dinosaurs and also ancient reptiles

Newt Gingrich Bragging On Twitter About Dinosaur Skull He Owned

Ummmmm
Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite adulterous grifter, on the Twitter. What is Newt up to these days? “Great visit to the academy of natural sciences in philadelphia today-love the dinosaurs and the historic collection,” he wrote Tuesday. When some librul jokester tweeted back, “Come on, you don’t really believe in dinosaurs,” Newt responded with the tweet above. Is it legal to keep a dinosaur’s skull in your office? Probably not. But if Newt does it, it is. And then Newt tweeted “@OneTokenBlack” for no apparent reason.

Here’s from a transcript of an old PBS interview Newt once did:

INTERVIEWER: Why did you hang it up? What does it represent?

NEWT GINGRICH: We didn’t hang it. It’s actually on a large platform because a Tyrannosaurus rex skull is very big. I always wanted to be a dinosaur collector or a zookeeper, and [when] I had a chance to decorate my office like I wanted to, since I was speaker, I really wanted it there to break things up. I wanted it there to say, “Let’s not take ourselves too seriously. Let’s not assume that what we’re doing is life and death.”

See, it was legal because Newt could have anything he wanted in the speaker’s office. A sandbox of cocaine? Legal. A desk that was just a pile of dead hookers? Legal. Having affairs in there? Legal. The president having affairs? Not legal! Take that guy’s blowjobs VERY SERIOUSLY, not your own blowjobs.

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Also on Tuesday, somebody with the handle “OneTokenBlack” tweeted this:

Cute.

Newt wanted to respond, because he obviously really identified with this. But he couldn’t think of anything:

Send your digits, Newt!

The humble beginnings of some wonderful new adultery? [Twitter/PBS]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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131 comments

    1. Barbara_i

      I'm stunned that he's ever had a wife before. You wouldn't find that congressional gavel floating in my hot tub, if you know what I mean.

      1. PsycWench

        The marital histories of Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh make me realize that some women really can't be explained. Sure, Rush has a lot of money but how much can you enjoy money when you have to sleep next to that every night?

        1. Mahousu

          But that's the beauty(?) of being married to Rush – none of that bed stuff is required. For the woman, I mean.

        2. Mumbletypeg

          Ditto for Ivana, Marla etc. of Trump Trophy Wife fame.
          Though they begat actual Trump offspring which I guess means, it ain't bragging if you really did him.

          1. Negropolis

            Yeah, the resulting children from those 'marriages' are kind of a indicator of the moral weakness of the trophies. Now, if they were also getting something on the side, having children with the Trumpsters is breaking even.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      Beat me to it. I was going to ask if it were legal to display the skull of one of his wives that way.

      1. glamourdammerung

        But Ginni Thomas had a history of being in a cult that used brainwashing.

        And then there was the Lifespring cult too.

    1. JustPixelz

      Yes! It was wrapped in the Shroud of Turin which was on sale a Penney's and looks exactly like their Tuscan Village Collection bath towel. The so-called "Jesus fossil" was really just some pita bread that — like all pita bread — looks like it has a face on it. But Newt's a good Catholic boy and he ate "the body of Christ" on the way back to the office.

    2. Walkinwiddaking

      Yo, donner_froh. You could easily be a marketer for the Intelligent Design folks. They could get a lot of mileage out of the Jesus/T-Rex thing, I'm sure of it.

  1. arihaya

    you mean the Dinosaur skull, that was planted by the Devil to deceive mankind to think that Earth is not created by God 6,000 years ago in six days, as written in Bible ?

    1. user-of-owls

      They never mention the fact that God got Sundays off because he was in the Pipefitters, Stevedores and Omnipotent Beings Local 321.

  2. LiveToServeYa

    "The man was taken to the zoo to see the giraffe. After gazing at it for a long time, he proclaimed 'There ain't no such animal.'"

  3. Not_So_Much

    I don't believe this story because if it were true, that fat, greazy fuck obviously would have eaten it long, long ago.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Probably one of those museum-gift-shop replicas, made of plastic resin to 1/4 scale. Therefore, not edible.

      (Of course, that didn't keep that big bowl of wax fruit from disappearing from his office that one time…)

      1. Fuck Toad

        How dare you accuse this Great American of something so communist as eating fruit, like he's an Obama or something.

  4. donner_froh

    An intern in Newt's office typed "Hit me up fo shizzle" in answer to One Token Black but then deleted it since he thought no one would think that something so lame could be done even by the Neuter.

  5. MinAgain

    How amazing that Newt doesn't recognize the irony, since conservatives, much like dinosaurs, are on the wrong side of history.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    OneTokenBlack = Condi Rice.

    Newt couldn't even Tweet "T" back to Condi? Brain Fart! Obviously he's not presidential material.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    I always wanted to be a dinosaur collector or a zookeeper

    Aptly named Newt quite rightly belongs in the zoo. No surprise he's a Lizard Person, also.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      I always wanted to be a dinosaur collector or a zookeeper

      Might be his one redeeming feature in my eyes. The world lost a paleontologist and gained a ratfucker the day Newton switched to poli-sci.

