cold bloods

Donald Rumsfeld Refuses To Answer Whether Or Not He’s a Lizard Person

Space lizard (left) and comedy hero (right).ARE DONALD RUMSEFELD AND DICK CHENEY LIZARD PEOPLE FROM OUTER SPACE WHO EAT HUMAN FLESH? For years, this is the one question the world has wanted to ask, as it is the only rational explanation for two beings that look human but in no way acted like it when they were in office. Yesterday, the world finally got its chance. Suspected lizard Donald Rumsfeld went on The Opie & Anthony Show to discuss his new book. Luckily for humanity, our greatest living stand-up comedian, Louis C.K., was also a guest, and he asked Rumsfelf point-blank if he is a lizard. Rumsfeld’s response? Some weird story about a guy buying him dinner that had nothing to do with the question. C.K. went on to ask the question a few more times during the interview, and specifically asked if Rumsfeld ate Mexican babies, but he wouldn’t even explain why he wouldn’t respond to the lizard question. The lizard question is first posed at the 2:37 mark in this video. After the interview, Louis C.K. supports his conclusion that Rumsfeld is obviously a space lizard.

It may be a little late to save any of those lives lost in Iraq, but we’ve got you cornered now, lizard man. [Splitsider]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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146 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Of course they don't eat Mexican babies. That's a horrible thing to say! They stick them in the Bass-o-matic blender, splash of rum and make nina coladas.

    1. MsQuasimodo

      I love all the crazy shit you post here, Barbara_I — what's your facebook name? I wanna friend you!!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      To be fair, most giant extinct reptiles with brains the size of a walnut could run a war better than Rumsfeld did. But then, you go to war with the extinct reptiles you have, not the extinct reptiles you want.

  2. Redhead

    And if Glenn Beck has taught us anything (other than how to rape and murder young girls in 1990), it's that if someone doesn't deny the accusations, they must be true.

    Why does Rumsfeld prefer to eat MEXICAN babies? Why does he hate freedumb?

    1. deanbooth

      I searched Netflix to see if there were any Louis CK streaming shows. It recommended his HBO comedy special "based on your interest in Downfall."

  3. MinAgain

    He doesn't actually eat Mexican babies. He just bites off their heads and sucks out the juice. You know, like a lizard alien version of a wax soda bottle.

    1. BornInATrailer

      Rummy jokingly refers to them as Spic-L-Nips.

      (God I feel terrible for writing that but not terrible enough to hit backspace)

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    Remember, Rummie: you go on a radio show with the other guests you have…not the other guests you might want or wish you had.

  5. baconzgood

    "there are known knowns of lizard people; there are lizard people we know we know are lizard people. We also know there are known unknowns of lizard people; that is to say we know there are some lizard people we do not know are lizard people. But there are also unknown unknowns of lizard people — the lizard people we don't know we don't know are lizard people. I hope this clears this subject up. Now lets get to eatin' babies."

    -Donald Rumsfeld (lizard person)-

    1. jim89048

      I'm at that adorable age where Diana makes me tingle far more than Anna. I just wiki'd her–she's nearly 2 years younger than I am; why do they make her look so old?

  6. Ducksworthy

    Fuck you Rummy. Say, why don't you go to Switzerland. The skiing is awesome right now and you can check out the Hague for free. And thanks CK. Also.

  7. bitchincamaro2

    First of all, how fucking desperate must he be to take his roadshow con-job "memoir" to the Opie and Anthony Show?

    Secondly, please continue your tour, starting in say, Spain.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      Yeah, it's pretty sad when you have plug your memoirs between poo jokes and someone asking you if you are a lizard man.

      The only thing he deserves more than this indignity is to be tried and hung for war crimes.

    2. zhubajie

      Well, do you know anyone prepared to waste 25 cents buying it? He had a hard time getting even the usual publishers of boring political memoirs to touch it.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    Seriously, the two-time SECDEF went on Opie & Anthony? What's next, Jeanette Napolitano rides the Sybian? Bruce Babbitt on Loveline?

