BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  2:33 pm February 25, 2011

Barack Obama Won’t Stop Crashing Science Fairs

by Sara Benincasa

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.Alright, you knuckle-biting asshandlers, it’s time for your favorite Pulitzer Prize-winning kolumn to return with a sexy vengeance! Yes, fapping masses, your weekly investigative report/breathless Obamarrr fanfic installment is back. I’ve been busy traveling to tell jokes and do filthy things with your D.C.-based Wonketteers (and also Jim Newell.) Here is what Muamarbama Barackfi did this week while Michelle tried to teach a nation of fat shitsacks to eat non-fried vegetables. As per usual, you can follow along at home by watching Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s stimulating and sweaty “West Wing Week.” Got your hand lotion and empty sock ready? Good!

On Friday, Bammerz went to Oregon to meet with the nerds at Intel, all of whom breathed heavily and whined in terror that this giant basketball jock was going to give them swirlies. Instead, he restricted his torment of them to wedgies, which is why he is An American Hero. Then these bitter, cotton-choked assholes had their revenge by forcing your president to play with an electron microscope. Thus do the abused become the abusers: sometimes they put on trenchcoats and shoot up the whole school, “I Don’t Like Mondays”-style; other times they make a fortune manufacturing electronic data “chips.” Potato, potahto! And of course, there was a science fair. Jesus God, does this man like to visit science fairs.

On Monday, your lazy piece-of-shit-in-chief “mostly” took the day off. Motherfucker. The previous president, George Washington Carver Bush, never took a moment off. He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind.

On Tuesday, punishment was dealt swiftly and justly when Obama was forced to go to Cleveland and hang out with small businesspeople. Don’t miss a bonus fap-inducing Austan Goolsbee appearance at 3:33!

On Wednesday, Bamz and H.R. Clinton kicked it in the Official White House Fancy Lobby to talk shit on squishy potato-faced dictator Qaddafi/Gaddafi, whose visage also resembles that of a bowl of steel-cut Irish oats with brown sugar mixed in, for racism. In a remarkable revelation, Barack Obama affirmed that he does not like this violence of the totalitarian governments and the such. In fact, he said it is truly, truly, truly “outrageous!”

On Thursday, Barry talked to the rich people who are going to save the economy, including GE CEO Jeffery Immelt. “Man is it weird working with those creative types at the NBC,” said Jeffrey. “Always they are wanting to do things with the Art, and I am like, whoa, why not just put a lightbulb in your butt, for funs?”

Enjoy your weekend, you polyps on the anus of American democracy. I will be making the comedies thrice in various locations, and I invite those of you in New York to appear and laugh/cry. I shall especially highlight my hosting of an Oscars party in a hipster Jewish event space. So you could go to that. Or you could fuck off and die. It is really your choice, because of Freedom.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 120 comments }

littlebigdaddy February 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Yay, Sara's back! Good ole Fapping Friday is too!

Bonzos_Bed_Time February 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm

You so know your audience.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

"why not just put a lightbulb in your butt, for funs?” I'm going green and using the new ones. When I fap off, I like a surprising twist in the end.

sarabenincasa February 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm

HAHA TWIST IN THE END! I like it!

WriteyWriterton February 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

…or, per B. Dylan, sort of, "A Simple Twist of F[ell]ate."

SorosBot February 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm

How is it that none of our current overlords have reached the dark green p zone, but Newell has (see below)? Regardless you and Ken always get an upfisting from me.

DoktorZoom February 26, 2011 at 5:06 pm

It occurs to me that we could help rejigger our overlords' pee scores if we "follow" them. This does not necessarily involve stalking, though in the case of Ms. B, why even pretend?

mumbly_joe February 28, 2011 at 8:57 am

Oh, Jegus, I hadn't even notice that my pee had changed color recently, until you said something. Should I see a doctor? Or at least drink more fluids?

WriteyWriterton February 27, 2011 at 12:23 am

A simple twist of f[ell]ate.

