he'll kick you apart

10 Fun (Untrue?) Things You Didn’t Know About George Washington

#11: Was actually Kenyan.Will this be the last President’s Day/George Washington/Sorta Lincoln holiday in America? Depends how the violent insurrections and crushing poverty and societal collapse go, over these next 12 months! So let’s remember our nation’s “First Dude” by compiling a listicle of 10 Sexy Tips To Drive George Washington Wild In Bed (“3: Somehow make him alive.”) or whatever, to honor the United States’ first “Warblogging President.” He crushed the blimey British like dried testicles under his manly boot heels, and that’s why we still put him on our most worthless piece of paper currency!

10. Lost all his teeth in a YouTube “teen cutting video” gone wrong.

9. Thanks to his long, bony middle finger (exactly like the nocturnal lemur known as the Aye-Aye), Colonel Washington was able to remove Benjamin Franklin’s gallstones through a tiny “keyhole incision,” thus inventing modern robotic-assisted surgery. (The finger was itself robotic, and built by David Bushnell, the same clever inventor who created “The Turtle,” America’s first war submarine.)

8. Co-composer (lyrics) of the classic sea shanty, “A Pirate’s Life For Me.” (Music by Robert Louis Stevenson.)

7. Lost his penis to the tomahawk of an Indian warrior in 1754 (video). For the remainder of his life, Washington used a painful “wooden dildo” in place of his original organ. But the method for successful ejaculation through a wooden dildo was still nearly three decades away, and Washington’s wife (Murtha Washington) died of melancholia because she could not give birth to her second husband’s children. (As salve for their sadness, the Washingtons purchased many negro slaves and beat them mercilessly.)

6. Washington did not know how to spell choose:

In order to legally keep slaves in the state of Pennsylvania, Washington could not hold them there for more than six months. In order to evade the spirit and letter of this law, he deliberately rotated his slaves, allowing none of them to stay in Philadelphia for more than the six months which would have given them their freedom. A 1788 law was meant to close this loophole and prevent slaveholders from doing as Washington did, but it was not enforced and the president deliberately engaged in law breaking.

He wrote to an aide, “In case it shall be found that any of my slaves may, or any of them shall attempt their freedom at the expiration of six months, it is my wish and desire that you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep, home – for although I do not think they would be benefited by the change, yet the idea of freedom might be too great a temptation for them to resist. … If upon taking good advice, it is found expedient to send them back to Virginia, I wish to have it accomplished under the pretext that may deceive both them and the public.”

5. Widely credited as the “Father of Modern Science Fiction.”

4. When not on horseback, glided around on a pair of early “Heely” rolling shoes of his own design.

3. Item three has been removed because it is a Masonic Sex-Rite Secret.

2. Homosexuality was completely limited to “smooth Asians,” despite the claims made in the controversial Washington biography by Edmund Morris, Dutch.

1. Invented “white rap.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Barbara_i

    If George were still alive today he would say, "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"

    1. V572625694

      "And they've annexed virtually empty 'states' in the Western Territories and given them two Senators each!"

  2. littlebigdaddy

    #12–breath smelled of rancid oysters.
    #13–was the first person to identify "Santorum," but he called it "Hamilton."

  3. donner_froh

    "you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep,"

    Given that George had a wooden, non-ejaculating penis (splinters–ouch) one doesn't need to ask which "part" of them that Mrs. Washington kept.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    Ken, you forgot that George Washington was also the person who first floated the idea of Facebook to the Winklevoss twins.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Jefferson was more commercially savvy, and produced all of his porn on VHS, following Ben Franklin's lead.

    1. DaRooster

      I once saw him wade across the Potomac [hiccup] with 13 soldiers on his back in a snowstorm!

    2. TheSheriffsNear

      A prize for obscure sub-reference!

      BTW, Bill Braski trained his dog to make him Manhattan's every night when he came home from work.

      Wait, that wasn't his dog, that was my WIFE! BRASKI!!

  5. Redhead

    Did Georgie boy also publish stories in the New York Times about things which have been widespread among tweens for the past ten years and call them "alarming new trends?"

