Alright, you knuckle-biting asshandlers, it’s time for your favorite Pulitzer Prize-winning kolumn to return with a sexy vengeance! Yes, fapping masses, your weekly investigative report/breathless Obamarrr fanfic installment is back. I’ve been busy traveling to tell jokes and do filthy things with your D.C.-based Wonketteers (and also Jim Newell.) Here is what Muamarbama Barackfi did this week while Michelle tried to teach a nation of fat shitsacks to eat non-fried vegetables. As per usual, you can follow along at home by watching Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s stimulating and sweaty “West Wing Week.” Got your hand lotion and empty sock ready? Good!
On Friday, Bammerz went to Oregon to meet with the nerds at Intel, all of whom breathed heavily and whined in terror that this giant basketball jock was going to give them swirlies. Instead, he restricted his torment of them to wedgies, which is why he is An American Hero. Then these bitter, cotton-choked assholes had their revenge by forcing your president to play with an electron microscope. Thus do the abused become the abusers: sometimes they put on trenchcoats and shoot up the whole school, “I Don’t Like Mondays”-style; other times they make a fortune manufacturing electronic data “chips.” Potato, potahto! And of course, there was a science fair. Jesus God, does this man like to visit science fairs.
On Monday, your lazy piece-of-shit-in-chief “mostly” took the day off. Motherfucker. The previous president, George Washington Carver Bush, never took a moment off. He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind.
On Tuesday, punishment was dealt swiftly and justly when Obama was forced to go to Cleveland and hang out with small businesspeople. Don’t miss a bonus fap-inducing Austan Goolsbee appearance at 3:33!
On Wednesday, Bamz and H.R. Clinton kicked it in the Official White House Fancy Lobby to talk shit on squishy potato-faced dictator Qaddafi/Gaddafi, whose visage also resembles that of a bowl of steel-cut Irish oats with brown sugar mixed in, for racism. In a remarkable revelation, Barack Obama affirmed that he does not like this violence of the totalitarian governments and the such. In fact, he said it is truly, truly, truly “outrageous!”
On Thursday, Barry talked to the rich people who are going to save the economy, including GE CEO Jeffery Immelt. “Man is it weird working with those creative types at the NBC,” said Jeffrey. “Always they are wanting to do things with the Art, and I am like, whoa, why not just put a lightbulb in your butt, for funs?”
Enjoy your weekend, you polyps on the anus of American democracy. I will be making the comedies thrice in various locations, and I invite those of you in New York to appear and laugh/cry. I shall especially highlight my hosting of an Oscars party in a hipster Jewish event space. So you could go to that. Or you could fuck off and die. It is really your choice, because of Freedom.