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      He needs to capture the crucial loser/asshole/pervert demographic dominates American culture.

      He could come to Wonkette, of course, but that only covers the perverts.

    2. MsQuasimodo

      Loveline is still around? I thought Adam Carolla bailed and Dr Drew is now a media whore for celeb addicts on cable teevee.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Yes and his whole determination that 'both sides do it equally'. I actually don't watch him that much anymore.

          1. MsQuasimodo

            He's doing this a lot more lately. I wonder what his corporate overlords or the administration have been telling him. Definitely losing his touch. Colbert still has his though. I think the online Russian Times teevee and the Onion network are taking up the slack, and actually doing some real news with the snark/satire.

      2. mrblifil

        Sucked up to Condi Rice too. John is headed for this own "Crossfire" moment eventually. "I accept your apology" was a really snot-nosed provocation of his viewer base, similar to his surprise bitch slap he applied during the anti-Beck rally that he actually promoted. Only to turn around and tell liberals to be nice. I think in 2 years we're in Dennis Miller territory.

        1. ManchuCandidate

          He has a point, but the idea of serious "intellectual" debate has eroded since 1994 when the Newty Toots took over Congress. One side willing to work together and the other holding their breath isn't a debate. Arguments like that usually end with fists flying. Nice only lasts so long.

        2. chickensmack

          Nah, Dennis Miller just went back and hid where it was safe after September 11th… in the cradle of his hard-workin' corn-pone horseback conservative values. Or whatever it was that spawned his career in "Dig Me!"

          Someone recently implied that Jon must handle people nicely, else he lose the chance to interview controversial figures. I personally hope that he wants to do this, so he can get a chance at Bush or Dead Cheney.

        3. horsedreamer_1

          The FOX Report with Your Panel: Geraldo Rivera, Greta van Susteren, Jon Stewart, &… because we can't seem to find a way to get rid of her… Mara Liaisson.

          1. Dudleydidwrong

            Mara Liasson is a perpetually-appearing pain in the ass. I used to think she had a sexy voice, but then she started to sound as if she thought she could think and I discovered that she was a two-bit turncoat. As sad as NPR has become, they could jettison her–preferably into space or Fox (same thing?) and get her away from sentient beings.

  9. SorosBot

    Louis CK was wrong, though; Rumsfeld does not eat Mexican babies. He eats Iraqi and Afghani babies; the Arizona politicians are the ones who eat Mexican babies.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    I thought the Lizard King was Jim Morrison.

    Some dumbasses ruled from the inside of the (5 sided squirrel) cage
    The plutocratic wrestler anointed as their sage
    Who lives in a manse on the guilded side of the road
    Wake up, fuckers! We're almost there!

    We should see Baghdad by mornin'
    We should be inside by evening,

    Kill kill kill
    Oil oil oil
    oil oil oil oil
    i will get you
    soon,
    soon,
    soon

    i am (Don Rumsfled) the lizard king
    i fuck up everything

    We sent down
    The bombers and infantry
    We thought we'd get
    flowers and candy

  11. mrblifil

    Joyce and I were sitting there in the little Italian restaurant and a man insisted to pay for your dinner…

    I think this scene was cut from Goodfellas…

  12. donner_froh

    Brilliant and perceptive though Louis CK may be, he has only touched on the evil of Rummy with his accusation of eating Mexican babies. He should rot in the hell of Dante where the "tyrants, warmongers and assassins" are immersed in the river Phlegethon which is filled with boiling blood and has an indescribable stench. They are shot with arrows by Centaurs when they try to escape.

    Sounds like a good start for him.

  13. bureaucrap

    Since no one else has asked it, I will:

    Is Rumsfeld Kang and Cheney Kodos? Or the other way around?

    In any case, don't blame me; I didn't vote for either of 'em.

