipedia pages for a printout of this page instead? The People of the Bayou State need their Wonkettez!
Or something from Uncyclopedia!
You might want to research a story a little before you run with it.
That's cute, but Mat, do a little research before you try to drop knowledge on a site with which you are unfamiliar. Particularly if the topic is ethics and you earn a living as a lobbyist…
Mat, do you think Wonkette is some kind of fact-based journalizmz Internet kiosk thingy wantonly taking liberties with realities? Hey, Mat, reality called the mysterious "Lisa B" and said "Yo, LB, you have to check this shiz out! I know! Right?! Wikipedia pages! I think that creepy lobbyist dude who's always trying to read to kids put those page there…"
Mr Lobbyist Sir
Apparently you can't suck enough.
cordially X111etc.
Do you suppose there are any lobbyists in Louisiana who don't work for the oil and gas industry?
"The Hostess fruit pies at Wal-Mart are more carefully guarded than the rotunda in the Louisiana state capitol building," according to Mr. Matthew Patterson.
[edited for clarity and conciseness]
…And he should know, he's tried to lift them often enough.
He got caught shoplifting fruit-pies at WalMart, then?
The clarity definitely came through…
Probably more people want them.
I have to say, this here blog is one of the best and funniest on the net. Thanks for helping calm down my demensia and paranoia. Is he watching???
Hello Buford (if that's your real name) and welcome to our little corner of paradise.
Ola, amigo. Jump right in. Teh stoopid's delightful!
We're all Daily Show writers, actually. Welcome!
I think you're all misinterpreting the meaning of the word "lobbyist." Apparently this guy just reads shit to kids and sends emails to blogs, while standing in a lobby.
The only way I would believe this email to be true, and that Matthew Patterson is a lobbyist in Louisiana is if by "The most recent was when I read it to a class of kids last year." he meant "I noticed it last while banging a hooker against the statue."
hooker = rentaboy
ugh so late to the comments, and already too drunk to read all the previous comments.. so
I McCan't believe it!!
Still, Wonkette Vetts it's stories better than Andrew Breitbart.
Well, in Breitbart's defense, he's too busy getting shitfaced and groping young Riley to do much vetting.
Wait! Groping and vetting are different? I got some 'splainin' to do…
Maybe this is not the same Matt Patterson, but I wonder if he's the same person that argued that the Gulf oil spill was all cool when he penned this gem:
"Oil and water are both of the Earth, and the former is being folded into the latter’s bosom, as has been transpiring since time immemorial – clean up crews in the Gulf can’t even find the oil they were sent to clean up.
http://washingtonexaminer.com/node/57606
Again, maybe not the same person, but would be hilarious it it were…
"When you are satirizing in The Onion, "
Damnit Jack, when who and where are you not sodomizing?
Hmmm… this has public sector unions written all over it.
Onions written all over it?
Ashton Kutcher is just totally phoning it in these days.
Love it.
Mr. Patterson, isn't it time for you to check Sen. Vitter's diaper?
Mr. Vtter, tear down that diaper!
Matthew, David Vider called. He needs some help changing his diapers again.
The fact that a lobbyist is "reading" to groups of children is the most disturbing facet of this non-issue.
And also too, if this was indeed a prank it was the lamest prank in history. Apparently there are multiple statues in the capitol building of dead Louisiana governors, and this prankster only swapped out the text from one of them? Sure thing. Maybe Louisiana needs federal funds for "historical texts under glass in the state capitol" monitoring.
Matthew, honey, stop overcompensating. Your dick really isn't that small.
Now Thibodaux show us on this Boudreaux doll point to where the lobbyist touched you.
Whatever it's other challenges, Louisiana undoubtedly has the coolest names, and coolest pronunciations of names, of any state.
Yuk it up Yankees.
It shows how uneducated y'all are.
If y'all would spend a few minutes of your elitist snobby time looking up some stuff you'd find that there are a few categories that Louisiana doesn't come dead last in.
That's why there is a Mississippi, Texas, Alaska, Georgia, South Carolina, Arkansas, Kentucky, and Arizona. I probably missed a couple, but we will all be joining y'all in the south soon in terms of dropping standards of existence soon anyhow. The food is good, at least!
Goldwater states
Well you probably can chant were not as stupid and fat as Mississippi but were close.
Quite true. Mississippi and Kentucky are usually the two worst when education systems are rated. Kentucky I believe leads the US in missing teeth.
So true. Take, for example, Heavy Metals Intake PPM; Adult Illiteracy; Grabby Priests Per Capita; etc.
With apologies to Porfirio Diaz, "Poor Arkansas, so far from the ocean and so close to Louisiana."
First in petrochemical pollution, amirite?
ooh i know! corruption! right! right?
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that rotunda while the legislature is in session (I’m a lobbyist)."
I'll bet you do, you smarmy fucker. Kneepads in hand.
I am surprised anyone noticed, then I am surprised anyone in Louisiana can read
Guess that's why some Yankee had to go down there and point it out — with the help of this subversive Wonkette tool.
Pfft. Next you'll be telling us the state bird is NOT the Oily Flying Poop-Shrimp.
OT but my fantasy football nick last year was Oilypelicandicks.
It's the mosquito, asshole.
I just got an email from my new bud, Reince Priebus. This O.T. but when Reincey took the Chair of the RNC, he apparently decided I looked like a mark and several times a week he hits me up for money. The reason this time:
"Enough is enough. Now is the time to stop Barack Obama's Union Bosses and to show your support for Republicans who are standing up for the taxpayers and middle class families. I'm counting on GOP grassroots leaders like you to help us win this fight. "
I hope that's true, because if it is, they are so totally shit out of luck. But here's the kicker –
"These Union Bosses have sent thousands of out-of-state union jack booted thugs into Wisconsin and Indiana to try and intimidate lawmakers and thwart the will of the people. "
"union jack booted thugs" he's saying the Barry hired English soccer hooligans and sent them to WS and IN? I don't think so.
Think we can get Matthew Patterson, esteemed bagman, to give Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman a few of those ethics lectures he dispenses so freely?
Fabulous!
Does he know what a jackboot is?
Perhaps. Rumor has it he ties his shoes with little nazis.
sorry, olde joke from an olde…
In all seriousness, I own a pair of jackboots. They are the kind ofthing pioneers and founding fathers wore to work every day.Definitely more comfortable than cowboy boots.
We Oldes need a lobbyist here to "voice our concerns"/steal money from Head Start.
In the right wing imagination, effete liberal academics are protected by an army of depraved, bloodthirsty pipefitters.
Or tire-iron wielding vital statistics clerks.
My confused brother is a pipefitter. He's in a union alright, but buys the Föx line, hook and sinker. Somehow his union is different. He wouldn't protect a liberal if….well, even if he was his own brother.
