Fake David Koch Has Lengthy Conversation With Real Scott Walker

  money talks or something


Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is rather busy these days, considering the state capitol and capital is flooded with protestors. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time to talk to David Koch for 20 minutes on the taxpayer-funded phone in his taxpayer-funded office. Unfortunately for Walker, the “David Koch” he talked to for 20 minutes was just a guy, Buffalo Beast’s Ian Murphy, putting on a funny rich-guy voice. And it turns out Walker likes Morning Joe‘s Mika Brzezinski’s butt.

Walker: Oh yeah, but who watches that? I went on “Morning Joe” this morning. I like it because I just like being combative with those guys, but, uh. You know they’re off the deep end.

Koch: Joe—Joe’s a good guy. He’s one of us.

Walker: Yeah, he’s all right. He was fair to me…[bashes NY Senator Chuck Schumer, who was also on the program.]

Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. You gotta love that Mika Brzezinski; she’s a real piece of ass.

 
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Walker: Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Walker says he will try to “fire” the state senators who left the state, especially if they get any monetary support now from unions. And he’s got an idea on how state senate Republicans may be able to make quorum without the Democrats. Finally, he made plans for when it’s all over:

Koch: [Laughs] Well, I tell you what, Scott: once you crush these bastards I’ll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time.

Walker: All right, that would be outstanding.

We hear there are some good lesbian strippers over there. The kind Republican officials like. [Buffalo Beast]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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194 comments

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      we can only hope it's the end douche Walker, maybe NOW the Wisconsin voters will wake up and impeach/ recall the SOB?

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      just another day at the office, giving the Boss an update on his investment… gotta love Walker's last comment to the Kock Bro, "Thanks a million", and he REALLY means that!

  1. baconzgood

    "We hear there are some good lesbian strippers over there. The kind Republican officials like."

    Chicks with dicks?

    1. x111e7thst

      The perennial Repuke favorite. Cross dressing chicks with dicks and guns. Who advertise in the back pages of Soldier of Fortune.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Sure, they gave us Vincent Gallo & the Easterbrook clan, but we also got the first Goo Goo Dolls LP (& Johnny Rzeznik's hilarious alcoholism), Snapcase, & Ani di Franco.

      1. CapnFatback

        Let's take the Goo's advice and beat Walker's ass with a baseball bat.

        (And, truth to tell, I love everything before A Boy Named Goo.)

  2. SorosBot

    The telling point is when he calls out one of the most despicable actions by the 20th Century's worst President – the firing of the air traffic controllers – as his inspiration and something he wants to repeat. Walker's unapologetic about trying to bring back feudalism.

      1. V572625694

        The free market will provide it anyway. People just won't fly on airlines that crash into others. Or anyway they won't do it more than once.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      I say, those of us who would have been enfoeffed of Blackacre but for the Rule Against Perpetuities heartily approve of bringing back feudalism. Boy? BOY! Call for me the shire-reeve to kick out these squatters!

  3. PublicLuxury

    Scott Walker is fucked. He's got santorum all over his body. He rolled in it, rubbed it all over and licked his fingers.

    Gawd I hope the tape is authentic.

  4. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Walker says he will try to “fire” the state senators who left the state, especially if they get any monetary support now from unions.

    Well of course Scott Walker can fire state senators. After all, the Governor won an election!!!
    /David Brooks

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Chicago stole the election for Kennedy.
        "No way I'm going to lose, to that Red, Mc Govern, but I'm so freaking paranoid, I'm going to fix it anyway".
        Don't blame me — I voted for Bush.

      2. Lost_Teabaggers

        You're leaving out some even more assholish episodes such as: James Sensenbrenner forcing Demo subcommittees to be held in the basement and then shutting their lights off while they were discussing Cheney's energy task force. "Don't blame me, I voted for the American", "All I needed to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11", "Bury Obamacare with Ted Kennedy" and the latest: racist douchemonster Mark Williams and his gaggle o' deranged right wingers dressing up like SEIU members and brandishing signs to embarass the union. Yes, as Van Jones said and for some reason got into trouble for saying, "Republicans are assholes".

  5. DaRooster

    "…But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time to talk to David Koch for 20 minutes on the taxpayer-funded phone in his taxpayer-funded office…"

    Besides, everyone knows that them Kochs pay their fair share of taxes!

    TRICKLE DOWN BITCHES! WOO HOO!! (I'm ready)

  6. donner_froh

    That ultra-smarmy ass kissing "Hey, David, I'm good. And yourself?" from Walker was all that one needed to realize not only does Walker do what Koch wants but since he usually gets his orders from Koch underlings that he considered it a rare honor to talk with the man himself.