    1. V572625694

      No, but he did compose the first known charticle on that topic, and would later be granted the first Pulitzer Prize.

  6. sezme

    If he were alive today, his religious beliefs – Deism – would make him ineligible to run even as a Democrat, and his support for slavery would make him ineligible to run even as a Republican. This is why he's a True National Hero.

    1. mourningnmerica

      I'm confused. His support of slavery would make him a shoo-in for the Republican nomination in 2012. I mean, am I wrong?

  7. SayItWithWookies

    You know what was a real downer? Hanging out with GW at Mount Vernon, taking giant hits off his bong while sitting on his veranda overlooking the beautiful bend in the Potomac, and then realizing all his dank green bud was grown by slaves. Total buzzkill.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      And you really have never done cocaine until you have done it off the ass of one of Washington's slaves.

    2. chicken_thief

      Listening to him invoke the name "Reagan" every time he felt he needed to add some umphhh to his point runed my visit – despite the primo herb.

    3. DemonicRage

      It sucked to be there on afternoons when he would look at you and say, "Would you like me to show you something else I can do with my long bony middle finger?" I mean on afternoons when a person wasn't in that particular mood.

  8. baconzgood

    "it is my wish and desire that you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep"

    DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!! That's Jeffrey Dahmer SHIT!! Havin' his wife send parts of people to the White House is just plain FUCKED UP!!!

    1. boatapple

      They still haven't renamed the 3rd Street Tunnel "The Martha Washington Monument," so, we still have plenty of work to do.

  9. Gopherit

    Too bad washington and jefferson are no longer here to fuck up that little bitch Beck. That motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks.

    Really, that video never gets old.

    1. Negropolis

      Psst…I hear he was born in England to Catholics! It'd be irresponsible not to speculate.

      Catholic back then was like Muslim is, now.

  10. GuanoFaucet

    #11 Unbeknownst to Washington, over two centuries later he would serve as a blank canvas on which the teatards would project their authoritarian assholery. (see, also: #12 Washington was a libertarian, and #13 Washington hated communists)

  11. twaingirl

    #27: Let Sherman burn the South again and again and again. True Story: Washington didn't like no traitors, man.

    1. JustPixelz

      But, ironically, he gets blamed for everything that's wrong in politics. "We don't need a bunch of Washington bureaucrats telling us what to do!" "Washington is not the solution; it's the problem." "Politicians need to get away from Washington to find out how real Americans live." The bastard.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    for although I do not think they would be benefited by the change, yet the idea of freedom might be too great a temptation for them to resist.

    And this remains the core philosophy of our capitalist overlords, lo, to this very day.

    1. HistoriCat

      Yes, well, freedom is a great burden for many people and they would be better off if a firm hand were shown so that they could lead happy, productive lives. Just think of all the spirituals they could sing.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    16. Invented the Kindle, but since he forgot to invent the internets at the same time, it disappeared from history until Lincoln invented them, along with Amazon Books (so he could make bank from his speaking tour to Gettysburg).

  14. Oblios_Cap

    #13 Washington rode about in a slave-powered hover round, displaying misspelled signs later in his life.

  15. aguacatero

    Ken, having the benefit of your wisdom and diligent research into history and what-not does compensate a bit for the discontents of living in End Times.

  16. metamarcisf

    19. Was able to cross the Rio Grande and defeat the Hessian forces at Trenton without the use of a smartphone or GPS device.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Fuck that "drone" shit, dude. He used actual predators–wolves, grizzlies, catamounts (definitely *not* no PUMAS), and muthafuckin' sharks.

    1. Negropolis

      No, no, no. He crossed the Mississippi to defeat the Haitians in the Battle of Bloody Kansas sans surveying maps drafted by Louis & Clark.

  17. OneDollarJuana

    18. First to throw an Amero across the Rio Grande, signaling the ground-breaking of the NAFTA Highway and destruction of workers' rights which he was prescient enough to see the rise and fall of.

  18. OneDollarJuana

    Actually, Reagan played "the Gippper" in the Knute Rockne Story. He enjoyed the part so much he's still playing it.

