what?! she should resign her fake jobs!

Leaked Book SHOCKER: Sarah Palin Is Terrible

Following her instincts.“A leaked manuscript by one of Sarah Palin’s closest aides from her time as governor charges that Palin broke state election law in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign and was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned.” Nah, that doesn’t sound like her. Must be a governor of another unpopulated northern meth-and-jerky wasteland they’re thinking of. On the other hand, someone with a South African e-mail address is sending sexy tidbits to the entire Internet. Anyway, here is the good quote holding everything together, dating to right before her resignation as governor: “I hate this damn job.” If she didn’t like that job, she must be very happy she will never be president!

The manuscript is titled, “In Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin: A Memoir of our Tumultuous Years.” Bailey is a former Alaska Airlines supervisor who joined Palin’s campaign team at the beginning of her successful run for governor in 2006. He writes in the manuscript how he was charmed and inspired by Palin.

See, it makes sense that Palin would hire something called an “Alaska Airlines supervisor” to run the executive branch of the state government, but it’s hard to believe somebody could be “charmed and inspired by Palin.” Can we really believe this leak?

“Sarah Palin had God’s blessing and people’s love and faith,” he wrote.

Oh come on.

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Besides this whole “Mandate of Heaven” thing, this guy alleges that Palin violated election law by using the soft-money RGA to fund her campaign commercials and that she appointed a dude to the Alaska Supreme Court pretty much because he really stuck it to her ex-brother-in-law in a custody hearing. When she one day becomes not-president, will she not-appoint a man to the Supreme Court solely because he waived one of Piper’s DUIs? Probably. [Anchorage Daily News]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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145 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    I read on a blog where someone compared Bailey to Judas Iscariot. Does this mean that Sarah should be held on the same level as Jesus, the Christ? If her followers would just spend a little time in the book store before they snatch up their copy of "Hover Around Monthly", with its diabeetus recipe for tater tot casserole, and look in the history section of the store they will see thousands of books on King, Queens, Popes, Prime Ministers, Presidents, First Ladies, et al.

    Or is it that Sarah's window-licking followers just want Sarah's legacy to match her Facebook page, well scrubbed of anything negative? Even the most intelligent and respectful posts that disagree with her just *magically* disappear. Sarah can't have free speech when she wants it and censorship when it doesn't please her.

    1. SorosBot

      Like Judas? Hmm..

      Listen Sarah
      I don't like what I see
      All I ask is that you listen to me
      And remember
      I've been your right hand man all along
      You have set them all on fire
      They think they've found the new Messiah
      And they'll hurt you when they find they're wrong

      That kind of works, I guess.

    2. Sue4466

      I believe Sarah is a notch above Jesus at this point. Jesus was a socialist who thought the poor should be blessed. Sarah thinks the poor can go fuck themselves. No softheaded socialism for her!

    3. TheMightyHaltor

      Every time I hear or read about Sarah Palin I say, "Jesus Christ". I guess that puts them on the same level, right?

    4. ChessieNefercat

      "Sarah's window-licking followers" — Nice, very nice.

      "Sarah can't have free speech when she wants it and censorship when it doesn't please her. "
      Sure she can!

    1. Not_So_Much

      Probably. But I'm sure he had the good sense to use it as inspiration to further poop on Teh Gheyz and Brownz while he wallowed in self-loathing.

  2. JackDempsey1

    Riley, Jack, Blair—
    that's wonkette entries from multiple Workers before noon on a federally-mandated work holiday. What gives?
    I've attempted to contact Overlord Layne to protest these inhumane working conditions, but have been unable to reach him, though, in his defense, cell phone reception is spotty on Caribbean islands.
    Suggested protest slogan:
    No Rights? No Writes.

  3. Callyson

    "He writes in the manuscript how he was charmed and inspired by Palin."
    Where is Mike Gravel when you need him?
    "Some of these people frighten me," indeed…

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Probably still walking down random rivers and dropping big rocks in them while being filmed (or not, it could be a hobby he was trying to connect to us with)….seriously, I like Gravel and all, but WTF was that about? Strangest ad ever made. Okay, second strangest campaign ad if you count Rich Iott's ad where he was dressed as a Waffen SS….what do you mean he didn't make that one? Well, it polled well in Mississippi and Alabama to be sure.