I know a lot of them in Pittsburgh. Other than paying the required dues, they haven't supported their own union since African-Americans and women were let in. They're happy to take the overtime pay, though.
Mike Tomlin must confuse the hell out of them, then.
Sadly, that's how it was in the Operating Engineers, too. I was almost surprised to see a few members at last weekend's rally, but they looked like old retirees, like me.
There are many like them. Kept in the dark and fed shit.
Union Bosses> Koch Masters
If I could choose
I thought the NRA had a monopoly on calling opponents jack booted thugs.
Didn't the Deficit Reduction Committee recommend defunding Doc Marten's?
No, but seriously, I get those too. And I have to say they were MUCH funnier when they came from Michael Steele. (No offense, Reince.)
I also get "John Boehner's Speaker Alert" (which is hilarious), "Energy Citizens Update" (from the American Petroleum Institute, the one that features that washed-up soap opera extra in their teevee ads) and "The Daily Paul". It's like an Advent Calendar of Hilarity every week.
My husband did a careful study one year, answering "survey" from various right wing groups (being an IAFF local president, they assumed he was conservative. Frankly, not without reason–not him, but a lot of other firefighters are conservative) in different variations of his name. Then he watched to see who used what name for new mailings. Interesting at the time he did it, but completely predictable with all the shit we know today.
I tried to buy some union jack boots, but they're all made in that Chinese American flag factory.
I know the place! There's currently a sale on Suport our Troops magnetic ribbons, which have evidently become so yesterday for fuckwit style.
Union jack booted thugs are coming to join the drum circle. Yaaaay!
Maybe if they wore flag pins, these jackbooted thugs wouldn't seem so scary.
Reince, lather, priepeat.
that's depressing. maybe prince rebus should come to wisconsin before reporting on such things.
Union Jack? What do the British want in this fight?
Doesn't Matt have some more hours to bill before the week is through? Is he still working on that anti-volcano-testing lobby?
Look, you want something read in Louisiana, post it on the drive-thu menu at Popeyes. Actually, screw it, those have mostly pictures. It saves the lobbyists precious time.
Right, because the Worthly Wokett Skum never, ever write satirical articles.
I think some of the Breitbarters have multiple sockpuppets, so those ones go through with multiple accounts in their downfistings of everybody.
What the heck are you people talking about? Downfisting. What is that?
Look at your name in the box. See a 89P? look over to the right and you will see a thumbs up and thumbs down symbol. Voting a thumbs down is "down fisting"
Now look back at me. It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now pee diamonds.
lulz. And those fuckers can't take a reply lulz away.
Brilliant.
You haven't really lived until you've been upfisted. Mmmm…..
Here ya go V, to start your weekend off right… an upfisting!
And I down fisted you, just in case you go both ways….
Right back atcha, chicken_thief!
I just love you, June, and think you're adorable. I use thumbs up and down because the other seems like it might mean something dirty.
According to the Louisiana Ethics Administration Program's nearly unusable Lobbyist registry, there is no "Matthew Patterson." I know that comes as a shock. However, there is my new most favorite southern lobbyist name: "Dickie Wayne Patterson."
Why do I think that, henceforth, all lobbyists on wonket will be called Dickie Wayne. Could be his real name, and he knew we would make fun of it. Could be, it's Bobby Jindal. Could be, he isn't a lobbyist and my post about lobbyists is correct.
As I recall, it was only a couple of years after Duane Allman died that the estimable Mr. Betts made it know in no uncertain terms that he was henceforth to be known as "Richard". Who the fuck would be called Dickie after they could stop?
And I think Dickie Wayne Cashfleaux might be a fine Lousivama lobby-habitant name.
ah, dickie wayne. the times we had with robin.
"Dickie Wayne Patterson?" Sounds like a suggestion from a Chinese laundry.
Hahahahaha…."registered" lobbyist. Only the fools registers.
Yes Mr Patterson, somebody printed out a Wikipeida article in December 2009, held onto it for 6 months, and then waited until after you left the Capitol to sneakily insert it into the plexiglass.
I am offended that you imply that I am not living in reality. I know what I saw, and it was ridiculous. Love, Lisa B.
PS, there was no broken glass on the other kiosk. There was missing glass though, meaning that if it was indeed vandalized, someone cleaned up the glass and presumably noticed the sketchy article.
He's been pissed ever since those wimmen got the lobbying gig for Mike Duvall.
Also is former Assembly Speaker Hunt Downer the son of Doreen the Downer?
And they're from Downers Grove!
The adults in the room will please leave so that the human beings can carry on with the important business of laughing and singing and farting and just generally fucking off. Cause that's our job. The end.
And thanks for all the fish.
Dear Mr Lobbyist guy,
Please get back to us when you're caught in an airport men's room wearing diapers and tiger furry suit having gay married sex with a chicken. We have our standards here, after all.
Thank you.
A scene from Chicken in Jackboots, the little-known sequel to Venus in Furs.
Let's put lobbying in Louisiana in perspective. In that State, the Legislature has legally defined any and all oil field waste as non-toxic. Let that sink in. Oil field waste is non-toxic by law in Louisiana. The lobbyists there are world-class and make the folks on K Street look like a bunch of pikers. I wish I was kidding about the oil field waste thing.
The Republicans in OK on the Scenic Rivers Commission opposed the Democratic Attorney General' suit against the Arkansas chicken farmers (Aka, Tyson) because, well, because it's pretty clear whose side the Republics are on and it isn't clean water for OK. So they officially defined chicken shit as a non-toxic substance. I always wished I had the wherewithal and guts to show up with a glass of water with a little chicken poop in it and ask them to drink just a sip.
That's fucking amazing. Even the Indiana legislature actually stopped before passing a bill to define pi = 3.
My fellow Wonketteers, I am a life long resident of Louisiana and want you all to know that I have thoroughly enjoyed all of your comments. Keep up the snark!
happy to pitch in. Anytime we can help, just give that ol' rebel yell, or whatever it is you do when you need your idiot brethren basted.
There is no good reason for this dickwad to gratuitously admit to being a lobbyist. That tidbit of information added nothing to the thrust of his message. This clown is a masochist. He is obviously familiar with the Wonkette and knows Wonketeers are a hurtful and cruel lot and he hasn't had his weekly quota of abuse. He' s prolly reading these comments and fapping away as I tap. Ewwww!
Heh heh… you said "thrust".
Heh, heh, and fapping.
Also, tap.
We are hurtful and cruel? Your untruthful words wound me to the quick. It's not my fault the guy is probably bald, impotent and lives with his mother…sob, sob, sob I am NOT hurtful and cruel!
Me neither! Heh, heh.
