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Is Barack Obama a ‘Sex Rebel’ Fathered By Jimi Hendrix?

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Your book reviewer was hoping to dig into the new collection of Bruce Chatwin’s letters sometime soon, but then we remembered our Wonkette responsibilities, i.e. to finish what we started last week and continue to describe the ways and wonders of Deconstructing Obama: The Life, Loves, and Letters of America’s First Postmodern President by Jack Cashill, the world’s greatest “literary detective.” Among the revelations: Barack Obama might be a “sex rebel.” Also, he’s the son of either A) a guy who edited various Communist newspapers in the 1930s or B) Jimi Hendrix.

Cashill is kept awake at night by the greatest literary mystery of our time: Who actually wrote Dreams From My Father? The obvious answer is Bill Ayers, for reasons we discussed last week. We have our own theories, which we’ll discuss at the end of this review (just scroll down now).

The Ayers-wrote-Dreams conspiracy theory is, at this late date, old and boring. The more interesting/insane revelations in Deconstructing Obama involve Barry’s romances and parentage (sometimes one and the same!).

Cashill thinks it’s possible that Barack Obama’s actual father was Frank Marshall Davis: a poet, a jazz critic, and an editor of successful Atlanta and Chicago news dailies in the 30’s-40’s. Davis also dabbled in porno and nude photography (photographing it, not starring in it). At some point he moved to Hawaii, where YOU GUESSED IT.

Cashill’s evidence is that some young lady in Davis’s vast repertoire of nude photographs is actually Ann Dunham, Barry’s mom. He spends a long time creepily analyzing these photographs, attempting to prove that the chick in the photos is Madame Obama. There is much talk of tan lines.

Anyway, Ann Dunham and Frank Marshall Davis coupled and produced our current president, maybe. At the time of conception Dunham would have been 18 and Davis would have been 50-something. Obviously, Davis “passed his Stalinist values on to Obama.”

Also: Davis molested Barry, which makes Barry bisexual (?). Cashill’s evidence: a poem written by young Barry Obama titled “Pop”:

Pop takes another shot, neat,
Points out the same amber
Stain on his shorts that I’ve got on mine, and
Makes me smell his smell, coming
From me…

The most innocent explanation for the “amber stain” on the shorts of both mentor and initiate or “his smell, coming/ From me” is that Davis got the teenage Obama drunk, and they both spilled whiskey on themselves. That reading does not explain, however, why the spill is specifically on their shorts and not on their shirts or how Davis’s breath now comes from Obama.

Ugh, so gross. This can all be confirmed (Cashill says) in Davis’s novel Sex Rebel: Memoirs of a Gash Gourmet, which is a fictionalized sexual autobiography written under the pen name “Bob Greene.” It features, among other exploits, a seduction of a white teenager named Ann and several homosexual encounters. HMMMM.

But maybe Frank Marshall Davis wasn’t Obama’s father. Maybe Ann Dunham was impregnated by a REAL celebrity:

In 1960, a fellow named “Johnny” was making his reputation in Seattle’s club scene as a left-handed guitarist with a local band known as the Rocking Kings. Two days older than Ann, this tall, thin young black man was not at all abashed about dating white women […]

Of course, as you may have guessed, Johnny decided to use the stage name “Jimi” and changed the spelling of his last name from “Hendricks” to “Hendrix.” In a further Paul-is-dead kind of twist, Obama cites as his personal marker for 1967 the fact that “Jimi Hendrix performed at Monterey” […]

And, of course, Obama, like Hendrix, is left-handed.

You would think that if Barack really was the son of Jimi Hendrix he would have made more of it during his campaign. He’d be a fool not to come out as a Hendrix in the next election cycle. If he did he’d absolutely LOCK UP the important “guys who sit around in Guitar Center for hours at a time testing the wah-wah pedals” demographic.

Cashill keeps coming back to his main concern, which causes him infinite pain: the fact that a politician he dislikes is capable of writing decent books. Not only is Obama’s memoir suspiciously similar to Bill Ayers’ memoir; it also reads a bit like another writer fascinated by blood and fire:

Of course, the muse had taken Obama’s ungainly, bloated manuscript and infused it with the structure of Homer’s Odyssey. […]

The Dreams leaves scarcely a Homeric trope unturned in his mining of the Odyssey to describe Obama’s “personal interior journey.”

