the body's not cold right?

Helpful WaPo Columnist Tells Us What Giffords Would Think About Wisconsin

Watch your back, Cohen!Unfortunately, Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head, so she currently can’t tell us what she thinks about the situation in Wisconsin, or even if she can, her family is probably making her talk about things like “how she cares about them” or “how to stay alive and recover from the bullet that went through her brain.” Thankfully, the Washington Post employs a full roster of op-ed contributors who have nothing better to do with their spare time than pretend to know what people with life-threatening gunshot wounds think about political issues thousands of miles away that don’t concern them. “If the brave Gabrielle Giffords could speak normally, what would she say about these events? I hope she would agree with me: This is a sad moment for liberalism,” Charles Lane writes. Yeah, this classy gentleman is probably correct! It’s so nice of him to help out this gunshot victim who’s unfortunately not “normal.”

Here’s how he opens his column:

It has been just over five weeks since a deranged gunman in a Tucson suburb left six people dead and 13 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.).

It sure has been awhile. Stop lounging around playing on your iPad, Giffords! Get to work giving op-ed columnists material for which they can criticize you!

Perhaps most disappointing of all is that the president himself, rather than living up to the words he spoke so eloquently in Tuscon, has chosen to fuel the fury on the Great Lakes. He labeled Walker’s legislation “an assault on unions,” while the White House political operation bused in more demonstrators to join those waving Walker = Hitler placards. These are the words and deeds of a partisan politician, not a national leader.

If the brave Gabrielle Giffords could speak normally, what would she say about these events? I hope she would agree with me: This is a sad moment for liberalism, for the Democratic Party, and, really, for the whole country.

Yeah, but if she didn’t agree with him, what a bitch, right? Next time you get shot in the head, try to remember you have to conform to this guy’s definition of “civil” in your opinion on the actions of workers whose very livelihoods are threatened by pending legislation, lady! [WP via Balloon Juice]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Jukesgrrl

    Why do I get the feeling that Charles Lane is Dana Milbank's version of "Lou Sarah"? Do you get extra pay for that, Dana?

  2. Terry

    "Perhaps most disappointing of all is that the president himself, rather than living up to the words he spoke so eloquently in Tuscon, has chosen to fuel the fury on the Great Lakes. He labeled Walker’s legislation “an assault on unions,” "

    Well, after Walker rejected the exact same pay/benefits concessions if they didn't go hand in hand with loss of collective bargaining, it became solely about union busting.

    1. Amo_of_Bogio

      "The fury on the Great Lakes" is that what we're calling it now? Is that CNN or Faux's new tagline? Don't like it, not catchy enough and way too easy to confuse with "The Furry on the Great Lakes" – something entirely different.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      But it's hard to say because, you know, he was shot in the chest (John Hinckley being unable to find a brain).

  3. hagajim

    He labeled Walker's legislation “an assault on unions,”

    Apparently fact is now considered the same as calling someone Hitler…what a complete dillhole.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Meanwhile, posters portraying Scott Walker as Hitler has invoked massive amounts of outrage from the Right.

    1. ttommyunger

      Kinda looks like he belongs in the HIV Lane, if you get my meaning. Not that there's anything wrong with that…

  4. Dudleydidwrong

    Charles Lane must have giant crystal truck balls and can use them to discern what Gabrielle Giffords is thinking about the events in Wisconsin. This occurs after Lane uses his giant crystal truck balls to pass along to Giffords his version of events in Wisconsin, which is the only version that she is able to receive as the giant crystal truck balls block all other input. Charles Lane = Dork.

  5. magic_titty

    If the brave Gabrielle Giffords could speak normally, what would she say about these events?

    My money is on, "Oh honey, was Charles Lane also shot in the head?"

  6. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Is there some sort of newspaper-columnist union we could be busting instead? Because that is something I could really get behind right now.

    1. petehammer

      George Will is probably part of MLBPA – he's likely ostensibly a "bat boy"*

      *gives handjobs on team bus.

    2. problemwithcaring

      I think the Post Guild's 2 year contract is up in June. (Newspapers Guilds are almost too depressing to joke about.)

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm pretty sure if Congresswoman Giffords could speak today, it would be something like "Ahhhh..ah ah ah <drool>."

