confederacy of dunces

Jefferson Davis To Be Re-Inaugurated As President of Confederacy Tomorrow

Finally a real president.It’s been over 146 years since the Confederacy ceased to exist. But it’s been exactly 150 years since Jefferson Davis was inaugurated president of the thing in Alabama, and, boy, doesn’t it seem like that latter one was just yesterday? Tomorrow, the Sons of Confederate Veterans (Sons? How old are they? 135?) are descending on the Alabama State Capitol in Montgomery to inaugurate a person dressed up as Jefferson Davis as the president of slavery, just like they did back then. Huzzah! It won’t be hard for them, because the state of Alabama is making way for this festive event to happen, and there’s even a bronze star on the steps of the Capitol where he was sworn in! Oh, and there’s a “pre-inauguration” event at the Embassy Suites tonight: “Kracker Dan will provide
the entertainment for the evening as the Division welcomes everyone to Montgomery!”

There’s no description of who will play Jefferson Davis, but we hope it’s a Jefferson Davis furry, and we hope there’s a lot of bondage. Slavery bondage.

Great formatting, btw:

Dress- re-enactors in uniforms in compliance with their unit’s rules.
Re-enactors escorting President Davis will be in Period appropriate uniform
Those marching with divisions or other groups may wear Confederate uniforms as well
Those not in uniform are asked to be appropriately dressed. Any clothing
(or message on clothing) that is deemed inappropriate by the organizer will be required to be
removed or the individual will not be allowed to march

Nobody attending this thing better wear brown skin! That’s anachronistic.

“A lot of people don’t keep up with history,” [“Cradle of the Confederacy” guy George Gayle] said. “We are an organization that honors our ancestors because we felt they were fighting for independence,” Gayle said. He hopes the younger generation “learns a little bit. All you hear about in the paper is that the Civil War is all about slavery.

Yes, keep up with history, because it turns out slavery is not a blight on the history of this country and humankind itself, it’s something to be proud of and to pretend still exists, even if it’s just for a few hours. [Confederate Heritage Rally via chascates/Montgomery Advertiser]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Barbara_i

    If this shit doesn't make you want to tear down your draperies and have your Mammy make you a new dress for the barbecue, I don't know what would. It's the Uncle Fuckers prom!

      1. Barbara_i

        You are correct, Chet!
        Don't these people remind you of someone who goes to the county dump and brings back more than what they took in?

  2. Sue4466

    Messages on clothes are forbidden. The awful message conveyed by this entire awful event is cleared for takeoff.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Only inappropriate messages. Does that mean I can't wear my new Wonkette "Don't Teabag On Me" shirt?

      I have one that says "Fuck all you fucking fucks"–would that work?

    1. Steverino247

      Yeah, Corporal Franklin Sourbeer of the 30th Pennsylvania was a bad motherfucker!

      [Edit: Seriously, he was. Severely wounded at 2nd Bull Run, discharged 11/62, returned as a militia captain during Lee's invasion of PA, then re-enlisted and was wounded taking Ft. Fisher, but survived that, too.]

    1. JustPixelz

      What can you say about a people who loved slavery and hated the United States so much? Well, let me take a crack at it. As capitalism, industrialization and commerce emerged in the North as America's economic future, they saw themselves as faithful to the nation's origins, unpolluted by Irish, German, Catholic immigration and those European ideas. Some things just never change.

    2. Rarian Rakista

      It would be nice if Wonkette could dig up some Confederate mass graves and sell us some commemorative cranial cups. Who is involved in the grave robbing division, because I have some business with Reagan's corpse I need to attend to.

  3. weejee

    The idea that the War of Northern Aggression Southern Slavery and Stupidity had little to do with slavery makes as much sense as WW II was fought to save GM & Ford from an invasion of Hondas and Beemers (that war came later and Ford and Jimmy lost).

    1. zhubajie

      Got treated relatively gently, too. In the so-called Mutiny, Britain chained prisoners to cannons' mouths and blew them to bits.