We’re supposed to be outraged about this, for some reason (as if every single worthwhile writer throughout the entire history of Western civilization wasn’t influenced by Homer). Is Cashill implying that Homer ghostwrote Dreams From My Father? We doubt this, because Homer is a blind campfire singer and blind singers probably can’t get it sufficiently together to type out a manuscript on a modern computer.

Wait a minute…

Jack Cashill clearly hasn’t followed his leads far enough. Think about it: Blind singer. Obama. Blind singer that likes Obama and wants him in the White House, so he can implement the atheist Communist Caliphate….

We’ve solved the literary mystery! Bill Ayers didn’t write Dreams From My Father. Stevie Wonder did!

Deconstructing Obama: The Life, Loves, and Letters of America’s First Postmodern President by Jack Cashill, Threshold Editions, 352 pages, $13.17

Once again, thanks to Wonkette operative “Toni S.” Email e-book review copies of your own “Barry iz Jimi” tome to greer.mansfield@gmail.com

Comments

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  • Barbara_i

    Memoirs of a Gash Gourmet? That would be the perfect name for a girl band.

  • Terry

    "“passed his Stalinist values on to Obama."

    Lamarkian inheritance, perhaps? Ask the Soviets. Belief in Lamarkism did wonders for their agriculture.

    • mereoblivion

      The offspring of anyone who reads this book (except as a Wonkette assignment, of course) will suffer from inheritance of acquired stupidity.

  • bumfug

    Obama couldn't possibly be the son of Jimi Hendrix – that would make him American!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Don't confuse Cashill with facts.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Also overlooking the obvious: charming blind negro musician in Seattle (same as Stanley Ann Dunham) in the late '50's… Stevie Wonder being far too young at the time to do the deed…

      Barack Obama is RAY CHARLES JR.

  • Redhead

    I'm right-handed. Darn! Guess I can't be related to Obama or any other left-handed person. So sad.

    Though what if… Jimi Hendrix has the same first name as my father? Does that mean my mom had an affair with Hendrix and he's secretly my father?!! Could I be possibly related to every person who had an affair with someone with the same first name as one of my parents?

    That's a lot of possible secret parents. Damn.

  • Weenus299

    Pop takes another shot, neat,
    Points out the same amber
    Stain on his shorts that I’ve got on mine, and
    Makes me smell his smell, coming
    From me…

    — Kind of sounds like some bizarre basketball ritual. Maybe Barry O returned the favor by siring Lebron James.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Despite Chatwin's lucidity I'm still not clear on whether Homer fathered Bill Ayers or Jimi Hendrix.

  • freakishlywrong

    Fuck you say? Jesus, at what point is the whole sliver of this population just going to be cold reduced to rocking in the fetal position repeating "The President is a Ni**er over and over again?

    • Billmatic

      They are in private.

  • metamarcisf

    And that was the young Barack Obama, stage left at Woodstock, celebrating his eighth birthday by playing congas on "The Star Spangled Banner".

  • Oblios_Cap

    he’s the son of either A) a guy who edited various Communist newspapers in the 1930s or B) Jimi Hendrix.

    Neither of these would be a bad thing.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What a hack Cashill is! I mean, to quote from Richard Lederer's "The World According to Student Bloopers:"

    "Homer also wrote the 'Oddity,' in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name."

    I just can't believe that Cashill was so incompetent as to not follow up on this crucial, damning clue.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

      Homer Simpson?

      • genxr

        And his book was described as "groin-grabbingly good!"

  • SmutBoffin

    Jack Cashill doesn't realize it now, but this book of his will no doubt be excerpted at the hearing to have him committed.

  • widestanceroman

    This would be so much easier to understand if it was on 47 blackboards.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I recently tried reading a book about some kind of NASA conspiracy to keep us from knowing about intellegently-built structures on the moon and Mars, it was ludicrous so I returned it to the library. Sounds like it might have been the same author.

  • Grief_Lessons

    I did get suspicious when Dreams From My Father switched into dactylic hexameter.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Sigh, sure, why not?

    • SmutBoffin

      JIMI HENDRIX DID 9-11

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Possibly.