    How do you like your Teabag governor now, Wisconsin?

    1. ladyblug

      I voted, but not for Walker, and I am pissed as hell at those who didn't ( as a protest), fuckin smart, huh!

  7. Callyson

    "Walker says he will try to “fire” the state senators who left the state, especially if they get any monetary support now from unions."
    Next up: his plans for the districts that elected those state senators. That one would make a nice parking lot…

  8. DashboardBuddha

    Is it bad that I got this wonderful warm tingly feeling from this? No, no it isn't. I'm going to listen again. Bwahahahahahahahaha!

  9. freakishlywrong

    What is it with these hateful wingnuts where they're always looking slightly off camera? You know, like they're lying. Oh, and if this is genuine, his cornhole is toast.

  10. JoshuaNorton

    Seriously, does he give himself haircuts with a Flow-bee? He's got a gumby-head thing going on that jacks up his clown image by %1,000.

  11. BornInATrailer

    Hey, I looked at this earlier when it was in someone's comment (thank you) rightly suggesting it get it's own story.

    Now it seems like the Beast link is broken. Anyone else? Perhaps they got a little too much traffic?

    1. freakishlywrong

      I put it in the Googles and got the live twitter feed, it's done blowd up their site, but ON FIRE as a story.

  12. Weenus299

    Walker's delusional. I can't imagine boning the shit out of Mika without sticking Zbignew Brzinski's head on her smoking hot body.

  13. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    Best. Prank call. Ever.

    oh and it's absolutely true. that's his voice. he talks about inserting troublemakers (ouch! ladies know what I'm talking about) into the crowd.

    this douche just signed his own recall petition.

    1. GOPCrusher

      All of this is awesome, but if it doesn't make it to MSM and beamed directly into the heads of Joe and Jane Sixpack on a 24 hr loop, it may all be for naught.
      I can hear it already, Fox News will have Breitbart on as a expert on editing for effect and how to fradulently make a video/voice tape to attack your opponent.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Appears the MSM take is that it's *mostly* nothing he hasn't already said in public. So, they aren't going to be much help.

  14. Texan_Bulldog

    And things were going so well for Scotty up until now…that sound you hear is him trying to kick his own ass. Oh, good times in Madison!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Oh yeah — all those crazy liberals on Morning Joe are off the deep end. This reminds me of watching The 700 Club once and hearing their little "news update" — which was the same terrible news, mostly, but they were cheered up by all the horrible news and downhearted by all the good news.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      "Thousands dead in Burma today, but Operation Rescue has managed to save the souls of 200 worshippers there, Pat! It's been a blessed day for everyone! Back to you."

  16. GregComlish

    Aren't there any right-wing shibboleths they can use in these sort of situations? Some obscure trivia that nobody would know unless they've been watching Glenn Beck?

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Its all so much crazy talk, if you sound crazy enough and agree to crazy enough things, you must be Republican -Tea Bagger edition,, who can remember all the crazy things Beck has said anyway? That would be like knowing what the Bible said.

  17. Jerri

    First, please let this be real, please, please, please. And assuming it is:

    Hahahahaha! See you in hell you dumb fucking goober!

  18. MadBrahms

    And then Asthon Kutcher popped out of a broom closet and yelled "PUNK'd", but nobody could laugh, because they were too busy crying for democracy.

  19. horsedreamer_1

    Nope. Still no action on this on the state's flagship daily's website.

    Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, that lamestream, left-wing shill. The Sykes-Belling Perpetual Commotion Machine was right about you all along.

  20. Passionphd

    You think this is gonna hurt his reputation among supporters you are on crack. Fox will be playing this tape and heralding his firm resolve. His supporters are going to love this tape, except the part where he reveals the upcoming Trojan Horse strategy to lure Democrats to the table to get to quorum.

    The reporter missed a golden opportunity. He thought he could bond with him over crass anti union comments and ass jokes. He is talking to a corn-fed, Reagan-swooning, Right wing true believer, not a cigar-chomping, male-prostitute-hiring family-values Republican. (I know it's a fine line.)

    Damn, this COULD have been a game-changer. I wish the Daily Beast had been more strategic.

  21. Steverino247

    Some of the comments on that Milwaukee paper's site are pretty stupid. "This is the time to take power away from the Unions and their special interests"…and give it to people who are accountable to no one and have the money to buy, or at least rent, any politician in the country. Union leaders have to stand for election and are accountable to other members if they screw up. The Koch Bros. can do pretty much what they want, especially when they've got openly servile toads like Walker more than happy to do their bidding.

