a real slugger

Liveblogging Koch Employee Scott Walker’s Prank Call Non-Apology

Whoops!Turn on the teevee news! Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is delivering a statement about his long conversation with that guy he thought was David Koch. Interestingly, watchdog group Public Campaign Action Fund is calling for a probe into whether he committed ethics violations in saying what he said to the person he thought was the guy who signs his checks. (All his checks that aren’t signed by the people of Wisconsin, that is.) So is Walker finally going to resign and/or let the workers of Wisconsin have their rights? No, he’s going to endorse Mika Brzezinski’s buttocks and taking a baseball bat to the face of homeless people or whatever, like he did in that prank call. And apologize to his boss David Koch for letting him down. LIVEBLOG!

3:34 PM — We’ve got CNN on. THE CAMERA IS ON A RED AND GOLD DOOR. BREAKING: HE HAS TAKEN ASYLUM IN RED CHINA.
3:37 PM — “Wiscahhhnnnnnson.” He’s good.
3:38 PM — Scott Walker thinks that’s a microphone. It’s not. It’s a liberal blogger pretending to be a microphone. Ha!
3:38 PM — Walker is talking numbers. Cute. He has to hurt people’s livelihoods because of math. There’s nothing he can do. MATH!
3:39 PM — “Democrat governors.” That Koch training paid off.
3:40 PM — This guy is dragging his feet. Tell us about the crank call! Or tell us why Palin won’t respond to questions about why “Lou Sarah” was registered under her e-mail! Either one!
3:44 PM — This is boring and Wisconsiny so far. We’re going to stare at this for a while.
3:46 PM — Hmm, didn’t mention the prank call. Anybody have any questions?
3:47 PM — “I talk to a lot of people on the phone.” Haha. But he’s making the Kochs feel less special, so they will fire him.
3:48 PM — CNN already cut away. Well, this was one of the lamest liveblogs ever.
3:50 PM — Look, Scott Walker will talk to anybody on the phone. Anybody. Even prank callers. So he’s saying all those protestors milling about should take out their phones and notify his office their refrigerator running? Sounds good. Answering prank calls is more important than governing. Uh, liveblog over? Sorry.
3:51 PM — Inevitable title change to “Non-Apology.”

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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51 comments

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna let you bargain for cost-of-living increases or maternity leave.

  1. slithytoves

    Sometimes you just want to say that there is a God and you're glad he's fucking around with someone who deserves it for a change.

    1. Negropolis

      For real; what kind of self-respecting dictator doesn't verbally put his life on the line for his own posterity? Pussy.

  2. kittenbomb

    Scott Walker takes so many calls, for the people! He cannot be expected to differentiate whether they are from voters, or evil overlords or merely voices in his head.

  3. nounverb911

    ”Answering prank calls is more important than governing.”

    Moe: Moe's Tavern.
    Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
    Moe: Who?
    Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
    Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute… Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
    Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
    Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

  4. SorosBot

    So he barely even commented on the call. However, it's good to know that Walker is available, even to non-constituents like Koch; I mean, I'm sure that your average, working-class Cheesehead could get a twenty-minute phone conversation with the man just like the billionaire who financed his campaign. Right?

  5. Weenus299

    My favorite part is where the CNN people sit around and argue the part about if he's testicle sweat or shavings of bronze from the great uncrafted Reagan statue.

    No, I'm making it up. I've just been relieved of suspension.

  6. karen

    Is it possible to to charge this guy with ethics violations since he technically wasn't talking to Koch? I mean, I really hope there's some kind of financial or ethics code along the lines of Intent to Commit Douchebaggery.

  7. sati_demise

    Scott 'Asshole' Walker.

    The stupid just shines through those not quite level eyes.
    Destruction is the game here.

  8. user-of-owls

    Well, this was one of the lamest liveblogs ever.

    Have you already forgotten your ill-fated liveblog of the opening speech at the monthly Toastmasters International meeting?

