#11: Was actually Kenyan.Will this be the last President’s Day/George Washington/Sorta Lincoln holiday in America? Depends how the violent insurrections and crushing poverty and societal collapse go, over these next 12 months! So let’s remember our nation’s “First Dude” by compiling a listicle of 10 Sexy Tips To Drive George Washington Wild In Bed (“3: Somehow make him alive.”) or whatever, to honor the United States’ first “Warblogging President.” He crushed the blimey British like dried testicles under his manly boot heels, and that’s why we still put him on our most worthless piece of paper currency!

10. Lost all his teeth in a YouTube “teen cutting video” gone wrong.

9. Thanks to his long, bony middle finger (exactly like the nocturnal lemur known as the Aye-Aye), Colonel Washington was able to remove Benjamin Franklin’s gallstones through a tiny “keyhole incision,” thus inventing modern robotic-assisted surgery. (The finger was itself robotic, and built by David Bushnell, the same clever inventor who created “The Turtle,” America’s first war submarine.)

8. Co-composer (lyrics) of the classic sea shanty, “A Pirate’s Life For Me.” (Music by Robert Louis Stevenson.)

7. Lost his penis to the tomahawk of an Indian warrior in 1754 (video). For the remainder of his life, Washington used a painful “wooden dildo” in place of his original organ. But the method for successful ejaculation through a wooden dildo was still nearly three decades away, and Washington’s wife (Murtha Washington) died of melancholia because she could not give birth to her second husband’s children. (As salve for their sadness, the Washingtons purchased many negro slaves and beat them mercilessly.)

6. Washington did not know how to spell choose:

In order to legally keep slaves in the state of Pennsylvania, Washington could not hold them there for more than six months. In order to evade the spirit and letter of this law, he deliberately rotated his slaves, allowing none of them to stay in Philadelphia for more than the six months which would have given them their freedom. A 1788 law was meant to close this loophole and prevent slaveholders from doing as Washington did, but it was not enforced and the president deliberately engaged in law breaking.

He wrote to an aide, “In case it shall be found that any of my slaves may, or any of them shall attempt their freedom at the expiration of six months, it is my wish and desire that you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep, home – for although I do not think they would be benefited by the change, yet the idea of freedom might be too great a temptation for them to resist. … If upon taking good advice, it is found expedient to send them back to Virginia, I wish to have it accomplished under the pretext that may deceive both them and the public.”

5. Widely credited as the “Father of Modern Science Fiction.”

4. When not on horseback, glided around on a pair of early “Heely” rolling shoes of his own design.

3. Item three has been removed because it is a Masonic Sex-Rite Secret.

2. Homosexuality was completely limited to “smooth Asians,” despite the claims made in the controversial Washington biography by Edmund Morris, Dutch.

1. Invented “white rap.”

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barbara_i

    If George were still alive today he would say, "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"

    • V572625694

      "And they've annexed virtually empty 'states' in the Western Territories and given them two Senators each!"

  • littlebigdaddy

    #12–breath smelled of rancid oysters.
    #13–was the first person to identify "Santorum," but he called it "Hamilton."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    11. Actually crossed the Potomac to see the Kennedy Center Honors for Harry Belafonte.

  • chascates

    He was also redheaded (in his youth, at least) so he was a potential Wonkette writer.

    • Fare la Volpe

      This is good news for Fare La Volpe.

  • "you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep,"

    Given that George had a wooden, non-ejaculating penis (splinters–ouch) one doesn't need to ask which "part" of them that Mrs. Washington kept.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Ken, you forgot that George Washington was also the person who first floated the idea of Facebook to the Winklevoss twins.

    • He also invented the "graphical user interface for a personal computing device" but foolishly signed a "work made for hire" contract.

      • jus_wonderin

        Oh I remember that one. Transoms, wasn't it?

        • "Ye Port Holes"

          • bagofmice

            Damn pirates.

          • jus_wonderin

            It was advertised for some time on ServantBook and Slavester.

  • genxr

    The wooden ejaculating penis is now a popular feature at steampunk festivals.

    • CrunchyKnee

      And CPAC.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #14: First person to produce interracial porn on Beta.

    • FNMA

      I thought that was Jefferson…

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Jefferson was more commercially savvy, and produced all of his porn on VHS, following Ben Franklin's lead.

        • jus_wonderin

          "following Ben Franklin's lead"

          Jefferson was submissive???

          • bagofmice

            Well, considering what he had tied to that collar…

        • Don't forget Burr's foray into snuff films. Too bad he got deported over it.

  • gullywompr

    His real name was Bill Braski. BRASKI!!!