  4. Redhead

    Oh, Mr. KKK Grand Knight Gayle, you're SO right. The Civil War wasn't about slavery. It was about independence (to own slaves), states' rights (to own slaves), the southern economic system (based on and dependent on slaves), being rebels (against the people wanting to abolish slavery) and heritage (of owning slaves).

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, why'd you wanna celebrate this thing you lost so badly?

      "Ahm proud a muh heritage."

      Proud that you lost?

      "No. Proud that we stood'n fought."

      For slavery?

      "No! For State's Rights!"

      For states to have the right to say okey-dokey to owning slaves?

      "No, for … uh… State's Rights, dammit! Y'all git now."

    2. mumbly_joe

      One of the big problems with the "states rights" angles (amongst many, many others) are things like the Fugitive Slave Act (States' rights… to force other states to enforce your state's laws, even when runs directly counter to those other states' public policy?) and the Southern stances on the various disputes about expansion of slavery into the territories (States' rights to overrule other states' and territories' determinations as to their own public policy via federal court? After astroturfing the territory with out-of-staters fails to accomplish the same end?).

      Not to mention the fact that the Confederacy expressly enshrined slave ownership as an affirmative right, and prohibited member states from outlawing slavery- for SOME reason, there weren't too many people complaining about that particular obvious overrule of States' rights by some tyrranical federal government.

      Never let anyone claim that the Confederacy had anything to do with States' rights. The only time they claimed to care about States' rights was when that was the position that happened to coincide with their broader goal, of owning and using human beings like cattle.

      1. June_Cleaver2.0

        Seriously, that is a great idea. And OT, but whenever the teabaggers have their ranting rallys, the Dems should have Congress on Your Corner meetings across the nation. Every time.

    1. Flat_Earther

      In keeping with the Constitution they are looking for a small person to represent 3/5 of a Negro.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah they were fighting for independence — independence from the intrusive government that said they weren't allowed to deny independence to others. I'll have to fire up "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" when I get home just for this occasion.

    1. V572625694

      Never really understood what that song was about, and why, if it was about what I think it was about, Joan Baez sang it.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        It was mostly just about how much it sucked to be poor and miserable and on the losing side of a war. The war's end was inevitable well before April 1865, and everyone in the South was pretty much living on their knees for the last couple of years — but Jeff Davis and the Confederate congress had to fight to the bitter end, ensuring that more people would die, more diseases would spread, more starvation would stalk the land before they finally gave up. That's why "all the bells were ringing" when it finally happened — out of relief.

      2. James Michael Curley

        Although written by Robbie Robinson, a Canadian and first performed by The Band, it is one of those rarities, a modern folk song. Baez botched several of the lyrics because she recorded the song after a couple years listening to the album and did not use the sheet music. Incidentally, IT"S STONEMAN not Stonewall or 'so much cavalry'. George Stoneman was the commander of the first armed cavalry divisions elevating the cavalry above an operating unit in an infantry division, one of those pivotal events that changed the face of warfare.

          1. James Michael Curley

            I do that all the time Robinson/Robertson, Sampson/Samuelson, Jackson/Jefferson; my wife often reminds me that I spent the entire intermission at Lincoln Center talking to Brian Williams and calling him Brian Wilson.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      What I always found interesting is how the two best songs about the south in the Civil War, "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," and "Powder Finger" were both written by liberal Canadians.

        1. James Michael Curley

          I always placed "Southern Man" after the Civil War and "Powder Finger" during the rum running days in the Everglades during Prohibition.

  6. AngryBlakGuy

    …kinda makes you wonder why Germany doesnt do the same? I mean its a part of their heritage and all, its not a anti-semetic thing!

        1. lulzmonger

          … let alone Japan's "War Of Hawaiian Aggression."

          T3H M0AR U KN0W: A sizable minority of Americans after WW2 thought that helping Stalin to defeat Hitler was fighting on the wrong side.

          1. mavenmaven

            Oh, sorry, so the long standing German punk band Die Toten Hosen is going to play at anti-Nazi rallies in the former East Germany. On a similar note, an excellent band named Alarmsignal has an album called "Nazis nehmen uns die Arbeitsplätze weg", again, no one would dare call out the anti-immigrant right here in that manner.