    1. JustPixelz

      I'll bet he looked at that thing from time-to-time and just wondered … wondered …. Until the day he locked the door for a little Tyrannosaurus Sex. Then wondered if man-on-dinosaur is wrong, he don't wanna be Right.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Gotta be the new congressional pick-up line: "Hey, babe, wanna come up and see my Tyrannosaurus skull?" Hooks 'em every time.

  8. edgydrifter

    I hope his hooker pile desk was genuine Herman Miller and not some cheap discount furniture warehouse knockoff. Quality shows–take pride in your workspace.

  9. ttommyunger

    Could not hold his Zookeeper's job. Seems animals have enough sense to be scared shitless by this amoral creep and cringed and shrieked in fear every time he came around.

  10. SorosBot

    "Let’s not assume that what we’re doing is life and death"

    You know what was a matter of life and death to the dinosaurs? Climate change, (meteor-induced instead of being their own fault) which Newt and his old followers from 1994 have ensured we're doing nothing about.

  11. not that Dewey

    Newt has just entered the "If Only They Had Done That Instead" Hall of Fame. He can invite Castro and Hitler's Skull over for some hookers and blow.

  12. freakishlywrong

    Holy fuck. Don't go pickin' up lunch around the Wonkateers. What all of y'all said. *Fists entire thread.

    1. Extemporanus

      Don't go to fucking bed, either.

      By the time I was able to crawl out of mine and leave a (likely duplicative) comment on the "Broun Shoots Black" post, the thread was already 180+ comments long.

      Goddamn Pacific time zone…

  13. el_donaldo

    Sorry, Newt, it just doesn't work. People still think T. Rex must have been pretty terrifying in its time. People now think you're just a stupid fool and sociopath with a unique and mostly squandered talent for passing yourself off as a person of intelligence.

    1. MaxUdargo

      Actually, I find myself questioning the premise that dinosaurs once thought they were important too. It just seems that such a thought would require more cognitive power, self-awareness, and ability to evaluate and compare abstract concepts than we normally associate with dinosaurs.

      But maybe I'm over-thinking it.

  14. V572625694

    Yep, good think the Newtster didn't get too comfortable in his office, or in Congress, as (according to the Wik-uh-pedia) he was hounded out of both by his own party:

    "Republicans lost five seats in the House in the 1998 midterm elections—the worst performance in 64 years for a party that didn't hold the presidency. Polls showed that Gingrich and the Republican Party's attempt to remove President Clinton from office was widely unpopular among Americans.

    "Gingrich suffered much of the blame for the election loss. Facing another rebellion in the Republican caucus, he announced on November 6, 1998 that he would not only stand down as Speaker, but would leave the House as well."

    Just think how well he's going to do in the primaries! He'll never make it past Iowa, one imagines.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      We'll see how long the memories of the voters are, but we know that The Newt doesn't care about memories. He only cares about mammaries.

  15. jjdaddyo

    The real reason Newt had that skull in his office was that it was from a BBQ that Jeebus and the 12 Apostles had in Galilee. It still had Jeebus' teef marks and some Carolina-style mustard BBQ sauce on it.

  16. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm surprised you didn't quote the rest of the interview:

    "Plus" the Speaker went on to say, "you really have never fucked an intern until you've drilled her against a dinosaur skull."

  17. SayItWithWookies

    So a guy who called himself a college professor because he taught a for-pay corporate shill seminar called "To Renew America" at the ivy-covered walls of Kennesaw State Junior College and who thinks he's been given a divine pass on following the morality he preaches to everyone else got that dino skull so he wouldn't take himself so seriously. How did that work out?

  18. Cy_GUy

    This whole story seems based on the premise that it is illegal to privately own a dinosaur skull, which it is not. It is illegal to collect them from National Parks, but people can collect them on private land where they own the mineral rights and then sell them to the highest bidder.

    Maybe you are thinking of Bald Eagle feathers, or archeological human remains?

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    And, of course, Newt kept the skull to remind him how our lord and savior Jesus killed all the dinosaurs, and that, similarly, as a good Republican, he must do the same to all Democrats Socialist.

  20. NeedsWants

    And he listened to Rush* through those T.Rex speakers, to remind himself that they too used to be good once. Fuckin' Red Barchetta, man.

    *The band, not the hu-manatee

  21. prommie

    I seem to recall that the number of T-Rex skulls that have been found is like, something you can count on your fingers. I'm thinking he's talking about something he shoplifted from the Smithsonian giftshop.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Or it could be that Gnut is just plain talking out of his ass. Is that a possibility given his history?

  22. LesBontemps

    "Let’s not assume that what we’re doing is life and death.”

    Yeah, Congress really doesn't have any effect on things like healthcare, war funding, anti-poverty initiatives, environmental preservation — it's all just balloons and bullshit.

    1. comrad_darkness

      And sleeping with lobbiests. And monies! Don't forget the monies and cushy jobs prospects. Also very important.