  14. CapeClod

    I think he's more like a Komodo Dragon. Slimy to touch and absolutely toxic. They also eat their prey alive.

  15. mrblifil

    I used to see Louis CK pretty often back when he still did the tiny club circuit in NYC. His routine about the term "bag of dicks" will always stand out in my mind.

  16. V572625694

    Thanks for the reminder of why listening to "Morning-Zoo"-style talk radio is a brain-destroying waste of time, as opposed to commenting on our Wonkett, which is a brain-enhancing waste of time. And Rummy: Will you hawk your awful non-apologetic apologia everywhere and anywhere? Have you no shame?

    Okay, dumb question. That issue was settled at Abu Ghraib.

  17. mavenmaven

    Talking about the lizard people, did anyone notice that Huckabee refused to say that Obama was a Christian (last night on Colbert)?

    1. SorosBot

      So it's multiple choice time! Was Fuckabee:

      A) Pandering to the bigoted base

      B) An actual believer in the "secret Muslim" or "secret atheist" conspiracy theory

      C) A believer in the "only crazed fundamentalist Baptist extremists are real Christians" crap

      D) All of the above

      E) None of the above

    2. ttommyunger

      Sorry, I never pay any attention to what that non-preacher, non-candidate, non-politician says; about anything.

  18. prommie

    Hey, who is "liberal = intolerant," is this the downfisting troll? And how do I block it from following me?

    1. SorosBot

      Yep, he's following a whole bunch of us and brags about his downfisting on the Breitbart sites, claiming it drives us crazy; he's so pathetic I'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a creep. Dude needs to see a shrink.

  19. ttommyunger

    Rummie is just one more obscenely wealthy American Criminal. There are only two kinds of Criminal: The Caught and the Un-Caught. Rummy, so far, is of the latter persuasion.

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      what about 'the caught' that don't know they have been? Or the 'un-caught' whom believe they may…oh, fuck it…Rummy is an asshole.

      1. ttommyunger

        He'd have to finger-bang a couple of legal age tarts in Sweden for that to happen. Killing thousands of innocent civilians won't quite make the grade in our “Justice System”.

  20. Beowoof

    Jim Morrison was the Lizard King and I am pretty sure he would want nothing to do with a scumbag such as Rummy.

  21. bflrtsplk

    Come on. He's not a lizard person. He's a person lizard. There's a big distinction, which maybe someone will 'splain me when I grow up. Can you blame him for not answering that question.

  22. inedalo

    i don't know if lizard-like Rumsfeld is actually a lizard, but how many of you know that he was the dude who foisted the poisonous additive Aspartame on us, despite scientific evidence that this was not a healthy thing to do.
    so lizard or not, he is certainly a Wizard of deleterious evil acts against humanity.
    can someone research this, instead of harping on this Lizard-or-not-to-be-a-Lizard meme.
    thank you all, wonketeers.

  23. moralturpentine

    We know where they (the Lizard People) are. They're in the area around Rumsfeld and Cheney and east, west, south and north somewhat.

  24. NJRightWinger12

    Wow, funny stuff, from liberal Louis C#$K-gee, I wonder what the missing letters are? I can take a guess, and it would describe this totally unfunny "comic" to a T, but also it would get me banned! Def. Sec. Rumsfeld-doesnt anyone have any respect on this left-winged site anymore? He didnt kill muslim children, you tree hugging twerps!

    1. Radiotherapy

      Def. Sec. Rumsfeld-doesnt anyone have any respect on this left-winged site anymore?

      As sure as Saddam didn't have any WMD's, there was NEVER any respect for the lizard king-baby killer
      Now go suck Cristy's pud, if you can find it, poopyhead.

      1. NJRightWinger12

        Wow, that was so insightful and rational! I guess when I go on left winged sites like this I can expect answers like that! He, and we, were told OVER and OVER, esp by the Dems, that Saddam HAd WMD's, of which he did, but got rid of them after our 17 UN inspections! He used them on his own people-the Kurds-during the Iraq-Iran War, or does not your personal history account for anything that happened before BJ CLITon?

