Yeah, the Federal Government Is Going To Shut Down Forever

by Jack Stuef

A high-ranking aide to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) told Democratic chiefs of staff that a government shutdown is more likely than not, according to attendees.

Speaking at a regular meeting of the top aides to House Democrats, Pelosi’s floor director, Jerry Hartz, offered up, unprompted, his assessment that the odds favor inaction before the government runs out of money, sources said.

Yeah, there’s never going to be a budget, and thus a federal government, ever again. It was a nice run, United States of America, but it just became too hard to reach consensus when both sides were pretty sure the other was a bunch of Nazis. What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis. [Politico]


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MittsHairHelmet February 18, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Let's just cut out the middle man and let the biggest corporations officially take over.

God Bless (Bank of) America.

cheaphits February 18, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Corporations iz people too – The Supremes have ruled.

Power to the People, Uber Alles!

OzoneTom February 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Wait — if corporations are people does that mean that a corporation buying another corporation is illegal? I mean don't most states above the Mason-Dixon line recognize the 13th amendment?

Barbara_i February 18, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Wonder if there is going to be a clearance sale? Hurry in before everything is Pentagone!

DashboardBuddha February 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

You want tanks? We got tanks! Flamethrowers, hand grenades, machine guns too! Be the first on your block to be the last on your block. Don't Delay!

Cash or checks only. No credit cards.

LionelHutzEsq February 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm

With a fiscal policy this crazy, everything must go!!!

bflrtsplk February 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

How much for that B-2 bomber over there?

DashboardBuddha February 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Make me an offer. As Lionel said, "everything must go!!"

superdave February 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm

We're shutting down? Then can someone give me a job? Will do science for food.

MrsBiggTime February 18, 2011 at 3:14 pm

If you can "Do science" in your offtime, fine. Right now Applebee's needs servers, Mars needs women, and Boehner needs another drink.

Negropolis February 19, 2011 at 2:34 am

I don't know why I'm laughing so hard, but I am.

Crank_Tango February 18, 2011 at 5:14 pm

breaking bad ftw.

"let's cook."

SexySmurf February 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm

If the Federal government shuts down will we even notice?

V572625694 February 18, 2011 at 4:31 pm

If the airplanes can't land because the ATCs don't get paid, and Soshecurity checks don't come, and the banks can't process checks anyway because the Federal Reserve is closed, and the Olds and Poors can't go to the doctor because Medicare and Medicaid can't reimburse the docs, then yes, we will notice.

But the good news the drugs will flow in from Mexico unhindered by ICE! Yay!

BarryOPotter February 18, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Not only will you notice, but maybe you'll come to love and respect your federal bureaucrats. Because that's all they want. They never meant to cause you any sorrow or any pain, but rather they only wanted to one time see you laughing in the purple rain. After your application forms are approved, of course…

Troubledog February 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm

No more free scooters.

lochnessmonster February 18, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Now you've done it! they tea bagger wing nuts will be storming the Capitol

elviouslyqueer February 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Oh fuck it, let's do a wholesale liquidation. I'm sure China could do something useful with Arkansas, Texas, Florida, and Alabama, and we'll let Kiribati take care of the rest.

horsedreamer_1 February 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Should Tuvalu, with its dot-TV web suffix, get the trannies or the couch potatoes?

SorosBot February 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Boehner remembers how well the shutdown improved Gingrich's popularity and wants to repeat it.

V572625694 February 18, 2011 at 4:32 pm

If Fox shut down, that would eliminate Gingrich's platform and he would cease to exist. Can we shut down Murdoch instead of the government? They could still keep those purdy blonde ladies on the teevee, though.

nounverb911 February 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Lets not forget Boehner's little "Read My Lips" episode yesterday.

Crank_Tango February 18, 2011 at 5:15 pm

maybe that's why he has wife eyes all the time.

Radiotherapy February 18, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Yeah, but they are STUPID Nazis.

Giveusabob February 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I really wasn't thrilled about filing my 1040 this year anyway. Glad to read the Feds feel the same about that.

V572625694 February 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Don't worry. The government already has your money from last year. There might be a bit of a problem if you were expecting to get any back, though.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 18, 2011 at 3:32 pm

All those stupid teatard States are going to have to suck it up, bigtime, when they don't have the Federal monies coming in anymore to support their fat, freeloading asses.

PublicLuxury February 18, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Actually the teatard states are usually the ones that suck up most of the freebies.

Negropolis February 19, 2011 at 2:36 am

That's what he/she said.

glamourdammerung February 19, 2011 at 9:02 pm

You left out "welfare queen" in your description of the teatarded states.

MinAgain February 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Oh, please. Real Nazis would have invaded Canada by now.

emmelemm February 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm


(Did I spell that right?)

Redhead February 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm

On the one hand, it would give the repugnicants less government, less regulation, less oversight on their companies, fewer enforcement agencies making sure they mind those pesky child labor laws, anti-discrimination laws, etc.