  9. PublicLuxury

    Typical gawdamned republithug. Never take responsibility. Never apologize. Brazen out the bad press. Scott Walker needs to be in chains.

    I hope this fuckin' idiot brings down the entire republican party and the Koch brothers with him.

      1. Negropolis

        They are like a cockroach…er…Kochroach. At the end of time the GOP will be the only thing that will remain. Oh, and Twinkies. Also. Tambien.

  10. GOPCrusher

    It appears that this tape is getting a lot of traction in the media. Scott Walker is not going to be able to just wait this one out. If anything, I would not be a bit surprised to see the protests increase.

  11. Soylent Green

    And he's not ashamed! This is the equivalent to accidently exposing your preference of porn onto Facebook! I should know.

  12. JustPixelz

    The prank is a lot like the O'Keefe pimp video at ACORN or the Planned Parenthood stings. I don't know if this is turning the tables or turning to the dark side. Though I'm sure Ron Christie can explain why Breitbart's antics are justified while the "Koch" call is nefarious.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      I was thinking it was more like the Montreal radio station prank where "Nicolas Sarkozy" called Lou Sarah and specifically mentioned his affinity for Hustler's Naylin Paylin video.

    2. serjjj

      Puh-lease brother, the punk pimp thing, etc, was not even close to the same as this. breitblart and his bitch didn't really have anything on ACORN or PP so they had to edit their shit to make people look bad and then have the Fox propaganda whores sell the mess. As far as we know with the Walker pwn, not one iota had to be edited to make him look like the self-satisfied, corrupt little suckup that he is. I see it more like the teabag rodent willingly walked right in the trap and got his wingnut ass caught but good.

    3. Negropolis

      Why the hell did you even get 8 thumbs for that one? Honestly, you're always just on the edge of trolling. This place is not for you.

      1. JustPixelz

        Your (deleted?) comment:

        >So, you think trolling me with down-thumbers is something I'd cotton to? Fuck you, you petty concern troll. You're next.

        You're right, I shouldn't have down-thumb'ed some of your other comments. I will go find some to up-thumb.

        I think my observation (that lying to elicit embarrassing statements is wrong) is legit. and meets wonkette's ISO9000 snark standards. Others have pointed out how the ACORN vs Walker situations are different. To which I'd add, Walker is a public figure who has actual power, not a third level staffer in a store-front office. His remarks affect more than the person sitting across the desk; and he should know better. Guess I should down-thumb myself.

        1. Negropolis

          Oh boy. You really souldn't have admitted that…I feel so bad about what I'm going to have to do, now. You are so going to get it, ho.

  13. blogslut

    Awww, I'm sorry I missed it but I take it I didn't miss much.

    "I didn't miss much."

    I get the feeling old Scott's heard that statement before.

  14. Snarke_Diem

    As my beloved-but-Republican parents would say:

    "NEVER say you're sorry!" and "it's okay if you're a Republican!"

  15. Beowoof

    What do Laverne and Shirley feel about this, did they have a union, did Scott take it away, did they make enough beer to get the state drunk because this asshole is in charge? Inquiring drunk union members want to know.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    Did MSNBC stick with the conference long enough to find out definitively if Mika Brzezinski is a real piece of ass or not?

    1. Negropolis

      They don't ask questions they already know the answer to. Well, except Dylan Ratigan, who only asks questions he answers in the question. He has a terrible habit of doing that, more so than most self-important talking heads.

  17. Negropolis

    I said it elsewhere, but while this guy isn't the only one that sucks dick for Koch, he's certainly one of the best/most unapologetic. The prostitutes of Milwaukee don't have shit on this motherfucker.

  18. lulzmonger

    Those "Macaca Moments" always have such nasty hangovers.

    Sounds like somebody's already lawyered up & isn't too stupid to STFU when the alternative is possible instant unemployment with a side order of subpoena.

    Too bad for him the story is so utterly goddamned hilarious.

Comments are closed.