          2. not that Dewey

            I saw Toten Hosen in (West) Berlin when I was an exchange student in '85. Still have my vinyl copy of "Opel Gang". Good times. And good on them for doing these rallies.

            The Tuscon band Calexico has been calling out anti-immigration groups for some time, both in song and in public activism. It's not much, I know…

      1. undeterredbyreality

        It's nice to know that we're not the only country going down the tubes of sanity. (The intertubes, no doubt.)

  7. gef05

    "there’s a “pre-inauguration” event at the Embassy Suites tonight"

    Hookers, blow, and hog jowls for everyone.

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, at least we can look forward to the reenactment of George Bush's inauguration 150 years ago, when the equivalent 'bagger will complain that "all you ever hear about is the torture, destabilizing world peace, and the monetary ruin he left the US in. But he did good things, like he once landed on an aircraft carrier, and he would walk his dog!"

    1. V572625694

      Technically, Chimpy was a passenger in a plane that someone else landed on an aircraft carrier. So even that was fake.

      1. JustPixelz

        Is this allegory? The pilot was Cheney. The aircraft carrier was the darkness of torture, war and fear. Landing is crashing. The "mission accomplished" banner was written on the tattered remains of American ideals. The codpiece was … well, I guess that's obvious.

  9. baconzgood

    I knew Alabama couldn't be out crazied by Wisconson, Arizona, or Mississippi this week. Thank's Alabama for proving my predictions right. "Like a God Damn physic"!

    1. Negropolis

      Don't worry; Mississippi is cooking up some crazy as we speak, and it's drenched in butter and fried in lard and put on a stick.

  10. Steverino247

    If slavery wasn't the reason, then why did every state that rebelled against the government put that reason in their official documentation of why they were leaving. The civil war was not fought so the residents of Vicksburg and Gettysburg would have employment opportunities in perpetuity, you know.

    There was also no such thing as a "Confederate States of America," only persons in revolt against the Federal government, so get your phony Jeff Davis outta here.

    Methinks there should be a new Federal holiday paid for by taxes levied upon the Sons of Cracker Sharecroppers Hoping to One Day Own Slaves Too, celebrating the end of slavery in the United States.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Or as Marx said, it plays out the first time as tragedy, the second time as comedy. In this case Dukes of Hazard type comedy.

  11. OneDollarJuana

    The new Civil War is coming. Just as WWI was the war to end all war, then we had to do it again, we are surely ramping up for the next War Between the States.

    Because America loves a sequel.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I am a graduate of Jefferson Davis High School in Montgomery. Honestly. I gotta tell you, it was pretty weird. It was the first public high school in Montgomery to be air conditioned, and it opened in 1968 in the whitest section of the city. Between the planning and the opening, however, school integration had happened, and there was a significant black student presence at Jeff Davis from the start. I had black and white classmates with the same somewhat-unusual surnames, and it was grotesquely obvious (but unacknowledged) that the family of one had owned the family of the other just a century earlier.

      The Episcopal church downtown where Jefferson Davis was a member is still the prestigious church to attend, although ironically an order of magnitude more liberal than the rest of the Baptist and Pentacostal and Nondenominational congregations in town. Well, "an order of magnitude" is an estimation, to be honest. Precise measurement is difficult way out on the extremes.

  12. harry_palmer

    The chaining up of fourteen year old girls so they can be raped at leisure is no big deal, but not allowing schizophrenics to have automatic weapons, that would be an infringement of our God-given rights. No wonder Beck's logic makes sense to them.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      These are the same folks who press for Billionaires to get massive tax cuts, but compare teachers and firemen with healthcare to the king of france.

      Not a bright bunch.

    2. Rarian Rakista

      14 year old girls you wish, I took a class from an anthropologist a few years back who does early American cemeteries when they have to move them and they find numerous both white and black female bodies of that age or younger with signs they either died in childbirth or shortly thereafter. Almost all in the South, rarest in the West. Utah has never allowed a single excavation.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Say what you will about her right-wing, quasi-fascist politics, but Alessandra Mussolini is smoking hot, or at least was in her modelling days. If only our right-wing quasi-fascist politicans had a looker or two in their midst, it might make the whole teabag party thing just a tad more bearable; instead, we have Bachmann and Palin.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It wasn't so much as he was using ladies clothes to hide from the Yankees, it's just what he had on at the time those rude Yankees showed up.