    Too soon?

    1. kissawookiee

      By all reports, it would be "Bye Bye Miss American Pie," and "toast," and "fuck you with a chainsaw sideways."

  8. genxr

    I briefly misread that as "Tranny in Wisconsin" next to the guys picture. I left disappointed.

    He's right, though. It's a sad day for liberalism when we can't even speak for ourselves after being shot in the head.

  9. SudsMcKenzie

    68,000 people here on Saturday, in direct contact with the baggers, No Arrests.

    I would assume Mrs. Giffords would applaud the non violent nature of the crowd.

    p.s. Fuck Off Charles Lane

    1. yyyaz

      Many upfists, SM (just typing that gave me tinglies. oh grow up). Gabbie has always been all about the inclusiveness (much to my chagrin, at times) and the democratic process. I learned much respect for her from working on her 2008 campaign.

      //snark on

    2. GOPCrusher

      How many people went strapped with weapons, expressing their Second Amendment Rights? Because no protest can be considered proper without the prerequisite amount of firearms.

    3. Not_So_Much

      But Charles Lane said Hussein Obamar sent in thugs on camels and horses, so that must be true, right?

      What a complete fuckwit…

  10. SorosBot

    If Giffords could speak normally today, I think she'd agree with me that Chuck Lane is a douche who shouldn't be putting words in her mouth. Which she should be able to use properly before too long and might have some words for Mr. Lane if she reads this column.

  11. metamarcisf

    If Ronald Reagan were alive, what would he think? He'd probably think about how he could never decide which Spinal Tap album was his favorite. Probably a tie between "Shark Sandwich" and "Intervenous De Milo". Definitely not "Smell the Glove" due to its 'sexy' cover.

  12. Thurman Munster IV

    As someone who has been down to the WI Capitol these past days, I can assure you the only thing that resembles Walker = Hitler placards are plants from Tea Baggers. How do I know? They spelled them Walker = Hilter.

  13. MissTaken

    If only Charles Lane could speak normally instead of spouting off like the nozzle of a dirty douche.

  14. quadriliton

    If the no so brave Charles Lane could speak normally, what would he say about his own column? I hope he would agree with me: This is a pathetic moment in an already pathetic history of contribution.

  15. PublicLuxury

    It is supposed to shame the liberals. This is Catholic 101. Every Catholic knows EXACTLY how to employ the guilt trip as if it were a science.

    Gabby Giffords thinks you are acting poorly. Now don't you feel bad about making her think these bad things about you?

    Everybody has to do their fair share. Now don't you feel guilty for being so greedy? Wanting to feed your family and pay your bills. Did you even think how corporations would feel?

    Now on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

    I left Catholicism behind quite a long time ago, but I still get on my knees regularly. . .

    1. GOPCrusher

      I don't know about Catholics, but I would like to know what Sarah Palin thinks that Gabby Giffords would think about the entire situation.
      OW! OW! OW! My head!

  16. ifthethunderdontgetya

    The comment I made at the War Criminal Post still seems appropriate, so:

    Americans reflected on — and argued about — the possible connection between the violence and today's often nasty, polarized political discourse.

    – Chuck Lane, neocon simpleton

    No, Chuckie, the possible connection was to today's violent rhetoric and gun fetishism, which remain exclusively right-wing phenomena when it comes to political discourse.

    As for putting words into the mouth of Gabrielle Giffords to further your anti-worker agenda, have you no sense of shame?
    Posted by: ifthethunderdontgetya | February 20, 2011 9:18 AM

  17. Gopherit

    Does this stupid dickhead know that Arizona is a right to work state? There is no collective bargaining here. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, the AFL-CIO/AFSCME presence in Arizona is little more than a group of people with the same t-shirts.

    Gabby is my rep, and I like her, but she has never said a damn thing about being pro-union. That is a career killer for politicians here.

  18. Monsieur_Grumpe

    It strikes me that using Giffords in this manner is just like the crap conservatives pull by citing Jesus or Reagan when they’re justifying some wingnutty idea. Do us a favor Mr. Lane and STFU.