    • DaRooster

      I once saw him wade across the Potomac [hiccup] with 13 soldiers on his back in a snowstorm!

      • gullywompr

        Brasky invented the name "Teabaggers". They did NOT want to be called that.

        To BILL BRASKY!!!

    • TheSheriffsNear

      A prize for obscure sub-reference!

      BTW, Bill Braski trained his dog to make him Manhattan's every night when he came home from work.

      Wait, that wasn't his dog, that was my WIFE! BRASKI!!

  • Redhead

    Did Georgie boy also publish stories in the New York Times about things which have been widespread among tweens for the past ten years and call them "alarming new trends?"

    • V572625694

      No, but he did compose the first known charticle on that topic, and would later be granted the first Pulitzer Prize.

  • sezme

    If he were alive today, his religious beliefs – Deism – would make him ineligible to run even as a Democrat, and his support for slavery would make him ineligible to run even as a Republican. This is why he's a True National Hero.

    • Radiotherapy

      However, he would have no problems being a teabagger?

    • mourningnmerica

      I'm confused. His support of slavery would make him a shoo-in for the Republican nomination in 2012. I mean, am I wrong?

  • MinAgain

    15. Never told a lie. Except for the lie of saying he never told a lie.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      It depends on what the meaning of is, is. Also if you count fellatio as "sex."

    • chicken_thief

      But he had his fingers crossed at the time.

  • Crank_Tango

    um yeah, it used to be spelled "chuse" –it's in the constitution!

    • gef05

      It's spelled correctly, you just can't see the top of the letter "o" because of the semen stain.

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know what was a real downer? Hanging out with GW at Mount Vernon, taking giant hits off his bong while sitting on his veranda overlooking the beautiful bend in the Potomac, and then realizing all his dank green bud was grown by slaves. Total buzzkill.

    • V572625694

      But the cigars were terrific.

      • OzoneTom

        As well as that tasty rye whisky.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      And you really have never done cocaine until you have done it off the ass of one of Washington's slaves.

      • Radiotherapy

        I'm confused, male or female?

    • chicken_thief

      Listening to him invoke the name "Reagan" every time he felt he needed to add some umphhh to his point runed my visit – despite the primo herb.

    • DemonicRage

      It sucked to be there on afternoons when he would look at you and say, "Would you like me to show you something else I can do with my long bony middle finger?" I mean on afternoons when a person wasn't in that particular mood.

  • jus_wonderin

    Number 14 – "T"

  • dr_giraud

    So he invented crop rotation AND slave rotation? There's history you can sit and spin on.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #15: First American to write America "Amerikkka."

  • baconzgood

    "it is my wish and desire that you should send the whole, or such part of them as Mrs. Washington may not chuse [sic] to keep"

    DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!! That's Jeffrey Dahmer SHIT!! Havin' his wife send parts of people to the White House is just plain FUCKED UP!!!

  • SexySmurf

    11. Built a giant stone penis in D.C.

    • boatapple

      They still haven't renamed the 3rd Street Tunnel "The Martha Washington Monument," so, we still have plenty of work to do.

  • Gopherit

    Too bad washington and jefferson are no longer here to fuck up that little bitch Beck. That motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks.

    Really, that video never gets old.

    • fuflans

      six hours late, i was sure someone had already said it.

      it is my favorite holiday b/c of that video.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #17: Never did produce his birth certificate in long form.

    • twaingirl

      He never was born. He was a gift from Kal-El.

    • Negropolis

      Psst…I hear he was born in England to Catholics! It'd be irresponsible not to speculate.

      Catholic back then was like Muslim is, now.

  • GuanoFaucet

    #11 Unbeknownst to Washington, over two centuries later he would serve as a blank canvas on which the teatards would project their authoritarian assholery. (see, also: #12 Washington was a libertarian, and #13 Washington hated communists)

  • twaingirl

    #27: Let Sherman burn the South again and again and again. True Story: Washington didn't like no traitors, man.

    • But, ironically, he gets blamed for everything that's wrong in politics. "We don't need a bunch of Washington bureaucrats telling us what to do!" "Washington is not the solution; it's the problem." "Politicians need to get away from Washington to find out how real Americans live." The bastard.

  • Oblios_Cap

    for although I do not think they would be benefited by the change, yet the idea of freedom might be too great a temptation for them to resist.

    And this remains the core philosophy of our capitalist overlords, lo, to this very day.

    • HistoriCat

      Yes, well, freedom is a great burden for many people and they would be better off if a firm hand were shown so that they could lead happy, productive lives. Just think of all the spirituals they could sing.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Or even such classic songs as "Camptown Ladies"!

        Doo-dah, doo dah.