Barbara_i February 27, 2011 at 2:56 am

You are a HEAD of the game, my friend.

chickensmack February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

minus the "happy ending," GMTA. I was going to cook mine in a "mercury poisoning" reduction, for great flavor.

GuyClinch February 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Hey, I just tried it with the flourescent bulb, and it was fun and all, but next time I'm going with the compact type. It was hard getting 36" up there without breakage.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I'm pretty sure that skank Kim Kardashian has been sticking grow lights up her starfish. She just said that she will not "endorse butt enhancement pills" Jesus, just eat Ben & Jerry's thrice daily and forget the meds.

elviouslyqueer February 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Oh, way to insult decent, self-respecting starfish, Babs.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Sorry, my bad. They aren't really butt enhancing pills. They are just freaking M&M's that were rejected by quality control. Who would buy "W" pills anyway?

Angry_Marmot February 26, 2011 at 10:24 pm

And somehow the afterglow's just not the same.

SorosBot February 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

That sounds painful.

bitchincamaro2 February 25, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I highly recommend the state of the art, LED tape lights. I can get thirty or forty linear feet up there and upon extraction, a thorough colon "flossing" is achieved. Again, this is done as always, for the troops.

Lost_Teabaggers February 25, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Ah…so your pleasure of a clean colon helps the troops? Well, the process did give Bush his decision to invade in the first place…oh wait, he shoved a six pack of Bud up his ass and had Cheney pull them out, my bad…carry on.

Angry_Marmot February 26, 2011 at 10:38 pm

I tried it with a fluorescent, but somehow the afterglow's just not the same.

neiltheblaze February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

The freedom to fuck off and die is what it's all about.

Gratuitous World February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

i thoguht the 'hipster jewish event space' hosted the Independent Spirit Awards.

chickensmack February 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

What are these "science fairs" you speak of, Sara? Are they like "laissez-faires"? That's all teabaggers would know.

weejee February 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Well the biology part is sorta like subway or bus fares. Ya pays yer monies and then get to watch evolution and survival of the fittest unfold before your eyes. That is iffin' yer lucky enough to make it to your stop.

Lost_Teabaggers February 26, 2011 at 12:00 am

You're giving them far too much credit for having a philosophy that even approximates sense…no the tea baggers understand "free markets" cuz' they say freedumz…and freedumz is good! That's why Republicans insert freedom or liberty in every single god awful bill they create…they go with patriotism when they really want to get the troglydites fappin' for them. In fact, when the Republicans formally sign us over to become a military/theocratic dictatorship…the little shits will read "the freedom and liberty for good patriotism act" and probably have some such other evangelical code word in there…the point is, on that day we're thoroughly fucked…

user-of-owls February 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Is it true that comedians belong to a union? People need to know this.

freakishlywrong February 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

squishy potato-faced dictator Qaddafi/Gaddafi, whose visage also resembles that of a bowl of steel-cut Irish oats with brown sugar mixed in, for racism

Many a fapping fists to you for that line, Sara Benincasa, if that is indeed your real name.

SorosBot February 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

As much as Obama can annoy me at times, seeing that he's a fellow nerd who geeks out around scientists is always cool.

Lost_Teabaggers February 26, 2011 at 12:09 am

Eh…I hate to break it to you evil, anti-American sorosbot (Glenn Beck just shat backwards at such a suggestion) but Obammar was hanging out with the computer geeks because he just named their asshole boss part of his "economic" team of shitbag laissez faire capitalists without a single Stiglitz, or Warren or Krugman on the board to laugh at their incredibly selfish, short sighted economic powergrab politics masquerading as policy…so he was just kissing the ass of the newest corporation who owns part of his presidency methinks.

Extemporanus February 25, 2011 at 2:50 pm

The 3-to-1 ass-to-masturbation reference ratio of your kolumn sums up the week perfectly, you buttsecks-obsessed, shithole-fisting clit flicker.

chickensmack February 25, 2011 at 3:04 pm

You're just begging to get up-fisted by Sara. Kiss-ass.