  4. SorosBot

    "was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned"

    How is this news? All she did during her half-term was abuse her power for petty revenge; everybody knows this.

      1. SorosBot

        Because in addition to the Teabaggers-esque attacks on black people, non-Christians and especially women, she also went after people she had personal grudges against, like her ex-brother-in-law.

    1. GOPCrusher

      And I'm sure that she is still consumed by petty grievances. Her entire existence seems to be based on her and how everyone is out to get her or her brood.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned"

      I like the inference that she was no longer consumed by petty grievances after she resigned?

  5. donner_froh

    Sarah Palin (May Allah honor her and grant her peace) "was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned."

    How about "has been consumed by petty grievances until right now and will continue to be consumed by petty grievances until the last Allahu akbar is said over her final resting place."

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Shit….she's been consumed by those since her parents gave her the wrong Barbie at age 10. Joan Cusack's character in "Addam's Family Values" I understand was based on Palin…or maybe in reverse? Everything about this woman screams fake…her smile, her hilariously dysfunctional family being "cleaned up good" for the cameras….about the only time we get to see what she's really like is her sour and mean looks people have pics of. Totally stereotypical of ex-beauty queens: dumb, lazy, high maintenance (bitchy too) and full of self delusion about how awesome they are, she does know how to get the inbred Jed's to come to the rescue when someone shines a light under the veneer though. Incidently, I can now in 2011 safely say I'd no longer hit that (even with the new bewbz she doesn't do it for me anymore….too much of a bitch)….feel the freedumz!

  6. SheriffRoscoe

    Sarah can't understand how the email "I hate this damn job" still exists. She deleted it, after all.

    1. Ancient_Hackery

      Ollie North was the same way. He and Fawn spent many a late night pressing DELETE on the old IBM Profs mail system. But somehow the e-mails survived!

      Note to self: Do not hire fanatical Marines or Journie-school slideouts for an IT position.

  7. nounverb911

    "Bailey is a former Alaska Airlines supervisor "
    Bailey sounds like he's good at finding lost baggage.

    1. Chris87654

      It sounds like more of a "confirmation" book. Interesting will be reading emails "in her own words" that she never expected would be made public (e.g. "I hate this job"). None of her requested emails have been released yet (supposed to be by May 31), but those will be filtered.

    2. AngryGeometer

      You're going to love his hard-hitting follow up, in which he drops the bombshell that Tila Tequila wasn't a virgin before marriage.

    3. UW8316154

      According to the Mudflats, the book was leaked by a rival author Joe McGinnis to weaken its marketability.

  8. Oblios_Cap

    "We set our sights and went after opponents in coordinated attacks, utilizing what we called "Fox News surrogates," friendly blogs, ghost-written op-eds, media opinion polls (that we often rigged), letters to editors, and carefully edited speeches," Bailey wrote.

    I'm SHOCKED -SHOCKED, I say, to read this sort of thing. Say it ain't so!

  9. Weenus299

    They're going to devote "words" to this accepted phenomenon? Can't you just put it all out on the Enquirer over a couple of weeks?

  10. Hatrabbit

    “Sarah Palin had God’s blessing and people’s love and faith”

    Wow. I bet God's rolling over in his grave now.

    1. Negropolis

      Maybe **crossing fingers** Qaddafi will hire her as one of his buxom bodyguard-nurses and rid of us this Sarah, Griftress of the North.

  11. fuflans

    frank bailey former airline employee looks and sounds like frank bailery former airline employee would not necessarily be susceptible to womanly charms.

  12. Dudleydidwrong

    Sarah, Sarah, Sarah: Just shut the fuck up! Crawl under a walrus or something. Move to Barrow and pitch a tent on the beach (great Mexican restaurant up there, BTW) and wait for global warming to turn it into Miami Beach North. But shut up.

