real solutions to fake problems

Pedobear Offers To Help Scott Walker By Teaching Wisconsin’s Kids

Scab!
As union protests rage on and state legislatures are at a standstill, one figure has emerged on the side of Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker who can solve all of this: Pedobear. If Walker doesn’t value the teachers of his state enough to let them have worker rights, Pedobear is a perfectly good alternative. He loves children and is ready to teach them new things. Here’s your Wisconsin/Indiana crisis update.

Democratic state senators from both states are enjoying life on the run in Illinois, or trying to.

By now, Jon Erpenbach, one of 14 Democratic state senators on the run from Wisconsin, has switched hotels in this city three times, a necessity, he says, as word kept slipping out about where he was staying.

What the text doesn’t mention is that Erpenbach is pictured wearing a leather jacket, looking like the super-cool runaway he is.

In the case of the Indiana crew, they openly divulged their location only hours after disappearing from the Statehouse. The way they understood it, the Indiana law enforcement authorities could not follow them over the line anyway, so why bother keeping secrets?

The legislators from Wisconsin have been far more cryptic. Some said they had received threatening e-mails and phone messages, and a comment on one newspaper Web site read, “Looks like I need to go hunting south of the border,” Mr. Larson recalled. Not long ago, a handful of people who said they were Tea Party members turned up in a regular meeting spot at which the senators had come to gather, taking photographs of the senators’ cars. They would not, Mr. Larson said, return to that location (wherever it was).

This will all be turned into a film, The Outsiders 2. THEY’RE ALL SUCH REBELS!

Meanwhile, former SEIU president Andy Stern told Ezra Klein “it may not end beautifully in Wisconsin.” And a former Wisconsin attorney general says Rick Scott is susceptible to charges for making ethics violations and breaking election law in what he said in that prank call released yesterday.

Obviously, state governments are broke and broken. Our political parties are so polarized that their legislators can’t even be in the same state with the other side’s. There is only one solution: enlightened dictatorship under the command of Generalissimo Pedobear. [NYT]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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109 comments

    1. cheaphits

      no, no…Pedobear has scabies – one of many new experiences he can bring to the Walker household when employed as a private tutor for the Governor's young 'uns .

      1. OC_Surf_Serf

        Thanks. Now can you please explain "Reporter Roulette"?

        Do ya just keep clicking over and seeing close-ups of their microphones??

        1. DaiMacculate

          Its a reference to chatroulette, the joke on The Daily Show that the only people on Chatroulette other than people exposing their genitals was reporters looking for stories in that brief period last year when everyone thought chatroulette was the new "Big Internet Thing"

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    And I wonder–
    I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder,
    Why,
    Why, why, why, why, why they ran away,
    Yes, and I wonder,
    A-where they will stay-ay,
    My little runaway,
    Run, run, run, run, runaway.

  2. SorosBot

    The fugitive Senators might be trying to enjoy life in Illinois, but as a former Chicago resident let me tell you that's really fucking hard to do in February. Part of the reason I moved back east, where winter is merely unpleasant.

  3. Fare la Volpe

    Those fools! They left Scott Walker home alone! He's gonna break into his food sack and get a major tummy ache.

  4. bumfug

    Pedobear couldn't possibly fuck up the lives of kids in Wisconsin more than their governor does on a daily basis.

  5. WhatTheHeck

    Know what? Teachers need to be held accountable. They teach some kids who go on to be politicians. And the ones they can't get through to become teabaggers. I say, they should be rounded up.

  6. Weenus299

    Maybe a fire would start in a church somewhere, and they would all team up to pull out all of the kids who where there, oddly touring some dilapidated church. But some of those senators with third-degree burns would die painful deaths, while other senators were reading Gone With The Wind aloud.

    Still others would get shot many times for brandishing unloaded guns following a convenience store robbery.

    I can't see a happy ending for this.