Extemporanus February 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

As the Wanketteer responsible for introducing "p-ness" "fisting" into the lexicon of our civilized online discourse, I should not have to beg for such a famous-fingered anus-banging.

And yet, beg I do…

neiltheblaze February 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

You silver tongued devil.

Extemporanus February 25, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I actually just had it bronzed, for posteriorty.

bagofmice February 25, 2011 at 5:03 pm

That'll put you one step lower on the podium…. Ohhh, I get it.

WriteyWriterton February 27, 2011 at 12:25 am

AND for the troops.

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr February 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

I've never been so jealous of people in a limo. Lucky bastards.

HistoriCat February 25, 2011 at 3:01 pm

They're holding out on us … not a word about this special soiree from Riley and I don't recall seeing squat about it from Arielle in any reports of the "happenings". And don't me started on the hanging out with the dearly departed (the late Jim Newell).

V572625694 February 25, 2011 at 3:41 pm

And Sara "K" Smith was a ray of angry sunshine around here too…But the kurrent krewe is bringing the funnye in high style (he said, fearful of the banhammer).

AutomaticPilot February 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm

You just need to follow Sara on teh Twitterz to learn about such happenings.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

I will wear the designation of “polyp on the anus of American democracy” with pride.

*Chest swells and tears flow*

gef05 February 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Today we are all polyps on the arse of America.

Well, we're something on someone's arse, let's put it that way.

Lost_Teabaggers February 26, 2011 at 12:43 am

Yes…but weren't polyps removed from Glenn Beck's anus? How can you be sure you're not one of those….?……Alright, let's see your birf certificate you socialist/commonist/muslinist/mormonist polyp!

LionelHutzEsq February 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Damn. I was planning to fuck off and die this weekend, but now that I have your permission, it just doesn't seem as hip and trendy as I hoped it would be.

Extemporanus February 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I fucked-off and died before it was cool.

bflrtsplk February 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I tried to fuck off and die, but it didn't work out. Now what?

LionelHutzEsq February 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Which part did you have problems with?

bflrtsplk February 25, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Too complicated. I'll have to draw you a picture when I can afford crayons.

assistantatlas February 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

I think we have witnessed history: a Jem reference in an analysis of President Barry's foreign policy positions. But what's really outrageous is that we haven't seen this sort of thing before from one of our wise Washington pundits, like David Broder, who regularly dresses as Jem for Halloween (and indeed, non-Halloween days, also).

SayItWithWookies February 25, 2011 at 2:55 pm

The previous president, George Washington Carver Bush, never took a moment off. He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind.

Oh, Dubya's done — he cleared all that brush. Well not really, but Laura doesn't have the heart to tell him they've moved to Dallas.

harry_palmer February 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

The white half of Obama that wants to be Reagan refuses to recognize MLK Day and took Presidents Day off.

slithytoves February 25, 2011 at 3:02 pm

On Tuesday, punishment was dealt swiftly and justly when Obama was forced to go to Cleveland and hang out with small businesspeople.

I think they prefer to be called "little people." And I hear that sometimes they have "big business."

metamarcisf February 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm

And they are to be respected, unless of course they have resorted to "heightening".

elviouslyqueer February 25, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Hey hey HEY! That's festering polyps on the anus of American democracy to you, missy!

ManchuCandidate February 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Jeffers Immolation would never ask anyone to shove a light bulb up their ass unless it was the most optimal and efficient way that was approved by a Six Sigma Blackbelt.

mourningnmerica February 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm

When I was doin' the corporate worker bee thing we referred to it as Sick Smegma.

aguacatero February 25, 2011 at 3:08 pm

They're aren't, in fact … unless Michael Steele is a Republican.

DeeJayKitteh February 25, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Not intentionally funny, anyway.