  13. memzilla

    Does the Republitard agenda of attempting to enslave America's hurtling-into-poverty-formerly-middle-class, into the thrall of Corporate America, count as "remembering history?" In the immortal words of H. Rap Brown, "We're all n*****s now."

  14. Blendergoathead

    For the sake of realism, I hope they had fat-people scooters and truck nutz back then.

    And then can we burn Montgomery to the fucking ground, also?

  15. MinAgain

    It's exactly this kind of inbred devotion to a landed aristocracy that built its wealth and power on the backs of an enslaved people that makes me want to slap a bitch. Especially a bitch in a hoop skirt.

    1. mereoblivion

      "Harlot O'Hula was not beautiful, but morons seldom realized it when tripped by her hoops as the Traitorton twins were."
      I think we've got the makings of a hit on our hands!

    2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      A few years back, the missus and I were in Mobile for something or other, and a troupe of hoop-skirted Azalea Trail Maids were appearing. They had slender waists, in fact, and there was an Azalea Trail Maid of Color among them, believe it or not. I didn't know what to feel about that. The other young ladies seemed to accept her, and she seemed happy and proud, but the incongruity was painful, at least for me.

      There was Charlie Pride in country music, and Tiger Wood in golf, so there are partial precedents. There isn't a black NASCAR star yet, is there?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Except for a few notable, and drunken, individuals, the South has always cornered the market on aggressive stupidity.

        1. V572625694

          Eudora Welty. Walker Percy.

          That's all I got. You can keep Sydney Lanier.

          Wait a minute, Hunter Thompson was from Louisville — does that count?

          1. dyedwool

            Both of my parents graduated from Lanier HS. Both extremely intelligent, and remarkably liberal-leaning people. Thank the Baby Jeebus.

  16. EdFlintstone

    On a side note, Morning Blow hit a new douchey low when Mike Barnicle played "devils advocate", defending the Nathan Bedford Forrest vanity licence plate. Eugene Robinson has to wonder why he goes on this show.

    1. doxastic

      If he didn't drop the n-bomb several times and end with a triumphant ball-scratch, Barnicle wasn't accurately portraying the devil in question.

    2. Negropolis

      Eugene goes on the show because he's just as middling and mushy as the rest of them, fucking Kermit-vocied motherfucker.

      I used to watch the show, or rather, have it one to drone in the background, and I can't even do that, anymore. They think they are all special because they play the "middle" when what they were are is just plain sad.

      All Joe ever talks about now is the entitlement "crisis" and he makes sure all of his guests agree with him…or else. And, he thinks that just because he's making liberals and conservatives angry that that somehow makes him special and right. Fuck him, and fuck Mika for nodding along at every goddamned thing he says like some catatonic hospital patient.

  17. AngryBlakGuy

    …maybe they could have Alan Keyes, Michael Steele and Herman Cain in "period appropriate uniforms" as well?!

          1. JustPixelz

            Ron Christie! Is there anything the Repubicans do that he won't defend? He is my strongest proof that if you're black and Repubican, you get to be on teevee.

    1. Negropolis

      Really, why don't they ever invite their best "black friends" to these type of things?

      Uncomfortable event is uncomfortable.

  18. jus_wonderin

    In between typing words (touch typing I might add, thank you Ms. Morrow) I am pounding my head on the desk. Only seems appropriate.

  19. FlownOver

    Dig up the original Jeff Davis, and have Zombie Reagan ("Government is the problem") swear him in. If competition is the solution to everything, why not have a competing government?

  20. Crank_Tango

    i wonder how much taxpayer money is going into this bullshit?

    Also, you lost assholes. maybe we should have let you go, but it's not too late. fuck off and die already.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    I assume the area in front of the capitol will be re-named "Tahrir Square" for the occasion. Given that their ancestors "were fighting for independence" and all.

