Yeah, the Federal Government Is Going To Shut Down Forever

  clinton come back and mess around with some interns and fix this

A high-ranking aide to Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) told Democratic chiefs of staff that a government shutdown is more likely than not, according to attendees.

Speaking at a regular meeting of the top aides to House Democrats, Pelosi’s floor director, Jerry Hartz, offered up, unprompted, his assessment that the odds favor inaction before the government runs out of money, sources said.

Yeah, there’s never going to be a budget, and thus a federal government, ever again. It was a nice run, United States of America, but it just became too hard to reach consensus when both sides were pretty sure the other was a bunch of Nazis. What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis. [Politico]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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97 comments

  1. MittsHairHelmet

    Let's just cut out the middle man and let the biggest corporations officially take over.

    God Bless (Bank of) America.

      1. OzoneTom

        Wait — if corporations are people does that mean that a corporation buying another corporation is illegal? I mean don't most states above the Mason-Dixon line recognize the 13th amendment?

    1. DashboardBuddha

      You want tanks? We got tanks! Flamethrowers, hand grenades, machine guns too! Be the first on your block to be the last on your block. Don't Delay!

      Cash or checks only. No credit cards.

    1. MrsBiggTime

      If you can "Do science" in your offtime, fine. Right now Applebee's needs servers, Mars needs women, and Boehner needs another drink.

    1. V572625694

      If the airplanes can't land because the ATCs don't get paid, and Soshecurity checks don't come, and the banks can't process checks anyway because the Federal Reserve is closed, and the Olds and Poors can't go to the doctor because Medicare and Medicaid can't reimburse the docs, then yes, we will notice.

      But the good news the drugs will flow in from Mexico unhindered by ICE! Yay!

    2. BarryOPotter

      Not only will you notice, but maybe you'll come to love and respect your federal bureaucrats. Because that's all they want. They never meant to cause you any sorrow or any pain, but rather they only wanted to one time see you laughing in the purple rain. After your application forms are approved, of course…

  2. elviouslyqueer

    Oh fuck it, let's do a wholesale liquidation. I'm sure China could do something useful with Arkansas, Texas, Florida, and Alabama, and we'll let Kiribati take care of the rest.

    1. V572625694

      If Fox shut down, that would eliminate Gingrich's platform and he would cease to exist. Can we shut down Murdoch instead of the government? They could still keep those purdy blonde ladies on the teevee, though.

  3. Giveusabob

    I really wasn't thrilled about filing my 1040 this year anyway. Glad to read the Feds feel the same about that.

    1. V572625694

      Don't worry. The government already has your money from last year. There might be a bit of a problem if you were expecting to get any back, though.

  4. Redhead

    On the one hand, it would give the repugnicants less government, less regulation, less oversight on their companies, fewer enforcement agencies making sure they mind those pesky child labor laws, anti-discrimination laws, etc.

    On the other hand, it would give them less power, less control and less TV time. Decisions, decisions.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Libertarian wetdream

      …until shit gets real and it falls on them to handle all the shit they take for granted. But you know how it is, haters gonna hate… (and so am I!)

    2. SorosBot

      Like how, despite being a city employee, Ron Swanson celebrated when Pawnee's government was shut down.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    If John Boehner has to destroy America in order to save it, then he says so be it. And he can cut some costs by eliminating the "save it" part of that equation.

      1. KochFembot

        Republicans can only worry about jobs when someone is talking about taxing or regulating their corporate masters. Because, you know, spewing less pollution is a job killer!

  6. LionelHutzEsq

    Thank God they are shutting down the Government, as now no one will get their hands on the 'bagger's Medicare and Social Security Checks.

    1. BarryOPotter

      When those checks don't show up, tune into Glenn Puffy McBecklesworth's magic chalk boards to get the real reason the checks are late…, and Sasha's allowance just tripled!

  7. karen

    YESSSSS! Y'know, I'm a lot like George Carlin. I like it when bad things happen, and when things break down. When the stock market plunged, I was watching and cheering that shit right on. Our culture is morally bankrupt, and really the people are too. Watching it crash and burn is exciting.

    Living in America gives me a front row seat to the Circus, so pass those sodium and butter laced popcorn bags with a large cup of carbonated formaldehyde and get the fuck on with the show!

    1. Troubledog

      Somebody has to make a stand. Why wouldn't the people of Wisconsin do some penance for being the wellspring of damaging assholes like Joseph McCarthy and Paul "The Hammock Taker" Ryan?

