Pleasant-Seeming, Somewhat Electable John Thune Not Running For President

  to spend more time being bland with his family

For months now, my wife Kimberley and I have received encouragement from family, friends, colleagues, and supporters from across South Dakota and the country to run for the presidency of the United States. We have appreciated hearing their concerns about where the country is headed and their hopes for a new direction.

During this time, Kimberley and I and our two daughters have given a great deal of thought to how we might best serve South Dakota and our nation. That process has involved lots of prayer.

Along the way, we have been reminded of the importance of being in the arena, of being in the fight. And make no mistake that during this period of fiscal crisis and economic uncertainty there is a fight for the future direction of America. There is a battle to be waged over what kind of country we are going to leave our children and grandchildren and that battle is happening now in Washington, not two years from now. So at this time, I feel that I am best positioned to fight for America’s future here in the trenches of the United States Senate.

So in this analogy, is John Thune the Nazis or is he one of the Allied Powers? Who cares? He will be dead the day he tries to take Normandy (says something untoward about the Tea Party/Sarah Palin).

Officially now Barack Obama’s 2012 opponent will not be a youngish white guy. It will be another old white guy. Good luck with that, Republicans. [John Thune]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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78 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    I think it would be funny as hell if Sarah Palin ran and chose Walnuts as her Veep running mate. That would teach Walnuts a lesson for unleashing his monster, Fuckingstein on this country.

  2. nounverb911

    "During this time, Kimberley and I and our two daughters have given a great deal of thought to how we might best serve South Dakota and our nation."
    Stay there and open a locavore restaurant.

    1. PristineODummy

      They *are* old white guys. "Young Guns" in everybody else's book is kinda like in the 18-25 demographic, or something.

  3. edgydrifter

    Either he's sane enough to not drag his family through a modern presidential campaign, or somebody has a manila envelope filled with Polaroids of Thune chugging vodka out of a mercenary's ass crack.

  4. politics_nerd

    Please god let it be Palin. Palin Palin Palin!!!

    In addition to the obvious Obama wins factor, i have stocked up on popcorn and beer, not to mention Tina Fey is very easy on the eyes not to mention funny.

  5. Not_So_Much

    Presume this is because of his over-developed skull trying to break through his skin?

    Bring on the Snowbilly with Fat Newt as veep! Must watch teevee.

  6. chascates

    We shall fight on the airwaves and interwebz,
    we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the media, we shall defend our wealthy, whatever the cost may be,
    we shall fight on the lobbyists' dollar,
    we shall fight on the Capitol grounds,
    we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
    we shall fight in the tanning salons;
    we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this GOP majority or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our ultra-rich sponsors beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the News Corp empire, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the Koch brothers, with all their power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old."

  7. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Would you want to run for president of Teabagger Nation? This is the smartest decision Thune has made since he elected to be born a white male with good hair.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Let's review…

      Good hair: check.
      Limpid eyes: check.
      Went to Biola: check.

      Conclusion: Male Congressional page, in the Senate Cloakroom, missionary-style, no lube.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I'm thinking he got the seventeen years old babysitter in a family way, then tried to force an ob-gyn to do an off-book abortion. For irony.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I'm sure Sally Quinn would be more than happy to restore it.

      She likes old, mealy-mouthed white guys.

  8. RedneckMuslin

    You would think in the real world that getting only 2% of the CPAC vote would make you more electable.

    Just 2% approved of President Obama's job; 62% approved of the job congressional Republicans are doing; 73% had a favorable view of GOP Sen. Jim DeMint; 70% had a favorable view of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck; 56% had a favorable view of John Boehner, and 51% had a favorable view of Mitch McConnell.

    Alas, this is Wonderland.

  9. DustBowlBlues

    He has neither the mean girl delight when she creates a new retarded line that her fans love (esp. Lou Sarah) nor the foam at the mouth when he talks about abortion or gays nor the sneer when the subject is foreign policy.

    Clearly, he could never win a Republithug primary.

  10. Extemporanus

    "That process has involved lots of prayer, so naturally, every single sentence remaining in this statement will involve lots of war metaphors."