On the other hand, it would give them less power, less control and less TV time. Decisions, decisions.

Maman February 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Boehner knows… When you have a winning strategy, you want to use it.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 18, 2011 at 3:38 pm

“Yeah, the Federal Government Is Going To Shut Down Forever”
Libertarian wetdream.

BarryOPotter February 18, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Libertarian wetdream

…until shit gets real and it falls on them to handle all the shit they take for granted. But you know how it is, haters gonna hate… (and so am I!)

horsedreamer_1 February 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm


SorosBot February 18, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Like how, despite being a city employee, Ron Swanson celebrated when Pawnee's government was shut down.

SayItWithWookies February 18, 2011 at 3:39 pm

If John Boehner has to destroy America in order to save it, then he says so be it. And he can cut some costs by eliminating the "save it" part of that equation.

Troubledog February 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm

How many jobs does this attempt to defund Planned Parenthood create? Also.

SayItWithWookies February 18, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Considering that it eleminates jobs and creates people, it's a long-term job-killer.

KochFembot February 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Republicans can only worry about jobs when someone is talking about taxing or regulating their corporate masters. Because, you know, spewing less pollution is a job killer!

nounverb911 February 18, 2011 at 4:29 pm

But Boehner isn't qualified to be a garbage man in Galt's Gulch, how will he ever survive?

V572625694 February 18, 2011 at 4:35 pm

So be it, sayeth The Orange One.

LionelHutzEsq February 18, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Thank God they are shutting down the Government, as now no one will get their hands on the 'bagger's Medicare and Social Security Checks.

BarryOPotter February 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm

When those checks don't show up, tune into Glenn Puffy McBecklesworth's magic chalk boards to get the real reason the checks are late…, and Sasha's allowance just tripled!

Beetagger February 18, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I'll miss the national parks, but not the internment camps.

karen February 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm

YESSSSS! Y'know, I'm a lot like George Carlin. I like it when bad things happen, and when things break down. When the stock market plunged, I was watching and cheering that shit right on. Our culture is morally bankrupt, and really the people are too. Watching it crash and burn is exciting.

Living in America gives me a front row seat to the Circus, so pass those sodium and butter laced popcorn bags with a large cup of carbonated formaldehyde and get the fuck on with the show!

fuflans February 18, 2011 at 4:19 pm

great, now i have to go make popcorn.

with lots of butter.

Troubledog February 18, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Somebody has to make a stand. Why wouldn't the people of Wisconsin do some penance for being the wellspring of damaging assholes like Joseph McCarthy and Paul "The Hammock Taker" Ryan?

So hey, Cheesehead brothers and sisters! Get out there and strap some bread on your head and wave to us from a tank when they unleash the National Guard on you.

Maybe people are fed up with being pushed around by these assholes. I know I am.

Crank_Tango February 18, 2011 at 5:18 pm

especially since there are like twelve of them and they are old and fat.

LionelHutzEsq February 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm

What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis.

Not possible, as the Nazi's had style.

BarryOPotter February 18, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Gibson Les Paul-topia! *KRANG!* *CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!*

V572625694 February 18, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I'd prefer a Martin D40 state, thank you very much.

BarryOPotter February 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

The Martin D40 is a fine choice, indeed.

OK then, here's the plan: you stick it to the man with an acoustic version of Peace Train while I brain him with a hefty chunk of solid mahogany and glass him with busted mother of pearl inlays…

♫You say you want a revolution, well you know..♫

MissTaken February 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Federal Government shut down? Yippee! I guess this means that we'll finally get our asses out of Afghanistan and Iraq, and shut down Gitmo…woo hoo!!

Oh wait, I bet this only means "non-essential" stuff like education and food for people too poor to buy hobo beans. Ugh.

PabaBritannica February 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

yeah, not going to say what i do but i do know i've been told i'll be working regardless.

finallyhappy February 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

yes, that would be good because today I saw a young kid, double amputee, with a scar on his head. Around here, 2 miles from Walter Reed, I see wounded vets on a regular basis unlike our politicians who make an annual visit to the hospital and then fund the war again.

emberglance February 18, 2011 at 4:12 pm

if only there were some word for an anti-utopia…

SmutBoffin February 18, 2011 at 4:28 pm


Crank_Tango February 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm

utopia goes up, dystopia goes down, you can't explain it.

SmutBoffin February 18, 2011 at 5:42 pm


nounverb911 February 18, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Just as long as they shut down the FAA so that everyone of those idiots will be stuck in DC for the duration.

fuflans February 18, 2011 at 4:22 pm

i hope they're all considering what happens to a bagger without a scooter.

jus_wonderin February 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm

People say "government shutdown" like it's a bad thing.

kittenbomb February 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Yeah, I thought "shut it down" was a good thing. Like "Hey how was the club tonight?" "Fantastic, we shut it down!" I can't keep up with these kids and their jargon…

Slim_Pickins February 18, 2011 at 4:31 pm

If the government shuts down, the terrorists win.

bagofmice February 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

They're taking the government on strike? Those unpatriotic bastards!

