gunnin' mates

Leaked Book: Sarah Palin Voted For Mike Huckabee In 2008 Primary

Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em.According to Frank Bailey’s leaked tell-all book, Sarah Palin’s inner circle didn’t believe she had a chance at getting the vice-presidential nomination in 2008. That didn’t mean they didn’t think she was right for high executive office; in fact, they worked with and fed information to a college student who ran a Palin-for-president website, and one of her advisors wrote in an e-mail that a McCain-Palin ticket would mop the floor with an Obama-Kathleen Sebelius ticket. But Palin didn’t support John McCain. In the 2008 primaries, her heart was with down-home Mike Huckabee and his popcorn-popper squirrel cuisine. According to the book, Palin voted for Huckabee in the Alaska primary and later supported him to be the McCain ticket’s vice presidential nominee.

So what will happen if Palin wants to run for president now and Huckabee does too? Will she abandon her bid and support him? Well, no, of course not. She will probably treat Huckabee running in 2012 as a personal slight and accuse him of trying to rape her children by being in the race. Yeah, that’s how she comes across in this book.

But perhaps Palin and Huckabee can run on an Arkansas-Alaska hick unity ticket. Rights for none! A plastic grocery bag of caribou and muskrat jerky in every pot! And just as much foreign-policy expertise as the bag of jerky!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barbara_i

    The Huckabee/Plain or Palin/Huckabee tickets should read as:
    Between the two of us, we are just one giant, greasy turducken of hate. Vote for us!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      AR-AK-AR-AK-AR-AK is the gagging sound I make when I think about either of these two in office.

      1. Extemporanus

        "AR-AK" is a clear, colorless, unsweetened anise-flavoured distilled alcoholic Iraqi drink named after the Arabic word for "condensation", so yeah, that sounds about right.

      2. SorosBot

        AR-AK – hm. Arak is a shortening of Arrakis; it's a warning that a Huckabee-Palin ticket will turn the Earth into a desert planet.

          1. jus_wonderin

            Damn you, you are right! Slinks away. Head down. I must need coffee. I know I need a cig (stopped smoking and it's hell).

      3. PristineODummy

        Hey! That's something we get DRUNK ON where I come from. Damn, can't turn your back on these WASPS wivout them gettin' all up in your cultural relativism.

    2. mumbly_joe

      Why don't we just call all those terrible states AA, which is where the continued presence of Huckapalin in politics is going to wind me up, eventually.

  2. SorosBot

    Well for starters Huckabee's rapist pardoning and Palin's making rape victims pay for their own DNA testing go together perfectly. And they both believe in teaching lies to children and violating the separation of Church and State.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Yet she hasn't offered his name as a worthy Presidential contender for the GOP when asked? Hmmmmmmm.

    2. genxr

      Meh. After Republicans sweep all 3 branches in 2012 there won't be any more rape*

      *as officially defined

      1. Redhead

        Only lots and lots of surprise babies, which those pesky wimminz BETTER see as lemonade made out of lemons, 'cause the repugnicants told them to.

    1. Radiotherapy

      He'll get along very well with the other psychopathic clan members: Drag, Pillow, Distal, Wiper and Dagger.

      1. PristineODummy

        Geezus, WHEN are you gonna sit down and write that play about this whole fucking dysfunctional family viewed as a pack of werewolves, or something?

  3. bigdupa

    Which one of Huckabee's sons gets to unbuckle the Bible Belt and tag Bristol to seal the dea.? Hopefully the one that looks like Dewey Oxburger.

  4. slithytoves

    They can run together on the "I don't believe in sciency-things like evolution or gravity" ticket.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Gravity is just god pullin' ya in fer a hug….if yer a sinner, then that's why it hurts and/or kills you

    1. jus_wonderin

      You'd think with the size of Huck's family the gravity thing would be illustrative…daily.

      I wonder how they get out of the house? Slingshot out of orbit around the largest Huck???? It works for the Palins big heads.

  5. Ducksworthy

    Huckies brains is turnin to mush from the mad squirrel disease. Truth. He could be another Ronald Reagan.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    "one of her advisors wrote in an e-mail that a McCain-Palin ticket would mop the floor with an Obama-Kathleen Sebelius ticket"

    Hee hee.

    The only thing the Walnuts-Snowbilly Grifter ticket mopped up was the tears (of rage) after being soundly beaten.

