THIS GUY ATE BILL HICKS!  12:03 pm February 22, 2011

Screaming Alex Jones Says Evil, Soul-Killing Justin Bieber Isn’t As Cool As Tesla, Magellan

by Ken Layne

Austin loon Alex Jones HAS HAD IT with “Justin Biebler,” who is not at all cool like Tesla and Jefferson and Magellan. Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.” THIS IS PRETTY MUCH TRUE! [Alex Jones]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 99 comments }

harry_palmer February 22, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Not sure it's Justin Bieber so much as 30 years of talk radio pounding our brains to mush. But he has a point.

proudgrampa February 22, 2011 at 12:14 pm

What? All the shit going on in the world today, and all this idiot can talk about is some teen age entertainer (I use that word loosely)? Stop the planet — I wanna get off!

Oblios_Cap February 22, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Who in the hell is Justin Beibler?

Somebody has a bad case of the jealous.

jim89048 February 22, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Better question, who is Alex Jones?

freakishlywrong February 22, 2011 at 12:16 pm

stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.
Ladies and Gents; Your Modern Rethuglican party.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 22, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Bieber made us “stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons."

Nonsense. I've been a gibbering demon since before the Bieb was born.

Also, nothing speaks to the youngs like a Tesla reference. Except perhaps a Michael Faraday reference.

KenLayIsAlive February 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Sure, but explain the stunted weakness and the back stabbing.

weejee February 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Praising Niki Telsa? The guy was crazy brilliant, but he was also a bit crazy. An OCD, women's libtard, vegetarian who hated obesity and always had to stay in a hotel room who's number was divisible by three. Interesting pick by libertarian nutjob for a child's historic hero.

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2011 at 12:44 pm

DON'T be dissin' my man; nobody was cooler than Tesla. His fellow inventors kinda gave him the shaft, however.

(Consolation prize: they named a pretty sweet car after him.)

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 22, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Oh yeah? Did Tesla ever make an elephant snuff film? I didn't think so.

Advantage: Edison.

CapnFatback February 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Did Edison ever bring Mark Twain to tears?

Advantage: Tesla.

DaRooster February 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Thanx So…

I'm crying now… poor Topsy… fucking people and their… peopleness.

Angry_Marmot February 22, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Edison electrocuted an elephant as part of a disinformation campaign, claiming Tesla's alternating current was more dangerous than Edison's DC.

Moral Advantage: Tesla.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Hold it right there Mr. Sauce, if that is your real name. Edison was in favor of distributing electricity by DC which is a really stupid because it will only work over a short range and it’s a tremendous waste of power. Tesla understood that AC was the most efficient method and still is the way we distribute power today. Edison stubbornly tried to convince people that AC wouldn’t work and was dangerous so he electrocuted a live elephant to prove his point. Edison was an asshole.

weejee February 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I wasn't dissing him, just thought it a bit of a disconnect for Jones to be pushing him. Edison on his death bed finally gave it up that Telsa was right about AC for transmission.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 22, 2011 at 3:40 pm

He did? Maybe he wasn't a total asshole.

Giveusabob February 22, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Agreed, plus those genuine mad scientist contributions like his death ray, wireless power transmission, and standing terrestrial waves (y'know, the real cause of that enormous 1908 explosion in Siberia) have really done wonders to make a terrifying Philip K Dick coloring book out of this modern world.

As for Edison, a light bulb and motion picture show really don't send the same kind of shivers down my spine.

twaingirl February 22, 2011 at 1:24 pm

i wish i could upfist you more than once for sending us all to my fav comic. if kids today read those comics, they'd be a real match for this bieber fellow.

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Tesla also helped Wolverine in his battle of stage magic against Batman, while looking like David Bowie; so he has that going for him.

ManchuCandidate February 22, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I'm kind of disappointed as I expected Alex Jones to go all William Shatner from the Wrath of Khan and scream in a proper vein bursting manner

BIIIIIIIIIIIIEBERRRRRRR!!!!!

BIIIIIIIIIIIIEBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

HistoriCat February 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

He may not have done that but I'm thinking he may have wet his pants.

Gopherit February 22, 2011 at 12:48 pm

This does bring up a new possibility of a game though:

Quien es mas batshit? Jones o Beck?

ManchuCandidate February 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Beck. Because at least Jones is hating on someone who exists.

Moonbatting Average February 22, 2011 at 12:20 pm

What he really meant was "Justin Beiber is a conspiracy by the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Bilderburg Group, and the Trilateral Commission to turn us into stunted, weak, back-stabbing gibbering demons.”

Consider your minds blown

Not_So_Much February 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

You left out Muslim Brotherhood. (though I think they're pretty tied up in Wisconsin right now.)

RedneckMuslin February 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

My tween daughter can't vote yet so his point was lost.

mavenmaven February 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm

It made his mind mush because he's been spending hours jerking off to Justin Bieber's picture in the back office.

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I've read a number of Alex's mad rants from Intern Ben's links, but hadn't heard him; he's even more insane verbally than in writing. And he thinks insanity is enlightenment, so he won't be getting the psychiatric help he clearly needs anytime soon.

Oblios_Cap February 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

The people who vote against a single payer health care system always seem to be the ones that need it the most.

Ducksworthy February 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Precisely for that reason. Now the have an excuse to not seek treatment. With universal health care these people would soon be receiving the electroconvulsive therapy they deserve, I mean, need.

Ken Layne February 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm

You have probably also seen Alex Jones, in cartoon form, in the Richard Linklater movies "A Waking Life" and "A Scanner Darkly." That second one, an *incredible* adaption of the Philip K Dick drug-paranoia novel, is one of the only good movies to come out of the last decade.

Gunner Asch February 22, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Thanks for the recommendations. Got 'em in my Netflix queue right behind 40 Barbie and Smurf movies for my granddaughter.

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I didn't know that; I guess Linklater figured a real raving paranoid nutjob would work better than an actor pretending to be one.

zhubajie February 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm

He rivals my other fave, Brother Stair!

KenLayIsAlive February 22, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I don't know about the demons, but Beiber certainly has turned the staff at the AFA into closeted, hunchbacked, masturbating gnomes.

TanzbodenKoenig February 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Funny, he makes more sense than Beck and he doesn't even use chalkboards?

Asa_Hawks February 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

So, are they just straight up giving people jobs on talk radio on the condition that they stop talking their meds? Cause if so, sign me up.

weejee February 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Alex Jones' show is satire, right? The spittle and froth had me going. LoLz

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Sadly, no; he's so much of a paranoid, likely schizophrenic conspiracy theorist he makes Beck look sane by comparison.

GOPCrusher February 22, 2011 at 2:54 pm

I wandered across the show Conspiracy Theory, hosted by Jesse Ventura, one day and The Body had Alex Jones on as a expert on the 9/11 conspiracy.
Once I stopped laughing so hard and could regain control of the remote, I turned the channel and never looked back.

zhubajie February 22, 2011 at 7:32 pm

No, he's for real. Popular enough he can perform on regular radio, not just short-wave via WWCR (World-Wide Crackpot Radio).

horsedreamer_1 February 22, 2011 at 12:30 pm

This just means support for socialist medicine is worse in the eyes of the modern GOP than is opposition to abortion.

chascates February 22, 2011 at 12:30 pm

This is good news for Britney Spears.

Not_So_Much February 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm

And John McCain…

Schmannnity February 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Alex Jones grew up with a Magellan swimsuit poster on his wall.

OldWiseWizard February 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Not to be a hipster but I've been rocking the Alex Jones show since before 9/11 when his main issues were black helicopters and national ID cards. I find a sad beauty in how desperately the dude wants to be a digital Paul Revere but settles for being a fat,hyper-active spazzoid whose attempts at anger come off less like an angry revolutionary and more like a youtube video of an emotionally retarded kid punching himself in the face cause his mom canceled his Warcraft account.