        1. Radiotherapy

          You're right, the Dems pandered to WMD hysteria just as much as Cheney, et al lied. Look up the 23 Senators who voted against the War Powers Act. There were plenty of people who knew it was bogus.
          I'll keep it simple for you. If the intent of the 911 overreaction was to attack a sovereign country that had a dictator, harbored terrorists, and had WMD's, why didn't they attack Pakistan? Or Iran? Well our brave, constitutionally protected Socialism (the military) would have got their ass-kicked. Much easier to attack a puppet that you propped up (oh how I love the picture of Rumsfield shaking Saddam's hand) and a wasteland. All the while doubling the defense budget and out-sourcing the endless wars.
          So if you can't admit the WMD's were a hoax, and even Bush Jr. and Innanity admit there were none, then, go vote for Palin you blind, self-righteous poopyhead.

          1. NJRightWinger12

            Ok, Radio"dick" head, I'll explain it for you in terms you may understand. First of all, insulting our military is so low class and cowardly, youre probably a tree hugging flat earth global warming fruitcake! We "attacked" Saddam cause he was THREATENING US! Dont you libs understand the difference between him and others of his ilk? Is he the only bad guy around-NO! Was he training Al-Queda thugs? YES! Was he proposing invading neighboring countries who are our alies? YES! Did Runsfeld shake his hand 20 years ago? YES! Didnt Hitler and your idol Chamberlain-Neville, not Wilt-shake hands too? A lot of enemies have met under tamer situations years earlier, so that handshake Saddam and Rummy had meant nothing in the scheme of things. And YES, Id vote for Gov Palin in a heartbeat over the idiot in chief OBOWmah we have now!

          2. Radiotherapy

            Keep dredging up your Beck-Neocon-Krystol excuses for what amounts to an international crime. 1st off, i find it humorous how much you fucks hate the gov't, want to limit gov't,, and don't want to pay for gov't, EXCEPT the most precious Socialism in gov't: the Military-Industrial complex.Oh, most definitely the Defense Dep't is above reproach. 2nd, saddam was 'threatening us'. Yeah, i saw the D-Day invasion force he had waiting to attack us — or was that just the WMD's he DIDN'T have? Or the non-existant al-quaeda hordes? 3rd, like most Föx crap eaters, you get history extrapolated off of one half-baked truth. You should read about Neville Chamberlain:
            By 1935, faced with a resurgent Germany under Hitler's leadership, he was convinced of the need for rearmament. Chamberlain especially urged the strengthening of the Royal Air Force, realising that Britain's traditional bulwark, the English Channel, was no defence against air power.
            He was succeeded by Winston Churchill and remained very well regarded in Parliament, especially among Conservatives. Before ill health forced him to resign, he was an important member of Churchill's War Cabinet, heading it in the new premier's absence.
            But that kind of history may be a little too complex and subtle for you and your Alaskunt™ hero.

          3. SorosBot

            Oh and look at the charming comment this man left on one of the Big Racist Breitbart's site: http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9LKFVJO0

            "Activists should be hunted! That way, they kill two birds with one stone, and the dolphins get saved to boot!"

            By the way, it's in support of Japan's dolphin murdering. People need to keep an eye on this one, that he doesn't follow in the wake of his fellow conservative Jared Loughner and start killing liberals for real.

          4. NJRightWinger12

            Wow, youve been following me,,sounds like someones got a con-crush on me! BTW, Loughner was a LEFT-WING NUTCASE, not right wing, and whatever he was, it doesnt excuse the fact of what he did! Wheres the era of "tolerance and acceptance" you libs cried for? Oh, thats just for conservatives to follow, right? Not yous guys;in fact, youve just been worse since then!