    1. V572625694

      In '08, Hopey could've won w/Charles Manson as his running mate, so vast was the general disgust at what Bush had done.

  7. Barbara_i

    Dude! I just read something from the book that said that Sarah would write letters to the editor, praising herself and use a fake name. That is freaking HILARIOUS! Okay, smart people of Wonkette, what did those letters sound like? Ready, set, go!

    1. baconzgood

      Dear Editor person,



      Sarah Pal…er.. Palmer.

    2. SorosBot

      So just like she did on Facebook, only with the newspapers. Palin may truly be the world's biggest sock-puppeteer.

      I wonder if she wrote anonymous celebrity porn featuring herself on usenet too?

      1. V572625694

        Who would be Sarah's fantasy lay, you have to wonder? My guess is finely chiseled faceless men who when their masks are removed prove to be…oh no!…Daddy!

    3. OneDollarJuana

      I'm writing to say without fear of contradiction and in the most patriotic way that Sarah Palin is the best for families and security of our greatest nation among equals but not as great as our founding fathers wishes for the sanctity of marriage, you know, one man and one woman, guaranteeing our inalienable right to drive snow machines through the heart of small town America, the greatest America the world has ever known because patriotism. Also, too.
      Sincerely, Shara Plain

        1. GuyClinch

          Your alarming discovery must be disseminated throughout the land!
          Hello, Drudge….?

    4. JadedDissonance

      Bless you Sarah for running and being so gracious and for thanking the lordy lord jesus! AMEN.

    5. Barbara_i

      Dear Editor,
      I was just talking to my husband, Rodd and my daughters Cristoll and Billow and they agree with my son Brack that Palin is doing a great job, you betcha! I hope they catch those negro kids who cut the brakes on those school buses.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Allow me to correct your math:

      (Southern Baptist + Pentacostal wingnut) x (GOP Primary + breathless media coverage) = Comedy

      I think you just left out an element of your intended equation:

      (Southern Baptist + Pentacostal wingnut) x (GOP Primary + breathless media coverage + electoral victory) = ARMAGEDDON

  8. Steverino247

    Sarah Palin is like a lot of people who want power without having the slightest clue what they would do with it besides fuck over a former brother-in-law.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Or the lower deck ensigns that think all we bridge officers do is drink our coffee, uck it up and fire the phasers at space rocks.

  9. Graham Cracker

    Not enough diversity on that ticket. Home states all begin with 'A."Of course, that is all the further Palin can get in the alphabet.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    It would be cool if they got together and made some kind of miscegenated reality show about Arkansas and Alaska. Maybe with a little Wife Swap and Cops thrown in.

    1. HistoriCat

      "with a little Wife Swap and Cops thrown in" – I think that would be mandatory for any reality show about Arkansas and Alaska.

  11. DeeJayKitteh

    I would think it would have to be a Palin/Huckabee ticket instead of a Huckabee/Palin ticket. Everyone knows what happens when the president resigns halfway through the term, but the American people probably aren't familiar enough with basic Civics to know what would happen when the VP calls it quits.

    1. SorosBot

      I think the President's supposed to replace the VP with the clumsiest, most bumbling and gaffe-prone Congressman. W.I.N.!

      1. HistoriCat

        Mock if you want but I think Ford may be the least embarrassing Republican president in the last 50 years.

    2. zhubajie

      I think it more likely that they would fight than co-operate. Baptists classically say speaking in tongues is demon-possession, and Pentecostals think just as highly of Baptists. Anyway, would either of these two would settle for second place?

  12. OneDollarJuana

    If either one of these two wins it's bad news for school lunches. Moose meat or popcorn squirrel.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Oh please oh please OH PLEASE let them run together. It'll be like a Beavis and Butthead remake, on a shoestring budget.

  14. TheMightyHaltor

    You know the GOP Presidential field is getting a little wing-nutty when Huckabee is the moderate, and Mitt Romney is the wild-eyed Marxist.

  15. mereoblivion

    When I was just a little girl
    I asked my mother, "What will I be?
    Will I be petty, will I be a bitch?"
    Here’s what she said to me:

    Lou Sarah Sarah
    Go vote for Mike Huckabee
    The truth is all lard, you see
    Lou Sarah Sarah

  16. GregComlish

    I didn't think Mike Huckabee was Maverick™ enough for Sarah Palin. Only a true Maverick™ could attract the devotion of a Maverick™.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Judging by what I see in my neighborhood in Arizona, they don't get along that well, given each of them seems to need his or her own church. Not too many megachurches here, just 750,000 different evangelical denominations. My theory involves the tax write-offs on being a "minister." I'm thinking of becoming the head of the Church of Jukes for Je$u$.