  19. prommie

    If Jesus Christ were alive today, I know what he'd be saying, he'd say "love thy neighbor as thyself, except that fucking asshole Charles Lane, that guys is a fucking douchenozzle, and forgive those who trespass against you, except for that fucking shitbag Lane at the Washington Post, don't forgive that fuckwad, and only those who are free from sin should cast the first stone, unless you are throwing stones at that fucking dick at the Post, fucking let them fly at that asshole, I can't stand that motherfucker."

    1. mumbly_joe

      I'm pretty sure if Jesus were alive today, he'd say, "Blessed are the peacemakers, which is why I'm totally in favor of Arizona making that their state gun"

  20. BarryOPotter

    These are the words and deeds of a partisan politician, not a national leader, said Mr. Lane when asked to describe his writing style.

  21. petehammer

    If the brave Charles Lane could speak normally, what would he say about this retarded column? I hope he would agree with me: Charles Lane is an enormous – douchey – opportunist. Unless we hear otherwise, this is what Charles Lane would think about Charles Lane.

  22. SmutBoffin

    Hey, Lane, your shop steward from the Professional Douchebags, Fluffers, and Associated Tradespeople Local #339 called.

    They want to know if you can fill in as 'head advisor' in Walker's office today. Oh, and you haven't paid your dues.

  23. Redhead

    So this man thinks he can speak for Giffords, because he thinks he knows what she's thinking or should be thinking better than her?

    Why is he talking about liberalism? The man's obviously a conservatard.

  24. SorosBot

    Also Lane, several questions:

    1) Where were those "Walker = Hitler" signs you claim were there?

    2) The White House political operation did not bus in any protesters. This is what those of us outside the WaPo right-wing bubble call "a baldfaced lie".

    3) Why do you call Joe Klein "one certified progressive" when he is not a liberal?

    4) How the fuck do you have the gall to call peaceful protests, guaranteed by the First Amendment, "Tyranny?"

    1. Beanball

      I have it on good authority that those 35,000+ plus demonstrators were rounded up from the holding pen in the White House sub-basement and shipped via camel caravan to the Wisconsin state capitol.

      Dromedary Express handled the travel arrangements..

  25. johnnymeatworth

    And now he can use that tack about absolutely anything that crosses his mind: "You know, I really like circus peanuts. I hope she would agree with me…."

  26. prommie

    You know, Samuel Gompers is rolling in his grave, he would think this is such a sad day for labor; the very idea, that working people would join together to fight for better pay and working conditions, the shame of it.

  27. ttommyunger

    If it helps you understand Mr. Lane's egregious douchebaggery; he is the bastard child of David Broder and Phyllis Schlafley, conceived in the mail room of the Heritage Foundation some 40 years ago. I know this because I was a mail room worker there at the time and walked in on them in 'Flagrante Delicto'. I still projectile vomit when I thi…………………..Sorry.

  28. sezme

    Why do these conservatives hate onions so much? Sure they make you cry when you slice them, but whatever.

    Oh, unions? Never mind.

  29. lochnessmonster

    I think ppl need to read more of Walker's proposal. Some of the things actually make sense, but they should keep the right to bargain. They are taxpayers too.

    1. HempDogbane

      …especially the part about selling off state-owned power generation on no-bid contracts. Not written by Koch Bros., no sirree! Koch Bros. are taxpayers, too. And ppl.

      Anyone who thinks the WI legislators should have time to read and debate what's in the bill hates civility. And Gabby and Trig are both pissed at you !

    2. SorosBot

      The end of the right to collective bargaining is the proposal. The unions actually said they would agree to pay and benefit cuts with the preservation of bargaining rights, and he said no.

  30. An_Outhouse

    Its spring break time here and this morning I noticed a couple of kids out for a morning stroll. I thought to my self, "those are exactly the kind of kids Charles Lane would say turn him on.".

  31. Numbat_Dundee

    I bet the people trapped under the rubble in New Zealand also disapprove of incivility in Madison. But who will speak for them? I had a Great Aunt who hated unions with a vengeance; she had flirted with fascism in the 1930s, but she's dead now and therefore can't speak about how upset she is about disorder in Wisconsin. I had a budgie that died and we buried it in the backyard, but it too would surely have disapproved of equating Walker with Hitler on placards. He was a very civil budgie and only occasionally engaged in ad hominem attacks or pecked at strangers through the bars of his cage.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Dude looks like a Toyota salesman in south Jersey, who dabbles in Tea Party politics plus some buttsecks on the down-low.