        • HistoriCat

          Once again Blazing Saddles captures the essence of race in America.

          • Beowoof

            Funny movie, funny man that Mel Brooks. Unfortunately, the cowboy reminds of Scott Walker.

  • OneDollarJuana

    16. Invented the Kindle, but since he forgot to invent the internets at the same time, it disappeared from history until Lincoln invented them, along with Amazon Books (so he could make bank from his speaking tour to Gettysburg).

  • Oblios_Cap

    #13 Washington rode about in a slave-powered hover round, displaying misspelled signs later in his life.

    • Beowoof

      Before or after corn syrup induced Alzheimer?

    • Negropolis

      Actually, I think it was a wheeled craft powered by a large dog/small horse/slave child.

  • aguacatero

    Ken, having the benefit of your wisdom and diligent research into history and what-not does compensate a bit for the discontents of living in End Times.

  • metamarcisf

    19. Was able to cross the Rio Grande and defeat the Hessian forces at Trenton without the use of a smartphone or GPS device.

    • nounverb911

      However, he did use Predator Drones.

      • DoktorZoom

        Fuck that "drone" shit, dude. He used actual predators–wolves, grizzlies, catamounts (definitely *not* no PUMAS), and muthafuckin' sharks.

        • Negropolis

          And laser-cats, also. Oh, and sharks with lasers on their backs. Tambien.

    • Negropolis

      No, no, no. He crossed the Mississippi to defeat the Haitians in the Battle of Bloody Kansas sans surveying maps drafted by Louis & Clark.

  • OneDollarJuana

    18. First to throw an Amero across the Rio Grande, signaling the ground-breaking of the NAFTA Highway and destruction of workers' rights which he was prescient enough to see the rise and fall of.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #20 Actual name was Jorge Washingtonista, and was an illegal immigrant from El Salvador.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Actually, Reagan played "the Gippper" in the Knute Rockne Story. He enjoyed the part so much he's still playing it.

  • mereoblivion

    Hey! Those sex tips were spose to be for George's thighs only!

  • GuanoFaucet

    #66. Washington's wooden dildo would later father a human dildo, named Bill Kristol.

    • bagofmice

      Yet another foolishly planned invasion?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Do you have proof that Bill Kristol is, in fact, human?

      • jus_wonderin

        Pray, let us prick him, to see if he doth bleed.

        • LetUsBray

          How doest thou prick unto a giant prick?

          • DoktorZoom

            Call a mohel.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Little known Washington fun-fact. Although he's credited with having his picture on the one dollar bill, it's really Barbara Bush.

  • rocktonsam

    24. said "All of Them" first.

    • LionelHutzEsq


      • OneDollarJuana


        • Negropolis


    • jus_wonderin

      Could see rushing slaves from his porch.

      • elviouslyqueer

        You know who *else* saw rushing slaves from his porch?

    • DoktorZoom

      Crucial difference: Washington actually DID read all of the papers.

  • Come here a minute

    George Washington successfully deceived the public and his slaves in obscuring the true nature of the American United Caliphate, of which he was the First Caliph.

  • AddHomonym

    I thought the dildo was made out of hemp.

  • baconzgood

    Was notorious for going around asking people "Have you seen Dees?" and when they asked "Dees who?", he'd yell "DEEZ NUTZ!!!" while pointing at his pantaloons.

    • GOPCrusher

      That Washington was a real jokester.

    • DoktorZoom

      Well, with two sets of testicles, who wouldn't?

  • Troubledog

    Six foot twenty
    Fucking killing for fun.

  • They all fell asleep at the same time and then woke up as soon as Michele Bachmann gave Sleeping Washington a magic kiss on the anus.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #22 Went up to prostitutes and said "See that! That's my face on the Dollar Bill. Now suck it if you want a few of these!"

    • user-of-owls

      …causing Franklin to laugh and laugh.

    • GOPCrusher

      #25 Invented the time honored tradition of tipping strippers by placing paper money in their G-Strings.

    • mrpuma2u

      That was so wrong but I laughed out loud anyhow.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    #23 Constantly woke from terrifying dreams claiming that the country would start going down hill because of "the Dick of Cheney."

    • Negropolis


  • LionelHutzEsq

    #24 Briefly considered asking John McCain to be his running mate, but decided against as McCain was too old and too unstable.

  • bflrtsplk

    1A. Didn't realize there would be no penicillin for at least the next 100 years. Died (allegedly) of syphilis.

  • #51 Cut down cherry tree as a lad and when ask why stated –

    "I cannt tell a lie – chopped the tree as I shall chop taxes for the wealthy"

    A meme that continues among true patriots to this very day.

