barry can you hear me?

Barack Obama Won’t Stop Crashing Science Fairs

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.Alright, you knuckle-biting asshandlers, it’s time for your favorite Pulitzer Prize-winning kolumn to return with a sexy vengeance! Yes, fapping masses, your weekly investigative report/breathless Obamarrr fanfic installment is back. I’ve been busy traveling to tell jokes and do filthy things with your D.C.-based Wonketteers (and also Jim Newell.) Here is what Muamarbama Barackfi did this week while Michelle tried to teach a nation of fat shitsacks to eat non-fried vegetables. As per usual, you can follow along at home by watching Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s stimulating and sweaty “West Wing Week.” Got your hand lotion and empty sock ready? Good!

On Friday, Bammerz went to Oregon to meet with the nerds at Intel, all of whom breathed heavily and whined in terror that this giant basketball jock was going to give them swirlies. Instead, he restricted his torment of them to wedgies, which is why he is An American Hero. Then these bitter, cotton-choked assholes had their revenge by forcing your president to play with an electron microscope. Thus do the abused become the abusers: sometimes they put on trenchcoats and shoot up the whole school, “I Don’t Like Mondays”-style; other times they make a fortune manufacturing electronic data “chips.” Potato, potahto! And of course, there was a science fair. Jesus God, does this man like to visit science fairs.

On Monday, your lazy piece-of-shit-in-chief “mostly” took the day off. Motherfucker. The previous president, George Washington Carver Bush, never took a moment off. He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind.

On Tuesday, punishment was dealt swiftly and justly when Obama was forced to go to Cleveland and hang out with small businesspeople. Don’t miss a bonus fap-inducing Austan Goolsbee appearance at 3:33!

On Wednesday, Bamz and H.R. Clinton kicked it in the Official White House Fancy Lobby to talk shit on squishy potato-faced dictator Qaddafi/Gaddafi, whose visage also resembles that of a bowl of steel-cut Irish oats with brown sugar mixed in, for racism. In a remarkable revelation, Barack Obama affirmed that he does not like this violence of the totalitarian governments and the such. In fact, he said it is truly, truly, truly “outrageous!”

On Thursday, Barry talked to the rich people who are going to save the economy, including GE CEO Jeffery Immelt. “Man is it weird working with those creative types at the NBC,” said Jeffrey. “Always they are wanting to do things with the Art, and I am like, whoa, why not just put a lightbulb in your butt, for funs?”

Enjoy your weekend, you polyps on the anus of American democracy. I will be making the comedies thrice in various locations, and I invite those of you in New York to appear and laugh/cry. I shall especially highlight my hosting of an Oscars party in a hipster Jewish event space. So you could go to that. Or you could fuck off and die. It is really your choice, because of Freedom.

About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Yay, Sara's back! Good ole Fapping Friday is too!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    You so know your audience.

  • Barbara_i

    "why not just put a lightbulb in your butt, for funs?” I'm going green and using the new ones. When I fap off, I like a surprising twist in the end.

    • sarabenincasa

      HAHA TWIST IN THE END! I like it!

      • WriteyWriterton

        …or, per B. Dylan, sort of, "A Simple Twist of F[ell]ate."

      • SorosBot

        How is it that none of our current overlords have reached the dark green p zone, but Newell has (see below)? Regardless you and Ken always get an upfisting from me.

        • DoktorZoom

          It occurs to me that we could help rejigger our overlords' pee scores if we "follow" them. This does not necessarily involve stalking, though in the case of Ms. B, why even pretend?

        • mumbly_joe

          Oh, Jegus, I hadn't even notice that my pee had changed color recently, until you said something. Should I see a doctor? Or at least drink more fluids?

      • WriteyWriterton

        A simple twist of f[ell]ate.

        • Barbara_i

          You are a HEAD of the game, my friend.

    • chickensmack

      minus the "happy ending," GMTA. I was going to cook mine in a "mercury poisoning" reduction, for great flavor.

    • GuyClinch

      Hey, I just tried it with the flourescent bulb, and it was fun and all, but next time I'm going with the compact type. It was hard getting 36" up there without breakage.

      • Barbara_i

        I'm pretty sure that skank Kim Kardashian has been sticking grow lights up her starfish. She just said that she will not "endorse butt enhancement pills" Jesus, just eat Ben & Jerry's thrice daily and forget the meds.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Oh, way to insult decent, self-respecting starfish, Babs.

          • Barbara_i

            Sorry, my bad. They aren't really butt enhancing pills. They are just freaking M&M's that were rejected by quality control. Who would buy "W" pills anyway?

