this guy ate bill hicks!

Screaming Alex Jones Says Evil, Soul-Killing Justin Bieber Isn’t As Cool As Tesla, Magellan

Austin loon Alex Jones HAS HAD IT with “Justin Biebler,” who is not at all cool like Tesla and Jefferson and Magellan. Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.” THIS IS PRETTY MUCH TRUE! [Alex Jones]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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99 comments

  1. proudgrampa

    What? All the shit going on in the world today, and all this idiot can talk about is some teen age entertainer (I use that word loosely)? Stop the planet — I wanna get off!

  2. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons."

    Nonsense. I've been a gibbering demon since before the Bieb was born.

    Also, nothing speaks to the youngs like a Tesla reference. Except perhaps a Michael Faraday reference.

    1. weejee

      Praising Niki Telsa? The guy was crazy brilliant, but he was also a bit crazy. An OCD, women's libtard, vegetarian who hated obesity and always had to stay in a hotel room who's number was divisible by three. Interesting pick by libertarian nutjob for a child's historic hero.

          1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

            Well, I've reduced a stranger to bitter, angry tears. Looks like I've fulfilled my obligation to Satan earlier than usual this week.

          2. Angry_Marmot

            Edison electrocuted an elephant as part of a disinformation campaign, claiming Tesla's alternating current was more dangerous than Edison's DC.

            Moral Advantage: Tesla.

          3. Monsieur_Grumpe

            Hold it right there Mr. Sauce, if that is your real name. Edison was in favor of distributing electricity by DC which is a really stupid because it will only work over a short range and it’s a tremendous waste of power. Tesla understood that AC was the most efficient method and still is the way we distribute power today. Edison stubbornly tried to convince people that AC wouldn’t work and was dangerous so he electrocuted a live elephant to prove his point. Edison was an asshole.

        1. weejee

          I wasn't dissing him, just thought it a bit of a disconnect for Jones to be pushing him. Edison on his death bed finally gave it up that Telsa was right about AC for transmission.

        2. Giveusabob

          Agreed, plus those genuine mad scientist contributions like his death ray, wireless power transmission, and standing terrestrial waves (y'know, the real cause of that enormous 1908 explosion in Siberia) have really done wonders to make a terrifying Philip K Dick coloring book out of this modern world.

          As for Edison, a light bulb and motion picture show really don't send the same kind of shivers down my spine.

        3. twaingirl

          i wish i could upfist you more than once for sending us all to my fav comic. if kids today read those comics, they'd be a real match for this bieber fellow.

      1. SorosBot

        Tesla also helped Wolverine in his battle of stage magic against Batman, while looking like David Bowie; so he has that going for him.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    I'm kind of disappointed as I expected Alex Jones to go all William Shatner from the Wrath of Khan and scream in a proper vein bursting manner

    BIIIIIIIIIIIIEBERRRRRRR!!!!!

    BIIIIIIIIIIIIEBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

  4. Moonbatting Average

    What he really meant was "Justin Beiber is a conspiracy by the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Bilderburg Group, and the Trilateral Commission to turn us into stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.”

    Consider your minds blown

  5. mavenmaven

    It made his mind mush because he's been spending hours jerking off to Justin Bieber's picture in the back office.

  6. SorosBot

    I've read a number of Alex's mad rants from Intern Ben's links, but hadn't heard him; he's even more insane verbally than in writing. And he thinks insanity is enlightenment, so he won't be getting the psychiatric help he clearly needs anytime soon.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      The people who vote against a single payer health care system always seem to be the ones that need it the most.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Precisely for that reason. Now the have an excuse to not seek treatment. With universal health care these people would soon be receiving the electroconvulsive therapy they deserve, I mean, need.

    2. Ken Layne

      You have probably also seen Alex Jones, in cartoon form, in the Richard Linklater movies "A Waking Life" and "A Scanner Darkly." That second one, an *incredible* adaption of the Philip K Dick drug-paranoia novel, is one of the only good movies to come out of the last decade.

      1. Gunner Asch

        Thanks for the recommendations. Got 'em in my Netflix queue right behind 40 Barbie and Smurf movies for my granddaughter.

      2. SorosBot

        I didn't know that; I guess Linklater figured a real raving paranoid nutjob would work better than an actor pretending to be one.

  7. Asa_Hawks

    So, are they just straight up giving people jobs on talk radio on the condition that they stop talking their meds? Cause if so, sign me up.

    1. SorosBot

      Sadly, no; he's so much of a paranoid, likely schizophrenic conspiracy theorist he makes Beck look sane by comparison.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I wandered across the show Conspiracy Theory, hosted by Jesse Ventura, one day and The Body had Alex Jones on as a expert on the 9/11 conspiracy.
        Once I stopped laughing so hard and could regain control of the remote, I turned the channel and never looked back.

    2. zhubajie

      No, he's for real. Popular enough he can perform on regular radio, not just short-wave via WWCR (World-Wide Crackpot Radio).

  8. horsedreamer_1

    This just means support for socialist medicine is worse in the eyes of the modern GOP than is opposition to abortion.