ManchuCandidate February 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Hey now… That Dennis Miller… uh no… Mallard Fillmore is a … wait. Howzabout that Faux Newz knock off the Daily Show… it got canceled after two weeks… Kelsey Grammer? Nick DePaulo's a laugh riot always talking about prison rape…

Jason_inthe_Peg February 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Oh sweeeeeet sweeeet column. Fap fap fap. Please don't ever stop calling me those dirty dirty names. Fap fap fap.

metamarcisf February 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Whew! What a week, Sara. Thanks for the mammaries.

MinAgain February 25, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Yum, my hand lotion smells like a margarita. At least, I think that's my hand lotion.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Do you salt the rim or prefer not to?

MinAgain February 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Only when I get a spa treatment, if you know what I mean.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm

You are very funny, thanks!

horsedreamer_1 February 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm

In the movie, the part of 'Jim Newell' will be played by Will Oldham.

jimnewell February 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm

That photo of the unkempt ginger is terrifying.

sarabenincasa February 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm

It's gloriously handsome, you fuck!

LionelHutzEsq February 25, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I didn't notice in the photo…, Did Sara need a wax job?

Negropolis February 26, 2011 at 1:26 am

You look like a total boss hanging out in the back of the limo. Now, all you need is a good rap name…

mereoblivion February 25, 2011 at 3:17 pm

So what the's diff (I ax myself) between Sara telling us Wonketeers to fuck off and die this afternoon and Gov. Wanker offering the very same advice for the past two weeks? And the answer cometh: Sara loves us. You can see it in her eyes. That's the diff.

V572625694 February 25, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Sure she's tough on us. But she's tough on us because she loves us.

sarabenincasa February 25, 2011 at 4:13 pm

CORRECT.

V572625694 February 25, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Squee!

Weenus299 February 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

polyps on the anus of American democracy.

I remember as a child being introduced to the word "polyp." The big-time GE/NBC network news superstar John Chancellor was describing how the doctors would drive into the Gipper's anus and attempt to prick out the little boogers that attached themselves on the First Colon.

You give me these sweet memories, dearest S.

Radiotherapy February 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I fapped the Reagan years away. Benincasa Style.

Radiotherapy February 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I thought Austan Goolsbee up-fucked and died, or at least choked to death on red balloons.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Yeah, when you ask for their credentials and they show you their fishing license and you see the Dateline News crew, circling the neighborhood in their van it's time to get out.

L188188 February 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Science fairs. Small business people. But the fucker can't come to Madison and hang with some decent protesters.

Jukesgrrl February 25, 2011 at 3:45 pm

On Tuesday he went to Cleveland to meet with small business people. Apparently he'll only meet with them in the White House when they make enough profit to hire lobbyists.

sati_demise February 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Science is having a bit of a struggle with Monsanto:

http://farmandranchfreedom.org/gmo-miscarriages

terrifying.

SorosBot February 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I hope those animal miscarriages are investigated and the mother animals charged with murder if the miscarriage was their fault.

AutomaticPilot February 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

And punished with the death penalty!

ManchuCandidate February 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Not shocking because Bayer's version might be killing Bee colonies.

PresBeeblebrox February 25, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Next up, a GMO version of Cthulhu. Yay?

DaRooster February 28, 2011 at 10:58 am
GodShammgod February 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Why would Barack Obama want to go to a science fair? To tell all the kids participating that all the science jobs are going to be outsourced to China and India thanks to him and his "jobs czar" Immelt?

DaRooster February 28, 2011 at 10:56 am

Yep, givin' them the heads-up on where to move.

sarabenincasa February 25, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Yoga!

el_donaldo February 25, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Well, if yoga can get me there, I'm probably not going to be biting my knuckles.

bagofmice February 25, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Glad to know I wasn't the only one contemplating that conundrum. (damn, you beat me to it!)

Although beating me to ass handling knuckle-biting…

Extemporanus February 25, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Where does it say that the knuckles and ass are both necessarily yours?

ShaveTheWhales February 25, 2011 at 10:58 pm

or either?