We are honest, modest, and reverent, B, so me no worry about f*^#in' that chicken.
I think he just meant he hangs out in the lobby.
I haz a small confuse, in that I'm pretty sure I've been in the Loosiana state capitol, and I'm having trouble recollecting the rotund part of the "Rotunda". My memory keeps throwing up a more vertical building plan.
Of course, I grew up in Wisconsin, so I know what a motherfucking rotunda looks like.
I wouldn't waste another moment thinking about it, if I were you. This ignorant dick prolly does 't know where he is half the time. I'm sure it's hard to see when one's face is buried in a zipper.
This must have been covered by some (perhaps many) of the comments on this story so far. However–This guy spends his time hanging around in a place that is frequented by school children, lures them to a certain area and distracts the teacher or responsible adult by pretending to read something called "history" to the kids while entertaining his own thoughts of Pedobear.
Either that or he lobbies the state legislature of Louisiana which is activity ten time more disgusting and foul.
THANK YOU, JEEBUS! I have finally arrived! I am now being followed and harassed by trolls. I didn't think I was EVER going to make it….Suck on that, newbies! Now watch this drive.
I got one to follow me a couple of weeks ago. I think it was an effort to intimidate me, ohhhh; and I am your sure you are as askeerd as I am.
I'm tickled shitless! I would hate to be preaching to the fucking choir. I use my real name, pix, fb is not protected, I'd love to have an excuse to retaliate.
You get 'em, ttommyunger. And if you ever need some support just say the magic words – Right-wing fucktard shit outlets – and I'll come running shaking my tiny angry fists.
You got it!
You know it has made me think about a shopping trip to Gander Mountain. Now that the kids are grown and gone I think some new hunting gear is a an appropriate purchase. Henry is a name that comes to mind.
Just what I always wanted. My own little troll. I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him…
You'll get all sticky if you do.
Does yours wear diapers?
You just said "diapers" in a post about Louisiana. You'd better watch yourself, or some earnest citizen of that state might get all "hey–we don't all wear diapers. Some of us work at the rotunda all day or whatever and don't appreciate you yankees getting all in our business just because some Louisianans pay prostitutes to change their diapers. I should know. I'm a Lobbyist."
No diapers? They just crap on the ground through the slit in their breeches?
Not to rub it in, but here is the Wikipedia entry on diapers.
O/T, but have you seen this?
"Arizonans Want To Secede From Arizona"
Looks like the revival of an old "movement" from the Ev Mecham years–I still have my "Free Baja Arizona" bumper sticker.
I sent that to Tips@Wonkette last week, but so far no interest. And I thought our esteemed editors loved sedition.
Does yours wear diapers?
I am pretty sure they prefer to wallow in their own filth. It is "edgy".
Oh yeah – I got one too. I notice some of my comments get downfisted when they first go up. Some sad little pimply shut-in with no friends, no doubt. And I bet he beats off to all the Ayn Rand rape scenes.
Bless their black little hearts, they have to live their pathetic lives; and you and I don't, which is nice.
Congratulations! Welcome to the ranks of teh Stalkertard Elite. Surely the hostile interest of a microcephalic clown who secretly wishes he could toss Breitbart's salad has now validated your previously meaningless existance. Ain't it grand?
Also, you are now entitled to a 25% discount on Troll Burgers at any Troll Burger franchise.
For the first time in my life, I feel so alive!
Does that mean, if I send you a first hand account of how I have a very large penis that ejaculates chocolate, you are ethics bound to send a Wonkette operative to verify this?
I have a suspicion you're hoping for one Ms. Sara Benincasa. Admit it!!
Hey, you got penis on my chocolate! Hey, you got chocolate on my penis!
Two great tastes that taste great together!
Sounds like a comment from the bathouse.
Would like to meet you. Very much.
And when the levees broke, that was just God pranking New Orleans for a day or so. Check your facts!
This reminds me of the time Tucker Carlson gave Jon Stewart a hard time for not giving a tough interview to John Kerry.
Do conservatives really not understand the difference between news and comedy?
*Turns on Glenn Beck.**
Obviously not.
Because they have no sense of humor. As I continually repeat, they aren't smart enough to be funny. They think people like Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin are funny, because their idea of humor is being hateful. How many self effacing conservatives do you know?
I've always thought that it's not smart that makes a sense of humor, but the ability to not take yourself totally seriously all the time (aka, the ability to genuinely laugh at yourself).
For instance, I'm pretty smart, and (as any reader of my comments can see) I'm pretty serious most of the time. So I'm not laff-a-minute. But, at least so far, I can still laugh at a well-crafted zinger at my expense, and I frequently tell anecdotes that center on my own stupid behavior. I can do this frequently because I have a lot of material of this sort.
I've known some fairly conservative types who could do the same things, and to whom I therefore have attributed a sense of humor. I've also known a few liberalradicalcommiesocialists who took themselves and their ideas (and probably their poop) as seriously as Dickie Wayne Inhofe appears to, and who therefore had as much sense of humor as Joan of Arc.
Note the qualifiers "some" and "a few". For the vast majority of people I've ever known, "liberals" == "sense of humor"; "conservatives" == "no sense of humor". Which agrees with your own observations.
If I were given to theorizing and running off at the keyboard, I would suggest that the fundamental determinant of the existence of a sense of humor is one's attitude towards rules. Everybody likes some rules. Even libtards such as me like lots of rules — rules against physical violence, rules ensuring fair financial transactions; hell, we're notorious for just loving lots of regulations.
But those of us of a libtardian persuasion generally regard rules as tools — things that exist to promote or deter certain behaviors, with an overall, never-reachable, goal of making life better for everyone. Even the rich (some of us, though not me, are rich), just not at the expense of everybody else.
So, to a lib, rules iz rules, but when it becomes apparent that some rules aren't working, or are producing undesirable side-effects, or are just plain stupid, we want to change or eliminate them. One could also call this "living in the real world."
Rank-and-file conservatives tend to regard rules — at least some rules — as immutable edicts from the past, or from deity, or from unquestionable authority. This pretty much sticks metaphorical broomsticks up all their butts. If rules cannot be questioned, then you certainly can't make fun of them, and by extension you can't make fun of those who believe in them, e.g., yourself. And people who don't take all the rules seriously are "evil".
Unsurprisingly, the conservatives-with-a-sense-of-humor I've known have not been rank-and-file. By a wide margin. I'd characterize their overall outlook on life as "feudal", with them as the Aristocrats. They are perfectly capable of self-deprecating humor, among those they regard as approximate equals. In the strongest form, they've completely forgotten that the "small people" even exist as individual human beings. They'll even make fun of themselves in the presence of the lower classes, because it never occurs to them that the opinion of the rank-and-file carries any weight.