      • Angry_Marmot

        And somehow the afterglow's just not the same.

    • SorosBot

      That sounds painful.

    • bitchincamaro2

      I highly recommend the state of the art, LED tape lights. I can get thirty or forty linear feet up there and upon extraction, a thorough colon "flossing" is achieved. Again, this is done as always, for the troops.

      • Lost_Teabaggers

        Ah…so your pleasure of a clean colon helps the troops? Well, the process did give Bush his decision to invade in the first place…oh wait, he shoved a six pack of Bud up his ass and had Cheney pull them out, my bad…carry on.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I tried it with a fluorescent, but somehow the afterglow's just not the same.

  • neiltheblaze

    The freedom to fuck off and die is what it's all about.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i thoguht the 'hipster jewish event space' hosted the Independent Spirit Awards.

  • chickensmack

    What are these "science fairs" you speak of, Sara? Are they like "laissez-faires"? That's all teabaggers would know.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well the biology part is sorta like subway or bus fares. Ya pays yer monies and then get to watch evolution and survival of the fittest unfold before your eyes. That is iffin' yer lucky enough to make it to your stop.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      You're giving them far too much credit for having a philosophy that even approximates sense…no the tea baggers understand "free markets" cuz' they say freedumz…and freedumz is good! That's why Republicans insert freedom or liberty in every single god awful bill they create…they go with patriotism when they really want to get the troglydites fappin' for them. In fact, when the Republicans formally sign us over to become a military/theocratic dictatorship…the little shits will read "the freedom and liberty for good patriotism act" and probably have some such other evangelical code word in there…the point is, on that day we're thoroughly fucked…

  • user-of-owls

    Is it true that comedians belong to a union? People need to know this.

  • freakishlywrong

    squishy potato-faced dictator Qaddafi/Gaddafi, whose visage also resembles that of a bowl of steel-cut Irish oats with brown sugar mixed in, for racism

    Many a fapping fists to you for that line, Sara Benincasa, if that is indeed your real name.

  • SorosBot

    As much as Obama can annoy me at times, seeing that he's a fellow nerd who geeks out around scientists is always cool.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Eh…I hate to break it to you evil, anti-American sorosbot (Glenn Beck just shat backwards at such a suggestion) but Obammar was hanging out with the computer geeks because he just named their asshole boss part of his "economic" team of shitbag laissez faire capitalists without a single Stiglitz, or Warren or Krugman on the board to laugh at their incredibly selfish, short sighted economic powergrab politics masquerading as policy…so he was just kissing the ass of the newest corporation who owns part of his presidency methinks.

  • Extemporanus

    The 3-to-1 ass-to-masturbation reference ratio of your kolumn sums up the week perfectly, you buttsecks-obsessed, shithole-fisting clit flicker.

    • chickensmack

      You're just begging to get up-fisted by Sara. Kiss-ass.

      • Extemporanus

        As the Wanketteer responsible for introducing "p-ness" "fisting" into the lexicon of our civilized online discourse, I should not have to beg for such a famous-fingered anus-banging.

        And yet, beg I do…

    • neiltheblaze

      You silver tongued devil.

      • Extemporanus

        I actually just had it bronzed, for posteriorty.

        • bagofmice

          That'll put you one step lower on the podium…. Ohhh, I get it.

        • WriteyWriterton

          AND for the troops.

  • Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    I've never been so jealous of people in a limo. Lucky bastards.

    • HistoriCat

      They're holding out on us … not a word about this special soiree from Riley and I don't recall seeing squat about it from Arielle in any reports of the "happenings". And don't me started on the hanging out with the dearly departed (the late Jim Newell).

      • V572625694

        And Sara "K" Smith was a ray of angry sunshine around here too…But the kurrent krewe is bringing the funnye in high style (he said, fearful of the banhammer).

      • AutomaticPilot

        You just need to follow Sara on teh Twitterz to learn about such happenings.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I will wear the designation of “polyp on the anus of American democracy” with pride.

    *Chest swells and tears flow*

    • gef05

      Today we are all polyps on the arse of America.

      Well, we're something on someone's arse, let's put it that way.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes…but weren't polyps removed from Glenn Beck's anus? How can you be sure you're not one of those….?……Alright, let's see your birf certificate you socialist/commonist/muslinist/mormonist polyp!

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Damn. I was planning to fuck off and die this weekend, but now that I have your permission, it just doesn't seem as hip and trendy as I hoped it would be.

    • Extemporanus

      I fucked-off and died before it was cool.

