Obama Meeting With Famous College Dropout To Discuss Aaron Sorkin Plot

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Looks like that Mark guy has good advisors.“President Obama will meet with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and other business leaders when he visits San Francisco Thursday according to a source familiar with the arrangements.” Well alright. Obama is apparently going to discuss innovation and science and his “Win the Future” thing. That’s cute, but America is totally bankrupt of ideas, and probably will be forever. Case in point: his administration is still calling this “Win the Future,” which sounds like a really stupid, pathetic branding attempt for a declining company/country. There really is no better name for this? So Obama will discuss innovation with these guys, and these guys won’t divulge anything meaningful, because if businessmen actually have any good ideas, they like to keep them from their competitors. The most productive thing Obama can ask Zuckerberg, obviously, is what it was like working with Bill Murray on Zombieland.

An administration official telling CNN the talks will focus on “how we can work together to win the future, strengthen our economy, support entrepreneurship, and get the American people back to work.”

“Tell the kids to drop out of college and be a douche to their friends and everyone but the douchiest guy they know. The end. America saved.” [CNN]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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79 comments

      1. Preferred Customer

        For this, he is my hero. And for being a billionaire. And for having cards (allegedly) that say "I'm CEO, Bitch." And for totally almost scoring with Rashida Jones.

        But mostly the Harvard thing, because fuck those guys.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I think Obama might be trying to find out why, exactly, the guy's such a jackass.

      I mean, Taylor Swift isn't that bad.

  1. weejee

    Is that a mic or a hookah that Shrub has there in his hand? And what way to better win the future than build a totally 21st century bong? Get workin' there you 'Murican anteatermanures.

  2. aguacatero

    I don't see anything whatsoever wrong with "Win the Future," besides the trivial detail that it was the title of a Newt Gingrich book from six years ago.

  3. DaRooster

    After reading the first part of the headline and then seeing W in the pic I almost peed myself… scared the buh Jeebus outta me. I thought… "NO NO, Don't ask that guy"!
    whew…

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      What we need is a slogan the captures real American attitudes:

      Aimlessly Shuffle Off to the future and a Big Mac with Large Fries! (TM)(C).

  4. baconzgood

    Win the future? Lame. We can come up with better than that. How about "Get really rich so you can score with hot broads that would never normally blow you because your really dorky lookin' ".

  5. MittsHairHelmet

    Obama can't actually get anything done before the 2012 election so I say why not go to Cali and hang out with some billionaires?

  6. horsedreamer_1

    Why ask his co-star? I'm pretty sure Obama knows Bill Murray from the Chicago (comedy) Machine.

  7. neiltheblaze

    Fuck it. We've lost the future because we're 75th in Science and Math just behind Slovenia and Azerbaijan.

    1. chickensmack

      I thought it was because we strayed from the teachings of Jesus, and because we hump out teevees more than our spouses.

  8. Barbara_i

    There Hootie goes again, palling around with terrorist. Nothing gets done because the POTUS is always asking people to join him in Mafia Wars. Sarah Palin was right.

  9. Mobute

    At this point, the closest Obama will come to meeting with a real liberal leader is rubbing elbows with another guy who kinda knew the guy from "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." At least the show had the decency to get canceled because it had principles.

  10. Callyson

    WTF, indeed…the talks should focus on “how we can work together to win in 2012, strengthen our willingness to enforce some actual regulations on the yahoos of Wall Street who screwed up our economy, get entrepreneurs to stop expecting bailouts when their luck goes bad (while telling working people tough luck, no more handouts), and get the American people to turn off the TV and think.”
    Now, *that* would be an innovative accomplishment…

  11. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I suggestion they call it something fancy like "The Detroit Renaissance."
    That'll get some attention!

  12. Rosie_Scenario

    Slogans with the word "Win," just don't. Anyone old enough to remember Gerald Ford's "WIN" buttons. "Whip Inflation Now." Laughable.

  13. Preferred Customer

    Here's the thing about Zuckerberg. As far as I can tell, the guy's a twat, but then again, so was I when I was that age (and so am I, still). But in a world of accidental wealth and fame where dipshits like Sarah Palin can become rich and famous because (literally) she is kind of attractive and willing to say stupid things with a hick accent, Zuckerberg shows that it is still possible that there are rich people who, you know, deserve to be rich, because they can do cool shit that none of the rest of us can do, and because they have really fucking cool ideas that make everyone's lives a little bit better.

    Steve Jobs is the same thing. Say what you want about the guy, and he sounds like kind of an asshole–the world is demonstrably a better place with him in it, and he doesn't have to apologize to anyone for driving a fancy car. He earned it, with his mind.

    So, in conclusion, in a world that makes me sink deeper and deeper into misanthropy every day, it's refreshing every once in a while to realize that sometimes the rich guys aren't just rich because they are loud obnoxious shits or were in the right place at the right time to get a Money Shower from Wall Street.

    That is all.

  14. BlueStateLibel

    All the good technology is being developed in Singapore–maybe we should invade it and get it all? It would also bring plenty of new jobs to our cash-starved military. Problem solved.

  15. problemwithcaring

    "How we can work together to win the future?"

    Forewarning, billionaires. Whenever Barry sends me an email asking about "how we can work together," the answer always involves me sending him $25.

  16. LionelHutzEsq

    Jack, you are way too cynical. Look at all the amazing ideas that are going to be announced:

    FaceSocialist:

    A new social interactive site where community activist and anarchist can get together and discuss the overthrow of the US Government along with the disbanding of the military and the requirement of two years of gay service for all youths.

    FaceMuslim:

    A new social networking site for those interested in imposing Sharia law on the United States. Where to book the cheapest flights to terrorist training camps in Yemen and where to build your Mosque to most annoy the whites will also be highlighted on this site.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      FaceDeathPanel

      A new social network designed to allow government personnel to post helpful hints on how to off grandmother and save the government and you a ton of money. After all,Grandma can't take if with her if she will not get heroic measures to keep her alive.

      FaceChicagoWay

      A new social networking site dedicated to getting people together so that they can stomp on opponents of Obama like a hippy-chicks at a biker festival, challenge politicians in the showers, and cover up what your birth certificate actually says.

      And that is just the start of what Obama hopes they get done..

  17. MistaEko

    /Obama continues his speech, noticing Zuckerberg is scribbling on a pad
    Obama: We will win by ….uh…Mark, do I have your attention?
    Zuckerberg: Out of respect I will say no.
    O: You…don't think these businessmen and I deserve your attention?
    Z: I think if Americans want to talk about their ancestors and call themselves great, they can – but I don't have to sit here enjoying the lie. You have part of my attention – you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I will do things that this nation as a whole, especially your administration, have long since lost the courage to do. You don't need a forensics team here. If America was going to win the future, it would have won the future.
    /goes back to drawing, winsome piano solo emanates through hall

    1. Negropolis

      My end-scene was more like this….

      /drops the mic, and french kisses the nearest female executive, exits stage left. Oh, accompanied by winsome piano solo emanating through hall. also.

  18. mavenmaven

    I think it would be more accurate and American if Obama were actually to do this roundtable with Jesse Eisenberg.

  19. Negropolis

    I honestly don't have anything to say in specific, but, in general, this nation has become an ungovernable shit pile of biblical proportions.

    Win the future? We can't even win the past. This is the nation, after all, that is still debating the virtues of states' rights and the American Civil War as if it's a legitimate and relevant issue. Hell, we can't even win a fight against obesity and stupidity.

    Win the future? Fuck, we're lucky if we can avoid a government shut-down in any given session of Congress.

Comments are closed.