  11. donner_froh

    Another guy the no one had heard announces that no one will have to bother finding out who he is.

    Next time John Thune is covered by the national media is when both the rapeseed and sunflower crops fail in the same year and he demands a bailout for South Dakota farmers.

  12. horsedreamer_1

    It's Romney. It's always going to have been Romney.

    He's waited his turn, like Mc Cain, like Dole, like Bush, Jr., like Nixon; it's Willard's World (we just live in it).

  13. JustPixelz

    Perhaps after all that prayer he realized he didn't have an original long-form birth certificate with a raised seal, doctor signatures, witness signatures, completed in full on tamper-evident paper maintained in an environment that meets archival document standards. Also a RINO (but aren't they all these days).

  14. hagajim

    Thune would get tuned by the goons and their teabag harpoons…his chances of getting out of the primary of this nutball party are as good as mine…nil.

  15. V572625694

    Fighting in the trenches. Oh yes, being a United States Senator is exactly like being an infantryman in World War I, except no guns, no rats, no mud, no incoming artillery fire, no poison gas.

    Like every true chickenhawk, Thune's bio makes no mention of military service, not even in some cushy Reserve unit. Perhaps his service was so heroic that everyone but me knows about it — you know, like recent Medal of Honor recipient Sal Giunta.

    But somehow I doubt that. C'mon you Congressional pussies: Find some other metaphor that doesn't dishonor the honorable.

  16. __kth__

    Whoever carries the Republican standard in 2012 will be forced by his teabagger supporters to run the most rancid political campaign in this nation's history, only to lose. In other words, career suicide if you have presidential aspirations. Really not surprising there have been so few takers to date.

  17. widestanceroman

    Tyrell Corp.'s finest technology to date: Mittens, but without the whirring sound when he walks.

  18. twaingirl

    Maybe if the Republicans pray enough, God will raise the corpse of Ronald Regan. Then we'd have a real election on our hands.

    1. Negropolis

      A good Republican would be praising for the reanimation of Lincoln, but Lincoln could never win a Republican primary, today. Well, maybe in New England (there's a new England, now?), but that's about it.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Abortionist season!

      Faggot season!

      Abortionist season!

      Faggot season!

      Abortionist season!

      Abortionist season!

      Faggot season!

      Alright, Doc, whatever you say.

  19. assistantatlas

    I'm sorry, I know I'm not into dudes or whatever so maybe it's not my place to point this out, but: this guy is not attractive. I mean, right? I can't be the only one who thinks he looks like Death With A Tan.

    1. PristineODummy

      No. No, you're not. Actually, there's something to be said for a skin stretched so preternaturally tightly over the underlying skull: at least he'll never need facelifts.

  20. LionelHutzEsq

    It doesn't matter who the GOP Presidential pick will be. All that matters is that either a rove Sarah Palin or Dick Cheney is VP so that the show will be run [far to the] right.

  21. Billmatic

    Who wants to bet his kids spent way more time thinking about what they would do on a date with Justin Bieber than "how we might best serve South Dakota and our nation."

  22. 4TheTurnstiles

    How to serve South Dakota? Become an abortion doctor, Sen. Thune. Then abort Wall Drug.

    And please stay the fuck away from Spearfish, it's the only nice town left in this boring rectangle state.

      1. 4TheTurnstiles

        Wall Drug and Mt Rushmore… well, sure, Ned Flanders and the rest of Real America think they're pretty swell.

        Us socialistic treehugger types find a lot to appreciate in the Black Hills, fwiw.

  23. Negropolis

    So in this analogy, is John Thune the Nazis or is he one of the Allied Powers?

    Judging by his strong North Germanic features, I'd definitely put him on the size of the Nazis. Let's just say that the guy could play the villain in a Rocky or Spike Lee movie.

  24. Lazy Media

    I've been telling you people since 2009 that Mittens is your GOP nominee. He's the least scary, thus appealing to conservatives after they get over their crushes on assorted wingnuts. AND, he'll be tough for Obama to beat in the general, because America sucks.

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