      • bflrtsplk

        I tried to fuck off and die, but it didn't work out. Now what?

        • LionelHutzEsq

          Which part did you have problems with?

          • bflrtsplk

            Too complicated. I'll have to draw you a picture when I can afford crayons.

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    I think we have witnessed history: a Jem reference in an analysis of President Barry's foreign policy positions. But what's really outrageous is that we haven't seen this sort of thing before from one of our wise Washington pundits, like David Broder, who regularly dresses as Jem for Halloween (and indeed, non-Halloween days, also).

  • SayItWithWookies

    The previous president, George Washington Carver Bush, never took a moment off. He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind.

    Oh, Dubya's done — he cleared all that brush. Well not really, but Laura doesn't have the heart to tell him they've moved to Dallas.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    The white half of Obama that wants to be Reagan refuses to recognize MLK Day and took Presidents Day off.

  • slithytoves

    On Tuesday, punishment was dealt swiftly and justly when Obama was forced to go to Cleveland and hang out with small businesspeople.

    I think they prefer to be called "little people." And I hear that sometimes they have "big business."

    • metamarcisf

      And they are to be respected, unless of course they have resorted to "heightening".

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hey hey HEY! That's festering polyps on the anus of American democracy to you, missy!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Jeffers Immolation would never ask anyone to shove a light bulb up their ass unless it was the most optimal and efficient way that was approved by a Six Sigma Blackbelt.

    • mourningnmerica

      When I was doin' the corporate worker bee thing we referred to it as Sick Smegma.

  • aguacatero

    They're aren't, in fact … unless Michael Steele is a Republican.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    Not intentionally funny, anyway.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hey now… That Dennis Miller… uh no… Mallard Fillmore is a … wait. Howzabout that Faux Newz knock off the Daily Show… it got canceled after two weeks… Kelsey Grammer? Nick DePaulo's a laugh riot always talking about prison rape…

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    Oh sweeeeeet sweeeet column. Fap fap fap. Please don't ever stop calling me those dirty dirty names. Fap fap fap.

  • metamarcisf

    Whew! What a week, Sara. Thanks for the mammaries.

  • MinAgain

    Yum, my hand lotion smells like a margarita. At least, I think that's my hand lotion.

    • Barbara_i

      Do you salt the rim or prefer not to?

      • MinAgain

        Only when I get a spa treatment, if you know what I mean.

        • Barbara_i

          You are very funny, thanks!

  • horsedreamer_1

    In the movie, the part of 'Jim Newell' will be played by Will Oldham.

  • http://wonkette.com jimnewell

    That photo of the unkempt ginger is terrifying.

    • sarabenincasa

      It's gloriously handsome, you fuck!

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I didn't notice in the photo…, Did Sara need a wax job?

    • Negropolis

      You look like a total boss hanging out in the back of the limo. Now, all you need is a good rap name…

  • mereoblivion

    So what the's diff (I ax myself) between Sara telling us Wonketeers to fuck off and die this afternoon and Gov. Wanker offering the very same advice for the past two weeks? And the answer cometh: Sara loves us. You can see it in her eyes. That's the diff.

    • V572625694

      Sure she's tough on us. But she's tough on us because she loves us.

      • sarabenincasa

        CORRECT.

        • V572625694

          Squee!

  • Weenus299

    polyps on the anus of American democracy.

    I remember as a child being introduced to the word "polyp." The big-time GE/NBC network news superstar John Chancellor was describing how the doctors would drive into the Gipper's anus and attempt to prick out the little boogers that attached themselves on the First Colon.

    You give me these sweet memories, dearest S.

    • Radiotherapy

      I fapped the Reagan years away. Benincasa Style.

  • Radiotherapy

    I thought Austan Goolsbee up-fucked and died, or at least choked to death on red balloons.

  • Barbara_i

    Yeah, when you ask for their credentials and they show you their fishing license and you see the Dateline News crew, circling the neighborhood in their van it's time to get out.

  • L188188

    Science fairs. Small business people. But the fucker can't come to Madison and hang with some decent protesters.

  • Jukesgrrl

    On Tuesday he went to Cleveland to meet with small business people. Apparently he'll only meet with them in the White House when they make enough profit to hire lobbyists.

  • sati_demise

    Science is having a bit of a struggle with Monsanto:

    http://farmandranchfreedom.org/gmo-miscarriages

    terrifying.

    • SorosBot

      I hope those animal miscarriages are investigated and the mother animals charged with murder if the miscarriage was their fault.