    1. SorosBot

      "Special interests" are only bad when they are groups of ordinary people working together (except for the gun nuts); they're good when they groups of corporate plutocrats working to further the interests of the Nobility.

    2. emoutdoors

      The comments for the prank call article are actually way better than usual. The JS supported Walker for governor, even though he royally fucked up Milwaukee County as County Exec (see recent Rachel Maddow report on Wackenhut). Normally, reading the comments about this issue is enough to convince anyone that Wisconsin is an ass-backwards cesspool of inbred, lobotomized automatons who are terrified of any change to the status quo for rich people.

      Just moved back to Milwaukee after 10 years away. Ohhhh yeah. Lovin' it.

  22. WigFlipper

    Anyone else feel like this was an excerpt from J R?

    I guess I'm saying that everyone ought to read that book

  23. Jerri

    Among other gems, I love that he says the place is full of '60s radicals. Because yes, all those fresh faced college kids out there are definitely '60s holdovers. They've just been hiding out on Willy St. biding their time, waiting for their chance to strike!

    Madison, WI: Evidently home to the real fountain of youth.

    1. SorosBot

      Can Walker do math? Surviving '60s radicals are all in at least their 60s now; these protesters are mostly state workers, not retirees, and are getting around without without walkers.

      1. Jerri

        Walker and most of the state is convinced that Madison is forever and always populated by nothing but hippies, freaky beatniks, intellectual elites (aka those who can spell and do fancy cipherin'), amoral liberal drug addicts, sex maniacs, and the Badgers sports teams, so I don't know that math has anything to do with it.

        Also, with the Baby Boomers entering the crucial "old people vote all the time" phase of life, he'd better watch it as far as pissing them off goes.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Three words: Eureka Springs, Arkansas. In that dumbass state, it's like being in the good part of the Twilight Zone.

  24. Not_So_Much

    I think the real conversation with David Cock is going to be even more interesting and colorful. I'd love to hear that one.

    1. Rotundo_

      Not going to happen. The "Cocks" leave their dead on the battlefield for the little folks and buzzards to clean up after. Even if Scooter manages to get past this one, I will guarantee that no "Cock" money will ever end up near him again. They don't suffer non-useful idiots well and Scooter is no longer of use to them. I just can't believe he wasn't paranoid enough to wonder why one of the "Cock" brothers would be calling. I also cannot believe that his staff didn't take a look at the number on caller id and at least ask some intelligent questions before passing the call through. Fucking morons, thank God, but fucking morons nonetheless.

  25. neiltheblaze

    It's heartwarming to know that somebody, somewhere, is fucking with this meat puppet's head.

    I can't wait to get home tonight so I can actually listen to it.

    1. cheaphits

      I think it goes even deeper, the Brothers Koch, who are not known for their benevolence, have extensive holdings in WS that employ union workers…timber, oil, asphalt….and want those unions busted, thinking that will increase profits for them, as it may in the short term and for corporations the short term is all that matters.

      1. glamourdammerung

        When you are an old, enraged, conservatard that does not care about others and is pretty much at the end of a normal lifespan, the short term is all that matters.

  26. kissawookiee

    It's a good thing Scott Walker is Preznit of Wisconsin and not Nevada, since I hear tell Harry Reid's trying to put his kind outta work.

  27. imissopus

    Outstanding.

    The greatest part to me is the guy pretending to be Koch barely said a damn thing. He just gets Walker on the phone, asks "Where are we on all this," and the governor pretty much hangs himself for the next ten minutes. Just fantastic.

    1. Negropolis

      It was ana amazing call wasn't it? It's like a kid spilling his guts to his dad that he wants so badly to be accepted and loved by. It's pitiful, really.

    1. lulzmonger

      "Fucky-fucky, sucky-sucky, anything you want! Million dollah, me legislate for you long time! Me so douchey!"

  28. Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    all right, kids. time to slap on my 'don't teabag on me' t-shirt and go bring down this douchebag. my new sign says "hey walker, answer the phone! wisconsin is calling! and this time it's no joke!" wish me luck!

  29. imissopus

    I hunted up the second half of the conversation over at HuffPo and Walker signs off by telling "Koch" that this is "all about getting our freedom back." This guy's just a Teatard-platitude-spouting moron. I'm amazed he can tie his own shoes.

    Oh wait, he probably just wears loafers. Dumbass.