    • DoktorZoom

      I thought it was "Just as I shall chop prices on fine furniture, this weekend ONLY"

  • user-of-owls

    #31 Beat the loathsome weekend troll in the nation's first Fpelling Bee.

  • user-of-owls

    #32 Could accurately draw the Thirteen Colonies on a bar napkin from memory.

  • PublicLuxury

    I had no idea Sarah Palin was so accomplished.

    George did NOT have or invent Truknutz, so he is basically useless. Horsenutz didn't even come in colors!

    • JoshuaNorton

      Nothing presidential would come in colors until Reagan's jelly beans were invented.

    • DoktorZoom

      Don't forget "Carriage Bollocks" (as coined by one of our fellow worthly Wokette skum denginerates, I forget who…)

  • chicken_thief

    # whatever… Turned down a gig on DWTS thereby opening the door for Grifter in training, Bristol.

  • chickensmack

    Turkey Fact #12: He created a series of celluloid overlays that sat over a book page, and made the text funnier than the original writer. Critics consider his "…in bed" overlays for the Holy Bible to be his best work, but the crickets chipred when his artifice said mean things about Nathaniel Hawthorne's hot-ass momma.

    • DemmeFatale


  • genxr

    #516 Occasionally got drunk and ran around as a tiger furry.

    • Angry_Marmot

      And spelled it with a 'Y'.

  • #37 Wrote nation's first blog:
    #38 Repealed Continental Army DADT policy to retain English translators — at least that's the reason he gave at the time.
    #39 Said "When you build a monument in my honor, I want it to be phallic and big … really big."

  • dogscantlookup

    Washington he will murder your ass in your sleep on Christmas!

  • genxr

    #40 Made Chuck Norris cry like a little girl.

  • MiniMencken

    Personally saw to the interior decoration of Mt. Vernon, writing to Jefferson that he thought it important to guide the young nation's taste by setting an example. Suck on that, Martha Stewart! And, of course, wrote that everybody should grow weed… The Father, or perhaps the Bachelor Uncle, of American Metrosexuality!

  • JoshuaNorton

    Fun-fact from the new Texas official school history books:

    Every president died on July 4, 1826. Look it up.

  • BarackMyWorld

    #41 He was no Buddy Knox.

  • alaninthecastro

    Also, he wasn't born in the United States.

  • Radiotherapy

    #42, Would only talk with Fox News.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Sally Fairfax! You forgot about Sally Fairfax, his neighbor's wife. George lusted after Sally. Was it ever consummated? Dunno, but Sally complained about splinters until she died.

  • gef05

    # 300

    Could knot a cherry stalk using only his tongue.

  • Radiotherapy

    #43. Could make his cell phone work flawlessly on an airborne commercial airliner.

  • AngryGeometer

    44. Got big, like Super Mario, every time he ate mushrooms.
    45. Was first rapper to give shout out to Mount Vernon, predating Heavy D by approx. 203 years.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Would have been born in a manger, but that other great American beat him to it. Grrrrr!

  • mavenmaven

    All very nice and good, but has anyone seen his birth certificate? Its a legitimate subject for discussion, after all.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Same wit' Jefferson.

  • El Pinche

    Fucked an owl once.

    Sorry, I got nothing after that righteous video.

    • user-of-owls

      As my old man used to say, "You're cruisin' for a bruisin' smartass."

      • Radiotherapy

        Owl drink to that!

  • Negropolis

    46. Was the first fan of the yankees.
    47. George's lesser known son, President George "Dubya" Washington, took us back to war with England claiming they were harboring Weapons of Maritime Destruction.

  • This whole thread is bullshit, all True Americos know that Ronald Wilson Reagan was the bestest preznit ever. QED first at everything.

    Never a miscommunication.

    • BarackMyWorld
      • glamourdammerung

        Or around the same amount that do not realize the Earth revolves around the Sun and is also not flat.

  • Negropolis

    48. Fails to mention in his diary that a few good men were used for stew during the brutual winter at Valley Forge. Also, horses and Brisith POWs.

    49. During is first inauguration at Federal Hall in New York City, was heckeld by the great, great, great, etc…grandfather of South Carolina Congressman Addison Graves Wilson, Jr. where he is said to have shouted "You! Fie!"

  • TheSheriffsNear

    This reads like Ken came home from his latest desert vision-quest before the peyote wore off.

  • joobajooba

    50. Knocked down a cherry tree, on Angry Birds, on his iPhone.

Previous articleSUPER SHOCKER: American Killer In Pakistan Works For CIA
Next articleEgyptian Names Kid ‘Facebook’ To Honor Jan. 25 Revolution, So Go Ahead & Name Your Kid ‘Farmville’