      • AutomaticPilot

        And punished with the death penalty!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Not shocking because Bayer's version might be killing Bee colonies.

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      Next up, a GMO version of Cthulhu. Yay?

    • DaRooster
  • GodShammgod

    Why would Barack Obama want to go to a science fair? To tell all the kids participating that all the science jobs are going to be outsourced to China and India thanks to him and his "jobs czar" Immelt?

    • DaRooster

      Yep, givin' them the heads-up on where to move.

  • sarabenincasa

    Yoga!

    • el_donaldo

      Well, if yoga can get me there, I'm probably not going to be biting my knuckles.

      • bagofmice

        Glad to know I wasn't the only one contemplating that conundrum. (damn, you beat me to it!)

        Although beating me to ass handling knuckle-biting…

        • Extemporanus

          Where does it say that the knuckles and ass are both necessarily yours?

          • ShaveTheWhales

            or either?

  • LesBontemps

    Hey Sara, I notice your TeeVee credits (for the Tribeca thingy) even list CUNY-TV (!), yet no mention of your dalliance with mega-hawt Alyona Minkovski on RUTV. What are you trying to hide, and is there video? Your fapping fan(s) want(s) to know.

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      Just the thought of the name Alyona makes me want to fap my хуй.

  • FlipOffResearch

    To be a little Zen about it – what is the sound of one hand fapping?

    • bitchincamaro2

      If you have to ask, etc., etc.

  • ttommyunger

    Shit, Sara; already fapped.

  • PublicLuxury

    I love White House p0rn.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I need some advice:

    How do I ask Sara Benincasa to marry me without sounding creepy?

    Thx.

    -BMW

    • bitchincamaro2

      Feed her roofies and plug her ears with Wonder bread first.

    • Barbara_i

      I can pass her a note during study hall, if you would like.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Use the tin-can phones connected with laundry-line. Worked for me!

  • bflrtsplk

    Can't afford hand lotion and the only empty socks I got are on my feet, so I'm stuck with a three-year old condom and blisters. But I'm not a loser per se.

    • Limeylizzie

      What a fantastic image that is

  • WhatTheHeck

    when Sara comes along
    you must whip it
    now whip us into shape
    Its not
    too late
    you must whip us

  • rocktonsam

    fat shitsacks

    priceless

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Jeez! I was afraid she was already living in a beduin tent in Banghazi.

    • Negropolis

      Are you sure it was Bang(!)Koch?

  • VinnyThePooh

    El ahrairah fails to understand that American ingenuity wasn't born here. It was lured here with big money. Now that the dollar is worth less than a VHS Product Registration Form, the innovative minds of creation are finding better opportunities elsewhere.

    Welcome to the Third World, America. Just where conservatards want us.

  • Negropolis

    Spelling column with a "k" totally brings out of the unexpressed "n" at the end of the word.

    "knuckle-biting asshandlers" eh? I think I saw that movie.

  • AKHottie

    Jeebus Spaceman PsyOps, I've been trying to post on wonkette before last call and end of teh freewireless – and the end of life as we know it. But teh 4 Gs weren't there. And I haz smartzfone, not eyezfone, and O'bama is bombing Tripoli. That is all.

    Drink!

  • onemoretime79

    The President was into my neighborhood recently. I saw the populace buying up local organics, because they were excited. Also, a snow storm was about to occur.

    It was pleasing to me on a personal note, that the populace were not upset about this powerful persons' visit. (Should I admit that I've been and spent time in Louisiana? So as to get some perspective, dear reader, I confess.)

    He made adults wait while he talked to science and math children, at Intel.
    The kids were totally for it; but you know. You can't trust kids as far as you can throw 'em.

    Also. Those adults in line buying supplies before the snowstorm hit? They were happy.

    It's hard to figure, from someone like me…who was only born to know hatred of donkeys in power. Go fucking figure, to alot of the rest of the nation assholes.

    Too general?

    • Negropolis

      Que the Fuck?

      • onemoretime79

        been listening to faith no more, simple enough for you?

        • Negropolis

          Are you all right?

          • onemoretime79

            other than being embarrassed by my drunk ass posting? yes, thank you. sorry.

  • onemoretime79

    Too general, or two drunk

  • lulzmonger

    Sara's got 99 problem's but a ginger ain't one.
    A polyp, perhaps, but at least I'm benign.

  • DaRooster

    W-"He is still working at his presidential duties all day, every day, in his mind."

    ( So, he's still trying to figure out how to fuck people over to greatly benefit himself and friends?… heh, heh, heh…)