  22. bureaucrap

    Remember, non-white persons — if you wish to participate in the parade, you must be in appropriate dress (shackles and chains) at all times. But don't get us wrong — you are MORE than welcome to participate in the festivities.

  23. smokefilledroommate

    Dress- ra-cists in uniforms in compliance with their unit’s rules.
    Ra-cists escorting President Davis will be in Period appropriate uniform

  24. Crank_Tango

    also, who needs to "keep up with history"? unless you keep revising it, there is nothing to keep up on.

  25. user-of-owls

    In 150 years, "Period appropriate uniform" will consist of lard-infused XXXXL t-shirts with Dont' Teard One Mee logos.

    Am I missing anything?

  26. MistaEko

    Any clothing (or message on clothing) that is deemed inappropriate by the organizer will be required to be removed or the individual will not be allowed to march

    Such as E Pluribus Unum?

    1. PristineODummy

      More likely, he'll be mistaken for a waiter and ordered to get bourbon and branch water for Haley. Or whoever's going to be Grand High PootBah of this show.

  27. baconzgood

    I sooo want to go down there and wear a t-shirt that a friend gave me which has written on it: "If you can read this you're NOT from Alabama".

    1. Barbara_i

      I want that shirt! I have many relatives in Mobile. My brother-in-law just emailed me to thank me for his b-day card and asked when I am coming for a visit? I just got back from Vegas. I don't go to Alabama on purpose.

  28. el_donaldo

    I say let them re-enact the inauguration if they agree to re-enact General Sherman's response by burning down their double-wides.

    1. sojournertruth

      This comment made me sign up on Wonkette for the first time! I say we re-enact Sherman's march to the sea, with real burning and bullets!

  29. Jukesgrrl

    Don't forget, folks, voluntary clean-up will be on Sunday … no fair expecting the ancestors of slaves to do it.

  30. BklynIlluminati

    No sir i have no intention of telling my children that it is ok to start a war to fight for the freedom to enslave other people.

      1. Negropolis

        In TOTAL agreement. The very reason we had another 100 years of segregation is because the nation lost the stomach to finish what they had started. This was one of the biggest negative consequences of the murder of Lincoln.

  31. horsedreamer_1

    From the picture, I see this Jefferson had the same taste in woman as the 3rd President Jefferson.

  32. MinAgain

    What most of the people who romaticize the AnteBellum South don't realize is that their dirt farmer ancestors would have had it only slighly better than the slaves. Not everyone lived in Tara. Someone had to live in the sharecropper shacks.

    1. samsuncle

      The plantation owners had the option of donating money "to the cause" in lieu of serving in the rebel army. Southern sharecroppers were executed as trators if they did not serve.

      1. V572625694

        Engh, you could buy your way out of the draft in the North, too. Didn't even need a note from your doctor, like El Rushbo.

    2. carlgt1

      it's the same moronic mentality that gets these descendants of white supremacists fired up about "socialism" & cutting benefits to the poor etc

  33. x111e7thst

    We need a national holiday in honor of William Tecumseh Sherman (may Allah's blessing be upon his name). Call it Marching Through Georgia Day.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Well, at one of the Summer Holiday cookouts one year, my brother peevishly said to the guests, "y'all went through my chicken like Grant through Richmond!!", so…

        (Actually he mistakenly said "like Grant through Georgia," but Google informs me that "like Grant through Richmond" and "like Sherman through Georgia" are pretty interchangeable, at least insofar as metaphorical barbecue pillage.)

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Quite the contrary — when Grant's troops got here from Petersburg, Richmond was on fire and the Federals helped put it out. Burned half the town down though.

  34. doxastic

    “Kracker Dan will provide the entertainment for the evening as the Division welcomes everyone to Montgomery!”
    And that was the moment the Confederacy stumbled into accidental self-awareness.

    1. memzilla

      I'm guessing these will be the same people whose parents welcomed Martin into Montgomery with fire hoses, baseball bats, and German Shepherds.

  35. SheriffRoscoe

    Chuck McMichael, past commander in chief of the SCV, who now lives in Blanchard, La., said Davis' inauguration "is an extremely important event of American history."