Boredw/Gravity February 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

If the government shuts down, who gets to have the sexytime with the intern this go-round? And will Riley agree?

billy_reuben February 19, 2011 at 7:42 am

Riley's consent will neither be requested, nor required. Sorry there, sport…

freakishlywrong February 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

There's not a handbasket big enough for these assholes.

PublicLuxury February 18, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Does this have ANYTHING to do with a brown person being in the WHITE house and a brown wannabe is in control of the BROWN house?

chascates February 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

And once all the states declare bankruptcy to screw their public employees' pension funds we can all start fresh, just like a big, fancy corporation would.

Grief_Lessons February 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Federal Government!

Callyson February 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

If the Federal government shuts down, does that mean Congress does not get paid?
OK, I thought that idea was too good to be true. But I'll settle for Congress shutting *up*, at least this particular Congress…

GOPCrusher February 18, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Wonder how long it will take for the Chinese Finance Company to show up and start repossessing the furniture.

PabaBritannica February 18, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I'm transferring to Guam and beginning a movement to sell Guam back to Japan.

Universal health care and panties in vending machines for all!

sweetcommunist February 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm

But before they shut down forever, they'd at least like to strip all funding from Planned Parenthood. Priorities!

Limeylizzie February 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Nazis???? * Sticks hands down knickers and gets busy*

Angry_Marmot February 22, 2011 at 5:48 am

Diddling while Rome burns?

mavenmaven February 18, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Nazis nehmen uns die Arbeitsplätze weg!

Iam_Who_Iam February 19, 2011 at 12:10 am

Alle zurück in die schüttung!

(Ich spreche kein Deutsch. Nahe genug?)

JustPixelz February 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Oh the delicious irony of Tea Party in at the start and at the end.

glamourdammerung February 18, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Where are these jobs that the Republicans campaigned on creating?

PristineODummy February 18, 2011 at 11:14 pm

I just hope that's not Mel_Gibsonian.

mumbly_joe February 18, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Wait, I know this one! A government shutdown which causes America to default on its debt, precipitating a worldwide economic meltdown… is good news for Republicans? Because they're the party of fiscal responsibility, and totally not of being willing to destroy America and the planet because of politics, and also of straight-up magical thinking when it comes to the question of appropriate economic policies when in the middle of what will eventually be called the Second Depression.

Negropolis February 19, 2011 at 2:32 am

I said it elsewhere, but this nation is paralyzed. It's completely ungovernable. And, Obama is talking about winning the future? If even we had no paralysis, we'd be playing catch-up for years if not decades with how far we've been set back.

This reminds me about why I'm so pissed about our majorities, last session.

mrblifil February 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Boehner could not give a shit. The end.

iburl February 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm

So be it.

donner_froh February 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Well, if there is a government shutdown then I won't have to bother with smashing the state. It will already have smashed itself.

With half the work done, all that will be left to accomplish is to Build Socialism.

Next step: People's Democratic Republic although there will be a pause to string up bankers from the lamp posts.

Jukesgrrl February 19, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Wait til someone tells my mother she actually has to PAY her doctor! You think Muslim terrorists are scary …

SorosBot February 20, 2011 at 11:06 am

She could always just bring a chicken to pay him.

LetUsBray February 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I'm guessing our Mr. Stuef meant the title of his post to be sarcastic, but it looks a little too on the nose to me. I don't believe this will be a repeat of the mid-'90s shut down, mainly because I think the current Rethuglicans would genuinely prefer to see the federal government undergo a Soviet-style collapse than go on living in a country where they can't make everybody live according to their horrible, horrible precepts.

And as much as I like the prez, I don't see where he's prepared to be the Lincolnesque ruthless bastard required to keep it from happening. One alternative that I can see unfortunately is the Democrats caving; it's anyone's guess which would be worse.

If someone show me where I'm full of it and needlessly worrying (as I am prone to do), I would be grateful.

iburl February 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

They are not Nazis, just mostly fascists and assorted fascist dupes. Nazis wear swastikas.

MiniMencken February 20, 2011 at 2:46 am

Yes, of course, nothing says "It's morning in America" more than shutting down the Federal government. Having been working abroad when this was done under Newt "Not Really an Amphibian" Gingrich in 1995, I must say it really impresses all of the other countries in world with what a powerhouse the USA is when the embassies and consulates close down due to a lack of funding. Soon enough, though, the military bases will be shutting down and the Pax Americana will be over. A shame, really. Or not…

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hagajim February 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

"What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis shills for their corrporate overlords – there, fixed.

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