Delightful Kinko’s Banner Warns Congress Office Visitors a Troll Lives There

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SOLVE THIS RIDDLE YOU MUST.
This is apparently going to hang in the reception area of Rep. DOCTOR Dan Benishek’s congressional office, to warn visitors he may eat their briefcases and papers and will be wearing a short tie that’s just as cheap and ugly as this banner. [Facebook]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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79 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Dang, how big was the order of General Tso chicken that he ordered to get a fortune cookie that big? From the size of his man-breasts, he finished it too.

  2. Boredw/Gravity

    Then I'll be taking your gov't-provided health care, pension and perks, my good doctor. Budgets must be balanced. Thanks.

    1. DaRooster

      … Yep, we can't talk about that at THIS OFFICE… bring the car around, we're goin' to the titty bar!

  3. Come here a minute

    Yes, it would be a crying shame if someone's representative in Washington were asked to help a constituent who has a problem with the Social Security Administration or the Veterans Administration.

    "The Senate's across the street!!"

    1. Rarian Rakista

      I bet he has a big US Flag charm along with a gold Tricorne pierced on the entrance to his belly cavern. You know something to look up and watch as he heaves and strains for whatever is paid or forced to suck him off.

  4. donner_froh

    Typical look–hands on hips, third and fourth chins proudly displayed, clueless grin–of the big-bellied fuck with the short tie that doesn't cover the gap in his shirt buttons.

    Amazing these guys get any votes.

    1. PristineODummy

      Who do you think votes for them? Yeah, the cluelessly-grinning, big-bellied, four-chinned fucks with too-short ties and gapping shirt buttons.

      1. BornInATrailer

        True but having it tied 3-4 inches too short is not accentuating the positives. It looks like his gut is propping it up.

      2. DaRooster

        Crap, I read that wrong at first,
        "No tie
        No shirt
        No suit…
        … would look GOOD on that guy…"
        That was an icky thought.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    "No sir, I just want to conduct free trade with the government off my back."
    "That's what I'm here for, son — now how can I help you?"
    "Big government's burdensome regulations are criminalizing free enterprise, and it's just wrong — it's killing jobs and hurting our economy."
    "Well, I'm here to roll back some regulations — so tell me, what line of business are you in?"
    "I'm a pot farmer. Also, I'm dating your daughter."
    (Pushes button under desk)

  6. MadBrahms

    Oh, it's going to be fun to shove this photo down his throat when his voting record comes out and reveals all of his corporate kickbacks / pork projects.

  7. timbo71351

    Ughh. Who are the dopes who vote for assholes like this? I mean, we've got some gems from my neck of the woods, but good God.

      1. HistoriCat

        A link to that other reality where such things are considered "comedy" instead of what they are here – "a depressing reality." If anyone needs me I'll be in the corner – crouched down and muttering "there's no place like home" to myself.

    1. el_donaldo

      I was going to say "Massive Douche," but whichever it is, I think it means Jack doesn't have to call him DOCTOR anymore.

  8. SorosBot

    Jack, that cannot be a Kinko's banner, since Kinko's no longer exists; it's probably from FedEx (who bought them).

  9. boatapple

    From the look of his shirt, he just took a dump and didn't spend much time putting himself back together when he was done. Or maybe he always walks around like that.

  10. Troubledog

    Someone's been playing with Photoshop again.

    BTW – This is the guy that replaced "Babykiller" Stupak.

  11. hagajim

    Is it just me, or do the vast majority of "health care providers" in this country seem to be overly fat fucks? You'd think that they, knowing the dangers of obesity would try to set an example. Oh – right they are, that's why we're turning into a nation of jelly rolls.

  12. Tommmcatt

    Just paint a smiley face where the tie ends and Voila! Instant Kool-Aide guy!

    Plus, is he wearing some kind of bra? A taxpayer-funded "bro"? This is the lede here, I feel.

  13. bureaucrap

    Does he have some kind of electronic sensing device attached to it, so when corporate lobbyists come in the "wrong" automatically switches to "right" while they're there? Or is there an asterisk with small print at the bottom ("Does not apply to for-profit corporate entities")?

  14. mavenmaven

    Looking at his girth, I suspect there's a lot of government funded cardiac and diabetes related health care in his future for us tax payers to support.

  15. Callyson

    "If you're here to ask for more money, then you're in the wrong office"
    Because Benishek does his deals in the back office of the bar around the corner of the Capitol. Cash only, all bribes payable at time of purchase. No refunds if the pork gets bad press and is subsequently dropped from the budget. Thank you, come again…

  16. __kth__

    "Also, if you are a military contractor or just someone with a lot of money, I'm not talking about you. You are always welcome here. Mi casa es su casa."

  17. mookwrthwilson

    I guess the good doctor missed the article about having a belly like is a harbinger of heart attacks.

  18. OneYieldRegular

    That popped lower button caused by an increasingly large pot belly *may* be a sign of insulin resistance connected to diabetes. I'd advise this congressperson to consult a doct-…

    Never mind.

  19. snicker snack

    Good god. The short tie not quite able to cover the buttons straining to contain the succulent belly. The douchebaggery is too powerful…
    I'm glad I've cultivated a drinking habit because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to read wonkette without a drink in my hand and one in my belly.

  20. Negropolis

    The Yoopers done did lost dey minds, and elected this bastard. He recently closed down his consituent offices and said something of the extent of "catch me if you can, or email me." What a fucking pig-dog.

    This man is truly a horror, and while the guy he replaced was infamous for his "no abortion in healthcare reform" grandstand, the guy was basically a Democrat on everything else and did the most awesome and hellish dress-down of Bush before he went to war. Yes, I miss Stupak, and he could have kept his seat for the rest of his life, but stepped down to let this fucking troll waddle his fat ass in.

  21. tabouley

    That this guy is considered "normal" looking for a middle-aged legislator says a great deal, none of it good, however.

  22. hagajim

    Probably the fact that MDs, like engineers, seem to think they know everything about everything…and most of them can barely run their business worth a shit….but they did get skool!

  23. sati_demise

    A doctor who does not want to help patients anymore so they run for political office……hmmmmm
    the hypocritical oath

  24. aguacatero

    … the extra arrogance, plus many of them come in with years of experience being ventriloquists' dummies for drug companies, so they can hit the ground running!

  25. SorosBot

    They think they're scientists, even though they're not, they're in applied science. It's not a coincidence that pretty much every time Fox or radio blowhards refer to a "scientist" who's a global warming denialist or a creationist, they turn out to be either an engineer or an MD.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    Then what are Derek and Meredith doing with their Alzheimers Trial?!

    Wiki:
    Even though the M.D. is a first professional degree and not a doctorate of research (i.e. Ph.D.), many holders of the M.D. degree conduct clinical and basic scientific research and publish in peer-reviewed journals during training and after graduation. Medical Scientist Training Programs (MSTPs) are offered at many universities which are a combined medical degree and Ph.D.. Some MDs choose a research career and receive funding from the NIH as well as other sources such as the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. A few even go on to become Nobel Laureates.[11]

  27. mumbly_joe

    True, but in Sorosbots defense, the "many" MDs that actually do actual science tend to be connected with a teaching hospital or some other hospital strongly associated with an academic institution, whereas most MDs in congress tend to be in private practice for fake ophthalmology, or else for the type of ob-gyn practice that means never having to deal with pregnancy complications, and also means you can't disclose wrongdoing by your male colleagues, because they were your patients, despite being male, and you being an ob-gyn.

    Honestly, I'm just glad my job has me working with the former group, which actually believes in science, because of working in a field that you would basically think requires it, and yet.

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