  9. OldWiseWizard

    Not to be a hipster but I've been rocking the Alex Jones show since before 9/11 when his main issues were black helicopters and national ID cards. I find a sad beauty in how desperately the dude wants to be a digital Paul Revere but settles for being a fat,hyper-active spazzoid whose attempts at anger come off less like an angry revolutionary and more like a youtube video of an emotionally retarded kid punching himself in the face cause his mom canceled his Warcraft account.

    1. Ken Layne

      Me too, man, me too. I've even seen Alex Jones' original crazy cable-access show in Austin, while drunk out of my gourd. But a little Alex goes a loooonnnng way, so I only need to run across some insanity of his every couple of years now.

      1. glamourdammerung

        I become a reluctant fan when he started having guests that claimed my close relatives were shape-shifting space lizards.

  10. hagajim

    We were stunted and weak well before the Bieber Fever hit us…however, we may now add gibbering demons to our title.

  11. RedneckMuslin

    So does he think listening to merikin country music would be better? Does anyone have a song out now about Magellan's rotting ship? That would be like cool.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Does anyone have a song out now about Magellan's rotting ship?

      I don't think so, but send that idea to The Decembrists or Modest Mouse and they'll have a whole concept album on the subject out in a month.

  12. Gopherit

    Bieber is telling every woman it sucks if you get raped but it happens for a reason. I am pretty sure he won't take your guns.

    But yeah, Tesla was cooler.

  13. jmarsh04

    Okay, I get the Magellan and Jefferson thing, but what's so great about an 80s hair metal band who's claim to fame was a cover of the song, Signs?

  14. Lascauxcaveman

    If Jones was a little older, he'd be saying the same shit about Michael Jackson – or probably did, at some point. Older still; the Beatles (or Elvis). Older still; Lord Byron. Older still; Geoffrey Chaucer…

    1. DoktorZoom

      Or for that matter, how about that Magellan whippersnapper, pulling that dangerous stunt with a rotting ship and inadequate planning? He killed off most of his crew and didn't even finish the actual voyage–why would any responsible parent see him as a role model?

      Kids these days, I tells ya.

  15. politics_nerd

    him and rush should swap meds for the day, just to try it out.

    p.s. (edit) yea, first page again. :)

  16. Barbara_i

    "That's why I don't care about my own life" Trust me, none of us care about your life either. It's the only thing we agree upon.

  17. JoeBiteme

    This is the second time I've seen this guy. The first was when a conservative friend of mine sent me a clip of his as a "centrist" that we could both "agree" with. Fuck my life…

    1. SorosBot

      He's "centrist" in that he believes both Republican and Democratic politicians are part of the Masonic conspiracy that secretly controls the world.

  18. Corrugated Palin

    I REFUSE to go along with this! I've seen through all your lies, Justin Bieber, you WICKED, WICKED DEVIL!

  19. JustPixelz

    "Kids! Magellan was way cool. He circumcised the planet, got killed by natives and almost none of his crew survived. Yo, Yo, How cool is that?!"

    Other cool things Magellan did:
    - invented GPS
    - almost wrote "Around the World in 1000 Days"
    - first spokesman for Dr. Schol's Gellin' food pads
    - circumnavigated Newt Gingrich

  20. aguacatero

    While he was Portuguese, Magellan sailed for Spain, and it was to Spain that the one rotting ship returned. Much as Bieber, though Canadian, sails for the U.S. on the High Seas of teen culture.

    And Magellan was killed by the savages only after he attacked them. Which, judging from this, Bieber should avoid doing to Alex Jones.

    1. zhubajie

      They weren't all that savage. He wanted to insinuate himself into local politics and then set up a base for further expansion.

      For what it's worth, the Phillipine 1 centavo coin used to commemorate his killer. Maybe still does?

  21. assistantatlas

    The last sound Alex Jones will ever hear is the lovelorn sighs and tittering whispers of dozens of crazed, pigtailed tweens before they gut him like a fish.

    It seems like a fitting end, somehow…

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    I think this way underplays Bieber's groundbreaking work in physics and electronics. Hell, I've heard tale that the Canadian Navy has used Bieber's talents to make one of their ships disappear.

  23. Billmatic

    ATX represent. This guy is like Bill Hicks without the sanity.

    Magellan IS totally WAY cooler than stupid ol justin beibler.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    Okay, fine. But what we're really missing in American discourse is someone brave enough to step up and talk about Hannah Montana and teen genocide.

  25. glamourdammerung

    The only conspiracy theory I am interested in is how do clowns like Jones, Limbaugh, Beck, etc. manage to not blow out a couple of heart valves and croak by 40?

  26. starfanglednut

    God, I hate that fuckin guy. I have a friend who stays up all night listening to Coast to Coast radio, and then drives me absolutely insane with tales of the illuminati, the people in switzerland who control the world, the government possessing reverse engineered alien technology they are going to use to subdue us, the russians controlling the weather and on and on it goes. Actual real life is difficult enough without mucking it up with stupid conspiracies. Jeez.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      For your friend:

      Life is hard, but life is hardest when you're dumb
      No joie de vivre, just endless hours of tedium
      With a negative IQ,
      You'll be lonely, sad, and blue
      Life is hard, but life is hardest when you're dumb

Comments are closed.