    1. Negropolis

      Hey, so long as they stay north of a line drawn horizontally at Joliet and east of a line drawn vertically through Rockford, it's really not so bad.

  7. Redhead

    Pedobear is probably the only person (or bear) of Republican/tea bagger beliefs who has yet to hint at running for President.

    Apparently he's been too busy stirring up trouble at the Wisconsin protests, but I'm sure the announcement will be forthcoming.

  8. nounverb911

    Obama should offer the 14 senators his unused, well protected home on the south side. (Or did Rahm move in there?)

  9. baconzgood

    This is great. It took the Tea baggers about 2 seconds in office to fuck up thier political ambitions for the next 20 years. If they keep this up for 18 more months we won't ever have to worry about the GOP again.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Would that were true. Each time they go up in flames, they simply lie dormant for a short spell, then say "RonaldReganRonaldReganRonaldRegan" three times real fast while sacrificing a goat or virgin, and they are born anew.

      Clearly, they are aided by dark forces we don't fully understand.

  10. freakishlywrong

    I appreciate the Freudian slip there of calling a criminal douche bag tool of a Governor; "Rick Scott", but isn't this asshole named Scott Walker? All the tooley, douchey, criminal stuff stands.

    1. SorosBot

      Rick Scott's the douchebag Governor of Florida who was planning to push a similar union-killing bill but has backed down; Jack must be getting his asshole new GOP Govs mixed up.

      1. freakishlywrong

        I think they're cloning them in one of the Koch Brothers polluting factories. They come out wrapped in a flag with bootstraps on and those beady, mean eyes all these jackholes have. They are homeschooled for a few years on a perverse bible and Frank Luntz talking points, drop or are kicked out of what ever college they attend, (usually Xtian), and then work for/rail against the Gubbmint their entire lives.

      2. PresBeeblebrox

        Rick Scott's the Medicare fraud-inclined douchebag Governor of Florida who was happy to take gubbmint money if it meant lining his own pocket who was planning to push a similar union-killing bill but has backed down; Jack must be getting his asshole new GOP Govs mixed up.

        /fixed

    2. Negropolis

      It's crazy, you've got Rick Scott in Flordia, Rick Snyder in Michigan, Scott Walker in Wisconsin and Mitch Daniels in Indiana. It's not until you get into Illinois and Ohio that you start getting ethnicky. It's like a (tame) porn-name convention.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    New Wisconsin Mottos:

    'Making you forget about Minnesota" "Wisconsin-nutsack of the MidWest"
    "I vote, I farted, and I'm Proud!" "Ede cacam et Morer!"

  12. SorosBot

    I'm surprised to see a pedophile at the protests, since the parochial and private Catholic schools priests teach at are non-union.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      HEY! My wife teaches at a Catholic school and she's never molested anyone but me!

      Snark aside, it wouldn't do any good to unionize the teachers there; financially that little school is hanging on by threads, like a lot of them. At last report, their recent initiative to bring up their teachers' salaries up to 75% of what the similarly qualified public school teachers make in our state has stalled at 71%, since the economy has murdered enrollment rates.

      Also, non-snark: it's pretty rare to see a priest teaching at a Catholic school these days; what with the priest shortage and all. I'm sure well over 95% are laymen or sometimes, nuns.

      1. SorosBot

        Not many these days no; my dad and brother both teach at a Catholic school, and when I started there in kindergarten, the faculty was about 1/3 nuns; by the time I finished 8th grade there were three. Now there's two of them.

    1. cheaphits

      Or, with any luck, Scott Walker may be available…how long does recall take fer gawds sakes?

      We got a TV show to put on here….let's move this along

    1. LesBontemps

      Yeah, it's serious. But the inmates at Auschwitz laughed occasionally too. And also, too, this is Wonkette, which makes fun of everything.

        1. bagofmice

          Because we're talking about teabaggers. The kind of people too slow to pick up on the joke. The kind of people that would call themselves teabaggers.