    "We think it is something worth commemorating," he said. "One thing about the SCV is that we (commemorate) all the time. But (with the Civil War), there is more historical significance over a wider range of time."

    High treason against a duly elected United States government deserves to be commemorated, and THESE are the guys you'll most likely find with patriotic, these-colors-don't-run American flag bumper stickers on their SUVs? wtf?

    1. V572625694

      ♪♫♪♬Sitting by the roadside, on a summer day
      Chatting with my mess mates, passing time away
      Lying in the shadows underneath the trees
      Goodness, how delicious! Eating goober peas!♪♫♪♬

      I learned that in elementary school for some reason, and can recall it from memory.

      1. undeterredbyreality

        "Peas, peas, peas, peas, eatin' goober peas." Learned it at my daddy's knee.

        Was that a southern thing?

        (How'd you make those music notes?)

        1. V572625694

          South side of Chicago, perhaps, where I grew up. It was in a grammar school songbook, I think.Here’s my secret stash of typographic toys:♪♫♪♬ ℠ ® © ™ ¶ § ¹ ² ³ √ ± ½ μ ≈ ≠∞ ä ¿ ¡ ö ñ ű ßáI just save them somewhere handy and paste in as required.

          1. James Michael Curley

            One rememberance from first grade which I didn't understand at the time; was my parents indignation and barely stiffled rage when they found out the first song in our 'Music Book' was "This Land is Your Land" b y that commie Woody Gutherie.

        2. Barbara_i

          I believe it was a southern thing. I moved to Hendersonville, Tennessee when I was 10 and that was the first time I heard it.

      1. Barbara_i

        A lot of them died from the horrible medical facilities and how the amputations were done. Post-op infection wiped out a great deal of them.

  36. natoslug

    I don't know how long they'll let the comments stand, but commenter registration isn't too onerous over at the montgomeryadvertiser, if anyone's interested in posting anything to rile up the trigs.

    [edit: Really? The writer's name is Kym Klass? Who wants to bet a can of hobo beans her middle name is either Karyn of Kathryn?]

  37. Weenus299

    As a former reenactor, let me note just how fucking queer this is. The period is 1861. By that time, in Montgomery, AL, there would have been very few army uniforms. More than likely Alabama militia uniforms, that would've been freakishly different, full of reds and yellows and shakos and sabers and all.

    The whole thing is just an excuse. It's not depicting an actual event, but pronouncing a modern ideology onto an event that in all likelihood went unnoticed by more than a few hundred people.

    Long thing shorter, shit is just fucked up.

      1. Weenus299

        and bottled spirits. I must say I expelled from within my person copious amounts of period vomit by around midnight.

  38. prommie

    We really really really have to start celebrating "Appomatox Day" here in the North, with General Lee Pinatas that you get to chop up with his own sword. There should be a gigantic triumphal procession down 5th avenue like the ones the Roman Generals would get after a victory, thousands of barefoot confederates in chains should be marched down the street and the crowd will throw rottin fruit at them. We can erect giant statues of Sherman and Grant, as big as the statue of liberty, standing triumphant on the field of battle, with their foot firmly on the neck of some whimpering, surrendering traitor.

    Its just our heritage, not hate. Our heritage of invading the South, whipping its ass thoroughly, burning it down, raping its women (ever since those southern girls have been dick-crazy, too, they have some ridiculously slutty women down there, and so so so hypocritical, they take you to church when you wake up Sunday Morning) and freeing its slaves. And laughing our asses of at their ignorant backward hick asses, repeatedly, for 146 years now. Becuase, you know it, we all know it, we are superior, in every way, to those pigfucking hicks.

      1. prommie

        The South is a fucking "society" (if you can call it that) that has been festering in the stew of its bellicose self-pity and raging inferiority complex, a stew cooked up in the dank swamp of its own navel, for 146 years now.

        Don't they-all ever think maybe its time to GET THE MOTHER-FUCK OVER IT?

        1. zhubajie

          There were several BIG civil wars/rebellions in 1860s China, including Yunnan, where I live. No one gets all worked up about them, these days.