  13. PublicLuxury

    Obviously, Sarah is a politician's' politician. She and she alone can save us from ourselves. Our last place-ness in the world, our 1st place in obesity, our constant need for a hamburge will alll be quelled by Sarah. Sarah will go down in greatness, much like Dick Nixon.

    You go girl!

      1. PublicLuxury

        I share everything. But you must admit HistoriCat that Dick Nixon was the ONE. He was everything I want Sarah to be. . . A disgraced criminal and maybe dead. . . I'm normally a nice person so I have a hard time wishing death on someone, but in this case, it is the only way she can 'live' up to my expectation. I'm sure you understand.

        May I refill your drink, perhaps some more meth, a quaalude, a line of coke?

        1. Lost_Teabaggers

          Looks like she did impress her after-work coctail upon you though….all you're missing is a gallon of Nyquil, some KY Lube and a match.

  14. weejee

    ♪♫ Won't you come home Frank Bailey, won't you come home
    Sarah moaned the whole night long
    She'll do the cookin', honey, She'll pay the rent
    She knows she done you wrong

    You remember that rainy evenin'
    She threw you out….with nothin' but an email tome
    Ya, she knows she's to blame, now… ain't it a shame
    Frank Bailey, won't you please come home ♫♪

  15. baconzgood

    So for the record I want to get this straight. Sarah Palin:
    Husband gets hand jobs from ugly "massage therapists"
    has a child that may or may not be hers
    spent 50K (?) on dresses
    Doesn't know the difference between N. and S. Korea
    Really CAN'T see Russia from her house
    Quit after 1/2 a term
    Is a real bitch
    Works for faux noose
    Can't say a single thing without putting her foot in her mouth
    Has a daughter with a baby out of wedlock.

    Am I missing anything else? Wouldn't the tea-baggers destroy her if she wasn't one of them?

    1. Redhead

      If by "wasn't one of them" you mean "wasn't white," then yes.

      How many teabaggers do you know who don't have some type of government assistance? (disability, unemployment, medicare, social security, etc) How many teabaggers do you know who are really protesting black people or brown people using up the medicare and unemployment and disability money they think they're entitled too?

  16. Steverino247

    "was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned"

    Call me when she's consumed by a pack of wolverines. THAT will be worth reading about.

  17. LittlePedro

    The worst part about this mediocre self-serving mediawhore is that she luuurves to talk about exceptionalism. The only thing she's exceptional at is selling books and speeches to her declining, ignorant wingnut base.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        OT – I missed the whole T meme when I actually had a life for a few days in a row couple of weeks ago.

        Could some kindly Wonketteer please explain that one to me, or provide a link-back to its origin?

        1. SorosBot

          It was a while back so finding the original might be tricky, but it was from Palin sending out a tweet that was simply "T", nothing more.

          1. jus_wonderin

            I think she got confused and texted the world instead of Tawd. She was saying he could see her T tonight but not her Y,

  18. horsedreamer_1

    I was hoping this was Stapleton's tell-all.

    Of course, I'm now glad it's not… So I can continue to believe it will be the death knell of the Heath-Palin kleptocracy.

  19. kittylittr

    The excellent blogger Mudflats is one of the co-authors of this book. And Bailey has tons of private emails from Sarah and her coven, er inner circle which this book will contain. And it appears that rival Sarahologist Joe McGinnis was involved in leaking this manuscript maliciously, which was supposed to kill it, I guess, because no one else, especially not someone with insider knowledge, should be allowed to publish a book before he can release his tome, illustrated with keyhole pics of Sarah grooming her beaver.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Well, thanks for the "inside Baseball" report on the competing Sarahchronicle-ers. Except that last bit; that was really gross.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Really? Sarah grooms herself? Well, if she's busy grooming her hoohah, it explains why the rest of her is so disheveled and skanky looking.

  20. Eve8Apples

    Terrible doesn't begin to describe the Wicked Witch of the North. She shoots dogs from a helicopter and sucks the soul from the mouths of defenseless fuzzy puppies. She is destined to be Hitler's roommate in hell.