Ken Layne February 22, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Me too, man, me too. I've even seen Alex Jones' original crazy cable-access show in Austin, while drunk out of my gourd. But a little Alex goes a loooonnnng way, so I only need to run across some insanity of his every couple of years now.

glamourdammerung February 22, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I become a reluctant fan when he started having guests that claimed my close relatives were shape-shifting space lizards.

BaldarTFlagass February 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

This guy is a better wacko when he's doing it in a Linklater movie.

hagajim February 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

We were stunted and weak well before the Bieber Fever hit us…however, we may now add gibbering demons to our title.

RedneckMuslin February 22, 2011 at 12:39 pm

So does he think listening to merikin country music would be better? Does anyone have a song out now about Magellan's rotting ship? That would be like cool.

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Does anyone have a song out now about Magellan's rotting ship?

I don't think so, but send that idea to The Decembrists or Modest Mouse and they'll have a whole concept album on the subject out in a month.

hagajim February 22, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Dude looks like he's trying to hold in a giant deuce…

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Something is happening but you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?

imissopus February 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Tesla? Please, they were just a minor '80s hair band. Poison or Winger FTW!

CapnFatback February 22, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Gopherit February 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Bieber is telling every woman it sucks if you get raped but it happens for a reason. I am pretty sure he won't take your guns.

But yeah, Tesla was cooler.

DoktorZoom February 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Good lord–You know, John Belushi did this shtick a LOT better.

Ken Layne February 22, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Bill Hicks actually did the *exact* act, but then he died, and Alex Jones copied him (except for the being a skinny little dude part.)

DoktorZoom February 22, 2011 at 3:23 pm

God, I miss Bill Hicks…He also did a fine number on Rush Limbaugh. (NSFW, just in case anyone's ever not heard of Hicks)

jmarsh04 February 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Okay, I get the Magellan and Jefferson thing, but what's so great about an 80s hair metal band who's claim to fame was a cover of the song, Signs?

nounverb911 February 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

He called football fake, isn't that blasphemy in Texas?

nounverb911 February 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm

When did Rush get hair?

nounverb911 February 22, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I only made it to 1:05, does his head explode at the end?

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If Jones was a little older, he'd be saying the same shit about Michael Jackson – or probably did, at some point. Older still; the Beatles (or Elvis). Older still; Lord Byron. Older still; Geoffrey Chaucer…

DoktorZoom February 22, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Or for that matter, how about that Magellan whippersnapper, pulling that dangerous stunt with a rotting ship and inadequate planning? He killed off most of his crew and didn't even finish the actual voyage–why would any responsible parent see him as a role model?

Kids these days, I tells ya.

politics_nerd February 22, 2011 at 12:58 pm

him and rush should swap meds for the day, just to try it out.

p.s. (edit) yea, first page again. :)

edgydrifter February 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Exhibit A of Tesla's superiority over both Bieber and Magellan. Case closed.

Barbara_i February 22, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"That's why I don't care about my own life" Trust me, none of us care about your life either. It's the only thing we agree upon.

Ducksworthy February 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Glad he finally owning up to the condition he finds himself in.

ArmoredBore February 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I feel this is obligatory: http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/3/cocaine

Seriously, this guy makes Lewis Black look like some tea-sipping introvert.

JoeBiteme February 22, 2011 at 1:27 pm

This is the second time I've seen this guy. The first was when a conservative friend of mine sent me a clip of his as a "centrist" that we could both "agree" with. Fuck my life…

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 1:48 pm

He's "centrist" in that he believes both Republican and Democratic politicians are part of the Masonic conspiracy that secretly controls the world.

JoeBiteme February 22, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Why am I not surprised…

MinAgain February 22, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I think someone is bitter about his unreturned phone calls and text messages. Love hurts, Alex.

Corrugated Palin February 22, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I REFUSE to go along with this! I've seen through all your lies, Justin Bieber, you WICKED, WICKED DEVIL!

user-of-owls February 22, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Khaddafi is blaming Bieber too.