    1. TheSheriffsNear

      Just a lovely, lovely vision you painted there, Prom. I'd actually make the effort to donate and participate if someone organized what you describe.

      My whole family is from Mississippi – Free State of Jones, represent! – and I have no patience with my cousins who fetishize the confederacy or even our "courageous veteran ancestors". (Mine died at Vicksburg – gloriously shitting his life away while writing pathetic letters home begging his wife to find the money to hire a substitute. )

      They were a bunch of dupes, just like the ignorantly self-righteous tea baggers are today.

      They didn't get nearly enough curb-stomping after the war.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        Pinchy went and left us, like we were some over-used scraggly shriveled toothless inbred sister-wife. I, for one, am happy to see him return to give us some of his good luvvin'.

        1. El Pinche

          Thanks Sheriff. Yes, I had my fill riding my sister-wife on my ATV through Appalachia (although toothlessness has its advantages, HEYOOOHH).

          1. DoktorZoom

            Dude, we were just wondering where you went! (See last night's rambling thread re: Wisconsin runaway Dems)

  39. genxr

    Someone needs to show up in an Abraham Lincoln costume, walk up on stage, and take a leak on the podium.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    “A lot of people don’t keep up with history…"

    Apparently, for some people in the South, history just plain STOPPED.

  41. Chet Kincaid

    These fucking people with their "it weren't about slavery, but slavery was nowhere near as bad as that 'Roots' made it look!" are like the fucking Holocaust Deniers with their "Hitler didn't kill all those Jews, even though you're better off not havin' any."

    1. GOPCrusher

      I like the ones that use the excuse "African tribes used to enslave each other and they treated their slaves way worse than they were ever treated here."
      The stupid. It burns.

    2. samsuncle

      Twelve Years A Slave by Solomon North is a good source for information on how slaves were treated in Louisiana. He worked on plantations about 30 miles from where I live and every time I cross a bayou or pass by a plantation mentioned in his book he comes to mind. Interesting note, some of the decendents of slave owners that he mentions in his book still farm in that area.

  42. SheriffRoscoe

    There won't be another Civil War. Know how I know? Because we're just gonna let 'em leave next time. We might even pack them all a lunch and warn them to keep to the sidewalks, watch for cars etc…..

  43. thefrontpage

    From the official invitation:

    "Please join us after the racist inauguration for a nice communal historical cross-burning and barbeque at the home of Imperial Wizard John Peter Dick Whiteman, Bigot Lane, Prejudice Village. Sheets and guns will be provided! BYOM (Bring Your Own Moonshine.) Depending on what occurs, there could be a mock lynching (not a real one!). Donations are accepted."

  44. jus_wonderin

    Someone, I don't care who, be sure to check Craigslist during the event. There should be quite a few hilarious postings with this crowd. Keyword: slave.

  45. GeneralLerong

    Are we allowed by our Constitution to sell off an entire state to China? OK, you're right, why would the Chinese even want Alabama. So how about Somalia? Pirates of the Gulf, yeah!

  46. lochnessmonster

    "Those not in uniform are asked to be appropriately dressed. Any clothing
    (or message on clothing) that is deemed inappropriate by the organizer will be required to be removed or the individual will not be allowed to march"

    Are they SURE they want ppl to remove their clothing? Do they know what most ppl look like without the camouflage of pants, shirts, dresses, etc?

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Remember that in 1865 Jefferson Davis was wearing a dress when captured. Consider that when defining "appropriately dressed" .

  47. JackObin

    I will be attending, dressed as W.T. Sherman. There won't be one of those dumb motherfuckers left standing.

      1. Barbara_i

        Very nicely done, Chet and Flown. I just got my Steely Dan newsletter and they would be proud of you.

  48. x111e7thst

    All I ever needed to know about the secessionist traitors to the south I learned from their "Constitution":
    4. No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed.

  49. Chet Kincaid

    And, tangentially topical, why the hell would you call your MOR country band "Lady Antebellum"? Their explanation (they were taking pictures of old plantations) is kind of lame, though in the spirit of historical whitewashing. At least have some irony about it and call yourselves "Belle Reve" or something.*

    Anyways, I'm holding auditions for my new band "The Peculiar Institution" this weekend, so bring your fiddles!

