Fighting Obesity With Sophisticated Lard

Were you worried about the fate of upscale donuts? True, in D.C., they already come topped with bacon, or dipped in gold and stuffed with foie gras and whatnot, but this will not suffice. There is SO much potential for these little round balls of sugar that offer no nutritional value! Are they being served out of a truck? We didn't think so. But have no fear, as our top priority is thinking of ways to make the artery-clogging food eaten by Real Americans into something so absurdly gluttonous that it's good enough for People Like Us, we now have donut french toast. For brunch!

What is the origin of donut french toast and other "elevated" junk foods? The New York Times knows! In a recent article about sports bars that cater to foodies, they explained that this is simply, "sophistication transforming yet another preserve of culinary ineptitude." Translation: when we do it, it's unique! When they do it, it gives you diabetes! If we're serious about fighting obesity, it's just a matter of everyone pumping themselves with only the most sophisticated of lard based products. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Contradiction and unnecessary gluttony aside, french toast made from donuts or stuffed with cheese does taste very good. Here are some of the better gourmet french toast options in D.C.:

•  Blue Duck Tavern:  Donut french toast was just added to the brunch menu at Blue Duck Tavern. This culinary delight/abomination is made from brioche dough that is deep-fried, soaked in french toast batter, baked, and then glazed. It is finished off with cashews and almond granola. $15 for 2 donuts.

•  Bistro Bis : The french toast at this upscale restaurant blocks from the Capitol is also made from brioche bread, only it's dunked in hazelnut batter. It's served with bacon, caramelized bananas and vanilla crème fraîche. It's fluffy. It's sweet. And the portion is HUGE. $14.50.

•  Matchbox:  There are two french toast options on the brunch menu at Matchbox: banana bread french toast that comes with caramelized bananas, raspberries, and rum-infused maple syrup for $13, or cinnamon french toast that is stuffed with honey cream cheese and topped with maple butter for $11.

•  Hudson : For all the Jews who don't understand this Brioche business, Hudson serves challah french toast and it comes topped with strawberries, bananas, pecans, and cream cheese. $12.

•  Birch and Barley:  The french toast at Birch and Barley is made for bacon-loving-locavore-alcoholics. It's a whiskey french toast and it comes served with local gala apples, candied walnuts, mascarpone, and bacon. $14.

•  Georgia Browns:   Biscuits are delicious, which is why when you dunk bread in biscuit batter, the resulting french toast is very moist and very good. This french toast is served as part of their $40.95 jazz brunch that includes an all-you-can-eat starter buffet, and an entree (which you can take home), as well as a dessert buffet.

It really is only a matter of time before Real Americas come after us in their scooters and start pelting us with Big Macs, which we will then turn into a delightful combination of meats and cheese dressed with the finest aioli served on a lightly toasted brioche bun.