  30. glamourdammerung

    I really dig the part where Walker admits that he thought of placing "troublemakers" into the crowds.

  31. onemoretime79

    Sweet sweet sound of more than one head exploding this morning.
    The real David going "Scott you imbecile! I told ya I'd call only *after* this was all over!Now my nice new office building next to what should have been my nice new power plant will be worthless to me!"

  32. SheriffRoscoe

    This sounds like glory holes, but over the phone. There's Koch, but you really can't swear it's who you think it is, even if you've sucked it many times before.

  33. DarwinianDemon

    Actual conservative defense of this: "At least he talks to his constituents!!!"

    So congrats new york, you are now part of Wisconsin!

  34. cheaphits

    Years ago, when I lived in Pensacola, FL, Joe Scarbough was my attorney briefly on a trademark and franchising issue. He is a piss poor TV guy, but he was even sorrier as a lawyer.

  35. BZ1

    I'm calling BS here, "a much smaller group of protesters, almost all of them from outta (sic) state."

    "He's pretty reasonable, but he's not one of us" (editorial comment, referring to Tim Cullen, a Dem, who thank God, is not one of the repubs…)

  36. Buckminster

    Walker looks and sounds like he was dropped on his head a lot as a kid. Maybe just accident prone, but maybe a little of the developmentally disabled.

  37. NorthStarSpanx

    You forget the departing words of Walker to the Punker Koch – "Thanks a million."

    "Thanks for a million." – fixed.

  38. sezme

    Almost as worrying as the unalloyed evil is the nagging sense that Scott Walker really is exactly that stupid.

  39. snoopyfan2010

    So, he's proud of the fact that he can stay firm and push legislation through even if people don't like him but………..OUR PRESIDENT does that with health care and we're told that he's evil. Double standard, anyone?

    1. LionHeartSoyDog

      I wish we did have a president who would stay firm and push through universal health care.
      Maybe some day, if we survive and get civilized.

  40. Chet Kincaid

    "Emperor, (RESPIRATE) the Death Bill is nearly complete (RESPIRATE)! With one blow we can destroy the Rebel Unions (RESPIRATE) and seize control of energy assets (RESPIRATE)!"

    "Beautiful, Scat Walker, beautiful!"

  41. fredbell

    Without question, this just has to be a front-page story in both the NY Times but especially the Washington Post tomorrow….How could it not?…It has to be…This should be all anybody talks about…

  42. lulzmonger

    Someone needs call-display.

    Color me underwhelmed. Pseudo-Koch should've asked Walker for an appointment to "fix" some jobs up for a few of his buddies, or gone after the ratfucking angle MUCH more (while demanding obviously illicit tactics). Yeah, it's a cute little prank, but Il Douche didn't really say anything very damning besides the non-shocker that he thought about planting troublemakers. Trouble is, he's every bit as much a fuckhead in public as he is in private, so nearly all of this call is "Dog Bites Man" material.

    This golden opportunity to deliver a no-scope headshot was pissed away talking about what a hot piece of ass Mika is? Sorry, Buffalo Beast – I smell pwnage fail.

  43. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, fuck. Laugh out loud hysterical. These fucking Republicans never fail to fall for this shit, do they? Will this be on MSNBC? I know "my"' wonkette's link is going on my fb page, so my four or five friends will definitely know about it.

  44. DustBowlBlues

    He's going to trick the Democrats into coming back and then spring a surprise vote on them? Isn't that how we killed Indians in the 19th Century. Well, and 18th. And, well, 16–enough of that. And they way the French captured Toussaint in Haiti. (Sorry–didn't check spelling).

  45. betweenstations

    Am I the only one who thinks Walker looks sort of like Tim Pawlenty run through Photoshop, badly?

  46. Warpde

    Scotty, Scotty, Scott,
    You have just been Pwned don't ya know? You betcha!
    Now if you would just take a moment and pull your head out of the
    KoKs (sick) ass you may smell something better then shit.
    Also, things may taste a bit better buttercup.
    You never know whats been up there.

  47. Negropolis

    For awhile, I didn't see how he could be any bigger a loser than he's already been in his life and then this happens. I almost feel sorry that he's as dumb as he is. Even when he gets his hand caught in the cookie jar he still thinks he has it all going on, bless is little heart. He has the emotional capacity of a 12-year-old, and he looks like a little kid in front of the cameras, way, way, WAY the fuck out of his league, poor thing.

    What a consummate whore. He may not be the only one that sucks dick for Koch, but he's one of the best, isn't he?

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