    *And as soon as I type that, I look it up on Google, and they're actually a hipster Oklahoma band.

    EDIT: Oh fuck, and there's a "Peculiar Institution" hipster jazz-rock band in Milwaukee. All the bad band names are taken!

    1. SorosBot

      And that shitty group which I hate knowing exists is two guys and one girl – so one word's offensive, the other just plain wrong.

  50. aqua_buddha

    In Europe they also have this thing, where peevish children of the big losers in the last big war have a club, and peevishly pretend they're about something other than regimented Hate.

    They're called neo-nazi over there, but don't let that slow you down, slave-state nostalgists….
    Have fun at the big Klan Bake Clam Bake, you kids.

  51. zhubajie

    On the other hand, lots of Germans and Norwegians immigrated specifically to join the Union Army and fight slavery. Wisconsin had whole ethnic regiments.

  52. undeterredbyreality

    Needs some Randy Newman:

    In America, you'll have food to eat,
    Won't have to run through the jungle and scuff up your feet,
    You'll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day,
    It's great to be an American.

    1. DoktorZoom

      We talk real funny down here
      We drink too much and we laugh too loud
      We're too dumb to make it no Northern town
      We keepin' the niggers down

      We got no-necked oilmen from Texas
      And good ol' boys from Tennessee
      And college men from L.S.U.
      Went in dumb, come out dumb too

      Hustlin' 'round Atlanta in their alligator shoes
      Gettin' drunk every weekend at the barbecues
      We keepin' the niggers down

      We're rednecks, we're rednecks
      We don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
      We're rednecks, we're rednecks
      We keepin' the niggers down

  53. DrunkIrishman

    Have you ever seen such a collection of pathetic souls celebrate their loser history more than the South – well besides Cubs fans?

  54. AngryBlakGuy

    …just a heads up; they don't care about facts(probably never will)! Which means history means nothing to them!!!

  55. Negropolis

    I wish on very rare occassions I lived in states like these, just so I could show up at events like these to see what kind of reaction I'd get. I'd be all up in the front row and shit trying to get these speakers and re-enactors to make eye contact with me, and just generally being a fool, such as cheering at inopportune and inappropriate times and just generally making people uncomfortable for their hate and delusion. Hell, might even find some chains and run up on stage begging for the mercy and leniency of this one Jefferson Davis fellow…

    Earnest, old-timey racism is the best kind of racism, no?

  56. Negropolis

    Ah, remember when the young biddies and their bastard children and the man the biddy believed to be the father used to bring picnic baskets to public lynchings? Oh, those were the good, ole days, when everyone knew their place…

  57. bflrtsplk

    Simply amazing how far people will go to be offensive for the sake of drawing attention to themselves. Yeah, they love Uhmericuh, about as much as I love getting a prostate exam.


    The Jeff Davis-Gate caper is a reminder of how high up on the Hog the Confederates were riding. A nudge and a wink is all that's necessary for this historic recreation to succeed. The Mint juleps will star ,served by a confused, shufflin' obsequious, house (n- word), who will wait only on our approval before he can withdraw to his charming little home to feed the kitchen hogs and light his corncob pipe. The Actual Jeff Davis swearing in is not for his delicate hearing so he and his woman will remain in their cozy home until needed at the evening service.

  59. worrierqueen

    Such a shame they didn't win the Civil war. If they did they would now be New New Mexico and the North would be the leader of the free world, the happiest land of them all.

  60. MrFizzy

    Everything south of Alexandria should be allowed to secede, then they'd get back a dollar in federal benefits for every dollar they put in, instead of three.

  61. SayItWithWookies

    Aw, I was hoping you were the real Neilist, but he'd have something funnier to say than just name calling. Also the real Neilist would know the South's last hope was Gettysburg, after which Lee was outnumbered and undersupplied without possibility of his position improving. Lincoln was worried about re-election because of the cost and duration of the war also. Anyway, next time if you can't be right at least be funny.

Comments are closed.