LesBontemps February 25, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Hey Sara, I notice your TeeVee credits (for the Tribeca thingy) even list CUNY-TV (!), yet no mention of your dalliance with mega-hawt Alyona Minkovski on RUTV. What are you trying to hide, and is there video? Your fapping fan(s) want(s) to know.

PresBeeblebrox February 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Just the thought of the name Alyona makes me want to fap my хуй.

FlipOffResearch February 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

To be a little Zen about it – what is the sound of one hand fapping?

bitchincamaro2 February 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

If you have to ask, etc., etc.

ttommyunger February 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Shit, Sara; already fapped.

PublicLuxury February 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I love White House p0rn.

BarackMyWorld February 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I need some advice:

How do I ask Sara Benincasa to marry me without sounding creepy?

Thx.

-BMW

bitchincamaro2 February 25, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Feed her roofies and plug her ears with Wonder bread first.

Barbara_i February 25, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I can pass her a note during study hall, if you would like.

WriteyWriterton February 27, 2011 at 12:29 am

Use the tin-can phones connected with laundry-line. Worked for me!

bflrtsplk February 25, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Can't afford hand lotion and the only empty socks I got are on my feet, so I'm stuck with a three-year old condom and blisters. But I'm not a loser per se.

Limeylizzie February 25, 2011 at 9:12 pm

What a fantastic image that is

WhatTheHeck February 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm

when Sara comes along
you must whip it
now whip us into shape
Its not
too late
you must whip us

rocktonsam February 25, 2011 at 9:48 pm

fat shitsacks

priceless

BTWBFDIMHO February 25, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Jeez! I was afraid she was already living in a beduin tent in Banghazi.

Negropolis February 26, 2011 at 1:31 am

Are you sure it was Bang(!)Koch?

VinnyThePooh February 26, 2011 at 12:15 am

El ahrairah fails to understand that American ingenuity wasn't born here. It was lured here with big money. Now that the dollar is worth less than a VHS Product Registration Form, the innovative minds of creation are finding better opportunities elsewhere.

Welcome to the Third World, America. Just where conservatards want us.

Negropolis February 26, 2011 at 12:54 am

Spelling column with a "k" totally brings out of the unexpressed "n" at the end of the word.

"knuckle-biting asshandlers" eh? I think I saw that movie.

AKHottie February 26, 2011 at 5:06 am

Jeebus Spaceman PsyOps, I've been trying to post on wonkette before last call and end of teh freewireless – and the end of life as we know it. But teh 4 Gs weren't there. And I haz smartzfone, not eyezfone, and O'bama is bombing Tripoli. That is all.

Drink!

onemoretime79 February 26, 2011 at 7:27 pm

The President was into my neighborhood recently. I saw the populace buying up local organics, because they were excited. Also, a snow storm was about to occur.

It was pleasing to me on a personal note, that the populace were not upset about this powerful persons' visit. (Should I admit that I've been and spent time in Louisiana? So as to get some perspective, dear reader, I confess.)

He made adults wait while he talked to science and math children, at Intel.
The kids were totally for it; but you know. You can't trust kids as far as you can throw 'em.

Also. Those adults in line buying supplies before the snowstorm hit? They were happy.

It's hard to figure, from someone like me…who was only born to know hatred of donkeys in power. Go fucking figure, to alot of the rest of the nation assholes.

Too general?

Negropolis February 26, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Que the Fuck?

onemoretime79 February 27, 2011 at 12:58 am

been listening to faith no more, simple enough for you?

Negropolis February 27, 2011 at 3:30 am

Are you all right?

onemoretime79 February 28, 2011 at 12:02 pm

other than being embarrassed by my drunk ass posting? yes, thank you. sorry.

onemoretime79 February 26, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Too general, or two drunk

lulzmonger February 26, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Sara's got 99 problem's but a ginger ain't one.
A polyp, perhaps, but at least I'm benign.

DaRooster February 28, 2011 at 10:50 am

W-"He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind."

( So, he's still trying to figure out how to fuck people over to greatly benefit himself and friends?… heh, heh, heh…)

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