        If nothing else, the guy could do some devastating dive bombs on that fucked-up, upside-down Strat of his.

        Hands of genius.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    But then Obama is a natural born citizen. Fuck you birthers.

  • ttommyunger

    What isn't mentioned is Jack Cashill's (Emphasis on "Shill") nick-name is "Off" and that his favorite pastime is sitting in a sink full of Cottage Cheese, playing the Harmonica and imagining he had a dick of his very own.

    • GOPCrusher

      I hate cottage cheese.

      • ttommyunger

        And now you know why.

  • DaRooster

    "And, of course, Obama, like Hendrix, is left-handed."

    Wow! BOTH of them? Left-handed? Balderdash I cry! There are no where near 2 left handed people in the world… this has gone too far… you sir are crazy…

    (No, really… you are)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Also like Hendrix, Obama's cock mold is one of Cynthia Plaster Caster's prize possessions, so secret she keeps it permanently lodged up her bung to avoid suspicion.

      • SmutBoffin

        …she keeps it permanently lodged up her bung…

        …right next to Iggy Pop's.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          With plenty of room for Jimi's and Mick's, too.

  • edgydrifter

    In conclusion, Barack HUSSEIN Obama was fathered, most likely by some sort of human male. This obviously makes him the Antichrist.
    The end.

    • DarwinianDemon

      Also his mother is a slut for engaging in this "intercourse". Proper AMERICANS replicate by binary fission. Rush looks like he's ready to go any day now.

  • V572625694

    Wasn't "Bob Greene" also the Chicago Tribune columnist who got busted for banging a 14-year-old fan? Yes he was:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Greene

    You see? It all fits together!

    Also Oprah's trainer, in Chicago! Wheels within wheels!

    • unseenhandjob

      Your own link proves you're slandering the man even worse than is deserved.

      "In September 2002 Greene was forced to resign from his newspaper column after admitting to an extramarital sexual relationship 14 years earlier with a high school student.

      The young woman with whom Greene had a relationship was 17, legal age in Illinois, and had graduated from high school in the months between their first meeting and his invitation to take her out to dinner."

    • DaRooster

      I think it was a 17 yr. old but 14 years before his resignation.
      (Apparently 17 is/was legal age at the time.)

      (just sayin'… but absolutely NO defense meant for him)

  • CapeClod

    Whoever is in charge of Jack Cashill's medications needs to up the dosage.

  • owhatever

    A big shout out to literary detective Jack Cashill for figuring it all out and writing such a compelling narrative. However, he leaves the Birthers more confused than ever.

    • DarwinianDemon

      Clearly the big news here is that Jimi Hendrix was born in Kenya

  • doxastic

    Tip: When writing about Homeric tropes, be sure to avoid mangling your own metaphors.

    • genxr

      Lest you be hoisted by your own canard. Also.

  • Extemporanus

    And the wind…cries…"Barry".

    • DashboardBuddha

      Wins the afternoon!

    • SwanSwanH

      Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams.

      And fairy tales. (cf. Bill Clinton, 2008)

    • not that Dewey

      1983 a Columbia Graduate I Should Turn to Be

    • Lascauxcaveman

      But in my mind, our president will henceforth be known simply as "Voodoo Chile."

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Barry's fingers are way too short to be Jimi's kid. And the thumb, the thumb!!! Barry's is like a kindergartener's compared to Mr. Hendrix which can wrap six times around the neck of a guitar.

  • PublicLuxury

    I just love how heroine addicts write. The best stuff evah.

    • GOPCrusher

      Jim Carroll would have approved of this post.

  • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

    For a variety of reasons, like facts, I can't believe Jimi Hendrix was Obama's father, but it would be kind of great.

    • genxr

      Kinda great? Or the most awesome thing in the world?

      Suck it other countries! Our president can shred hot licks on a flaming guitar!

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's all very compelling, but for simplicity's sake I'm sticking with the theory that President Obama is the bastard child of James Joyce and Ethel Rosenberg. It wraps up the Homeric/Commie threads very neatly. And I know what you're about to ask — black Irish. QED.

    • jim89048

      He never should have dropped the apostrophe in O'Bama.

  • Ducksworthy

    Only $13.17. Wait what. Two prime numbers. Or is it Four prime numbers? Two 1's, a 3 and a 7. What is the significance of that. It is obviously a satanic message to Cashil's followers.