      So hey, Cheesehead brothers and sisters! Get out there and strap some bread on your head and wave to us from a tank when they unleash the National Guard on you.

      Maybe people are fed up with being pushed around by these assholes. I know I am.

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis.

    Not possible, as the Nazi's had style.

      1. BarryOPotter

        The Martin D40 is a fine choice, indeed.

        OK then, here's the plan: you stick it to the man with an acoustic version of Peace Train while I brain him with a hefty chunk of solid mahogany and glass him with busted mother of pearl inlays…

        ♫You say you want a revolution, well you know..♫

  9. MissTaken

    Federal Government shut down? Yippee! I guess this means that we'll finally get our asses out of Afghanistan and Iraq, and shut down Gitmo…woo hoo!!

    Oh wait, I bet this only means "non-essential" stuff like education and food for people too poor to buy hobo beans. Ugh.

    1. finallyhappy

      yes, that would be good because today I saw a young kid, double amputee, with a scar on his head. Around here, 2 miles from Walter Reed, I see wounded vets on a regular basis unlike our politicians who make an annual visit to the hospital and then fund the war again.

  10. nounverb911

    Just as long as they shut down the FAA so that everyone of those idiots will be stuck in DC for the duration.

    1. kittenbomb

      Yeah, I thought "shut it down" was a good thing. Like "Hey how was the club tonight?" "Fantastic, we shut it down!" I can't keep up with these kids and their jargon…

  11. Boredw/Gravity

    If the government shuts down, who gets to have the sexytime with the intern this go-round? And will Riley agree?

  12. PublicLuxury

    Does this have ANYTHING to do with a brown person being in the WHITE house and a brown wannabe is in control of the BROWN house?

  13. chascates

    And once all the states declare bankruptcy to screw their public employees' pension funds we can all start fresh, just like a big, fancy corporation would.

  14. Callyson

    If the Federal government shuts down, does that mean Congress does not get paid?
    OK, I thought that idea was too good to be true. But I'll settle for Congress shutting *up*, at least this particular Congress…

  15. GOPCrusher

    Wonder how long it will take for the Chinese Finance Company to show up and start repossessing the furniture.

  16. PabaBritannica

    I'm transferring to Guam and beginning a movement to sell Guam back to Japan.

    Universal health care and panties in vending machines for all!

  17. mumbly_joe

    Wait, I know this one! A government shutdown which causes America to default on its debt, precipitating a worldwide economic meltdown… is good news for Republicans? Because they're the party of fiscal responsibility, and totally not of being willing to destroy America and the planet because of politics, and also of straight-up magical thinking when it comes to the question of appropriate economic policies when in the middle of what will eventually be called the Second Depression.

  18. Negropolis

    I said it elsewhere, but this nation is paralyzed. It's completely ungovernable. And, Obama is talking about winning the future? If even we had no paralysis, we'd be playing catch-up for years if not decades with how far we've been set back.

    This reminds me about why I'm so pissed about our majorities, last session.

  19. donner_froh

    Well, if there is a government shutdown then I won't have to bother with smashing the state. It will already have smashed itself.

    With half the work done, all that will be left to accomplish is to Build Socialism.

    Next step: People's Democratic Republic although there will be a pause to string up bankers from the lamp posts.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    Wait til someone tells my mother she actually has to PAY her doctor! You think Muslim terrorists are scary …

  21. LetUsBray

    I'm guessing our Mr. Stuef meant the title of his post to be sarcastic, but it looks a little too on the nose to me. I don't believe this will be a repeat of the mid-'90s shut down, mainly because I think the current Rethuglicans would genuinely prefer to see the federal government undergo a Soviet-style collapse than go on living in a country where they can't make everybody live according to their horrible, horrible precepts.

    And as much as I like the prez, I don't see where he's prepared to be the Lincolnesque ruthless bastard required to keep it from happening. One alternative that I can see unfortunately is the Democrats caving; it's anyone's guess which would be worse.

    If someone show me where I'm full of it and needlessly worrying (as I am prone to do), I would be grateful.

  22. MiniMencken

    Yes, of course, nothing says "It's morning in America" more than shutting down the Federal government. Having been working abroad when this was done under Newt "Not Really an Amphibian" Gingrich in 1995, I must say it really impresses all of the other countries in world with what a powerhouse the USA is when the embassies and consulates close down due to a lack of funding. Soon enough, though, the military bases will be shutting down and the Pax Americana will be over. A shame, really. Or not…

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  24. hagajim

    "What they should have realized is that they’re all Nazis shills for their corrporate overlords – there, fixed.

Comments are closed.