  17. kittenbomb

    In the pic above, Huck is grinning madly and appears to be waving his dick around. I believe that political tactic is referred to in "The Art of War" as "The Charlie Sheen Method."

  18. donner_froh

    Trig/Tard is smarter than the striped dog-hanging lard buckets of the Huckabee brood.

    While it is a stretch to think that anyone can be more cretinously dishonest than Palin (Salamu- 'Alaikum) Huckabee is pretty slimy in a dumb hick kind of way.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      "I'm so pleased to accept your nomination to ………………………. [deer-in-the-headlights look] ……………….."

  19. YasserArraFeck

    Huck looks like he's "writing in the snow". From the pleased look on McGrifty's face, he knows how to spell "refudiate" – that's one man-sized bladder

  20. NorthStarSpanx

    “When we talk about health care, we always keep in mind that we are not just talking about saving money or increasing efficiency. We are also talking about providing a higher quality of life. When people are healthy, they miss fewer days of work and get more done. They spend more time at home and less time in doctors’ offices. They can take care of their grandkids. They can play softball…They can get a good night of sleep. ” – Kathleen Sebelius, The Commonwealth Fund’s 12th Annual Symposium on Health Care Policy

    "My first five years of life we spent in Skagway, Alaska, right there by Whitehorse. Believe it or not – this was in the '60s – we used to hustle on over the border for health care that we would receive in Whitehorse. I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn't that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada." – Sarah Palin, post-quitting halfway through her first term as Governor of Alaska

  21. SorosBot

    I do wonder what the debates will be like, with Huck and Palin both trying to be Jesusier that the other.

    1. yyyaz

      Whichever can claim the most Tweets from Jeebus wins. Facebook hits are too easily manipulated. Or so says Snow Whitetrash's bff Lou.

  22. jus_wonderin

    Huck reminds me of the guy that worked at the small filling station in my hometown. He always had grease on his fingers and he leered at the women.

    And when he told a joke he'd always say "Did ya get it? Did ya? Did ya?"

    1. ttommyunger

      I am suspecting they are indistinguishable, don't really want to know. Appetite gone forever now, I should not have gone there.

  23. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    of course
    cue the violin
    FNC controlled media from Tiberias
    Huckabee, Israel's Neocon Huckster

  24. EdFlintstone

    Holy shit Wonkette just got cited as the source for the fake facebook account story on MSNBC. Nice work guys.

    1. SorosBot

      Awesome; I knew Maddow was a fan, but not that any of the folks at the news portion of the network were reading (though I doubt that they read the comments).

  25. quadriliton

    Excellent. Now to uncover the joint Palin – Huckabee facebook account under the name of Loudale Huckakunt

  26. Redhead

    "She will probably treat Huckabee running in 2012 as a personal slight and accuse him of trying to rape her children by being in the race."

    Along with accusing him of hating retarded babies – IN PUBLIC. Then she'll quietly go and vote for him, because if she had to go through one day of the actual work, stress and responsibility involved in being president (or even VP), her head would explode. Even she knows this, dumb as she is. She wants the fame and fortune and free clothes, but not the work. Then she can go on to her talking head gig at Faux News, where she doesn't have to be bothered with real work or talking to anyone who disagrees with her or those pesky facts everyone gets mad at her for making up and not checking.

    1. zhubajie

      She can do the George Bush TV stuff and Huck can do that actual (mis)management from the vice-presidential Cheney bunker!

  27. BarackMyWorld

    I can't really hate on Huck, since unlike Mittens and Snowbilly, he actually TRIED to be a good governor.

  28. Steverino247

    They cannot run on the same ticket as the Constitution says the President and Vice President have to be residents of different states. Huck and Sarah both reside deep in Dumbfuckistan.

  29. Snarke_Diem

    For the perfect letter "A" trifecta:

    Arkansas: Huck – Prez
    Alaska: Palin – Veep
    Alabama: Jeff Sessions – Minister of Propaganda and Church/State Unification

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