    • genxr

      1 is not a prime number, Comrade.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        But the middle two digits – 31 – is a prime number! And 13! And 17!

        What are we missing here, hiding in plain sight?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        1 is the loneliest number, though.

  • vulpes82

    It's all so clear, now! Some black guy somewhere fathered Obama, thus making him ineligible to be President and a terrible writer who needs a ghost. It makes so much sense.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Basketball Jones
    I've got a Basketball Jones
    I've got a Basketball Jones
    Ooh Baby Oo-oo-ooh

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Classic! I'm all red eyed thinking about Los Cochinos!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Now I'm thinking Barry is actually the son of Cheech and/or Chong.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          No, he's the son of Amh Gwannah Kiik Buti.

  • genxr

    In a further Paul-is-dead kind of twist, Obama cites as his personal marker for 1967 the fact that “Jimi Hendrix performed at Monterey”

    That settles it. After attending 3 Ozzfests and the Scream tour, I've decided that Ozzy Osbourne is my father.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Does the book also point out how rock singer Meat Loaf was really Lumpy Rutherford from Leave It To Beaver?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And John Holmes was Eddie Haskell!

    • Extemporanus

      Or that Marilyn Manson played the role of Kevin Owens on Mr. Belvedere?

    • MissTaken

      And Dustin Diamond from Saved By The Bell and Mike D from the Beastie Boys are really Neil Diamond's kids!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sure that Barry didn't mean to take up all my sweet time, and he'll give it right back to me one of these days.

    • johnnymeatworth

      Manic depression is a frustrating mess.

  • SwanSwanH

    Also, Homer: not American.

  • Extemporanus

    By the way, the "Ann Dunham" nudie pics* were debunked long-ago by trusty ol' Snopes.

    At the time, Jack Cashill was crouched in the corner of his mom's basement furtively chooching to a dog-eared issue of Jet, and thus missed this boner-killing bit of bad news.

    *[Click each photo for the full vintage NSFW effect.]

    • DoktorZoom

      As we all know, Snopes is heavily funded by George Soros.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Marcy Moore – the poor man's Betty Page.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Ah, the Jet centerfolds! I had forgotten all that softcore bikini foxiness of the '70s. Little Chet fondly twitches in salute.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Page 43! Or was it 42? It was one of those…

      • Extemporanus

        I fondly twitch in recollection of being a fourth grader in racially un-transcendent Milwaukee in the late 70s, and spending what in retrospect must've seemed like a suspiciously large amount of time in the periodicals section of my elementary school library literally burning each month's "Jet Girl" into my yet-to-be-activated wank bank while trying unsuccessfully to muster up the guts to just cold rip that stapled shit right out of the center of the Reader's Digest-sized sassy Afro handbook and shove it down the front of my half-zipped Sears Roebuck brand Husky burgundy corduroys.

        Help me score a clean-ish copy of the 1970 Jet calendar, Chet, and I will straight-up name my first(?) bi-racial illegitimate son in your fucking honor.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      That's just what Soros wants you to think.

  • genxr

    Orly Taitz produces bootleg tapes in 3… 2… 1…

  • riverside68

    Where is the Firesign Theater when you need them?

    They could so roll with this: Don't crush that dwarf hand me the pliers, How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all, May I see your passport please?

    • http://blogslut.com blogslut

      "You broke the president!"

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Let's play "Beat the Reaper!"

      • riverside68

        No, Scarlet Fever is not correct, you have the Plague!

    • FraAnima

      More Science High has disappeared!

      • riverside68

        Go Commie Martyr High! Raw, Raw, that's the spirits we have!

        • FraAnima

          Shoes for Industry!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Barry got a wildebeast with a hand-shaker attachment. Makes him a Gnu Waver.

  • SaintRond

    How could this have happened?!

    I'm simply speechless.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    So he's really President Barack Hendrix. That would explain his playing air guitar instead of hand-on-heart during the national anthem. Also explains use of "'scuse me while I kiss this guy" DADT policy.

    And of course Hendrix was also secret Muslim. Just listen to "If 6 was 9" sheeple. Anyway it's all explained in my upcoming book: "Deconstructing Hendrix: The Lyrics of America’s First Black Guitarist".