Example: W's filmed hunt for the WMD's at whichever WHCD it was. This was, at one level, making fun of himself, which forces me to suggest, reluctantly, that George W. Bush has a sense of humor. An incredibly insensitive, context-ignorant, blind-to-reactions, utterly self-centered sense of humor, but still.
Basically, the doofus put together a self-deprecating gag for the DC media elite. It never occurred to him, or the people who actually produced it, that the non-elites would find it enormously offensive. Because, to W, the non-elites are just scenery.
You know, DBB, it occurs to me that I have written two or three run-off-at-the-keyboard responses to comments of yours. I think it's because you bring up issues that I'm prepared to shoot off my mouth about, but I suppose it's possible that I'm subconsciously jonesing for some kind of virtual baked goods reward. In any event, I hope you are not offended.
If you are, please tell me, and I'll go irritate owls or prommie.
You realize we have the attention-spans of fleas here? I read your post/epic-poem – dutifully – and agree, but W. T. F?
Iambic pentameter or GTFO.
Thank god I don't spend my day worried that someone somewhere on the internet is saying something mean about Kentucky. It would be exhausting.
I spend most of my day on the internet posting mean things about North Carolina. It's invigorating.
On, the other hand, have nothing but respect for the great State of Oklahoma.
These are my favoritest ever Wonkette posts. I wouldn't mind seeing it spun off into "dearshitferbrains.com" (or at least, a regular feature, not unlike our dear departed Cartoon Violence).
Brilliant and deserving an upfist
My heart literally aches every Friday morning, when I get to work and realize that Josh will no longer be taking me by the hand and leading me through the absurd world of Political Cartoonery.
Wow! The wonkeratti who told me I was at 100 pees were right. I don't think, however, that I'll put it on my fb fake id. And I'm glad cobbled together $50 out of my grocery fund to send to the Wisconsin protestors, since I can't drive to OKC tomorrow. It's a three hour round trip for me, dammit.
thank you.
Hey, my daughter and I made the 3-hour round-trip to Olympia. It was Taco Time that did the trick.
It's all good. Clickity clicks to get to the site means a couple of Ameros for the boyz, right.
Complaining to wonkette about the research they've done into a story is a little like me complaining to Red State about the bull shit they put out. Except, wonkette editors are self-aware about the fact this is a humor site and the purpose is to parody or otherwise poke fun at the unfunny events in the world in which we find ourselves. It achieves both as, evidenced by Rachel Maddow's admission that she loves the wonket. Except, she's brilliant and spelled it correctly.
Red State, on the other hand, is neither funny, factual nor in any way self-aware about the undiluted flow of utter bullshit they put out.
The "lobbyist" (or creepy old guy who hangs out in the rotunda, volunteering to be a guide to the kiddies) no doubt loves Red State. And you know why?
Because I call bullshit. This is no fucking lobbyist, or at least not one of any importance. every goddam lobbyist in even a fuckwad state like Oklahoma or LA knows, because the ilk of Aubrey McClendon (CEO of Chesapeake Energy, the people who gave you Spooky Doktor Tom and Rex "Sharia Law" Duncan. You're welcome) has no misconception that their political operatives are doing anything but sucking Republican dick to make sure the laws in the country are made on behalf of the dickwads like Aubrey.
So, if a lobbyist was dumb enough to take wonkette.com seriously as a site that does "investigations" then this person is too fucking stupid to be a lobbyist. Wow. Really got worked up over that one.
On the other hand, he waves the word "lobbyist" around as though that was something to be proud of. Only a lobbyist (or the child of a lobbyist or a lobbyist wannabe) would do that.
It's kind of like the King Solomon Condundrum, only not really.
Maybe he's a "lobbyist" in the same sense as Shrub was "President". Not legally entitled to the moniker, but willing to use it to do as much damage as possible.
Take a deep breath, relax, calm down and pour a good stiff drink, DBB. Matthew Patterson is a dickwad and a broken dildo who can't get a job doing anything except claiming he's a lobbyist in a state that is so corrupt that there's nothing to lobby except little kids in the capitol rotunda. I hope he has a boring day forever and ever. Amen.
The good news is an ethics lecture from a Louisiana lobbyist isn't going to take very long.
Probably about as long as it takes a Republican to complete the physical act of love…
Well they have to be quick, little Carlton only gets ten minutes for recess.
A lobbyist with no sense of shame. Gee, where has he been hiding.
Jack, I was in Washington last weekend and saw this!
These people are performing far below the level of literacy required to write memorable letters, such as "Worthly Wokette Skum (and Sirens)."
Practice, man, practice!
Lobbyist lecturing about ethics is just like Bristol Palin lecturing about abstinence
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that rotunda while the legislature is in session (I’m a lobbyist)."
This sentence is amazing and I am co-opting it for other purposes, including but not limited to:
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that ER while the doctors are on duty (I’m a lawyer)."
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that fabulous little place for brunch while the wealthy ladies of leisure are enjoying white wine spritzers. (I’m a cosmetic surgeon)."
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that crappy high school quad while the bad kids are out smoking. (I’m a recruiter for the University of Phoenix)."
Wait, is he a lobbyist in the rotunda, or a rotund in the lobby?
I spend the majority of every afternoon looking for a symbiotic partner. (I'm a lichen).
LOL
I spend the majority of every afternoon looking for a welcoming solar system. (I'm Pluto).
"I spend the majority of every afternoon in that soft tissue in the ball of someone's left foot (I'm a hookworm)."
I spend the majority of every afternoon in a toilet (I'm a plunger.).
I stock at the Hobby Lobby which makes me a Hobbyist Lobbyist.
Aren't lobbyists the guys with funny little red hats that used to wander around hotel lobbies looking for some guy named Philip Morris?
I thought those were Shriners.
Of course Louisiana's going to get all butthurt. When the Simpsons did their parody of A Streetcar Named Desire (New Orleans! Home of pirates, drunks and whores! New Orleans! Tacky overpriced souvenir stores!), they flipped their shit. Of course, we learn now it's Baton Rouge that's actually filled with the lowlifes.
You know who *else* claimed to be a lobbyist?
Jack Abramoff?
John Wilkes Booth?
Justin Bieber?
Didn't Lee Harvey Oswald work as a lobbyist in Louisana? And, of course, there's Pedobear….we better send a team to check out ol' Matthew Patterson don't ya think?
NAMBLA?
Bitler?
The shittier the state, the worse their sense of humor. Yet more proof that being funny requires being smart. Stoopid folks just don't get it.