JustPixelz February 22, 2011 at 1:54 pm

"Kids! Magellan was way cool. He circumcised the planet, got killed by natives and almost none of his crew survived. Yo, Yo, How cool is that?!"

Other cool things Magellan did:
- invented GPS
- almost wrote "Around the World in 1000 Days"
- first spokesman for Dr. Schol's Gellin' food pads
- circumnavigated Newt Gingrich

SorosBot February 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The getting killed part is not exactly cool.

ttommyunger February 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I AM conflicted. Is Alex Jones a paranoid idiot or a raving fucking maniac? I report, you deride.

zhubajie February 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm

He alternates. Check http://www.overcomerministry.org for his main competitor!

ttommyunger February 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm

The woods is just full of 'em!

Tony February 22, 2011 at 2:25 pm

To call him a nutcase insults nutcases, but he's right about Tesla. That guy was a stone cold genius.

aguacatero February 22, 2011 at 2:57 pm

While he was Portuguese, Magellan sailed for Spain, and it was to Spain that the one rotting ship returned. Much as Bieber, though Canadian, sails for the U.S. on the High Seas of teen culture.

And Magellan was killed by the savages only after he attacked them. Which, judging from this, Bieber should avoid doing to Alex Jones.

zhubajie February 22, 2011 at 7:38 pm

They weren't all that savage. He wanted to insinuate himself into local politics and then set up a base for further expansion.

For what it's worth, the Phillipine 1 centavo coin used to commemorate his killer. Maybe still does?

GOPCrusher February 22, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Further proof to the statement "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball".

assistantatlas February 22, 2011 at 3:10 pm

The last sound Alex Jones will ever hear is the lovelorn sighs and tittering whispers of dozens of crazed, pigtailed tweens before they gut him like a fish.

It seems like a fitting end, somehow…

LionelHutzEsq February 22, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I think this way underplays Bieber's groundbreaking work in physics and electronics. Hell, I've heard tale that the Canadian Navy has used Bieber's talents to make one of their ships disappear.

Billmatic February 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

ATX represent. This guy is like Bill Hicks without the sanity.

Magellan IS totally WAY cooler than stupid ol justin beibler.

andrewdrinker February 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I'm really surprised The Thinking Man's Glenn Beck would even know who Justin Bieber is.

lochnessmonster February 22, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Maybe he'll change his mind when he sees Justin's new "do"…of course he IS a Canadian.

OneYieldRegular February 22, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Okay, fine. But what we're really missing in American discourse is someone brave enough to step up and talk about Hannah Montana and teen genocide.

glamourdammerung February 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

The only conspiracy theory I am interested in is how do clowns like Jones, Limbaugh, Beck, etc. manage to not blow out a couple of heart valves and croak by 40?

aisai February 23, 2011 at 1:51 am

All the kids ever talk about nowadays is Michael Jordan…

starfanglednut February 23, 2011 at 4:26 am

God, I hate that fuckin guy. I have a friend who stays up all night listening to Coast to Coast radio, and then drives me absolutely insane with tales of the illuminati, the people in switzerland who control the world, the government possessing reverse engineered alien technology they are going to use to subdue us, the russians controlling the weather and on and on it goes. Actual real life is difficult enough without mucking it up with stupid conspiracies. Jeez.

BaldarTFlagass February 23, 2011 at 8:29 am

For your friend:

Life is hard, but life is hardest when you're dumb
No joie de vivre, just endless hours of tedium
With a negative IQ,
You'll be lonely, sad, and blue
Life is hard, but life is hardest when you're dumb

Lascauxcaveman February 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Link fail brings mark Twain to tears.

CapnFatback February 22, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Or was I just being Palin-ish meta?

No, I wasn't.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 22, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Well, I've reduced a stranger to bitter, angry tears. Looks like I've fulfilled my obligation to Satan earlier than usual this week.

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