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      Warning: Mass downfisting in progress…

    • GOPCrusher

      Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in yo hand?

  • MissTaken

    What exactly is a "sex rebel"? Is it one who rebels against sex by refusing it? Is it one who has sex but insists on doing the Rebel Yell when they cum?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Maybe it's a drink like Sex on the Beach or Screaming Orgasim made with Rebel Yell.

      Just a guess…

  • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

    Remember Clinton Derangement Syndrome and Bush Derangement Syndrome? Now we have Negro Preznit Derangement Syndrome. The idea of a man who happened to be born of an educated, biracial couple on a Pacific island that's a U.S. state actually becoming Preznit after going to Columbia and Harvard Law and serving as a lawyer and politician is just too much for these 'baggers to handle.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Don't be shy about popping over to Amazon and letting folks know what you think about this book…

  • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

    If there is the tiniest chance he's Hendrix's son and he hasn't been exploiting it to get chicks, he is too dumb to be President.

    • chickensmack

      Or… Michelle is sunshine in the sack.

      • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

        Well, if Air Force One's a rockin'…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Barry is just holding back the funk, because enough white guys' heads are exploding already without him busting a move.

  • insidebeltway

    Dubya is also left-handed. The plot thickens.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    And Kirsty MacColl was on the cover of Electric Landlady! and also left handed! And killed in a freak scuba diving accident! Scuba diving is popular in Hawaii! Coincidence?!

    (Maybe, since I made up that bit about being left handed.)

  • GregComlish

    The implications of this are huge. This means Obama was secretly fathered by a black man. I'm not sure America is ready for a black President.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Oh wow, totally caught me off-guard with the Hendrix twist–well played, Cashill! Most paranoid schizophrenics fingerpainting with the same anusburgers come up with Malcolm X as the other possible "real Dad":
    http://israelinsider.net/profiles/blogs/is-obama-
    http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2

    Also, hasn't there been enough porn in the past 100 years that you could "prove" ANYBODY'S Mom was a porn star? (And thanks, Extemporanus, for posting the link to Snopes debunking the vile slander of Barry's Mom.)

    EDIT: This Cashill also reminds me of the author of "Black Dahlia Avenger", a former cop who has convinced himself that his own father killed the Black Dahlia and a bunch of other women, due to some photos that vaguely resemble the woman, circumstantial evidence and a fucked up Oedipal stew:
    http://www.stevehodel.com/

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Ah, Steve Hodel. He also claims his dad was the Zodiac killer. He'll be onto claiming his dad was really the one who shot Archduke Francis Ferdinand next and the Serbian anarchist was just a patsy.

  • DaRooster

    "oh wait…we've seen Barry dance, he ain't no son of Jimi "

    Maybe he needs some dope? That can help with the groove man.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    So the big takeaway here is that Stanley Ann Dunham was a giant slut who had jungle fever, and Jack Cashill wants to know the secret of how the brothers always score with white chicks.

  • Steverino247

    No, no, no! He's got it all wrong.

    Here's the facts:

    1. Obama's father was black.
    2. Obama plays basketball.
    3. Obama's father fucked a white woman.
    4. Wilt Chamberlain was black and played basketball and fucked 10,000 women in his lifetime, at least one of which had to be white (Think of the odds!).

    Therefore, Obama is the illegitimate son of Wilt Chamberlain!!!

    "Regression to the mean" explains why he's not seven feet tall, so don't talk back to me on this!

  • fuflans

    to be fair, barry does say 'hey joe' a lot.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    Frank Davis, Malcolm X, Jimi Hendrix, and even his own Grandpa via some anonymous black lady (maybe the help). Who isn't Obama's daddy? Could it be. . . Satan?

  • mavenmaven

    You don't understand the outrage? A black boy borrowing a motif from one of the founders of Western Civilization! He's like raping all of white people with his mind by doing that, a crime against Humanity. What will we have next? A Jew teaching Shakespeare?!?!

  • Grief_Lessons

    So in your system Barry is both Maggie and Jimmy Carter? You're not making things clearer at all.

  • June_Cleaver2.0

    After reading this, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of this Obama hate is about hating Ann Dunham. The hatred is too viseral and too irrational for it to be anything else.