I'm bored and went back to read the original post and the comments. Those Louisiana people really took offense at this. Good thing it wasn't a seriously funny, offensive wonkette post. A troll trying to defend Louisiana by bad mouthing the Statue of Liberty (I'm guessing that's what that long essay was about–I scanned it for a minute) on "my" the wonket is so cluelessly adorable. Like it matters. Guess I'll go take my boredom over to Red State and defend the Wisconsin Public Employees by talking about lazy Wall Street financiers who are getting paid for nothing. Of course, the latter is completely true.
i like how half the comments said something 'apparently i can't express my opinion on this website. what i said was 'blah blah blah' " and then you realize that they had already posted that but hadn't refreshed or something so were convinced they had been edited. trust me, the only people editing our comments are us.
and how did you end up in ok anyway?
After the old man spent 31 years of being a public employee, lolling around a fire station in downtown Seattle, the doctor did some serious xrays and told him he was immediately on disability retirement because after all those years of sponging off the tax payer, doing nothing, his body was so fucked up he was one bump away from being paralyzed. The old man argued, but the doctor was firm.
After 20+ years on the executive board of the union, he had negotiated a very nice pension deal. In Seattle, near downtown where we lived, the pension paid our property taxes and the mortgage. We were looking at both working forever. I was very tired of my job.
I'm a native okie and after 27 years of living in groovy Seattle, still never managed to flush the red dirt from my veins. Our house sale plus his pension built us a lovely house in rural OK, with a large in-ground (you have to be specific around here) swimming pool, guest house and a wood shop for the old man to go to drink single malt scotch, smoke cigars and listen to Prairie Home Companion. He has a part time job that's kind of fun and I keep bees, garden and write away at a murder mystery.
A fair trade, all-in-all, but even I hadn't realized how completely dickwadish the state had become. And how many stupid fucking people live down here. So, clearly, I'm not one of those types who live in a state full of nincompoops and argue it's nicer than it is.
And this, dear reader, is my life story. The End.
Altogether creditable, DBB. Namaste.
Remarkably similar to my own fate, and how I ended up circling the drain in Nevaduh, on the outskirts of freaking Death Valley. It's the best I could do. Oh well–it's all mine, and it's paid for. Added bonus, nobody will come to visit you when you live on the edge of hell!
Talking about "lobbyists"…. Please let this be true.
"Sexy Classy guy for passable TS/CD – m4t – 39 (Cap Hill)"
http://gawker.com/#!5769037/the-craigslist-congre…
That's too awesome to be true.
I suggest that there be created a Matthew Patterson Award to be presented annually to the person who:
1. Displays the highest level of arrogance, while
2. Maintaining the highest level of ignorance.
You would get extra points for being a lobbyist, convicted sex offender or dictator of a Third World country.
scott walker wins.
As do you (for different reasons).
The poor, poor lobbyist just learned that letters have sounds and when you put those sounds together they make words. That's why he is reading to children. Someday, if he practices enough, maybe he'll be able to read college level materials leaving behind the Ramona the Pest and Junie B Jones series for more intellectual pursuits. I said MAYBE.
OT but this story has the most hilarious example of George Bush displaying his lack of self-awareness ever, and that's saying something: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110226/ap_on_re_us/u...
George W. Bush said Friday he will not visit Denver this weekend as planned because WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was invited to attend one of the same events as the former president. [..]
(Bush spokesman David Sherzer) said Bush doesn't want to be part of a forum that invited someone who has "willfully and repeatedly done great harm to the interests of the United States." (Emphasis mine)
And now the sound of millions of heads hitting millions of desks.
Hey imiss, I almost died laughing when, on the original article, you thanked the visiting Louisiana trolls by saying, "Roll Tide." Seriously, I'll be shocked if they come back this week.
As for W, they were probably looking for an excuse because he's drunk.
You flatter me, madam.
LSHMSA (laughing so hard my stomach aches)
Has anyone else considered the possibility that when he says he's a lobbyist, he might just mean that he's a dude who just enjoys hanging around the lobby. He probably just does lobby-related things like talking to strange children, urinating in the corner, breaking into kiosks, replacing authentic autobiographical sketches with Wikipedia printouts. That sort of thing.
Actually, I hear Matthew is a lobbyist for Big Diaper. I hear there is quite an extensive diaper industry in Louisiana…
Hey slackjaw, yer aunt should definitely not have fucked your uncle.
What mysterious person owns Wonkette now? They should offer a One Million Dollar Reward for information about who fooled Wonkette into posting that totally false blog post about those Wikipedia pages that were there.
Soros, no Buffett, no Layne. Layne? Layne?
"Also, I can personally attest that this was not done in 2009. I spend the majority of every afternoon in that rotunda while the legislature is in session (I’m a lobbyist). I’ve read those plaques at least a half-dozen times."
'I'm there every day and the picture of Le Wiki looked different…. guess I never saw it from exactly that angle…"
"Mysterious Lisa B." means I don't know what "mysterious" means.
Excellent call, English major. Bravo or Brava, as the case may be. I'm just disappointed he didn't use hopefully and in Hopefully, no one will play a stunt like this on La again. Then you could've caught a double foul and gotten English major points. Do you guys get toaster ovens, or anything like that?
Shit. This is too hard. Supposed to think AND post before last call?
Oh, and btw, how hard is too hard? This is LA after all. Diapers optional? Let me know. Got lots of Alaska Airlines points, if it's worth my time.
Imagine the fun you could have with all the other much-overlooked statues around Baton Rouge!
Dear Matthew Peterson:
Nick Naylor or GTFO.
Sincerely,
ntD
Gadaffy, the douche, is arming civilians who support him.
Mmmmm, can we spin that 180 and have Wonkette set-up a clickie for contributions to arm the caribou in Wahsilly, Alaskunt?
Wait 'til Mr. Lobbyist finds my Bobby Jindal voodoo doll.
I'm surprised a Louisiana "lobbyist" has time between Rentboys and changing Vitter's diaper.
Lobbyist my ass…it's Travis Dinkley from Lowes in Slidell who's trailer park has AOL.
O/T, I went to Richmond VA's chapter of the Save the American Dream rally and uploaded a few cool shots. There were about 250 people there, which was pretty good for the capital of the Confederacy. Of course we were relegated to a little corner of Capitol Square, surrounded by cops and not permitted to carry signs held by sticks (which for some reason wasn't an issue at the Tea Party rally last tax day). Slideshow (featuring an adorable Darth Vader) here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikedileo/sets/72157...
Thanks for the slide show! They only call it a class war when we fight back, indeed.
Yeah…that got my attention too. Words to live by.
I'd never seen that slogan before today, and it also shows up on a photo on TPM's slideshow of national protests. So maybe it's just starting to get around.
I loved that one.
Not just the capital of the Confederacy but the capital of an unapologetic right-to-work state. Growing up in Virginia I barely had an idea of what a labor union even was, let alone knew people who were members.