  13. Gopherit

    On a tip, the Wisconsin State Police raided the houses of three democratic senators this morning hoping to catch them sleeping at home. Of course, they failed to find them, but did manage to waste some tax payer money in the process. You have to hand it to those cheese-eating bastards in Wisconsin…..they know what's important. May the whole state be sodomized by Pedobear.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I don't understand the point of that. Like, what if they found them? Would dragging the senators in shackles to the state house look so much better for democracy?

    2. ttommyunger

      Now that's good Police Work: You're looking for a man who has allegedly fled the State so you immediately raid HIS FUCKING HOME looking for him. If I ever decide to break bad and start a life of crime I am definitely moving to Wisconsin.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Clearly, the idea is not to catch the senators at home, but to scare and intimidate the wives and children.

        Walker and his thugs, while technically not fascists (yet) are happy to borrow from their playbook.

  14. fuflans

    let's see what we've learned about the US in the last couple days:

    no one has any money except those four mega corporations who are intent on rolling back health care and breaking the backs of public employee unions in washed up industrial states forcing their legislators to flee to the most (pleasingly) corrupt state in the union (who's entertainment capital just elected a ballet dancing nine-fingered refugee from the west wing) while the corporate mouthpieces of those same four mega corporations have led a vicious 'blame the victim' campaign against a savvy female journalist who was brutally assaulted while doing her dangerous job in a foreign country – then screamed in fury when a pushy graduate student got pushed back. oh and when one of the offending and offensive governors of one of the states intent on breaking the backs of the unions was caught red-handed admitting to hand in glove cooperation with one of the four mega corporations, it's the punker that set him up that is subject to ethics violations charges.

    Have I forgotten anything? and yeah, i am so glad my canadian passport is in queue.

  15. Darthhippy

    Make me your enlightened dictator and I promise after 42 years to leave after the first 4 days of protest with all the harvested marijuana and run to a deserted island with my personal staff and promise to only take 25% of my grifted govment monies.

  16. ttommyunger

    Fortunately, all those Wisconsin Republicans are too busy playing with themselves to think about molesting anyone else.

  17. P_Drizzle

    I only like the Scott Walker story because every time I hear something about Wisconsin, the little stereo in my head now starts playing "It's Raining Today."

  18. owhatever

    Kids need to be held accountable. They should have learnt to read on their own, but flickering lamplight, at the age of three and then edumacated themselfs so Governor Walker can fire all them librul elite "teachers" and dismantle the state department of unions.

  19. imissopus

    There was a story today that Scott Walker has signed a bill requiring a two-thirds supermajority vote in the Legislature for raising state taxes. As anyone familiar with the last thirty years of California history can tell you, that's worked out real goddamn well for us. Howard Jarvis, teabagger before his time.

    Good luck, Wisconsin.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The Republiklans in Iowa are debating a bill to make it illegal for same-sex partners to apply for a marriage license, and they also want to put in the bill that the State Supreme Court can never rule on the Constitutionality of the law.

  20. BlueStateLibel

    So, revealing for all the world to see that you're a paid whore of a billionaire industrialist is not an ethics violation, but making a prank call is?

  21. BerkeleyBear

    This is how pathetic it has gotten – Illinois, a state with a governor who can barely say 5 words without losing focus and who only got the job because Blago got busted, looks like a paragon of reasonableness by comparison. We raised taxes and probably will restructure our debt in the next few months, which will solve a much bigger problem than the one facing Wisconsin. Plus, all those monies turned down by Florida and Wisconsin for high speed rail are flowing into our coffers.

    Don't get me wrong, this state is screwed up and Quinn is a functioning idiot, but people here seem to understand you can't just bash unions to make up billions in revenue shortfalls.

    1. Negropolis

      I was happy that Quinn was able to hang on, but it was also more of a "I can't believe he was able to hang on, bless his heart."

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