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Delightful Kinko’s Banner Warns Congress Office Visitors a Troll Lives There

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SOLVE THIS RIDDLE YOU MUST.
This is apparently going to hang in the reception area of Rep. DOCTOR Dan Benishek’s congressional office, to warn visitors he may eat their briefcases and papers and will be wearing a short tie that’s just as cheap and ugly as this banner. [Facebook]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_i

    Dang, how big was the order of General Tso chicken that he ordered to get a fortune cookie that big? From the size of his man-breasts, he finished it too.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      But that "fortune" doesn't follow the "in bed" rule!

  • Boredw/Gravity

    Then I'll be taking your gov't-provided health care, pension and perks, my good doctor. Budgets must be balanced. Thanks.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Solve this riddle? O.K.

    "If you are a big corporation asking for more money, set up a meeting with my top aide. We'll work out a deal."
    ~

    • DaRooster

      … Yep, we can't talk about that at THIS OFFICE… bring the car around, we're goin' to the titty bar!

  • Come here a minute

    Yes, it would be a crying shame if someone's representative in Washington were asked to help a constituent who has a problem with the Social Security Administration or the Veterans Administration.

    "The Senate's across the street!!"

    • V572625694

      Uh-unh, he said more money. This guy's bumper stickers are carefully thought out!

  • problemwithcaring

    Also no flag pin. Teabaggers still not ready for primetime.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      I bet he has a big US Flag charm along with a gold Tricorne pierced on the entrance to his belly cavern. You know something to look up and watch as he heaves and strains for whatever is paid or forced to suck him off.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Typical look–hands on hips, third and fourth chins proudly displayed, clueless grin–of the big-bellied fuck with the short tie that doesn't cover the gap in his shirt buttons.

    Amazing these guys get any votes.

    • elviouslyqueer

      See also: Barbour, Haley.

    • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

      Teatards! They're just like most of the US.

    • PristineODummy

      Who do you think votes for them? Yeah, the cluelessly-grinning, big-bellied, four-chinned fucks with too-short ties and gapping shirt buttons.

  • Barbara_i

    Love the tie! Looks like someone has seen the "softer side of Sears"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Give him a break. No tie/shirt/suit combo would look good on that pasty fat fuck.

      • BornInATrailer

        True but having it tied 3-4 inches too short is not accentuating the positives. It looks like his gut is propping it up.

      • DaRooster

        Crap, I read that wrong at first,
        "No tie
        No shirt
        No suit…
        … would look GOOD on that guy…"
        That was an icky thought.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Do we even need to ask him what his favourite colour is?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    From the looks of this guy, if you are there to ask for more cheese fries, you're too late.

  • SorosBot

    Congressman to constituents: "Fuck you".

  • PsycWench

    I'm sure he'll be standing by this "no hand out" policy when he's fund-raising for the next election.

    • LesBontemps

      Ha! Would be hi-larious to see him greeted with the same message when he's dialing for dollars.

  • http://wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

    Great, another Spooky Doktor Congressman.

  • SayItWithWookies

    "No sir, I just want to conduct free trade with the government off my back."
    "That's what I'm here for, son — now how can I help you?"
    "Big government's burdensome regulations are criminalizing free enterprise, and it's just wrong — it's killing jobs and hurting our economy."
    "Well, I'm here to roll back some regulations — so tell me, what line of business are you in?"
    "I'm a pot farmer. Also, I'm dating your daughter."
    (Pushes button under desk)

  • freakishlywrong

    Hey you short-tied pantload, it's OUR fucking money, retard.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "See me for bargain 1933 German Ties!"

    • DaRooster

      Only $100 K apiece.

  • MadBrahms

    Oh, it's going to be fun to shove this photo down his throat when his voting record comes out and reveals all of his corporate kickbacks / pork projects.

  • nounverb911

    Who paid for the sign? Did he put it on his expense account?

    • DaRooster

      You did!

      Good job…

  • timbo71351

    Ughh. Who are the dopes who vote for assholes like this? I mean, we've got some gems from my neck of the woods, but good God.

    • SorosBot
      • HistoriCat

        A link to that other reality where such things are considered "comedy" instead of what they are here – "a depressing reality." If anyone needs me I'll be in the corner – crouched down and muttering "there's no place like home" to myself.

      • Callyson

        No one explains American politics as well as The Onion…

  • GuyClinch

    I think the "M.D." stands for "Monstrous Dickwad"

    • el_donaldo

      I was going to say "Massive Douche," but whichever it is, I think it means Jack doesn't have to call him DOCTOR anymore.

    • Callyson

      Mentally derelict was my first take, but yours works better.

    • PristineODummy

      I was kinda hoping for Mooby Dick, myself, but whatevs.

  • SorosBot

    Jack, that cannot be a Kinko's banner, since Kinko's no longer exists; it's probably from FedEx (who bought them).

    • HistoriCat

      I guess it depend on how long this douchebag has been planning to run for Congress.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, he represents the UP. This seems like an ideal time for them to take another stab at seccession.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Your move, Canada.

    • horsedreamer_1

      He's the heir to Stupak Shakur's seat?

  • Boredw/Gravity

    I liked it better when the banner read "Mission Accomplished."

    • DaRooster

      Ahh, the good old days when we knew which one was the BIGGEST idiot!
      No guess work…

  • boatapple

    From the look of his shirt, he just took a dump and didn't spend much time putting himself back together when he was done. Or maybe he always walks around like that.

    • DaRooster

      Looking frazzled and unkempt… like the country he's helping to run into the ground.