Thanks for the post. We had one of those up in Lansing, yesterday, and got over 2,000, which was pretty surprising giving that it had snowed before and during the event.
Don't now what the deal is. They won't load. It's my bedtime. Will try tomorrow.
If that doesn't work try clicking here. Same pictures, just not the slideshow.
Worked great. Thanks. I haven't even seen any from Oklahoma. But I'm on board with Virginia. Wish we had Kock money to bus our folks around and buy them lunch at, ugh, not IHOP.
I am related to a person who was a lobbyist in a state that is arguably as corrupt as Louisiana–depending on how you define it, perhaps even more so–Illinois. He wasn't a dumb guy but that the last thing a statehouse lobbyist needs in intelligence. If a lobbyist is smart he is well advised to hide it since so many of the people he deals with, state legislators, are extremely and hopelessly stupid.
The only real job a state level lobbyist has is to hand out money and occasionally host a party at a strip club or get a couple of prostitutes for a state senator.
Matthew Patterson is probably lying about spending most of every afternoon in the rotunda since that would keep him from the golf course or alligator poaching.
Why become a lobbyist? Surely even in Louisiana there is more honest work to be found, say as a burglar or shilling gold Ameros on late night TV. And more prestigious work, either cleaning up roadkill or giving blowjobs (being toothless could be a plus Matt) at truck stops.
There are always plenty of jobs at the glory holes along I-10 in the Pelican State. The money isn't great but it is steady work.
Or so I have been told.
I used to also lobby in Louisiana and I can tell you there is no one there named "Matthew Patterson". If Wonkette really wanted to mess things up, they would have stuffed this information in one of the bullet holes in the granite from when Huey Long was shot (that's what school children really come to see).
Did you know that Huey Newton, late co-founder of the Black Panthers, was named after Huey Long? I didn't, but a qwik check of the Wiki says it's twoo, it's twoo.
Two dead Hueys cause of the bullets. When, or when, will we ever get the 2nd Amendment back in the gun closet? Just dreamin', I know, just dreamin'.
Gawd these fuckin' people are ignorant.
O/T, but Wonkette™ makes yahoo news. Golf clap. at least.
When are they going to wise up and stop calling us a "gossip site"? We're a fucking WARBLOG goddamnit!
Yeah, really, "gossip site" sounds gay, we're a WARBLOG that doesn't shy away from the buttsecks.
I'm just happy that we're probably firmly near the top of Palin's hit-list for that in-depth investigation our editors did.
I've always dreamed of the day we'd have a "surveyor's mark" placed over us. Wonkette, don't retreat, RELOAD!
Wonkette: come for the TruckNutz, stay for the ethics!
I don't know, I hang around for the vicious snark.
Are there any Oscar fans? Just saw the Social Network again and torn between him an Firth. All smarty money on the Kings Speech. Aaron Sorkin must win for adapted screenplay. Jennifer Lawrence is amazing in Winters Bone, an amazing movie.
Nitey. The Lunesta kicked in. Does anyone take anti-depressants? I'm thinking about asking my doctor about them. I'm old and depressed and, oops, about to go sleep.
right here with you.
have taken all of them.
want to be un-depressed? get about 70,000 of your bestest, favorite-est strangers and wander around your capitol for about 3 hours every day. it will help.
it's probably just the exercise.
take care. let it be known there is at least one stranger out there who knows.
is bradley whitford up for anything? he came to madison today (class of madison east h.s. '77) and referred to koch brothers are walker's 'sugar daddies'. he should win something for that.
Yeah, I am old and depressed and found that anti-depressants can work quite well as long as you find the ones with side effects you can deal with. Just about anything you start with will work to an extent.
Yeah. Find the right dose–for you. Doctors don't seem to know about dosage and side-effects. When you have the right dose, things are quite stable and you just "feel better." The wrong dose–too much in my case–caused the damndest nightmares in the world. It sounds like fun until you have to deal with them.
A friend said, if you are not depressed by this world's (and this nation's) news, there's something really wrong with you…
Get your thyroid checked by someone who won't just blow you off if the test comes back "in the normal range." There's more than one type of thyroid hormone. One's known as T4 (the kind most hypothyroids are prescribed) but also one known as T3 (the drug that boosts its production is called Cytomel). Lots of psychiatrists are finding that Cytomel added to a mild antidepressant works for some people (esp. dem wimmens), when antidepressants alone fail. I got Cytomel added to the Wellbutrin scrip that wasn't working for me and PRESTO! I not only got much less depressed, I lost the 50 pounds I had packed on taking SSRIs. I hate taking drugs, period, but this really worked to make my middle-age more tolerable. TMI about me, I know, but maybe helpful to you. And now I've blown my cover and can no longer get the Wonk-boys to fantasize I'm Scarlett Johanson's double. (Sigh.)
Good general info re: thyroid: http://thyroid.about.com/
meanwhile, in madison saturday… http://twitpic.com/4433qm
Yay Wisconsin — and in the heavy snowfall too. Eric Kleefeld at TPM said there were 70,000 people there a half-hour before the rally had even officially begun.
Awesome. Michigan sent over about a dozen for you guys, mostly from the UAW. Here's a quote from an article in the state capital newspaper:
Michigan's standing with you guys. We had another 2,000 at the Michigan capitol, yesterday, showing solidarity.
we are a weepy bunch here, that is for sure. and it wasn't because it was 15 degrees and snowing and we could no longer feel our extremities.
Thanks to you and everyone posting pics this weekend – it's great to see the outpouring of support for this – wonder how Tally did and will have to pick my lazy fingers and find that out.
ON WONKSCONSIN!
Really, now, it is not so awful that they used Wikipedia as the informational blurb, I mean, somebody has to write these things and this way is certainly quicker and saves money. I´m sure they checked to make sure there were no glaring errors, right?
I think the whole media firestorm (i.e., people at Wonkette making jokes and Louisiana "lobbyists" getting upset about it) is because of the confusion between the words Wikipedia, Wikileaks and Leakapedia. The whole affair just sounds so sordid.
Isn't Leakapedia David Vitter's favorite snack food?
I tried to post yesterday but my comment got eated. Just wanted to throw in my two-centavos and point out (as others have done) that this guy is a lobbyist, a docent of sorts in the rotunda, and a PR flak who gets his local newspaper to print a story about how this is a prank. I'm thinking that's way too much multi-tasking — more like, this dude is a hysterical society member/volunteer. That's it, just sayin'.
Hey, Arizona's state senate majority leader, Scott Bundgaard, picked up by the cops in the course of beating up his girlfriend on the side of the road. He helpfully explained that since she refused to let him drive (they were coming home from a DWTS event that certainly didn't involve him getting dangerously impaired or anything) he had no choice but to start punching her.