    2. DoktorZoom

      If Newt had been around then, he'd have been one of the dinos proclaiming that asteroid-caused global extinction was just a liberal hoax.

  23. harry_palmer

    Soliloquy from Newt, holding skull, "Alas, poor Dinosaur ! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinitely more wit and integrity than I or any of these other Republicans, who won't go extinct fast enough to save this country, I fear."

  24. CapeClod

    If he still wants to be a zookeeper, perhaps we could arrange for him to be reunited with Knut at the Berlin Zoo.

  25. Snarke_Diem

    Yeesh – at least it wasn't the corpse of one of his ex-wives/sex partners. Wouldn't put it past the Newtered Grinch to be a necrophile . . .

  26. Rush_Oxycontin

    How fitting. A dinosaur skull for the dinosaur of the House.

    Newt-O-Saurus = a bottom feeding, flatulent species of Repubtard. The Newt-O-Saurus habitually abandoned its mates, thereby securing its eventual demise.

  27. comrad_darkness

    "they used to think they were important too"

    No, Newt, they did not. They had skulls the size of a bus and brains the size of an orange. They thought only about smelling out carrion to eat and mating . . . remarkably like former speakers of the house.

  28. Redhead

    I didn't think it was legal to hang Rumsfeld's skull in your office, but like you said, if Gingrich says so…

  29. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    When I was 17 I took a field trip with a few other classmates from Durban Girls Academy. We went from South Africa to DC for a week. It was pretty awesome. I ate freeze-dried NASA ice cream from the Air and Space Museum thingy gift shop and spat on Newt when we bumped into him on 17th.

  30. OneYieldRegular

    "…I had a chance to decorate my office like I wanted to, since I was speaker…"

    *deadpan, over the top of my glasses, sideways glance*

  31. wvfii

    oh sure, he believes in dinosaurs now, but what's he going to say when he's bowing and scraping for the Dobson crowd?

  32. hagajim

    I always wanted to be a dinosaur collector or a zookeeper

    What – Newt is now trying to steal Glenn Beck's thunder?

  33. Pragmatist2

    And on each side of the T-Rex head he had a picture of one of his ex-wives because "they used to think they were important too."
    Adorable.

  34. HedonismBot

    Recent research suggests the T-Rex – once thought to be the most nightmarish and fearsome of predators – might actually have been a timid, pea-brained scavenger, too big, awkward and dumb to adapt to the changing circumstances around it.
    Excellent choice of a mascot, Newt!

  35. GeoffPeterson

    I don't believe dinosaurs thought they were important. They didn't think at all, really. Despite the size of their heads, they had very small brains.

  36. mourningnmerica

    Honey, I got good news and bad news. First, the bad news. Remember that little chippie that I swore you were imagining things, that it was just the chemo talkin'? Well, I'm leaving you for her. I hope you will survive and eventually get out of ICU.
    Oh, yeah, the good new, I almost forgot. I got a steal on this kick ass dinosaur skull. And again, best of luck.

  37. Jukesgrrl

    If my mother doesn't get her Social Security check, T Rex is going to look like Paris Hilton's purse dog, in comparison.

  38. riverside68

    So Dino's ruled from 230M BCE to 65M. Hominids split off about 6M BCE, Lucy 3.2M.

    So let's check back in another 100M years and see how we did compared to dinos.

    Right now it looks like we are cooking the Whole Dang Planet.

  39. chascates

    Newt talks to NewsMax about the DOMA decision and sez:

    Gingrich even suggested that, if a “President Sarah Palin” had taken a similar action, there would have been immediate calls for her impeachment. (Speaker Gingrich stressed that we are not currently in a constitutional crisis, nor was he calling for the direct impeachment of the president. His statements were meant to illustrate the hypocrisy of the left and the mainstream media.)

    "I believe the House Republicans next week should pass a resolution instructing the president to enforce the law and to obey his own constitutional oath, and they should say if he fails to do so that they will zero out [defund] the office of attorney general and take other steps as necessary until the president agrees to do his job."

  40. pinkocommi

    Hmmmm…. that Newt liked to be reminded that T Rex "used to think they were important too" seems to be a condemnation of American exceptionalism. Have the Repubtards taken away his membership card yet?

  41. Nopantsmcgee

    "I always wanted to be a dinosaur collector"

    Professor Poutypants knows the bones and skulls aren't really what the dinosaurs looked like, doesn't he?

  42. PublicLuxury

    For most of us that function in the homosapien world a picture of our ancestors in our office is enough. But Newt, not being a 'sapien of any kind, would want the actual skull of his ancestor.

    What a fuckin' freak.

  43. Negropolis

    Gawd, why are these guys so repugnant? It's like they are trying to make you loathe them.

    The only thing dinosaurs thought about was where their next meal was coming from and where they could find shelter. But, if he can find me an example of a self-important T. Rex strutting about as he or she was the shit, I'd be happy to find one.

  44. harry_palmer

    It's a win-win. Of course, Tony LaRussa would have to go back to chasing ambulances and trying to get Albert Pujolz deported.

    (My earlier comment disappeared – weird.)

Comments are closed.