  32. Buckminster

    Charles Lane has got some brass balls to think Gabrielle Giffords gives a rat's azz what he thinks. Or, to presume that he understands her political views. Who gave this charlatan a column?

  33. Zombie_Reagan

    So, according to the master of conjecture, Mr. Lane, "Walker = Hitler" placards are verboten, but the ubiquitous "Hitler = Obama" placards displayed at any conservative function post-2008 don't deserve a mention.

    What a f**king hypocrite.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      HE would never say anything hypocritical. He would merely put those thoughts in the mouth of a person who can't speak for herself … in the name of CIVILITY, of course.

    2. PinHeadPatrol

      I realize this will be a near impossible concept to wrap your pea brain around, but having been to many TeaParty rallies in LA and San Diego, the signs of Obama+Hitler were carried by supporters of the douchebag DEMOCRAT Lyndon Louche. <big eye roll>
      They were there to spout ignorant talking points and damage TeaParty credibility.

      What a Fuvking pinhead.. Now you know..

  34. JoeBiteme

    I'm quite certain that Charles Lane's dead grandmother would agree with me that Charles Lane is a colossal asshole and her least favorite grandchild…

  35. doxastic

    The parade of ass-faced, self-righteous I've-got-mine embarrassments marching out of the New Republic is sadder for liberalism.

  36. jim89048

    After all I did for him back in '08, you'd think Hopey would have sent me busfare to Madison. Not that I'd go, it's freaking cold in Madison in February, but I could've used the gas money I spent getting to the rally in Vegas yesterday.
    Oh, and fuck you, Lane.

  37. Fuck Toad

    Oh, Charles Lane knows exactly what Giffords thinks about this. He sent Stephen Glass over to Arizona and he came back with a five-page interview.

  38. Gleem_McShineys

    Charles Lane is totally correct:
    When your opinions are as fucking stupid and shitty as his, you can totally understand how you really have to try to pass them off as others' opinions ASAP.

    Imagine being saddled with such demented crap ideas all your life, like poor Charles Lane! You'd be sooo relieved to find some incapacitated congressperson to be your ventriloquist dummy!

    It's only natural for him.

  39. DashboardBuddha

    "while the White House political operation bused in more demonstrators to join those waving Walker = Hitler placards. "

    proof motherfucker, proof!

  40. mrblifil

    Truly a dark period for liberalism and the Democratic Party. I'm sure if FDR were alive today, he'd give Charles Lane several million dollars from his own personal coffers, because freedom.

  41. donner_froh

    I formerly thought that the Post just hired anyone who walked by to write the occasional op-ed. Now I realize that they would have had to really search for someone who is smart enough to write English sentences while being too stupid to think coherent thoughts.

  42. PresBeeblebrox

    This is the newspaper which was once at the pinnacle of journalism exposing a vast conspiracy that implicated thevPresident of the United States and led to his resignation and the indictment of several coconspirators, a stunning investigative effort that is unparallelled in US history.

    Now it's just a rag that's funded by a test-prep/for-profit college company.

    Look upon my works, ye mighty, etc.

  43. crybabyboehner

    Meanwhile, if Sarah Palin could speak normally, she would say, "Well slap my ass and call me Sally!"

  44. Negropolis

    You know what burns me up about the Wisconsin dealie? Obama ultra-timidly and gingerly weighed in (and, for many of us, not nearly enough) with a middling and unsure "I think this may be union busting." as I'll paraphrase, and the GOP considers this meddling and stoking.

  45. problemwithcaring

    Try harder, Reptilican. Real con$ervatives rely on exaggerated mimicry on the radio or just popping them out of their pussies, when claiming they can discern what the disabled have to say about politics. This is too subtle to inflame us – we're jaded.

  46. imissopus

    They know who LaRouche is and believe he is a leftist, and any LaRouchies showing up at Tea Party rallies are just trying to make them look bad. I wish I was kidding about this.

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