The cops, being understanding souls, let him walk since he claimed legislative immunity. The horrible lady he beat up was charged with domestic violence. Unfortunately I'm not kidding.
If his alleged "girlfriend" is a brown, she had it coming. That's how it works in AZ, isn't it?
Christ.
BUT BUT, luzer troll insists no one on the right EVER commits violence. NOOOO, It's Unpossible!!
As far as I can tell from our troll "pal, you are clearly mistaken as it is not possible to commit violence against women, coloreds, homosexuals, and non-Christians.
Ah, makes sense. WAIT. That sounds suspiciously logical… not a chance.
At least he is not Mexican or the cops would have had to shoot him before he went around decapitating imaginary people in the desert.
It wasn't a forcible beating. And he said he is the one who got a "black eye."
Oh. how they swing from bully to victim in a single bound. Superbaggers.
"Legislative immunity?" What the heck is that, another term for the "divine right of kings?" I guess we can only hope that one day democracy will slowly make its way to the red states.
You know who us had a slogan of "God's with us" and legislated persecution of minority ethnic groups?
Shawna Forde?
Oh no, Nobama is killing off teabaggers nao!!!!11!!!
Legislative fucking immunity for battery for fucks's sake? And, evidently, from field sobriety testing.
What happens if the fucker shoots somebody (white)?
She probably had it coming because she wouldn't do that sexy thing with the rattlesnake.
I read the article, and it blows my mind. "I had no choice but to pull her from the car." He didn't even try to lie and say she threw the first punch; he just straight up admits to being the aggressor before saying he got a black eye. This just makes me sick. I'm all snarked out. That'd have been a Democrat or a person of color, and he'd have been roughed up like nobody's business and they'd have laughed at him in the face if he'd claimed "legislative immunity."
The sad thing is that his consituents probably won't even blink, and unless he's had someone wrangling for majority leader, no one in his caucus will challenge him to resign his leadership position.
Arizona, you crazy as hell.
I thought that was a given.
In other just-another-day in politics breaking news, I knew there was no way a Republican could be trolling for womyns on the craigslist. No way.
http://gawker.com/#!5769037/the-craigslist-congre…
Lucky for him, none of the 99% of still closeted Republicans can call him out as a RINO anymore.
In YET ANOTHER breaking news Item
Roger Ailes to be indicted
Comrad, good work! Watching Ailes being perp-walked will be schadenfreude mitt schlag.
Yeah, but they didn't mention Wonkette™.
One can only hope.
fingers crossed, not holding breath
Even if this turns out not to be the case, his world is getting smaller, and he's running out of lives.
You're saying he's a special kind of cat-vampire? Don't make me have to like him.
Yes, he has some cat DNA somewhere in him. That evil bloated slug couldn't live as long as he's had without it. Either that, or he's a dark sith lord.
"Shame, shame, shame!" -Gomer Pyle, PFC
If you want to go about anonymously targeting Koch, craigslist is no longer your only option…
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/02/26/950243/-...
quick live update from the scene of your middle-west rebellion. as you may have heard, the plan is to kick all the protesters out of the capitol at 4 pm, a little less than 2 hours from now. right now they are letting one person into the capitol for every 2 that leave. there are 2 lines of people waiting to get in, each several hundred strong, probably close to a thousand altogether. there is a man w/ an accordion. (there's a man w/ an accordion there/ telling me i got to beware) no telling how many peeps are still inside. i couldn't get in. maybe wonkette can send me some press credentials.
the mood is tense. the crowd is chanting "let us in! let us in!" and "whose house? our house!" and "we are peaceful! let us in!". i had to come home to mix a vodka gimlet (for courage!) and then i'm heading back out for the impending disaster.
pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
(alright i'm getting a bit over dramatic.)
badgers, ho!
Prayers from an atheist comin' yer way.
(They either count fer nothin' or they count double.)
You'd think this god dude would pay attention to your supplication, given its novelty.
Amen, brother. I work from the same perspective and proportion.
Commander: bring the force! and bring video if you got it
N_I_C, at least you won't bump into any reporters.
Fuck 'em up, Bucky, and give Scanner Dan my regards!
oh scanner dan, will you ever find love? beyond your police scanner, i mean.
"That's what I love about these Statesider girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
yes we all lived. none of us were even arrested! shit got real real for a sec. a short line of state troopers with a look of 'you don't fuck with us, we won't fuck with you' on their faces (the 60s really are over!). protesters getting ornery with each other. 5-yr olds w/ snowballs. fisticuffs! not really. just overwhelming.
beautiful, but overwhelming. the cops asked people to leave. some did. the cops told us 'they'll be coming out the king street exit.' so we went there.
words were exchanged. grievances expressed. a protester w/ a bullhorn told us all to go home ('they're not letting anyone else in the building. the best thing to do is to go home and come back tomorrow.'). others disagreed. ('whose house? our house!) another man said we could stay but we can't go in. we all shouted 'let us in! let us in!' yet another gentleman w/ a bullhorn (so many bullhorns!) tried to say something, but someone else with a louder bullhorn started yelling 'whose house?' to which we all replied 'our house!' i started to get emotional. (started? when did i stop?) i thought for certain fisticuffs were eminent. 'oh, my' i thought. i wandered off for a moment to gather my thoughts and smoke 30 or 40 cigarettes in rapid succession.
thoughts somewhat gathered, i returned. someone w/ a bull horn (mc superman?) said they're letting the in-house protesters out the state street exit 'in chains!' (boo!) we marched to the other side of the capitol. cars driving by slowly on the capitol square honking to the tune (?) of 'tell me what democracy looks like! this is what democracy looks like!' (one car goes: 'beep beep beep be-deep be-deep beep beep!' the car(s) behind it go: 'beep beep beep be-deep be-deep beep beep!' you kinda had to be there.) at the state st. side (follow along on googlemaps!) the peeps started coming out.
the looks on their faces. i'll never forget it. they were overwhelmed. we were overwhelmed. many, many tears shed. we all clapped and cheered and yelled 'thank you' at them. some came out triumphantly. others just looked like they really wanted to get home. young, old, babies in strollers.
then the word came they were releasing the hard core criminals out the east washington ave. exit. so we marched over there yelling 'recall walker! recall walker!' and there we stood. some speakers spoke. chants. ('one day longer!) others formed a human chain. there was a man w/ a sack on his head standing majestically, surreal, bizarre, on the steps. and nothing happened. rumors spread: it would take hours, hours! to process all of these hard core felons. and they would be let out one at a time in chains and masks on a dolly a la hannibal lecter. sadly, none of this commenced. one rumor murmured about gave one the idea that, perhaps, just, perhaps, the cops were letting them stay. i held up my sign, which read, in truth, 'let us in! let them stay!' please note that i had no intention of actually staying inside the capitol. the place, by now, is, no doubt, festering with bedbugs, rabies, scabies and cholera. however! protesting being as much a part of advertising as, say, advertising is, i chose my words wisely. the law was not moved.
or perhaps they were? perhaps, by making my little sign w/ a 99 cent piece of tagboard, with a few choice, pithy words, perhaps i, little i, changed the course of a nation. that's the way i look at it, anyway.