  21. Chris87654

    Most notable, is this "tell all" really tells nothing new, but supports Sarah's current behaviour – it removes any doubt that she's a petty, vindictive poseur. It also implies all the hoopla and carrot-dangling about her running for president is bogus – she wants the attention of the tease, but has no intention of being president. Her fans will be crushed when she doesn't run – big questions are how long she'll keep them guessing, and what she'll say to decline running. I highly doubt she'll chance bruising her ego by entering the race – there's a good possibility she won't even get nominated, and she'd get shellacked in a general.

  22. jus_wonderin

    "If she didn’t like that job, she must be very happy she will never be president!"

    That is rich. I just love that!!!

  23. JustPixelz

    "If she didn’t like that job, she must be very happy she will never be president!"

    We're all happy about that. Well, maybe Ron Christie thinks she'd be a great POTUS. And the spudnutz industry would like to see her in office. And the would-be First Dude was hoping for some of those high-end D.C. massage therapies. But the rest of us are happy.

  24. Redhead

    "“Sarah Palin had a large supply of meth, which she was doling out (along with blow jobs) to anyone who took an oath to support her,” he wrote. "

    Fixed.

  25. Radiotherapy

    I hate my job too, but I don't complain about it in e-mails and, most importantly, at least I don't Quit.

  26. seppdecker

    Who's the audience for this book? The Quitter's legion of zombie-fans have been winnowed down to the hard core fanatics, people who could watch her hop on a snow machine, run over Jesus holding a baby seal and nod approvingly when she says, "He jumped in front of me. God's plan."

    The other 70% of us know she's a nasty fraud.

  27. EdFlintstone

    I think losing the beauty pageant to the only black woman in Alaska and losing the election to Obama really bothers her. I'm hoping Herman Cain outperforms her in the early primaries before she quits. Then she can fulfill her real destiny, as leader of skinhead compound somewhere in Idaho.

    1. Negropolis

      When she goes to prison, and she inevitably will (inshallah), I hope she's bunked up with some big, butchy black woman just 'cause.

  28. chascates

    And once, she slipped in those ridiculous high heels, cracked her skull, and 10,000 spiders ran out…."

  29. comrad_darkness

    Of course she's running. It's a two year free ride of attention whoring. It's exactly the one and only job she's qualified for.

  30. DemonicRage

    Display scorn now, but when Birther Majority elects her President for Life, your grand children will be composing book reports about this mighty work of reportage on their iPad Version 17.0.

    1. Negropolis

      Just the visual of a Birther Majority scares the fuck outta me. All I can see are labotomy scars and hoverounds for miles on end…

  31. Rotundo_

    Hasn't most of the world lost the capability to be amazed by the mean spirited ignorance of this woman? Reality lapped satire two weeks after Walnuts! tapped her for the job, and it has been whizzing around it steadily ever since. Cheating husband, talentless unwed mother posing as a poster child for chastity, ignorant andfoul-mouthed younger daughter, vindictive assholes all. Haven't heard anything shocking from this lot for a long damn time.

  32. glamourdammerung

    In before the teabaggers tells us about how Palin is "leftist plant" who is just there to make conservatives look bad.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    “I hate this damn job.”

    I'll bet she didn't hate it in February of 2008 when Alaska Magazine's cover proclaimed her "America's Hottest Governor."

  34. JackObin

    I have noticed of late a tendency of the populace to venerate dim-witted people. If all had gone according to plan, the Palin gal would have been laughed out of existsnce long ago. But on she goes, drooling and mumbling her way to stardom. Puzzling, troubling and perplexing.

    1. Negropolis

      But on she goes, drooling and mumbling her way to stardom.

      If it worked for Joan Rivers, it will work for her.

  35. VinnyThePooh

    "I hate this damn job."
    After Sarah discovered that most people outside Alaska speak in full, coherent sentences instead of bumper sticker clichés.

  36. Negropolis

    Sarah is an utter black hole of petty grievances. There is no slight too small for this woman. Usually, this kind of sociopath doesn't make it above a seat on the city council, a mayor, or a state legislature.

    Thanks, again, John McCain.

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