          5. SorosBot

            Yes, a left-wing nut who hated women, believed in One-World-Government conspiracy theories, tried to assassinate a Democratic Congresswoman, and listed an Ayn Rand book and Mein Kampf among his favorite books. Riight.

          6. NJRightWinger12

            Are you trying to say Loughner was a RIGHT winger? He subscribed to left winged websites and followed them-where they HELL do u libs get ur info from!

          7. SorosBot

            Saddam was not threatening us at all, many of us recognized from the beginning that he had no WMD, the invasion killed hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, and "youre probably a tree hugging flat earth global warming fruitcake" is telling, because you actually think you can insult us for excepting proven scientific fact that you conservative morons decide to just refuse to accept. No matter how many times you say the Earth is flat, it''s still round, idiot.

          8. NJRightWinger12

            Your name says it all, huh? You follow Soros, a flaming commie who has designs to destroy the worlds currency and promote islamic revolutuons? Well, you must know better than me! and yeah, Saddam wasnt doing nuttin, right? wow, when are you kids going to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE?!

          9. SorosBot

            Nice to call one of the people most directly responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union a "flaming commie". But hey, he does um, donate some money to liberal causes. Hyperbolic much?

          10. NJRightWinger12

            Sosros was responsible for Soviet Unions fall? Gee, I guess Reagan did nothing about it, or do u libs still think it was Carter and Gorby? Thats like saying Hitler brought on the end of WWII by losing!

          11. SorosBot

            You might try a little something called "learning", because yes, Soros bankrolled dissident movements throughout the Iron Curtain countries and helped bring about the fall of the Soviet Union and Warsaw Pact; and despite the Right's revisionist history, no Reagan had absolutely nothing to do with the Soviets' fall.

          12. NJRightWinger12

            Um, ok, soros bot,,It was Charlie Wilsons War, right? And Soros is such a patriotic American, leading the causes for social issues and communism everywhere! When will you realize its better to be a conservative than a liberal?

      1. NJRightWinger12

        My size, in inches! A dumb "question" from a dummy deserves a dumb answer! Only my answer is true! Whats your excuse?

          1. bflrtsplk

            Talk talk talk. Rumsfeld has a sordid history going back to Nixon and only a fool would defend it. Give up already.

          2. NJRightWinger12

            Sordid, huh? When are you libs going to WAKE UP! Were in a war for our survival against islamic terrorism and all you people want to do is fight amongst ourselves! You, and your fearless leader have declared war on "us", Conservatives who are fellow Americans! Grow up , already!

  25. deelzebub

    Louis C.K. wrote and directed Pootie Tang; for that I will be eternally grateful and will praise each and every thing he does until his death. That is all.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      That. Explains. Everything.

      I cannot seem to get my friends to board the Pootie Tang train. I shall try this new and improved tack.

  26. Radiotherapy

    Did anybody else vote in the sidebar straw poll at that site? Of course, I rode the wild 'stache.

    Bolton/Lizards '12

  27. NJRightWinger12

    And did the "peace loving, warm-hearted Muslims" ever kill Christian and Jewish children, or men and women, for any reason? HMMM, I guess not, right? Or did they have Rumsfeld do it?

  28. zhubajie

    In a general way, for most of the last 1500 years, a Jew or a minorityChristian was safer in the Middle East than Latin (“Western”) Europe.That's why there are Nestorians and Monophysites and Mandaeans in thetraditional Middle East, but not in traditional Europe. That's whyMaimonides headed for Egypt when he had to leave Spain. That's whymost of Spain's Jews ended up in the Ottoman Empire, after 1492.The Byzantine Empire was in between — safer than France, less safethan Egypt or Iraq.

    1. NJRightWinger12

      Um,ok, gee, youre right-WTF are you talking about? Ooops, I can say fuck here, cant I? Real classy site yous got here dere!

  29. Who_Knew_Too

    Rumsfeld is hustling his book like a hooker hustles her ass. Little wonder why he sucked up to the bush crime family.

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