(not this nation, mind you. but, perhaps, some nation, not yet born. someone from that distant nation will come across an ancient digital relic and, instead of dismissing it out of hand, will load it into some supersonic device, see the photo of my sign, and say to themselves 'you know, he had a point.' at which point they will destroy their world in order to start over from the beginning, armageddon-style.)
and, so, to recap: words were spoken, feelings expressed. push did not come to shove. cookies were given out.
the people were free to do as they wished.
(i repeat, for emphasis, "the people were free to do as they wished." the 60s are over.)
if they wished to remain in the capitol building of madison, wisconsin, [if they wished to occupy the seat of government] well, the cops weren't about to drag them out. and if people wished to yell and wave signs and honk horns outside the capitol, well the cops weren't about to stop them either. as long as it was before 10 pm. then the noise laws take effect. people have to sleep, you know.
thank you to the law enforcement agencies involved in this throughout. thank you to the protesters who slept on cold, hard floors for days and days and days. and thank you to the wonketteers who give a shit. love to you all.
**applause**
I'd heard about the impending sweep, yesterday, and then later heard that it turned out mostly peaceful. This is how you do democracy, and don't you worry your head, folks will be back. This is only the beginning. The friends of the working man and woman haven't been this energized and organized in a very long time. Our atrophied muscles are getting a good workout, that's for sure.
Sadly, I have but one fist to give . . .
Fists up! Fists up! Fists up!
"And that’s the way it is…February 27, 2011. This is Walter Frostbite, Wonkette commenter. Good night…"
(That was fucking incrediible.)
I'm so glad I came back here today to check out the last page of this weekend post. Otherwise I would have missed this gem. Can't thank you enough, Commander. Fists galore!
thanks for wandering back, jukes. and for the kind words. and a fist back at ya.
Following Extemporaneous's trail of pizza crumbs, I, too, found this excellent reportage.
Why oh why can't we get a better press corps? Like, y'now, staffed by people like you, willing to actually be there on the ground, take actual notes and give unvarnished commentary.
The anonymous thing against Koch brothers: the shit gets serious-er
http://www.scribd.com/doc/49513260/OpWisconsin
Don't you know we are a Republic and not a Democracy? You silly libs.
4T², nice bit that. 'Bout had heart failure regards the boycott list for Koch bro owned Georgia Pacific that had Vanity Fair. Checking more closely that be napkins, not the employer of Wonkette's Juli W.
Here's the Koch-owned GP boycott list for the Wonketteers' easy access:
* Angel Soft toilet paper
* Brawny paper towels
* Dixie plates, bowls, napkins and cups
* Mardi Gras napkins and towels
* Quilted Northern toilet paper
* Soft 'n Gentle toilet paper
* Sparkle napkins
* Vanity Fair napkins
* Zee napkins
Check the labels on the plywood and drywall and the studs you pick up the next time at Home Depot. They're almost always GP. Time to put the screws to HD. Well, it's been time for some time, actually.
No surprise most of those products on the list are used to wipe assholes.
El Pinche wins the internet for the day.
The Koch-whores done went and messed with the wrong democracy, this time. The bought 2010, but if they think they are going to buy 2012 without having all their dirty laundry aired, they sure as hell better think again. Fool us once…
Bwa ha aha haaaaa! Those harcore revolutionary badasses at FDL said fuck it and planted themselves on their hands and knees on the Hollywood red carpet (no need to mention the HuffPo crew).
Hopefully there are enough bags of complimentary Oscar-branded dicks for all of them to eat.
I haven't watched a first-run movie in maybe 15, 16 years. Somewhere around the time Jim Carey got paid $20M for some dumb role. SAG is one union I have no respect for.
Off topic: Supposedly, there is the first break in ranks in Wisconsin State Senate GOP.
Ut-oh…
go dave go!
Excellent. and, here we had Douchebag Walker smugly musing that he'd be able to peal off a Dem. Eat it, you Koch-whore.
Jack really messed up this time.
When he read Wonkette years ago, it looked so fucking easy.
OT: I don't know why, but this weekend I watched 4 of the 5 nominees for Best Documentary; glad to see that Inside Job won; I was torn between rooting for it and for Gasland (and wouldn't have been surprised if Restrepo had gotten it). But yeah, Inside Job–see it, have a big can of hobo beans, and get angry at the greedheads all over again.
Matthew Patterson: Knobbyist
I wanna be an airborne ranger
I wanna live the life of danger
If I die on the Russian Front,Bury me in a Russian Cunt.Pin my wings upon my chest,Tell my mom I done my best!
LOL, I almost choked on my baked potato. I joined ya.
Our Wonkette is so superior to “real” life.
It's like a whole other world in here.
'tis home.
It's all about the symmetry, and cubism.
Hope all is well in Richmond.
It resembles what I imagine one might see were a naked Lance Armstrong to squat directly over their face.
Hold on a sec, and I'll Google ya a photo to better illustrate what I'm talking about…
You mean like this?
Presumably they would just poop directly on the prostitute.
Wow! Very few governors have been recalled, impeached, AND indicted. That was before my time in the SW. After 10 years here, I'm just starting to become familiar with the rich political legacy of this region. Most of it involves the name Udall.
There is a movement here in Socorro County, NM, that claims that the county was never properly ceded from Spain to the US, and is therefore a sovereign nation known as the "Free State of Socorro". People have license plates to this effect, and the (yes, "the") bar in town has the FSoS flag on the wall.
It's our Sim City.
I know I am beating a dead horse…
Love this site and the writers are the best of the best. That is why I come here. I would love to see an open thread on the weekend for the chimpiest of the chimps to come and meet and greet.
I didn't see Vitter's name mentioned even once.
Oh man, I am such a fucking idiot asshole for not picking up on that…
That's a choochin' same about beloved tourist penis trap SSA. I wonder how long it will be before the soles of all them fancy new shoos no longer stick to the floor. Hell the Docs I used to wear back then still do.
Alright, thanks for the reply and all that, and remember: Roll out the rotunda, and you'll have a rotunda of fun!
They hated him at first, but after he won his first Superbowl, he inexplicable became less black.
I guess the "news cycle" just doesn't have any room in it for stories like these.
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