  • Troubledog

    Someone's been playing with Photoshop again.

    BTW – This is the guy that replaced "Babykiller" Stupak.

  • hagajim

    Is it just me, or do the vast majority of "health care providers" in this country seem to be overly fat fucks? You'd think that they, knowing the dangers of obesity would try to set an example. Oh – right they are, that's why we're turning into a nation of jelly rolls.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Flipside, viewable from window:

    "Welcome! If you are here to give me money, just slip your legislation under the door!"

  • Tommmcatt

    Just paint a smiley face where the tie ends and Voila! Instant Kool-Aide guy!

    Plus, is he wearing some kind of bra? A taxpayer-funded "bro"? This is the lede here, I feel.

  • Weenus299

    Looks like a mission accomplished banner to me.

  • DangerHelvetica

    At least it's spelled right, I suppose.

  • bureaucrap

    Does he have some kind of electronic sensing device attached to it, so when corporate lobbyists come in the "wrong" automatically switches to "right" while they're there? Or is there an asterisk with small print at the bottom ("Does not apply to for-profit corporate entities")?

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    "If you're here to ask for money, you're in the wrong office!

    Instead, try going to the office of any hedge fund. They have all of it."

  • MinAgain

    And then he left the office to eat his lunch of small, tasty children under a nearby bridge.

  • mavenmaven

    Looking at his girth, I suspect there's a lot of government funded cardiac and diabetes related health care in his future for us tax payers to support.

  • AtwatersGhost

    If you're here for money…I ate it!

  • Callyson

    "If you're here to ask for more money, then you're in the wrong office"
    Because Benishek does his deals in the back office of the bar around the corner of the Capitol. Cash only, all bribes payable at time of purchase. No refunds if the pork gets bad press and is subsequently dropped from the budget. Thank you, come again…

  • littlebigdaddy

    If, on the other hand, you are a male page here to blow me, then come on in!

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    Since I've never asked for money I definitely won't be asking for more money. I'll just take some money.

  • Guppy06

    Does that sign apply to corporate executives, banks and red states, or just brown people?

  • PristineODummy

    Does Lane Bryant make those in his size?

  • __kth__

    "Also, if you are a military contractor or just someone with a lot of money, I'm not talking about you. You are always welcome here. Mi casa es su casa."

  • mookwrthwilson

    I guess the good doctor missed the article about having a belly like is a harbinger of heart attacks.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That popped lower button caused by an increasingly large pot belly *may* be a sign of insulin resistance connected to diabetes. I'd advise this congressperson to consult a doct-…

    Never mind.

  • snicker snack

    Good god. The short tie not quite able to cover the buttons straining to contain the succulent belly. The douchebaggery is too powerful…
    I'm glad I've cultivated a drinking habit because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to read wonkette without a drink in my hand and one in my belly.

  • Negropolis

    The Yoopers done did lost dey minds, and elected this bastard. He recently closed down his consituent offices and said something of the extent of "catch me if you can, or email me." What a fucking pig-dog.

    This man is truly a horror, and while the guy he replaced was infamous for his "no abortion in healthcare reform" grandstand, the guy was basically a Democrat on everything else and did the most awesome and hellish dress-down of Bush before he went to war. Yes, I miss Stupak, and he could have kept his seat for the rest of his life, but stepped down to let this fucking troll waddle his fat ass in.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Tie's not too short–belly's too big.

  • tabouley

    The tie is actually six feet long, but his gut makes it look shorter.

  • tabouley

    That this guy is considered "normal" looking for a middle-aged legislator says a great deal, none of it good, however.

  • Jukesgrrl

    He probably got the idea from a pharmaceutical company that put up the same sign when he walked in.

  • hagajim

    Probably the fact that MDs, like engineers, seem to think they know everything about everything…and most of them can barely run their business worth a shit….but they did get skool!

  • sati_demise

    A doctor who does not want to help patients anymore so they run for political office……hmmmmm
    the hypocritical oath

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    But don't forget Howard Dean on our side, who kicked ass for the Democrats in 2006, if not for himself in 2004.

  • aguacatero

    … the extra arrogance, plus many of them come in with years of experience being ventriloquists' dummies for drug companies, so they can hit the ground running!

  • SorosBot

    They think they're scientists, even though they're not, they're in applied science. It's not a coincidence that pretty much every time Fox or radio blowhards refer to a "scientist" who's a global warming denialist or a creationist, they turn out to be either an engineer or an MD.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Then what are Derek and Meredith doing with their Alzheimers Trial?!

    Wiki:
    Even though the M.D. is a first professional degree and not a doctorate of research (i.e. Ph.D.), many holders of the M.D. degree conduct clinical and basic scientific research and publish in peer-reviewed journals during training and after graduation. Medical Scientist Training Programs (MSTPs) are offered at many universities which are a combined medical degree and Ph.D.. Some MDs choose a research career and receive funding from the NIH as well as other sources such as the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. A few even go on to become Nobel Laureates.[11]

  • mumbly_joe

    True, but in Sorosbots defense, the "many" MDs that actually do actual science tend to be connected with a teaching hospital or some other hospital strongly associated with an academic institution, whereas most MDs in congress tend to be in private practice for fake ophthalmology, or else for the type of ob-gyn practice that means never having to deal with pregnancy complications, and also means you can't disclose wrongdoing by your male colleagues, because they were your patients, despite being male, and you being an ob-gyn.

    Honestly, I'm just glad my job has me working with the former group, which actually believes in science, because of working in a field that you would basically think requires it, and yet.