  19. JoshuaNorton

    Little known Washington fun-fact. Although he's credited with having his picture on the one dollar bill, it's really Barbara Bush.

  20. Come here a minute

    George Washington successfully deceived the public and his slaves in obscuring the true nature of the American United Caliphate, of which he was the First Caliph.

  21. baconzgood

    Was notorious for going around asking people "Have you seen Dees?" and when they asked "Dees who?", he'd yell "DEEZ NUTZ!!!" while pointing at his pantaloons.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    #22 Went up to prostitutes and said "See that! That's my face on the Dollar Bill. Now suck it if you want a few of these!"

    1. GOPCrusher

      #25 Invented the time honored tradition of tipping strippers by placing paper money in their G-Strings.

  23. LionelHutzEsq

    #23 Constantly woke from terrifying dreams claiming that the country would start going down hill because of "the Dick of Cheney."

  24. LionelHutzEsq

    #24 Briefly considered asking John McCain to be his running mate, but decided against as McCain was too old and too unstable.

  25. bflrtsplk

    1A. Didn't realize there would be no penicillin for at least the next 100 years. Died (allegedly) of syphilis.

  26. cheaphits

    #51 Cut down cherry tree as a lad and when ask why stated –

    "I cannt tell a lie – chopped the tree as I shall chop taxes for the wealthy"

    A meme that continues among true patriots to this very day.

  27. PublicLuxury

    I had no idea Sarah Palin was so accomplished.

    George did NOT have or invent Truknutz, so he is basically useless. Horsenutz didn't even come in colors!

    1. DoktorZoom

      Don't forget "Carriage Bollocks" (as coined by one of our fellow worthly Wokette skum denginerates, I forget who…)

  28. chicken_thief

    # whatever… Turned down a gig on DWTS thereby opening the door for Grifter in training, Bristol.

  29. chickensmack

    Turkey Fact #12: He created a series of celluloid overlays that sat over a book page, and made the text funnier than the original writer. Critics consider his "…in bed" overlays for the Holy Bible to be his best work, but the crickets chipred when his artifice said mean things about Nathaniel Hawthorne's hot-ass momma.

  30. JustPixelz

    #37 Wrote nation's first blog: georgette.com
    #38 Repealed Continental Army DADT policy to retain English translators — at least that's the reason he gave at the time.
    #39 Said "When you build a monument in my honor, I want it to be phallic and big … really big."

  31. MiniMencken

    Personally saw to the interior decoration of Mt. Vernon, writing to Jefferson that he thought it important to guide the young nation's taste by setting an example. Suck on that, Martha Stewart! And, of course, wrote that everybody should grow weed… The Father, or perhaps the Bachelor Uncle, of American Metrosexuality!

  32. JoshuaNorton

    Fun-fact from the new Texas official school history books:

    Every president died on July 4, 1826. Look it up.

  33. Dudleydidwrong

    Sally Fairfax! You forgot about Sally Fairfax, his neighbor's wife. George lusted after Sally. Was it ever consummated? Dunno, but Sally complained about splinters until she died.

  34. AngryGeometer

    44. Got big, like Super Mario, every time he ate mushrooms.
    45. Was first rapper to give shout out to Mount Vernon, predating Heavy D by approx. 203 years.

  35. mavenmaven

    All very nice and good, but has anyone seen his birth certificate? Its a legitimate subject for discussion, after all.

  36. Negropolis

    46. Was the first fan of the yankees.
    47. George's lesser known son, President George "Dubya" Washington, took us back to war with England claiming they were harboring Weapons of Maritime Destruction.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Or around the same amount that do not realize the Earth revolves around the Sun and is also not flat.

  37. Negropolis

    48. Fails to mention in his diary that a few good men were used for stew during the brutual winter at Valley Forge. Also, horses and Brisith POWs.

    49. During is first inauguration at Federal Hall in New York City, was heckeld by the great, great, great, etc…grandfather of South Carolina Congressman Addison Graves Wilson, Jr. where he is said to have shouted "You! Fie!"

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